All language subtitles for Splitting.Up.Together.US.S01E01.Pilot.SVA-AVS

- Now that looks like a great show.
- Mm-hmm...

and they sure cast two very
attractive and likeable lead actors.

I know, right?

I mean if I were on my couch right
now I would totally watch that.

Oh, wait, we are on a
couch and it's time...

Splitting Up Together...
starts right now!

- Did you take out the trash bins?
- Yes.

- Did you set the alarm?
- Yes.

- Did you throw out the chicken?
- Yes.

- Did you lock the gate?
- Yes.

- Did you feed the turtle?
- Yes.

- Is Mae doing her homework?
- Yes.

- Did you tell Milo to brush?
- Yes.

- Did you sign Mason's permission slip?
- Yes.

Did you empty the dishwasher?

No.

- Did you ask me to?
- Yes.

Did you wash Mason's soccer uniform?

- Did you refill the Sparkletts?
- Yes, I did.

- I did, yes.
- Well... good night, then.

Good night.

- It wasn't always like this.
- No.

When we first started
dating, we never high-fived.

And we certainly weren't
sleeping in separate bedrooms.

Not even close.

We were all over each other.

Coldplay's first album
had just come out.

And we were having rigorous sex

on a full stomach of
Middle Eastern food.

The way you can when you're young.

I once convinced him
to call in sick to work

and spend the whole day in
a self-realization garden.

- ♪ So I look in your direction ♪
- I only had one realization that day...

- ♪ But you pay me no attention, do you? ♪
- ...that I wanted to be with her.

And then...

Okay, it says it could
take up to five minutes,

- and then you...
- We're pregnant.

We're pregnant.

We're pregnant.

And in that moment, we both knew

the days of self-realization...

- And take-out...
- ...and foreplay...

- ...and Coldplay...
- ...were all behind us.

But that was okay.

Yeah, especially the Coldplay part,

because their later stuff
was, you know, not as good.

And besides, now we had...

Whoo! Water gun fight!

Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

Our relationship became
that of two camp counselors.

Actually, more like one camp
counselor and one camp director

- Babe, the window!
- who was always barking orders.

- You got to shut the window!
- Okay, r-relax.

- Seriously, what are you thinking?
- Relax!

Hey, if I didn't bark, you'd let
me do all the heavy lifting while..

I was just gonna go for
a quick run before work.

Cool.

I was just gonna do the laundry,

vacuum, plunge the upstairs toilet,

call a guy about the broken sprinkler,

go to work, come home, and make dinner.

Cool.

What's for dinner?

She was mad I didn't do more.

But whatever I did was wrong anyway.

That's how he justifies
not making an effort.

So, long story short...

We're pulling the plug.

"Do Not Resuscitate."

We had a good run, but
we're halting production.

"Don't Cry For Me, Argentina."

We're shootin' Old Yeller
right between the eyes.

He was a good dog, but now...

now he's rabid. You saw the film.

And the kids know, and
...and they're okay.

And things really aren't
gonna be that different,

because we're gonna
continue living together.

So, please, enjoy the salad course.

♪ Keep giving me hope for a better day ♪

♪ Keep giving me love to find a way ♪

♪ Through this heaviness I
feel, I just need someone ♪

- ♪ To say everything's okay ♪
- Sync/Corrections PetaG - addic7ed.com -

♪ Everything's okay ♪

They're not eating the salad.

Well, maybe if you hadn't
reference a dead dog with rabies.

- Well, nothing you were saying was landing.
- No, that was no...

Well, first off, I'd just like to say...

we're going to eat the salad.

The salad looks great.

I mean, there's grapes in there.

I think we can all agree
that's a very nice touch.

Very nice. Great looking salad.

But it's your news, darling,
that's a bit confusing.

Why would you get divorced if
you still want to live together?

Oh, we don't want to live together. No.

We are upside-down on the
house, and the market is soft.

They can't get a divorce.
What is going to happen to us?

We don't have another
couple to hang out with.

Okay, guys, Camille's
making a great point, here.

Look, we've been living
separate lives for years.

The divorce will just give
this whole thing some structure,

and it'll give everyone
else a chance to adjust.

Yeah. Plus, we're not gonna
be living together together.

We're gonna switch off every other week.

Right.

So, the on-duty parent
will live in here,

taking care of the kids,
living a rich, full life.

That's right, and the off-duty parent

will be living right here in, uh...

the...

in the garage.

- Oh, come on. It's not that bad.
- _

It's great, right?

A-And you're never alone, because...

turtle!

And there's tons of freedom. Right?

I mean, if you... you want to
leave your butter on the counter...

I mean, I didn't, but
I could if I wanted to.

Then, you want to go on a run
and not even shower afterwards?

Oh, you want to rediscover your
collection of ugly hats? I did.

I see. So, it's just a lot
of latitude with perishables,

personal hygiene, and...

- unattractive headwear?
- That's funny.

See, I never even knew
that you were funny

because we've never had the chance
to hang out together, one on one.

Can you turn that thing off?
It's kind of hard to talk over it.

No. No, Lena insists
I run that thing 24/7.

When it's turned off, it gets
damp, and when it gets damp,

the centipedes come.

The centipedes come?

You know what, Artie?

You are right. Screw Lena.

I don't have to follow
her orders anymore.

I never said that.

I mean, that's the whole point
of getting divorced, isn't it?

I don't know. I've never been divorced.

And if Camille ever
left me, I'd kill myself.

And not like how people say,
like, "I'm gonna kill myself."

I really would.

Like, I have a plan.

Got it.

I would drown myself.

Aww, folks. She back on the market.

Not very triumphant.

I am your sister, and I am
gonna give you the real...

for single women our age,
it's not very triumphant.

Still, I figure there
must be someone out there

who wants to have sex with me.

- Not necessarily.
- You two are terrible role models.

And I need you to understand,
Martin is in very good shape.

Okay, what Martin does on
his weeks off is up to him.

Frankly, I'm more interested
in how he juggles all this

when he's in here.

You know, it gonna kill
him to miss his morning run.

Dad doesn't miss his morning run.

- What?
- Dad still takes his morning run.

- Well, who makes breakfast?
- We do.

- Who makes lunch?
- We buy it at school.

Or not. Last week, I skipped lunch
and spent the money on this mug

from the Young Feminist Caucus.

Well, what about the little one?

They don't sell lunch at
his school. What does he eat?

I usually just order in.

Martin?

Martin.

Did you turn off the dehumidifier?

That's correct. It's so damp.

You could grow mushrooms in the carpet.

- Ah. Neat idea for a side business.
- Well, I doubt you'll prosper.

The centipedes will eat your crops.

Yeah, I feel like
you've been exaggerating

this whole "centipede" issue, okay?

The dehumidifier's been off since
last night, and I haven't seen any.

Did you cut your hair?

- Yes.
- Oh.

Would you like a referral?

Because you've got a real
Forrest Gump thing going on.

Well, thank you. I take that as a
compliment. Forrest was a great man.

The fictional character,
Forrest Gump, was a great man?

Look, is there something
that you wanted?

Yes, I wanted to talk to you about
the food issues with the kids.

Yeah, what food issues?

Mae is starving herself to
buy feminist earthenware,

and Milo eats takeout every day.

Lena, look. I know you take great pride

in hand-squashing every squash,
okay, but I am not a good cook.

I would rather enjoy
my time with the kids

and not spend it ruining food.

- Do I get a say?
- Well...

no. See, your week is your week,
and my week is my week, right?

I don't come asking for your help,

so don't come around
here asking me for mine.

Too-da-loo!

So, what, I'm the bad guy

because I want the kids to eat properly?

Look, Martin is a total narcissist.

No one would argue that. I
mean, he's a self-centered child,

but you...

you have control issues, and I
know you haven't figured it out yet,

but all the fun stuff happens
when you're not in control.

- I want fun stuff to happen.
- Of course you do.

Before I got married, I was tons of fun.

That is not my recollection.

I'm serious, Dad.

I am dying on the vine.
I'm emotionally starved,

and I can't just focus on the
kids anymore. I have my own needs.

_

I have to take this.

_

_

- _
- Oh, crap.

Hey, bro!

Can we take a break?!

Break?!

Oh!

Ooh!

- Ow! Not really.
- You all right, man?

I don't like running.
I'm not a good runner.

I'm only here because Camille
wanted me to talk to you about Lena.

Well, that's the last
thing I want to talk about.

Hear me out. You know I married
way out of my league, right?

- Yep.
- I already told you if Camille ever left me,

I'm gonna throw a pool party for one.

But you, you want to
blame everything on Lena,

when, in fact, you didn't dance
with your wife at your wedding.

Wait a minute. I-I didn't
dance with her at our wedding?

- That's what you think our problem was?
- Kind of.

That's ridiculous. Lena
knows that I don't dance.

In fact, we discussed it,
and she said she didn't care.

Yeah, but she did care, dude.

She thought you were gonna
surprise her, and you didn't.

Now, I'm not saying you
have to get back together,

but maybe start looking
at things from her side.

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♪ I don't get ♪

♪ Many things right the first time ♪

♪ In fact, I am told that a lot ♪

Okay, compadre.

Let's talk about your huevos
and why they might be hurting.

You didn't... fling them around
in some weird way, did you?

- Mom...
- You didn't... try to...

- hang anything from them?
- Mom!

Well, what about your underwear?

Too tight? Too loose.

What are they supposed
to be? Tight or loose?

I don't know. I'll Google
that and get back to you.

In the meantime, what
if we... elevate them?

- How?
- How about heat? Or ice... Heat.

Okay, no offense, Mom,
but maybe we should consult

somebody who actually
has balls, like Dad.

No. I will handle this,
okay? This is my week.

I'm gonna call your
pediatrician, Dr. Nakashima.

He has balls, too.

Okay. That did not go well.

He could just smell my uncertainty.

I think this is the
first parenting issue

that I'm just completely unprepared for.

Kind of makes you wish you still
had a husband in the picture.

Well, that's easy for you to say,

because Arthur worships
the ground you walk on.

And I let him.

He's happy because I
let him make me happy,

and he never feels like a failure.

Well, you'll just take that
right into your next relationship.

And are there any
developments on that front

other than all the...
sexting with your child?

Okay, I admit it.

I don't want Lena dating again.

- I want her back together with Martin.
- We haven't had sex in two years.

Two Hebrew years?

Two full calendar years.

And it wasn't my choice. I tried.

Martin stopped wanting to.

He just looks through
me like I'm invisible,

and I accept it even though
it's hurtful and upsetting

and it doesn't make any sense.

And I'm sorry, but I
can't live like that.

I need passion and
romance and sex in my life,

and Martin just doesn't.

Excuse me. Uh, I'm looking for Martin.

- He's just around the bend, there.
- Thanks.

Sorry to interrupt ladies' night.

What...

...the (BLEEP) was that?

I mean, I thought he
just lost his sex drive,

but he lost his sex drive for me.

Yeah, he's crazy.

Excuse me?

Why are you wearing a
onesie? We are outside.

- We are grocery shopping.
- We are outside the house,

and I am fresh to death right here,

and you look like a
homeless Ghostbuster.

Why would I be a homeless Ghostbuster?

I have a full-time job busting ghosts.

And what about you?

- What about me?
- Are you going to shoot a "Thriller" video?

Do you have a diamond glove?

Yeah. It's in the car.

- _
- Oh, it's Mason.

I'm gonna take him to see a specialist.

Thank you for doing such a thorough job

- on Mason's new patient-information form.
- I stapled some extra pages.

No, I see that. It's very comprehensive.

- I wanted you to have a full picture.
- I do.

But the good news is your
son is perfectly healthy.

He's just going through puberty.

Ah! Puberty! Mase! Right on!

I'm gonna go get some
Skittles from the lobby.

Okay, was that bad?

- Do you think it scarred him?
- Oh, no, I don't think it scarred him.

- No, I don't think it scarred him.
- A little.

Of course he would go
through puberty on my week,

but that's okay. It's
just... growing pains.

- Mm.
- So, it's just growing pains?

The balls are... growing?

Oh, no. Not exactly.

I-I suspect that Mason's discomfort

stems from routine arousal
that doesn't fully culminate.

"Culminate."

I'd like Mason to try masturbating,

and Mom, of course, should do
whatever she can to facilitate.

"Facilitate"?

I just don't want him to feel shame
about doing what his body needs.

No. Him and me, both.

Yeah.

Let me give you my card, here.

My cell is on there.

Please don't hesitate to
call if symptoms persist.

Are you...

sending out vibes?

- Vibes?
- Are we vibing?

I mean, my radar might be broken,

but on the other hand,
you aren't leaving.

Well, you are blocking the door.

Am I?

- Hi.
- Hi.

I wasn't sure if you
were gonna come back.

Well, you did pay me to.

Come on in.

Great, ready?

Yeah.

- Okay, that's it, just up a bit.
- Oh, right up in that armpit.

Okay, um, so just like last time.

- ♪ I don't get ♪
- Back together.

- Okay.
- ♪ Many things right the first time... ♪

I'm sorry, I'm really bad.

- I think you're doing great.
- ♪ I am told ♪

- Thank you.
- ♪ That a lot ♪

Now, remember. The most
important rule about dancing...

- Mm-hmm. Okay.
- ...has nothing to do with dancing.

Never break eye contact.

- ♪ That I first saw your lovely face ♪
- Okay.

We're partners. We
have to stay connected.

And you're the man, which
means I'm following your lead,

and if you don't keep me in
your gaze, I might get lost.

- ♪ That I am ♪
- Wow.

- ♪ I am ♪
- I think...

- you just explained why my marriage failed.
- ♪ I am ♪

♪ The luckiest ♪

Hey, Mom. Can I get a poster
of Kate Upton for my room?

No. We don't objectify women
in this house, right, Mom?

Okay, um, I think, Mase,
what your sister is saying...

and this is a great conversation
to have, really, about women

with women regarding women...

and that they have more
important attributes

than what they look like in a bikini.

Totally. It says here that
she designed some, like,

limited-edition beanies
to raise money for cancer.

Well, that was very nice of her.

Well, I think that raising
money for cancer is sexy.

No one cares what you think is "sexy."

No one cares what you think period.

So, can I get the poster?

Yes.

You may not.

It's up to her now?

God, Mom!

We'll talk about it later.

He's not getting it.

We'll do it.

Hey, kids. Dad week!

Lena?

In here.

What's all this?

Okay.

- Mason was having some discomfort.
- Yeah.

I took him to a specialist,

and apparently he needs to...

tickle the ivories.

Play piano?

He needs to shake hands with your uncle.

My uncle? Jim?

- W-What are you talking about?
- The doctor said he needs to masturbate.

Seriously?

Lena, why wouldn't you
talk to me about this?

- I'm... I'm his father. I'm a man.
- You just told me not to ask for your help.

Well, you said you didn't need my help.

Well, maybe I was wrong.

So, this is supposed to be
Mason's masturbation nook?

- I like to think of it as more of a lair.
- Mm.

- This is really creepy.
- I know.

I just... I thought it
would be weird for him

to do it in the room
he shares with Milo.

Nothing is weirder

than doing it in a pantry
that your mom decorated.

Oh, is that Ruth Bader Ginsburg?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, I really don't think she'd appreciate this.

I know. I was just... I was
trying to think of, like,

- worthy, capable...
- Okay, I got one.

She comes from a matriarchal society.

She wears a bikini,
but she kicks ass in it,

and her bracelet game is very strong.

- Wonder Woman?
- Wonder Woman.

- Yes! Great idea, Martin.
- Oh, see?

I knew I had a contribution
to make to this family.

Yeah.

I'm sorry if I made you feel like that.

- Bad wife. No.
- Oh, no. Come on.

Good mom, bad wife. I was.

Well... I broke eye contact.

I was a bad partner.

Well, at least you're in great shape.

I am in great shape.

_

Sorry.

Guess it's my turn to run.

Okay. Well, good night, then.

Good night.

_

_

_

♪ Here we are inside a
novel waiting for an end ♪

Get it, boy. Get it!
Hey, what's up, mate?

Hey, little man, I don't know if I
can do that. I-I'm just a beginner.

- Come on, Dad. Just try.
- Oh, you mean like this?

- A little old-school style? You mean like this? Huh?
- Mnh-mnh. Mnh-mnh

See, I told you! I told you
I can't do it! I told you!

- Look, Dad. If you want to impress the ladies...
- Yeah?

- ...you're gonna have to try a lot harder.
- Oh, really?

So, what, argh, you're gonna get it.
You know the ladies don't like me!

You know the ladies don't like me!

♪ There's a twilight ♪

♪ A nighttime and a dawn ♪

♪ Who knows how long ♪

♪ Just hang on ♪

♪ Hang on ♪

- ♪ Hang on ♪
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