All language subtitles for Dear White People 2014 yify

(talk show host over mic)
Forty year old Gyrese,
you are not the father.

(rapper over mic)
This nigger from New York
from the olden days,

bumpy son, bumpy.

(announcer)
Pose some secrets
that are feeding

Shannon's crystal
meth addiction.

(woman)
Now wait a minute, Kim.

(Kim) Get the [beep]
out of my face!

(woman)
What's wrong with you?
What the [beep] is your...

(MC)
We already know what it is.
It's freestyle Friday.

(females newscaster No.1)
A race war has erupted

at one of the nation 's oldest and
most prestigious institutions.

Outrage over an African-
American themed party

organized by predominantly white
students of Winchester University...

(male newscaster No. 1)
...has resulted in rioting
and property damages.

Police were called to disrupt a
massive fight that broke out...

(male newscaster No.2) ...between
African-American students and partygoers

just after midnight-To address diversity
issues, the school have recently...

(female newscaster No.1)
...appointed African-American
scholar Dr. Walter Fairbanks

as dean of students.

Last year the Dean's office
celebrated slight...

(male newscaster No.1)
...gains in diverse applicants

but with many now calling
for Fairbanks' resignation

that may
have been premature.

School officials released a statement
claiming that an investigation...

into those responsible
for the party

and subsequent riot
is underway.

An invite
to the Halloween party

sent via social media

asked guests to liberate
their inner Negro,

fry up chicken,

enjoy a cough syrup based
concoction known as purple drank...

(woman No.1, off)
Dear white people.

The minimum requirement
of black friends

needed to not seem racist has
just been raised to two.

Sorry, but your weed man
Tyrone does not count.

[loud knocking]

(Lionel)
Hey, Kurt, you home?

[phone ringing]

[voicemail message]
Hey, you've reached Garmin House,
home of Lionel Higgins,

the only bitch on campus who
will give you a dickscount.

That's right, hunty,
the bigger the dick,

the less you have
to pay me to suck it.

[beep]

Kurt, it's Lionel.
I'm locked out.

You know my parents
call this line.

All right. Bye.

(woman No.1, off)
Dear white people,

apparently Morgan Freeman
wasn't enough.

Obama could cure cancer

and somewhere white folks
will be embroiled in protest.

And he's only half black.

[Click]

(Sam) Talk to me.
(Gabe) Hello there.

(Gabe, phone)
First time caller,
long time listener.

So Sam,
how would you feel

if someone started a Dear Black People?
(Sam) No need.

Mass media from Fox News
to reality TV on VH1

makes it clear what white
people think of us.

Thanks for calling.

(Coco)
I'm pissed.

The whole point
of randomized housing

is to mix shit up.

I'm out here trying
to find the Olivier

to my Halle Berry

and they got me out here

looking like an extra
on A Different World.

That's not okay.
At all.

(Helmut) So your YouTube
show, it's called

“Doing Time
at an Ivy League?”

In my second year
of a four year sentence.

Armstrong-Parker, that's
your housing assignment?

Traditionally it's where the
hopelessly Afrocentric gather

to process their guilt
over not going to an HBCU.

Where the negros be at.

That's not where you
wanted to be, right?

Bechet House
is more my style.

The rich white kids.

Excuse me?

What part of Chicago are you from?
Hyde Park.

What street?

Seventy-eighth and...
Seventy-eighth!

[chuckles]

That's Southside,
sweetheart.

You know
what they say.

You can take
the girl out of the hood...

There is nothing
hood about me.

Thank you
for your time.

So, how long will you
be on campus for casting?

Let me explain to you
the way reality TV works.

I'm the producer.
I ask the questions.

We'll be in touch.

(Sofia)
Your hair is
so cute B.T. Dubs.

Well, you're so cute.
Is it weaved?

I saw "Good Hair"
in Afro Studies.

[both chuckle]

So, what house
did you get?

Oh, Bechet, bitch.
Of course.

The mere thought of a
Fletcher anywhere else

Oh, easy.

It was the luck
of the draw.

Daddy had nothing
to do with it.

Besides, if I had to
pick anywhere to be,

it would be here.

Well, I'm down
to switch.

You get your Denzel,
I get my Gosling.

Oh, I gots mine.

Do you want
to meet him?

Cute, for a black boy.

Hey, Boo!

I want you
to meet my friend Coco.

She's new
to the house.

Hi, I'm Troy.

Welcome to
Armstrong-Parker

home of the dopest dining
hall in all of Winchester.

Are we on duty?

Babe, Head of House
is always on duty.

Well, I should
get going.

Thanks, Sof.

Bye.
Bye.

So, babe, you think I got
time for a quick cut?

You just got it
cut last week.

It's a black thing, babe.

(Sofia) Since when is
OCD a black thang?

(Troy) Babe, please don't
say “thang” like that.

(Sofia) Besides, you have a shift
over at the Politicos booth

and then you have
a shift at Orientation

and then your advisor
is coming over.

(Troy) Okay, you know what?
I'll just wear a hat.

And then a movie maybe?
Just us?

Election night.
Babe, come on.

[laughs]

(Troy)
All right.

Yo, Kurt!

My man.
All right!

Hey, sis.

Is she kidding
with this?

You don't have to run again. Just
because it's her doesn't mean...

Babe, I can't let Sam and her wannabe
Black Panthers take the house.

The house needs me,
who I am.

It's who he
wants you to be.

So you take a couple of
psych classes and now

all of a sudden,
you think you're Freud?

Oh, a Freud reference?
Sophisticated.

(Troy) Okay. Beck, Jung, Maslow.

[laughs]

(Sam, over mic) Dear white
people, this just in.

Dating a black person to piss off
your parents is a form of racism.

(Reggie)
Yo, Troy, I forget.

ls your major in shucking
or is it jiving?

(Troy) Well, my major's in Shuck.
I'm minoring in Jiving...

Wow, you're still majoring in
trying to fuck my leftovers, right?

[groans]

[groan]

You need
a shower.

[shower running]

[cheering and clapping]

(Troy)
You're like Artie, dawg,

your success ratio with the
ladies went up like 30%

after I started
edging you up, dawg.

Like, come on! You know?
[audience laughs]

You went from ODB to Trey Songz!

[laughter]

(Reggie) That's his platform?
Haircuts?

Oofta is
as oofta does.

(Troy) Yes? Someone
else is running?

Just because we're colored don't
mean we run on colored people time.

Boycotting hot combs don't make you
an expert on colored people, Boo.

I care about each and
every single one of you.

I care about this house.

So if it ain't broke...

[voices chanting]

(mediator) All right, thank
you, Troy Fairbanks.

Is this
because of us?

Because we broke up
over a year ago. Hm.

You seriously think you can win?

Troy, we live in a world where
there's a Big Mama's House 3.

I don't think I have a chance in hell.
Thank God.

[no audio]

Troy, my brother,
it's broke.

(crowd)
Mm-hm.

Troy is a legacy kid,

and yet it's
under his watch,

that Armstrong-Parker,

the bastion
of black culture here,

was gutted

by the Randomization
of Housing Act.

Now, second years of color

no longer have a say
in where they go.

The culture
that's been fostered

in this house
for two decades

will be wiped
out in two years.

This wasn't motivated by a
desire to mix things up,

bring about racial
and socioeconomic harmony, no.

The black kids
are sitting together

in the proverbial cafeteria

so they must be up to no good.
Yeah! Mm-hm.

Over a century of houses
grouped by sports affiliations,

political leanings,
majors, you name it.

Black kids
get their own house

and suddenly we got a problem?

This doesn't effect the other
houses like it does ours.

There are plenty of trustees,
former coaches,

presidents watching
out for the others

but all we have is a dean who
would rather please his massa

Yo, that's enough of that, Sam!
then stand up for his own!

(audience)
Yes! Tell him! Yes!

I know y'all ain't
gonna vote for me.

Y'all ain't ready.

The Black Student Union and I
have brought a petition

to repeal the Randomization
of Housing Act.

I plan on bringing it to
the President and together

we can bring black
back to Winchester.

Yes!

[cheering]

It'll be by the door.

(Martin)
Quiet!

All right.

I assume everyone has the
app I created by now?

It's a child's app.

(Martin) Good.
Voting may commence.

(Martin)
Okay,

Looks like we've
got a winner.

Sam White?

Oh, shit.

Congratulations.

So that's what
you're looking for?

I just want to make
good TV, sweetheart.

Well, I think
I'd be good TV.

You're getting a great
education at a great school.

Why don't you just be good at that.
I am.

And when I graduate early with an
economics degree from Winchester,

it'll be
the crowning achievement

of my black middle class
parents' ambitions.

Yeah, well, conflict is
a commodity in my industry.

Sam has that.
Do you?

So, what? You want
me to start a fight?

I don't want you to do anything
you wouldn't otherwise do.

(voicemail voice) Hey, you
reached Garmin House,

home of Lionel Higgins,

the only bitch on campus who
will give you a dickscount.

That's right, hunty,
the bigger the dick,

The less you have
to pay me to suck it.

[beep]
[Click]

(dean) Everything's
pretty locked up,

but we will find a residence
to move you into.

Third time's a charm, right?

What about
Armstrong-Parker?

I don't know if that's...

I might have an opening.

That might be good
for you to be around...

Dean, the worst thing
about high school

and believe me,
it's a long list,

were the black kids.

Maybe it's in your head, son.

Sure, folks can be intolerant
around people like you.

And homosexuals just...
I... I don't believe in labels.

You like jazz, Lionel?

Winchester is like jazz.

It's a research school.
And jazz is tension-

The interplay
of improvised solos,

all creating one song.

Your problem is you've
got no instrument.

No major, no affiliations,
no solo, son.

I submit articles
to the Independent Observer.

No one reads
the Independent Observer.

My point is are you
playing swing or bebop?

You're mixing
your metaphors.

Are you a sax
or are you a trumpet?

I don't like jazz.

[sigh]

Look, I'll do what I can.

But not a word of this
in the Observer, okay?

No one reads it, right?

[lively chatter]

[chatter]

[distant chatter]

Lionel, right?

George. We had Civ last semester.
How's it going?

Oh, yeah. Great,
I mean, good, yeah.

Fan of your stuff
in the Observer.

No one reads
the Observer.

Have you seen this?

The residents
of Armstrong-Parker

just made her
head of house.

Am I crazy or is
there a there there?

What made you come
over here? I mean,

it's not like I didn't... I'm
glad you came, I just...

My staff.
God bless them.

They are whiter
than Michael Jackson's kids.

I mean, we're fucked
if anyone of them

tries to write this story and
I won't let the transfers

at the Gazette
do it first.

Well, this one
has his face.

You're in
the Black Student Union.

You probably know Sam.

You come up
with a good angle,

I want it
in the Bugle.

Trumpet.
Bugle. Focus.

The only paper
on campus

with an advisor
with The New York Times.

Only so many ways a person
can distinguish themselves

at a place
like this, Lionel.

You're good.
You belong with us.

Did you get it?

Good.

You've now got
the shared calendar,

contacts,
and official email.

And before I forget.

Event requests for the year?
Just this month.

They all need
your approval.

And don't forget
to pick your office hours.

You need
at least 20 per week.

That's absurd.

[laugh]

Well, you're now head
of a hundred residents.

And they all need time to
complain to your face about...

noise, leaky pipes,

gluten-free option
in the cafeteria, etc.

Troy, I didn't think
I was gonna win.

Look, I'm late
for lunch.

By the way,
petitioning the President

on the Randomization
of Housing Act

ain't gonna do shit.

None of the other houses
are concerned.

Because they all have a legacy
of rich and powerful allies

who will make sure that “random”
works to their advantage.

And you really think a petition
is going to change that?

[cell phone ringing]

Hello?

Yeah.

Okay, well, just call me the
minute there's an update.

(Sam, off) The
Armstrong-Parker dining hall

is the epicenter
of black culture

as it stands
at Winchester.

Only here can you
commiserate, celebrate,

and discuss everything
from Kanye West lyrics

to theoretical relativism
all in a sitting...

not to mention find someone
who can actually do your hair.

(Reggie)
You still using your ID?

I always
forget passwords.

You are begging
to get hacked.

Good thing
the one evil techno-genius

thinking like that
is on my side.

We was robbed.

That election
was suspect, man.

(Curls) There is this
one other sister

in my
Relativity class

and I'll be damned
if our professor

doesn't call me Loretta
every goddamn time.

We all look the same.

Programming professor gets me and
Martin here mixed up constantly.

You should be
so lucky.

Cute. You get that
at Toys "R" Us?

(Coco) The talented tenth always

has to bust its ass
a little bit harder

but I don't see
what the point is

in blaming white folks
for everything.

Who's blaming, Blue Eyes? I
really don't see the issue.

Never had one. Never ran
into any lynch mobs.

(Sam) Lynch mob's still here.
Just re-branded itself.

As what, pray tell?
(Reggie)
The Republican Party.

You want to know how
this world sees you?

You go to a Young
Republican's meeting

and bring up welfare.

Or Immigration.
Or gay rights.

Bullshit.

You have
something to add?

Me? Yeah, I do.

Look, your biggest
athletes, right?

Movies stars...

Hell, guys,
my president is black.

Okay, sometimes I think
the hardest thing to be

in the American
work force right now

is an educated
white guy.

[laugh]
You're not serious?

Hey look, you guys still
got affirmative action,

that's all
I'm saying.

I'm sorry, what exactly
are you doing here?

All right, check this out.
You ready? Obama, right?

Leader of the free world.

He gets into Harvard
based on... You!

Too late.
Affirmative action.

You know who's not
president right now? No?

The guy who didn't get in.

Well, on behalf of all the
colored folks in the room

let me apologize to all the
better qualified white students

whose place
we're taking up.

No, it's fine.
We're okay.

I'm sorry,
did you get lost?

Bechet is that way.

Oh, I know where it is. I'm
actually supposed to eat there.

This is the only dining hall
that you can actually

get yourself some
chicken and waffles.

[laughing]

Look, you're
Dear White People, right?

It's funny.

It's funny stuff,
it really is.

How have we
not staffed you yet?

Oh, me?
Oh what?

On Pastiche, your
uninspired humor magazine?

It's actually much more than
just a magazine, sweetheart.

SNL staff is basically half
Lampoon, half Pastiche.

Same goes
for the network comedies.

And what gives you
clubhouse kids

the right to come
to our dining hall?

You don't live here.

Sam, what
are you doing?

So, you
can't eat here.

Chill, Sam. Damn, all right?
Let the man...

Got this.
Got this.

Look, who are you
to throw me out?

Oh! Well, I think
I'm head of this house.

And I'm doing
things my way.

Your way.
[nonsense fear sound]

Excuse me.

[groans and laughter]

Serious question.
Do you know who I am?

Yeah, I know your dad
is the president. Good.

He's the same one
that has been pushing

to break up this
house for a decade.

What's wrong? Is he afraid that
letting the negros gather in groups

might start a little
rebellion on his plantation?

Oh, well, then you tell him
from me, that he should be.

Yeah.
Bad move.

(Kurt)
Let's go.

(Kurt)
Excuse me. Sorry.

[laughing]

Excuse us.

[laughing]

Uhhh...

You too.

Me? Yeah, I'm sorry.
Do you live here?

She the man.
She the man.

[clapping]

[cheering]

[keyboard clicking]

(Sam, on PC) Dear white
people, stop dancing.

The fuck?

(Helmut) Yeah, well, conflict
is a commodity in my industry.

Sam has that.
Do you?

Welcome, muffins.

So, I hate
to do it to you

but I'm gonna have to get real
black with you for a second.

So the other day, a girl had
the nerve to fix her mouth

and ask me if my
hair was weaved.

Weaved?
Really, bitch?

First of all, if you're
going to fix your mouth

to ask me
something like that,

say it right, please?
It's weave.

Noun. Present tense.

Second of all,
don't assume

just because you see
a sister with some hair

that it's a weave.
Is it?

If a bitch could grow straight Indian
hair directly out of her own head,

she wouldn't have just overdrafted
her account paying for this shit

but that ain't
your business, Boo-Boo.

Are those your lips, sweetie?

Is that really your skin?

These white girls
and their tans,

they're starting
to get darker than me

which isn't that dark.

Dear white people,
what do I think about it?

[silent movie music]

[no audio]

Okay. Anyone have
any comments

for Sam's “Rebirth
of a Nation?”

Could I?
Gabe, go ahead.

(Gabe) I dig the
silent movie thing,

but it's
a little self-congratulatory.

Light on story

and frankly
thematically dubious.

(professor)
Anybody else?

[chatter]

(professor)
Sam?

Before you say anything

might I remind you
that I sat through

A Birth of a Nation,
Gone with the Wind,

and Tarantino week
without protest.

Yeah, and might I also
remind you that I read

your entire 15 page,
unsolicited treatise

on why the Gremlins
is actually about

suburban white fear
of black culture.

The gremlins are loud,
talk in slang,

are addicted
to fried chicken,

and freak out
when you get their hair wet.

The only problem that I have with
your film is that it was late.

The silent projects
were last semester.

You were supposed
to e-mail me

your sound treatment
over the summer.

I have radio, BSU,

now this Head of House thing.

Okay, do you want this?

Look, this thing might as
well be my right hand.

I was busy this summer.

Your peers are out
getting internships,

making short films.
My dad was sick.

I had to go home.

If you need time,
take it.

But if you want
to be here next semester...

I do.
Pull if together!

This is Winchester.

Thematically dubious.

(Gabe) Well, what was that
supposed to be about exactly?

(Sam)
You're thematically dubious!

Since when do TA's
give critiques?

You invoke minstrelsy for
shock value, to what end?

To invoke the same feeling I
get when I turn on the TV

and see some so-called reality
star shuck and jive for ratings

egged on by no doubt
white producers.

Or the sassy
black secretary

who has no backstory
or character development

aside from her skin color.

So it's a tit
for tat?

Are you honestly saying that
art can't be reactionary?

You're reacting to something
that's 100 years old.

Because fear of black men
involved in U.S. government

is a completely
antiquated concept.

No social relevance today.

I think that sometimes
you should hold

a mirror up
to your audience

rather than dropping an
ideological piano on their head.

I just think that works that
deal with the African Diaspora

through a post-modern lens
are outright rejected

unless handled
by a white artist.

African Diaspora?
Yeah, I said it.

I'm sorry, but blackface is
alive and well in our culture.

Who primarily buys
hip hop,

watches Housewives
of Atlanta ?

The same homogenized images of
black people over and over again?

White people, Gabe.

Who goes to see
Tyler Perry movies?

We're an underfed community.

None of this changes the
fact that the vibrancy,

the complexity of black
culture has been distilled

into commodities and marketing
schemes to be bought and sold.

To the detriment of the so
called “real thing.” Got it.

(Sam) It means that I
am indistinguishable

from the so called
“urban” images

of black folks used to amuse
and market to white America.

And the commodification of culture is
uniquely oppressive to black people? Mm-hm.

So when Kanye raps
about Louis V

and Rolexes
and Classical art

exactly what exploited
pockets of Black America

are those references
being mined from? Fro...

On your knees.

[gasp]

[exhales]

What?

You dream
in “Cosby” again?

My hair was so straight.
My sweater so big.

I told you
about that?

[cell phone vibrates]

Hey so, this whole
Head of House thing. Congrats?

Yeah, it's, it's...

Weird, right?

I never took you
as a student politician.

Yeah, well...

Sam?

What are we doing?

Fucking.

[no audio]

(Sam, off)
Dear white people,

please stop
touching my hair.

Does this look
like a petting zoo to you?

(Gordon)
Kurt, it's 3:00.

I know
it's already 3:00.

(Mitch) Yo, can I
hit that bottle?

Y.O.L.O. my nigga!

We don't even have
a staff yet.

I don't understand...

Why are we even
planning this?

Everybody wants
to be on our staff.

That's the easy part.

Look, we're doing staff
picks at game night.

RSVPs are already through
the roof on that anyway.

Halloween is
our premiere party.

The waitlist
is already 100 deep.

[PC pings]

(Kurt) Guys, we gotta
do something huge

to outdo this summer.

(Mitch) We can always do
East-West hip hop party.

Get the honeys up on this piece.
“Honeys.” You're from Vermont.

Guys, what's
the Pastiche motto?

“Sharpen thy sword.”

You mean to tell me

our motto is a euphemism
for jerking off?

No. It's a reminder that satire
is the weapon of reason.

So who on campus
is being most unreasonable?

You know what it's
a reminder to me of?

How gay Gordon is.
[laughter]

Was that a reasonable
attempt What do you want?

At a quip, Mitch? Could you
say reasonable one more time?

(Mitch)
lt makes you sound good-
(Kurt)
Guys, shut up.

(Sam)
Knowing Lil Wayne lyrics

no longer earns you
an honorary black card.

It just reminds me of how often
you say the word “nigga ”

when no one black
is around

as is required
in reciting said lyrics.

(Kurt) Look at that.
[Sigh]

God, who does Sam
think she is?

(Mitch)
Seriously, dude, it's like

Spike Lee and Oprah had some
sort of pissed off baby.

Hey.

Oooh.

Uh-huh.
Can we?
Could we?

How?

Easy-

Hi, Lionel.
What do you want?

Lionel, I spoke
with the dean today.

(Kurt) We had a very
enlightening conversation.

And I just wanted
to let you know

I'm sorry
about the voice message.

Do you accept?
Do you?

(Gordon)
Please put that away.

Sometimes you just got to talk
to these people in a language

that they're
going to understand.

Pathetic.
What was that?

All right.

Wherever they ship
you off to

be sure to pack
a sense of humor, all right?

The Tip Test.

[ding]

(Sam) You hit up
Jelly's for a snack.

Your waitress mistakes you for
someone who looks like you, black,

who once ran up a $30 bill
and left a dollar tip.

You watch all the other
customers order before you do...

Pastrami sandwich on rye.

And then proceed to wait no less
than 40 minutes for your food.

[clock ticking]

[ding]

How do you tip?

A-

40 minutes? She's lucky
if she gets 40 cents.

Okay, you do a good
job, maybe see a tip.

B-

She was tripping, but...

15% is
the least I can do.

Or C.

I reject the stereotype that
African-Americans do not tip.

I will leave 20... no, 25,
just to prove that I can.

One hundred. Oofta. Nose job.

(Sam)
Dear white people,

In a shocking reversal,

using the term "African-American
" is borderline racist now.

It turns out if you're too worried
about political correctness

to say "black",
odds are...

you secretly just want
to call us niggers anyway,

and truth be told, I'd rather
you just be honest about it.

Free speech, my ass.

Oh, Stalin quotes
for 200, please?

Oh, you're joking
about this?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Was I supposed to take
"Free speech, my ass"

as a legitimate
suggestion.

This is your office's
issue, Walter.

Especially after that episode
with Kurt in the dining hall.

Oh, all race issues
are my issues.

This is a student issue,

and you are the Dean
of Students, aren't you?

The last thing we need

is race war in the papers
across this country.

How do you think the donor base
will feel about that?

The fundraiser
is four weeks away.

How bad is
this deficit of yours?

It's worse.

And I want
to make something really clear.

If this gets any bigger at all,
it's on you, Walter.

Racism is over in America.

What? The only people who
are thinking about it are,

I don't know...
Mexicans, probably.

[knocking] Come on in, son.
I was just leaving.

President Fletcher.
[laughs]

You call me Herb, son.
All right.

Fletcher tells me his son
got his ass handed to him.

About time.

No, Sam was out of line.

Kurt is all right.

Well, but you're supposed
to be better than all right.

Since when do we start
losing elections, Troy?

Well, Dad, the Housing Act passing
without a fight didn't help.

And what did I tell you
about excuses?

Pops, my course load
is full anyway.

I'm head of Econ. Board,

plus, I'm uh...

I'm thinking
about joining Pastiche.

Pastiche. Yeah, you know,
to help round out the rest.

On Kurt Fletcher's staff.

I'll be goddamned
if after 20 years...

you're working
for that dumb-ass's son.

Yes, sir.

Fletcher and I
graduated one year apart.

He barely made it through.

I graduated summa cum laude.

Now who is president
and who is dean?

What's the difference?

Oh, a few hundred thousand
dollars a year, for starters.

Understand
what I'm saying?

What happened between you and Sam
that she's coming after you now?

Sophia.

I mean, you do remember
Sophia, don't you,

daughter of the president,
Psych. major,

"Has the whole world
ahead of her, Troy"?

Watch your tone.
Sorry, sir.

So you lost the house.

Onto the school presidency.

It would be good to show
that the campus

is capable of electing
someone like you...

as school president.

Someone like me.

Someone like you.

[laughs]

Hey, Babe,
hat or no hat?

Are you wearing that?

I don't have to be.

Hey, Boo.

How about we put

some of your newfound
free time to good use, hm?

It's been a while since we...

What is with
all this "Boo" stuff?

Since you fucked me
with your big, black cock.

It used to turn you on
when I talked like that.

Is it me?

Sweetheart, I love you.

Is it Sam?
Can we please just get ready?

Why? I hate
my brother's friends.

So you're not going with me.

You'd go without me?

But... you're my guest.

I mean, you could
just hang out here and I'll...

What is it
with you and my brother?

Are you in love with him?

Is this some, like, DL shit?

DL shit?

Wait, Sophia, hold on.
Just stay.

No, I'm not going.
All right, I'll go with you.

No.
I'll- I'll go with you.

[door closes]
Sophia?

[woman] Oh, my God.
He did not.

[man] Oh, he did.
You are so crazy.

Oh, yeah.

[chatting in distance]

[woman]
I could do better.

Shh, wait, wait.
Quiet. Wait, wait.
I want to watch this.

If a bitch could grow straight Indian
hair directly out of her own head,

she wouldn't have just overdrafted
her account paying for this shit...

but that ain't
your business, Boo-Boo.

Oh, my God.
l am so sharing this.

Send me the link.

I totally will.

Who was that?

New staffer, maybe.

Don't worry. The negro at the
door is not here to rape you.

So this is what
editors do?

We're taking a break.

What are you
doing here?

You said you want me to drop in and
tell you how the story was going.

Like next week.

It's Saturday night. You don't
have anywhere else to be?

Well, it was either this
or the new Madea movie.

Oh, dear God.
Where does she go this time?

Dialysis?

Man, fuck Tyler Perry.

Yes, can we have a movie with,
you know, characters in them

instead of stereotypes
wrapped in Christian dogma?

Why is every educated person
inherently evil?

Why is this nigga in a motherfucking
dress all the motherfucking time?

How come the only black movies
Hollywood wants to make

are ones with black Mamies
in fat suits?

Or black women
in pain, man?

So basically, we got
black people dying in the past

and black people
dying in the present.

Most people are here
to see Fang 9.

It's got 2 Chainz in it.

Oh!

Would you stop stereotyping
yourself and put that down?

This ain't Friday, man.

Okay, whatever.
Yo, Sam...

We gotta... we gotta talk
about this protest, girl.

When are we taking the housing
fight to the president?

House folded on sponsoring the rally.
What do we need a sponsor for?

Demonstrations that aren't sponsored
by a house can get shut down.

What about the house
that you're head of?

Hey, Sam,
I read Ebony and Ivy.

What's with the "oofta" and
"nose job" and "100" stuff?

You want me to break
it down for you? Yeah.

You want to know
an ideal Friday in my world?

A fifth of whiskey
and my T-Bone Walker records.

Real talk.

Yo, I'm sorry.

Who the fuck
is T-Bone Walker?

Only the most
influential pioneer

of electric and jump blues, bro.
Know your roots, player.

There are only a few ways colored folk
can survive at a place like this.

White folks always be on stuff,
like, decades too late,

and then y'all want to act
like you discovered some shit.

An "oofta"
is a jazz-age term

for Bojangle types who blacked
it up for white audiences.

Rock, jazz, blues.

Nigga, what you got on
right now?

Some PE.
Public Enemy, my nig...

No! Mm-mm.

Watch that, man.

Hey, you just called him.

Look, y'all get
country clubs.

We get to say "nigger".

An oofta modulates his blackness
up or down depending on the crowd

and what he wants
from them.

What about golf, man?

Or all of our girls?

What do you mean,
all your girls?

Well, there's O.J.
There's Wesley Snipes.

There's Tiger Woods.

Troy over here.
Exactly.

No, there's a word
for that. Okay?

"Reparation."

Forty white bitches
and a mule.

You know, I think Troy would
be great for the talk show,

don't you think, Kurt?

I fold.

Okay, and a nose job
is a wannabe?

Sort of.

Have you seen this?
No.

(Sam) Dear white people
using Instagram.

You have an iPhone
and you go on hikes.

I get it-
[laughing]

Nose jobs smooth their black
edges and try to blend in.

[man]
What's up, Mama?

Mm, don't talk like that.

Don't I know you
from somewhere?

Hey, where do I
know you from?

She was in the video.

Oh, yeah, video girl.
Check it out.

I hate to do it to you,
but I'm going to have to get

real black with you
for a second.

(Sam) A nose job's worst
fear is that their blackness

might cause a fuss
or draw undue attention

so they use it
to self-deprecate.

These white girls
and their tans,

they're starting to get
darker than me,

which isn't that dark.

Hmm, 40,000 views already.

Looks like somebody
submitted you on Buzzfeed.

You're blowing up.

Hey, you want me to get you
a refill or something?

Let me guess.

You're from Ohio.

No, I'm actually
from Vermont.

But the west side.

So what's your beef
with Dear White People?

Dear White People,
how do I feel about it?

It's blacker-than-thou
propaganda

from a bougie Lisa Bonet wannabe
who smells like patchouli.

But frankly, I can't believe we're
letting Sam get away with it.

That's awesome.

Seriously.

That's good.
That's nice.

And 100?

Just keeping it 100.

Just being black as hell,
just 'cause.

What about just
being yourself?

Like I said.

You don't mind, do you?
Of course not.

(Sam) There are only a few
ways colored folks can survive

at a place like this.

All right,
so then what?

So then Sam says...

"ls Daddy scared
that the negroes

are going to start a rebellion
on the plantation?"

To Kurt Fletcher.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Okay, we've got
a news item.

But there's something
bigger here.

It's a profile piece

on Armstrong-Parker and Sam
White's pseudo revolution.

What's the headline?

An outdated nationalist
seeks purpose, starts race war?

[all chuckle]

Beer is in the corner.

We'll bang out
the news item tonight

and we'll work on
the profile piece next week.

Yo, man.
[chuckles]

Now you know
I wasn't talking about Soph

with that whole
40 bitches thing, man.

I was just, you know...
Just what?

Just trying to get
on my staff?

I mean, I haven't really
thought... Come on, bullshit.

Look, game night is when we make
our bids for the new staff, okay?

That's why this guy is here,

and why everybody's here.

I just think having good hair

and carrying on
with a degree of sophistication

doesn't make me a traitor
to the race.

Absolutely.

You want to know why they
used to call me Black Mitch?

Absolutely.
Nobody called you that.

Come on, what were you
doing back there?

You're-you're practically
sitting there.

You're about like to bust out
some kind of tap dance.

Come on, man.
I'm a Poli-Sci major, bro.

I just came to hang out.
It doesn't matter.

Either way. Look, either way
my staff, they like you.

A lot.

But you don't.

Look, this thing
with you and Soph...

I'm good to her.

It doesn't matter.

Our dads have been playing
this chess match

off and on since 1972.

What and Sophie
is the white queen?

You're a pawn, Troy.

And maybe it's time
you got off the board.

Here's the deal.
Every year we throw a party.

Right? The whole point
is to mock

the self-important and moronic
entities of the campus.

Now, one way to get staffed

is to write an invite
for the party.

Our invites, they're-
they're freaking legendary.

You know, every year we make the Gawker.
We make the Post.

Tons of blogs.

The important thing is

is if your invite is the one
that is picked to be sent out,

then you're guaranteed
a spot on our staff.

Okay.

So what is
this year's theme?

It's...

I don't know.

Your party is, like,
two weeks away.

Yeah, I know.

Kurt, I want you
to meet someone.

You know Coco?

You guys got
a party coming up?

Got to rally, Sam. Time is now.
Reggie, use your head.

Do you really think that a rally
is going to change things?

It will do a hell of a lot more than
a radio show with views on YouTube.

Oh, okay.

Look... We got power.

Okay? And it's time
we use it.

We earned it.

We?
Oh, that's funny

'cause I didn't see you
running for shit, Reggie.

Sam.

Really?
Tired.

Don't one word me.

Did we go too far?

Did we pass
Armstrong-Parker?

No, I'm Garmin.

Fancy.
[laughs]

Why do you
always got to

snap at me
all the time?

I'm around you 24/7
like a lapdog,

and I don't even really be messing
with no redbone chicks like that.

Don't call me that. Girl, I thought
you was Puerto Rican when I met you.

Oh, okay. Oh, you can dish
it, but you can't take it?

No, I'm taking
my ass home.

George...

I'm not really down
with Sam,

and I'm not in the BSU.

I got kicked out
of Armstrong-Parker

same as Kurt.

But I'm going to write
a good article.

Okay?

Come on, Sam.

You know how I feel
about you.

How am I supposed to know
how you feel about me?

You know what?

Forgive me if I see
something in you,

something inspiring.

Some folks like me
can get behind.

Tell me you'll
set up the rally.

I'll set up the rally.

Absolutely. (Kurt) Right?
I think so.

I think...
I think it's bold.

I think it's ironic.

I think it's
everything we need,

and don't tell me
I'm the only one...

that thinks Sam White's little
movement needs to be cut down to size.

(Kurt) Right, right?
(Mitch) Yep.

(Kurt)
Beautiful. Mitch?

You got
your hip-hop party, man.

Bolly, bolly.

I'm telling you, man.

This is going to be huge.

Fucking epic.

(Kurt)
If you'll excuse us,

we will be in touch.

Troy...

get off the board, man.

It was nice seeing you again.

Where's Sophia?

I have no idea.
Hmm.

Can't wait to see what
story you come up with.

Night, Lionel.

Ah-ah-ah-ah.

Party is not over.

(Lionel) It's two
o'clock in the morning.

Sorry, bro.

Invitation only.

Trouble in paradise?

Figures.

Nothing.

I'm sure you have
something else

fair and petite
and fair

lined up for that drink.

And what's that
supposed to mean?

Oh, no, really,
it's fine.

I'm not even really
into black dudes anyway.

(Troy)
Coco, huh?

(Coco)
Colandrea doesn't exactly

pass the resume test,
you know?

Can you fucking die?

I mean, my parents really
should have just named me

Ghetto-ass
Hoodrat-ass Aneisha.

Do you indulge?

You know, it is 10 A.M.

Hmm.
[laughs]

I don't mess
with that stuff.

(Troy, off) You sure you
don't like black guys?

(Coco, off) Girl like me
is just a placeholder

for y'all
at a place like this.

I'm not like that.

I don't think
Sam would agree.

Poor thing.

She was light-skinned
and everything.

Hell, I said
it wasn't like that.

All right?

My Pops, he wanted me
with Fletcher's daughter.

Those two have been in competition with
each other ever since they went here.

He's not going to like you running
with those Pastiche boys, is he?

If I even get tapped.

You will.

You should do it.

They all land
somewhere big,

some before
they even graduate.

I've seen you in front
of a crowd, Troy.

I bet you could be famous.

So is that
what you want?

To be famous?

I want people...

to know my name.

Which one?

[cellphone dings]

"We want you.

"Come by Ellington
tomorrow at eight."

Anything?

Thanks.

You're going to have to stand
up to him sooner or later

You said you loved me.

I like you a lot.

What do you do...

when you go
in the bathroom?

Or is it just to get
away from me?

I smoke weed.

And I write jokes.

What the hell are you doing here?
This is my apartment.

Like hell it is.

Dean said this
was the only opening.

Well, head of house
doesn't share.

But you're not
head of house.

[Kurt, Troy, Mitch
chatting]

[gong rings,
People shout]

Yo, come on, guys.
Are you serious?

(Sam) All right, all right,
I think they've had enough.

Hello.

Finally made it in.

You moved
around a lot, right?

You must
have been terrified

when you saw Armstrong-Parker
written on your moving assignment.

I was just finishing up.

Do black people scare you?
No.

You're too scared
to even ask anyone for a cut.

I'm growing it out.

He's growing it out.

You're fostering
an ecosystem.

My man, how come
you never come to BSU?

I listened to Mumford & Sons
and watch Robert Altman movies.

You really think I'm black
enough for the Union?

Yeah, l love
Robert Altman.

Fucker goes in.

All right.

We're not homophobes,
you know, black folks.

I'm listening
to Frank Ocean right now.

I don't give a fuck.

I'm-I'm late for class.

Look, you're the new black
voice of the Bugle.

We 're just trying to figure out
if you're a friend or a foe.

We got to protect
our girl.

I'm not even on staff.

I mean, I have to make
good on my assignment.

Assignment,
what's the story?

It's a profile piece on black
culture here at Winchester.

Which you are
so clearly an expert on.

Tell me, man. What's harder? Being
black enough for the black kids,

or black enough
for the white ones?

Being neither.

[gong rings,
People shout]

Really, Sam?

(Dean)
Running late...

for your little rally?

Forget your sign?

You honestly think this is in the
spirit of Armstrong-Parker house?

The role of counterculture
is to wake up the mainstream.

I have furniture
older than you.

Counterculture?

Is that what
you think this is?

Your little show?
What about my show?

Your show is racist.

Black people
can't be racist.

Prejudiced, yes,
but not racist.

Racism describes a system of
disadvantage based on race.

Black people can't be racist,

because we don't stand
to benefit from such a system.

Your antics
are making press, Sam.

And press like this keeps men like
President Fletcher up at night.

Warm milk?

He's building
a file on you.

Okay, it's not my fault that your son
couldn't beat me in an election.

I'm sure it was tough
growing up...

wondering which side
you fit into.

Feeling like you have
to overcompensate, perhaps.

If that's true, Dean,

I'm not the only one.

Hey, hey, hey, brother.

There you are.

That one over there.

And that one over there.

There you are.

Thought we were supposed
to start at 12, right?

Yeah, I told you I had class.

This is going up
on Gillespie.

It's good, right?

Oh, what's this?

Yo, you ain't
getting cold feet.

No, but...
how long do I have to talk?

You're kidding me, right?

It's sort of the keynote.

Look, Reggie, I think that the whole
Malcolm X thing is more your lane.

I'm just not... (Reggie) These
people came here to see you, Sam.

Grab a bullhorn,
turn it on.

[cellphone dinging]

[ringing]

Hi. No, I'm kind of
in the middle...

(Sam)
Okay...

Okay.

Okay.

I got to...

You ready?

Sam.

Sam!

(Reggie) Sam, you have
our protest permits!

Sam.

[knocking]

Sam. Do you want me
to tell him to go?

(Sam) You're so tough. I will.

No, I want you to wait
until they've gone,

and then I want you
to head home.

I'm trying
to be here for you.

Can you be
somewhere else for me?

Sam, we know you're home.
We just want to talk.

What do you see in him?

[sighs]

The only eligible
single brother on campus.

Okay, okay.

No, I get it. Your parents owned
in Harlem, or something, right?

You watched Do The Right
Thing in high school,

and now you just want
to prove that you're down.

I want to be down? How long does it
take to get your hair like that?

[knocking]
Yo, Sam, open the door.

I will call you
tomorrow, Reggie!

Damn.

You don't understand.
Girls like me...

What, have to pick a side?

I'm sick of your tragic
mulatto bullshit, Sam.

You can't say "mulatto."

Mulatto, mulatto, mulatto!

Did somebody say "mulatto"?

Window. Go out the window.

I'm sorry if I can't be
your Nubian prince

on my black horse ready to take
you back to fucking Zumunda.

That's not a real
African country.

Can I at least get credit for a
solid Coming to America reference?

This isn't you, Sam.

No? And who am I?

You're this... girl.

Perceptive.

Who likes to argue with me
about every fucking thing.

And I hate it, because we both
know you're smarter than me.

Your favorite director
is Bergman,

but you tell people
it's Spike Lee.

You love bebop, but you've
got a thing for Taylor Swift.

I know, because my Mac
picks up your Mac's library.

I was so careful. You like to watch
me when you think I'm sleeping,

and trace
the outlines of my face.

[Reggie knocking]
We're ready to go, man!

You're more Banksy than Barack,

but you've been co-opted as some sort
of revolutionary leader or something?

But really?

You're an anarchist,

shit starter,
a beautiful filmmaker.

And beautiful...

in general.

[cell phone dings]

Yeah.

Yeah?

Yeah?

Okay, get some sleep.

Everything all right?

His condition is stable.

Good.

That's good, Sam.

[pounding on the door]

(Reggie)
Open the door!

Sam!

Gabe...

What?

Sorry.

Your video
is picking up steam.

I told you I was good TV. Hmm.

Yeah, the show
I'm scouting for

is called Black Face,
White Place.

It's a reality,
like true life.

Every episode focuses
on a different one of us

and the ceiling.

Interesting.

Interesting?

You think they want
interesting, dignified stories

of triumph
and survival? No.

They want the authentic
urban experience,

which is basically
network talk

for bitching
and weeping.

I'm telling you this
because the network wants

to pick a certain subject
to go to series.

We've got one episode,
one shot at that subject,

so if we do this...
We do it all the way.

Guessing Sam
turned you down?

I think so.
She called me

a bojangling oofta,
whatever that means.

40,000 views,
that's good,

but it's not great.

Well, I'm about to get
a whole lot more.

Look, we don't have anybody

like you and you had
a great idea, so we...

I want to emcee it.

Your party.

Okay. Okay, well...

Look, we're here to talk to you
about what we want.

You want me.

And in order to get me,

you have to let me
emcee your party.

Oh, and I'd also like to do
a live video blog

for my web series. Are they
going to let you do that?

They've got to.

They need me.

(Coco to Kurt)
Without me...

you guys look like a bunch
of privileged assholes.

Right, well, we don't...
we don't really let people

"video blog" our-our events.

Well...

you got a week to put
this thing together, Boo-boo.

So what's it going to be?

You look surprised.

It's just not everyone is
as camera ready as you are.

[radio announcer] Get your game
on for only $3.99 a month.

(Kurt, off)
The important thing is

if your invite is the
one that is picked

to be sent out, then you are
guaranteed a spot on our staff.

[announcer]
...for a low, low price.

[female announcer] The sci-fi
marathon continues right now.

[theme from Star Trek plays]

[sports announcer] Just over nine
minutes to go in this quarter.

They need to score
on this drive.

Looking for the blitz,
but he...

Troy, come on in.

Martin, share with Troy what
you've just shared with me.

The server that processes the
voting results for house elections

has shut down
the AP database.

(Martin) Apparently, the
intermediary program

is on a refractile loop.

I'm a Poli-Sci major, man.

Sam currently has
445 votes.

That's 200 more than she had last
week during the actual election.

She cheated.

She hacked the system.

I wouldn't even know how
to do a thing like that.

Is this little war of yours
really so important?

Look, I understand the pressure to stand
for something in an institution like this,

but you're barking up
the wrong tree. Okay?

(Martin)
It had to have been Reggie.

Guy's in my programming class.

Good, just forgot
to turn his program off.

Wow.

(Martin) You are the
rightful head of house.

So great.

Martin, let me speak
to Troy for a bit.

I appreciate this.

Your advisor tells me that you're
hanging on by a thread in your major.

Maybe it's time
for you to reprioritize.

You're trying
to frighten me,

but I think you're
the one who's scared.

And I think
that you long for days

when blacks were hanging from
trees and denied actual rights.

That way you would have something
to actually fight against.

You'll be facing two hearings
in the coming weeks

that could end in either
a suspension or probation.

One on the merit
of your show...

the other on your election
to head of house.

Your responsibilities
to your house are suspended.

Your show is dead.

And if there is another one
of your illegal demonstrations

it's going to get
a lot worse.

This is a critical time
for this school.

You're damn right it is.

We don't have
an intolerance problem here.

Except for the one
I'm looking at.

You didn't tell me that you and
Sophia had a misunderstanding.

Who did?

Her father.

She was very upset.

What vision do you have
for yourself, Troy?

Get my degree

then law school, then...

And what has that got to do

with partying with Kurt,

smoking weed,
and writing jokes?

So okay, what is it?

The spotlight
that Kurt gets?

You want to see yourself
on TV?

You know how many black men
waste their lives

trying to be on TV,
be rappers or ballplayers?

Dad, no. I want what
we always talk about.

Maybe have
my own firm someday,

run for office.

Make a difference.

What about the drugs?

I have been in academia
a long time.

I've seen a lot of things.

And the men
who really run this world,

oh...

you've got no idea what
they see when they see you.

You are not going to be
what they all think you are.

You are not going to give them
that satisfaction.

Do you hear me?

Yes, sir.

Get out of my sight.

[phone rings]

[secretary] President's office.

I'll be right there.

(President)
I know about the party.

(Kurt)
What Party?

Yeah, cute.

Let me tell you something.
You picked a hell of a time.

It's the Halloween party. I want
you to listen to something.

It's canceled, Kurt.
End of story.

(Kurt) I can't cancel. There's
like 100 people coming.

Hey.

Lionel's story
on the would be protest

outside Gillespie
is running tomorrow.

Yeah, and I've also got Lionel
working on a profile piece

of Armstrong-Parker,
like you suggested.

Really break down
what's going on.

Right?

It's almost like they...

recycle so much
from their past.

Music, food, fashion,

and now turbulence.

Thank you so much.

Take care.

Well? That was our
Times advisor.

He said it's stories
like these

that get editors
letters of recommendation.

[knocks]

Negro at the door
didn't scare you this time?

(Annie)
Lionel, please.

You're only
technically black.

G? Going to French.

Should I save you a seat?
(George) Yeah, thanks.

You need something?
I saw your email.

Oh, yeah.

I need someone to do
the donors event on Saturday.

A small dinner
for the school's big givers.

That's Halloween night.

Right, which is why
no one else will take it.

Ah, thus the new guy.

I'm going to class, but...

you can stay and check out
last year's piece if you want.

You'll do fine.
I don't know.

Is there going to be any racially
fueled outbursts at this thing?

You never know, right?

Hey, am I a good writer?

You'll get better.

And we need you right now.

Please, you're just
one big recommendation

away from the Times.

Hey...

There's a big party
after the donors event.

Call me after.
Maybe we can hang?

Yeah, yeah,
sounds good.

(Kurt)
Dear white people,

Are you tired of your humdrum
Wonder Bread existence

of accidental racism,
and wishing you could sip

on henny
out your crunk cup

without a bitch
giving you the side eye?

Of course you are.

For all those looking
to unleash their inner negro

from years of bondage
and oppression

Pastiche proudly presents

Dear White People,

our 89th annual Hallows Eve
costume party

tonight at 10 Pacific time

or five colored people time.

Dudes must rock Fubu, Ecko,

Rocawear, or Sean John.

XXXL is
the smallest sized T-shirt

you can wear,

preferably with a collage
of Barack Obama

and Tupac on it.

Ladies, we need to see
huge hoop earrings,

long nails,
and cheap, tight clothes.

Proper hood rat starts fights,
speaks loudly,

and when she can't think of
the words she's trying to say,

just makes one up,
such as "edjmucated."

Now feel free
to fry on up some chicken,

bring some Kool-Aid,
watermelon,

forties, and of course,
that purple drank.

Naturally, there will be
a freestyle rap competition,

so bring if and join us for
the party of the year.

Oh, and uh...

Nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga
nigga, nigga.

Boy, that felt good.

Funny seeing you here.

Pops likes to show me off
at all these donor functions.

So...

Picard or Kirk?

Kirk. Wait.

I didn't say...
Yo.

What happens at the crib
stays at the crib.

I'm not trying to get
my card revoked.

Someone could say
that a show that had

Whoopi Goldberg, Michael Dorn,
and Kunta Kinte himself

was a pretty black show.

That work out for you?
No, no, it did not.

At least not in high school.

Bet there's, like, a statue
of you in your high school.

I was beloved.

They know you were
a Trekker?

So what, you growing
that out?

I think it's
gaining sentience.

[laughs]

Yeah, it's out there.

Yeah, it's like a black hole
for white people's fingers.

They're... obsessed.

I mean, you know
I cut hair, though.

So why don't you
just ask me?

I don't know.
You're... you.

(George)
Ly, you ready, man?

Yeah. No costumes?

I got a suit
for this.

(Annie) We just got out
of the staff room.

Yeah, we're going
as overworked.

Where is it?
Garmin House,
on Third, I think.

Third and Basin.

I know it.

Yo, man.

If I'd have gone
to your high school...

I'd have had your back.

[loud hip-hop music,
chatting, shouting]

This is kind
of fucked up, right?

Pastiche, the world's
most erudite boneheads.

I need another drink.

Hey.

Sorry.

It's all right. I just can't
wait to cut all of this off.

Don't you dare.

I could eat you
like a Hershey's.

I'll... I'll be
right back.

Okay.

Sam.

I hope to run
for office someday.

Make a difference,
you know?

If you guys will
excuse me for one moment.

I promise I'll be
right back.

Hold that thought.

(Sam) So what do
you want me to do?

Go over and yell at them? (Lionel)
Have you heard you yelling?

For the first time in my life,
I can't just sit around

and do nothing.

So... how can you?

I'm done being everybody's
angry black chick.

[door closes]

Hey, muffins.

So how do I look?

Tell me...

why are white folks
so obsessed with being black?

Hell, why are black folks addicted
to blonde Barbie doll weaves?

The strange symbiosis
that we're here to investigate.

[no audio]

Hi.

How's it going?

All right.

This is-

Black Student Union.
Black Student Union, yeah.

Yeah.
'Cause it's 7:30.

It's your call, man.

All right,
all right...

All right, y'all.
Thanks for coming out.

Tonight, looks like Sam
is not going to make it,

so let's call it.

Um, hi.

I'm Lionel.

I know some of you.

None of you know me.

I've never been to a meeting.
I plan on coming.

I just came
from this party,

and I feel like you guys
should know about it.

Hey, Kurt.
What's up, man?

How you doing?
What the fuck is going on?

All these people
just showed up, man.

Wait, who am I?

"Bitch, it's weave, noun,
present tense, how."

Okay,
point taken.

Hey, man, you want a drink?
Shut up.

Yeah.
Kurt, it's me.

I can't do this.

Okay, I'm fucking confused.

Dad.
Not now, Troy.

But Dad,
it's important.

I heard there's something
happening on campus

and I might have been a part
of setting it off.

Son, you're being rude.

Oh, am I?

Well, how about I tell
all your precious donors

and anybody who will listen what kind
of school it is they're giving to!

What is wrong with you?

How dare you?

You can't come over here
and talk to your father...

All I say is "Yes, sir"
and "No, sir."

Now look, I should have brought this to you
earlier, but I didn't know what to do.

Okay, let's wait.
Listen to me!

(Reggie)
Done right, brother.

What's the plan?

We go over there.

Now.

Think there's
enough of us?

Latinos United
is meeting across the hall.

Asian-American League, too.

You guys got better snacks.

Wait, what?

Yeah, dude,
we all got it.

I mean, everything
is cool, right?

Take that shit off!

Take that fucking shit off.

Wait, what the fuck
are you doing, man?

Jesus!

We're putting an end
to this, Kurt.

You know what? Everybody get
the fuck out of my house.

Okay?
I'm calling the cops.

Let's make it do
what it do!

One, two, one, two, three.

Yo, give me your wife
before I slap ya.

I've been looking
for some dames,

but there's not
another chapter.

You can do me slow,
you can do me fast.

You can add it to my league.
I'm the royalty to ask for.

One, two, wa-wa-wa-one.

(Lionel)
I say hey!

[Crowd]
Hey!

Ho!
[crowd] Ho!

My name is Lionel.

Some call me Ly.

Most people think
I kind of talk quiet.

But that's all right,
that's all cool.

I'd rather be white
than tap dance with you.

[microphone feedback]

[crowd gasps]

Get the fuck
out of my house.

What you doing?
Get the fuck out of here!

What?

Say it.

Come on.

You know, this may come
as a shock to you,

but these people don't give a fuck
about no Harriet motherfucking Tubman.

They pay millions of dollars

on their lips, their tans,

their asses, Jay-Z tickets,

because they want
to be like us.

And they got to be
for a night.

I'm not about to go out
into the streets

and protest a fucking
Halloween party.

He can't help it.

But why do you have
to be such a fag?

Looks like you got me
right where you want me, huh?

[no audio]

[sirens approaching]

Hey...

I didn't do this, Sam.
I didn't do this.

Outrage over an African-
American themed party

has resulted in rioting
and property damages.

(Sam) Naturally, a dozen
colored folks crashing a party

was dubbed a riot,
but nevertheless,

the story made national news.

(President Fletcher)
I'm sorry.

We don't condone this
egregious event, believe me.

Dean Fairbanks and I are
looking into different ways

to address issues
of diversity...

Housing reform!
[woman] Yeah!

Housing reform.

I mean, the fact that
we can joke about this

proves we moved on,
obviously, right?

I mean, in this day and age,
if you can't take a joke...

Shit, I'm just saying this is an
attack on my freedom of speech.

I'm the victim here!

(Sam)
The campus was divided.

Was the party an act of free
speech, or was it racism?

I mean, this is only a debate
because of who Kurt's dad is,

which just proves the point.

I mean, all you did was have a radio
show and look what happened to you.

(Coco) This may come
as a shock to you,

but these people
don't give a fuck

about no Harriet
motherfucking Tubman.

They want to be like us.

And they got to be
for a night.

Of course I got
my dad involved.

It was the right thing to do.

And now all of these posters
just started showing up.

I mean, why settle
for head of house

when there's a need for me
as president, you know?

Dear white people,

You know what?

Never mind.

(Kurt) When I heard what
the group was planning,

I emailed my staff
and I told them to quit.

That is a copy of the
email in front of you.

And who's this?

My lawyer.

So when I got the invite and
saw everyone clicking yes,

I figured it was back on.

We know you
were planning this.

Your son tell you that?

"Wishing you could sip on
henny out your crunk cup

"without a bitch
giving you the side eye."

You write this, Troy?

No.

Mine wasn't chosen.
But you wanted to be.

What I wanted didn't matter then,
so why should it matter now?

I'm the one who got you
to send the police, remember?

The invite came from the
Pastiche Facebook account.

(Kurt)
I canceled the party!

You got to believe me.

What were your intentions when
you went back the second time?

To stop it.

By any means necessary?

Someone once told me that

Winchester was like jazz.

Now I don't know much
about jazz,

but from what I can tell,

when your solo is up,

you better blow.

(Dean) You want to hear
something strange?

The Pastiche group page
hadn't been used for months

until the invite went out.

Why am I even here?

What's interesting
is how easy it was

to access the group page.

The password was "pastiche"
spelled with a dollar sign

according to Kurt,

but it seems
it's recently been changed.

I couldn't
figure it out at first.

Then I thought
to try something.

578-35-26-196.

Eleven numbers.

Just like
our student l.D. numbers.

Just like
your student l.D. number.

As much as you hate him,
you will stop at nothing

to protect your master
and his boy.

Did you send out
the invite, Sam?

(Sam) lt wasn't speeches thet
turned the tide for civil rights.

It was the anarchists willing to provoke
the police, get sprayed by hoses,

anything to cause a scene
and make press.

That invite,
whoever sent it,

should have been met
with derision and outrage.

Instead, 100 people,
your students,

showed up,
and they pulled out posters

and decorations and costumes

that they had made
for such an event,

and they showed our school

exactly where it's at.

Well, you've made
some new friends.

(Troy) I guess you
could call them that.

So...
No, not right now.

Not here.

Fine.
Oh, come on, Coco.

Fuck you, Troy.

Look, my dad saw your videos,

and he's just
a little worried...

How it will look?

With your campaign and all?

What's your best friend
Reggie think?

Hey... we had fun.

All right?

You know, I get that everybody
else wants you to win, Troy.

But do you?

Hello, Sam.

I read about
Armstrong-Parker.

Yeah, Pres. made
an executive withdrawal,

so Armstrong stays black.

Congrats.

I don't know. It's getting a
little too dramatic, man.

I'm thinking about getting
an apartment off campus.

So we'll see.

Sam White going against the grain?
Shocking.

How's Papa White?

Recovering.
Good.

Well... We were actually
on the phone last night

for hours.

It was the first time
we talked since the bypass.

And he was putting up
a strong front,

teasing me about being
so worried.

And then came the stories
about me as a little girl

that I'd heard 1,000 times.

About how...

independent I was.

Want to talk about it?

My mom worked nights,

so he'd always
take me to school, and...

it used to piss me off

because he'd follow me
all the way to homeroom.

And whenever he'd try
to hold my hand,

I'd scream and...
pull it away.

The students
and the parents

they'd see this white man

and this black girl

and they'd wonder
what we were doing together.

Even at nine, I could feel
their eyes on me.

And I was just
a bratty girl.

I didn't know any better,
but the thought of losing him...

You know?

I, um...

I just feel so bad.

How awful am I
to do that to...

him, or to anyone...

that I...

love.

I'm sure he forgives you.

You think so?

So anyway, I don't know...

why I said all that.

Sam, where are you going?

I don't know.

Lunch.

Isn't it Mac N' Cheese day
at Armstrong-Parker?

You think
they'll let you in?

Let me get this straight.

First you try to break up
the black house.

Then you take down the sister
with the little radio show.

Then after all of that,

your son throws a blackface party.
Now wait a minute.

Now if you thought you were having
trouble finding money before,

just wait until cable news
gets their hands on this story.

I mean, Bill Maher
is going to fuck you up.

You know,
I've heard enough.

I'm sorry.

Look, the point is
from where I'm sitting,

this place is a gold mine.
What?

We still need the stuff
that leads up to the party.

That happened already.

Well yeah, we can
re-enact it.

Re-enact.

It's a documentary term.
I...

The point is, I could be putting
together an overall deal today.

I am talking real money.

Turns out the only thing Americans
love in their reality TV

more than ignorant black kids
is crazy racist white folks.

(Dean)
Now look here.

This is an honorable
institution.

The idea that we would
so much as entertain...

How much we talking?