Original subtitles

(radar beeps)

(TV) Where's the Captain, Mr Spock?

He's out there, Doctor.

Out there somewhere in a thousand cubic parsecs of space.

And there is absolutely nothing we can do to help him.

(creature roars)

(creature hisses)

(radio) Bogey inbound, 500 miles from Rockport.

- Roger, tac-com. You got it too? - What is it?

I don't know. Signal has it at 500 miles, inbound real fast.

Whoa! That's not one of ours.

We've confirmed inbound bogey.

Werewolf, flight camera's now on.

Whoo! Man, is he moving! Unidentified aircraft,

you are violating restricted airspace.

Reduce speed to mach one.

Descend to 3,000 feet and identify, or we will force you down.

Bogey not responding. He's walking away fast.

Suggest Air National Guard intercept.

This is Cowboy. I got a lock-on. Request permission to fire.

You are cleared to fire.

Mebs, you should've activated the cloaking device.

I cannot remember everything!

He's disappeared. He's just disappeared!

(ding)

Greetings.

- You need a room? - Correct.

Fill out an application. Just a form.

I seek out techno-industrial sector

where I can purchase two simlats of platinum paste.

Oh, this time of night, huh? Gee, let's see.

See, I'm kinda new to the area.

Where can I obtain a helium grafting device operable at eight fathoms?

The day guy knows this area really good. I can't help you.

- Is this a double occupancy? - Correct. That is my mate.

Yeah, right. I'm sure she is.

That's... That's fine. OK.

Will that be cash or charge?

Eh?

How will you pay for the room?

We shall remunerate with metallic tender-discs.

- Correct. - This is fine.

(buzzing)

(sniffs)

(laughs)

This is a primitive device.

We need one with the right components to contact Remulak.

The Highmaster will be displeased about our ship.

Affirmative. He will surely cut off my plarg and hand it to me.

But do not despair. We will be rescued.

Until then, we must adapt.

When the hydrogen droplets have ceased,

we will live undetected amongst the blunt skulls.

Beldar, how can we live among the blunt skulls?

We will blend in.

(TV) My goodness, Mike Sanders. Wow.

Here's the man that made it happen last match.

(both scream)

Hey, Otto, this dude's almost as fast as you are.

No, this boy is the best. Shows up on time,

gives me an honest day's work. You can't find people like this.

That's right.

White boys and the brothers show up late, loaf around.

- All they want is a cheque. - I heard that.

Here is your Superjuicemaster. Frequent cleaning of blades

will prevent wear and accumulation of bacteria.

(chuckles)

I told you, he's good.

If I could find three more like him, I could retire.

It is time for midday cessation of activities for protein-carbo intake.

- Sure. Take your lunch break. - Lunch. Lunch. Lunch.

The boy loves to eat.

Lunch. Lunch. Lunch. Lunch. Lunch.

Lunch. Lunch. Lunch. Lunch.

Lunch. Lunch. Lunch. Lunch. Lunch.

Greetings, earthwoman.

Time for midday consumption of mass quantities.

I have re-radiated leftover starch disc.

Pizza. I will enjoy it.

There. Warning. Do not sear the top of your neck hole

in the molten lactate extract of hoofed mammals.

Aah!

Excellent. The final component for the intergalactic communicator.

Correct.

There.

Perhaps tighten the spiral dimension fasteners.

Beldar, activate the device!

Inform Marlax of our situation.

There is no advantage to delay.

(voices from TV shows)

Verscrub.

Phone home!

Omglath Marlax.

(echoes)

We haven't heard from you in clarsogs.

I'm glad your life functions are active.

Greetings, Marlax.

I trust you have enslaved the planet.

Er...

Unanticipated failure of mentaglion drive

has caused us to abandon our vessel in a fluid mass.

At what time coordinates can we expect a rescue vessel?

Rescue vessel? You tarpaath!

I'd not like to be in your cone when the Highmaster hears this.

He will not take it lightly. I'll arrange for a starcruiser

to enter your solar system in seven zerls.

(both) Seven zerls!

Flargans. Remulak. Narpail.

Marlax, wait!

Seven zerls!

We should discuss something

that is far more important than planetary conquest.

What could be more important than planetary conquest?

Beldar, I am with Cone.

You? I? A young one?

Affirmative.

$8,000. This is the best week I've ever had.

- And there's 1,200 for you, Beldar. - Thank you.

You still haven't given me your social security number.

My social security number? I am sorry. I keep forgetting.

I need it. I got state payroll forms, workman's comp.

You do have a number?

Of course. I am a citizen of this planet.

Alright, my man, give me the numbers.

O... two... five...

..six...

..X point three...

..O... B...

..eight...

..seven...

You don't have a social security number?

Correct.

- Why not? - I am an illegal alien.

I knew you were too good to be true!

Every time I make money, this happens. Where you from?

The planet Remulak. I am Fuel Survey Underlord for...

Never mind. Never mind!

Look, we'll work this out.

Here's the deal. Your name is Donald R De Cicco.

Donald R De Cicco.

That's you. D-E capital-C-l-C-C-O.

Born August 11th, 1951, in Brockton, Massachusetts.

- Brockton. - And your name is?

- Donald R De Cicco. - Right. Nice to see you.

Your wife is Mary Margaret Rowney,

born June 26th, 1955, in Rhode Island.

- You're from where? - Brockton.

My mother's from there!

You were married June 4th, 1975, in Greece,

where you met after your graduation from Hobart College.

- Hobart. - Hobart College.

He's a wizard. Everything you need is here.

Birth certificates, school records, employers' addresses,

grandmother's maiden name. They won't ask, but it's there.

And social security numbers. Name?

Donald R De Cicco.

Nice to meet you. Welcome to the United States.

Right there. Up and down.

(rap music)

This is a fine craft. It can be operated with ease.

Not so close, alright?

I'm not against closeness, it's just not my thing.

In America, we got this thing called space. There you go.

If you're gonna live here and have kids, get yourself together.

Buy yourself a car, maybe get a hat for that head.

And do something about those teeth.

Teeth.

You know what the key to success is?

I do not.

I'm gonna tell you. Look good. Be your own boss.

Never get chained to a desk. When it comes to business, take cash only.

Look good, be own boss,

no desk, cash only.

You got it.

- Got any more of that gum? - Of course.

But if I chew and drive I might hit something.

(both talk in Spanish)

Please, I'm better with English. All I'm getting is clicking noises.

Clicking? Que?

Could you be a lamb and have a seat?

Take-o uno seataro, por favor.

Hi, there. I'll take that.

Mr Seedling can't see anyone. He's having one of those days.

Isn't that cute? OK, that's not yours.

No te lo voy a desgastar.

Bear in mind these figures are not to scale.

I suggest we put electronic collars on all the deportees.

We bury a wire along the border, forming an invisible fence.

The next time this illegal tries to enter the country...

Pow! A jolt he won't soon forget.

It'll send a nice message

to the rest of the population. Let's get on this.

Why am I the only one who sees the problem?

I don't know.

Everyone else hopes the problem will go away. It won't.

You're right. It won't disappear.

- Maybe I should give up. - No.

- Sure. Be like everybody else. - It's not you.

- Let the country be overrun. - You wouldn't be happy.

That's why I have to give it everything. 100 percent.

- Everyone thinks it's crazy. - And obsessive.

- That I'm a mental case. - Completely insane.

I have something for you.

That deceased SSI number you flagged.

De Cicco's back. That's the tenth job he's taken this month.

Not bad for a guy who was shot dead in a clam bar in Sheepshead Bay.

Now Mr De Cicco is working as an appliance repairman.

Let's see. Donald De Ciccos one through five turned out to be

a Samoan, a Vietnamese, a Sicilian, a Canadian...

- And a Belgian. - He skipped back to Belgium.

I lost him, Eli. This one I want.

Dr Rudolph,

this is Mr De Cicco. He wants his teeth capped. All of them.

OK. We'll just take a look.

Hello, Mr De Sicko.

De Cicco. The name is De Cicco.

I'm Dr Rudolph. Can we send for your regular dental records?

When I was young, I chipped a tooth horn

on my rocket sled in a vurl storm.

But there were no records which we could send

from where... we come from.

Alright.

Now, I understand you want to have your teeth capped.

- Correct. - Let's just take a look.

And open, please.

And close, please.

Hmm!

And open, please.

(suction)

OK, we'll start the caps right about here, Mr De Fasco.

De Cicco.

And open wider,

if you can.

- Headrest comfortable? - Fine.

Alright. I'm going to give you some nitrous oxide.

If you feel any pain, let me know.

And breathe.

(snores loudly)

(snoring)

(tyres screech)

(dog barks)

Beldar!

Beldar!

Mebs! Mebs!

Human authority figures! Mebs.

Mebs! We must egress immediately.

(banging on door)

They are at the portal. We are scrabnord!

INS! Open up!

Beldar!

Go round the back.

There they go!

Egress! Egress!

Turnbull!

OK. No foreign passports, letters, newspapers.

Nothing to indicate their country of origin,

except these Mardi Gras suits.

Let me see. Maybe they're Brazilian.

Sir?

It'd be better if that went through me.

He's not in a good mood. Thanks.

I think I found something, sir.

That symbol also appears on this card.

Let me see that.

- Possibly Korean. - Possibly.

- Have this text analysed. - OK. Run this.

Look at this filth. It's filthy.

Human beings don't live like this.

- Find out where they're from. - On it.

Because wherever that is,...

..I'm seeing to it that they go back there.

LaGuardia Airport. Delta terminal.

Do you wish I take the BQE, the Van Wyck,

or Woodhaven Boulevard to Grand Central Parkway?

There are more lights but less traffic.

- Whatever. Just get there. - Woodhaven.

345, drop-off, LaGuardia.

(children giggle)

- Greetings. - Greetings, my geneto-mate.

How was your day ferrying humans across the grid?

Acceptable. Tips could have been better.

(groans)

The impending Cone prepares for its emergence.

(knock on door)

It's Khoudri. Welcome, my employer and landlord.

Forgive my intrusion. Ravi is sick. Can you work the midnight shift?

- Use my car. - Certainly.

But it will be the last triple shift. The birth spasm is near.

Beldar, once again you have pulled me from the fire.

Yes.

You worked through your slar phase again.

Guz deprivation is not good.

But this dwelling is no longer acceptable.

Even by earth standards it is not good enough.

We must move to a safer neighbourhood with better schools

and a stronger economic matrix which will not tax us to death.

We are no better off than we were two zerls ago.

This dwelling is available at $6,900 down

with a nine percent fixed-rate mortgage.

Our currency stock is insufficient.

Incorrect. You have been working. I have been saving.

Ah, I praise you, earthwoman.

- (rumbling) - (cries out)

My pluvarb has broken. The birth spasm has begun.

Nothing to this. Childbirth is a gentle act of nature.

We'll get plenty of good pictures.

I hate you, Beldar. I hate you!

(screams)

(crunch)

(screams)

Two, three...

Swab.

(screams)

- Breathe easy. - One good push.

(screams)

(baby cries)

It's so cute!

Would you like to cut the umbilical cord, Mr Conehead?

(chomp)

No. No hair. Bring the top of the head up higher.

No, higher, like a point.

We have the analysis from the labs on the card found at the dwelling.

No known language within the foreign catalogue nationality encodes.

You're not listening to me.

Look, here. See where my hand is? That high. What else?

The Mardi Gras costumes

contain fibres with five unknown polymer strands.

Nothing like it anywhere.

What are they saying? They're from another planet?

That theory has been advanced.

This is big. This is really big.

Aren't creatures from another planet Air Force responsibility?

If they're just visiting, sure.

But the moment they try to work here, they're mine.

- Any sign? - No, sir. Nothing yet.

Wait.

- Subject vehicle coming your way. - Copy. I have him in sight.

- Go? - No.

- Go? - No.

- Now? - Go!

(sirens)

Freeze!

This isn't him! What's going on here?

- Look. - Where'd you get this key chain?

It's a gift, from one of the finest men I've ever known.

- Where is he now? - He moved out a week ago.

I have no word from him.

I only wish I had more drivers like him.

Diligent, punctual, his cab invariably sweet smelling.

- Take him in and check him out. - Check him.

Find this insignia, find these illegals.

Hi, there. I'll take that. Thank you.

Sir, good news from Washington. Your promotion came through.

They must've loved your electrified-border idea.

On-site Field Enforcement Head for the entire Southwest.

Assistant Deputy Commissioner.

That should pay quite a bit more.

It's an extra 1,500 a year. Of course I'll take it.

Question. About this De Cicco case. We've invested so many man-hours.

Who cares? Let the next guy handle it.

# When I think back on all the crap I learned in high school

# It's a wonder I can think at all

# And though my lack of education hasn't hurt me none

# I can read the writing on the wall

# Kodachrome

# They give us those nice bright colours

# They give us the greens of summers

# Makes you think all the world's a sunny day, oh, yeah

# I got a Nikon camera

# I love to take a photograph

# So, Mama, don't take my Kodachrome away

# If you took all the girls I knew when I was single

# And brought 'em all together for one night

# I know they'd never match my sweet imagination

# And everything looks worse in black and white

# Kodachrome

# They give us those nice bright colours

# They give us the greens of summers

# Makes you think all the world's a sunny day, oh, yeah

# I got a Nikon camera

# I love to take a photograph

# So, Mama, don't take my Kodachrome away...

(hums)

Morning consumption of mass quantities.

Grid-like breakfast slabs, seared strips of swine flesh

and flat chicken embryos. I will enjoy it.

A seven-letter word for a tomb in ancient Egypt

which has smooth, sloping sides meeting in an apex?

A flindar.

- Good morning, parental units. - Dawn greetings.

What would you like?

Pop Tarts? Chicken embryos? Ground animal flesh?

I'm not hungry. Just some Tang.

Tang. The drink the astronauts took to the moon.

Astronauts to the moon. (laughs)

Your putter has arrived.

My Hawk True Flex Power Point with graphite shaft.

A secret of golf pros everywhere. A truly manly putter.

- What have you done to your cone? - Nothing.

No? Turn around.

- It's not a real tattoo. - Mebs! Unacceptable!

Everyone's wearing decals.

If everyone jumped into a cauldron, would you?

I am not a little Cone now.

Maintain low tones with me. Go to the hygienic chamber and remove it.

Also, you have too much lip enhancement.

Mom! My make-up looks OK, doesn't it?

Do not involve the approval of your other parental unit.

If you wish to go to the retail compound,

make the necessary corrections and remove the decal.

Fine.

Beldar!

She looked like a common flathrag on payday.

I don't know what went wrong with these roses.

Maybe I need a gardener.

Sweetie, I'm not gonna pay some guy to dig in the dirt.

I told you to take that thing to a professional. You'll save money.

I should've bought an electric one.

Beldar, is that you?

- Correct. - Bel. Pry.

The damn lawnmower won't start. You're so good with machinery.

- Would you mind taking a look? - I do not mind.

Greetings, Lisa. Excellent crop of decorative growth.

- You're being nice. - Yes.

Three-horsepower internal-combustion chlorophyll-stalk slicer.

- There is fuel in the device? - Plenty.

I just can't get the damn thing to kick over.

Join us for consumption of mass quantities this weekend.

We'll ignite our flame pit and char mammal flesh.

Sounds fun. I'll make some coleslaw.

Coleslaw? We will enjoy it.

(engine starts)

Thanks, Bels.

Connie! How are you?

- I love your hat. - Hi, Mr Conehead.

(girls all shout at once)

I love this song!

# Sometimes I feel I've got to run away

# I've got to get away from the pain

# You drive into the heart of me

# The love we shared...

- Sorry, it's not ready. - I do not understand.

I have returned at the agreed-upon time coordinates.

- I'm very sorry, Mr Conhead. - The name is Conehead.

Well, look, Mr... Conehead, we got a little backed up

and it took longer than expected.

Unacceptable. You delayed my departure from here,

and all the events which were to follow. Why this deception?

I don't know who you are or where you're from...

France. We come from France.

Fine. The point is, it'll be ready when it's ready.

So if you wanna take a seat over there,

we'll call you when your car's finished.

I will comply. What choice do I have?

It's as if you have seized me at the base of my snarglies.

- Hey, Ronnie? - What?

How can it take so long to do a simple alignment on a sedan

with standard steering

when your garage is equipped with a digital hydraulic radiometer?

Maybe cos I was out back finishing a beer.

OK.

Before we can recommend your appointment as Commissioner,

we have questions regarding your tenure as District Chief.

Senator, that was long ago, and a busy office.

I won't be able to recall everything.

We won't be asking you about everything. Just case 889343B.

The so-called De...

- De Cicco. - De Cicco file.

Yes, I do remember that case.

In an unsuccessful pursuit, you authorised the expenditure

of $250,000 to apprehend what you believed

was an illegal alien from another planet. A spaceman.

Excuse me.

Actually, I never said on the record that I thought they were spacemen.

And the case is still open.

I feel that when we make this apprehension,

the expense will be well justified... is what I feel.

My appointment is being held up by that De Cicco case!

I know.

I want the file put back into the system, flagged red.

- Why me? - I don't know.

The system screws the guy that works the hardest.

- Politicians don't care. - It's the system.

- Phone's ringing. - All the time.

- No, Eli. - Oh, the phone! I'll get it.

This guy's out there somewhere. He's gonna make a mistake.

And when he does, we'll nail him.

I've never dated a girl taller than me before.

Really? I've always been tall.

Are both your parents from Europe?

Uh-huh.

- When did they come to America? - Before I was born.

My grandfather's from the old country.

Really? Which one?

I'm not sure. One of the big ones.

Oh.

Gee!

Wow!

My mom's the only other woman I've ever known

who could take a sandwich like that.

- Are you gonna eat that? - No. No.

You're something special, you know that?

So Beldar's giving this woman beginner's driving lessons

for the fifth time, huh? That's interesting.

Why is that interesting?

I mean, the same woman. Think about it.

The same woman.

The more you think about it, the more you probably should worry,

because all men are pigs.

Pigs. A domesticated cloven-hoofed vertebrate

that defecates in the same place it consumes.

Exactly. You should be very careful with Beldar.

He's got that Continental accent that some women find irresistible.

(screams)

(laughs)

I like it when you watch me drive.

Whoops!

- (man outside car) Watch it, lady! - It's funny.

It's like you've been instructing me all my life.

Yes.

It's almost as if you've controlled me completely.

(tearful) I just don't think I'm ready for this test yet. I can't...

Oh, listen to me.

I'm OK.

I'm just human.

And, erm, weak.

Gladys, look at me.

Oh, yeah!

I am your teacher. It is natural you harbour certain feelings for me.

But you must understand, nothing can come of this.

58 US dollars, please.

You are one of the finest men I've ever met.

When my species rules this planet,

your name will be on the protected rolls. You will come to no harm.

You are wise. But there's a sadness to your wisdom.

Ronnie, don't.

Please.

Connie, I told you how I feel about you.

- Doesn't that mean anything? - It means a lot.

It's like, I pick you up, I take you out,

I bring you home, we say goodnight

and you never kiss me. Is there something wrong with me?

Of course not.

It's just...

My parental units...

We've never been really affectionate.

I'm afraid I don't know how.

It's easy.

All you do is lean forward and kiss, like this.

(suction noise)

(pop)

(breathes heavily)

Ronnie, don't.

- Ronnie, I am not ready. - Oh, you're ready!

Don't.

Ronnie!

(coughs)

Greetings.

How was your date with Ronnie?

(sighs) Daddy was right. Earth boys only care about one thing.

- Ronnie behaved like a flairndep? - Flairndep?

An uninvited grasper of Cone. A masher. A hustler.

Flairndep?

(tyres screech)

Hi, Mr Conehead.

- I find you unacceptable! - Yes, sir.

If I did not fear incarceration, I would terminate your life functions

by applying pressure to your blunt skull to cause its collapse!

Thank you.

Do not worry about Ronnie.

You will not see him in the Laurel Hills quadrant again.

I can't believe you did that. You've ruined my life!

Young one, when we return to Remulak...

I don't care about Remulak!

That stupid starcruiser is never coming, anyway!

But she said... I thought...

I will attend to the young one.

(knocking on door)

Come in.

I read in a magazine you can talk to me about anything.

Mom?

What does it feel like to... hone?

Well, for me, the first time,

it happened so fast, I hardly knew I had honed at all.

After that it was more repetition than anything else.

Oh, my young one, your cone is changing and you feel unsure.

How would you know what it's like?

You've been married to Daddy for so long.

I was a young Cone myself, once.

Before I met Beldar, I was attracted to a Thorasian forger.

As far as I was concerned, no other life force in the universe mattered.

But then he got a job working at a volcano complex on a moon.

I never saw him again. It broke my blood-valve chamber.

I got over it.

It worked out for the best, because then I met your father.

I knew then that I had found my true life mate.

I love you, Mom.

The currents of chromo-bonding

between you and your parental units are infinite.

Mebs!

Good shot.

So, have you given any thought to what I said about, you know, hair?

I do not understand.

It's me. You don't have to pretend it doesn't bother you.

You're young. No reason for you to be skinny up top.

I'll let you in on a secret. It's not all my own hair.

- Hard to tell, isn't it? - Only from very high altitudes.

I'll say no more. Think it over.

- I can introduce you to my man. - Thank you.

Mr Conehead!

Way to blast out of the bunker, huh?

It's me, Ronnie!

Hope you didn't cut your hand when you tore open my car! I'm fine!

Yes, thank you! No problem! Goodbye!

- OK. - Chubby, come on!

OK, Conehead. That puts me four behind you at the turn.

Correct.

Mr Conehead, I'm miserable. I feel so bad for what I did.

It feels like somebody's ripping my guts out. She won't take my calls.

Hey, kid, I'm not paying you to yak. Buddy?

What's with the head?

Forget him. He's not a member.

That concludes the one-metre competition.

Next, the three-metre-board category.

First diver for the home team, Connie Conehead.

A one-and-a-half flip.

Enter the water with as little splash as possible.

(cheering)

Good girl. Keep it up. You've got one more dive.

Diving for Union High, Gale Jenson.

You were great. I'm sorry about the other night.

I was a real jerk! OK?

Connie's our best hope for the state finals.

Correct. We believe this also.

I don't think I've ever seen you at any of the parent meetings.

What committees are you on?

We still need volunteers for the homecoming gala.

- Home... - Coming...

Hi.

Look, I'm sorry if I...

No. I shouldn't have been so...

It was me. Sometimes I just...

Me, too. Me, too.

- If I thought I did anything... - No, you didn't.

- I mean it. - Seriously?

Yeah.

Wow! I'm glad we talked.

Parents and students, if you direct your attention

to the sky, you will be treated to a display of amateur fireworks,

courtesy of Beldar Conehead, father of Connie Conehead.

Careful there, Conehead.

(crowd groans)

Pretty cheap, Conehead.

(crowd gasps)

(cheering)

Cigar?

Is the light keeping you awake?

No.

Your breathing has become erratic. A torg for your thoughts.

Beldar, are you content with me?

Of course. Why would I not be?

Now, I would like to enter my slar phase.

Let us suppose my life functions ceased.

- What would you do? - Incinerate your carcass

in the tradition of Ovahdar the Obtuse

and put it in a clean, dry place.

Would you find a new geneto-mate

to bring to our guz chamber and propagate?

Ah, my most precious one, I would collapse.

I would draw the shades and live in the dark.

I would never leave my slar pad.

My fluids would coagulate, my cone would shrivel and I would die,

miserable and Ionely. The stench would be great.

Beldar, you have made me very happy.

Yes, I know. Goodnight.

Life on earth is good.

I agree. Stability and contentment have been achieved.

(both snore loudly)

Lay by and put about. Lay by and put about.

Return to your port of embarkation.

There is no work for you in the United States.

You have no job skills, you will be a drag on our economy.

We appreciate your situation but we have problems of our own.

- Thank you. - Phone, sir.

Seedling here.

A fax came through on the secure channel.

I think we've found him.

Don't toy with me. This time it had better be real.

Hello, Mrs Conehead. I've been meaning to talk to you

about the Christmas-tree-lighting ceremony.

We've found someone else to head up that committee

and won't need Mr Conehead's services after all.

- If you could thank him for me. - He will be disappointed.

I'm telling you, Bels, you could win that trophy this year.

A meaningless piece of metal and wood. I compete only with myself.

I appreciate the game for its physics, skill,

its self-control and, of course, spirituality.

You're full of it.

You're only coming to the ball

because you think you got a shot at winning that trophy.

Negative. But if I should win,

I would accept it with limited enthusiasm.

- Ron. Harv. - What's happening?

What are you wearing to the Hallowe'en dance?

I am not about to tell you, Harv.

"Consume alco-beverage. Come get me!"

Ah, mai tai! I will enjoy it.

# We got a thing

# Going on

# We both know that it's wrong

Greetings, earthman.

(laughs nervously)

It is good to hone in places

other than our guz chamber before slar phase.

Who said?

Good Housekeeping.

(meows like a cat)

(slurps)

# Holding hands

(cat-like sounds)

- What are they doing? - It's like they stepped on a cat.

(phone rings)

- Comdec three. - Commissioner Seedling.

- We're on 'em. - Don't make a move without me.

I understand. We won't move until you get here.

Greetings.

Hello. We just stopped by to introduce ourselves.

- We're Jehovah's Witnesses. - How do you do? I am Beldar.

We attend the Kingdom Hall on Cove Neck Road.

Near the dry cleaner's and the 7-Eleven.

Exactly. May we ask you a question?

Proceed.

Is the world headed towards a calamity?

Definitely. I have direct personal knowledge that this is so.

- Great. May we come in? - Of course.

Enter. Assume comfort.

- My mate, Prymaat. - Greetings. Be seated.

So, what do you know of the doom awaiting this planet?

As Witnesses, we believe the end of the world is approaching

and that only 144,000 people will be saved to reign.

I do not believe it will be that many.

The Bible clearly states 144,000 will be saved to reign.

Very optimistic, considering the primitive weapons

the earth people have.

Some earth weapons are not useless.

Mebs, drop it.

Well, when the time comes,

no weapon of this earth shall avail mankind.

(both) Correct.

- Where are you people from? - France. We come from France.

But we are American citizens now.

- Do you have proof? - Proof?

Christina's giving me a ride to the dance, so I'll see you there.

I take it your daughter was born here.

Yes. She is native to your plan... Er, country.

Et vous le parlez encore ici en Amerique?

Oui. Mais c'est difficile a pratiquer dans cette ville.

Il n'y a pas beaucoup de Francais continentales ici au New Jersey.

- Et vous aussi? - Oui.

Je le parle souvent avec mes amis francophones.

(buzzing)

Mangez-vous des cuisses de grenouille?

Oui.

Il y a un restaurant. Connaissez-vous Le Grenier?

(from speaker) Scarlab. Modtrubuim. Beldar. Scarlab.

(screams)

Beldar? Phone for you.

I will return their call at my earliest convenience.

No, Beldar, the big phone!

The big phone?

(yells)

I hope you humans have enjoyed your visit. Come again.

- You are leaving. - How did you arrive in the US?

Thank you for coming.

They didn't buy it.

You can't talk religion with some people.

(rock music)

Connie!

Ronnie's giving me a ride home tonight, so I won't need a ride.

Negative, young lady. We must speak now. It is imperative.

I have good news, my young one.

Our rescue vessel from Remulak is coming tonight.

What?

You will finally see the joys of your home planet.

- I must tell Ronnie. - Irrational. You will tell no one.

What if I said I don't want to go?

Oh, my infinitely valuable incarnation.

Watching you grow up on this savage planet has caused me pain.

Your optic receptacles have never seen the peaks of Aardsnaap,

the Crater of Culdroth, the Mergziod Labyrinth.

I know, and I'm sure it's all great.

And I know that you don't believe me,

but I'm in love with Ronnie.

(groans)

Daddy, if you really care, you'll let me say goodbye to him.

Although my blood valve weighs heavily with your feelings,

tonight we must remain together.

You're moving away tonight?

When you get the call to be the President of France's driver,

you gotta go.

I have to tell you something really important.

- What is it? - Not here. We have to be alone.

Alright!

The awarding of the club's Golfer of the Year trophy...

Not so fast, Carl.

..for most-improved handicap through the season. The winner is

Beldar Conehead!

(cheering)

The daughter and boyfriend are on the move.

Ronnie?

Before we do anything at all, there's something I have to say.

I'm different from other girls.

I know. That's why I love you.

Oh, Ronnie.

She left because something has corrupted her judgement.

When we get back to Remulak, I am grounding her for a zerl!

(Beldar yells)

Senso-rings? Where did you get those?

Under your bed.

Unacceptable! Your cone is too young!

Get up! You're coming to Remulak now!

I am staying with Ronnie!

Maintain low tones. Impossible. Undesirable. Inadvisable.

Then I'm coming with you. I love you.

(sirens)

Mebs! Human authority figures.

We must egress immediately.

It's over, Conehead. This is the INS.

Come out with your hands up. You're under arrest.

They're going for it!

(sirens)

- Cover him. - Hold it right there!

- It's the boyfriend. - It's the boyfriend.

Beldar!

Daddy!

Nice manoeuvre, but it's all over, Conehead.

Beldar, I think that is the Jehovah's Witness.

Let's cover him.

(both cry out)

(rumbling)

(sighs)

Hold on, everybody.

I love you, Ronnie!

I love you!

- Back in the car, asshole. - Connie!

Gorman, let go!

Gorman, I'm scared!

You're not getting away this time. You're surrounded.

Put the car down!

This is the Captain.

Get into the formplat. We will initiate mentaglion surge

once we go past the only moon on this planet.

(rumbling)

No problem. We have successfully passed their moon

and are preparing now for mentaglion surge.

(pants)

Remulak!

(pants)

Vlenglariat pla, Highmaster. I know every Cone is allowed

but four uses of the Bitumius pleasure spool, and I partook six.

I realise the error of these actions. They will never be repeated.

I throw myself at your mertex. Fairnob, smerthail.

Smordit.

I realise the pleasure spools are a difficult temptation to resist.

Therefore, you will knarftle the garthok!

(excited chatter)

No!

Fuel Survey Underlord Beldar Florhone, and Marlax Zehemsto,

from Protoid Fuel Administration.

Gemgleb, om klath, Marlax im Beldar.

Beldar, survivor of the wilderness planet.

What do you bring me from the conquered worldlet?

Greetings, Revered One.

I present the gift of two living native beings from the planet.

(crowd gasps in horror)

Do what you want to me, but I won't apologise for doing my job.

The USA cannot solve the employment problems of the universe.

Silence the slave!

Delightful. They will make a fitting sacrifice to Krathnor.

What else did you bring me?

A multitude of gifts from the blunt skulls.

A tyre iron with four-way lug wrench.

(crowd gasps)

An owner's manual for a Ford Lincoln Mercury Sable.

Ford Lincoln Mercury Sable?

A personal conveyance, named for its inventor,

a mythical character, and a small mammal.

And a dashboard icon.

- Is this all? - Certainly not.

Some... chewing gum.

(sniffs)

I am sporfed. More than sporfed. Flarged by this!

Kremnots. Beldar.

Come close.

Close.

What have you done to your face portal?

Eh?

Your trelgs!

Beldar lived among the blunt heads so long,

he had to adapt to survive. He offered his trelgs.

It is known as dental bonding.

I do not care what the blunt skulls call it.

- Here, it is known as treason. - Treason?

It is at my discretion to settle things in the ancient ways.

Therefore, Beldar, you will knarftle the garthok!

(excited chatter)

I am no traitor!

What's a garthok?

Every zerl since the ancient times, when the three moons align,

the light causes a garthok to emerge.

A-ha.

So, what's a garthok?

Our seats used to be way up in the back. These are much better.

(crowd gasps)

(cheering)

(roars)

That is a garthok?

You can really see it from this vantage. These are very good seats.

It is time.

I am Lagtar, disgraced guardsman, prepared to fight for my honour.

(screaming / chomping)

(garthok spits)

These are great seats.

I have learnt much from watching the garthok battle.

It has weaknesses. When my turn comes, I believe I can take him.

Uh-huh? And let me know when Elvis gets here.

You're next.

(screaming)

(gasps)

This is a first for me.

- You are next. - No, he is next.

- No. He said you are next. - He is next.

You were ahead of me in court.

That was then. This is now. No, guard, no!

(screaming)

You are next.

Daddy!

(roars)

(roars)

(screams)

# Sometimes I feel I want to, ehh-ehh, run away

# I want to, ehh-ehh, get away

# From the pain...

- It's a song. - Big hit on earth.

# Ehh-ehh, heart of me

Mebs.

(growls)

(roars)

(gasps)

(chokes)

(crowd cheers)

(roars)

The day is yours, Beldar.

You have knarftled the garthok. Therefore, a request may be granted.

- I have such a request. - Speak freely.

That I be permitted to return to earth.

And, upon my return, I will conquer the planet earth

and enslave the blunt skulls in the name of my Cone heritage.

(cheering)

Request granted.

I wish to take the earth slaves with me.

Narg! You may only take one slave.

Then I take Seedling, the one with higher office.

- Thank you. - So be it!

Welgrub.

Let it be written...

Are you writing this?

..that Beldar shall return to the humo-carb planet,

to conquer the blunt skulls!

This is my festival. Yet I speak and they do not hear.

No one listens.

They do not realise the difficulties of my office.

Power is not easy.

I sit in judgement and rule. That is all there is for me.

- You have no interior life. - Highmaster.

Why don't you let me take care of that? He's having a tough day.

Omglath.

Krathnor. Attention all battle-unit commanders.

Entering outer atmospheres of target planet.

Hold your global-ranging positions.

Array mesoton cannon. Stand ready for my attack order.

The starfleet has entered the earth's atmosphere.

They've entered the earth's atmosphere.

- The moment of glory is upon us. - Really big day for you, sir.

Arm cannon. Verify global targets.

Hold weapons release until my order.

Warning! Danger to battlefleet.

Enemy laser gun in satellites detected.

Proceed to secondary target.

Lorbsleb. Warning! Warning!

Danger to battlefleet!

- Lorbsleb! - Lorbsleb!

Quickly, my family. Run!

Your happiness and positive perception of me

is vital to my existence. Besides, it is not every day

a father can give the world to his child.

I love you, Daddy.

Whoa!

Beldar's life functions have ceased.

The earth weapons have silenced him.

He died bravely in battle. No death is more glorious.

He will be missed.

- He will walk with the chosen. - Super guy.

I make this proposal to you. Your life in exchange for a green card.

Agreed, if you demonstrate a job skill that no US citizen possesses.

That is no challenge to me.

- I have no objection. - Good. Move.

(doorbell)

Good evening, Mr Conehead. Mrs Conehead.

Good evening, Ronnie. Welcome. Enter.

You look handsome yet uncomfortable in your pubescent ceremonial garb.

- Yeah. You mean my tux? - Correct.

Connie is doing her beautification ritual. I will summon her.

Ronnie, may I have 55 words with you?

The statistics of young earthlings

mangling themselves in cars on prom night

makes me insist on maximum safety awareness.

Return at the predesignated time coordinates, and take my car.

Its reinforced alloy superstructure is far superior

to that of your rusted-out shit box.

Gee, thanks, Mr Conehead.

Hi, Ronnie. Hi, Daddy.

# You're just too good to be true

# Can't take my eyes off of you

# You feel like heaven to touch

- This is for you. - Thanks.

# At long last, love has arrived

# I thank God I'm alive

Present yourselves for image emulsification.

# Can't take my eyes off of you

Say "lactate extract of hoofed mammals".

(both) Cheese!

Excellent.

# The thought of you leaves me weak

Goodnight, Mr and Mrs Conehead.

- Goodnight. - Goodnight.

Night.

# Please let me know that it's real

# You're just too good to be true

- Ah, memories! - We will enjoy them.

# I love you, baby

# And if it's quite alright

# I need you, baby

# To warm the lonely night

# I love you, baby

# Trust in me when I say

# Oh, pretty baby

# Don't bring me down, I pray

# Oh, pretty baby

# Now that I found you, stay

# And let me love you, baby

# Let me love you

# You're just too good to be true

# Can't take my eyes off of you

# You feel like heaven to touch

# I want to hold you so much

# At long last, love has arrived

# I thank God I'm alive

# You're just too good to be true

# Can't take my eyes off of you

# I love you, baby

# And if it's quite alright

# I need you, baby

# To warm the lonely night

# I love you, baby

# Trust in me when I say

# Oh, pretty baby

# Don't bring me down, I pray

# Oh, pretty baby

# Now that I've found you, stay

# Oh, pretty baby

# Trust in me when I say

# I need you, baby

# Why won't you come my way?

# Oh, pretty baby

# Now that I've found you, stay

# Let me love you, baby

# Let me love you

# Prymaat, you are my Conehead mate

# But, Beldar, we share this human state

# Well beyond our own dimension

# Not our designed intention

# Prymaat, your cone is shimmering in the light

# Beldar, apply the senso-rings tonight

# Don't want to hone my cone alone

# You don't have to hone your cone alone

# Could never hone my cone alone

# You'll never have to hone your cone alone

# The senso-rings revolving

# Are the measure of things evolving

# The moons of Mipzor are glistening

# The planets of love are listening

# I'll never understand this planet

# The way these humans love to grab it

# I much prefer the senso-rings

# And all the timeless joy they bring

# My Conehead love is interstellar

# Oppenheimer, Edward Teller

# Our home on Remulak is distant

# My cone control has low resistance

# Don't want to hone my cone alone

# You don't have to hone your cone alone

# Could never hone my cone alone

# You'll never have to hone your cone alone

# The senso-rings revolving

# Are the measure of things evolving...

(ENGLISH SDH)