Original subtitles

Gott im Himmel!

I knew it. Those damn cannibals have taken Schmidt!

See? Look there, a blood trail!

- Das ist blud. - Armer Schmidt.

So let's follow it und kill those savages!

Are you quite insane?

There could be scores of them,

hundreds, even!

Ja, with sticks und stones.

Ja, and maybe poison arrows!

- Schweinhunden! - Mein Gott!

We need reinforcements. Schneider!

Luckily, there is a Kriegsmarine transport nearb,

heading for Nauru.

Hallo? Hallo!

Agent Fucs der Abwehr hie.

Ich muss mit deinm Kapitaen spreche.

With a bit of luck, soon we will have

a platoon of marine Sturmtruppen.

Sturmtruppe?

Damn it!

Wait, what are Sturmtruppen?

It means stormtroopers.

- Aw, crap. - Yeah, that doesn't sound good.

- Well, it is a cognate. - What?

Cognate. Those are words with a common etymological origin.

Not the word, Poindexter,

the fact that there's a thing called that.

Yeah, and how many guys in a platoon?

- Like, 40! - Wait, were you in the army?

- Army Air Corps. - Hmm.

Well, that doesn't do us much good.

Hey, neither does your missing arm.

- Hey! - But if my almost

totally nonexistent understanding

of military history is correct...

- Why would... - Noah, shut up.

Then I'm pretty sure we can expect several waves of attacks,

wherein the attackers will steadily increase

in both number and in skill

until we face a final, climactic attack

by a sort of ueber-attacker, a boss, if you will.

- Translate that. - Uh,

boroka handiak, boroka "boss"

Mm.

Wait, was that it, or...

- Broad strokes. - Huh. Well, now tell him

we need to build a network of defenses

out of whatever's on hand

while also training everybody... The men, the women,

these nubile teenage girls I really hope are at least 18,

maybe some of the chubbier kids,

I mean everybody, all of them... To fight.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Zuri gotiak boroka.

Boroka dugu. Zenbat ordo?

Um, uh, so they're eager to fight,

and how much time do we have?

- Just a couple hours! - Seriously?

Yeah, so obviously, we're gonna have

to montage the shit out of this thing.

Will you tell him what a montage is?

Yeah, I don't think "montage" would translate.

They... they don't really have a strong filmic tradition.

And whose fault is that, Noah?

- Well, I mean... - Jesus, you are the fucking worst.

*ARCHER (2009) Season 02 Episode 09

Episode Title: "Danger Island: Comparative Wickedness of Civilized and Unenlightened Peoples"

Yeah. So, lf we've firmed up that training and preparation

and then sort of cut it down to just the good parts

and set that to some bouncy music,

that would've been a montage.

I honestly wouldn't even know where to start.

Try Eisenstein, you asshole!

All right, let's see what we got!

Kusta dugu!

Um, okay!

Good job, I guess!

Ona gudari!

Good-looking tiger trap, ladies!

Ona trampak!

Don't forget to smear those stakes with feces!

Poo-poo! Poo-poo!

Oh, come on.

- What? - Hat's what they call it.

Oh, man. Thanks, tribal elders!

Ona zahara!

Uh-oh, what are Nazi Laurel and Hardy up to?

Wow, literally another fine mess.

Hmm, that's not gonna translate.

I mean, A, it's sarcasm,

B, they're not gonna get the reference, and...

And C, shut up and...

Oh, my God, what's that big, crazy man-killing bastard?

Let's call it the widowmaker!

Well, that's also not gonna translate.

Noah, God damn it, if you don't...

Wait, where's my Chub Club?

Yeah, there they are!

Um...

that's okay.

Uh, shake it off

and get some more poison darts from Pam.

Pozo Pamu!

Aw, come on.

This bullshit is boring as balls.

Huh.

I wish to amend my previous statement.

Okay. All right, all right.

So, um, criticisms.

I think we maybe could've spent a little more time

practicing actual combat

and a little less making the Nazi logs,

but overall, great job, everybody!

Ona lanara!

Okay, Noah, tell the chief

the most important thing to remember is...

- Sterling? - Wh...

Mother?

What in the hell are you wearing?

I-I mean...

Master Coconut!

Pam, shut up. What are you doing here?

Well, we came to rescue...

The sacred idol!

- What? - Nuh-uh!

God damn it!

We're searching for the sacred idol!

What is wrong with you?

What's wrong with you?

And who the hell told you about...

Oh, you goddamn blabbermouth bird.

They already knew about it!

And they were gonna leave you in the quicksand

while they looked for it.

- What? - Nuh-uh!

Damn it, bird!

Are you... Mother, is that true?

You were just gonna let us die?

Oh, please, what do you think

we're doing here?

We came to rescue you

from these bloodthirsty cannibals.

Which...

- Oh. Yeah, no, they're cool. - Well...

Mother, this is the cannibal chief.

Chief, my lying and scheming mother.

Charmed, I'm sure.

So they're not cannibals?

Oh, no, they're totally cannibals,

but we've temporarily teamed up

to fight some Nazi stormtroopers.

- Wait, what? - Mon Dieu!

Stormtroopers?

- It's a cognate. - Noah!

Mua Mua: Kalua. Kalua. Kalua.

And what is happening right now?

Kalua.

What is kalua?

It means... goddess.

Wow!

Okay, that's embarrassing.

Tell them I'm not an actual goddess

but merely a direct descendant of, um,

who's-its, their god, um, what's-his-face.

No, no, no, no, no, they... they don't mean you.

They mean her.

- Oh, boy. - Zut alors.

Oh, for the love.

- Wow, that is embarrassing. - Oh, shut up.

I'll tell you what's embarrassing

is getting slaughtered by a bunch of Nazi stormtroopers,

so... can we all please focus, Noah?

Tell them to focus!

Uh...

uzuka, bita kuju.

Bita kuju!

Aww!

Well, on the bright side,

if you don't get murdered, maybe you can move here

and be worshipped as a goddess.

What mere mortal dare speak to Kalua?

Mm, okay.

Okay!

Listen up!

These savage cannibals have murdered

and by now, let's be honest,

probably eaten one of your Kameraden.

So we are going to destroy their village

and everyone in it,

men, women, and...

You there! What are you eating?

Well, did you bring enough for everyone?

Well, then what are you waiting for?

Pass them out!

- Now, any questions? - Umm...

It's just something we're doing.

I forget why.

And also, shut up.

Psst. Noah.

You told them to hold their fire

until the Krauts are in close, right?

- Mm-hmm. - And to fall back

when they start to get overrun?

- Mm-hmm. - And to...

Wait, what is wrong with you?

What, are you kidding? I'm scared!

Oh. Well, yeah, I mean, that's normal.

Uh, no, I think I'm scared-er than that!

Trust me, however scared you think you are, it's...

I pissed in my pants, man.

Still well within normal.

Nobody else pissed in their pants.

Well, but remember, they're not wearing pants.

- That's not... - Plus, there's no way

they can possibly imagine the unspeakable things

that modern firearms can do to the human body.

So... try not to get shot.

That's it? That's your advice?

That's really good advice!

Isn't this exciting?

What, being held against our will

while we get attacked by Nazis?

Or discovering the one culture on Earth

that lacks a basic knowledge of fermentation?

I don't know. I guess all of it.

Hmm, now, what have we here?

I could've found that stupid idol

and been halfway to New York by now!

Oh, no!

That idol's all mine, missy.

Yeah, well, we'll see about that.

Outta the way, Blimpkins!

Are you...

You are serious.

Hey, can you please tell him to move?

Who calls upon the almighty Kalua?

Yeah, that's not already old.

Your Almightiness, did I hear you say

you were hungry for oysters?

Yes!

Mortal, fetch me some bivalves.

Budge up, big un.

- What? - Back in a jiff!

Toodles!

Pam: Any sign of 'em?

No, because I don't have binocular vision!

I'm totally wasted here!

Me too! Well, not totally, but...

No, and stop that!

I should be in the air, like a reconnaissance plane.

Yeah, right, like you'd come back.

Wh... I came back! I'm here!

Yeah, nice decision tree, bird.

And where the hell'd you get that?

- Made it. - What? When?

I don't know. A minute ago.

Whatever's in these crazy bastards is, like...

really helping me focus.

It's poison.

So's booze.

What's up your dickhole?

I just... all these people put their trust in me,

and what if I fail them?

What if... What if I get them all killed?

I mean, they were gonna eat us, so...

That's a fair point.

Hey, you know, people eat birds all the time.

Why is that okay?

'Cause birds are delicious.

Well, you're probably not, but...

I bet I'm totally delicious.

Oh, please, you were born in the 18...

What the hell was that?

Mortar!

Fuchs: Fire!

My God, listen to that!

You can hear their women scream from here!

So I hope someone brought potatoes.

Whoo-hoo!

Fire!

Merde!

Doudou, devrions-nous courir?

Jésus, tu es le pire putain.

Nazi punks! Fuck off!

We gotta take out that mortar!

Yeah, but how?

I'm gonna charge it.

What?

What did you say?

No!

Fire!

Okay, Noah, you're gonna go back to the States,

and you're gonna tell Dad he was right,

and you're gonna take that job at...

At Uncle Mort's modeling agency,

and guess what.

You're just going to have to start

slathering tanning oil on Swedish bikini models.

That's it, I'm going for it!

- Mm-kay. - Good luck.

That's it?

- I mean... - I mean... - Sterling!

What are you doing running around?

The air's, like, 50% metal!

Well, exactly, and speaking of percentages,

you seem to have this whole thing pretty well in hand,

so I thought I'd just tootle off

and see if I can't find that pesky idol.

- Are you... - For us!

Me and you, 50/50!

- I... - He has partners, you know.

Oh, my God.

Well, if he wants to give you

half of his half, that's his business, but...

What half? What happened to thirdsies?

Yeah, what did happen to thirdsies?

Wait, since when was it thirdsies?

Oh, my God! First of all, we...

Wait, what are you drinking?

Apparently, it's some kind of beer

made from some jungle fruit these people chew into a paste

and then spit into these gourds to ferment.

It's a bit like a phlegm sangria.

Hmm. Is it good?

You know...

Son of a...

That was my only gourd!

Give me that! Wh-

What are you...

Nazi sons of bitches.

She took out the whole mortar team!

Wh... I was gonna do that!

Okay.

Yeah, right.

- Here, I think it's broken. - I...

And look, the natives are rallying!

Ja! Ja!

Schiesse diese Scheisse!

Schneider, radio the ship!

Tell them we need...

Well, a new Schneider, for one.

Batu baruka! Batu baruka!

Because I don't want to die in a hut,

defiled by Nazi stormtroopers!

Well, I can't die. I'm immortal.

But even though time is meaningless to me,

what is taking so long with these oysters?

Well, don't ask him,

'cause he sure as hell doesn't have any.

- Meaning? - He's a eunuch?

Oh, come on! He has no testicles!

Ew. And also, so?

So what do you think

these people use for oysters?

Uh, presumably oysters?

Balls.

Wait, what? Why would they eat...

Because they're cannibals.

Cannibals don't only eat people!

I'm sure they have... side salads!

You think he eats a lot of salad?

I think if I tell him to, he'll eat you.

I take your point.

Muh-muh-muh-muh.

Fall back! Fall back! Fall back!

Where the...

Noah! Noah?

Y-yeah?

What are you doing, Noah?

Oh, I-I'm hiding under this corpse.

- But otherwise... - I mean...

Well, then can you please tell them

to fall back so we can lure

these Nazi pukes into our killing zones?

Oh, yes, yes, of course.

Oh, now! Sorry.

Uh, atzera! Atzera!

Atzera! Batu baruka atzera!

And how do you say, "Get ready"?

Um...

- Noah? - Oh, no, sorry.

Kokatu. Kokatu.

- Thanks, idiot. - Yep!

Kokatu! Kokatu!

Kokatu! Kokatu!

They are retreating!

Attack! Attack!

Vorwaerts!

Kokatu! Kokatu! Kokatu!

What is that? What is he screaming?

"Here come the Krauts."

Ugh, finally.

They might have schnapps.

Yeah!

Aw, man, did you see that?

Yeah, that was the pits! Am I right?

- Eh. - Eh.

- Oh, whatever. - Shut up, bird.

Nein! Nein!

Was ist los? Was ist los?

It's working!

- Chief, it's working! - Mm.

Chief, you are a tough room.

Was machen wir?

Umgruppieren! Umgruppier...

Gott im Himm...

Rueckzug! Rueckzug!

Was ist...

Whoo! Chub Club!

That was the last of 'em!

Yeah! Take that, you Nazi bastards!

Well, don't just stand there and gawk.

Go loot their corpses for schnapps!

Huh.

Mua Mua: Dugu! Nik andu! Dugu! Nik and!

What are they chanting?

- Death to whites! - No offense!

- Death to whites! - No offense!

- Huh. - Yeah.

Again, they're super racist.

- But also weirdly polite. - Eh.

We showed those German bastards, eh?

What "we"? Where the hell were you?

Fighting! Those German bastards!

- Uh-huh. - Yeah, right.

I shot maybe ten German bastards.

Okay, well, as long as I get the credit

for the winning battle plan, I...

Victory is mine!

All hail Kalua!

Uh, you don't.

Huh?

Way to go, toothless old lady!

And now I think it's feast o'clock!

Hey, shouldn't we, um, go make sure

that guy's, like, dead or whatever?

No, dummy. Why do you think they call it the widowmaker?

Well, yeah, but you made that up.

Probably won't get credit for that either.

Teko! Besta! Teko! Besta!

Teko! Besta!

Whoo!

Oh, man, are feasts not the best?

Not this one. Don't eat that!

Come on, try it!

It tastes like chicken!

I don't eat chicken!

Yes! Finally! Oysters!

Oh, fun fact: even though they serve those

on oyster shells,

they're actually human testicles.

Ha!

Well, I mean, at this point...

you know?

- Oh, wait! - Oh, thank God.

Noah, how do you say "mignonette"?

Oh, it's the same. "Mignonette."

- Seriously? - What?

Yeah, it's a loanword.

Just the worst.

Synchronized by srjanapala

Made in Georgia.