Original subtitles

(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) Greetings, losers.

Bob has hit a new low.

I didn't think that was possible.

Let me finish.

Do you know who the biggest moron in

the world is?

I'm not gonna need any of my lifelines

to answer that.

It's my cousin Ralphie.

Till he was 28, he had to wear

a helmet around the house.

But I just found out the idiot made

two million bucks in the stock market.

Why do you care?

I care because he just bought a house

in the Hamptons and I'm stuck here with

you two in loser land.

You speak for yourself.

We're doing just fine.

Fine?

This is the colon of New York.

You're hawking papers and she's...

well, come on.

You know I'm depressed.

So I'm walking to work.

I don't get two blocks down the street

before this school of problems descends on me

like pigeons on a bag of popcorn.

I finally had to say, hey, I don't

give handouts.

I got a finger I'd like to give

you.

No one wants to hear about your petty

bourgeois problems.

Yeah, Becker, stuff a sock in it.

Why the hate?

Because I'm stuck in a dead-end job.

Hey, I'd give anything for a dead-end

job.

Oh, speaking of dead-end jobs, Red's coffee

to go, please.

Yeah, I used to have some self-esteem

once.

Wait a second.

Bob just came up with a way for

us to reverse the course of our miserable

lives.

Well, not all of us yet.

I can't work miracles.

Why don't we invest in the market?

Because we know nothing about the market.

Hey, we know less than nothing.

Come on, if my helmet-head cousin can

do it, how tough could it be?

We pick a hot stock, clench our butt

cheeks and pray for a winner.

Isn't that the Merrill Lynch slogan?

And why would we do this with you?

Because if I hit it big, it'll kill

you that you didn't get in on it.

He's right, it would kill me.

All right, I'm in.

To add the final nail in the coffin

I call my life, me too.

How about you, Doc?

You want to kick it a couple of

bucks?

Bob, I don't give handouts, but I got

a finger.

All right, all right.

Just thought you might want to make a

little cash.

Who knows, maybe buy yourself a new shirt.

I can't read this word on Mr. Pearson's

chart.

What does it say?

Hoagies?

It's herpes.

Mr. Pearson has herpes?

Mr. Pearson, you can go back to room

two.

There's only one patient ahead of you.

Listen, how much longer is this going to

take?

Because when I told my boss I needed

a long lunch to get a checkup, he

nearly had a cow.

But my wife Lorraine's been on my ass

to do this, even though I keep telling

her, Lorraine, I'm fine.

If I go to the doctor, he's just

going to find something.

But does she back off?

Say ah.

Ah, hell no.

And I feel great.

Usual middle-aged crap, aches, pains, a little

heartburn, but a pill and a burp and

I'm fine.

I mean, nothing personal, but the best way

to stay healthy is don't go near doctors.

And hospitals forget about it.

Go in for a cough, they carry out

in a body bag.

Take a deep breath, please, and hold it.

Hold it?

Yeah, I need a moment to hear myself

think.

Yeah, I know.

I talk a lot, but...

What?

What's wrong?

I hear a whooshing sound.

Yeah, sounds like it's coming from a blood

vessel.

You know something, it's probably not serious, but

I'd like to get an MRI to check

it out.

I knew it.

Doctors always find something.

Damn, Lorraine.

Look, I gotta go back to work.

I'll get the test next week or something.

I mean, you said it's not serious, right?

Probably not, but I'd like to check it

out just to be sure.

Tell you what, my nurse will set it

up for you right now and you can

go straight over to the hospital.

Now?

Yeah, now.

What is it?

I don't believe it.

This guy has a disease called Asperger's.

That's Asperger's.

Well, it's funnier if you say Asperger's.

It's not funny at all.

It's a serious behavioral disability.

Dr. Becker had to send that patient to

a specialist downtown.

So the guy had Asperger's to go?

Margaret, did the radiologist call for results to

Mr. DeAndre's MRI?

No, I called over there.

He's still waiting to take the test.

They're really backed up.

Damn, you know, he's supposed to have that

test this morning.

Get on the phone and keep trying to

push it through, will you?

Asperger's.

Linda!

I know, I'm horrible.

I'll stop.

Good, because it may sound amusing, but it's

not.

Do you have any idea how many people

have Asperger's?

Probably over 50 billion served.

Okay, we're online, our account's set up, and

we're buying 50 shares of the computer chip

company, right?

Let's do it.

Okay.

No!

Not again.

Come on, Bob, you can't keep changing your

mind.

We checked this company out.

It's solid.

Yeah, but it's too high tech.

We should go the other way and find

something that appeals to the common, uneducated slob

on the street.

You have our attention.

Give me the post.

Aha, see?

Now this is what I'm talking about.

One-armed man marries three-breasted woman?

That's gonna be one busy man.

No, this.

Some company's making an IMAX movie on the

life of Jesus.

I spell a winner.

Who doesn't love Jesus?

I don't believe the Romans were too fond

of him.

I say we go with the computer company.

No, look, they're building a theater in Branson,

Missouri.

That's like Dollywood, but without the class.

I'm sick of arguing about this, all right?

Let's just pick a stock and get in.

Did I do what I think I just

did?

Yep.

Thanks to you, we just bought 50 shares

of some company called International Allied Industries.

What do they do?

I have no idea, but we own it.

Okay, we're in the stock market.

All right, this is cool.

What's it doing?

Nothing, it's just sitting there.

Don't screw with me.

Dr. Becker?

You're Dr. Becker?

Yeah.

What the hell's going on?

You're just sitting here drinking coffee?

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about your patient, Frank D'Andrea.

He comes to see you for a routine

checkup.

You ship him off to the hospital for

some test.

He's stuck up there waiting for hours.

Meanwhile, you're down here drinking coffee.

Is this how you treat people?

Aren't you guys supposed to be nice?

I'm sorry, doctor.

I left my halo in the car.

Father, they're just a little backed up around

here.

Well, that's not helping Frank, is it?

Where's your compassion?

The man's thinking he's really sick.

He's afraid to call his wife because he

doesn't want to alarm her.

Nobody will give him any information, so he

called me to see what I could come

over and find out.

Like I told Frank, until I see the

results of his MRI, there's nothing really to

talk about.

Oh, can't you doctors ever give anybody a

straight answer?

Look, I realize you priests are obliged to

come to the hospital and make your rounds,

so I tell you, why don't you just

leave your time card here?

I'll punch it, and then you can tell

God you were here.

You're always such a smartass.

You know, Father, I realize you're his priest,

but he's my patient, so I really don't

have to tell you a damn thing.

Yes, I know.

Well, without violating your professional ethics or interrupting

your coffee break, can you at least tell

me if you think it's something serious?

Yeah, it might be.

John, I apologize.

It's been crazy here today.

I've got D'Andrea's film.

We'll take a look at it.

At first, the MRI didn't seem to reveal

any abnormality.

It just looked like a black hole.

No, I know I heard something when I

examined him.

An AVM on the left side.

Dr. Becker!

That's why I ran an MR-angio.

You were right.

The vessel's lit up like a Christmas tree.

Nice catch, John.

Thanks.

Are you going to tell me what's going

on or not?

Look, I should really be talking to my

patient, but if you want me to waste

my time talking to you, fine.

Test show he has an arteriovenous malformation.

In English.

In English, Father, that means he has a

tangle of blood vessels in his brain that

could rupture at any moment unless we operate

immediately.

Now, if that's English enough for you, then

please excuse me.

I've been up all night.

I can't take the pressure.

As soon as the market opens, we've got

to sell.

Sell?

Our stock only dropped half a point yesterday.

Oh, sure.

That's easy for you to say.

I worked hard for that money.

Your mother gave you that money.

Hey, until you try to pry a buck

out of those arthritic fingers, you don't know

what work is.

Relax, Bob.

I'm going to tell you what's going on.

The company is solid.

I did some research.

It says right here, it's a multinational, vertically

integrated, cross-platform service conglomerate.

Yeah.

What does that mean?

It's multinational.

Mm-hmm.

And vertical.

Okay, the market's open.

Here we go.

Nineteen and a half.

We're up.

And you were worried.

Hold it.

It's down.

I knew it.

Sell it.

No, it just went up two points.

Oh, my God, I don't believe it.

We're on a roll.

I know.

If it keeps this up, my days of

schlepping food in this dump may soon be

over.

Can you imagine?

Get all new appliances, maybe fix the place

up, huh?

Fix it up?

I want to walk away from it and

leave it burning behind me.

Well, you will tell me when you do

that, won't you?

It's up another point.

I love this.

I'm sitting on my ass and making money.

All my dreams are coming true.

Well, not all of them.

You know, they say money is the greatest

aphrodisiac.

No, that's alcohol.

And trust me, there isn't enough of it

in the world.

Wait a minute.

What are you doing here?

Just came by to apologize for yesterday.

I didn't mean to...

Get in my face?

Not my intent, but again, if it came

off that way, I'm sorry.

Apology accepted.

Well, that's all I came by to say.

I'm going to the hospital.

Hey, Frank just went into surgery.

It's going to be several hours.

Dr. Levinson is an excellent neurosurgeon.

He's in good hands.

I know.

He's in God's hands.

Yeah, well, unless God went to Johns Hopkins,

I think I'll stick with Bob Levinson.

Whatever.

Wait a second.

Why do you guys always say that?

You know, in God's hands.

What does that really mean?

It gives people comfort.

Patients need to find meaning in what they're

going through.

What if there is no meaning?

What if it's all just random?

Random?

Well, God got him to you on time,

didn't he?

I wouldn't call that random.

Oh, come on.

Well, you don't think God looks out for

people?

Oh, please.

That's just a story you tell a kid

who's afraid of the dark.

Interesting.

With one swipe of your tongue, you just

reduced 2,000 years of faith to a

bedtime story.

You know, I happen to know a lot

of religious doctors.

I know a lot of alcoholic doctors.

It doesn't make heavy drinking a good idea.

Oh, come on.

Father, the guy comes in for a routine

physical.

The next day, he's having brain surgery.

You know, where's the meaning there?

I don't pretend to understand God's plan.

Plan?

What plan?

I mean, you hear these stories all the

time.

Some guy has it all.

You know, wife, kids, job.

Next thing you know, he walks out his

front door and God drops a piano on

his head.

You know, some plan.

Sounds more like premeditated murder to me.

I'm sure you don't want to collect your

thoughts and get back to me.

You know, maybe we shouldn't have this discussion.

Oh, please.

I've been a priest 30 years.

You're thinking of some form of I don't

believe I haven't heard?

Thinking I'm going to lift my skirts, jump

on that desk and scream, eek, an atheist?

Actually, I became an atheist.

I was raised agnostic.

Don't you believe in giving your patients hope?

I don't believe in giving them false hope.

What kind of hope did you give Frank?

Or did you just hit him with that

piano thing?

I told him that he should try not

to worry, that they've had a lot of

success with this procedure.

Wow, I'll bet that filled him with confidence.

So, what are his chances?

They're pretty good, actually.

You know, if all goes well, but it

doesn't always, you know?

He could have a hemorrhage during surgery.

He could stroke out, even die.

I've seen it happen before.

And then the family sits around in shock

because someone told them that God would take

care of their loved ones.

And then I'm stuck trying to explain why

God didn't come through.

Must be difficult.

You're damn right it is.

Would you like to talk about it?

Oh, boy.

Yeah, you know something, Father?

You work your side of the street.

I'll work mine.

You got it.

You know, you remind me of that old

joke.

You know what the difference is between doctors

and God?

God doesn't think he's a doctor.

Hey, you know, I got news for you.

If he comes out of surgery and the

first thing he sees is a priest, he's

not exactly going to be filled with confidence.

Oh, they are building you a condo in

hell, even as we speak.

Done and done.

We are now fully computerized.

Every single patient, up to and including that

guy with Asperger's.

Lindahl.

Oh, there's something wrong.

I can't get into the file.

That's because I changed the password.

Would you like to tell me the new

password?

I don't know.

What if it fell into the wrong hands?

It started in the wrong hands.

Well, okay, but you're not going to like

it.

Linda, what is the password?

Asperger's.

You got to admit, you'll never forget it.

Margaret, I'm going to take off early.

I want to get to the hospital before

Frank D'Andrea gets out of surgery.

Asperger's.

That is kind of funny.

Are you talking about Asperger's syndrome?

Is that what you're laughing at?

Margaret, I'm surprised you don't know.

That's a very serious illness.

Yeah, Margaret, really.

This world of high finance, it's just like

sex with my ex-wife.

You're up, you're down, you're in, you're out.

You're never quite sure when it's over, but

in the end you know it's going to

cost you money.

I can't listen.

I just can't listen to him anymore.

Just sell the damn stock.

Gladly.

Okay, Bob, you can stop crying.

We're out.

What a throwaway.

Let's see, less commission.

We've made a profit of $17.50 apiece.

I'm ahead $17.50?

Bob is hot.

Who wants to go to Atlantic City?

Three hour bus ride to watch you wet

yourself at a blackjack table?

Fine, I'll take Mom.

It'll be good for her to get a

little fresh air.

That reminds me, I have to change her

tank.

Well, so much for getting rich quick, huh?

Oh my God, that IMAX Jesus movie that

Bob wanted to invest in?

They got taken over by Disney.

Disney bought Jesus?

Yeah, and it just went up 28 points.

If Bob knew this, it would kill him.

I'll try to catch him.

Where's your God now?

It shouldn't be too much longer.

Dr. Levenson said he'd page me as soon

as Frank's out of surgery.

He might have been waiting here.

I've been with Frank's wife all afternoon.

And to tell you the truth, she's driving

me nuts.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I thought you people are supposed to like

everyone.

It's not always easy.

Tell me about it.

No, this is stupid.

We could at least have a conversation.

We could, as long as it's not about

religion.

You like sports?

Yeah, yeah, I like football.

Used to play a little in college.

Yeah, I like it too.

Every once in a while I go back

and catch the Harvard-Yale game.

Watch them kick their Yalie asses back to

New Haven.

I went to Yale.

Okay, new subject.

So you married?

Divorced twice?

That's a shocker.

Okay, new subject.

He does nice work, doesn't he?

I thought we weren't going to talk about

God.

We aren't.

Those came from Dr. Hilburn upstairs.

Well, I think maybe we should just go

back to sitting here quietly.

Works for me.

Although, I gotta say something.

You know, you're not just one of those

light a candle and run kind of priests.

I mean, you're really here for this guy.

You're helping his family.

You obviously care a lot.

Well, Frank's not just a member of my

parish.

He happens to be my brother.

Do you mean...

...like in a all-men-are-brothers kind

of way?

No, like in a we-had-the-same

-mother-and-father kind of way.

Oh, wow.

Oh, jeez, I feel like such a schmuck.

You know, you could have told me.

Would it have made any difference?

Yeah, I wouldn't have been so blunt about

his condition.

I would have lied a little bit so

you wouldn't have to be so worried.

That's what I figured.

So you tricked me?

Yeah, I needed to know the truth.

Oh, man.

You know, all this time we've been arguing,

you're worried about your brother.

Well, screaming at you helped me take my

mind off things.

I still feel like a schmuck.

That's okay.

I forgive you.

Like you have a choice.

It's Dr. Levinson.

I'll be right back.

It's Becker.

Thank you very much.

He's fine.

He's fine.

Surgery was a complete success.

No complications.

Prognosis is excellent.

Thank God.

And thank you.

Well, at least I got a mention.

Look, he's gonna be, uh, he's gonna be

in recovery for a while.

If you don't mind, I'm gonna go grab

a cigarette before I talk to his wife.

You'll need it.

Listen, do you mind if I join you?

You smoke?

No, it's the one vice they still allow

me.

That's interesting, Father.

Cigarettes kill you.

I wonder why God made them.

Yeah, yeah.

He works in mysterious ways.

Just shut up.

The Crane Brothers' grand opening of their swanky

new restaurant doesn't exactly go to plan in

a bit.

Maybe they should have started with something small,

like an ice cream stand.

Anyway, stay tuned for Frasier.

Thanks for watching.