Original subtitles

(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) Okay, here's the thing.

I was up all night with my friend

who got dumped by her boyfriend.

Yeah, how's that my problem?

Well, I didn't get any sleep.

All night long she was crying and sobbing

and moaning.

The only way I could calm her down

was to make her a coffee surprise.

That's two parts coffee, one part Jack Daniels.

Well, what's the surprise?

It's really five parts Jack Daniels.

So, I'm really sorry, Dr. Becker.

I'll get back to work.

I had a message written down for Margaret.

I can't seem to find it.

Was it to tell her that Mrs. Cooper

called?

Oh, my God.

It's like you read my mind.

Yeah, well, some are easier to read than

others.

Margaret, I have a message for you.

Is it that Mrs. Cooper called?

Wow, you people are freaky scary.

I won't tell her if you won't.

That's a deal.

All right, who's that?

There's a Mr. Orvis in one.

Orvis, who's that?

He's one of Dr. Heisman's patients.

So, what's he doing here?

Heisman's on vacation and you agreed to cover

for him.

Well, why did I do that?

So that one day you could go on

vacation.

I don't go on vacation.

Well, then you screwed yourself.

Mr. Orvis, I'm Dr. Becker.

How are you doing today?

I'll be honest with you, I'm a little

ticked off.

I'd rather see Dr. Heisman, but he's out

of town, so I'm stuck seeing you.

Well, he's on vacation, so...

And I gotta say, your nurse is kind

of curt.

You already kept me waiting here 15 minutes

and this office is a dump.

Hey, I'm not that late.

You wanna tell me why you're here, please?

I'm not so sure I want to.

Well, you must be here for a reason.

Look, my problem is of a sensitive nature.

I don't feel comfortable just blurting it out.

Would you like a little dinner dancing first?

You're a real charmer, aren't you?

I'm not the one who walked in here

and called my place a dump.

Excuse me, I'm upset.

I happen to have a little medical problem.

And I'm trying to find out what that

is.

Well, I'm not so sure we know each

other well enough for me to tell you.

Pain in the ass.

Okay, so you guessed.

Oh, uh, alright, well...

Drop your pants and I'll take a look.

Whoa, whoa, easy, Cindy.

What's the rush?

I'll tell you what, why don't you slip

into something a little more comfortable and, uh...

So will I.

What's that?

Oh, it's a little slow, so I thought

I'd borrow a magazine.

Borrow?

Don't worry, I'll put it back.

Okay.

Now, what was that?

What was what?

That sound.

I was just getting the magazine to lay

flat.

I can't believe it.

You're a spine breaker.

A spine breaker?

Yeah, you break the spines of magazines.

There's a name for that?

Yeah, in the magazine business, we have names

for all you people.

You got the spine breaker, the page creaser,

the finger licker, the thumb smudger.

Alright, alright, I'll put it back.

Jesus, never bothered you before.

Before?

Reg, you've done this before.

Magazines are like lovers.

I mean, nobody wants to think that somebody's

been there before them.

Well, when it comes to magazines, I'm just

a slut.

Fine, make fun.

What are you doing?

Just browsing.

And how am I supposed to sell it

now?

Oh, what?

I put it back.

Besides, it's never bothered you before.

I couldn't help noticing that you only have

coffee.

Elaine in Dr. Heisman's office always has a

nice selection of herbal teas.

Yes, a number of people have mentioned that.

Elaine also has fresh baked muffins.

Yes, I know, a number of people have

mentioned that, too.

When I had the flu, Elaine brought me

chicken soup, homemade.

I love Elaine.

Yes, apparently everyone loves Elaine.

See these charts from Heisman's office?

His nurse, what's her name?

Elaine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it.

Look at her handwriting, it's like calligraphy.

I mean, you should try to write more

like that.

How's that?

Well, that's not very nice at all.

Hi, I'm looking for Linda.

What are you doing here?

I'm so sorry, I just don't want to

be alone.

Oh, I would have stayed with you, but

I had to come to stupid war.

Ever since Steve left me, I just can't

be alone.

Can I stay here with you?

Sure, no problem.

Uh, Linda.

Yes.

No, no, I meant Linda.

Yes.

You're both named Linda?

Yes.

I just got that same creepy feeling I

had in med school watching a cell divide.

Okay, here's the thing.

Remember my friend I told you about who

got dumped and was really upset?

Yes!

Yeah, let me guess, that's her.

Yeah.

Well, I'm sorry, she can't stay here.

Oh, she won't get in the way.

In fact, she can help out, she can

do half of my work.

Doing half your work is what you do.

Okay.

I promise, she'll be okay.

You'll be okay, right?

No!

She'll be okay.

All the things we needed around here, another

Linda was not one of them.

John, wait a second.

We got a call about one of Dr.

Heisman's patients, a Mr. Tompkins.

What's his problem?

He's dead.

Well, I can't fix that.

82 years old, chronic heart condition, in a

convalescent home for the last six months.

He went into cardiac arrest this morning.

You're gonna have to call the family.

Oh.

It's the worst part of this job.

I never get used to it.

Damn answering machine.

Yeah, this is Dr. John Becker at 5550199.

I'm filling in for Dr. Heisman.

I need you to call me back as

soon as you get this message.

Thank you.

Why does everything happen to me?

It's a shame that dead man isn't around

to feel sorry for you.

What was that?

I just tore a coupon out of this

magazine.

You what?

Relax, it's mine.

I bought it down the street and I

can do whatever I want to it.

I see.

You buy from someone else, you just borrow

from me.

And now, I am licking my fingers and

turning the pages.

Because I'm a woman.

Licking and turning and licking and turning and

licking and turning.

I wonder how many people handled that magazine

before you started licking it.

I think I'll have a little lunch.

Maybe a sandwich?

Fine.

What do you want?

A good one.

That's why I bought it from down the

street.

Real nice.

Oh, and it's your favorite.

Cockroach, lettuce and tomato.

It is not.

You'll never know.

It was Steve's idea to have a threesome.

It's not my fault I liked it.

Why are you telling me this?

You said you cared.

No, I said tell someone who cares.

Don't you have a job you can go

to?

I worked for Steve.

Linda.

I'm standing right here.

Not you, Linda.

Oh, were you calling me?

Yes, didn't you hear me calling Linda?

I thought you were calling Linda.

You know what?

I can't take this anymore.

Just for today, you'll be Beth.

I don't like the name Beth.

I do.

Can I be Beth?

Fine.

Oh, I changed my mind.

I want to be Beth too.

You can't both be Beth.

Why not?

We're both Linda.

I know.

Let's pick our own names.

I want to be Margaret.

No, I want to be Margaret.

I want to be dead.

You know, these magazines are pretty old.

Elaine gets new ones every single week.

Well, didn't you read Elaine's newsletter?

I don't do that here.

Well, gee, I read it very carefully, and

I...

You mean she really has a newsletter?

Margaret, the guy who passed away, did his

family call back?

Sorry, nothing yet.

Oh, damn it.

Well, I hate giving people bad news.

I wish they'd call back so I could

get it over with.

John, look, I know how hard this is

for you.

When they call back, would you like for

me to tell them?

No.

No, it's my responsibility.

I'll do it.

Would you?

No, no, I'll do it.

I'll do it.

I'll call them right now, as a matter

of fact.

And what did I do to make Steve

stop loving me?

Well, you slept with all the guys in

his band.

I was trying to take an interest in

what he does.

Yeah, Linda.

Linda!

Hey!

Oh, I thought you were talking to her.

Just get out.

Go on.

Dr. McGregor, I need your opinion.

Now, if you love someone, and I mean

really, really love someone...

I don't think he's the one to talk

to, though.

What are you two doing?

I told her not to talk to him.

Hey, hey, will you please shut up?

I'm trying to get these people to call

me back so I can tell them their

father's dead.

That was not how I wanted to do

that.

You just told those people that their father

died on an answering machine.

Even Steve didn't break up with me on

the answering machine.

Margaret, if you don't get them out of

here, I'm gonna use one to beat the

other.

Out.

Both of you.

This was not my fault.

No one said it was.

I know, I know.

I'm just gonna keep calling.

That way, when they come to the front

door, the phone will be ringing, and they'll

never hear that message.

You do realize that.

You're right, you're right.

That's no good.

I know.

I'll just leave them another message telling them

to disregard the bad message.

Did you hear what you just said?

You're right.

I know.

I'll just go over there.

We don't know where there is.

Well, call them and find out.

I heard what I said.

I heard what I said.

Don't say it.

All right, look.

The woman that works for Dr. Heisman, what's

her name?

Wonder Woman.

Yeah, yeah.

Call her and find out if she has

any other numbers for this family.

Cell phone, work phone.

But don't tell her what I did.

I don't think she'd understand.

Why do you care what Elaine thinks?

I don't know, but for some reason, her

respect means a lot to me.

I can't believe you told someone their father

died on their answering machine.

Will you stop saying that?

Damn, John, that was cold.

And will you stop saying that?

Jake can't really help himself.

Being sensitive to other people's feelings isn't something

he does well.

It's kind of ironic that Reggie should talk

about being sensitive to other people's feelings, don't

you think?

Donut fighter.

Spine breaker.

You started it.

No, no, you started it.

No, you did it.

No, I did it.

What's going on?

She ruined my magazine.

He bit my donut.

You know, I'm dealing with life and death

issues here, and you two idiots are having

some kind of sandbox squabble over God knows

what.

I realize it's a tired and overused expression,

but I really think it applies here.

Get a life.

You know, even just one for the two

of you.

You could share it.

You know what scares me?

That we just chased away our only paying

customer?

Well, that.

And he may be right.

Yeah.

I suppose we did get a little carried

away.

I guess we were just frustrated because we

were so bored.

Yeah.

Well, we could put our time to better

use.

Yeah, instead of bitching at each other, we

could think of ways to improve our lives.

What else you got?

We could go to that bar down the

street, get hammered, and worry about our lives

tomorrow.

Much better.

Oh, Steve.

You make me grieve.

Why did you?

Why did you?

Leave.

How about today?

No.

I want you to leave, Linda.

Well, not to tell me twice.

Not you.

You're not going anywhere without her.

You're not going anywhere without her.

Look, I don't know if you've noticed, Margaret,

but Linda's a real downer.

All she does is cry and sing that

song, which between you and me, I don't

even think's a real song.

Get over there.

So, how are you feeling?

Oh, like I could handcuff Steve to the

radiator in his apartment until he realizes how

much he loves me.

Great, you got a plan.

She's good to go.

Yes, can I help you?

I think a better question would be, can

I help you?

You seem a little frazzled.

Oh, well, I guess I have had kind

of a rough day.

Things have been a little chaotic around here.

I know how that can be.

You know what you should do?

When you get home, take a nice hot

bath, have a glass of wine, and your

troubles will just melt away.

I know it sounds silly, but tomorrow really

is another day.

You're Elaine, aren't you?

Yes, and you must be Margaret.

I got your message, but I'm sorry, I

don't have any other numbers for poor Mr.

Tompkins' family.

Here's the address, though.

Thank you.

I go visit them myself, but this afternoon

I'm leading story time at Children's Hospital.

Oh!

I thought maybe you were going to go

and donate a kidney.

Oh, can't do that again.

Oh, my, she seems upset.

Maybe I can help.

Knock yourself out.

Margaret, did we get any other numbers for

the Tompkins family?

No, nothing yet, but Little Mary Sunshine over

there brought the address.

They're out on Long Island.

Well, nobody should have to hear that their

parent died in some jerk on an answering

machine.

Oh, I'll go on out there.

I'll see you in the morning.

Okay.

My God, you're psychotic.

No wonder Steve dumped you.

Just deal with it and move on, whore.

She makes a lot of sense.

I think I'm going to go home and

start putting my life back together.

Isn't Elaine the best?

The best?

She just called you a whore.

She did?

I didn't hear that.

Oh, please be easy.

Please be easy.

Grandpa!

Uh, I thought you were my grandpa.

So much for easy.

Um, are your parents here?

My mom's not here.

Mommy's here.

Come with me.

It's my birthday.

Did you bring me a present?

No, not exactly.

Mommy, this man wants to talk to you.

Oh.

Are you the clown?

Because you were supposed to be here a

half an hour ago.

No, no, I'm not the clown.

Um, is there some place private we could

talk?

Oh, well, I guess so, but it's a

little busy right now.

I-I'm sorry, who are you?

John Becker.

I'm-I'm filling in a...

Mom, when is Grandpa coming?

He said he'd be here.

Billy, I promise your grandpa wouldn't miss your

birthday for the world.

Cross my heart.

You were saying?

Um, see, I'm...

Billy, uh, do you mind, uh, playing over

there for a second?

I need to talk to your mommy alone.

What's going on?

This is very awkward.

Um, obviously, you-you haven't checked your answering

machine, but I...

I'm filling in for your father's doctor.

Well, there's no easy way to say this.

Your father passed away.

What?

I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.

I don't understand.

I-I-I talked to him this morning.

It happened very suddenly.

I-I tried to get hold of you

all day long.

Oh, God.

I-I'm sorry.

Oh, no.

My father died.

Grandpa's dead?

Oh, Billy, I'm so sorry.

I-I didn't want you to have to

find out this way.

Sorry I'm late.

Happy birthday, Billy.

Dad?

Dad?

I see dead people.

W-W-What's going on here?

Dad, oh, Daddy.

Dad, this man just told us that you

were dead.

What the hell's wrong with you, pal?

Uh, isn't this, uh, 1835 Jackson Road?

This is 1853.

Oh, well, you know something?

That is my mistake.

Boy, I must have misread the number.

Uh, I-I guess I went to the

wrong house.

Well, I-I'm so sorry.

I really am.

You know, you know, you should, uh, go

back to the party.

You know, I-I didn't mean to, uh...

I-I didn't mean to intrude here.

You know, I-I probably should...

And-and you've probably got lots of things

to...

It's a lovely home.

Get out.

Well, Billy, happy birthday.

Good luck.

Matt Dillon is trying to find a new

husband for his ex-wife in our movie

next tonight.

He truly is Mr. Wonderful.

Stay tuned.

We'll

be right back.