Original subtitles

(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) I told you in the lobby, I didn't

steal your stupid news week.

It's Liz.

Oh, hey, come on in, it's open.

Hey, I was about to call Ming's Palace,

what do you want, a lo mein or

a mu shu?

No way, no more take out.

Even Chinese cannibals don't eat this much Chinese.

Tonight, I'm cooking.

Can you cook Chinese?

I'm making gazpacho, you can use chopsticks if

you want to.

So how was your day?

What?

Oh, yeah.

Catch me, I'm weak in the knees.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I'm just going to go freshen up

and I'll get dinner started in a minute.

All right.

Driver's license.

Oh, boy.

I'm glad I didn't see that picture first.

National Organization for Women has a credit card?

For what, shoes?

John?

Yeah?

There's a wine in there if you want

to open it.

Okay.

Aspirin.

Lifesaver.

Pepper spray.

Must have come with that credit card.

Did you open it?

What?

I didn't open anything.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I probably shouldn't have asked you.

Probably hard with your shoulder and everything.

How is it?

Oh, a little stiff, actually.

You know, something made me feel a little

better.

Maybe I should take a couple of aspirins.

You want to give me some?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I don't have any aspirin.

Really?

You're not going to believe this.

Last night, I'm with Liz, right?

My shoulder's hurting and I ask her for

a couple of aspirin, which I happen to

know she has in her purse.

She lies to me and tells me she

doesn't have any.

You haven't been here for two weeks.

No hello?

No nothing?

Hello.

Does that do it for you?

Hello.

There's one for you, too.

So don't you start bitching.

You know, the amazing thing isn't that you

got shot, it's that you don't get shot

more often.

Hey, just try to focus, will you, please?

The amazing thing is that Liz didn't give

me any aspirin.

I knew for a fact she had aspirin

in her purse.

How did you know she had aspirin in

her purse?

That's not important.

See, the point is...

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

How did you know?

You snooped through her purse, didn't you?

What?

No.

No, I did not snoop through her purse.

The purse was sitting on my counter.

It was wide open and I happened to

notice a tin of aspirin.

Oh, so it was right on top.

It was near the top.

So you had to move other stuff out

of the way to see it?

All right, fine.

It was right on the top.

Anyway, here's what's bothering me.

Becker, don't you see how dishonest this is?

Exactly.

How can I trust someone who would lie

to me about aspirin?

How can she trust someone who's going to

snoop through her purse?

She makes a good point.

Oh, you know, why don't we even bother

talking to you people?

Just give me some coffee, will you?

How do you know I have coffee?

Oh, shut up.

You know, I make that coffee to go,

as a matter of fact.

I always make it to go.

Now go.

Greetings, riff-raff.

Headlights.

Deadlights.

So Bob just came from a settlement conference

with his soon-to-be ex-wife.

It worked out well.

We did a 50-50 split.

She gets to live inside the house, and

I get to live outside.

I don't even know your ex-wife, Bob,

but I really like her.

Bottom line, this wrinkled little thing is all

Bob has left in the whole world.

Oh, please tell me he's holding up money.

Yep.

My last dollar.

Ah, but I guess things could be worse.

At least I'm better off than old Viewmaster

here.

Bob, lay off Jake.

Every time you're in here, you call him

Viewmaster, Deadlights, Blinky, Hawkeye, Specs, Little Steve.

Okay, Reg, you've made your points.

Hey, it's all right.

I mean, Bob's going through a rough time.

I mean, put guys down to a lousy

dollar.

I mean, what can you buy for a

buck?

Well, except for maybe dreams.

What are you talking about?

Oh, nothing.

You know what?

This is none of my business.

No, no, no, no, no.

Bob is intrigued.

Tell me more.

Listen, if it were me, I'd be tempted

to go buy a lotto scratcher, try and

change my luck.

Hey, what have I got to lose?

I'll give it a try.

Yeah, knock yourself out.

You carry them on you?

Well, I keep one in my pocket just

to pick stuff out of my teeth.

Hey, Bob won 20 bucks.

What?

All right.

This'll buy three new dress shirts and a

half a pound of faux crab meat.

Well, if that's all you need in life,

fine.

I mean, but the grand prize is $50

,000.

Now that's life-changing money.

50 grand?

You're right.

This could be a whole new beginning.

Give me 20 more tickets.

Coming right up.

Hey, thanks for looking out for me.

Well, you know, as best you can.

Jake, what are you doing?

You hate that little grease stain.

Besides, no one ever wins those things.

It's an excuse to get pathetic losers to

blow their life savings.

I mean, you know, okay, you may win

a little, but eventually...

Oh, you're evil.

I'm gonna make them think that there's a

light at the end of the tunnel.

Then I'm gonna be the train coming the

other way.

Margaret, don't just stand there.

We have to get everything ready for the

party.

Dr. Beck is coming back today.

Believe me, the party's over.

Don't worry.

I won't make a big deal.

Here, put this on.

And here's your noisemaker.

Now come over here and help me move

the piano.

Linda, we are not having a party.

He would hate that.

Well, maybe Dr. Becker's not so crabby anymore.

After all, he was shot.

That changes a person.

It's like in those old movies where the

meanest, nastiest, grumpiest, most stick-up-his-butt

guy in town has a brush with death

and suddenly turns nice.

Oh, uh...

I was talking about somebody else with the

stick-up-his-butt.

Welcome back.

John, welcome back.

How are you feeling?

Get this.

Last night, Liz lied to me about having

aspirin in her purse because she didn't want

to give me any.

What do you think of that?

How did you know she had aspirin in

her purse?

Why does everybody keep missing the point of

this story?

You snooped through her purse, didn't you?

No, I did not.

Look, this is not about snooping.

This is about being honest, which Liz wasn't,

when she lied to me about the aspirin.

Uh-huh.

Oh, you know...

Anyway, I want this to be an easy

day for you, so I've cut back on

your appointments.

Now, if you need anything at all, you

just ask me, because I don't want you

to have to...

Margaret, Margaret, I'm fine.

Don't worry.

I can take care of myself.

Help me take this off, will you?

All right, but just make sure that you

change your bandage every three hours.

Yes, Mother.

Now, you want to burp me, or can

I see my first patient?

Oh, all right.

No, Fleckman isn't one, and from what he

said, it's just simple dermatitis.

I'm sure he only needs cortisone cream.

Thank you for your diagnosis, Doctor, and if

you don't mind, I'll look for myself.

Oh, geez.

Mr. Fleckman, you're naked.

Why?

I got a little rash.

I thought you might want to take a

look at it.

Well, I don't really have much of a

choice at this point, do I?

You know, we got paper gowns for just

such an occasion.

Now, we got lead goggles for just such

an occasion.

Hey, I got nothing to be ashamed of.

You know, the human body's a beautiful thing.

Oh, well, some are, some aren't.

All right.

You want to show me where this rash

of yours is?

Yes.

Right here.

Ah.

So what do you think I got?

No regard whatsoever for your fellow man, you

know?

Here's where I'm at.

Liz didn't want me to have any of

her aspirin.

Why?

Why?

You know, is she selfish?

Is she a liar?

Is this some kind of mind game?

Dammit, things were going so well, and now

this aspirin thing.

Well, maybe she's hoarding aspirin because to go

out with you, she needs all the aspirin

she can get.

Or here's a crazy thought.

Maybe she simply forgot she had aspirin in

her purse.

It's an intriguing theory.

I'm going to check that out.

I'll get back to you.

I'll be on the edge of my seat.

Hey, Gulliver, I'm trying to get in.

You mind?

Yeah, not so much, now that I'm getting

out.

So, Jake, you know those tickets you sold

me?

Sure do.

Well, I won a hundred bucks.

I'm sorry, Bob, you can't win...

What?

Just like you said.

Bob's luck is changing.

Now pay up.

Oh, wait a minute.

Reg, is this true?

Afraid so.

He's got three Giulianis.

Hey, that's cool, Bob.

I mean, not that a hundred bucks will

change your life, but it is an opportunity

to invest in a hundred more chances to

win the big money.

The really big, life-changing money.

THE BIG MONEY What are you doing?

Huh?

Oh, just cleaning out my wallet.

It's amazing, all the junk you accumulate.

I mean, I got stuff in here I

never use.

Like money?

Huh.

No, I mean...

Oh, I like this.

Yeah.

I got a coupon for free yogurt, expired

a year ago.

Dry cleaning receipts.

I completely forgot I had that.

Has that ever happened to you?

You know, do you ever forget you have

stuff in, I don't know, your purse?

Never.

I know everything in my purse.

Everything.

Nothing.

Really.

Why would you say that?

I was not snooping in her purse.

Anyway, the point is, if she knows every

single thing that's in her purse, why didn't

she give me the aspirin?

Right.

Is it okay if I use your bathroom?

What?

Oh, yeah.

In there.

John, you are getting too worked up about

this.

It can't be good for your blood pressure.

I mean, after all, you are still recuperating.

Margaret, I'm fine.

Well, just the same, I moved some appointments

around for you this afternoon so that you

can have an hour to relax.

Oh, good.

Give me some time to sort out this

aspirin thing.

No!

I meant if you want to take a

rest or- Margaret, will you stop, please?

I don't need a nanny.

Will you quit hovering around me like one

of those, come on, help me here, what

hovers?

Forget it.

Fine.

Oh, good, Linda, I'm glad you're here.

You are?

Yeah, yeah.

I want to ask you something.

It has to do with aspirin.

I'm allergic to aspirin.

That doesn't matter.

It could be anything.

It could be oranges, it could be cars.

It doesn't matter.

Hmm, let me think.

What could be aspirin, oranges, or cars?

It doesn't matter.

I get it.

Okay, I have one for you now.

What has two legs but can't walk?

Has two eyes but can't see?

It's a potato.

No, that's not right.

Damn, I'm a loser.

We know that, Bob.

How's the lottery going?

What was Bob thinking?

The lottery, the fool's game.

Jake, I want to turn in the rest

of these tickets and get my money back.

I mean, come on, Bob.

The eye's on the prize.

I mean, 50 G's, that's financially impossible.

Financial security, a big gold ring that says

Bob across three fingers.

Who knows?

Maybe even a place to live.

Yeah, a big gold ring.

Forget what I said.

I can do this.

All right.

Well, Red, you were wrong.

She didn't forget she had any aspirin.

I mean, she told me she knows every

single thing that's in her purse.

Did she know you were in her purse?

Don't try and change the subject.

You know what I think?

I think you're trying to sabotage this relationship

because for the first time in years, you

realize you're growing close to someone and it

scares you to death.

So you're trying to create a problem where

there isn't a problem.

That's what I think.

Boy, two months of psych 101 and it's

Vienna all over again.

Forget it.

Here, aspirin, a lifetime supply.

Why would you buy this much aspirin?

Well, when you're here, I give them out

instead of mints.

Oh my God, Bob won, Bob won!

Again?

What'd you get this time, Bob?

20 bucks, 50 bucks?

10 grand.

You're a liar.

No, it's true.

And it's all thanks to you, man.

No, it can't be.

Hey, some schmuck wins every minute.

This time it's Bob.

Hold on, Bob.

$10,000, is that really life-changing money?

Not this time, Lens Crafter.

Bob don't want to quit while he's ahead.

He's a very happy man.

Boy, if my ex-wife knew about this,

it would kill her.

God, I hope she's home.

♪♪ How could Reggie say I'm not capable

of having a relationship with a woman?

I mean, can you believe that?

Me, I've been married and divorced twice.

Doesn't that say something?

You're right.

Everybody else in the world is wrong.

Is that the answer you're looking for?

Well, it happens to be the right answer,

but I don't think it's coming from the

right place.

Whatever you say.

It's time for you to take your antibiotics.

I'll take them when I'm ready.

John, it says four times daily, and you

always...

Margaret, I got one woman in my life

who won't give me any pills.

The other one's trying to shove them down

my throat.

Something's wrong, I can tell.

Ever since you got back, all you've done

is babble about aspirin.

Meanwhile, I have done everything I can to

try and make things easier for you, but

you treat me like I am just one

more annoyance in your life.

Look, Margaret.

You were shot, John.

You could have died, and you act like

nothing even happened.

Look, I'm trying not to dwell on it.

I want to put all that behind me.

Well, I can't.

Why is it when people try to get

close to you, all you do is push

them away?

God knows why, but I care about you.

Margaret, you know that I...

Well, I mean, we...

What was that?

You care about me, too?

Well, yeah, you know.

And you appreciate the things I do for

you?

And maybe you even need me?

That's good.

And over the years, you've grown to feel

a true and lasting affection for me?

Yeah, all that.

Thank you.

Hey, guys.

Becker, if the word aspirin comes out of

your mouth, you're gonna eat the sponge.

Oh, no, no, don't worry.

I'm completely over that.

Yeah, it's been recently brought to my attention

that when it comes to relationships, my priorities

might be a little out of whack.

Excuse me, but I'm the one who told

you that.

Oh, come on, Reg.

Don't be so self-absorbed.

This is about me.

Bob is depressed.

Yeah, well, don't ask her for help.

She hasn't been right yet.

Turns out since Bob's ex isn't his ex

yet, she's taking her claim to half of

Bob's lottery winnings.

Oh, don't, bitch.

You still got five grand.

Yeah, but all that's going to Bob's creditors

and the IRS.

All Bob has left are his good looks.

Well, at least you've got your health.

Not even.

Turns out Bob's allergic to the coating on

the lottery tickets.

Painful rash.

Now you know why they're called scratchers.

So Bob itches, Bob's broke, and he's got

$200 in medical bills.

Bob is screwed, and not in a good

way.

Jake is back.

Hi there.

You didn't have to tell me this time.

Thanks.

It's good to finally be here.

My day sucked.

Oh, really?

I'm sorry.

Hey, if you don't want to go to

a movie, we can stay here.

Oh, it's okay, it's okay.

I'll be fine.

I just have a little headache.

Could you get me some water?

For what?

I'm going to take an aspirin.

You're going to take my aspirin?

Yeah, is that a problem?

Are you out of your mind?

Excuse me?

A couple of nights ago I asked you

point-blank whether or not you had any

aspirin in your purse, and you said no.

I don't have any aspirin in my purse.

Oh, yeah?

What do you call this?

An aspirin tin.

Exactly, and what's in it?

Allergy pills.

What?

I keep them in there because it's a

perfect size for my purse.

Oh.

Okay, well, then let me just get you

that water.

Oh, John.

Yeah?

How'd you know what was in my purse?

Oh, let's not go off on all kinds

of tangents here.

You went through my things.

It wasn't as bad as it sounds.

See, what happened is you...

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You went straight to my file cabinet to

get the aspirin.

How do you know I keep it there?

Well, that's where you keep all of your

medicine.

How do you know where I keep my

medicine?

Well, the other day I was looking for

something.

You were snooping.

You know what?

We're gonna be late for that movie.

Oh, no, come on.

Don't change the subject here.

What were you looking for?

You looked through my purse.

I looked through your drawers.

Let's just say we're both a little screwed

up and call it even.

Ah, well, I don't know about even.

I think you're a little more screwed up

than I am.

I mean, I'm not the one who has

therapy every Tuesday morning.

You read my date book?

Well, look what time it is and we're

gonna miss the preview.

LAUGHTER