All language subtitles for Very Important People s03e16 Bonus Content Season 3.eng

- "Very Important People,"
"Very Important People,"

"Very Important People,"
"Very Important People,"

"Very Important People,"
"Very Important People."

"Very Important People,"

that sounds bad, right?

Okay, oh, okay, fun, how 'bout this?

All male guests and we just
do "Super Terrific Dudes."

Okay, silent treatment,
that's fine, all right. Very-

Then we'll stick with
"Very Important People."

You feel good about that?

Okay, "Very Important People."

I'm gonna say it like
that from now on, so...

(upbeat music)

[Director] That was literally perfect.

I don't know how it can get
any more perfect than that.

Well, let's do one more take for safety.

(Vic and crew laughing)

"Could not be more perfect, back to one.

I love that, back to one."

Let's all give a genuine compliment

to somebody in the circle,
let's start with me.

And so one thing that we
absolutely love about working here,

and working with me, and
sort of my star power,

and how we feel about me as a boss,

and also as a human being.

And we're sure that's water in there?

[Crew member] Actually not sure.

(Vic sipping drink)

- Okay, I want somebody
to always be checking

what's in that cup.

- Are all of us just
sort of like "on a show?"

You know what I mean, at the
end of the day, I think yes.

Yes, we're all on a show.

You're on a show right
now, you know what I mean?

Yeah, we've talked about this Vic,

that not everyone's life
revolves around being on a show.

- Right?
- [Vic] Right.

- That's your experience,
but it's not everyone's.

And we have discussed this.

Yeah, so I'm sort of like on a show

of not understanding what
you're saying about that.

I would love to lose this show language

when we talk about this, all right?

Because I do think it's holding you back.

How does that make you feel?

I think that we should
just sort of take a moment,

maybe of silence, for our troops.

- [Crew member] Can we
actually, we're still-

- We're doing a moment of
silence for the troops.

[Director] It's too much up and down.

- [Crew member] Too much?
- Vic,

I need you to stay in your seat.

- Me?
- [Director] I need you

to stay in your seat.

- Me, Vic?
- [Director] Yeah.

- Okay.
- [Director] Okay.

- You just gotta say that
at the top of the day.

- It's 9:01.
- I hear you,

and I'm listening, thank you.

It's the eye contact.

I can't have that kinda eye contact.

It's like I know what's
happening behind those eyes.

- I'm gonna go to my
trailer for a little bit.

(crew laughing)

- Let's talk a little bit
about setting boundaries.

I would love that, actually.

I was thinking the same thing.

You have to stop letting me
show up at your house to ask-

- I have never once let
you show up at my house.

- [Vic] I just need to talk.
- And this is news to me

- that you've been doing it.
- And you're not there.

And so, I sort of wait
around for a little bit.

Your daughter is so sweet, by the way.

- This is a problem.
- Yeah.

Your daughter was saying that too.

(gentle upbeat music)
(camera lens clicking)

I think I'm a big thumb.

Ew, what if I was Sam?

Obviously, there's one direction to go,

which is that I'm a hotdog
that's about to be eaten.

(Rekha and crew laughing)

I'm really experiencing POV hotdog.

- Did you knit that?
- Mm-hmm.

- Lies.
- No, don't do that.

- Lies.
- You don't know,

- you weren't here.
- [Mother Hot Dog] Lies.

You wear in makeup.

Is there a hotdog in my shoe?

There is a hotdog in your shoe.

(both laughing)

I don't know if you noticed,

but I have clinical depression.

- And I wake up and my
breath smells bad sometimes.

I feel close to you.

An Atlanta slaughterhouse,

you wake up, you gain consciousness.

- I wake up, I go, "I
gotta get outta here.

- "I got big dreams."
- Yeah.

But I get picked up off the floor

and someone says, "What the heck is this?"

- Right.
- This is much more handheld

than the other stuff we got going on here.

- Mm.
- Steaks, greasy bacon.

- Brisket?
- I know my family.

- [Vic] Right, of course.
- I don't know their family.

And I apologize.

- When's the 4th of
July, oh, it's July 4th.

- And well, and sort of famously,
July 4th started in 1776.

Wow, I love American history.

- I feel rich.
- 'Cause of the cape?

Oh my god, when the Titanic sank

the 4th of July after that was sad.

I saw a lot of my kids get
eaten by a lot of rich folks

that were lamenting their rich family.

- And that's funny, if
you don't mind me saying,

I think often hotdogs are associated

with not being a food for the rich.

- Hotdogs are for everybody.
- [Vic] Do you think?

I don't think you should eat them,

but I've seen everybody, hello?

- You don't think people
should eat hotdogs at all?

No, it's part of my body.

But if you are, you got class.

- I don't know if you
saw craft services today.

Sort of like what people
were eating for lunch.

We had bratwurst on the menu

and I just wanna make
sure that that's not like

a conflict of interest of any kind.

(Mother Hot Dog exhales)
I'm so sorry.

Well, in a perfect world,
what's happening with your kids?

What are they doing?

I would like my kids to become models

Like the Hadids?

So you'd sort of be like, Yolanda?

I would die to be a Hadid.

Oh no.

- [Director] Let's have
people help Rekha get up.

(all laughing)

[Crew Member 1] Oh no, we got you.

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music continues)
(camera lens clicking)

I hope you make me hot like Echo.

I'm in true bliss.

You know what, I'll go on the record.

I like being touched.

God, I truly have no idea.

Tonight, we die and dine.

It's die and dine-ins,
I host a travel show.

(loud laughing)

Oh hello, welcome to my castle.

(laughing)

Wow, this guy is trouble.

Okay, behind the fountain.

I didn't know that was an option.

I tried going back there
once and and I was told no.

- Okay, hi.
- [Boris] Hello.

- Boris, what was your
favorite subject in school?

Oh, this is easy,

bombing,

(chuckles) no.

- Bombing?
- Bombing.

- Bombing, what?
- Bombing.

I can't go down this way.

I'll go off the rail so
quickly, lemme go back.

I gave you a second shot at that.

And you just said bombing louder.

(Jeremy and crew laughing)

You said, "Let me take that back."

I said, "Okay," and you said, "Bombing."

- Bombing again.
- [Vic] More confidently.

What made you think that you
and I would be a perfect match?

We both ride horses,

we both sink when we swim.

- What?
(Jeremy laughs)

Why do you think I would sink when I swim?

Why do you sink when you swim?

You don't sink when you swim?

- No, I think pretty famously
people float when they swim.

- Witch?
- What?

It's a witch if you float.

No, that's sort of like a thing

that they didn't like
the Salem Witch Trials

and it was largely debunked.

I think you're a witch if you float.

Were you trying to trap me

into admitting that I was a witch?

No, don't wink.

- I am going around eating
the booty left and right.

Eating the booty?

Eating the booty, eating the butt.

- [Vic] Okay.
- Eating the leg.

- Eating the arm.
- Sort of carnal.

- Not only carnal, I kiss too.
- [Vic] Okay.

I would say that was a 10 out of 10.

Yeah, they are very much
into me, I would agree.

So I would like to buckle down with them.

I feel like we could have
a great gay marriage plus.

All of us together so it'd be great to see

if they text me later for fun.

(upbeat music)
(camera lens clicking)

Hi, I'm Brennan Lee Mulligan.

Hey, what's up, I'm Jacob Wysocki.

We're bringing the noise
and I'm bringing the energy.

I'm only bringing noise.

(high pitched screaming)

A guy came to my house

and put a bunch of goo in my mouth.

I hope that's related to this show.

- Wait...
(crew laughs)

That sounds like a personal problem.

Now, I know what they want us to be.

(Brennan laughs)

I have a gentle idea of what they want.

[Brennan] Say it on three,

- one, two, three.
- One, two three.

- British men.
- No, no, no.

Here's the thing, the top
note is baby, for sure.

- Here.
- But the under note

is so powerfully evil.

Mhm.

You want an hour of this?

(both imitating baby sounds)

My pee pee, go poo poo.

Well, that's what they want.

- That's not good, you
gotta go to the hospital.

Oh, sorry, my poo poo go pee pee.

- Full grown combat trained
man could kick me squarely

in the crotch and I'd feel nothing.

I wouldn't even pop off the ground.

- [Vic] Okay, you know what?
(Jacob snickers)

(Brennan and Jacob laugh)

Dude, that was a hot riff.

- Does gravity hit you
two differently here?

Oh, that shit hits different.

(Vic and Brennan chuckling)

You could cuss in front of us
and we would not pick it up.

- Piss and shit.
- Cock, ass, mother fucker.

Pull your skull out of your head.

What if I killed you?

Oh, okay.

(soft cooing sounds)

Hey,

what do I...

(soft cooing continues)

okay,

good morning.

Hey, whoa, whoa-

- Ow, ow, ow, ow!
- No, no, no!

- Hey Archimedes! No!
- Ow!

- Down, down, release!
- [Archimedes] Sorry.

We were told that the president was

- a man named Bill Clinton.
- Who said that to you?

- It was said on the
golden record in space.

- So this golden record I
think is deeply out of date-

- We want to get on "America's
Funniest Home Videos"

with Bob Saget.
(toy squeaking)

My testicles haven't descended.

- I don't feel comfortable
talking about mine

And I didn't ask.

- Hello and greetings, if
you're watching this film,

you're looking for children.

If you're wondering why are these babies

- as big as grown men?
- Stop it.

Time for you to turn the video off.

We'll give you a moment.

(upbeat music)
(camera lens clicking)

My name is Angela and I'm about to barf

all over myself, cry, and be so happy.

This is the best day of my
life, but I'm so scared.

Yay!

(crew laughing)

Okay, I'm gonna barf.

This is the scariest shit I've ever seen.

Veneer who?

I don't know guys, who is they?

I'm like, what?

I really thought I would
be a machine of bits,

but I'm still coming to.

I love my doctor, good light too.

Why am I becoming like a fucking...?

It's this guy.

- My favorite thing about
these gloves, sparkles.

- Oh wow.
- [Fanoli] You see that?

- I do.
- I don't know,

if the camera picks it up.

[Vic] Wow, okay, I mean it's...

Okay, I don't think anyone ever told

Barbara Walters that
she's a performer too.

- Do you mean that?
- [Fanoli] Yeah.

- How the fuck did that happen?
- What do you mean?

Well, it's Barbara
Walters, I like, I just-

- Oh my god.
- No, no, nevermind.

That was fucking crazy.

- No, you know, a lot
of people have tattoos.

I wouldn't call it crazy.

What if you sing 'cause you want to

and not 'cause you have to?

No, I can't make sound 'cause I want to.

You could try, watch this.

(Vic vocalizing)

(Fanoli vocalizing)

There you go! A rhythmic, no real tune.

- You guys, my sparkles
are all over you guys.

? And that was "Very Important People" ?

Okay No, I I have to do that part.

- Out, cut.
- That's me.

- Looks like there's a
big tornado happening

in some of the part of the country.

What's the voice I'm doing?

Welcome on the show, we
got some good people here.

We got a girl sick from a fire.

? Strangers in the night ?

? We got a girl that was sick ?

I'm an entertainer, guys,
I can't do small talk!

(upbeat music)
(camera lens clicking)

- [Crew member] Can you see?
- Unfortunately.

This amount of bubbles
is really freaking me out

now that I see them up and close.

You know, I thought the
most embarrassing thing was

the fact that I was gonna be
in like spandex, but it's not.

The most embarrassing thing is

how short this cape is, bitch.

(Eugene and crew laugh)

A older woman, I hate to call her elderly.

Why?

I just don't wanna look at her.

- She's doing laundry.
- [Sudzo] She's doing laundry.

And all of a sudden this
radiation filled washing machine

gets filled with a bunch of ripped,

cut open, off-brand pods by a lady

that was of age, of an older generation.

- Sure.
- So making terrible mistakes.

- She was 84, I think you
can call her an old woman.

A terrible, yeah, a terrible age.

- So you wake up and
the elderly woman is...?

- What?
- She didn't make it.

- Oh.
- Did you not know that?

I didn't, I didn't 'cause I was...

it's been only a couple weeks,
so I hadn't found her yet.

- Oh, I see, were you
planning on looking for her?

- Yeah.
- Why?

To thank her.

I kind of look like a fish like
my eyes are closer together.

- Don't fish normally have eyes
on either side of their head

- All of a sudden, you're
just a pro at everything.

- No, I'm not, you know,
I dabble, I really-

I think it depends on what kind of fish.

If you're talking about
like, you know, sanddabs,

- What?
- Sanddabs.

Those are those flat fish
that are at the bottom.

I see and they sort of got their eyes

on the top of their head
looking straight up.

- They just go straight up.
- [Vic] Okay.

- That's like me.
- So that brings us

to our next question, which
is what animal would you be?

I guess a sanddab.

We're gonna do one more scenario here.

And we're not shooting
a Gatling gun, okay no.

(simulating a gun)
(vocalizing)

I love that dance that we
were doing on the break.

You know like Joe Rogan,
how he's got a podcast on-

- Love that guy.
- No.

- He's so good.
- [Vic] No.

- He's got such an
opinion that makes sense.

I don't think so.

I'm like, "I should wear flannels,

I should watch UFC."

(upbeat music)
(camera lens clicking)

- Hi, I'm Demi Adejuyigbe
and I've been shrunk,

which is why I don't fit
into any of these clothes.

I think I'm a starfish of some sort.

Or like some sort of beached whale.

(Demi and crew laughing)

Not a lot of sunlight in
this room, by the way.

I need that, it's my food.

You don't have any fucking Crafty here.

You don't got an open window for me

to photosynthesize through.

- Where did you go to school?
- I did not go to school.

- [Vic] At all?
- Nope.

I would describe my life
as "largely uneducated."

- Same.
- No, I know.

- What do you mean?
- Nothing, we can move past it

- How did you end up in
children's television?

It seems like you don't like it very much.

- Nepotism.
- What?

Do you remember a guy named Soupy Sales?

- Yeah, of course.
- It was Soupy Sales'

Venus fly trap plant, that's my dad.

- No way.
- [Zinnia] Mm-hmm.

- There's 30 sort of
first graders watching,

- Sort of first graders,
what do you mean by

"sort of first graders?"

- Well, it's like some
of 'em got held back

from first and second grade

so it's like sort of first grade.

- I had a wife.
- You did?

- Well, don't... you sound
surprised, why are you...?

You just seem like maybe...

Go on.

- You seem like a virgin.
- I seem like a virgin?

I am! We didn't fuck.

I know what I gotta do with my life.

Yes, okay, yes! I think I know exactly

what you're gonna say, double the hour

of the kids programming
and a half of it be

- sort of like-
- Right wing podcast.

- What?
- And to thank you,

I'm gonna credit you on
every single episode.

- Don't do that.
- Yep.

I'm Zinnia and it's time

for another "Play Time with Zinnia."

Today, our topic is unions.

? U is for united, which is what are ?

? N is for nobody that will take you far ?

? What's the other letters
that comes after that ?

? I don't know Google it, "Play Time" ?

(upbeat music)
(camera lens clicking)

- [Lisa] Knowing you guys,
you'd like paint my nails

just to have me in a full mascot suit

and never see my hands.

(crew softly giggling)

Freaks.

Hi Mommy.

Okay, you guys painted my
nails for what, for who?

These shoes, I knew they were clown shoes.

They're too big to be real shoes.

(vocalizing)

Oh my god, how scary.

(vocalizing)

That's so scary, this is so scary.

And you know what's crazy is he-

he couldn't even tame me.

He just kinda took your word for it

that you were talking someone in the room

and he said, "Whatever
that is, I wanna fuck it."

- Oh my god.
- Your dad's kinda like that.

- Little Fart we've been spending-

- Oops.
- Okay, Oops Little Fart.

We're spending a... is that a tag?

Call me by your name.

- Little Fart-
- Oops.

Okay, (laughs)

- Oops-
- You're saying it like

you're reading attendance from a teacher.

You're going Little Fart comma Oops.

- Oops is your first name,
Little Fart is the tag.

- Yes!
- [Vic] Okay.

No, it's a whole name, Oops Little Fart.

I'm sure you're Vic Dick Brick.

No.

I don't deal in legal lawsuits.

I deal in fantasy loan-la,
I deal in cloud-la.

- What does that mean?
- Fantasy words.

[Vic] Oh, you deal in fantasy?

Anything is a fantasy word

if you put "-la" on the end of it.

- I seem to remember you gave
me a middle name as a kid.

- Dick-la.
- Right?

- [Both] Vic-la Dick-la.

- I think it's beautiful.
- Vic-la Dick-la Michaelis.

- La.
- Michaelis-la, okay.

Thank you for seeing me.

- I appreciate that and I'm
sorry that I'm trying to sort

of fold you into the version
of you that I remember

and not the version of you that you are.

And I'm sorry, I'm trying to fold you

into the version I get your number

and never eat In and Out (indistinct).

Yeah.

- Is this a permanent marker?
- [Vic] Yes.

(Lisa laughing)

- Are you gonna let me
do your makeup or not?

I'm gonna let you do my makeup.

But why don't we... I wanna look like you.

I think you look...

(both laughing)

(both laughing)

- Boop, sorry, sorry, it's non-toxic.

- Are you sure?
- [Oops] No.

(upbeat music)
(camera lens clicking)

(Frankie beatboxing)

I'm a shy dragon, but I have all this,

it's all for like a front, you know?

So you're like, "Oh, I'm scared,"

but really I just need friends.

But eh, just gimme a hug real quick.

(Frankie beatboxing)

(awkward laughing)

- What is your go-to recipe?
- Peanut butter and jelly.

- Peanut butter and jelly
is your go-to recipe?

? Peanut butter and jelly fills my belly ?

? What do you like Skippy or chunky ?

? I don't care, just
bring my sandwich, dummy ?

But I wasn't calling
you dummy, I'm so sorry.

- [Vic] No, that's okay,
hey, don't worry about it.

How 'bout this, we're
at the grocery store.

Let's say you're coming to the checkout

and I'm the cashier.

Wow, almost off my shift.

- Oh, uh...
- I'm almost off my shift.

- Oh, you're almost off, hey,
what do you do for sandwiches?

- What?
- Oh shit.

- No. Uh-
- What do I do for sandwiches?

- Yeah.
- This is weird.

And then, I've closed my door.

You're ordering your coffee, okay?

- I'll go, "Next?"
- Yeah, let me get

- a iced vanilla latte.
- [Vic] Okay.

- With oat milk.
- Sure, iced vanilla latte.

- Yeah and ey, put a little
cinnamon on top. (chuckles)

- Okay, we'll do that.
- [Lil Huff] Right?

- Okay, there you are.
- Man, that was quick.

Yes, we're very fast here.

Are you quick with it, I like all that.

- Close, okay so sort of, it
was one of those things where-

- I got a little creepy,
huh, I got creepy.

[Vic] Yeah, you got a little creepy.

? I'm here to let you know ?

? That I can't just chill, I can't relax ?

? How can I, when I
got spikes on my back ?

? But I ain't trying to poke nobody ?

? I ain't trying to cause no injury ?

? I'm just trying to spread
love to people freely ?

? So there you go, I
hope I never go stale ?

? Y'all just admire, kick back
and will look at my nails ?

? I'm a rapper too and you
didn't know that about me ?

? But I knew that about you ?

? And everybody's going,
Huh, what's all that about ?

? And I'm going, I rap
and don't spout anything ?

? That you don't believe is true ?

? I can keep going all day, night ?

? Blue, red, orange, and green ?

? Hmm, those are colors that I have seen ?

(crew laughing)

[Director] Let's say, "I have seen,"

and Wes and Frankie, just walk off set.

Everyone's laughing too hard

- at that I think.
- So we go out that door?

Hey that was pretty good!
(crew continues laughing)

Thank you, Frankie!

(upbeat music)
(camera lens clicking)

I'm a Virgo sun, Sagittarius rising.

I need to know what's going on.

- [Crew Member] No, open
eyes without warning.

- I didn't
- [Crew Member] You cheater.

No, I didn't open my eyes, I didn't.

I literally went like this
because this eye is tearing up.

[Crew Member] Do you need a tissue?

- No.
- [Crew Member] Do you need

- a lie detector test?
- I did not open my eyes.

Play it back.

I literally (laughs)

I have no idea what I am,

and I'm so angry.

What if I hate it?

Oh my god, hello, oh my wow.

My name is Schlum and
I'm a Swedish pop star.

My father is... I don't
think this is Swedish.

I sort of feel as though art is

this place to forget sadness,

but portray it in a way
that makes others feel sad,

but makes you feel good
for the attention, yes?

- Yeah.
- And if there's one thing

I love besides this goddamn country

and butterflies,

it is attention.

- I think you hold a lot of
really bad political opinions.

And at first I was like, maybe
it can just be about the art.

And I think what I'm
learning in this reason

is you can't really separate
art from the artist.

- Yes you can, people have
been doing it for centuries.

- Name one other artist
that we've been able

to separate the art from the artist.

- Woody Allen.
- Okay name seven more.

- That's what I thought.
- John Travolta.

- What did John Travolta do?
- What did he not do?

(both chuckling)

- What is the most unusual
thing you've eaten?

- Probably a whale.
- You ate a whale?

I did, I ate an orca whale

with an Inuit friend of mine.

- It was delicious.
- Okay so,

I do know that that's a delicacy.

And if you were invited to do that,

I suppose then actually that is-

No, we poached them, I remember.

It was sort of this pod in the wild

- and we were on this boat.
- Okay.

I saw the orca and I said, "My god,

that looks scrumptious."

And my friend said,
"Well, I have a spear."

And you know,

Mama-say-mama-sa-mama-coosa.

- So you sort of poached it?
- Hold on. (laughs)

This is a bill for fracking. (laughs)

You are going to-
(both laughing)

Stop attacking the cops.
(both laughing)

I have to...
(crew laughing)

stop attacking the cops, (laughs) hold on.

(upbeat music)
(camera lens clicking)

Is this a collar, am I a poodle?

Oh, I don't know, but this feels like

a harness of some sort.

Like this turned into a
different type of show.

(crew laughing)

What's going on?

It's me, Poodle Girl

and my special superpower is being loud.

I have a collar on and I can't tell

because of the latex, if
this is 'cause I'm a dog

or if this is like a sexual thing.

Honestly, if I get reincarnated,

I wanna come back as a rich lady's dog.

I still get good food, and
massages, and purse travel.

So I can get into that just a little...

(yipping)

- Man's best friend.
- [Vic] Yes.

- Have you heard of that?
- That does sound familiar.

I'm not really a pet person per se.

Oh, I'm sorry, you know, it's
just more, I travel a lot.

And you didn't wanna get like a crate

or like a second seat on a plane?

Oh, I'm so sorry, I forgot,
you cannot afford that.

No, I could afford it.

- It's not that I couldn't
afford it, I could.

- I could certainly-
- I'm so glad

that you could get one plane ticket.

- Bone broth diet.
- [Paloma] Yeah.

- That's kind of fun,
who's your nutritionist?

Maybe I'll give 'em a call.

Gwyneth Paltrow.

Well maybe gimme her number

and maybe I'll give her a call, okay.

(both laughing)

(Paloma laughing)

Give you Gwyneth Paltrow...

(Paloma laughing continues)

Oh, I'm gonna do a spit take.

- You know, it's just, I
gotta Chase Sapphire card.

(upbeat music)
(camera lens clicking)

Hi, I'm Zac Oyama and it is an honor

to be back for the third time
on whatever this show is.

My eyes are terrifying.

I've been wandering these
forests for nigh on two days.

I got lost on a hike with my family.

Hi, these are my teeth, I
had braces for six months

and been on Invisalign for 20 years.

Please introduce yourself.

(loud screeching)

- Hello.
- Ow, it's hot.

My belly crystal's very hot.

Your belly crystal is very hot?

What crime would you commit
if all crime was legal?

I'd blow a kiss to the president.

- You can do that.
- No.

No, you can do that.

- It would put him to sleep.
- It would put him to sleep?

The way I blow kisses, sorry...

Yep, I think we might need to cut a break.

It's around 27 minutes,
so it'll be 26 and a half

more minutes before Vic wakes up.

Yeah, I'll just take a break.

(loud blowing)

Tomatoes! Give me tomatoes.

Yeah, okay.

- Can we find tomatoes?
- Tomatoes?

- Can I say tomatoes?
- 16.

- 16? We have one.
- Okay.

Hargh.

Well, hey, listen, I'm not trying to...

- Okay.
- Hargh!

So I'm not trying...
(slurping sounds)

So you're not actually
eating the tomato at all.

You're just sort of taking
bites and spitting it out.

- I take little bits of juice.
- [Vic] Okay.

Can I be honest with you for a second?

- Of course.
- So like,

I just left like a pretty crazy situation

and it felt like, I don't know

if this helmet's gonna
cut me in half, okay?

- Yeah.
- And so, maybe part of

my experience is that I want to get drinks

on Hollywood Boulevard
and see if I can fight

a guy who came too close to
me on a Bird scooter, okay?

(upbeat music)
(camera lens clicking)

- Hi, I'm Katya, a 43-year-old gay man

who's never had sex, but I'm dying to try.

Woo!

X-rated George Washington.

- (crew laughing)
- [Crew member] Perfect, yeah.

- Well basically Georgette
Washington with huge wet hits.

This is giving very sexy George.

How the fuck did you do that so quickly?

Oh my fucking god, you guys
really yanked this off.

Oh, it's so good.

I feel like I have like a
slightly higher IQ, perhaps?

Hello, I'm Gob and I'm here
to eat all your cats and dogs.

So I went to the new fucking salon

and I asked for a Brazilian blowout.

I don't think that this is it,

but I think it's kind of working.

(crew laughing)

This glass is really salty.

Roberto, can I get another glass?

The glass is salty?

I have a saline allergy, I'm so sorry.

Oh, no problem, if we can get

a PA to fly in another glass.

- Thank you so much.
- [Vic] Thank you.

Thank you, thank you so much.

- So, okay, and there you go.
- Oh.

(crew nervously laughing)

(Katya laughs)

- I'm sorry.
- Do you wanna try that again?

And you can step on it
or throw it at the wall

or something like that and
it will break. (laughs)

The level of hard you hit your head with

- for nothing to happen.
- It's so funny. (laughs)

(crew laughing)

(ceramic shattering)

I am so sorry about that.

(Linda chuckles)

I'm accident prone.

[Vic] Okay.

What the hell is this?

[Vic] PA flying in a tray, it's tissues.

You know, a lot of people get
really emotionally charged

by my interviews, okay so...

Now this is not salty at all.

Oh, the flavor!

- I don't think you're a
bitch, I think you're fun.

I think that maybe this is kind of fun

and I like the way that
you're smiling at me.

I'm working on my earnest
smile, do you wanna see?

Oh god, the smile of a serial killer.

Your brain is just working in a way

which it's like you're just like so much,

you're floating above it all.

- Is that a veiled criticism
of the size of my head?

- No, I think your head is
the most beautiful thing

I've ever seen my life,

and I want one.

I think that'd look nice on me.

- No.
- Okay.

(upbeat music)
(camera lens clicking)

- [Crew member] Do you have
any idea of what you are?

Absolutely not, there's no way

in hell I know what's going on.

To open your eyes and see this,

this is the world's
biggest surprise party.

This is it, this is a big show, all right?

- Missy Elliot just called.
- Who?

- You said, "Who?"
- [Vic] Yeah.

(both laugh)

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh,

yeah, click the feet,

click the heels a little more.

Come on Dorothy, take 'em down the road.

? Tin Man's with you and
now you leading the way ?

? Leadin' the way to Oz ?

But you're actually in "The Wiz,"

but it's not racist, okay?

You're in "The Wiz," and it's okay.

Despite the fact that I did
start some private prisons,

I learned from my ways, I was goofing off.

- You were goofing off when
you started private prisons?

Yeah, I was just having a little fun.

- [Vic] Okay.
- You ever been a teenager?

- A teen wolf?
- Hey.

- [Vic] Sorry, okay.
- Those are my people.

- What was your major,
did you go to college?

- I didn't go to school, but I
majored in "The Key of Life."

- Yeah.
- Which is Stevie Wonder.

- Okay, isn't she lovely?
- Exactly.

- Isn't she wonderful?
- Exactly.

- Isn't she precious?
- Exactly.

- I love that.
- Yeah.

But that's actually about a baby.

- Is it, huh?
- [Diamond] Yeah.

So don't be using that
for women or something.

Was I singing it in a way

where it made it sound
like I was singing it-

- It made it seem like you
were trying to come and get it.

- [Vic] Okay.
- "Come and get it, Diamond."

That's how you were singing it.

- Oh, I'm sorry, what
about this, is this better?

Are you trying to get it?

Well, you know, if you wanna,

maybe get a drink after
this, I wouldn't say no.

- I actually don't drink.
- Oh, okay of course, coffee?

No, but I do a little H.

- Huh?
- You know what it is.

Okay.

(upbeat music)
(camera lens clicking)

Ooh, I have a message incoming.

(mimicing incoming signals)

- If you don't mind me
saying, my favorite chapter

of your book was sort
of where you described

the landscape and the activities
that can sort of occur

on your planet and what it means to you.

Oh, my editor wrote that page.

- Oh, okay.
- That was your favorite?

- Yeah, well I just, you know,
I sort of connected to it

'cause it sort of talked
about how your planet

was one where...
(Jane softly sobbing)

No, hey.

Okay, well now sort of an
apropos moment for this.

No and no, as a journalist, it's my job

to sort of to get the scoop.

I'm okay.

Okay, well, thank god.

- [Caller 1] Yeah Jane,
I'm really interested

in coming to your planet,
but I'm on a budget.

Would you recommend for a first timer,

the excruciating sex
or the orgasmic death?

I mean, I think excruciating sex is fun.

And I only know it's excruciating

from the humans that
have come and tried it.

For me, it's a walk in the
park, but I don't have feelings.

It's sort of akin to, what
here, is called a sociopath.

Does that answer your question?

- [Caller 1] Yeah, I think so.
- Okay.

Next caller, you're on the
line with Vic and Jane.

- [Darrell] Hello, hi, hi, this
is Darrell from Cincinnati.

Hello, Darrell from Cincinnati.

- Hi Darrell.
- [Darrell] So I've been

saving myself for the
right special person.

And I'm just wondering now,
it's been a long enough time,

are there services that
you would recommend

that is good for a person
that has not been...

has not explored sexuality yet?

- Wait, how old are you?
- It doesn't matter.

- [Darrell] Pass.
- [Vic] Pass.

Maybe we hang up on that one

and we sort of move on to the next caller.

[Caller 2] Hey, I'm just a huge fan.

I've been to the planet several times.

- Oh!
- [Caller 2] And it changed me

- Jane.
- Yeah.

How did it change you, huh?

[Caller 2] Yeah, my penis

and my left hand are
just absolutely shredded.

- Yeah.
- [Caller 2] I just feel like

I found myself there, I was
able to let go in a way.

- And I just wondered like,
- Yes.

- [Caller 2] You know,
how do you think of that?

- You know, sex feeling good
is a very human expectation.

And I think once you
experience it as excruciating,

it's kind of like Sichuan
mala, spice, okay?

First time you eat it, you're like,

"Ah, ha, ooh, ooh, ooh," right?

- Then you sort of crave it?
- But then you're like,

"Mm, I want that."

I thought you were going in for a kiss.

And then I sort of was like, "Oh,"

and then do you know the movie "Hitch?"

And I thought you had sort of gone 10%

and then I needed to go 90%.

And so, I sort of just kept getting closer

and I thought maybe you were
gonna keep coming closer

and you didn't so I was like,

"Well, here we go Vic,
we're going for it."

And again, I'm like sort
of like new to dating

and I was like, that was
like the most, and I'm sorry-

- What are you saying?
- We kissed.

- What?
- Yeah.

(Vic laughing)

(upbeat music)
(camera lens clicking)

Hey, I'm Anna Garcia, I'm on day three

of my period and I'm a
little under the weather.

So let's all sort of lower
our expectations collectively.

It's not gonna be a Zeke
today. You're lucky I'm here.

(all laughing)

No idea where the cameras are.

[Eric] More to your left.

And you guys are doing a full face

of glam on me, right, smokey eye?

- [Makeup Artist] Oh yeah.
- Great.

I look like an old guy.

This is what I'm gonna
look like when I'm 70.

I offer you some wisdom from
an old man that used to be god.

(all laughing)

I'm Jesus Christ. (laughs)

Help, I've been in the
desert for 40 days, no water.

And you want me to
stand where, yeah, here?

"Westworld" has been
amazing for the record.

Where's Crafty?

That's how I got my wife.

- Do you like my hair?
- Yes, it's beautiful.

- It actually is beautiful.
- [JW] It's beautiful.

I make my own shampoo and condish.

Take a sip, I brewed it myself.

- I don't wanna sip.
- Take a sip.

- I don't wanna sip.
- Have a sip.

Maybe later, you hold onto it

'cause it seems like
you're getting outta trying

to drink more of this, so
maybe answer a question.

That's not true, I've got

so much empty space in my stomach.

- But you gotta say it like
this, "I got piss liquor."

What, no, no, no, how
'bout this, how 'bout this?

- No, no, no.
- What the fuck?

- What are you doing, no.
- What?

- Nothing.
- No.

Well, it was like a moment
where you were like this

- and I was like-
- It was a moment

of connection, god forbid!

Don't touch the man
whose friends are dead.

Well, how 'bout you don't touch

the host that everyone loves and is adored

by everybody that they work with.

Fine, I won't touch the adored host.

- Okay, great.
- [JW] Unless, you know,

- the stallion needs taming.
- [Vic] No.

- Can I?
- [Vic] And there we go.

- [Crew member] That's
a rental, please don't.

- I won't...
- Not that one,

not that one, not that one, okay.

- Can I?
- [Crew member] Yeah.

Are these curtains ours?

Come on, ha, oh no, okay, here we go.

Did you just break the window?

- No!
- Why'd you think

- that was gonna work?
- I don't know! I don't know!

- What do you do when
you're not hosting a show?

- I guess like, you know,
I do like fun things

and I invite people to like come hang.

Like, nobody ever does.

- You guys don't hang
out with the stallion?

Sounds like you need
another person in your town.

- I think I would love
another person in my town.

No, don't! No! Oh my god, oh my god, no!

Okay, hey! Hey! No, no, no, no, no, no!

Okay, come here, hey!
You're okay, you're okay.

- Probably need CPR.
- Yeah, okay.

Here we go, ready, just
like your son, here we go.

Probably the mouth part.

? Stayin' alive, stayin' alive ?

? Ah, ha, ha, ha ?

[JW] The mouth part of CPR.

And we tilt back,

(Anna giggling)
and we tilt back,

and we breath into the mouth.
(Vic softly blows air)

I probably need more air than that.

- [Vic] Three, four, five.
- A tight seal would help.

? Ah ha ha ha ?

? Stayin' alive ?

- [Vic] Okay.
- Tight seal would help.

(Vic takes deep inhale)

(Vic and Anna laughing)
(crew laughing)

Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!

Oh my smokes that brought me back!

You're okay.

You taste like local piss.

(Ana and Vic laugh)

- That's all there is in me.
- Well we made a mess.

(Vic and Ana laughing)

How are we gonna wrap this up? (laugh)

- Hey mister.
- Hey.

Okay, I like where this is going.

Come down to Wickfield,
god, is that the right name?

- [Crew member] It's Wickmore.
- Are we sure?

Come on down to Wickfield,
is that right, Wick Port?

- [Crew member] Wickmore.
- Jesus.

- 1-800-WICKFIELD, no.
- [Crew member] Wickmore.

Are you still...

(laughs) I'm sorry I'm gonna blackout

- I'm Vic Michaelis reminding
you to be true to yourself

unless you'd rather be
somebody else, goodnight.

- [Director] And cut.
- Okay.

Okay, if I can just sort of get

everybody's attention here for a minute.

Time for some sort of like
really forceful honesty

'cause I think that
that's really important

- in sort of creating
- [Director] Okay, Vic.

a good situation.

Just gimme like one second
here, the energy is bad.

Actually, I don't have one second.

- Can I talk to you over here?
- You can in one minute.

We're gonna be here all night.

Vic, Vic, you know what, I don't think

we're gonna be here all night.

No, we're gonna do a meditation session.

- Actually, we're gonna-
- We're gonna get

to the bottom of it,
individual one-on ones.

- We'll go back to it.
- And starting

with you, Danelle because the energy

behind the camera is bad.

Don't point at people in their face.

- Like it's tough and it's just like-

I'm gonna have you take a seat.

- Draggin' down the room.
- Why don't you take a seat?

I need to talk to you for one second.

- I'm talking to the crew.
- You know what,

the crew can take a break, okay?

- I need to chat with you.
- Back here, we're in in 10.

- No.
- Can you say we're in, in 10?

- If you think that what you
just said was appropriate,

you're outta your mind, I don't know-

Radical honesty is hard to hear.

Nobody's gonna get better unless

they know what they need to work on.

- I feel like you think
this is just about today,

but it's not about today.

I mean, I've been getting complaints

from people throughout the whole season.

- About me?
- [Director] Yes.

Wes said that he found you eating

his salad for lunch in his car.

- Who is Wes?
- The PA.

- PA's name is Wes?
- [Director] Eden said,

please stop wearing her jacket.

- I'm wearing it as a joke
and I'm doing it as a bit

'cause Eden always
wears those ugly jackets

and I'm always like, "Oh look, I'm Eden.

"And I'm calling time,"
but everybody loves it.

- It's lightening the room.
- Nobody likes it.

Eric said, please call him Eric

and not E-Dog, he doesn't like it.

- Well, what's wrong with
E-Dog, E-Dog zoom in.

His name is Eric.

- Why are you attacking me?
- I'm not attacking you.

You're literally attacking me right now.

[Director] I'm trying to help you.

I don't wanna be having this
conversation with you, okay?

- This is not fun for me.
- Well, you don't wanna have

a conversation any other time.

I'm constantly calling you,
I'm like, "Hey, let's chat."

And so all of a sudden now we're at work,

and like, now I'm talking to other people

and you're getting what, jealous?

- Okay, I'm not jealous,
you're making it difficult

to talk to you right now.

I came back from Hungary for this.

I care about you and I gave you

a second chance to come back here.

As you know, I am in charge now.

- You care about me?
- Yes, I care about you.

And the way you are acting with everyone

on set is abysmal.

- This is like my dream,
I'm doing my best.

This is nobody's dream, I mean,

maybe it's Eric's dream, I don't know.

- I don't know Eric that well.
- Yeah.

But you think this is my dream?

What, you didn't get your dream?

You're literally the head of news.

You think I wanna be the head of news?

I went to school for
documentary filmmaking.

Is that what you went to school for?

- Yes.
- [Vic] Right.

Oh my god, I get what this is about.

- [Director] Okay, okay.
- I understand.

You're acting out because your father

and I aren't together anymore.

- I don't-
- [Vic] I get it, okay?

It's hard, sometimes daddies
and step people get divorced.

Daddies and step people, okay.

- And it doesn't mean
that we love you any less.

Take it down like seven notches.

- We used to be friends.
- We are friends.

Why do you think I'm taking the time

to sit here and save your job?

What you still think I'm your friend

after I married your dad?

- Well, definitely more of
my friend than my stepparent.

Because you were never
my stepparent in my eyes.

- I was your stepparent
in the eyes of the law.

- Barely, I think you
would've had to adopt me

- for that to be true.
- I would.

Also, I don't talk to my dad that much.

He's fine, but he's
not my favorite person.

So I should have gone for your mom?

Okay, Vic, I feel like you're...

I feel like you're not getting
what I'm trying to say.

What's your dream?

It's my documentary on the history

of the screensaver, I told you this.

- That is a documentary
that you're making?

- [Director] Yeah, well,
I mean, it's a thought.

I thought you made a screensaver.

No, I didn't make a screensaver.

There's like a really rich history

behind the creation of
the screensaver and-

- That's your dream?
- Well, I've been working

on it for the past 15 years, but I-

- Do it.
- I can't do it.

I work here, I run... I run... this.

What if you didn't have to?

- Well, I have to pay bills
and I have to pay for my car.

- I'll do it.
- What do you mean?

I'm already living in the guest house,

what if I just covered the bills?

You're gonna cover all the bills?

What if I cover the bills?

What if instead of like
looking for a new job,

what if, I like did a good job
here and that paid the bills?

God, could I?

I mean, I have all the footage.

I just need to sit behind a computer

for like the next 7 to 10
years and edit it together.

- And... well it's a short.
- 7 to 10 years for that?

- Okay.
- Are you sure

- that you're okay with this?
- Yeah.

It's kind of like the first thing

that I felt really good
about, I think in a long time.

- 'Cause I would love
to take off this blazer.

- Take it off.
- No, no.

I'm not gonna take it off right now.

- Okay yeah, no.
- I'm at work.

- Don't take it off over
here, we're at work.

- But like, get into some
sweatpants and just dive in.

- I mean, I'm gonna make
changes around here, for sure.

- But like, I think-
- Well, you'll have

to still maybe email me about those.

- No 'cause you're not
working here anymore.

You're making a documentary full-time.

- Wow.
- [Vic] Yeah.

You really are okay with this?

Can I give you a hug?

Okay, but not like a stepmom.

- Not like a stepmom
hug, like a friend hug.

- Yeah.
- [Vic] Okay.

- [Director] Okay god,
this did not go like

how I thought it was going to. (chuckles)

- I love you.
- (Director inaudible)

- Okay.
- Okay, well...

- Okay, well yeah-
- Bye.

- Get outta here.
- Okay.

- Okay.
- I'll see you

- through the window at home.
- [Vic] Okay.

That's my best friend.

That's my best friend.

Come on, I got a best friend, yeah!

(gentle music)

Here we go.

(gentle music continues)

(gentle music continues)

(gentle music ends)
(Vic panting)

Can we get back to work please? Thanks.

(crew mumbling directions)

(Vic panting)

Can you keep the fire lanes clear?

(Vic panting continues)

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