Original subtitles

Hi!

Oh, don't look at me like that.

You've got a face like a burst settee.

- I asked for a trim. - You look good.

You look French - which is good.

Hello, uh, Lily, Clary. Sorry.

Uh, bonjour!

I know it's a big ask

but, um, could we possibly swap tables?

It's just that, three years ago, me and Sophie

had our first date sitting where you are now,

and today I'm going to ask her a very important question.

- Ohh... - Yes, yes.

Come on, Clary, let's move.

You get more legroom and we'll have front row seats for the cabaret.

- Good luck, good luck. - Thank you. Thank you.

- Shh! - Oh! She's coming, she's coming.

She's here.

- Sophie! - Oh, Sammy, I have had a day of it.

- I was wondering... - I've just been working on my year three's

- Halloween project. - Sophie...

Did you know, spiders don't have any teeth?

Thank you.

Sophie, there's something I need to say.

I'm all ears.

Um, three years ago, we had our first date - here -

and, well, there's no-one I'd rather have adventures with, so, um...

Um, Sophie Sweetley...

..will you marry me?

Yes! Yes!

APPLAUSE

No! No, stop, thief!

Stop! Stop, thief!

HE GROANS

- My hero! - So you didn't catch him, then?

No. Not even Usain Bolt could have caught him,

and I'm not Usain Bolt.

- Oh! - Well, on the plus side, she did say yes.

Oh, yes. No, I know, I know.

But that man - I mean, he's ruined Sophie's special moment.

Yeah. He won't get away with it. Newton's third law -

every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

Karma, in't it?

CHILD: # One, two We caught up with you

# Three, four Now you'll steal no more

# Five, six For your dirty tricks

# Seven, eight You have met your fate. #

# The ghouls all came from their humble abode

# To get a jolt from my electrodes

# They did the...

ALL SINGING ALONG: # ..mash Monster mash

# The monster mash. #

Anyway, this scumbag got away with three handbags,

two phones, and a mobility scooter outside the bingo.

ALL: # Awoo! #

Good morning.

Oh, Sophie. I heard. What an absolute tragedy.

I assume the engagement's off now?

No. Why would it be?

Well, you might be cursed.

Let's, erm... Let's get your gown on. Why would you say that?

How are you doing?

Oh. Not bad. I just... I can't believe someone would steal a ring

in broad daylight.

- I know. It's such a bobby dazzler as well. - Yeah.

Belonged to Sammy's grandmother, and it was completely irreplaceable.

- But on the bright side, I'm getting married. - BOTH:

Yeah. And I've asked my friend Venetia to be maid of honour.

I think maybe a big bouncy blowout for her.

BELL RINGS

Oh. Hello, Sammy.

- Hello. - My Sammy, husband-to-be.

Hiya.

- Are you OK? - Oh, you know, mustn't grumble.

Just trying to channel my energy into something positive.

So, uh, can I leave some flyers?

Yeah. Whatever for?

Well, as you may know, I run the neighbourhood watch scheme,

so I've teamed up with the local estate agents

to form a Halloween Action Group - HAG.

- None taken. - We've got a meeting tonight at eight.

I hope to see you there.

- Oh. Can I have two? - Of course.

- Thank you. - Start with this one. We should head off.

Yes. Oh, one more thing -

Could you pay a visit to my grandmother?

She's housebound because somebody stole her scooter.

- WHISPERS: - The mobility scooter. - And I know she'd love a haircut.

Yeah, sure. Just give me address and time, I'll be there.

- Lovely. - OK, let's go. Lots to plan.

- Hi. - Sorry we don't keep cash in the house.

No, I've got an appointment with Mrs Marigold.

And you are?

Lily. Lily Petal.

Is Mrs Marigold expecting you?

Yeah. Well, very much hope so.

Her grandson's arranged for me to cut her hair.

Do you have any identification?

Moses, leave the lady alone.

Come on in, love.

I guess you can come in.

Thanks. Right.

Thank you very much.

Miss Margaret Marigold.

I can introduce myself, you know, Moses.

Lily Petal. I am here to attend to your crowning glory.

Oh, wonderful.

Because, as you can see, my hairdo is more of a hair-don't.

No.

Well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow.

I'm counting the moments.

Me too.

- Goodbye. - Ah, he's a lovely lad.

Right, so I need somewhere to set up my salon.

Well, it's a bit cluttered round here.

I can't manage the stairs any more, you know.

- It's OK. - But maybe you could set up in the kitchen.

- Great. - But sit down. Move the cat.

OK.

Hey. Oh...

- He's 77. - What?

Oh, in cat years?

No, he was stuffed 60 years ago.

You mean he's dead?

Well, what do you think?

Move him.

Careful!

My late husband, Tarquin, was an extremely accomplished

taxidermist. A miracle worker.

The immortal Mr Marigold - that's what they called him.

And do they feel like good company, these animals, or...?

No, they're dead.

Yeah.

Anyway, I don't need company.

I have my grandson and his fiancee,

- and Moses. - Mm.

And the people at the top of the stairs.

I'm sorry, I thought you lived here alone.

So did I,

but there's a strange bunch of folk who moved in upstairs.

What kind of folk?

Well, I think they're a religious cult,

because I hear them talking in tongues

and chanting strange numbers.

- PORTENTOUSLY: - 500,000, 600,000.

And then I hear the chime of the temple bell

and smell a beautiful sweetness.

And are they up there now?

Yeah, I think they probably are.

Maybe you could have a word with them.

About what?

Ask them to keep the noise down, for one.

And I don't mind them living above me,

but I don't want them coming down here.

Right.

Oh, hello?

Hello?

Hello, is anyone here?

TAP DRIPS

SHE GASPS

Hello, Mr Badger. Rough night?

What's in here? More antique roadkill?

Are you OK, Lily? Is there anybody there?

No, I think we're all right.

She asked me to go upstairs, and so I went upstairs.

And was anyone there?

No-one living.

No-one, then.

Clary, I stepped into that room and I felt the most almighty chill.

There have been loads of research studies into this.

When people visit a house that they believe to be "haunted",

they often report a sudden drop in temperature - "an icy chill".

Because ghosts absorb heat when they're trying to manifest.

Ghosts aren't real.

What if I told you I'd seen one?

Have...you seen one?

No, but I used to cut the hair of the next-door neighbour

of the Enfield Poltergeist,

and she told me that her house was always freezing.

There is no sudden drop in temperature.

When we feel fear, we produce adrenaline

as part of our fight-or-flight response,

and it's the adrenaline that makes you feel a bit shivery.

Bit of a buzzkill, Clary.

- Anyway, you'll have a chance to see for yourself. - Why?

She's asked us to dye her hair green for Halloween.

Well, no-one should do that.

MUSIC: Ghost Town by The Specials

MUSIC CONTINUES QUIETLY

Well, this is both more and less than I imagined.

Hello, guys.

Cup of tea? Coffee? Ovaltine?

BOTH: Tea, please.

Hi, ladies!

Wincey! This is a bit previous, isn't it?

Well, I thought I'd give her a trial run, you know?

Yeah. This is holding up well, though, isn't it?

Yeah. It's defying the laws of gravity.

I'm not sure it'll survive overnight, though.

How are you going to sleep? Upside down like a bat?

Oh, well, I'll just pull an all-nighter.

You look absolutely hideous, Wincey.

Oh, Clary. Stop it.

See you later. Hello!

Lily. Clary. Do you want to... Do you want to join me?

- We can grab a few biscuits. - No.

Sorry, what?

It's one biscuit per person.

Custard cream or fig roll.

Them's the rules.

Right. Well, I suppose this is about law and order,

so, um, would you like to join me

and we can all have...a biscuit?

- Hello. - Hi. - I know you!

I've seen you down at your salon, crimping and styling.

Well, that certainly sounds like me.

And how are you finding life in Blossom Vale?

Is it everything you hoped and dreamed of?

Oh, no complaints. I love it.

Mm-hm. Well, if you do get cold feet,

now is a very good time to sell.

And your salon does represent

an excellent commercial/residential opportunity.

Well, that's very reassuring/not at all interesting,

because I'm very happy.

- I love it. - Ah!

- Venetia! - Oh, darling.

I see you two have met. Venetia is an estate agent.

- Yeah, I got that. - Yeah. And she's my maid of honour,

so you two will be spending a lot of time together.

- Can't wait. - See what I mean about the slightly limp hair?

- Yeah. A bouncy blow. - Yes, please.

I'm going to go grab a seat, get a prime position.

Have you done something with your hair? It's...

Yes.

I like it. It's nice.

Really?

Yeah. I'm coming round to it.

METAL CLANGS

Hello, everybody.

Thank you all so much for coming.

Now, as you know, crime can be devastating on people's lives

and their mental health and on property prices,

so it is my great honour to introduce to you

the head of the local neighbourhood watch - Mr Samuel Marigold.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. Good evening.

Recently, I proposed marriage to the girl of my dreams, Sophie.

APPLAUSE

It was a magical moment, until one man stole a ring

that's been in my family for three generations.

But it's not just about the value of the thing you've lost.

Crime has a way of changing people.

It seeps into your soul.

DOG BARKS

Sorry, love, wrong house. Sorry, sorry.

KNOCKS ON DOOR

That's why Halloween seems such a bad idea this year.

But I will be setting up a task force -

volunteers in high-vis jackets with loudspeakers,

enforcing discipline on the trick or treaters.

PHONE BEEPS

Who would like to sign up?

I would love to hold your loudspeaker.

It's a yes!

Right. Sophie?

Oh, sorry. I've got a food delivery. I've got to run.

You were amazing. Your speech was magnificent.

I love you.

- WHISPERS: - I told you she was cursed.

Anyone else?

Mr Marigold, I really think it's brilliant

that you're trying to help out,

- but we don't want to antagonise... - Well, what's the alternative?!

Oh, OK. Um...

Well, we.... We could do something that brings the community together.

- Right. - So if we went trick or treating,

- you know, it would be done responsibly. - Right.

..we could just have a party.

We could have a hair-lo-ween party.

- That's very good. - We can have a hair 'um scare 'um

scary hair party.

I can open up the salon and I can help with hair and make-up.

- Exhibit A. - Mm. - And we can all go

And then after that, bats, cats, ghouls in hats -

everyone onto the dance floor for a disco.

APPLAUSE

So I think maybe we all need to take a breath.

Would you like a cup of tea?

Yes, please.

CLEARS THROAT

Hey, Sammy. I hope you didn't feel that we were treading on your toes.

No. No, not at all.

To be honest, I think you saved me from myself.

I've been getting a bit worked up lately.

Well, it's understandable.

Oh, granny loves her haircut, by the way.

- Yeah? - Yeah. Said you were a real artist.

Like Salvador Dali with styling mousse.

I'll take it. Hey, I did want to talk to you about something.

- Mm? - Has she ever spoken to you about the people living upstairs?

Oh, yes. Frequently.

And?

Oh, well, I've told her before,

only three people have a key to that house -

me, Sophie and Moses.

As for the people upstairs, well, they live in her imagination.

Mm.

Excuse me.

Hello. I wondered how I might acquire a riot shield.

- Uh... - Possibly two or three. - Erm...

This is amazing. Is this a sparrow hawk?

- It is. - It is.

Its life cut short by my ginger tom, Tiddles,

who is now curled up on the sofa.

Right. So I'll just go and mix up my magic potion.

Do you have to?

No. Sorry, have I misunderstood? I thought we were going green today.

Well. The thing is...

..I don't want to shut my eyes because I'm terrified

of what I might see when I open them again.

Oh, Mrs Marigold.

They came back. There's a man and a woman,

and they got into some kind of skirmish.

She was screaming.

Oh, she was screaming her head off.

And I yelled at them to stop.

And then there was the most terrifying silence.

And did someone go upstairs to see?

Moses. He said there was no-one there.

And then he took me out to the bingo and I won �50.

So it wasn't all bad.

Well, it sounds as if whoever was up there has scarpered, so...

PING

What?

Did you hear that?

- Hear what? - The pinging noise.

Oh. That's the temple bell.

They use that in their sacred rituals.

Hang on.

Have you got any large carnivores?

Hey, Owl Pacino, have you seen anything?

No. Anyone else? Foxy music? Creepy kids?

Right.

FREEZER BUZZES

SIREN WAILS

I've got you...

..a nice cup of tea.

There we go.

- Thank you. - That's all right.

How are you doing?

You never get used to seeing dead bodies.

Did you... Did you notice that he was all covered in dust?

- Really? - Yeah, like black dust.

It was like he'd been sprinkled with black pepper or something.

Are you saying it's cannibalism?

I don't... I don't actually know why I said that.

Tell you what, though, I couldn't swear it,

but he looked very like the guy who stole Sophie's engagement ring.

Yeah, it was. And everything else that's gone missing around here.

I think that this was his hiding place,

and then somebody found him and carried out some vigilante justice.

- OVER RADIO: - PC Watson, come in.

Right, I better get back.

Right. Here we are.

That's very hot.

- All right? - Leave it there.

You see - I knew there was something going on in this house,

and now they're making human sacrifices.

I'm sorry, Granny. I should have listened.

You know, it's ridiculous you living here

in this great big house on your own.

Sophie always says you should downsize.

Oh, she does, does she?

Naughty little mare.

She'd love to get her hands on my title deeds.

- What? - I'm not moving.

You can sell this place over my dead body.

Right.

- Any news? - Not really. He's still dead.

Right.

Hey, did you ever find out about that pinging noise?

No, I didn't.

And there is one more place I could look.

Hey, can you keep him talking?

SHE CLEARS THROAT

Adam.

- Hello. - Hey. - How...

Yeah, yeah. No, no, no, not bad. CSI just...

- CSI? As in the American television franchise. - Yeah, we...

Oh, yes. It's in the van.

OK. Hold on.

We used to call them scene of crime officers,

but CSI has greater public recognition.

Toffee?

MOSES SHOUTS

Moses! Moses! Flaming Moses!

- What is this stuff? - Don't worry, It's hairspray. It's mainly alcohol

- with a twist of vitamin B5. - What are you doing here?

What are YOU doing, squirrelling yourself away up in the eaves?

I've been living here for six weeks.

Ever since they put the rent up on my last place.

It was either here or underneath the railway arches.

Oh. Fair enough.

Microwave - your ping gave you away.

Oh, I was heating up my sticky toffee pudding.

And I am a sticky toffee pudding-seeking missile.

- Please, come in. - Yeah, sticky toffee pudding has got me through

many a long, dark night of the soul.

Me too.

I hate to break it to you, Moses, but I do not think Mrs Marigold's

family are going to be best pleased that you're here.

Mrs Marigold's family do not even take proper care of her,

but I am able to watch over her all through the night.

How do you do that, exactly?

Oh, I have a baby monitor.

Oh.

- CLARY: - What exactly is the difference between

a coroner and a pathologist?

That's my girl.

So, hang on - you've been here six weeks, you say?

- Yes. - And in that time, have you seen or heard

anything out of the ordinary?

No. Why, what happened?

Someone's been murdered, Moses.

And their body has been stashed in the deep freeze

in the taxidermy room.

No, no, I know nothing of this. What happened? Who was it?

I don't know. Have you heard anything? Not even on that?

No. I work 35-hour weeks, do lots of community activities,

and also take Mrs Marigold to bingo.

I think you're going to have to speak to the police, Moses.

- They need to know who was living in the house. - Are the police here now?

Yes, downstairs.

I'll take you down.

Wait, erm...

The hatch in the door is a little tricky to open.

I wouldn't want you to hurt yourself.

Thank you. Moses. Chivalry's not dead.

Of course not.

Moses! Moses, you rat bag!

Oh, Moses, you daft apeth.

Don't run away!

They'll think it's you!

MUSIC: Rock The Casbah by The Clash

All right, Clary, you want something?

- SHOUTING: - I would like some answers, please. Can I speak to Venetia?

Can I speak to Venetia, please?

Oh, did somebody say my name?

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

Hello.

I'm just a bit surprised to see a picture of Mrs Marigold's house

in your window.

Oh, don't be surprised.

We often put pictures of houses in our windows.

Yes. It's just that she said that she would never, ever move,

and they would sell that house over her dead body.

Oh, I know. Old people can be so stuck in their ways sometimes,

can't they? Bless their little mobility scooters.

I think you're selling her house when she doesn't want it sold.

I see the dilemma.

Well, we haven't actually drawn up contracts,

but we often put houses on our list

just to test the market.

And if someone makes an offer?

Then I shall have to pay Mrs Marigold a visit.

I can be very persuasive.

I mean, that is outrageous.

I know. Thanks for coming. We'll see you next time.

Thanks very much.

I think they're trying to force her out.

Oh! I mean, I know she can't get upstairs and the place looks like

Beatrix Potter's garage, but it is her decision to make.

Have you got a minute?

Because I have just made the most marvellous wedding moodboard.

- Lily? - Sorry, my mind was on something else.

Oh, not that awful incident at Sammy's grandmother's house?

No, I was actually thinking about those voices that she heard.

You know, incanting the strange numbers - 500,000, 600,000.

That was you and Venetia, wasn't it?

Discussing how much you'd get for the place.

OK, we may have had the odd chinwag.

Just run a few numbers up the flagpole.

But it's not your house.

Yes, but Sammy lives in his parents' old place,

which is literally falling apart.

It's full of holes. It's never even had central heating.

And she lives in something resembling

a Hammer House of Horrors.

Now, you see, if they both sold up, we could all buy

something lovely, with a granny flat.

Yeah, but she doesn't want to sell.

Yes, but she's going to have to stop being so stubborn

and give me what I want.

I want to be warm and safe...

..and live somewhere that doesn't have silverfish

scuttling up the walls.

Is that really too much to ask?

Sammy, it's great news, isn't it,

that the police recovered all that stolen property?

Including your grandmother's ring.

I know, I know. I might propose all over again.

THEY LAUGH

Oh! Look at that dinky little street lamp.

Oh, no. It's been smashed.

Who would do something like that?

I have no idea. And it's Sammy's house as well. Did you know?

- No! - Yeah. Yeah, I've been trying to get him to fix the lamp

for ages, but he won't do anything about it.

He's very sexy, but completely useless.

Well, I suppose that's the right way round.

Sorry, everyone, it's my grandmother's house.

- I don't think she'll want to be bothered. - Shall we go there?

Are you sure about that? The house is giving off

some pretty solid trick-or-treat-me vibes.

Well, at least we know what she did with her bingo winnings.

It's super creepy.

- ALL: - Trick or treat!

Hello, children.

Who wants to chew on one of my chocolate fingers?

Chopped from the hand of the man

they found DEAD in my freezer?

SHE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

THEY SCREAM

SHE COUGHS

Is she OK?

Mrs Marigold.

Hello. Out of the way, please. Move!

Moses, you came back.

Dear lady, I have never been away.

I have been watching over your house,

keeping an eye on everyone who comes and goes.

Please wait. You can arrest me in one minute.

I must attend to Mrs Marigold.

OK. Yeah, yeah. OK, OK.

Lily...

Clary, phone an ambulance.

Dracula, go and get a chair.

And, zombie, a glass of water, please.

I have your angina spray.

Open wide.

Now close.

Oh, Moses, you're an angel.

I would not go that far.

But I am not a murderer.

Though someone amongst you definitely is.

So, everyone, please, be careful.

And happy Halloween.

Take your time.

Moses, can I have a word? Just this way.

Moses...

Mrs Marigold, you get some rest now.

OK, now we KNOW it wasn't Moses.

How do we know that?

Because he came back. I mean, I know he ran away to start with,

but he's on a temporary work visa.

He's terrified of getting into trouble.

OK.

So, was it Sammy?

Mr Law And Order turned vigilante...

Possibly.

Or...Sophie.

Won't rest until she has her own house.

KEYS RATTLE IN LOCK

Darlings.

Oh. You two.

What have you come as?

You look marvellous.

- Really? - Sophie, darling!

Sammy, darling!

Mwah! Mwah!

Now, how is the grand old lady?

Well, you know, Gran, she always pulls through.

I think we could all do with some liquid refreshment.

Hang on a minute.

Kettle on.

SHE SCOFFS

They need an app!

Ugh!

Do you want a hand?

You just... I think you just put it on the hob, like that.

And then turn that on.

- Yeah? - Oh.

It's one of those.

Bit before my time.

Hey, I really like your earrings.

Oh. Thank you. A little man in Marrakech runs them out for me.

I found one very similar to that just the other day.

Did you? Well, I lost one. Where did you find it?

Here. Upstairs.

Yeah, I found it the day I found the body in the freezer.

Mrs Marigold said she heard a woman scream,

and then silence.

That was you, wasn't it?

Oh, God!

You really are a clever little crimper.

Ugh! I knew I'd get caught eventually.

Look, it's not something that I normally do. It's just...

Maybe it's this house - all the stuffed animals, raaaaah!

Turns me into a bit of an animal.

Yeah, well, we all do things, don't we, when we feel under threat.

I'll come with you and I'll talk to the police.

The police? I don't want them to know.

I've got a reputation to maintain!

- I'm sorry, what do you think you did? - Sorry?

Listen, you know the young man who's been working for my company?

- Yeah. - Work experience.

We have been getting on rather well, and my job has been to mentor him.

It's just that recently, I've started

mentoring his brains out.

Oh. Oh, I see.

I mean, you see, he lives with his dad

and I live with Mother, so there isn't really any for us

to go to get to know each other better, except...

KEYS JANGLE

..estate agent.

- Yeah. - I do have rather a lot of keys.

Just must have got the dates wrong because I thought

it was her bingo day and we were upstairs cavorting, canoodling.

- BANGING - Get out! Get out of my house!

Hey, uh, did you just hear a woman screaming?

Yes, it was ME!

I know it was really unprofessional, but it just felt SO good.

OK, but did you see or hear anything suspicious?

No, I was not concentrating.

We just popped on our clothes and pegged it out the back door.

You won't tell anyone, will you?

I'll say no, but I'll be honest, I know myself...

- ..I think I probably will. - Oh!

But I'll change the names.

Can't believe no-one's guessed who we are.

So you don't think it was her, then?

No. I mean, she's done a lot of things,

but not murder.

It's so frustrating.

Every time you think you're getting close to it,

the rug gets pulled out from under you.

Rug.

Yeah, it's a figure of speech...

No, I know what it is.

When I found the body,

there was this manky old rug in front of the freezer,

and it definitely wasn't there the time before.

- Are you sure? - Positive.

Because when I was going home from work the other day,

I saw two people carrying a rolled-up rug.

What did they look like?

A mummy and a werewolf.

Hello. Would you like a hand?

Suit yourselves.

I thought it was something for Halloween.

- Clary... - Yeah.

- ..go and get Adam... - Yeah.

..and tell him he might need backup.

Oh. What happened to Venetia?

Oh, she's gone to do some human resources troubleshooting.

Right.

- Curly Wurly? - Oh, no, I don't eat sugar.

- How about you? - Oh, no, I couldn't eat.

Right. No. Well, it's been a very intense few days, in't it?

- Mm-hm. - Yeah.

It feels like a month since you got down on one knee.

One of the happiest moments of my life.

It's funny how things can change.

Yeah. At the Halloween action meeting, you said that crime

changes people.

What did you mean by that?

- Um... - Lily, love, it's been a very long day.

Can we just sit in a moment of peace?

No, no, it's all right.

Um, it's just that crime, it makes you harder,

more on edge,

more suspicious.

That is exactly what's been puzzling me.

Yeah, because at the meeting, you suddenly said that you had to go.

Sorry. I've got a food delivery. I've got to run.

I love you.

I was just thinking, well, if that was me,

I would never leave at just that moment.

Not just to get my shopping.

So where did I go, then?

Drive-by shooting? Bank robbery?

SAMMY LAUGHS

If I were going to guess,

I would say that this wedding is keeping you going, isn't it?

And that man has cast a terrible shadow over.

It must have been so upsetting for you to think he was

still out and about.

So I'd guess...

..that you laid a trap.

SHE COUGHS

- You all right? - No, I'm fine. - I'll get you some water.

No! Don't you dare leave me!

- You sure you don't want a boiled sweet? - No.

So you knew that half of Blossom Vale were going to be

at the meeting, and he would be out and about looking for easy pickings.

But how did you lure him to your house in particular?

I think it's to do with that smashed lamp.

SOPHIE COUGHS

- WHISPERS: - Shut up.

Come on, Sammy. Game's up.

Well, I mean, as you know,

I run the neighbourhood watch scheme,

telling people how not to be burgled.

Always make sure your front door is well lit.

Never leave a key under a flowerpot.

And I came to think, well,

what if I wanted to be burgled?

I'd just do the opposite.

So I smashed that street lamp...

..knowing that the darkness

would lure our sticky-fingered friend to his fate.

And what was that fate?

Adam said he was covered in black dust.

You said that Sammy's house didn't have any central heating

and it was full of holes.

I think he stepped into one of them.

HE SHOUTS

Argh!

He fell down, down, down...

..into - did you have a coal cellar?

Maybe he did. It's a shame he didn't carry on falling -

all the way to hell.

He'd have got more sympathy in hell.

But, guys, what was the plan?

What were you going to do? You were going to call the police?

Or were you just going to give him a talking-to?

I just wanted him to understand.

To know how much pain he caused us.

Oh, God.

Hi, there.

Please - you need to get me an ambulance.

Oh, I don't need to do anything.

Please, I'm in agony!

- Yeah. - Wait! No!

HE GROANS

Please.

I guess I could help you, but unfortunately,

I don't want to.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

- You stay right there. - Argh!

Please.

I'm in so much pain.

- Please. - Well, then you know what it feels like to be me.

The girl who was never picked at the school disco.

I had no friends.

People used to tease me because my hands were so big.

And then one day I met someone wonderful,

and for the first time in my life, I was happy.

But that ring you stole, he was holding it

because he'd just asked me to marry him.

Poor bloke.

He wants to have his head examined!

SHE SCREAMS

Sorry. Sorry, I just...

I'm just feeling a little faint.

Ooh!

So now you've got the problem of the body.

Now, I've seen a few of those

and I know they go off quite quickly.

- We made it. Yeah. - To the left. To the left.

- Yeah. Ready? - Yeah.

But luckily, you've got access to a deep freeze

and a handy rug to carry him in.

THEY STRAIN

I'm no man's judge.

We've all dreamed of taking the law into our own hands,

but you just... You're never going to get away with it.

What? Well, why not?

Oh, come on.

The police are going to look at the door-cam footage,

then they're going to examine the rug and the body for DNA.

Yours is going to be all over them.

It just would be so much better if YOU went to THEM.

I know.

I'll go quietly.

It was all my idea.

I dragged Sophie into it and she begged me not to.

But it's all my fault.

What are you talking about?

No, it was all me.

You just said we should shove him in the cellar and get the police.

It was my idea to put an end to him.

Please, Sophie, you don't have to take all the blame.

- We did this together. - Yes, I know,

but one of us has got to go to prison.

If we both go, we might never see each other again.

- I see. - But if it's just me, well, you can come and visit me -

every day - and if I get a sympathetic governor,

well, we can even get married in prison.

Won't that be wonderful?

No...?

I mean, you can't still think we're really getting married.

Oh, why wouldn't I? You asked me, and I said yes.

- Yes, I do still love you. - Mm-hm?

But, I mean, it's really taken a shine off it.

What?

I just battered a man's brains out - for you!

- OK. - No, I will be walking up that aisle.

- No, no, no! - Even if I have to do it in handcuffs!

- Sophie, get off me. - No, no, no! Don't leave me!

Samuel Marigold, I'm arresting you on suspicion of assisting a murder.

SHE CRIES

Let her cry it out.

Sophie Sweetley, I'm arresting you on suspicion of murder.

CLOCK CHIMES

FANCY HORN SOUNDS

Please, slow down! Please!

THEY LAUGH

FANCY HORN SOUNDS

Mrs Marigold, please!

Mrs Marigold!

I got my chariot back!

Nothing can stop me now.

- Great. - Mrs Marigold, I do not mind you driving on the road,

but, please, stick to the left-hand side.

Spoilsport.

Hey, it's lovely to see you. Why don't you come into the warm?

- Oh. Yes, please. - Yeah?

So this is the salon.

Oh, I love this.

Oh, this is lovely.

Now, am I pleased to see you, because I went past your house

this morning and there was a For Sale sign.

Well, I hate to say it because I never liked her,

but Sophie was right about one thing -

that house was way too big for me.

So I am moving into a bijou bungalow...

- ..with Moses. - Oh, really?

I have thought about it long and hard,

but if we stick to a set of house rules,

we'll be able to get along.

THEY LAUGH

So could you take all this muck out of my hair?

Because I don't want to give him nightmares.

- Yes. - Oh, um...

Let me take your coat.

Might take some time, though.

Well, sure, I'm in no hurry.

Let's get that music up.

MUSIC VOLUME INCREASES

SINGING ALONG: # In my mind I know you're gone,

# But my heart keeps holding on

# To the memories of those happy times

# To the love that once was mine

# Though we're far apart You're always in my heart... #

- You dancing? - No idea what's going on.

You get used to it.

That's very good.

THEY LAUGH

# It keeps on haunting me

# Just keeps on reminding me

# I just keep hearing... #

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