Original subtitles

So, looking ahead, all those storm clouds will sashay away,

leaving skies of blue over Wigan and Crewe.

And you won't need your woolly vest on in Preston!

HE LAUGHS

See you soon.

Ta-ra for now!

Back to you in the studio.

And clear.

Simon, anything you care to share?

- Sorry? - You were on your phone for my whole piece to camera.

I was giving my all and you were...God knows where.

- Sorry, I was just... - I suppose you were looking for a new job.

And as of tomorrow, you'll need one. Ta-ta!

Well, that seemed to go rather well.

I don't need validation from you, Suzie.

- And what are you going to do about the lint on my kecks? - Oh, sorry.

This week would be great!

- You're all sorted for next week's book launch. - Mm-hm.

Yeah, that is what I pay you for.

I've found a lovely motel, all en suite and spa bath.

Yes, well, after a long day meeting Joe Public,

one does need to exfoliate.

SHE CHUCKLES

Such a sweet part of the country.

- And the weather should be nice. - Mm.

Oh, no, Suzie,

when I show up,

there will be storm clouds.

Huh!

CHURCH BELLS RING

BANGING AND DRILLING

- Wincey? - Shirley.

- Lily. - Clary.

There's a man in there with a power tool.

- I've just been looking through the crack. - A bit early for that,

isn't it?!

THEY LAUGH

We were just wondering what was happening in there.

- It's been going on since the year dot. - Oh!

Ah! All right, Gloria, how are you?

Not bad.

Still breathing.

- Oh. - This is Clary and Lily, the new hairdressers.

- SHE WHISPERS: - Look at her hair!

- Hiya. - We went to the farm shop the other day. It was closed.

Haven't you heard?

- I've sold up, sold farm. - Oh! I thought farming was in

- your blood. - Oh, no. I was never a farmer. I was a farmer's wife.

Until Steve went and...

BOTH: Oh!

Anyway, I can't stand here gassing.

- We've got a book signing to go to. - Oh, that funny weather fella?

I forgot he's in town today.

So what are you thinking, if not farming?

I'll show you, if you like.

- Oh, so this is yours? - It is.

Congratulations!

Hey, we should start a Women's Business Breakfast.

Oh! This is amazing!

What is it?

Well, it's either the start of a brand-new business venture

- or a great big money pit. - Well, yeah.

But I'm not doing it alone.

This is Brian Parkinson.

Also known as Parky the Sparky.

- Hello! - Hi. - Parky's my electrical

So don't go licking your fingers and sticking them in the sockets!

- Ha! - And over there's Hugh Fletcher.

Hugh the Handyman.

Very handy. I live just round the corner!

I love the ceramic tiling.

Especially the way the colour of the grouting complements

- the colour of the tiles. - You noticed my grouting?

No-one's ever noticed my grouting before.

Hold on a minute.

Now, if you're looking for a certain colour to offset

the earth tones...I think it's your eyes.

You don't mind, do you, um...?

Clary. Go for it.

Pistachio.

- Lovely... - That's another one completely smitten.

So, it's some kind of eatery?

Yeah. Well, I may have sold the farm,

but I'm still in the dairy industry. Huh!

This place is going to be an ice cream parlour,

and I'm calling it...

Of course you are.

Oh! After the famous 1920s dessert,

which was named after The Knickerbocker Hotel,

- in Manhattan. - I really need this place to be a success.

I want a big, glamorous gala opening.

The trouble is, glamour and me, we don't get on.

Well, Clary and I can help with that.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I don't think I'm brave enough for a fancy hairdo.

Trust me, with the right hairdo,

you'd be brave enough for anything.

Ladies and gentlemen,

for your delight and delectation,

I give you...

..my magnum opus.

HE BREATHES SHARPLY

Oh, Suzie!

HE CLICKS FINGERS

- Hello! - Suzie - lint, trousers!

My magnum... Uh!

My magnum opus.

Front and back.

- Oh! Are we interrupting something? - Oh.

Ha, ha! No, just a minor wardrobe malfunction.

- He looks much smaller in real life. - Yeah.

He does have nice ears, though.

Yeah, and surprisingly, they can hear you!

- Have a pew. - Oh.

CHURCH BELLS RING

Right, Gloria,

let's give you some va-va-voom! MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY IN BACKGROUND

What I want to do is I want to bring some lift into

this fringe here. You know, defying all the laws of gravity

because, as we both know, Isaac Newton was a bit of a wazzock!

- I'm not sure I'm ready for anything too radical. - Really?

Well, you're the boss, but life's too short to have

boring hair, Gloria. You could just think of this as

lifting up the curtain and saying, "Hello, world, I'm back!"

Yeah. I suppose it's about time I did that.

I've spent most of my life in the shadows.

Really? Was it that bad, being a farmer's wife?

Steve wasn't the worst husband in the world.

Ooh! Well, that's hardly a ringing endorsement!

He just had his way of doing things,

and I had to go along with it.

Was it just you two?

We never got round to having kiddies.

But there were always lots of young people working on the farm.

Parky and Hugh, they both used to do jobs for us,

so it's lovely I can find work for them now.

In that way, I've been blessed.

"And so, I find myself hurtling towards the age of 30,

"and I won't say from which direction!"

HE CHUCKLES

Um...

HE CLEARS THROAT

"There have been clouds in my life,

"both cumulus and nimbostratus.

"Heartache, force nine on the Richter scale.

"But despite all of these storms,

"I see sunny days ahead.

"So I will press on...

"..whatever the weather."

- Has he finished? - I assume so, since he's finished talking.

APPLAUSE

Yeah, thank...

Thank you. Thank you, everyone.

You've been...an audience.

Now, if you'd like to get your book signed,

it makes for the most marvellous present.

Birthdays. Christmas.

Bar mitzvah!

HE SIGHS Oh, hello there! What's your name?

Erm, er, Wincey. Ha!

Is the "Oh, erm" part of it?

No!

- No, no. - Lid.

"To the wonderful, winsome Wincey."

Oh, I'm sorry.

I don't... I don't want to buy the book.

I just wanted to look at it.

Thanks.

SHE CHUCKLES

HE SIGHS

Why, in the name of Barbara Taylor Bradford,

did you bring me to this godforsaken hellhole?!

I didn't! I still don't understand why you chose to come here.

Oh! Never mind!

Do you know, I have poured blood

and sweat and tears into this book.

This book is literally my insides,

- smeared across 265 pages! - Oh, it's not that bad.

I know it's not! It's a masterpiece!

And all we've managed to achieve so far is one random copy,

- covered in scribble. - I'll see if they've got some Tipp-Ex.

Huh! That would not fix,

or cover up, all the mess that you've made.

Nah. No, there's only one way for me to fix things.

You're fired!

- What?! - You heard!

Fired!

MUSIC: Lost In Music by Sister Sledge

AEROSOL SPRAYS

# Caught in a trap

# I'm caught up in it

# No turnin' back... #

Oh, my! I look like an ice cream!

Is it too much?

- It's not enough! - We can always add sprinkles!

- # We're lost in music - Da-da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da

# Feel so alive

- # I quit - I quit

# My nine-to-five

# We're lost in music

# Lost in music... #

# We're lost in music... #

I don't know how to repay you.

Well, call me old-fashioned, but I do tend to ask for money

- at this stage. - Of course!

GLORIA CHUCKLES

# We're lost in music... #

Just one more thing.

Could I invite the pair of you to my parlour?

I'll give you some free ice cream.

I just need some advice on decor

- and finishing touches. - I'd love to.

You had me at "free ice cream"!

# We're lost in music... #

SHOP BELL RINGS

# Caught in a trap

# No turnin' back... #

- Oh! - I'm so sorry!

No, don't touch them! They're meant

- to be in mint condition. - Oh!

That looks an interesting book.

Yeah, well, it's by a very interesting person.

Oh! You're...

- ..Jonty Starr. - Mm. Indeed. You've probably seen my face

- on television. - I haven't got a telly.

Look, I'm about to open an ice cream parlour,

- and I'd love to give you a free ice cream to say sorry. - Well, um, I....

- Gloria Crudd? - That's right,

but you can call me Knickerbocker Gloria!

Ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, no.

I'll be getting so much more than free ice cream!

Huh!

HE CHUCKLES

No, that's fine, Mrs Gillespie, your Bichon Frise must come first.

Yeah, no... Right.

OK, so we'll see you in a month, then. Ta-ra!

- So annoying! - What is? - Well, cancellation.

We could have caught tail end of the book signing, after all!

Hello there! My name is Jonty Starr, but you probably know that already.

- I do know that! - Mm.

"Let's take a look at all the drizzle and mizzle. Ooh!

"I've got hailstones the size of tennis balls!

"Read my eyes...

"..obars!"

LILY LAUGHS

It's the weatherman.

Sorry, I've got an app for that.

Oh. Have you, indeed?

So what, er, services do you offer?

Dry cut, wet cut, styling, setting,

- colouring. - Balayage, bleaching, colour correction, conditioning.

- Indian head massage. - Brazilian blow-dry. - Mm.

- Yes, please. - To what? - Everything.

# Something tells me

# Something's gonna happen to you

# The smile on my face is the smile you will wear in a moment or two

# So get it together

# You see it's gonna be all right

# Something tells me

# Something's gonna happen tonight... #

There we go! As requested,

- one ma-hoo-sive and super-stiff quiff! - Yeah!

Wow! Very impressive!

You've exceeded my - admittedly, rather low - expectations. Ha!

- Ha-ha! - I can do that. - Oh, thank you.

Right, so we have this funny little hairdresser ritual.

What is it we say at this point?

- Oh, yeah - cash or card? - Oh! Ha-ha!

- I don't think so. - What?

Well, I haven't paid for a haircut in over a decade.

Of course, if you wish to take a picture for the wall, that's worth

so much more than money. You, er,

- have been visited by a star. - The thing is,

all my customers are stars.

- Hmm... - Yeah. Yeah,

I value every head I have the privilege to work on,

but if this place is to keep going,

- folk do need to give us some brass. - Mm.

OK, um... Ha! Let me, uh...

Let me put this in words you'll understand.

I am an actual star.

I reach millions of people on the telly.

I do blogs and podcasts.

And if you insist on asking me for money,

I'll say things about this place -

online, or on air -

and your little...salon

might not be around very much longer.

Fine.

- Shut the door on your way out. - Mm-hm.

Door!

SHOP BELL RINGS

Oh, Lily, that was awful.

You gave him a lovely do. He... He should have paid.

He will, Clary. He will.

I nearly fell asleep.

I thought he'd be funny. You know, he's good on the telly,

with his "isobars" and his "damp patches".

What can I get you maidens?

- Can I have a chicken and mushroom pie, please? - No, I'm afraid

- I've no pies left at the moment. - Oh!

Well, I'll have a rock salmon, then.

- And I'm just all out of salmon. - You've not got owt, have you?

I'll tell you what we have got.

- What? - A celebrity.

Ooh!

- So, is there anything else I can get you? - Mm.

I'd love to try some more, but...I'd rather live.

- Just the bill, then. - Ha! Sorry!

- For a moment there, I thought you said "the bill"! - Oh, I did.

You've had everything on the menu.

Oh, sweetheart!

These kind of people pay for things.

They do some soul-destroying job and just about scrape by.

I pay my way by shining my light upon them. Being,

you know, warm and funny.

Funny?! You're about as funny as running out of bog roll!

Oh, well. What is it they say about pearls and swine?

In the name of Odin and Thor of Valhalla,

- you will pay your due! - Oh, dear!

I feel a viral moment coming on!

Leave it, Uncle Stan.

Fine, but he'll get what's coming.

JONTY TUTS

Ha-ha!

Hello!

Any chance of some help with these?

Of course! Let me ease your burden.

Hello there!

Well, what's in the bags?

Well, what isn't in the bags?!

- We swung by Lonnie's to get some bits for in here. - Oh!

Aah... Right...

Anything you don't want, we'll just take straight back, all right?

- Look. That, got you that. - Oh!

And I got you that. And, look,

I got you these.

- Oh, they're fabulous! - Aren't they?

And I thought if you wanted a chilled and swirly vibe,

you could put lava lamps on each of the tables.

No!

- What? - They're an explosion and shatter hazard.

Plus, they're full of carbon tetrachloride.

Wouldn't want that on your ice cream.

And, uh, I don't have time to PAT-test them.

Who knew?!

I'm so lucky to have Albert Einstein keeping an eye on me!

What's in the other bag?

Oh, they're just my old clothes. I'm going to take them

- to the charity shop in a bit. - I can do that for you.

Oh, that's not necessary.

Look, I live just over the road.

- No, I really don't mind. - Look, it's fine.

OK.

- OK. - Now, look, while you're here,

can I try some recipes on you?

Banana split.

Key lime sundae.

- And my Knickerbocker Gloria. - BOTH: Yes.

Oh!

Kill me now!

HE SIGHS

Ugh!

Ooh, hello!

Ugh!

THUNDER CRACKS

HE SIGHS

CORK POPS

Eurgh! Eurgh!

Huh!

Gloria!

Oh, Gloria. Huh!

THUNDER CRACKS

Ah...

Right, well, I'll take these to the charity shop,

and I'll see you tomorrow. Goodnight, all!

- Night, Hugh! - I must see if that freezer's still working.

That is a good plan!

So, Gloria, is there anything else we can do for you?

You've already done so much, but...you know my big gala opening

- on Friday? - Mm.

You've got such good taste in music.

- Could you come over and spin a few tunes? - Ooh!

DRUMMING ON TABLE

Yes, we could!

- You all right? - Everything's wonderful.

I'm not used to that.

I just keep thinking,

when's it all going to go horribly wrong?

- Aw! - Oh!

Oh!

MOTORBIKE REVS

Please, Uncle Stan,

you can't give up!

Think of the gods of Asgard.

Bugger the gods of Asgard!

LINE GOES DEAD

Hello. Are you not opening today?

It's his uncle. He says he's had enough, he's shutting up shop.

- Oh, he can't do that! We'd all starve! - Good morning.

Could I place my lunchtime order for the ice cream parlour?

- You might be waiting a while. - Really?

- I'll check the back. - Well, it all happened last night,

when that Jonty - you know the weather wotsit from the telly? -

he came in for his tea. He had the full menu - pickled eggs, an' all.

Anyway, when it came to the bill, he said he wouldn't pay.

He's too la-di-da!

Anyway, they let him go.

Good riddance to D-list celebrities is what I say!

But then they found out

he'd written a terrible review about the place.

- Oh! - He said the staff were tacky and the chips were soggy.

It's not just us.

He's wrote a blog about your salon, the cake shop

and the ice cream parlour, even though it hasn't opened yet.

Flamin' cheek! He said if we didn't charge him, he wouldn't do that!

It does seem a bit over the top to shut up shop over one bad review.

- Oh, that's Vikings for you. - Over the top?!

I'll give you over the top!

That lying weather scum's chosen the wrong warrior to do battle with!

- Valhalla! - ALL: With chips!

- DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE - Valhalla!

- ALL: With chips! - Valhalla!

ALL: With chips!

INDISTINCT CHATTER

HE RINGS BELL IMPATIENTLY

HE RINGS BELL IMPATIENTLY

Oh! Hello!

Now, I'm ever so sorry, I was just worming my whippets.

Hello, do you have a Mr Jonty Starr

- staying with you? - Now, I'm not at liberty to divulge,

but if a famous television personality...

- Yeah. - ..did come to this village,

- I'm sure this is where he would stay. - Is he in the penthouse?

Well...

Again, my lips...are sealed,

- but, uh, that's where I would put him. - Come on!

Um, we do just ask

if you could just put your name down in the...book.

HE HAMMERS ON DOOR

Open the door!

In the name of Thor and Odin!

OK, we're not going to hurt him, right? We're just going to ask him

- to pay what he owes. - I do wish people would learn to hang pictures.

- That's 45 degrees off the perpendicular. - I think we should go.

- He must have checked out by now. - Yeah. - That is not quite accurate.

The door appears to be locked

- from the inside. - I've got something

that will dismantle any lock.

Oh, Stan, it's made of rubber.

- Not that! - Oh.

Oh!

Ah!

Is he there? Is he hiding?

What's he got to say for himself? Eh?

- Wincey, you really don't want to look. - Why? What?

WINCEY GASPS

Uh, don't look at me!

I didn't like the guy, but...

I think he's been writing something.

Probably destroying someone else's career.

No, that's not him.

It looks like the killer has written a review of the murder.

"Jonty put up surprisingly little struggle.

"A few feeble kicks, a pleading look in his eye.

"No stars."

So, where are the others?

They're talking to the police. PC Adam.

Oh, they'll be there a while, then! He does love a chat.

Now, I've made us all some coffee...

- Thank you. - ..for the shock. - Thank you.

- There we go. - That's very kind.

I mean, what kind of sick puppy would do summat like that?

Mm. Well, I'm not one to gossip...

- Oh, but if you were? - When I was at the book launch,

Jonty had a personal assistant. I think her name was Suzie.

Anyway, she had that sticky tape.

She was on her knees, taking the fluff off his trousers.

- So she was sorting his kecks out? - Yeah.

And why does that mean that

- she wanted him slain? - Just saying.

Oh, Clary!

What's this I hear about a murder?

Oh, it's Jonty Starr. You know, the weatherman?

- We found the body. - Ah, no!

Now, obviously, I am not a trained counsellor,

but I do work with my hands,

and they are very good at giving hugs.

Hugh Fletcher?

Hello, Constable.

How did you get past the police cordon?

I just had a word with him.

His mam knows my mam. We go way back.

Oh. Well, I'm glad.

We believe that there may be a malicious communication element

to this, so we're asking everyone on the scene to hand over

- their digital devices. - It's true.

We've all handed in our phones.

I'm enjoying the silence.

- Yeah... - HUGH CLEARS THROAT

Yeah, all right.

Now, we need a bit of space,

so could everyone please leave the crime scene?

WINCEY GROANS

See ya.

That was kind, Clary, thank you.

- It looks like a locked-room murder... - Mm.

..but, I mean, it can't be.

So maybe the killer got out through the window,

or went up through the attic.

Or maybe the killer was in the room when we broke in.

Oh.

- Hiding under the bed. - And that review that the killer wrote,

well, that suggests that the killer was taking revenge for one of

- Jonty's reviews. - Or it was a brilliant double bluff.

Um, excuse me, do either of you own a red Audi?

It's been here all day and it's in a shocking state.

Well, I don't think much of their valet parking services.

Hey, look in the back.

Ah!

I think Adam needs to know about this.

Thanks for the intel.

It was his car, though he was driven everywhere

- by his personal assistant. - Suzie?

- How do you know that? - I'm a very good friend of Wincey's.

- Oh. - Huh! - Well, we need to have

It's highly likely that whoever smashed up his car

then went on to murder him. We should now be getting some CCTV.

Do you know when, roughly, that he died?

Well, according to his phone records, we reckon around midnight,

- which is interesting. - Yes?

Yeah, well, anyone could have got into the motel.

It's not exactly Fort Knox.

But how did the killer get Jonty to open his bedroom door at midnight?

It must have been somebody that he knew and trusted.

Well, speaking of opening things, we need to open the salon.

You can stay with PC Watson, but I desperately need to walk off

that Black Forest gateau!

SHE WHISPERS: You can stay.

And slide, and slide, and...

Got it! You know what I don't get?

- Yeah? - Is why Jonty came here to do his book launch.

I mean, surely he'd have sold more copies in Manchester?

I think he must have roots here or something.

We've got a lovely market, with half-priced doughnuts

on a Wednesday, but he doesn't look like

- he eats sugar. - Sh! Sh! - No, don't shush me...

No, there's someone there.

What are you staring at?

I don't mean to creep you out, but...

..is your name Suzie?

Who wants to know?

Well, quite a lot of people.

- Did you used to work for Jonty Starr? - I gave the best years

of my life to that ungrateful, hateful little weather pillock!

SUZIE CLEARS THROAT

Uh, he... He's dead.

What?!

They found his body at the motel.

Not Jonty!

Not my poor baby!

I think the police want to have a word with you.

Well, it's really not convenient!

Well, you can try that, but I don't think it'll fly.

I mean, I haven't slept. I...

I look like a scarecrow, and I've got fox poo in my hair.

I actually think we've got a shampoo for that.

Right! Let's get you seated.

Oh, thanks, love.

It feels so good to be clean!

I know, it's heaven, isn't it?

Nothing better,

apart, perhaps, from

the healing power...of music.

MUSIC: Together We Are Beautiful by Fern Kinney

Oh, I love this one!

Me, an' all.

Right, so what are we going to do with these luscious locks?

Luscious?!

Jonty used to call me the "human Brillo Pad".

Oh, that's not very nice.

What was he like, then, as a boss?

Oh, he was wonderful.

- Except when he was being a total nightmare. - Yeah!

And...he was kind.

Except when he turned sadistic.

He changed like the weather, really.

But basically, he was...

..he was, um...

..he was beautiful.

That's lovely.

You are giving me some mixed messages, though.

He was a little boy lost, really.

And when he was writing his book,

there's this one detail he left out because it was too raw.

- He didn't want people to know it. - And what was that?

Ah, go on, you've got to tell us now.

Jonty was adopted as a baby,

and he could never understand why his birth mother gave him away.

It haunted him.

Did he look for her? Did he ever meet her?

Well, I suggested that he...

SHOP BELL RINGS

Suzie Bagshot?

Yes?

- I'm arresting you on suspicion of murder. - No!

anything, but it may harm your defence if you do not mention

when questioned something which you later rely on in court.

Just in the back there, please.

Wait!

Can I have a word?

Well, I'm a bit busy, what, with apprehending murderers,

but... We saw her smashing up his car yesterday evening.

It was on CCTV. And then she ran in the direction of the motel, so...

Well, when we found her, she was sat behind some bins in an alleyway,

drinking Cypriot cooking wine.

Don't you think if she'd just...murdered someone,

that...she'd run?

Look, just... Just leave the police business to me. Yeah?

Fine.

Yeah, I'll...

I'll get back to my hair.

CHURCH BELLS RING

Right...

Right.

UPBEAT MUSIC

Oh.

Hello?

Hello, is anyone home?

Oh!

- Hello there! - Oh! - Oh!

Gloria!

- You look magnificent. - Oh, thank you.

Did you, um...

Did you hear about Jonty Starr?

I did, and I'm trying not to think about it.

Fair dos.

You gave us a scare, though.

This place is quite dark!

So it is.

- Parky? - Yes?

Let there be light!

Oh, wow!

It's like Las Vegas!

I've put out all the chairs,

and put my back out in the process.

And now the ice cream's churning...

..as is my stomach.

It's all going to be all right.

I'm going to get a groove on, Gloria.

Get this party started.

GLORIA CHUCKLES

I hope you're prepared to run out of ice cream,

because I do believe the whole village is coming.

- Really? - Mm.

Oh, my!

I don't feel ready.

MUSIC: Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep by Middle of the Road

Hey! You've worked your whole life for this.

It's everything you've always wanted.

Oh, excuse me!

Parky!

I'm on it, like a bonnet.

Well, I suppose I ought to ask if you're all right,

but I think we both know the answer to that.

Sorry.

It's just the pressure.

It's starting to get to me.

Is it?

No, it's just, Gloria, when you came into the salon,

you said you'd never got round to having kiddies, but the thing is,

I'm a hairdresser.

My chair is a polygraph and...you didn't pass.

What about just now?

I put on Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep...

- Oh! - ..you're in floods of tears, running into the stock room.

Gloria, did you ever have kids?

I did.

Just the one.

Just after I got married.

But Steve did the maths and worked out it wasn't his,

and made me have the poor little thing adopted.

I cried for a whole year.

Oh, love!

And then it turned out it was my one chance to have a baby.

Oh!

Why do the worst things happen to

the best people, eh?

GLORIA CHUCKLES

So when did you find out what had happened to the baby?

Oh...

Last night.

- Oh, I'm sorry, but we're not actually open. - Oh!

Oh, that's a shame.

I was going to offer you a drink.

As I say, we're not open.

Oh, yeah.

Turn me out onto the street,

the way you did all them years ago.

- What?! - What shall I call you, then?

Gloria, Knickerbocker Gloria...

..or Mummy?

No!

He gave me his place and date of birth,

and I knew he wasn't lying.

This was my boy.

The one who was taken away from me.

Oh, love!

I never wanted to give you up.

- I've got so much love to give you. - Ha! It's a bit late for that now!

- I know. - It's a nice place you've got here.

You've done well with it. I suppose it must be

- your baby. - Oh, Jonty, please! - And I want

every penny. Every... Every ice cream you sell,

every rum and raisin, every raspberry ripple,

it all comes to me!

So what did you say?

- I was just stunned. - Yeah.

He was shouting and threatening me, and then he just walked away.

And I wish I'd run after him,

then I could have stopped this whole nightmare from happening.

I've just got to get through tonight.

So many people rely on me.

Clary!

Clary, here's where we are with the plotsicle.

- Jonty Starr is Gloria's... - Right!

Well, we're sorted for wafers and sprinkles.

Even if I do have enough to feed the five thousand.

And can I just say, I am so sorry.

That man was a bitter, twisted individual,

who decided to take it out on the

loveliest people I've ever met.

- Right. - "My hair was shampooed by a clueless assistant.

"A braindead, bouffant Barbie doll."

- I mean... - I don't know what you're talking about.

Jonty's awful review of the salon.

Oh, I actually hadn't read it.

Hugh Fletcher?

- Could I have a word? - Yeah.

I was hoping to return your phone, but we may have to

- hold on to it for a bit longer. - I don't see why.

- I never had any dealings with the man. - No, but

you do have quite a collection of photos of a young hairdresser

called Clary. Her face, her hair, her body.

It's not illegal.

There's nothing obscene or indecent.

Gloria said that Clary gave you a bag of her clothes

to take to the charity shop, but when I spoke to the owner,

- he hadn't received them yet. - Yeah, well, I, uh...

- What are you suggesting? - See, I think you've become obsessed

with Miss Coombs, and then a famous celebrity came to

- the village and wrote terrible things about her. - Yeah, he did.

- And it brought my obsession right to the surface. - Yeah.

- Your obsession. - Yeah. And it's not right to keep these things hidden.

I'm going to tell her exactly how I feel.

Clary Coombs!

- Can you just give me a sec? - No. This can't wait a moment longer.

- Oh, right. - You are THE most beautiful woman

I've ever laid eyes on.

- That's nice. - And I have a dream...

I can see this is private, but I can't leave because of safety.

Fine. ..a certain something that I've always wanted to do.

What is it?

I would love to be...

- ..a drag queen. - What?! - Huh!

Now, I know I'm just an awkward Welsh handyman,

but I have a desire to perform, to get in touch with my feminine side.

- No higher aim. - And, Clary, dear, I have been studying your hair,

your make-up, your...je ne sais quoi.

Can I use you as my style icon?

- Oh, of course! - Mwah!

Oh, see, that's not weird now.

Yeah!

THEY LAUGH

- I've just looked outside and there's a queue past the chippy. - No!

Let's scoop some ice cream!

MUSIC: Must Be The Love by Wesley Bright

The whole world turned up!

And I bet my Japanese scissors the killer is here tonight.

But how did they get into Jonty's room?

What did Jonty love more than anything else?

- Himself. - Yeah.

- And money. - Yeah.

- And fame. - Yeah.

Being in the limelight.

Oh, that's it!

Light!

- Spin some discs for me. - OK.

Hey, Parky...

..fancy a chinwag?

I, um, do need to keep an eye on things,

for possible health-and-safety breaches.

Oh, yeah. You're very good at that, aren't you? I remember you'd gone

to check the freezers, hadn't you, when Jonty came round?

So you must have heard the argy-bargy.

- Jonty, please! - And I want every penny!

Every... Every ice cream you sell,

every rum and raisin, every raspberry ripple,

it all comes to me!

I might have heard him, but, um, he ran off.

Locked himself in his room.

We've only your word for that, though, haven't we?

The door appears to be locked

from the inside.

See, I think the door was locked from the outside,

and when we broke in, you put the key back in the keyhole.

But how could I have got into his room, in order to kill him?

Yeah, I've been wondering about that.

And then I thought...

..maybe the killer didn't go into the room.

Maybe he lured Jonty out.

And how would you do that?

Well, a friendly neighbourhood electrician would just

go to the fuse box, turn off all the power to Jonty's room.

And then Jonty, who liked nothing more than...

JONTY SIGHS

..a mammoth whinge, would come

powering out, bellyaching,

in the dark,

in a state of total confusion.

GRUNTING

Get off me!

Agh! Agh!

You knew he was drunk as a skunk.

Didn't take much to suffocate him.

And then you went back with us, so that if the police found

any traces of you, you could say you left them there that morning

- and not the night before. - But why would I kill him?

I hardly knew the man!

Gloria thinks you're the sweetest, kindest man on Earth.

She is...

..the sweetest, kindest person.

You saw what her husband did to her, didn't you?

- All those years. - Yes.

He was like a schoolboy,

pulling the wings off an insect.

I couldn't do anything.

And then he died, and she got her life back together,

and she started this amazing place.

And then Jonty turned up.

He wanted to destroy everything.

She deserves to finally be happy.

Listen, he was not a nice man...

..but I don't think anyone deserves to die like that.

And now your problem is, everyone is going to think it was Gloria.

They are! The police, the press,

- every neighbourhood gossip. - No.

That was not my intended outcome.

Yeah, but that is what's going to happen,

unless you step up and you do the right thing.

I've really messed things up, haven't I?

MUSIC CONTINUES IN BACKGROUND

Oh, it's my guardian angel!

Thank you for having faith in me.

Oh, you are so welcome.

And, Parky?

- Yes? - You have been my rock.

I could never have done it without you.

Yes. Well...

..I think from now on, you might have to.

- Sorry? - But...please,

whatever happens,

don't let anyone ruin your dreams.

- PC Adam? - Yeah?

There's something I've got to confess.

- Would you like a custard cream with that? - Oh, no, ta.

I'm still stuffed of ice cream.

Yeah, it's still swilling around inside me.

SHOP BELL RINGS

BOTH: Suzie!

You wouldn't believe the week I've had!

Oh, we would, actually!

And the worst part is, I never got my lovely haircut.

My luscious locks are sorely in need of attention.

Well, we can soon fix that for you.

You're in luck.

- Quiet day at the salon. - Not out there, it's not.

There's this very loud woman, stomping round town

in platform boots.

MUSIC: I Love To Boogie by T. Rex

# We love to boogie

# Jitterbug boogie

# Bolan pretty boogie

# We love to boogie

# On a Saturday night... #

SHOP BELL RINGS

Ta-da!

Oh, Hugh!

You look amazing!

Oh, it's... It's like looking in a mirror!

Really? You're not just saying that to be nice?

Well...

I...

What's wrong with us all being nice to each other, eh?

Yeah!

Whoo!

THEY GIGGLE

# With your black velvet cape and your stovepipe hat

# Be-bop, baby, the dance is where it's at

# I love to boogie

# Yes, I love to boogie on a Saturday night. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0