All language subtitles for Scream Queens - 01x13 - The Final Girl(s).KILLERS.English.HI.C.orig.Addic7ed.com

_

♪

(glasses clink)

(two claps)

Welcome to this very
special rush evening

of the new and improved
Kappa Kappa Tau.

I'm Zayday Williams, president,

and this is my vice
president, Grace Gardner.

We would also like to thank Dean Munsch

for allowing us to have a
winter semester rush this year.

Well, now that the unfortunate events

of the fall semester are behind us

and the school is back
open and extremely safe,

I thought, why not?

Especially since the new Kappa
seems to be aligned so clearly

with mine and the rest
of the student body's

almost militant commitment
to political correctness

and acceptance of different
and unusual points of view.

As long as they're always left-leaning.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go disinvite Jerry Seinfeld
from speaking at commencement.

He told a joke about a woman once.

Allegedly.

(women murmur)

We would also like to introduce
you to our treasurer,

Hester Ulrich.

Excuse me. Is it still true that you
guys take anyone who wants to pledge?

It's actually now written
in the Kappa bylaws.

So today is going to
be filled with us...

HESTER: Hi. It's me, Hester.

You may have noticed my eye patch.
It's temporary.

The advantage of stabbing
yourself in the eye

with a stiletto heel is that you know

just where to jab it in order
to miss the important organs,

like your optic nerve or your brain.

You might have noticed that
I'm the only Chanel left.

That's because I got away with it.

It was a plan 20 years in the making,

and it worked.

- sync and corrections by Caio -
- Colored by VitoSilans -
- www.addic7ed.com -

You probably think that growing up

in a mental institution would be fun.

Plenty of cigarettes and Monopoly.

(both shrieking)

But it was hard at first.

(Gigi sobbing)

Gigi was pretty bummed out

about her sister killing
herself with laxatives,

- _
- and she cried a lot.

(sobbing loudly)

For three years.

(sobbing continues)

But with the help of good doctors
and nurses at the asylum,

_

Gigi was able to turn
her sadness into anger,

and we started planning our revenge.

(sobbing continues)

- _
- Now, this is a hammer.

Hammers are good for bashing
people in the skull

and watching them bleed to death, okay?

Now, how about this?

- Knife!
- Okay.

How about this one?

- Chain saw.
- Great!

Now, what are the
advantages of using this?

Easily cuts through muscle and bone,

and has the added
advantage of making sure

your victim's final emotion is terror.

Suck ass!

That's great, Hester.

Now, let's maybe let Boone
answer the next one.

- But he's a moron.
- I know.

I know.

Ow!

(children grunting)

HESTER: We grew. Time passed.

It did get a little lonely there.

Sometimes I made friends,

but then the next thing you know,

they're getting a full
frontal lobotomy.

Gigi said that we would
be headed to Wallace

to finally put our plan into action,

so I needed a persona to hide behind

while we murdered people and stuff.

Boone decided that his would
be to pretend to be gay,

which made, like, no sense,
since all that would do is

make him stand out amongst
those frat dudes.

But Boone was never one
for really being smart.

As for me, what I've noticed is that

the more weird and gross you are,

the less people want to know about you.

No one asks the kid with terrible acne

what their favorite movie
is or where they were born.

Even though I only ate asylum food

and never really
exercised, I was blessed

with a super tight bod.

My butt could launch a thousand ships,

and my boobs were
remarkably perky and even.

Couple that with my BJ lips,

and I was gonna need
something pretty spectacular

to keep everyone from wanting
to get all up in this.

Once I saw her, I knew I found
my cloak of social invisibility.

(thunder rumbling)

We needed a cool costume.

All killers have a cool costume...

Jason with his hockey mask,

Freddy Krueger's sweater and hat,

Cujo's totally realistic dog costume.

Hey, everyone!

Come down to Jesse
Helms Stadium tonight

to cheer on our very
own Wallace University

Red Devils!

Kickoff at 7:00 p.m.! (whoops)

(knife stabbing, man gasping)

HESTER: Kind of ironic
that our first victim

was actually the Red Devil,

but when you want to
make an omelet, right?

(nife stabbing, man gasping)

But the devil outfit was perfect.

Unisex, kind of satanic

but not, like, a giant
goat head satanic.

Red and black so it wouldn't stain

when it was covered in blood.

And since it was the school mascot,

we could walk around campus
in it without being noticed.

GIGI: I think he's dead.

HESTER: It was time to begin.

We broke into Kappa and we got busy.

BOONE: I don't understand why

we don't just stab this Dorkus girl.

Because this is more dramatic.

I don't know. Stabbing
can be pretty dramatic.

No, this is more poetic. It hits
these girls right in their vanity.

Wait, we're spraying
acid on the furniture?

How's that gonna hurt them?

Just pour the acid in!

HESTER: Obvi, I was the
brains of the operation.

Boone was the muscle, and Gigi was the
weird and psycho beating black heart.

We did have to get into college
before we could execute our plan.

Hard, since we never
went to high school.

Boone went undercover
year before I did.

never actually rolled in school.

Since none of those frat
guys ever went to class,

it was easy to just show up there,

say he was a student,
and blend right in.

But I wanted to do it right.

Well, Hester,

your high school transcripts
are clearly faked.

And I'm guessing you
made up your SAT scores,

'cause it's not possible to get
one million percent on them.

Now, that being said,

we do have a new mandate
here at Wallace University

for special needs diversity.

And seeing as we have no students
with severe spinal deformities,

I... am gonna take a chance on you.

(stamp thuds)

Welcome to Wallace.

Thank you, Dean. You won't regret it.

(footsteps echoing)

Hi.

Ooh, cool neck brace.

You ever think about decorating it?

(gasps)

I've got a Bedazzler back in my room.

What do you say we spice it up a bit?

Um, no. But that sounds
like a lot of fun.

I hope you guys aren't
freaked out by my appearance

or lack of social skills and money.

Hardly. We're part of a new
wave of Kappa Kappa Tau,

one filled with true
sisterhood and acceptance.

Zayday here is gonna be president
of this place someday.

Come on. Let's go mingle, babies.

I'll catch up.

By the way, you guys seem really nice.

I've always said that being
nice is a really good quality.

It could save your life one day.

Hmm.

(chuckles) Great.

HESTER: And so it came to be

that Hester Ulrich,
daughter of Sophia Doyle,

returned to Kappa House
to get her revenge.

And that was the night it all started.

And tonight, it all ends.

Order is restored, as they say.

More than restored... reborn.

Now I have some true
sisters, some real family.

The only dad I ever had was the asylum.

My only family were those
nutburgers Gigi and Boone.

But now I know who my real dad is

and my real half-sister,
even if they don't.

And the best part is

that that isn't even the best part.

Well, that isn't the best part either.

The best part is who
isn't up here with us.

Yep. No Chanels.

I mean, someone had to
take all the blame.

Right?

_

HESTER: You're probably
thinking, what kind of person

could drive a six-inch stiletto
into her own eye socket?

Hester, it's gonna be
okay, it's gonna be okay.

(whispers): Can we save the shoe?

HESTER: A person who did
her homework, that's who!

First, I had to get an
X-ray of my own skull.

Then, I had to calculate the
proper length of the heel,

the angle of the insertion,

with just the right amount of force

to slip behind the eyeball
without damaging the socket.

Also, it helps to be
completely frickin' insane.

(panting softly)

Because for a plan like this to work,

you have to be willing
to totally commit.

(screams)

I mean, desperate times call
for desperate measures.

This was the price I
had to pay if I wanted

to get away with murder and
pin it all on someone else.

(whimpers)

(gasps)

(gasping)

The Red Devil!

Because some people don't
deserve to just get murdered.

They need to be truly punished.

I didn't do it, I swear!

Oh, please, we all know
the guy from Nickelback

did not, in fact, swipe
right on your profile.

Uh, yes, he did, okay? Nickelback is in
town playing some kid's bat mitzvah.

Please! It was clearly a ruse

so you could sneak back into
the house and kill Number Six!

I would never, Chanel!

I'm one of the good guys!

Look, I-I know,

I know that I can be socially awkward

and-and a little bit off-putting

and that most people find it
very difficult to be around me,

but you know me, Chanel.

I'm not the killer.

Um, excuse me?

I think you're a serial killer

because I know you, Number Five!

You bite your own toenails.

Okay, I am flexible.

Why would I waste my money
buying toenail clippers

when God already blessed
me with toenail clippers

in the form of teeth in my mouth?!

It's awfully convenient that
you're the one who noticed

- Number Two's body went missing.
- (gasps)

Maybe you knew it was gone

'cause you'd already taken it
to the house on Shady Lane.

Look, we should all just stay up

and wait until Number Five
gets tired and passes out.

She confesses all sorts of
crazy stuff in her sleep.

She and I were roommates the first
year we lived in the house.

I unlocked the brakes
on Grandma's wheelchair

so that she would slide down
the driveway into the traffic.

Shut up!

Go to sleep!

When I fart, I cup it in
my hand and smell it.

Dear God, shut up!

CHANEL: Wait a minute.
Everybody, shut up!

I know what happened.

You killed Number Two

and confessed it in your
sleep to Roger and Dodger

after a hot night of letting
them Eiffel Tower you.

And once you knew that they both knew,

you realized you'd have to kill them!

Oh.

Oh, I see where this is going.

You're gonna try and pin
all of these murders on me

so I spend the rest
of my life in prison.

Oh, no, my friend.

You... are going to the electric chair.

No!

Do they still use those?

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Well, thank you for letting me know.

Well, well, well.

This just in.

Police Chief Denise
Hemphill just got a call.

A decomposing male body was found

with rippling abs and
a possible gay face

that appears to be a match
for one Boone Clemens.

That's right, y'all! Hot damn, shazam!

Boone is dead.

Excuse me for a second
while I drop the mic.

We already knew Boone was dead.
Pete admitted to killing him.

Okay, well, excuse me

for trying to reiterate the facts

and get us all on the same page.

I mean, after all, I am just the chief
of the whole damn police department.

Okay, look, this is all so insane.

Look, we can all freely admit
that Number Five is fairly odd,

but she is not the killer.

The killer is Hester.

Yes, and the proof is in her files.

(door closes)

The only proof you need
is this hole in my head.

Good news.

Chanel #5 didn't insert the heel hard
enough to pierce my orbital socket.

The doctors were able
to save my eyeball,

and they said that I'm gonna
make a full recovery.

No, that can't be true.
You're the killer!

Your entire life story
is totally fabricated.

Just look at her insane, obviously
made-up, high school transcript.

I'm very embarrassed about that.

Yes, it's true, I falsified
my high school transcripts,

but only to cover up the fact
that I was homeschooled.

- (gasps)
- Mm.

I-I was afraid that
if people found out,

they wouldn't ask me
to join a sorority.

Liar! You are the baby in the bathtub.

You look just like Boone.

And Pete told us that your DNA
matched Boone and my dad.

Are you talking about the same Pete who
admitted to being one of the killers?

He's just making that all up

to cover for his real partner
in crime, Chanel #5!

No.

Well, then how do you explain the fact

that there's absolutely no records
on your parents anywhere?

- (doorbell rings)
- CHANEL: Ugh!

I think the answer to
that is at the door.

What?

(dog whimpers)

- Sweetheart.
- Hester?

Oh, sweetheart, are you okay?

Stepfather.

We came as soon as we heard.

HESTER: Oh, Mother. Cuddlebear.

Everyone, these are my
parents, Clark and Delight.

Hester is our biological daughter.
She definitely was not adopted.

(chuckles): I have the
stretch marks to prove it.

That's right, we're
prepared to corroborate

everything my stepdaughter,
Hester, has just said.

Do I know you?

Wait, hold on, there's no record
of Hester's parents anywhere.

That's because, until recently, my
husband and I worked for the CIA.

We were forced to
remain deep undercover

to protect Hester and Cuddlebear
and the people who love them.

Wait, I do know! I know
where I know you from.

You're from that prostate commercial.

Can you say that line I love so much?

Uh...

"Thanks, MaxFlow, my stream's
never been stronger."

"Never been stronger," yes!
I love that line!

Well, in order to not blow
their super-secret CIA covers,

my parents sometimes work
as actors in commercials.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Well, I want to talk to my parents,

so they can explain to you how
I am not a serial killer,

nor am I the baby in the bathtub.

Don't worry, I already
called your parents.

(doorbell rings)

CHANEL: Ugh!

Wha...?

CHANEL #5: (gasps) Mom and Dad!

Hi!

Can you please tell everybody
how I wasn't adopted,

nor am I a serial killer?

So, we're not Chanel #5's real parents.

A woman named Gigi gave her to us

after a sizable stint in
a mental institution.

What?!

We took her in out of the
kindness of our hearts.

And also for the tax deduction.

That's not true!

All Gigi asked was that
when the time came

that we enroll our daughter
at Wallace University

and encourage her to
pledge Kappa Kappa Tau.

We tried to love her like our own,

but, I mean... she's not great.

And now that the truth is out
that she's probably a murderer,

we don't want to have
anything to do with her.

No!

How could you do this to me?!

_

I have to be honest, we've
actually discussed doing

exactly what you're proposing.

As soon as she learned to
talk, I wanted to disown her.

I mean, maybe she's the killer
on campus, maybe she's not,

- but she probably is, right?
- Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, she just sucks.

Our daughter sucks.

I can't believe what I'm hearing!

Please tell them the truth.

It is the truth, you frumpy monster.

(gasps)

The psychologists said you probably
wouldn't remember the asylum

on account of it being so traumatic.

Your mind filled in the
gaps with imagined memories

- of growing up in our house.
- But, sweetie, you're toxic,

and you're bumming us out,
so it's time for you to go.

DENISE: Okay, okay, I
have heard enough.

Now, I still believe that
Zayday Williams is the killer.

Okay.

But this, this is real suspicious.

So, Chanel #5, you are under arrest.

What?!

You can't arrest me... don't you need,

like, a warrant or
something from a judge?

DENISE: What?!

I'm the chief of the police department,
and I can arrest whoever I want.

And, little girl, you,

- you got the right to remain silent.
- (handcuffs click)

And you got some other
rights that come after that,

and I don't know what they are,

'cause I don't remember
what I'm supposed to say

after "You got the right to
remain silent," but come on!

Wait, I'm not finished.

She's not the only killer.

You also need to arrest... Chanel #3!

Wait, you think I'm the killer?

I know for a fact that
you're working hand-in-hand

with Chanel #5 and her evil
killing brother Boone,

and that your first victim
was Deaf Taylor Swift.

What? That's impossible.

When the pledges were buried up
to their necks in the backyard,

I was sipping banana daiquiris
at the White Stallion.

Well, yeah, you came to the
White Stallion with us,

but then you disappeared
as soon as we got there.

Care to elaborate, Number Three?

I can explain.

When I got to the bar, I realized
my stomach was really bothering me.

I thought maybe someone had
put something in my drink

because I was tting mad cramps, and
I knew it was gonna be trouble.

I was past needing to go number two.

I needed to go number three.

(gasping)

But the bathrooms at the White
Stallion are freakin' disgusting.

There was no way I was gonna
lay down some pipe in there.

So I went back to Kappa House and I
destroyed the bathroom upstairs.

But I didn't kill anyone.

Hmm, so let me get this straight.

You're accusing someone
here in Kappa House

of putting laxatives in your cocktail?

Messing with somebody's regularity?

That's downright criminal.

I just don't understand how
deep the hole's supposed to be.

Whore deep! What kind
of a question is that?!

(sighs)

Useless.

HESTER: Hmm, but let's say

you aren't lying and that you didn't

mow Deaf Taylor Swift's head off.

I know for a fact that you
killed Predatory Lez.

No, I didn't.

You know, when you sent
her down there to die

because you were too ashamed
of your feelings for her,

I went down there to check on her,

when I caught a glimpse of
someone running up the stairs,

and they were wearing earmuffs!

- You're lying!
- That's just what I saw.

Well, just saying you saw
something isn't evidence.

No, you right, it's not evidence.

But it is suspicious.

You know why?

'Cause you the only one
in here wearing earmuffs!

Yeah, I know.

HESTER: Let's not forget the
most suspicious fact of all.

You're Charles Manson's daughter.

Uh, say what, now?!

And you have a shoebox
full of letters from him

giving you advice on how
to kill your friends.

Wait, Number Three, is that true?

I can explain.

Yes, I've become pen pals with my
biological father, Charles Manson.

I wanted my real dad to help me

with some growing-up stuff,
like how to French-kiss a boy

or how to know when I've met Mr.
or Miss Right.

But when he writes back,
his advice is always,

"Maybe you should murder some
of your sorority sisters."

HESTER: Why don't you go
ahead and read us one?

Mm-hmm.

"Precious daughter,

"I'm sorry I don't know anything
about yeast infections,

"but I did see an incredible
story on the news

about, uh, a pizza guy who
had a bomb strapped to him."

What?

"I'm totes sad that I can't order

"a pizza to the penitentiary and
strap a bomb to the pizza guy,

but that doesn't mean y-you can't."

Oh, man. That's real suspicious.

I-I'm telling you, I
didn't kill anybody.

Well, maybe you didn't,

but your split personality did.

I have a signed letter here
from your psychiatrist.

I've never been to a psychiatrist.

Well, your split personality has.

It says right here.

"Dear Hester,

"yes, I treated Chanel #3 for
split personality disorder

"over the course of about eight months.

"She showed up at my office
in a leather jacket,

"claiming her name was Dirty Helen

"and that she was the leader

- "of a notorious West Coast biker gang.
- (gasps)

"Dirty Helen made threats
against my family,

"and I was forced to move my
practice out of the country.

Signed, Dr. Adam Berkel, MD."

Oh, my God, so you're saying

that Dirty Helen could have
killed Sam and Deaf Taylor Swift

and I would have no memory of killing
them or receiving treatment?

That's exactly how a
split personality works.

Chanel #5 admitted to you that
she was the baby in the bathtub,

and then she convinced your split
personality to join her on a killing spree.

So, Dirty Helen, I'm the
other baby in the bathtub,

and I want you to join
my killing spree.

Okay, cool. But let's
not tell Chanel #3.

CHANEL #5: This conversation
never took place!

Yeah, but if it did,
I wouldn't remember

'cause you were talking to my evil
split personality, Dirty Helen.

Okay, Chanel #3, you are under arrest.

CHANEL #3: Sam, wherever you are,

I'm so sorry my split
personality murdered you!

- (handcuffs click)
- Wait!

There's someone else you
need to arrest, too.

Chanel Oberlin!

- What?
- Excuse me.

Uh, if you're gonna just
continue to accuse everyone,

could we at least sit down?

Liam, we're gonna lose our reservation.

Uh, it's all really interesting though.

I have proof that you, Chanel Oberlin,

entered a home improvement
store two months ago

and purchased the following items...

A garden shear, a riding
mower, three chain saws,

a pneumatic nail gun, two
axes, and a crossbow.

Okay, first of all,

I was the one who was
shot with the crossbow!

And also they don't sell crossbows
at home improvement centers!

Oh, Chanel, the security
footage begs to differ.

It's also stated right here,

in your Diners Club monthly statement.

I'll take that, too.

What?!

I don't have a Diners Club card!

Is Diners Club still even a thing?

- I still keep one in my wallet for backup.
- Mm.

I don't know why I'm the one who
always has to bring this up,

but we did all watch Chanel burn Ms.
Bean's face off.

For the last time,

that was a Hell Week prank gone wrong!

I didn't know the oil was boiling!

Someone turned on that deep fryer!

(deep fryer whirring)

- I don't know.
- CHANEL #3: And I did just

watch you try to murder Melanie Dorkus

with a pair of scissors
earlier this afternoon.

I only did that because I
thought she was the killer!

I mean, I'm telling you,
I'm not the Red Devil!

You bitch. What is your game here?

I mean, I'm all for Number
Five being the killer.

She's a weird psychopath who would look
like Boone's homely, bloated sister

if she let her horrible
black roots grow out.

She probably is the
baby in the bathtub.

And I am 100% not
surprised that Chanel #3

is also a psycho with
a split personality,

who is helping Number
Five murder everybody!

But why me?! I mean, I am a
pillar of this community.

I'm also already hot and rich.

What would I have to
gain by hatching a plan

to knock off a bunch of
nameless dumb whores?

I don't think that you did
hatch the plan, Chanel.

But I think that once the
murders started happening,

you saw it as the perfect
opportunity to knock off

the pledges that you thought
would ruin Kappa Kappa Tau.

With each murdered pledge,
this sorority house

got closer to being the Kappa Tau
that you always intended it to be!

Oh, yeah?

Well, then why didn't I kill the
two pledges I actually hate...

dumb-ass Grace and stupid Zayday?

Plausible deniability!
You knew by keeping

these two alive that it would
keep everyone off your scent.

No!

Come on, Cyclops.

In the sleuthing business, that's
what we call ice-cold logic.

It's obvious when you
look at it, Chanel,

that everything that's
happened on this campus so far

is just the logical next step
for sororities everywhere.

Because what's murder if not the most
perfect, ultimate form of hazing?

What better way for you to knock
off everyone that you hate,

because they're different
from you or not as popular

or not as pretty, than to
murder them one by one?!

(Chanels gasping)

Congratulations, Chanel.

You almost got the Kappa House
that you always dreamed of.

DENISE: This is what I like to
call first-class entertainment.

And I'd love nothing more

than to stand around
here watching you all

descend into a nightmare of
accusation and recrimination.

But I am here to represent the law.

And unfortunately for
you, Chanel Oberlin...

aka one of the murderers...
you are under arrest.

You'll never take me alive!

Time to call in the po-po. The chief
of police is requesting backup.

♪ We all fall down... ♪

(Chanels screaming)

♪ Like toy soldiers ♪

♪ It wasn't my intention... ♪

- GRACE: Are these strippers?
- They used to be strippers, okay?

But, uh, super-sleuthing Chief of Police
Denise Hemphill had 'em deputized.

Get 'em, boys!

(Chanels continue screaming)

♪ Takes the fall ♪

♪ Won't you come out and play with me ♪

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Heart to heart ♪

♪ Left, right, left ♪

♪ We all fall down... ♪

You rich, dumb hos are going downtown!

Get 'em out of here!

You can't! Wait, no!

(screaming)

You can't! Wait, no, no!

(screaming continues)

I still gots my eye on
you, Zayday Williams!

♪ For toy soldiers ♪

_

MUNSCH: What a difference
five months can make.

Order on campus was restored.

And when the Chanels were denied bail

and sent to jail awaiting trial...

(gavel banging)

I am holding you in contempt of court.

Bail is revoked!

MUNSCH: ...justice had been served.

Chad Radwell and Denise Hemphill

continued their torrid love affair.

It ceased to be just a booty call.

When they broke up, he was devastated.

I'm sorry!

I just don't understand
how you just end it.

Because we're chasing waterfalls!

We got to stick to the rivers
and the lakes that we used to!

I thought we were in the marriage zone.

I don't have a choice is
what I'm telling you.

I got to be in Quantico tomorrow.

I know you need me.
You need all of this.

- But the FBI needs me more.
- The FBI is not gonna have that.

That's mine!

- Denise, you hurt me real bad.
- Don't do that.

Wait, wait! No, no! Baby, please!

Don't let it end like this.

Don't do that to us.

Come on. Come on, baby.

♪ Don't go chasing waterfalls... ♪

(sighs, grunts)

♪ Please stick to the rivers... ♪

Damn it, Denise.

It was never gonna work out between us.

We got too close to the sun, baby.

We shined too bright.

I promise I will never bang
anyone the way I banged you.

Boy, you gonna make me cry!

♪ Don't go chasing waterfalls... ♪

(both moaning)

♪ Please stick to the rivers ♪

♪ And the lakes that
you're used to... ♪

Go.

Just go!

You don't want to look back at it?

One more time?

♪ But I think you're
moving too fast... ♪

Go!

(crying)

Press outlets of the world,

on behalf of all the
Dickie Dollar Scholars

who are no longer with us... (sighs)

I would like to announce
the formation of...

The Dickie Dollar Earl Grey

Roger Dodger Caulfield
Charitable Foundation,

or the DDEGRDCCF.

From henceforth, all proceeds

from every Dollar Scholar kegger,

wet T-shirt contest, coed
mud wrestling tournament

and Jell-O shot gavage

will go... that's right...

to charity.

What's up?

What charity will the Dollar
Scholars be pledging to support?

What do you mean, "what charity"?
Just charity.

All proceeds will go to charity.

Yes, uh, but which charity?

Uh... I-I don't know.

- All of them?
- (reporters murmuring)

Okay, you know, I'm not a big
fan of gotcha questions, dude!

My friends are dead!
I have nothing left!

Nothing!

Next question.

MUNSCH: As for me, I wrote up a quick
book and became a media sensation.

I was on the cover of Time, Newsweek

and Men's Health.

Well, I didn't write it.

I had a ghostwriter do it.

Okay, well, there you go.

Dean Munsch, your book is
an absolute revelation.

Is there any way you could
sum up your philosophy

on new new feminism
in just a few words?

Um...

if feminism was about demanding
equal treatment for women,

and new feminism was saying

that men and women are integral
complements to one another,

then I guess we could sum
up, uh, new new feminism

really in three simple words...

Women are better.

(laughter)

I mean, the proof... it's
right in front of us.

If you think about all
of human history,

add up the wars and the genocide,

all the oppression, the
violence, the exploitation,

the degradation of the human spirit,

what do all those
things have in common?

Dudes.

They have dudes in common, right?

Yeah.

So maybe, just maybe, it's not just
places like Wallace University

that are better off
with a woman in charge.

Maybe we'd be better off
if a woman was charge...

ALL: Everywhere!

Exactly!

(whooping, cheering)

Thank you. Thank you.

The culture at this university
has been changed for the better.

It's true, a lot of people had to die

to make that happen, but I
often catch myself thinking,

"You know what? Maybe it was worth it."

_

Girls, I am thrilled

that you've taken the initiative

to do the upkeep for our new memorial.

Well, we decided it was
the least Kappa could do.

Considering Kappa is kind of
the reason they're all dead.

Isn't it so beautiful?

And so nice of the Radwells

to donate the money to commission it

and have it built so quickly?

Yeah, I'm-I'm not sure I'm
fully committed to the design.

Oh, and I should've never let
Chad write the inscription.

But I suppose money still talks.

Yeah, well, we've got to get going

because I am planning a
"get your yummies in

and your feelings out" baking
party at the house tonight.

We're gonna make cookies and brownies,

and eat them while we
talk about our feelings.

Hester, you think you can
finish up the rest of this?

Make sure my boy Earl
gets some extra love.

Yeah.

- Well, that just sounds awful.
- I don't know.

I for one prefer the
saccharine banality of life

under Grace and Zayday
to the toxic sludge

the Chanels force-fed us every
day like we were pâtéd geese.

Yeah, I suppose I agree.

But what happened here to those
poor kids and the others was...

was truly awful.

I mean, it was an American tragedy.

At least some good came
out of all of that evil.

Oh, more than some, Dean.

I-I read your best-selling New
York Times book three times.

Th-These kids were martyrs
for a much bigger cause.

I know it was you, Hester.

I remember that little girl's face

in the bathroom that night.

Burned into my memory,

like Joe Theismann's injury
and Two Girls One Cup.

I remember every detail
of her little face.

And I certainly would know what
she would look like all grown up.

It's not my fault that all
of that happened to me.

You see how awesome Wes is.

He would've been my dad.

I would've had a good life.

Maybe if I would've had a real dad,

my brother wouldn't have
turned into such a douche.

Maybe family trips to ski in
Innsbruck or to Williamstown to see

Tim Daly in Death of a
Salesman would've turned me

into a much more sane young woman.

But that didn't happen.

And I can't be blamed

for the painful circumstances
of my upbringing.

No, but those kids died.

They're dead. And that is your fault.

I didn't kill any of these kids.

Except for Pete, but he's a
killer, so that's allowed.

By the state, Hester.

After a trial and lengthy appeals

and using drugs that
are mostly painless.

It all worked out, Dean.

And I'm never gonna kill again.

As long as I'm not texting and driving.

Everyone got what they wanted.

And even if the Chanels didn't
actually kill any of these people,

they perpetuated the
system that created me

and my brother, Pete and Gigi.

So if anyone should pay for
this, it should be them.

I also have a conscience,

and a responsibility to
all those dead kids,

that their killer be
brought to justice.

So I am gonna turn you in, Hester.

Then I'm gonna turn you in,

for covering up the murder of my mother

and killing your ex-husband.

(whispers): Or we could
just say we're good...

and move on.

To our very happy and successful

best-selling lives.

- Okay.
- Okay, great.

- Take care.
- You, too. See ya.

This is the "Sophia Doyle

I Just Had a Baby and Don't Know
What to Do" hotline center.

Now, any girl in the situation
that Sophia found herself in

in that bathtub 20 years
ago has a lifeline.

Someone she can call for help.

I mean, of course, the girls who
find her can also call as well.

We just want to make sure

that nothing like this ever
happens on campus again.

Yeah.

Well, it certainly is specific.

Yeah.

How's it going so far?

Um...

not a lot of activity yet.

- Right.
- Yeah.

Well, you know, with all the changes

that you guys have facilitated
all over the campus,

maybe the next girl who has surprise twins
at a party won't have to call for help.

Her friends will just now know
not to let her bleed to death,

because it's the right thing to do.

(sighs softly)

Hey.

Um, I'm really proud of you, Gracie.

I-I want to give you a present.

Something to acknowledge, you know,

all the hard work that
you've done this year.

Wait, Dad.

Are you getting me a car?

What? No.

No.

No, what-what...

are you out of your mind?

No. No. Trust.

Trust, Gracie. I-I'm
giving you my trust.

Oh.

Oh, well, that's cool, too.

Yeah.

You know, I-I just, I-I never...

I never actually gave you the
chance to matriculate here.

I mean, as a student,
sure, but not as a woman.

I mean, I was stalking you
outside of the sorority house,

I got a job in the department
so I could keep my eye on you.

And I never really trusted you
to take care of yourself.

Well, clearly, I was wrong about that.

- So does this mean you're leaving?
- Well, Dean Munsch, um...

(laughs)

...Cathy, uh...

I can't stop calling her
that, especially because

she likes me to call her
"Dean Munsch" in bed.

Uh, anyway, Cathy and I, we're going
to Napa for a couple of weeks.

We're gonna, we're gonna
suck down some deep cabs,

eat some rich blues and...
well, I don't know,

pretend to make, uh, a lot of babies.

- (chuckles)
- Mm.

I think you need your space.
You've earned it.

I love you, Dad.

Should we do one of our
counting good-byes?

No, that's just for sad good-byes.

Okay.

One, two, three.

- One, two, three.
- Dad...

(sighs)

BAILIFF: All rise.

Be seated.

JUDGE: Has the jury reached a verdict?

We have, Your Honor.

We, the jury, find the defendants...

Objection!

There is no more objections.
The trial is over.

- What? When did that happen?
- You were asleep.

Judge Joe Brown, we, the Chanels,

hereby declare this trial a farce.

I was under the impression that I had the
inalienable right to a jury of my peers.

Look at these hippos.

These are not my peers.

I'm a hot, rich, skinny
chick, which makes me

entitled to a jury of
hot, rich, skinny chicks

to see how awesome I am

and to see that the three
of us are innocent!

Your-Your Honor!

We, the jury,

find that the defendants are
guilty on all 47 counts.

(gallery murmuring)

(shrieks)

(shrieking, gavel pounding)

Order in the court!

- Deal with that.
- Order.

This is a travesty, Judge Mathis.

This is a kangaroo court.

And I am choosing to
ignore this verdict.

What? You can't ignore the verdict.

What verdict?

See, this is me ignoring the verdict.

For, like, the millionth time,

my dad is super gross rich.

Like, disgusting rich.

He'll have me out of prison in no time.

Chanel, your parents abandoned you.

They legally disowned
you three weeks ago

and filed an amicus brief
with the prosecution,

stating that they think that
you are a serial killer.

They also want to sue you for the time

that you drove your Range
Rover into their living room

because you didn't want to walk
all the way up the driveway.

(choked up): It is
such a long driveway.

Don't worry, Ms. Oberlin. You
ladies are not going to prison.

Thank you. (Chuckles)

You're going to an asylum.

What?!

(gallery applauding)

You know, you three are
the worst human beings

that I have ever encountered.

You have absolutely no regard
for anyone but yourselves.

You're rude, entitled,

narcissistic, racist and insane.

You elected to represent yourselves
in a capital murder case,

despite lacking even a basic
understanding of the law.

And then, you-you mostly slept
through your own trial.

That's crazy.

Your entire defense consisted
of you screaming at the jury

that you didn't kill anybody

and then threatening to kill them

if they found you guilty.

That is crazy behavior.

Chanel, you're crazy!

Ladies, please stand.

(sighs)

Stand up!

(groans)

JUDGE: Chanel Oberlin, Sadie Swenson,

Libby Putney...

(Chanel laughs)

I'm sorry, I keep forgetting
your real name is Libby Putney.

JUDGE: I sentence you to life in prison
at the Palmer Asylum for the Insane!

(gallery cheering)

(gavel banging)

Court is adjourned.

CHANEL: It was at the very
moment I had an epiphany.

Maybe he had a point.

Maybe we were sociopaths.

Maybe we never cared about
anyone other than ourselves.

Maybe we were crazy,

but we didn't know it because
we made Kappa House crazy,

surrounding ourselves with
girls who had also gone crazy.

(reporters clamoring, cameras clicking)

♪ Won't you come see about me ♪

♪ I'll be alone ♪

♪ Dancing, you know it, baby ♪

♪ Tell me your troubles and doubts ♪

♪ Giving me everything ♪

♪ Inside and out and... ♪

CHANEL: And now here we were,

about to spend the rest of our lives

trapped with a bunch of
mentally unstable women

totally divorced from
any sense of reality

and therefore capable of anything.

From the second we set
foot in that asylum,

I knew we were gonna
feel right at home.

Asylum life suited us just fine.

Number Three went full lez

and fell in love with one
of the lesbian nurses.

I mean, in women's prison,
everyone's sort of lesbian,

but Number Three was
really going for it.

I think I'm ready to show you my ears.

CHANEL: The psychiatrist put
Number Five on these meds

that made her actually tolerable.

Believe me, no one was
more shocked than I was

when she became my best friend
in the whole wide world.

I told her all my
deepest, darkest secrets.

Do you want to know my biggest secret?

I love it here! I never want to leave!

I know! Me, too!

(laughs)

CHANEL: I felt totally transformed,

like this enormous weight had
been lifted off my shoulders.

Inside this asylum, there
was no more judgment,

no more popularity contests,

no social media pressure to be
the hottest or the meanest.

And best of all,

there were no boys to stay skinny for.

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey... ♪

(giggling)

♪ Ooh... ♪

That's it.

The votes are in.

It's unanimous.

Congratulations, Chanel.

You've been voted house president.

Thank you so much.

Now, let's all raise a Dixie
cup of delicious prune wine

that Number Five so lovingly
brewed for us in the toilet.

To... Chanel.

ALL: To Chanel.

♪ When you walk away ♪

(footsteps echoing)

♪

(sighs)

(leather creaks, metallic swish)

(sighs)

(screaming)

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