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1
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I'm not sick but I'm not well
2
00:00:04,800 --> 00:00:08,300
And I'm so hot
3
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Cos I'm in hell...
4
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You know, Jez,
5
00:00:20,300 --> 00:00:26,200
I've started to get this feeling
that I'm totally, totally fucked.
6
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You know? Everything's fucked.
I fucked my wedding.
7
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I fucked up my only relationship.
Everything's just completely fucked.
8
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You have been feeling this
for a while.
9
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But now I'm starting to think
that maybe that's a good thing,
10
00:00:40,300 --> 00:00:44,900
cos now I can get on and do
everything I've always wanted to do -
11
00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:47,600
join MENSA, learn the clarinet.
12
00:00:47,700 --> 00:00:50,600
- I could be a Scout leader.
- Mm-hm.
13
00:00:50,600 --> 00:00:53,600
What are you smiling for?
14
00:00:53,700 --> 00:00:56,600
Look, Scouting is a noble tradition.
15
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You do not have to be a paedo
to wanna work with children, all right?
16
00:01:02,500 --> 00:01:06,600
Oh, God, that is... I spent five happy
years in the Scouts and never once...
17
00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:09,300
You told me
Kinky Layton was all over you.
18
00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:13,600
Yeah, all right, Layton was a bit of
a paedo, but not in a bad way.
19
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Just boosting you
over the climbing wall,
20
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making you run round the camp
in your pants.
21
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It was old style paedo-ing,
before it got such a bad name.
22
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DOORBELL RINGS
23
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'Layton only had eyes for
Duncan Carpenter, the doe-eyed flirt. '
24
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'Who's this? And Sophie's dad.
25
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'Angry, tweedy father!
This is a chain-on scenario. '
26
00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:38,000
Hello?
27
00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:40,800
Hi, Jeremy, it's... it's Barney.
Sophie's cousin.
28
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Remember? From the wedding?
29
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Not really.
30
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We went to the car park
and we smoked that dope that I bought...
31
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- That turned out not to be dope.
- Oh, right. Hi.
32
00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:54,400
We've dropped Sophe off,
she's going back to work tomorrow.
33
00:01:54,400 --> 00:01:55,900
Is this gonna take long?
34
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Oh, no, no, they just wanted me
to deliver this to Mark.
35
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It's just the tuna from the wedding.
It's Mark's half.
36
00:02:01,700 --> 00:02:03,800
Come on, Barney, let's go.
37
00:02:05,100 --> 00:02:07,800
Anyway, I remembered that
you were in a band,
38
00:02:07,800 --> 00:02:11,100
and basically, I've been doing
a little bit of my own music.
39
00:02:11,200 --> 00:02:14,200
Maybe you could take a listen
and tell me what you think?
40
00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:17,800
OK, well, thanks.
Good to see you... Barney!
41
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Thanks, Jeremy!
42
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'Mmm.
Why toast when you can roast? '
43
00:02:23,300 --> 00:02:26,100
Another roast?
That's the third today.
44
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- What's nicer than a roast?
- Yeah, but chain-eating roast?
45
00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:33,600
- Who was that?
- Sophie's dad, and her cousin, Barney.
46
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Barney?
47
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It's the wedding tuna. Your half.
48
00:02:36,700 --> 00:02:40,800
Oh, what? Really? Heartbreak tuna?
49
00:02:40,900 --> 00:02:42,500
Oh, no, Jez, just bin it!
50
00:02:42,600 --> 00:02:46,100
Not literally, there's no need
to be overly dramatic. Freeze it.
51
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See how I feel in six months.
52
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- They came all this way for the tuna? -
They were dropping Sophie off.
53
00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:56,800
- She's going back to work tomorrow.
- Sophie's going back to work?!
54
00:02:56,900 --> 00:02:59,400
That's outside the terms
of the treaty! Six weeks!
55
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Six weeks till we go back!
This isn't six weeks, this is three!
56
00:03:02,700 --> 00:03:05,500
Shit! I've gotta get in there
to stop her lies.
57
00:03:05,500 --> 00:03:07,100
What lies?
58
00:03:07,100 --> 00:03:09,400
That I jilted her at the altar.
59
00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:13,400
Right, technically... I'm on your side,
but, technically, that's not a lie.
60
00:03:13,400 --> 00:03:16,000
I did not jilt her.
Technically, I married her.
61
00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:19,300
Well, maybe, but I think
what sticks in everyone's memory
62
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is the bit where you jilted her.
63
00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:24,800
Oh, shit! If you think that,
what's everyone else gonna think?
64
00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:26,800
Oh, God! I've gotta get in there.
65
00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:31,100
If she wants a PR war, she can have
a PR war. I'll Mandelson her!
66
00:03:31,100 --> 00:03:34,200
Nobody wanted New Labour, but now
we all now how it works.
67
00:03:35,900 --> 00:03:38,200
'Walking into the jaws of death.
68
00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:41,400
'Gotta go past Sophie's desk.
What am I gonna say?
69
00:03:41,500 --> 00:03:42,900
'Please save me, Jesus!
70
00:03:42,900 --> 00:03:47,000
'I'll believe in you if you save me now.
The other way!
71
00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:50,600
'She's looking the other way.
Thank you, Jesus!
72
00:03:50,700 --> 00:03:53,700
'Although it was 50/50
which way she'd be looking.
73
00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:56,000
'Might need a bit more
to start believing.
74
00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:59,500
'Oh, the gossip mill.
That's right, stare at Hess.
75
00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:03,800
'Throw fruit at Hess,
pacing his prison yard. Hmm...
76
00:04:03,900 --> 00:04:05,800
'Piggin' tea break.
77
00:04:05,900 --> 00:04:10,000
'Cup of piggin' tea and work out
my piggin' campaign strategy.
78
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:12,900
'Oh, knickers! Here we go, Lisa!
79
00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:18,100
'She's not saying anything!
Brilliant! Good old English reserve. '
80
00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:23,300
Erm, Mark, I just wanna say,
about the wedding and everything...
81
00:04:23,300 --> 00:04:25,400
I think you're a real piece of shit.
82
00:04:25,500 --> 00:04:28,600
Oh... OK...
83
00:04:28,700 --> 00:04:31,400
'That's fair.
Lisa is a very fair person. '
84
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DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
85
00:04:35,300 --> 00:04:36,700
What do you think?
86
00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:39,300
This is raw.
Who is this? Is this us?
87
00:04:39,300 --> 00:04:42,600
It's a simple shit-muncher.
Sophie's cousin.
88
00:04:44,100 --> 00:04:47,600
Shit! He's done something there,
ain't he? How do you do that?
89
00:04:47,600 --> 00:04:49,500
I think that what's happening
90
00:04:49,500 --> 00:04:53,600
is two or maybe three different
musical things all at the same time.
91
00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:58,500
This is the kinda thing
we should be doing.
92
00:04:58,500 --> 00:05:00,200
Complicated shit.
93
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:04,600
Complicated shit like this - wouldn't
that be against the big beat manifesto?
94
00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:07,700
- You read the big beat manifesto?
- Did we write it down?
95
00:05:07,700 --> 00:05:11,700
The big beat manifesto goes, "Big beats
are the best, get high all the time. "
96
00:05:11,700 --> 00:05:16,600
Right. At the time, it felt like a much
more all-encompassing philosophy.
97
00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:18,000
Can we have this? Can we use it?
98
00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:23,100
Listening to this, it did make me think.
Lately, I've been having some ideas,
99
00:05:23,100 --> 00:05:27,800
and this is exactly the sort of thing
that I was thinking of doing.
100
00:05:27,900 --> 00:05:32,000
- He's nicked your idea?
- Has he? That's what I'm wondering.
101
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Nicked my idea
and then done it back to me.
102
00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:38,300
We should invite him down.
We could teach this kid a thing or two.
103
00:05:38,300 --> 00:05:41,700
Until he arrives,
shall we send this out to promoters?
104
00:05:41,700 --> 00:05:45,900
Yeah. This is the best example
of the stuff we do, we've ever had.
105
00:05:45,900 --> 00:05:50,800
Oh, yeah, cos sometimes it's really hard
actually to do your own ideas.
106
00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:55,500
'OK, grab your nuts, Corrigan.
107
00:05:55,500 --> 00:05:57,700
'First contact.
108
00:05:57,700 --> 00:06:01,100
'There she is. Sophie.
Should I go over?
109
00:06:01,100 --> 00:06:04,200
'Forget the spin war?
Apologise? Stab myself with a fork?
110
00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:07,000
'They only have plastic.
111
00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:09,800
'Oh, crying! Yes, nice
112
00:06:09,800 --> 00:06:13,900
'That'll play well with the
floating voters. Nice tears, Goebbels!
113
00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:17,500
'Her and her mates will probably
start handing out vicious cartoons
114
00:06:17,500 --> 00:06:21,400
'of me as a rodent in a top hat,
and everyone'll think it's hilarious,
115
00:06:21,400 --> 00:06:25,200
'until a mob comes round
and smashes my shop window.
116
00:06:25,200 --> 00:06:28,900
'At least I've got off the roast wagon.
Oh, God! There she goes!
117
00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:31,300
'This is a public relations nightmare!
118
00:06:31,300 --> 00:06:36,200
'Where do I sit? This must be what
it's like being a nonce in prison. '
119
00:06:36,200 --> 00:06:39,500
Erm... Hello. Is it OK if I go here?
120
00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:41,800
'Please don't call me
a piece of shit. '
121
00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:43,400
Sure, whatever.
122
00:06:43,500 --> 00:06:46,700
I'm Debbie,
but everyone calls me Dobby.
123
00:06:46,800 --> 00:06:50,700
Are you new? I don't think
I've seen you here before, have I?
124
00:06:50,700 --> 00:06:53,400
I'm the IT misfit,
the man with no name!
125
00:06:53,500 --> 00:06:56,500
I'm in and out -
Kettering, Croydon, Aberdeen.
126
00:06:56,600 --> 00:06:58,300
Oh, right. I'm Mark,
127
00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:02,000
but you've probably heard of me
under some other abusive name.
128
00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:03,000
No, why?
129
00:07:03,100 --> 00:07:07,300
Oh, no, just... Everyone
abuses everyone now, don't they?
130
00:07:07,400 --> 00:07:09,800
"Fuck off. Fuck off, you wanker. "
131
00:07:09,900 --> 00:07:12,800
It's supposed to be funny,
but of course it's not.
132
00:07:15,700 --> 00:07:18,500
Wow! You... you carry personal cheese?
133
00:07:18,500 --> 00:07:20,700
Is that allowed?
134
00:07:20,700 --> 00:07:25,300
- I'm a smoker. I need man-Cheddar.
- Right. If you like, you could...
135
00:07:25,300 --> 00:07:30,400
'If I was seen sharing cheese with
a woman, it could be misinterpreted.
136
00:07:30,400 --> 00:07:34,300
'My approval rating would drop through
the floor. It looks like she gnaws it. '
137
00:07:34,400 --> 00:07:38,600
I'm fine. I think if I ate anything
with any flavour in this room
138
00:07:38,600 --> 00:07:40,700
my body would probably spasm
due to shock!
139
00:07:40,700 --> 00:07:42,100
Right! Yeah.
140
00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:44,400
Oh, by the way,
141
00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:48,000
is it possible to easily put a block on
a couple of e-mail addresses?
142
00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:49,400
Why, what you been getting?
143
00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:52,400
Oh, nothing, just some crap.
144
00:07:52,400 --> 00:07:56,300
"You're a piece of shit, shitter.
Stuff your bollocks up your gob. "
145
00:07:56,300 --> 00:07:58,700
It's just mates, and that.
146
00:07:58,800 --> 00:08:00,500
"Fuck off and shut up and die. "
147
00:08:00,500 --> 00:08:02,900
Yeah. They're... They're pretty funny.
148
00:08:02,900 --> 00:08:05,100
Arseholes.
149
00:08:05,100 --> 00:08:09,100
OK, Jeff, Lisa, Paul -
their e-mails are going to junk.
150
00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:10,600
You can check 'em if you want.
151
00:08:10,700 --> 00:08:13,900
Plus, I've put an auto reply
offering them
152
00:08:13,900 --> 00:08:16,500
to come and sit on your hairy dick.
153
00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:19,200
- Joke.
- Oh!
154
00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:24,300
'That's a good joke! She's nice. She's
being nice! I'm pathetically grateful!
155
00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:26,300
'Maybe I should
ask her out for a drink.
156
00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:30,000
'She is a floating voter,
plus she's weirdly attractive.
157
00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:32,400
'No, don't go there, Clinton! '
158
00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:38,000
Oh, wow, this is your room!
This is so cool!
159
00:08:38,100 --> 00:08:41,300
'Think I've found someone
to do my hoovering. '
160
00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:45,000
These your jeans?
These your actual jeans?
161
00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:47,800
Look, this is what I'd look like
wearing your jeans.
162
00:08:47,900 --> 00:08:52,300
"Hi, I'm Jeremy. I've got loads of
girlfriends and hash. Look at my jeans!"
163
00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:55,600
Yeah, that is a bit like me.
164
00:08:55,600 --> 00:08:57,300
Here we go.
165
00:08:57,300 --> 00:09:00,800
Just typed up a little contract
on Professor Yaffle's computer.
166
00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:02,800
A contract?
167
00:09:02,900 --> 00:09:08,000
Yeah. It's a standard procedure
for a new band member.
168
00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:12,000
Right. Maybe I should just show that
to my dad's solicitor?
169
00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:13,500
No! No, no.
170
00:09:13,600 --> 00:09:17,100
Sign it,
and we can talk about it later.
171
00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:19,600
Before you sign it,
it's all a lot of waffle.
172
00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:21,200
Hey...
173
00:09:21,300 --> 00:09:24,600
Barney? Is it? What are you doing here?
What's going on?
174
00:09:24,700 --> 00:09:27,400
Barney's staying over for a bit.
He's joined the band.
175
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,400
What?
176
00:09:29,500 --> 00:09:33,700
Actually, these guys were saying they
wouldn't mind some cheese McCoy's.
177
00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:36,200
Do you want me
to get you anything from the shop?
178
00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:38,300
No, I think I'm fine, actually.
179
00:09:38,300 --> 00:09:42,100
While you're down there,
how about some Ribena and a Twirl?
180
00:09:42,100 --> 00:09:46,500
OK. McCoy's, Ribena and Twirl.
I'll go grab my jacket.
181
00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:52,100
Jeremy,
he's Sophie's cousin, for God's sake!
182
00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:56,400
- You're sleeping with the enemy!
- Oh, relax, Mark, it's fine!
183
00:09:56,400 --> 00:10:00,100
Mark, they want me to
sign this contract. Should I sign it?
184
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:03,800
Not even sure where you'd sign it.
Is that meant to be a dotted line?
185
00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:08,000
Who drew this up? A lot of these
aren't proper sentences.
186
00:10:08,100 --> 00:10:11,400
It's legalese, all right?
Keep your beak out.
187
00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:15,200
Look, Mark, we heard today
we've got a spot at the Fuck Bunker.
188
00:10:15,300 --> 00:10:17,300
The Fuck Bunker?
189
00:10:17,300 --> 00:10:21,400
Yes. And we've got a A&R man coming,
so we need to have a contract.
190
00:10:21,500 --> 00:10:23,400
Everything nice and tied down, yeah?
191
00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:25,800
Right, fine, I don't give a shit.
192
00:10:25,900 --> 00:10:28,800
Looks good to me, Barney.
Go for it, dude
193
00:10:28,800 --> 00:10:32,600
Cool. McCoy's, Ribena and a Twirl.
194
00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:36,200
McCoy's, Ribena and a Twirl.
McCoy's, Ribena and a Twirl...
195
00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:38,400
He's not sucking you off, is he?
196
00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:40,400
No, of course he isn't!
197
00:10:40,500 --> 00:10:42,700
Probably would.
198
00:10:42,700 --> 00:10:46,600
You've to be careful, asking someone to
get you a Twirl who'd also suck you off.
199
00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:48,000
'Still...
200
00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:50,000
'blow job and a Twirl. '
201
00:10:53,100 --> 00:10:56,400
'Got the nod, the mark of the human.
202
00:10:56,400 --> 00:11:00,300
'I'm a human, you're a human.
What else is there to say? '
203
00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:01,800
Hi, Mark. Nice to see you.
204
00:11:01,900 --> 00:11:03,500
Dobby, likewise.
205
00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:07,700
There's meant to be
a bunch of USB sticks here, but...
206
00:11:07,800 --> 00:11:10,200
'God, there's an atmosphere.
207
00:11:10,300 --> 00:11:14,400
'Sexual tension? Or just
misfit scared of sexual tension? '
208
00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:17,100
DOOR CLOSES
Ooh, er!
209
00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:21,300
'Oh, no! This is a disciplinary hearing
waiting to happen. '
210
00:11:21,300 --> 00:11:25,900
- Oh, I can't reach. Could you?
- Er, yeah, sure.
211
00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:27,600
Erm, you'll...
212
00:11:29,100 --> 00:11:34,200
- You'll have to... move.
- Yeah, I should move, but...
213
00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:36,900
I might not move.
214
00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:41,500
'Ls she shifting her bum
against my area? '
215
00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:45,900
Er, are you, are you... sure you don't
wanna get out of the way?
216
00:11:45,900 --> 00:11:47,400
I'm all right.
217
00:11:47,400 --> 00:11:50,900
'What if someone comes in?
Should step away.
218
00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:52,700
'Step away from the bum.
219
00:11:52,700 --> 00:11:56,700
'Bit impolite to step away.
I don't want to step away. '
220
00:11:56,700 --> 00:12:01,500
- I've got some feta today.
- Oh, feta?
221
00:12:01,600 --> 00:12:04,100
Er, that's a sheep's cheese,
isn't it?
222
00:12:04,100 --> 00:12:08,600
- I don't know.
- Yeah, yeah, I believe so...
223
00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:11,200
Or... Or goat's...
224
00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:13,900
'This is possibly
the most exciting thing
225
00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:15,800
'that has happened to anyone ever!
226
00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:17,800
'Does she know what she's doing?
227
00:12:17,900 --> 00:12:20,600
'Ls she just innocently
waggling her bum around
228
00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:24,500
'and I'm getting illegal benefit?
I'm not doing a sexual assault, am I?
229
00:12:24,600 --> 00:12:27,900
'You can't do a sexual assault
if you stay still, like a statue.
230
00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:29,500
'I'm just a statue.
231
00:12:29,600 --> 00:12:31,900
'A dirty, filthy statue!
232
00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:36,500
'Oh, God! I'm getting very... Captain
Corrigan is flying without a licence!
233
00:12:36,500 --> 00:12:39,200
'Oh, Jesus! It's too much.
I'm gonna blow my beans!
234
00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:41,200
'I'm gonna do a Chesil Beach!
235
00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:43,200
'Don't let her know! '
236
00:12:43,300 --> 00:12:45,600
- Ah, ah!
- Are you OK?
237
00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:50,300
I'm fine, er, but... Sorry...
I should be going,
238
00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:54,300
cos, you know,
the world turns on its axis.
239
00:12:54,300 --> 00:12:57,200
One man works while
another relaxes.
240
00:12:57,200 --> 00:13:00,200
Ah, Post-Its.
241
00:13:00,300 --> 00:13:01,800
Bye.
242
00:13:04,300 --> 00:13:06,500
'Er, did she notice?
243
00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:09,000
'Should have stayed for at least a snog,
244
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:12,400
'but my interest level
just dropped straight off.
245
00:13:12,500 --> 00:13:15,900
'God, it's soggy down there!
It's gonna start chafing.
246
00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:18,100
'Need to clean up. Need to get out.
247
00:13:18,100 --> 00:13:23,700
'Shit! Elaine and Michael. They'll
probably wanna talk quarterly sales.
248
00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:27,700
'Fire exit. Could bust out here
and out into the car park.
249
00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:28,800
'Fuck! '
250
00:13:28,900 --> 00:13:32,000
- Hey, it's the wedding crasher!
- Hello, you two.
251
00:13:32,100 --> 00:13:35,700
'Oh, she's smoking a joint with her ex,
when we should be newlyweds,
252
00:13:35,700 --> 00:13:39,400
'remorselessly working our way
through The Lovers' Guide. '
253
00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:43,100
Hi, Sophe, how are you?
How are you... feeling?
254
00:13:43,100 --> 00:13:46,000
Well,
I want to give things another go.
255
00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:47,300
You do?
256
00:13:47,300 --> 00:13:49,800
No, of course I fucking don't!
257
00:13:49,800 --> 00:13:51,500
THEY LAUGH
258
00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:53,200
Oh, that was funny, though.
259
00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:56,900
- We should talk about divorce options.
- Yeah, maybe not...
260
00:13:57,000 --> 00:14:00,500
'while I'm in spermy pants
and you're high. '... here.
261
00:14:00,500 --> 00:14:02,700
Whatever, Mark. Run away again.
262
00:14:02,700 --> 00:14:05,500
I'm having a laugh - a-hah! -
so I don't really give a toss.
263
00:14:05,500 --> 00:14:09,800
What you doing out here, anyway, Mark?
And what's that on your trousers?
264
00:14:09,900 --> 00:14:12,700
'Oh, God! It's seeping through! '
265
00:14:12,700 --> 00:14:15,100
Have you... pissed yourself?
266
00:14:15,200 --> 00:14:16,700
Er...
267
00:14:16,700 --> 00:14:24,100
Yeah. Yeah, I did a little bit
of wee on myself, so...
268
00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:26,800
THEY GIGGLE
269
00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:29,000
You twat!
270
00:14:29,100 --> 00:14:31,100
THEY LAUGH
271
00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:38,400
'Oh, yeah, they can laugh, but I win
because they think I pissed myself!
272
00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:41,400
'They've no clue
I came all in my pants! '
273
00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:47,700
Ahem!
274
00:14:47,700 --> 00:14:49,000
Anything?
275
00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:50,400
Can I have a sandwich?
276
00:14:50,500 --> 00:14:52,600
Oh, dude, what? Come on.
277
00:14:52,700 --> 00:14:56,000
We need more tracks for the gig.
Good ones.
278
00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:59,000
I know, but it's hard
to be creative when you're hungry.
279
00:14:59,100 --> 00:15:02,200
How long can it take to come up with
three minutes of music?
280
00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:03,200
Six minutes, max.
281
00:15:03,300 --> 00:15:06,300
That's being generous.
That's two minutes per minute.
282
00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:09,400
Can I have an apple?
- Do you think I'm made of apples?
283
00:15:09,500 --> 00:15:11,200
All right. You can have a poppadom.
284
00:15:11,300 --> 00:15:13,700
You can have one poppadom
and a bit of chutney.
285
00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:15,100
Cool, thanks.
286
00:15:15,200 --> 00:15:18,600
'I'm so generous.
I'm like a techno-Ghandi. '
287
00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:22,900
Oi, was thinking about what Mark
said the other day about Barney?
288
00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:24,900
- Bet you would, wouldn't you?
- What?
289
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:26,300
Suck one of us off.
290
00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:30,400
No, no. I wouldn't.
291
00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:32,600
What if we said
you couldn't be in the band
292
00:15:32,700 --> 00:15:34,400
unless you sucked one of us off?
293
00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:36,600
No! No, I wouldn't.
294
00:15:36,700 --> 00:15:39,100
You had to think twice,
though, didn't you?
295
00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:40,700
No, I didn't, honestly.
296
00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:44,800
Which one of us, then? If you had
to pick, which one would you pick?
297
00:15:44,800 --> 00:15:46,900
Go on! If you had to?
298
00:15:46,900 --> 00:15:49,500
All right, OK, I guess, then,
if I had to pick...
299
00:15:49,500 --> 00:15:53,700
- It would be Super Hans.
- I knew you would. Who wouldn't?
300
00:15:53,800 --> 00:15:57,500
You'd suck Super Hans off?
That is so funny.
301
00:15:57,600 --> 00:15:58,600
'Screw them!
302
00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:02,300
'I'll just keep trying to suck
myself off. I'll get there eventually. '
303
00:16:04,900 --> 00:16:08,100
'Dobby, my cupboard lover.
Stationery sex queen.
304
00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:11,600
'I can't ask her out,
I'll be dead in the PR water.
305
00:16:11,700 --> 00:16:13,600
'Oh, don't think about it.
306
00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:15,600
'Just drink buckets of tea.
307
00:16:15,700 --> 00:16:18,200
'Piggin' tea break!
308
00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:22,000
' "Oops, butterfingers, your clumsy
wife!" She has gone beyond now.
309
00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:24,300
'That is too much.
That is way over the line.
310
00:16:24,300 --> 00:16:27,600
'Maybe I'll stick it back to Harpenden,
Harpenden, Harpenden,
311
00:16:27,700 --> 00:16:29,000
'see how she likes that! '
312
00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:32,200
'No, can't we
leave the mugs out of it?
313
00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:35,300
'Even the Mob never hit the families. '
314
00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:38,400
So it's true. I heard about the rumours
but I couldn't believe it.
315
00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:41,300
I'm so sorry about your mug, Mark.
316
00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:44,300
So you know Sophie's behaviour's
become unacceptable.
317
00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:46,200
I've instructed her to take a break.
318
00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:49,100
She'll spend time with her parents...
in the country.
319
00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:51,600
Right. Wow!
320
00:16:51,700 --> 00:16:54,200
'Oh, my God!
This is piggin' massive.
321
00:16:54,300 --> 00:16:56,500
'I've won the spin war. '
322
00:16:56,500 --> 00:16:58,300
Would you like to?
323
00:16:58,300 --> 00:17:00,500
Smash it? Er, thank you, but no.
324
00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:02,100
Very well.
325
00:17:03,700 --> 00:17:06,900
I can't believe I let this
happen on my watch.
326
00:17:06,900 --> 00:17:09,600
'Right, Dobby.
Who cares what people think?
327
00:17:09,600 --> 00:17:12,000
'I'm back, baby. The bitch is back. '
328
00:17:14,500 --> 00:17:16,500
Hey, Dobs!
329
00:17:16,500 --> 00:17:20,900
I just wondered if you fancied coming
down with me to the Fuck Bunker...
330
00:17:20,900 --> 00:17:24,400
- Is that the stationery cupboard?
- No! God, no!
331
00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:26,000
No, no... It's a venue.
332
00:17:26,100 --> 00:17:29,400
My mate's playing
a gig down there on Friday,
333
00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:32,300
and I thought it might be to cool
to swing by and check it out.
334
00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:35,400
Your mate's playing a gig.
Check it out.
335
00:17:35,500 --> 00:17:40,000
Mark, you're not trying to pretend
you're a normal human being, are you?
336
00:17:40,100 --> 00:17:44,200
'She's the one! Oh, Dobby,
let me chew on your weird hair! '
337
00:17:46,500 --> 00:17:49,300
'I wonder if the A&R guy's
here yet.
338
00:17:49,300 --> 00:17:50,800
'Which one could he be?
339
00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:53,700
'Could be him. Perfect cover.
340
00:17:53,800 --> 00:17:56,000
'Or her.
341
00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:58,200
'Or her. Lot of women here.
342
00:17:58,200 --> 00:18:04,000
'Hmm. Women, there they are, walking
around, and they've all got them -
343
00:18:04,100 --> 00:18:09,500
'under their clothes, hiding there,
but I know the secret.
344
00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:11,600
'Vaginas.
345
00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:13,700
'She's got one.
346
00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:16,700
'She's got one.
347
00:18:16,700 --> 00:18:18,700
'She's got one.
348
00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:22,900
'She's definitely got one. '
349
00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:29,400
'She's trying to make out she hasn't
got one, but I know she has.
350
00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:33,200
'Got to stop thinking about vaginas.
It's my big night.
351
00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:35,400
'Mmm, vaginas. '
352
00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:38,800
- Come on, open up, it's gig time.
- What's going on?
353
00:18:38,900 --> 00:18:41,200
Barney's locked himself
in the bloody bog.
354
00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:44,300
- What have you done to him?
- Nothing. Jesus!
355
00:18:44,300 --> 00:18:45,500
He's a fucker!
356
00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:47,800
Has he been sucking you off?
357
00:18:47,900 --> 00:18:49,200
No, course not.
358
00:18:49,300 --> 00:18:51,100
Yes.
359
00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:52,400
Well, maybe once.
360
00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:54,100
What the fuck are we gonna do?
361
00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:58,400
We don't know how to play his...
our music. We're the frontmen.
362
00:18:58,400 --> 00:19:01,900
I was planning on waving a maraca
and giving the hotties my sex eyes.
363
00:19:01,900 --> 00:19:04,200
Why the hell did you get him
to suck you off?
364
00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:07,000
I dunno, do I?
I was just bored. It's rock'n'roll.
365
00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:09,800
We're backstage.
Someone's gotta suck someone off.
366
00:19:09,900 --> 00:19:14,000
Iggy, Bowie, Lou Reid, TuPac...
They're all sucking each other off.
367
00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:15,100
You're on!
368
00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:18,600
Shit! We're on!
What... What are we gonna do?
369
00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:21,900
Barney? Barney,
come on out, mate. Please.
370
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:24,600
You go out, keep the crowd happy.
I'll sort Barney out.
371
00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:26,400
All right. All right.
372
00:19:26,500 --> 00:19:28,500
Just don't... don't suck him off.
373
00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:31,400
All right?
And don't make him suck you off.
374
00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:34,400
Just get him out there
without any more sucking off!
375
00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:39,000
Two bottles of premium lager
and two double whiskies, please.
376
00:19:39,100 --> 00:19:41,400
'Don't keep the change! '
377
00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:43,400
Ah, good old alcohol.
378
00:19:43,500 --> 00:19:46,200
Facilitates the talking of shite!
379
00:19:46,300 --> 00:19:49,700
Long term, there's depression,
lethargy and addiction.
380
00:19:49,800 --> 00:19:51,900
But who's looking to the long term?
381
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:53,800
CHEERING
382
00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:57,800
Hey, everyone.
So, great, we're almost ready,
383
00:19:57,900 --> 00:20:00,300
but before we... rock you...
384
00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:04,100
erm... we need to find out...
are you ready?
385
00:20:04,100 --> 00:20:05,700
Yeah!
386
00:20:05,700 --> 00:20:06,800
Yeah, OK!
387
00:20:06,900 --> 00:20:11,000
But are you really...
Are you really, really, really ready?
388
00:20:11,100 --> 00:20:12,700
Yeah!
389
00:20:12,800 --> 00:20:15,300
Great, you're really... you're ready.
390
00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:17,600
So... Yeah, yeah,
so you're ready to party.
391
00:20:17,700 --> 00:20:20,100
OK, we know that now.
But my next question is...
392
00:20:20,200 --> 00:20:21,700
'What is he saying? '
393
00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:27,400
Are you ready to party hard,
right here, right now?
394
00:20:27,500 --> 00:20:29,600
'He's just talking words
out of his mouth. '
395
00:20:29,700 --> 00:20:31,000
Mega.
396
00:20:32,700 --> 00:20:37,100
Wow, the ladies. Nice to see it's
almost as disgusting as the gents.
397
00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:40,400
It used to be all pink and tidy
but then feminism happened
398
00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:42,700
and we all just started
pissing on the floor.
399
00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:44,900
Of course, girl power.
400
00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:48,200
'Wow, this is better than
watching Jeremy dying on stage.
401
00:20:48,300 --> 00:20:52,400
'She really seems to have
a thing about confined spaces.
402
00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:54,600
'Just hope I don't go off
in my pants again. '
403
00:20:54,700 --> 00:20:57,300
VOMITING
What's that?
404
00:20:57,300 --> 00:21:00,100
It's a nightclub, it's normal.
405
00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:02,300
She's... she's probably on drugs.
406
00:21:02,300 --> 00:21:05,500
She's probably having
the time of her life.
407
00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:08,300
'Oh, God! I know that boot.
408
00:21:08,300 --> 00:21:11,800
'I know that foot.
I know that crying sound. '
409
00:21:11,800 --> 00:21:15,600
Mark, I really think we should check
on her. She might have passed out.
410
00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:17,900
No, Dobby! Hold on, no, Dobby!
411
00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:20,000
Mark!
412
00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:22,000
Hi, Sophie.
413
00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:23,900
You know her?
- Uh-huh, yeah.
414
00:21:23,900 --> 00:21:26,600
I'm his wife.
415
00:21:26,600 --> 00:21:31,200
She doesn't know what she's saying.
She's off her head on street drugs.
416
00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:33,600
What have you taken, Sophie?
417
00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:36,200
Who knows? Who the fuck cares?
418
00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:37,700
What are you even doing here?
419
00:21:37,700 --> 00:21:40,100
I thought you were staying
with your parents.
420
00:21:40,100 --> 00:21:42,900
I ran away from home
to see Barney, thanks, dickhead.
421
00:21:42,900 --> 00:21:45,200
Sophe, please.
422
00:21:45,300 --> 00:21:48,800
We are a bit married,
but not properly.
423
00:21:48,900 --> 00:21:50,800
It was never consummated.
424
00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:53,200
And you're not gonna
get Nana's cottage,
425
00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:55,200
so you can shove it
up your arsehole!
426
00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:56,700
OK, I'm gonna head off.
427
00:21:56,700 --> 00:21:57,900
But, Dobby, I...
428
00:21:58,000 --> 00:22:02,300
'I've been caught out, like
Angus Deayton or Harold Shipman. '
429
00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:08,000
You're like
a life-support machine, Mark.
430
00:22:08,100 --> 00:22:10,800
Well... Thank you, Sophie.
431
00:22:10,900 --> 00:22:13,900
Except instead of giving life
you suck it all out of people!
432
00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:15,900
'My beautiful wife. '
433
00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:19,800
I wanna go home. I wanna go home.
I wanna go home. I wanna go home.
434
00:22:19,900 --> 00:22:22,700
I wanna go home. I wanna go home.
I wanna go home.
435
00:22:23,300 --> 00:22:25,900
- What's going on?
- He wants to go home.
436
00:22:25,900 --> 00:22:28,200
I'll take care of him,
thank you very much.
437
00:22:28,300 --> 00:22:31,300
All right, grandad, hold on.
Can't they give us ten?
438
00:22:31,400 --> 00:22:35,200
He's in a K-hole right now,
but in ten the speed'll kick in.
439
00:22:35,300 --> 00:22:37,900
Can of Coke and a ciggie,
he'll be right as rain.
440
00:22:37,900 --> 00:22:39,400
I don't wanna sit down.
441
00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:41,600
I wanna run behind the car
all the way home.
442
00:22:41,600 --> 00:22:42,800
We've missed our slot.
443
00:22:42,900 --> 00:22:46,800
Dance Witch Abortion are on now
and they're rocking out.
444
00:22:46,800 --> 00:22:50,300
- Ah, Mark, of course.
- I'm so sorry about all this, Ian.
445
00:22:50,300 --> 00:22:54,600
'Lan? He is Ian, isn't he?
Suppose now I've jilted his daughter
446
00:22:54,700 --> 00:22:58,500
'I could call him Captain Cockring
and it wouldn't make things worse. '
447
00:22:58,500 --> 00:23:02,800
- Super Hans, did I do it right?
- Yeah, yeah, you did it fine.
448
00:23:02,900 --> 00:23:04,100
What did you do to him?
449
00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:05,400
You've ruined this.
450
00:23:05,400 --> 00:23:08,400
Why couldn't you have got him
to suck you off after the gig?
451
00:23:08,400 --> 00:23:10,300
He did what?!
452
00:23:10,300 --> 00:23:15,100
Barney? What makes you
do these things, Mark?
453
00:23:15,100 --> 00:23:18,000
I'm not the one he sucked off!
454
00:23:18,100 --> 00:23:20,200
I hate you, Mark.
I fucking hate you.
455
00:23:20,200 --> 00:23:22,900
Super Hans! I love you.
Don't leave me!
456
00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:27,200
He's not all he's cracked up to be.
Who's the really cool one?
457
00:23:27,200 --> 00:23:31,200
You should look a bit deeper before
you go sucking someone off next time.
458
00:23:33,300 --> 00:23:34,500
Prick.
459
00:23:34,500 --> 00:23:37,000
'OK, what now?
460
00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:39,600
'Go home and roast
the shit out of some meat. '
461
00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:49,900
Paranoia, paranoia
462
00:23:49,900 --> 00:23:52,900
Everybody's comin' to get me
463
00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:55,800
Just say you never met me
464
00:23:55,900 --> 00:24:01,000
I'm runnin' underground
with the moles, diggin' holes
37687
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