Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.BZ

♪ Laa la-la laa ♪

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ

♪ La-la laa la ♪

♪ La-la laa la ♪

♪ La-la laa la ♪

♪ La-la laa la ♪

♪ La-la laa la ♪

♪ Mary Mary it looks like clean ♪

♪ And the game is lookin' all the same ♪

♪ Why don't you just quit it too ♪

♪ Someone else will tend your zoo ♪

♪ Mary when you come back ♪

- Hi. - Hi.

Hi.

Um, he's still alive.

Won't be for long.

'What makes you so sure?'

Look at him.

Um, will you help me get him off the beach?

'Not me. If he bites you, you can get rabies.'

Oh, rabies my ass.

What's your name?

Sandy.

- I'm Peter. This is Dan. - Hi.

- 'Which house are you in?' - Over there, the Stern house.

Hey, look, will you help me get him off the beach?

These gulls are pretty dirty animals.

If they bite you, you really can get sick.

'Oh, never mind. I'll do it myself.'

Give me your towel.

Look, if we don't get him off the beach, he's gonna die!

He's gonna die anyway.

Well what happened to him?

I don't know, I was just walking

along the beach, and there he was.

Maybe he flew into something.

W-w-what could he fly into?

Another bird?

♪ Hey this weekend ♪

♪ Where the music is ♪

♪ Saturday Sunday W-A-B-C ♪

'Free-swinging music power all weekend long'

'at 77 W-A-B-C.'

'On a day like today it's good to be with you'

wherever you are.

♪ W-A-B-C power hit three ♪

'Big Dan with more music power.'

'Let's get the inside poop on'

'Hal the Handyman. Alright, Hal. Comehere.

♪ Any time you got a thing needs fixin' ♪

♪ All you need is Hal the Handyman ♪

Watch him. I'll be right back.

♪ Any time at all all you got to do is call ♪

How old?

- Uh, she's just a kid. - Talks older.

How can you tell if it's a male or a female?

Hmm?

Oh, males have one, same as you and me.

Hey, let's take a look when he dies.

If he dies.

Ah, he'll die.

Not if she has anything to say about it.

'What's that?'

Beef consommé.

Oh, you got to be kidding.

Shut up.

Doesn't like it.

He does, too. Gulls like everything.

They eat all kinds of crap.

You're just gonna kill him quicker by drowning him.

Hey, see, he does too like it. Whoo!

'Why don't you let him die in peace?'

No!

No, he's a sweet, old bird.

'What are you gonna do with that sweet, old bird?'

I'll make him my pet.

'Hold him.'

Very good, now you have a half-dead bird

tied to a deck railing.

Hey, what is that thing in his neck?

- 'Where?' - Right there.

What is that thing? Jesus! It's a fishhook!

- Oh, God! - 'Look at that!'

That thing's swallowed a fish hook!

'How come there's no blood?'

Look you're gonna have to take it out!

Who, me? You're out of your mind!

Well, will you do it?

'Look, someone has to, or he's gonna die!'

Please?

I suppose I can try.

Hey, Superman, hold his beak.

- You kidding... - Come on! Hold his beak open!

- I'll hold it open. - Okay.

No, look I'll do it, but if he bites me...

- Just hold his beak open! - I'll hold his feet.

No, you go get me a pair of pliers.

I want to cut the barb.

Okay, come on, hold his beak.

'How am I gonna get it open?'

Open it, alright?

'Okay. Ow! Damn it!'

'Hurry up.'

Look, I can't hurry up, I'll tear his throat apart!

It's stuck in his throat.

Oh, God.

'If I... just push that thing.'

'through it's neck.'

Got it?

Did you get it?

Yeah, I got it.

Oh, Peter, you saved his life!

Thank you! Thank you both!

I'll go get some bandages.

♪ Slippin' ♪

♪ Reelin' ♪

♪ Spinnin' ♪

♪ You're all over my mind ♪

♪ I'm about to explode ♪

♪ You're all over my mind baby baby ♪

♪ And I'm all over it too ♪

♪ And I'm a-thinking 'bout you ♪

♪ Making me get all hot ♪

♪ Baby there is no flu ♪

- You know what? - What?

I spent all day making my bird a harness.

What does he need a harness for?

To keep him from flying away.

He's beginning to get pretty active.

You really think you can train him?

What does the word "birdbrain" mean to you?

Wait till I get back to the city!

Can't you just see me walking down Madison

with my pet sea gull on a leash?

'I want that bird off the deck!'

'I have people coming here for drinks!'

'He's the ugliest thing I ever saw!'

'I can't stand the way he looks!'

- Then don't look at him! - 'What did you say?'

- 'You heard me, Sandy!' - 'Oh.'

Snow White will be out here in a minute.

Who's Snow White?

Snow White has very fair skin

and turns lobster red in the sun.

Hi.

Hi.

Dan, Peter, Mr. Caudell.

Hi, boys.

Gorgeous day, isn't it?

Going swimming?

Oh, later on when the sun isn't so strong.

I have very fair skin.

'I turn lobster red in the sun.'

Oh, uh...

Sandy, y-your...

Mother sent me out to help you

move that bird off the deck.

We don't need any help.

'I-I think he'll be

happier around the back.'

What does my mother got against this bird?

He does look kind of menacing.

Ooh!

'You'd better move him.'

'She says he'll scare off'

'her friends.'

In my opinion, that just might be a great service.

Untie him.

Well, I guess if you're the kind of bird

that spends your whole life flappin' and squawkin'

it doesn't matter much which deck you do it on.

Yeah, and besides, he eats garbage

so it's convenient to be near a garbage can.

Is your mother divorced?

Personally, I think she's sleeping with Snow White.

Hmm. Personally, I think that's a nauseating thought.

Hey, maybe we can teach my bird to bite him!

Where'd you have in mind?

On the ass is where I had in mind.

Opener, please?

Thanks.

- Number one for the lady. - Mm-hmm.

My middle name is Bernice.

What's the matter?

This isn't beer.

It's truth serum.

My middle name is... Albert.

- I think it works. - I think so.

- Come on, Dan! Give it a try. - Dan!

I wouldn't tell you my middle name if you tortured me.

- Come on! - Drink some serum.

Okay.

My middle name is Lloyd.

Oh, that's a groovy middle name.

- What's wrong with it? - Here's to Daniel Lloyd!

Major truth.

My top is wet.

Major truth, I like girls

who say things like, "My top is wet."

I only said it under the influence of the serum.

Well, I appreciate your honesty.

Why don't you take it off?

Oh, ho, ho, ho!

'Here's a mind-busting major truth.'

- Oh. - My mother has a boyfriend.

- 'How do you know?' - Saw him.

- With her? - In bed?

- Yeah. - 'You're kidding!'

Were they doing it?

Yeah.

What did you do when you saw them?

I turned around and went back out.

Walked around for two hours.

That's a major truth, alright.

Here's one for you.

Snow White once got funny with me.

What do you mean?

- He got funny with me. - What did he do?

He stuck his hand under my skirt!

- That's disgusting! - I know!

- What did you do? - What could I do?

Well, you could have...

Could have screamed or something.

No, we were in our living room!

In your what? In your own house!

Yes! My mother was out in the kitchen!

What did he do?

What did he do, sort of...

Stick his hand under your skirt?

No. No, he, uh...

- He sneaked it under. - Oh, no!

And then he said something like, um...

"You know, Sandra.."

Wait. "You're a very pretty little girl."

- Aah! - Or some crap. I don't know.

Oh, God!

She'll never be able to look him in the eye again.

Why not? He didn't stick his hand under your skirt!

Oh! Sandy.

You bet your sweet lobster he didn't!

You still owe us a major truth.

Come on, don't be a chicken.

I'm-I'm thinking...

'About what?'

I'm thinking about Sandy's top!

Oh, for Christ's sake!

What's wrong? He's supposed to tell the truth, isn't he?

What about my top?

Nothing. It's just it's wet, that's all.

You want me to take it off?

Oh, no! I was just kidding.

No! I mean, tell the truth.

If you want me to take it off, I will.

Oh! Oh, man, I don't know.

D-Dan?

Huh. Take the damn thing off if you want.

- Does Peter want me to? - Sure! Go on! Take it off!

I don't care. Do what you want.

- It's not such a big deal. - I know.

Okay.

Oh, man, that feels 100 percent better!

I mean, after all, we're not kids here.

That's for sure.

Are you both listening?

Yeah.

Major truth.

I love you both.

- Yeah, and I love you, too. - And I love you, too.

- Let's drink to that! - Okay!

Hey, listen.

You know, we really got to be like this all the time.

Yes!

I mean, you know, no crap, huh?

- No, no, no. - Really.

There's so few people we can trust.

- You're right. - We got to trust each other.

- I trust you. - I trust you.

- I trust you. - I trust you!

- We all trust each other! - Let's drink to that!

Let's drink to that.

'You still owe us a major truth.'

- Ah, come on. - No, you do!

I can't think of anything.

- 'Come on!' - You've got to.

Listen, this is never gonna get beyond the three of us, is it?

Oh we just made a pact to trust...

- Each other, didn't we? - Right.

Okay.

- It's really disgusting. - Yeah, well, how bad can it be?

- It's pretty awful! - Oh, for God's sake.

What is it?

Well, once I made Ritz-cracker sandwiches

out of cream cheese and snot

and gave them to my cousin for lunch to eat.

Oh, my God!

Oh!

- Oh, that's... - That was disgusting!

It was great!

'What a creep!'

I am a creep!

You're right!

- Did he like it? - He loved it!

He asked for more!

I got a cousin I ought to do that to!

Yeah, me, too, only it wouldn't be snot!

- Oh, no! - Drink!

Stop it!

Ah! Let's swim!

Yeah, swim!

Swim!

'If I fill out this questionnaire'

the computer will get me a date.

'A date with a man?'

'No. With a locomotive, you jackass.'

'Let me see it.

'Please notify us the minute you become engaged.'

'If your marriage is not consummated'

'we will reactivate your card!'

Yeah, if you don't do it to each other

you get another go-round.

Hey, come on, let's fill it out.

'That costs $10.'

Dan will split it with us, don't you think?

We can ask him when he gets back from the city.

Well, look, let's, let's fill it out just for kicks, you know?

And then if he doesn't want to, we won't mail it in.

- Okay. - Okay.

My ideal mate's age should be older than I am

younger than I am, or no preference?

What's the matter with you?

Uh, no preference.

Ancestry.

I'll say Chinese and Jewish.

How's that for a combination?

Hey, you're not thinking about this at all.

I know I'm not.

What are you thinking about?

- Hmm? - What are you thinking about?

I'm thinking about that...

Time you went in the water without your top.

Oh, yeah?

Some show, huh?

Um...

Should I be very bright, bright, or average?

They don't have dumb down here!

Well, what are you?

Well, you asked me, so don't think I'm boasting

but my IQ is 157.

Hey, what's the matter with you?

I want you to do it again.

Take off my top?!

Yeah.

Oh, boy.

Um, I'm sorry.

That's what was on my mind.

Oh, boy.

H-hey, I don't understand you.

God, If you're gonna be thinking about

my breasts all the Goddamn time!

I don't think about them all the Goddamn time.

I was just thinking about them now.

You know, that bikini doesn't hide very much.

- Hey, hey, Sandy... - No.

- Come on... - Look I want you to see me.

Don't be afraid.

I'm not afraid.

You're lying.

Alright, I am afraid.

Of what?

I'll do something to you.

You won't.

How do you know?

I won't let you.

Section three, basic compatibility factors.

I believe that premarital sexual experience

is an important prerequisite to a successful marriage.

What shall I say, Peter?

Peter, shall I say no?

Uh, yeah.

Say no.

My ideal mate should be Caucasian, ***** or Oriental?

Peter?

Uh, um...

Puerto Rican, why not?

Oh, terrific! That'll really screw 'em up!

Hey, hey, Sandy?

What?

Uh...

Y-you can put your top on now.

Back on.

Thank you.

'Listen, bird.'

There's something we gotta get straight.

I'm boss here.

I'm absolute ruler over your world

and I have absolute power over you.

And what I say goes.

You understand that, bird?

Therefore, when I say fly, you fly.

- Fly! - Fly!

- Fly! Fly! - Fly!

- Fly! - Fly! Stupid.

Now, listen, bird

you just love garbage, don't you?

Now, if you're good and if you fly

you're gonna get a pile of the most

delicious garbage on this island.

Now, fly.

- Ah. - Oh!

What do you think, Wilbur?

Never get him off the ground, Orville.

'He's the same brilliant bird he always was.'

'He's a Goddamned stupid idiot.'

Bird, you're making me very angry.

Oh, now don't be angry with me, Miss Scarlett!

'Now you are going to fly!'

'I is goin' to fly!'

- Up there! - 'Up there!'

'Oh!'

What do you think you're doing to that bird?

What are you doing to the bird?

None of your damn business.

You just better leave that bird alone.

Hey, look, he's my bird!

That doesn't give you the right to torture him!

Look, why don't you get lost.

Not until you take that thing off the bird.

Well, are you gonna leave him alone

or do I have to report you to the ASPCA?

Oh, go suck your mother's tit.

Go on! Get the hell out of here!

- It's a free country. - This is a private beach!

No, it's not. None of this beach is private.

It's all dedicated to the public!

Hey, let's get back to bird training.

Over my dead body.

- Ah! - Tsk. Tsk. Lords of mercy!

Exactly what are you trying to do?

What is she trying to do?

Train him to fly.

'Doesn't he know how to fly?'

He seems to have forgotten how to fly.

A bird can't forget how to fly. It's instinctive.

Well, this bird's been walking a long time.

He also happens to be a very dumb bird.

He is not a dumb bird!

'Perhaps he prefers walking.'

Who the hell asked you?

How did he learn to walk anyway?

- We taught him. - Well, that's the answer then.

You've traumatized him.

We've what?

Taken away his sense of identity.

- I don't follow you. - I do.

He doesn't know he's a bird anymore.

Well, look at him squatting there, he probably thinks

'he's a crab.'

He knows exactly what he is.

He's a bird.

'You are a bird.'

Why, yes!

That's right! I'm a, I'm a bird!

And birds fly!

Yes, we fly!

Now, fly!

Come on, bird!

Fly, baby! Fly!

- That's great. - That's a bird, man.

- Go bird! - Go bird! Look at it.

Let me play him in like a kite.

Don't you dare! You'll break his neck!

'Okay, bird, now just guide him down.'

'He's coming down. I told you..'

That's it, baby. You're beautiful! I said it!

- I knew you'll do it. - Good bird.

Come on, baby! I get some...

Hey, give him some garbage, Peter.

- It's great, it's... - Oh, what a good bird...

'...you are!'

You're a good bird.

Now, you're gonna do it again, aren't you?

- Okay. There he goes! - There he goes!

Oh, yeah! Aw, shit.

Goddamned stupid bird!

He can't help it. You've turned him into a schizophrenic.

Ah. Let's go for a swim.

- Yeah. - I don't know how to swim.

- Who cares? - I wasn't asking you.

You still here?

Listen, if you leave him alone

maybe he'll learn by himself.

Yeah, come on, let's get in the water.

Okay. It's hot as hell.

'Hey, listen, you.'

You don't go around touching my bird, do you hear me?

I have no intention of touching your bird.

Well, don't stand around and psychoanalyze him, either.

'Come on, Sandy!'

- Yeah. - 'Yeah.'

Here, bird.

Look at me, bird.

"Darling.

"I have gone to the city to meet Mr. Caudell for dinner.

"Money on counter for yours.

"Will catch early boat back tomorrow morning.

Love, mother."

"Meet Mr. Caudell for dinner."

How do you like that for a euphemism?

What's a euphemism?

Honestly, how do you get by on such a limited vocabulary?

Oh, well, the girls I date in the winter

use sign language.

'I bet.'

Why can't she just be honest and, um...

Say that she's gone to the city

to screw the little creep?

Mm, careful, he just might be your daddy someday.

Not a chance.

She wouldn't give up her alimony to marry him.

She wouldn't give up her alimony to marry anybody.

Not even if she fell in love?

Unh-unh.

No, she says, um...

She says she's going to make my father pay until he dies.

Hey, I have a great idea.

Let's go to the mainland for lobster and a movie.

Great film.

That was sure some exciting movie.

What about those Swedes?

Well, maybe the excitement had nothing to do

with the movie at all.

Maybe it had to do with the two of you touching me

and making me feel so sexy, I thought I'd faint.

- Hey, honey, what's your hurry? - 'Hey, baby.'

'We got a little something for you.'

- Oh, Christ. - What's happening, baby.

We'll light your fire.

- See ya, fellas! - Goodbye!

Get rid of them two queers, baby!

Hell with your purse, man!

- Do we stand and fight? - Shit no.

Okay, come on, hurry. Let's get rid of 'em, boy. Yeah.

They got nothing over there.

There they go!

Come on! Don't pull away!

- Bye! - Bye!

Goodbye!

- Goodbye, you jerks! - So long...

Did you really almost faint?

'I wanna try it without the line.'

'Bye, bird.'

So long!

- 'Bye! Bye!' - 'Look, he's coming back.'

- 'Here he comes.' - 'He's coming back.'

Hey, come back. Feed him, feed him quick.

Damn!

- 'Good bird.' - 'Bird, you're trained, bird!'

Now head up the beach fast!

Come on! Run!

Come on, bird! Come on.

Come on, you can do it!

Bird, bird, bird!

'Look at that.'

- He knows! - Isn't that something?!

Isn't he brilliant? He's trained!

Ow! Ow! You freaking idiot!

- Hey, did he break the skin? - No, no, it's just a scratch.

- He was eating. - He almost ate me.

Come on, bird.

Even if he was up there, how would we recognize him?

By the harness. He's not up there.

I'll never understand how he got that line untied.

Sandy said he must have pecked the knot loose with his beak.

That's an amazing accomplishment

for such a stupid bird.

- She seem very upset to you? - Mm-mm.

I would have thought she'd have a fit...

Having him gone.

No, she's counting on us getting him back.

Hey, you think we ought to try and lay her?

Who?

Sandy.

Sandy?

Gee, I don't know.

Think she'd let us?

Let us do what?

Lay her!

Hey, look at those gulls!

Why are they all diving over the forest?

Maybe our bird wandered in there.

Maybe he got his line tangled up in some branches or something.

Come on, let's go over and see.

Hey, Peter, you're a virgin, aren't you?

Me?

What about you?

Well...

Sure.

Do you think Sandy is?

I sort of think so.

She acts awfully sexy, the way she's always

taking off her top.

I don't think she does it to be sexy.

I think she does it to be chummy, you know.

Sort of a... friendly gesture.

If she'd let us lay her

that would really be friendly.

We made a pact, didn't we?

Didn't we promise to be honest with each other?

- All the time? - 'Yes, we did.'

Then could you explain about why you lied to us?

Lied to you?

How could you think of such a thing?

We can, we can think of such a thing...

'cause you told us

that the gull untied its line and flew away.

What actually happened is that you took it

into the forest and bashed in its skull, right?

'Why did you kill him, Sandy?'

- I don't know. - 'You must know!'

'Well, suppose you think it over'

'and come up with an answer.'

Sandy, we're waiting!

Look, millions of birds get killed around here!

You don't care anything about them!

Yeah, but why millions of birds, huh?!

Why did you kill that bird?!

Look, he was my bird!

We saved his life, you know.

I can, I can do anything I want with my own bird!

Why did you kill him?

'Because I saved his life'

'and he turned on me!'

'Because he's an ungrateful bastard, that's why!'

Look why, why are you making such a fuss about him?

He was just a stupid bird!

Why did you lie to us?

I'll never lie to you again.

Never again, I promise.

No matter what happens, I won't lie!

After all, we made a pact with each other, right?

Give me another chance, will you?

Please?

What do you think, Dan?

I don't know. What do you think?

Please.

I think we ought to.

- 'Do you know Eleanor Rigby?' - Sure.

It's from "The Days of Chariot Races," wasn't it?

Do you know "Your Fly is Open?"

No, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.

Do you all live in New York?

They do. I live in New Jersey.

Whatever happened to the gull you were training?

It flew away.

Where do you live, Rhoda?

Thanks. Cleveland, Ohio.

Oh, dig that, men. Cleveland is in Ohio.

'Where do you go to school?'

Fairmont Heights High.

I'm on the paper.

'Doing what?'

I write a weekly column called "Feelings."

Sounds sexy.

It isn't.

'What is it? What is it about?'

My feelings about things.

Don't you have any feelings about sex?

What school do you go to, Sandy?

- Windsor Hall. - She's a genius.

She has an IQ of 157.

Hey, I-I wonder what happened to that thing.

I don't know. Did you send it in?

Oh, I sure did.

It's a computer dating service thing.

I think those things are horrible.

All pissed by now.

'Yeah.'

Man, your father's really on the sauce.

Saw your old lady givin' him hell tonight.

I wish to hell they'd get a divorce

so there would be some peace around the house.

Which one would you live with?

I don't know.

Both pains in the ass.

Hey come on let's go for a swim, huh?

Bare assed?

They'll see us.

Not here, up the beach!

Come on!

She'll probably go tell her mother.

My mother's dead.

Her mother's dead, you jackass!

Besides, I don't know how to swim.

'You informed us of that fascinating fact yesterday.'

Hey, let's teach her.

Now?

No! S-starting tomorrow.

You know, like, it'll be our project for the week.

I can tell by looking at her

it's gonna take more than a week.

Maybe she doesn't even want to learn to swim.

Do you?

Mmm. Mm-mm.

Well, what are you gonna do for the rest of your life?

You know sit on the shore and watch?

I'm afraid of the water.

Okay, the hell with you.

Is it deep here?

Can't go in any closer.

I'm just afraid it'll be too deep!

You can't possibly sink with this jacket on.

'Now, put your left hand on top of the jacket.'

- Like this? - Hold it tight so it won't...

Hit your chin when you jump in.

Hmm.

Now, with your right hand, hold your nose.

- Cross it over, that's right. - Hmm.

That's right.

Sh-shall I go in now?

I'll go in first.

Okay.

You know, you can let go of your nose

until you're ready to jump.

Okay.

Okay, come on! Let's go!

- 'Come on!' - You're too far away!

- Come on, Rhoda! - Come on, let's go!

- Come on. - Come on.

Okay!

Alright! Yay!

Hey! Hi, Rhoda!

You can let go of your nose now!

Hey. Hey, let's, let's tow her in!

Roll over on your back so I can tow you to the shallow water.

- Roll over, damn it! - Please roll.

- Let go! - Ow!

- Come on, will you just... - Aah!

'We're trying to help you!'

- I can't swim. - Okay, then hell with you!

- Drown. Drown. - Come on.

Good-bye, Rhoda. Glug, glug, glug, glug.

Hey, you listen to me!

I demand that you roll over now!

Okay.

Okay.

Now, stand up!

- No! - Come on, will you stand up...

And put your feet down?

It's too deep!

For Christ's sake, it's three feet deep here!

A midget could touch the bottom!

- Don't swear at me. - Will you just please...

Put your Goddamn feet down?

Are there crabs down there?

This is the ocean. There are crabs.

- Do they bite? - Yeah, they bite!

What else is there?

Barracuda!

And eels!

And squid!

'And Moby Dick! Now, come on, let's go!'

You're so masterful.

Come on.

We made it!

Whoo-hoo!

Do I have to take it off?

Can't learn to swim with a life jacket on.

Uh-huh.

We won't go into deep water, will we?

We'll stay where you can touch the bottom.

'Not deeper than my waist?'

No, not in the beginning.

Not till the end of the week?

'That's right.'

Or maybe next week?

Or maybe next week.

Some show, huh?

I think we should leave.

'No.'

No, I want to watch.

Do my back, Peter.

- Incidentally, Rhoda. - 'Hmm?'

Why do you wear such creepy bathing suits?

Do you think this bathing suit is creepy, Peter?

Yeah, it's pretty creepy.

In what way? I'd like to know.

Uh, it's an old lady's suit.

It covers too much.

'Hey, you should get a bikini.'

Wouldn't she look great in a bikini?

Yeah, sure. All the kids are wearing them.

I don't think my father would like me wearing a bikini.

'What's he got to do with it?'

He's stuffy about things like that, that's all.

Well, he looks at girls in bikinis, doesn't he?

'I don't know.'

He does.

All dirty old men look at girls in bikinis.

My father isn't a dirty old man!

He's only 38 years old!

Rhoda.

Oh, Rhoda!

Rhoda! Rhoda! You're fantastic!

Did you get it?

- Wow! - That's great!

- Is your mother home? - Unh-unh.

Any chance of her walking in on us?

No, she's at a ceramics class.

She won't be back for hours.

- Okay, pull the curtain. - Uh-oh!

Got a candle?

Uh, yeah.

Peter, can you get a match out of that?

Okay.

Do you think they'll miss it?

No.

They turned on last night.

I don't think they took inventory

before they went to bed.

- Where do they get it? - I can't ask...

Because I'm not supposed to know they have it.

They open all the windows. They think I don't smell.

Oh boy, they must think you're pretty dumb, you know?

Even the maid smells it.

She knows what it is.

She told me my mother sprinkled it

on the baked clams last Sunday.

Baked clams, no kidding.

Hey, come on now let's get going.

Now, watch me.

But you have to draw in a lot of air with it.

You got to take it way down here.

Okay?

Hmm.

No. You're wasting it.

Draw it way down here.

It's tricky.

K-keep the side of your mouth open.

Yeah.

It's better.

I don't feel anything yet.

It takes a while.

How many, how many times have you turned on?

'Just once.'

'G-g-guys at school that had it got caught and thrown out.'

Wow!

How you feel?

Boy!

It's like three martinis.

Have you ever had three martinis?

Mm-mm.

You idiot!

'Oh, God!'

Oh, God!

Shh.

Listen to that music.

'Ever hear anything like that?'

'What a sound!'

What are you looking at?

- Hmm? - Nothing.

Come on.

The acne on your chin.

I can't help it, I'm an adolescent.

'No, it's..'

'...it's beautiful.'

No, it really is. It looks...

It looks like a little flower garden.

- Pink carnations! - 'Go to hell.'

No, that's what pot does.

Makes things look different.

Okay, what do you see?

I see thousands of... twinkling crystals.

'Like... petrified snowflakes.'

Dan, you have dandruff!

- I do not! - You do. That's what that is!

- Dandruff! - That is insane.

Hey! Hey, let me wash your hair?

Oh, come on! I got a great idea for setting it.

Come on, please?

Okay, you can wash my hair if I can wash your hair.

I'll wash Dan's hair if you'll wash my hair.

Let's wash each other's hair.

♪ Lay your love on me now now now baby ♪

♪ Lay your love on me, yeah-eah-eah-eah ♪

♪ Lay your love on me now baby yeah ♪

♪ Lay your love on me ♪

♪ Lay your love on me now now now baby ♪

♪ Lay your love on me Yeah-eah-eah-eah ♪

♪ Lay your love on me now baby yeah ♪

♪ Lay your love on me ♪

♪ Lay your love on me now now now baby ♪

♪ Lay your love on me yeah-eah-eah-eah ♪

♪ Lay your love on me yeah yeah ♪

♪ Lay your love on me ♪

♪ Lay your love on me ♪

♪ Get to feel your body lay your love on me ♪

Hi, Rhoda. Come on in.

- 'Is it alright?' - Hmm. Sure.

- Hi, Rhoda. - Hi, Rhoda.

I just thought I'd come and see you.

'For sure. Take your things off.'

Summer places are awfully boring

when it rains, don't you think?

What'd she say?

She said, "Don't I think summer places

are awfully boring when it rains."

I don't think so.

- Do you, Peter? - Hmm?

Do you think summer places are often boring when it rains?

I mean, there's nothing to do.

'Well, as my third-grade teacher used to say'

"The devil finds work for idle hands."

Better believe it.

I see you've been washing your hair.

Washing each others hair.

Dan and I washed Peter's, and Peter and I washed Dan's

'and Dan and Peter washed mine, and you name it.'

My hair gets so full of sand at the beach.

I can feel it. It's so gritty.

My hair certainly needs to be washed, too.

I think that's a vast improvement.

Don't you think so, Peter?

Looks the same to me.

The same? I've styled it.

Who does he remind you of?

- Doris Day. - Bastard!

He's supposed to remind you of Marlon Brando.

You, you all seem like such good friends.

We are. We really are.

We've performed bird-surgery together

we've drunk truth serum together.

We've told each other awful things about ourselves.

It sort of creates a bond between people.

Tell us something awful about yourself, Rhoda.

There's nothing to tell.

There's always something to tell.

Hm.

My mother's dead.

'You told us that already.'

'How did she die?'

- She drowned. - Where?

On Martha's Vineyard five summers ago.

Did you see it happen?

No.

'Didn't she know how to swim?'

She was an expert swimmer.

Then what the hell happened?

I don't like to talk about it.

'Okay.'

Yeah.

No.

- No! - Yes!

- Peter. - No!

- No. - Stop that!

- Look at this. - 'Stop it!'

It was a bet my mother made with this man.

She bet that she could swim up to a sandbar and back

without stopping to rest.

E-everyone was at a party at our house.

There'd been a party on Friday night

and one on Saturday night, and this was Sunday

and I guess everyone was a-a little bored.

I was going around in my nightgown

kissing everyone good night.

And they were saying that my mother

was an expert swimmer.

And...

And then this man said that women

had an extra layer of fat around their bodies

so they, they could stay in the water longer

without getting chill.

And my mother got mad

at this "extra layer of fat" talk

because she was very slim.

I have a picture of her

in my memory book.

Sure she was practically skinny.

Well...

Well, my mother said that

uh, she had a lot of endurance

and she certainly didn't have an extra layer of fat.

And then my father said

that my mother had swum out to this sandbar

half a mile off shore and back

without stopping to rest.

And this man said that that was impossible.

And my mother said

that she could do it again any time.

And this man said

"What about right now?"

They all...

Smelled of whiskey when I kissed them.

And this man...

That made the bet with my mother

cupped my behind in both hands

and kissed me goodnight on the mouth.

Um, and then my mother took me upstairs...

And changed into her suit.

And then she came into my room.

Her suit was red.

And she was wearing this...

This short, white terry cloth robe.

She looked very pretty.

And very excited.

She smelled of whiskey, too.

But she didn't drink...

A lot.

"Just enough to feel happy," she had said.

She acted very happy that night.

And, um...

And, uh, she...

Closed my door and turned out the light

and that was the last time I saw her.

Do they know how she drowned?

They say it was a cramp, but there's no way

to tell about these things, you know.

'How much was the bet?'

Uh, I think it was ten dollars.

- It's a rough break. - It's a silly way to die.

It's a s-silly way to die!

'Hey, put on some music.'

'Yeah, what do you wanna hear?'

How about "The Airplane?"

But, Rhoda, you still haven't told us

about yourself, you know.

What about you?

Like what?

'Something terrible.'

I don't know anything terrible.

'Oh, sure you do. Everyone does.'

'Tell her something terrible, Peter.'

Once I made Ritz-cracker sandwiches

out of cream cheese and snot

and gave them to my cousin for lunch.

That's disgusting!

What have you done?

Um, nothing.

Okay.

Um.. Well, what I did once...

That's the only really talented group around.

- I like "The Doors" better. - Hmm.

- "The Doors" are derivative. - Yeah, but dynamic.

- What I did, I... - I also like the...

Yeah! No, they're... no.

But once...

Yes, what the hell did you do, Rhoda?

Uh...

I spit on my mother's grave.

- When? - At the, at the cemetery.

My father took me to see her grave

and-and we were walking away

and I ran back and spit on it.

Why?

Um...

She had no right to die like that...

And leave me alone.

Come on, Rhoda.

I'm gonna wash your hair.

'If only I didn't keep sinking'

'all the time.'

'I've never seen anything like it.'

'Defies the laws of physics.'

'It's absolutely supernatural.'

'Maybe it's impossible.'

No.

You're gonna learn to swim. I promise.

What're you looking at?

Those things on your teeth.

Hideous, aren't they?

Mm-hmm.

My father says they'll be off

by the time I start to notice boys.

He doesn't seem to know I've been noticing them

for quite a while.

Tell me something.

Hmm?

That day on the beach...

When, you know, when we met.

Who'd you notice first? Me or Dan?

You.

Why?

You have an unmapped face.

- An unmapped face? - Mm-hmm.

It doesn't come right out and say

what's gonna become of you.

I mean, you can tell just by looking at him

that, um, he's going to marry a girl

he meets at the debutante ball

and have four children.

An electric lawn mower

and become chairman of the committee

on admissions to the country club.

Oh, yeah!

Your face wouldn't fit the chairman

of the committee for admissions to the country club.

I was wondering what it would be like

to kiss you.

I don't think you'd hurt yourself

if that's what you mean.

I don't know, those braces look awfully dangerous.

Not if you're careful.

If you don't kiss me too hard.

I, uh...

Didn't feel them at all.

- Did you that time? - Mm-mm.

You're gonna be a good swimmer, you'll see.

When you learn how to swim

I'm gonna teach you how to dive.

I couldn't learn to dive.

- Oh, yes, you could! No. - No.

Sure you could.

You have to.

Wait till you see how beautiful it is down there.

'The colors.'

The way the light shines on things.

The plants.

Just the shape of things!

You know, even a... piece of broken glass

can be like an emerald!

And the fish move...

Gentle, you know?

Nice.

Listen to me!

I better quit school and become an aquanaut or something.

Why not?

You do everything I tell you to do.

You learn how to swim and you learn how to dive.

- 'And you know what?' - What?

I'm gonna kiss you at the bottom of the sea.

'There she is. She's coming.'

Listen, if we're gonna try it, we'd better try it pretty soon.

'Try what?'

You know... lay her.

Who?

Sandy! Now, who the hell else?

Oh! I thought you meant Rhoda!

Rhoda?!

Are you kidding?

That Sandy drives me crazy sometimes!

Me, too.

You'd like to as much as me, wouldn't ya?

'You'd like to as much as me, wouldn't ya?'

Sure I would, yeah.

We're gonna need a little protection, aren't we?

Get that over on the mainland.

- In a drugstore. - Okay.

You get it.

Ah, we'll both get it.

- You look older than I do. - You sound more mature.

Suppose we go to all this

great trouble and she says no.

Why would she say no? She loves us!

'She keeps tellin' us, doesn't she?'

Yeah, man, but that, that doesn't mean she loves us.

Do you love her?

Yeah.

I mean, do you love her?

Well, I don't love her.

But I love her!

Let's give it a try.

Oh! Watch that!

Come on, let's go meet the girls.

Hi!

Come on. Let's get in the water!

You wasted the best part of the day already!

Yeah. What were you doing over at Bay Point?

Show them, Rhoda.

Go on.

'Oh, what do you think?'

Terrific.

Just terrific!

Hello?

Fine, thank you. How are you?

Oh, yes!

Saturday night.

Uh, I think that, that would be fine.

Um, I-I live on this island, you see

so, so there's really not much to do here.

So why don't we go to the mainland?

- Who is it? - Excuse me a minute.

It's my date! His name is Anibal Gomez.

He's 5'7" with black hair and brown eyes.

Oh, wow! The computer came through!

You do have a car, don't you?

Sí, tengo un caro.

You see, I'm learning Spanish already!

I look forward to it, too.

Goodbye, Anibal.

Goodbye.

It worked! It worked!

The computer got me a date for Saturday night!

- You're not going, are you? - Oh, I sure am.

'I don't think you should. It isn't right.'

Old Mother Hubbard again.

Well, he's probably some poor, desperate man

who takes it very seriously.

Look, let's not make him into

one of the hundred neediest cases, okay?

Hey, how can you go?

He's expecting someone 22 years old

'with blond hair and blue eyes.'

I can pass for 22 in my mother's wig.

'You're mother's wig is red.'

I'll wear something over my head, I'll wear a scarf.

He'll never know the difference.

Wait a minute.

Why don't we send Rhoda in your place?

- Me? - Oh, hey!

That's a terrific idea!

Absolutely not!

Oh, come on, Rhoda! It's perfect!

I mean, you're the right size, you're the right coloring.

- You're the right everything! - My eyes are grey!

Uh, well, we'll tell him the machine made a mistake.

I don't speak any Spanish, either!

He speaks perfect English.

Oh, come on, Rhoda! Honestly!

He sounded very nice on the phone.

Then why do you wanna make a fool of him?

I-it's not him, you know?

It's the machine I'm after. I-I don't wanna be computerized.

'Then why did you send in the questionnaire?'

To screw up the machine!

But now you're going along with the machine

by keeping the date!

I am screwing up the goddamn machine!

He probably thinks you're-you're

a lonely person like himself who...

I am a lonely person, you jackass!

Where's your sense of adventure?

It's not an adventure, it's a double-cross!

Now, listen.

The machine thinks I'm one person

but I'm really another.

So, I'm sending along a totally different person

to screw up the machine even more!

The Puerto Rican isn't a machine! He's a person!

How do you know he didn't lie to the machine?

I bet he's an old man of 60 with his teeth falling out!

Fantastic! A triple-cross!

I'm not gonna do it. Period!

Now, listen here, Rhoda!

I'm not gonna do it!

Now, listen, Rhoda, I have a sizeable investment

in this questionnaire.

Me, too.

Three dollars and thirty five cents.

Which does not grow on bushes where I come from.

I can't help it if I don't wanna hurt that poor man!

It's only a joke!

Hasn't she got a sense of humor?

I certainly have a sense of humor!

- I write jokes in my column! - I bet they're side-splitting.

I can't go out with a strange man I've never even met!

Look, we said we'd go with you, didn't we?

Yeah, we won't leave you alone with him.

Look, we'll tell Gomez all about it when the evening's over.

Yeah. We'll all have a good laugh together afterwards.

Including Gomez.

Really, he sounded very, very nice

on the phone, Rhoda.

Say you'll go.

Will you...

Will you all stay with me?

You won't leave me alone with him?

No, not a, not for a minute.

Say yes.

Promise me you won't make a fool of him.

Of course not!

Say yes, Rhoda.

Well, alright.

- I'm terrified. - Don't worry about anything.

I'll handle it.

Mr. Gomez?

Yes?

Hi, I'm Sandy.

- Hello. - Hi.

Um, this is my friend, Rhoda.

She's your date for tonight.

'She's the one who filled out the questionnaire.'

You see, she's very shy

and... that's why she used my name.

How do you do? I am Anibal Gomez.

I'm pleased to meet...

You are a pretty girl, Rosa.

- These are friends of yours? - Oh, they're with Sandy!

They're with me. Um, Dan, Peter, meet Annabel.

No, no, my name is Anibal.

- Not Annabel. - Hi, Anibal.

- Hi. - Hello.

A-a-are we to be together?

I thought it might be nice.

Alright.

If you wish.

Let's have a drink together.

I don't drink, Mr. Gomez.

I really don't feel like anything right now.

Maybe a brandy after dinner.

You two boys got some identification?

'Uh, Pete and I had a couple of belts before we left.'

We don't want any more.

But don't let that stop you, Anibal.

- You have one. - Okay.

One scotch on the rocks, please.

Hey, here's a new one by The Band.

Oh, good. Play it. You got a quarter, Annabel?

It is Anibal, not Annabel.

Annabel is a girl's name, no?

'Thank you.'

Salud, Rosa.

- It's Rhoda. - Shall we?

♪ He's headed West to meet the sun comin' down ♪

♪ He ran the road you ran when you run out of town ♪

♪ And like a ship that disappears ♪

♪ And fades out of sight ♪

♪ The memories will keep him warm tonight ♪

♪ Magnetic mama how could it be you? ♪

♪ Who would have guessed it? ♪

♪ We thought that you too were through ♪

♪ Magnetic mama the man heads to town ♪

♪ He's rolling West to meet the sun comin' down ♪

♪ Temptation lust and laziness are coming after me ♪

Why don't we order dinner?

No, we got to get Annabel another drink, right?

No, I'm starved.

Oh! Dancing makes me thirsty.

Uh, miss, can we have another scotch on the rocks, please?

Uh, make it a double!

Save us trouble of ordering another one later.

I think Rosa has an appetite.

Now, come on, Rhoda, he came all the way out here

just to see you, right?

Rosa, if you want to order, we order.

Ah! Here comes your drink, Annabel.

- Salud. - Salud.

Miss? Miss?

When the waitress comes back, will you please tell her

I want to see a menu?

Don't blow it, Rhoda.

You promised.

Come on. Listen, Annabel isn't even hungry yet!

Alright, then, if you don't tell her, I'll tell her!

Come on, Rhoda, there isn't any hurry!

'Rosa wants a menu?'

No, she doesn't. She's on a diet.

W-w-why do you need a diet?

You're, you're very slim and nice.

You're all very nice. You will not join me?

- No, you go ahead. - Miss, another double, please.

- Sandy, please! - What's wrong?

Annabel feels like drinking, or he wouldn't

be drinking, would he?

Muchacha!

You know what that means?

That means...

"pretty girls."

Aw, Rosa is a pretty girl, sí!

No, no, no, in Spanish, we say...

"muy linda."

Muy linda.

Very beautiful.

Muy linda.

Oh, that is so Rosa.

♪ There is a rose ♪

I see you know that song?

Hey, that's, that's very good.

We have to order dinner right now.

No, we don't. Annabel wants another drink!

No, no, no. No more whiskey, or I might get drunk.

You might get drunk!

Annabel, listen.

Tell us about Spanish Harlem.

Were there really roses there?

I heard there were rats there.

What about the rats here?

Oh-ho-ho!

Olé!

Oh, whee, toro!

Hey, let's order!

I think we ought to order.

You want another drink, Annabel?

One more!

Hey, baby!

- Stop them, Annabel! - Who are you?

They're after Rhoda!

'Come on, let's get the hell outta here!'

'Come on, come on.'

Peter, grab her!

Anibal!

Let go of me! Anibal!

- Come on! Let's go! - Christ's sake!

- Come on! - Anibal!

- Please, come on. - Shut up! Shut up!

Help!

You freaking idiot!

- Let's get outta here, huh? - Sí, señor.

Huh? Come on! Get the lead out of your ass, Rhoda!

- 'I'm not leaving!' - Here we go, brown boy.

Ah, damn it, I forgot the umbrella.

Oh, great, we'll roast.

You could've reminded me.

- Where's the umbrella? - He forgot it.

God, we've gotta have it. It's like the Sahara out here.

Come on. Let's go for a swim.

- Hi. - Hi.

It's one hot day, isn't it?

Listen, I'm very sorry about last night.

Really, I'm very sorry.

Why did you get him drunk?

'I don't know.'

I asked you to stop.

- I begged you to stop... - Look, I can't explain it!

Huh! I really can't explain it.

Please.

Do you know I love you?

S-s.. I guess, I know it.

But I don't understand you!

When you're with me, you can be so gentle

but... when you're with them

you're completely different!

Listen, you know that was a pretty serious situation

last night, those guys weren't fooling around

they wanted to bash our skulls in, alright!

Why did you send Anibal to stop them?

- I didn't send anybody! - Sandy did!

She sent that skinny...

He wasn't skinny, for God's sake!

He was skinny, and he was drunk!

Christ, I don't find this conversation

very pleasant!

All I want to know...

Is why you were such a coward last night.

You know...

We didn't mean any harm.

We just wanted to have a little fun, for chrissakes!

A little fun?

What about Anibal's feelings? What about mine?

'You three treat people as if they were made of plastic!'

- Rhoda. - What?

'Remember that day on the little island'

'after the swimming lesson?'

'When we were talking about things?'

Well, I felt happier that day

than I almost ever felt in my whole life.

- 'Did you?' - Yeah.

And I find you very attractive

and very sexy and all that, too

'if you don't mind my saying so.'

I don't mind.

But honest to God, Rhoda

when you start to analyze everything...

You just give me a terrible pain in the ass.

I see.

Let's talk about somethin' else.

I shouldn't have come here today, I...

Then why the hell did ya?

- I don't know. - You don't know!

You wanna go in the water?

Come on, let's go in the water.

No!

Yeeeeeee-ha-ha-ha!

Hey, Peter! Sandy's got her pants off!

Hang on!

Peter, come on, I've got a surprise for you!

Wait till you see!

Hey look, I'm the best!

Hey, what's the difference between America and France?

I don't know.

What is the difference

between America and France?

In America, your goose is cooked

and in France, your cook is goosed!

Peter!

Oh, God, it's hot.

Change your mind, Rhoda?

No, thank you.

Oh, come on, Rhoda!

Take one and stop sulking.

I told you I don't like the taste of it.

Look, let's...

Let's get off the beach.

You know, g-go have our picnic someplace else.

Where?

What about the forest?

I mean, at least that would be out of the sun.

What do you say?

Yeah, be a lot cooler there.

Damn! One of these damn sand flies.

Okay, Peter?

- Rhoda? - No, I don't want to go.

- Oh, come on, Rhoda. - I don't mind it here.

'Why are you so damn stubborn? Now, will you come on?'

- No. - It's too hot to argue.

Coming, Peter?

Nah.

You're making a big mistake.

Damn hot!

You can go if you want to.

You'll be alright?

Of course!

See you later, then. Hey, wait up!

Well, God bless Rhoda.

What?

For once, she did the right thing.

What do you mean?

- Guess what I got! - What?

Guess!

In here!

Oh!

What's the matter?

Nothing.

You don't look exactly thrilled

with my brilliance and foresight.

Oh, yeah, I'm thrilled. It's just...

It's just that it's so damn hot.

Come on.

Peter!

Peter!

Peter, wait for me.

Oh, shit!

Well, well, it's Rhoda.

You forgot the sandwiches.

We didn't forget them. We didn't want them.

Of course, you want them. It's all we have to eat.

I've changed my mind. May I still come along?

Sure, come on.

'Take it.'

'Take it, Rhoda.'

Now, drink it, Rhoda.

That's good, isn't it?

It's bitter.

Got to take the bitter with the sweet.

Oh, God.

It's as hot here as it... it was at the beach.

It's worse.

All that blocks the breeze.

There is no breeze, you jackass.

Does anybody want a sandwich?

I'm hungry.

I'm starved.

Famished.

'Sure work up these terrible hunger pangs.'

I'll have a sandwich. What kind is there?

Roast beef or ham.

Roast beef.

Anybody else?

Those aren't very balsy looking sandwiches, Rhoda.

Don't mock 'em. She made them, herself.

'She's gonna make someone a nice little wife, someday.'

Do you know how to darn socks, Rhoda?

Guess she's not gonna make someone a nice little wife.

They aren't too bad.

- 'Say, excuse me to Rhoda.' - 'Why?'

She thinks you made a vulgar noise.

You think I made a vulgar noise, Rhoda?

She thinks it's uncivilized.

Do you know they have a very high level

of civilization in Cleveland, Ohio?

Did you know that?

They're so civilized that they swallow

their burps along with their beer.

'You're not drinking, Rhoda.'

I told you, I don't like the taste of it.

It's alright.

We'll share it.

Share and share alike, right?

Yeah.

Right, Peter?

'Right, Peter?'

Yes.

Give me that.

Major truth.

It is very hot in this goddamn forest.

Remember that day, Peter?

Remember the truth serum?

Mm-hmm.

Do you remember it?

Hey!

- Come on! - H-hey! You're wasting it!

Ooh!

Ooh, that's better!

Share and share alike.

Thank you, kind sir.

What's wrong, Rhoda?

Nothing.

You look like you're gonna choke.

She gonna swallow her braces.

Where you going?

Home.

Don't go.

Uh, I want you to stay.

- Peter wants you to stay. - No.

Put your top on, Sandy.

'Why?'

They can see.

So what?

Why don't you take yours off, Rhoda?

That's a super idea.

Peter!

Do it, Rhoda.

Peter!

Do it, Rhoda.

Peter, please.

Do it!

Let me see what you've got to show!

Let me go! Stop!

Stop them, Peter! Stop them! Stop them!

Stop it! Stop them! Stop!

- Let me go! - 'Peter, stop her!'

- Peter, stop them. - Aah!

Stop them! Stop them!

Stop it! Stop it!

Aah! Aah!

'Let me go!'

Stop it! Stop it! Stop!

- Stop it! - 'Ow!'