Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

Don't look away. Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Don't put that on telly!

Ooh!

I might just do this all day.

Argh!

This is weird.

It's so tight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello!

Hello! Welcome to Taskmaster,

a show that seeks to take a reputation

and reimagine it.

Cows are cows, aren't they?

But imagine a cow being forced to tap dance.

What is it then? It's not a cow, that's for sure.

So, let us open the shed and chase them into the field.

The farmer has plans for Daisy and her friends,

and you'll never drink a glass of milk in the same way again.

My God, it's hard to keep writing these intros!

LAUGHTER Regardless...

...please welcome back Amy Gledhill...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

...Armando Iannucci...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oooh!

...Joanna Page... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

...Joel Dommett and Kumail Nanjiani.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And next to me, a man who says

we should go back to a more simple time

when children had manners,

there was a bobby on every street and women were, let's just say,

a little more hirsute downstairs.

His words. I don't know what he meant, either.

It's little Alex Horne.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Just personal taste.

That's it.

Sorry. I don't want to make eye contact

with anyone in the audience now. OK, good.

Hello, Greg. What's the warm-up chat?

Well, I want to say hello to you, Greg.

And I want to say hello to all my people watching at home.

I see you and you see me, and you like puzzles.

So if you're one of my people,

I'm going to show you a puzzle.

Press pause and then press unpause when you've solved it.

Here we go. Good luck. Not that one.

There we go. That's my bit done, Greg.

Oh, God. Yeah.

Let's crack on with the prize task.

Get this. They've all brought in the best bumpy thing.

Ooh!

Oh.

This, this is a bumpy...

This is a bum-py thi...

Doesn't matter. Um...

But what bumpy thing have they brought in?

He's got a pea under his bum. A bum-PEA.

Well, I'm sure Greg will score this really quickly

and fairly with five points for the best bumpy thing.

So, go on, then, Greg. Go for it, mate.

Amy, hello. Hello, hello. You all right?

Have you got some bumpy stuff? Yeah.

Can I just ask what hirsute means? Hairy.

Hairy! Mm-hm. Hairy, yeah. OK, that's all right.

Yeah. What did you think it might have meant?

More...

I'm trying to think of a better word for open.

LAUGHTER

You...

But hairy's fine. That's good.

You thought that Alex wanted ladies to be a little more dilated?

LAUGHTER

Yeah.

Ah! Right, Amy, tell me about your bumpy thing.

I have brought...

THEY LAUGH

It just didn't jump well from the last chat.

I have brought in a plane ticket from London to Venice.

Yes, she has. Yeah. Notoriously turbulent flight route.

Here's the ticket.

And if you fly specifically in March,

that's when it's most turbulent, but never too turbulent,

where it's frightening.

It's just a little...

Unfortunately, it's one-way

so you will stay in Venice because I'm not buying you

a return, as well.

I'm genuinely a bit floored.

I didn't expect you to bring a good thing in.

Well done.

Armando,

you can take us down, surely. I'll give it a go.

But I think you'll be surprised. All right.

I thought, "Let's go for something that's already very good,

"but maybe not accessible to everyone

"and make it even better by making it bumpy."

It's a Braille menu to an Indian restaurant.

Wow. Here we go. A Braille curry menu. There it is.

There we go.

And of course, the great thing is

if I score that badly,

I will alienate the visually-impaired community.

Exactly.

So, it's... It may not be funny, but it's very clever.

Hello, Joanna. Hello.

I've brought in...

HE LAUGHS

...Mr Bump.

Here is Joanna's Mr Bump.

Now, I made Mr Bump when I was about 16

in school for an art project. 16!?

Yeah. Wow.

He's on a glass bottle,

which I've painted, and he's made with a papier mache,

very bumpy head.

And my parents have kept him in the shed

at the bottom of their garden ever since I made him.

And it was only recently that I realised how awful that is,

because they're always like,

"Oh, yeah, we got him on the shelf in the shed."

And, "Oh, look, he's still there."

And he's never, ever been in the house.

If you presented that to your parents

when you were 16, I think you should count yourself lucky

that you weren't sent to a boarding school.

Hi, Joel. Hello.

I've brought in a picture of my acne-ridden teenage face.

Ooh, no! Ah! Oh!

And if you zoom in to the forehead...

Is that Braille?

That looks like Braille.

I've made the acne Braille, and it says,

"Don't worry, things get easier."

Aw! Aw!

So try scoring that badly.

Very good.

Kumail.

Hi. Hi, there.

What bumpy thing have you brought us?

So, what's a really great bumpy thing to ride?

A r... Ree... ...oller coaster. Roller-coaster.

So, this, I brought in the original plans

for the Cyclone.

It was made in 1927.

So, you see, that's plans for that. And then, there's some...

It says, "Look at the bottom left corner."

Do you want us to look at the bottom left?

And then, go to the bottom left corner.

"You seem lovely. Look at number 12." Number 12?

Go to number 12. Number 12, there, yeah. "You have herpes..."

LAUGHTER

"..see top right." Right. OK, there we go.

"Just kidding, you don't have herpes..." Phew. Right. OK.

"Look under the coaster." Under the coaster. Let's go there.

Yep. There we go.

"It's actually not a big deal to have herpes.

"You shouldn't stigmatise. Turn this over."

And over.

"That was a bumpy ride!"

It was a bumpy ride!

Oh! APPLAUSE

Must be a relief for you, as well.

Yeah.

So, it's a roller-coaster and an emotional roller-coaster.

I got it, yeah. Thank you.

A lot of these are very sensible. Yeah.

Joanna's little project? Oh, thank God.

Right, Joanna, one point.

What's next? I don't know why, the flight to Venice.

No! Yeah. You shouldn't be so tight.

If you'd done a return flight, I'd have been...

It was really expensive!

You've got to speculate to accumulate. Two points.

Two points. Well done, Amy. Shit!

I'm going to go to Armando.

OK. I think he'd forgotten the prize,

and he'd had a curry the night before,

and he brought that in. Three points.

OK, three to Armando.

I actually found your Braille thing absolutely adorable.

I like the idea of you reassuring your teenage self.

It's very sweet. But that...

Oh, I loved all that. Thank you!

Five points to Kumail Nanjiani's emotional roller-coaster.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What's first?

Good news, everyone,

because this task is a bit of a turn on.

Oh! Ooh!

Hello, Alex. Joel Patrick Dommett.

Oh, I love the full name.

How do you feel about the table?

The table itself? Hmm.

It's all right.

Solid. Four grand.

Then I'd maybe...

...expect a bit more.

But I don't know what the task is.

Maybe the table is going to come to life and dance,

and I have to do the same dance moves as the table.

LED party lights?

We know how to party in the UK.

Yeah, with lights? Two of them. Big ones.

Those aren't that big. You should see American lights.

Should I open this bad boy? Yes, please, JPD.

Let's have a look.

"Turn on the telly."

"You may not touch the telly.

"Fewest button presses wins."

"Your time starts now."

That's the telly? That's the telly.

Just one telly? Mm-hm.

So, I just turn on the telly, right?

Yes, please, yeah, if you wouldn't mind.

But what's your game here?

What are you up to, Horne?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hmm.

I really enjoyed suspicious Amy.

Shall we see some stuff?

OK, well, Amy and Joanna are first up to take control.

"Fewest button presses?"

OK, well, I want to go straight in for these,

but it's obviously going to be wrong.

"Turn on the telly."

We're going blue, are we? We're blue.

Oh, my gosh!

SHE LAUGHS

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

OK. Did you just turn it off, as well? Thank you.

That's two button presses. OK. Right.

OK. I'm going to go in and try all of them

because it's going to turn something on.

That's not turning anything on.

Oh, and I keep pressing it, don't I?

No, not that one.

Oh!

It's not red. Oh! Oh, that's nice, though.

Right. I'm going to press them all. Right.

Is that an egg? Do I turn it off?

SHE LAUGHS

I've got two batteries and lint.

WHIRRING

That's the printer. Oh, wow!

"You must now also find and eat

"a doughnut before you finish the task."

Is this a doughnut? It was. It was!

"You must now also find and eat a doughnut

"before you finish the task."

Well, it was probably this, wasn't it?

It was that, yeah.

I'm going pink. Pink.

It just did something. Oh!

Oh, my God. Batteries and a duck.

I think you've pressed all the buttons now.

Do you remember what they all did?

Oh, no.

I'm going to do this one again.

It's not doing anything. Oh, for God...

It's absolutely ridiculous.

Gold.

Look! Just look! I don't need to...

Oh! Ahh!

I could have just checked this from the beginning.

Have I done it?

I... SHE GASPS

Oh!

Oh, my God! Did it turn it on? Your telly's on.

Well done.

You say well done...

Yeah, I shouldn't have said well done. Right.

I mean, the technique was actually the same -

no lateral thinking, just keep pressing buttons.

You both noticed the golden one didn't do anything,

but you didn't think that might be a clue?

No. No. No, I thought it was broken.

I thought it was just bad tasking.

THEY LAUGH

"Argh, there's bad tasking in the air today."

LAUGHTER

Joanna pressed 13 buttons in total.

Amy, 21 buttons.

It was not good.

Ah! Right.

You both had a nice doughnut, didn't you?

Yes, that was good. Doughnut was nice.

Yeah, I liked that. I would have it whizzed-up again.

Yeah. Yeah, genuinely, it's really nice.

Do you guys call blending whizzed up?

Yeah, always. That's what you really call it?

Yeah, yeah. They're called whizz-up machines over here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. LAUGHTER

Elevators are lifts, blenders are whizz-up machines.

Ah, it's confusing over here.

I'll buy you a coffee afterwards at the bubble-bubble shop.

LAUGHTER

We must pause for a break,

and we're going to stretch our legs a little bit.

I'm going to give Alex a little walk.

I like a little walk.

Come on, you! Oh, yes.

Come on!

Welcome back.

Well, well, well, you really did need to go.

Yes.

LAUGHTER

I had...

I had a lot of whizzed-up doughnuts.

He did!

And that's the funniest thing this show's ever done.

It's just the right weight, isn't it?

I think it's so hefty. Just the right weight.

It's so... HE LAUGHS

I like that you picked it up, as well.

Why did you pick it up?

Because I'm your owner.

Oh, thank you.

Hello.

It's part two, and our five adult comedians

are struggling to switch on the telly. Yes.

"Oh, which button is it?

"Which controller? Where's it gone?

"Where are the batteries? What's happening?

"Help me, Alex!" They're pathetic. And now...

LAUGHTER

It's time for Joel-mando Domett-ucci

MACHINE BEEPS

BEEPS

Are you thinking the printer might operate the telly?

Yeah, it made some noises.

Yeah. You did just press two buttons...

Yeah. ..so that counts as your first two button presses.

Oh!

Damn it!

Ah!

Right. Well, that didn't work.

No, you've turned on the bubble and smoke machine.

Oh, I forget what the other one was I did.

Oh, you've done... The bubble machine again, is it? OK.

Oh, right. Literally just done it. That's the... Yeah.

Yeah. Gold.

Right. What happened with the gold one?

I don't know. What happened with the gold one?

What happened with the gold one? I'm not touching it again.

It's down there.

Hello, Joel. You're very much in my area now.

Have you pressed a button?

No, it goes behind the bookcase. It goes behind there.

Right.

Ah!

"You must now also find and eat a doughnut."

Right. If I turn that on...

You think turning the blender on might turn the telly on?

Well, not beyond... No. ...the bounds of possibility.

ORGAN NOTES PLAY

It's a mouse.

What is that?

Is that yours?

I was looking for that.

Just be slightly careful with the wires.

Yeah, you be slightly careful with your attitude. Right.

Well, they're on now.

BLENDER WHIZZES

I knew the printer was something to do with this!

"You must now also find and eat a doughnut."

Ah! So, pink, is it? OK.

ORGAN NOTES PLAY

Ahh! Obviously, this will go nowhere.

I found a duck, uh, more fluff, two batteries. Ah.

Found the doughnut, like, really quick.

HE GRUNTS

I have glued them shut.

Yes, you have, haven't you?

HE CLEARS THROAT Ah-ha-ha!

Here we go. Right.

Fucking hell!

Ahh!

Lovely.

Here we go, it's a smoke machine.

HORN BLARES

Ooh!

I put in an extra layer. I put in an extra door.

12 seconds.

Come out!

Come on!

Please! BELL DINGS

That was so close!

Let's go pink.

Two batteries.

I reckon that's this one.

Yeah! There you go. You figured it out.

APPLAUSE Well done.

I'm just enchanted, watching Joel do anything, really,

because he throws himself into it with such glee.

And then every now and again,

I just go, "Oh, my God, he's 40!"

LAUGHTER

Yeah. Mad, isn't it?

I pay a mortgage.

I loved that a hidden compartment pops open,

and Armando goes,

"Well, I don't imagine this will lead us anywhere."

Conserving energy. Lovely.

The difference between us is so fantastic.

I'm like, "Secret compartment?"

I'm like, "Argh!, a secret compartment!"

"I've just won!" "Where does it go?" There's bound to be others!"

Love it.

Yes. Well, look. Armando was the slowest.

But it wasn't about speed.

This is very much a tortoise and hare situation.

He only pressed nine buttons... Mmm. Ooh!

...which is one fewer than you, Joel. Ten presses.

That's still good. It's not bad for an excitable child.

Yes. Finally, in 2018, he was one of Time Magazine's

100 Most Influential People in the World.

And now, finally, he just might prove why.

It's Kumail.

These are glued shut.

I haven't pressed a button yet. No.

This one's empty, though.

You're pressing the green one.

That's pretty cool.

Press it again, if you really enjoyed it.

I did really enjoy it,

but I'm not going to press it again until I've turned the TV on.

Yeah.

Is it a mistake that this one doesn't have batteries?

We don't make mis... We don't make mistakes.

That was a mistake.

You saying we don't make mistakes, you made a mistake.

We rarely make mistakes.

"We don't make mirstakes!"

Don't look away.

Ow.

There's batteries in there.

Oooh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That was impressive.

Thank you!

That's how it's done.

I remember that being, like, my best task by far.

I just love that you just used sheer fucking force.

Like, yeargh! You are a real life superhero.

It's so good to be close to you. Yeah!

So great. So, yeah...

So. It was very impressive.

Um, however...

Whoa, no!

Uh-oh!

I do need to show you something else.

The rules did say...

Argh! Yes, yes, yes, yes!

LAUGHTER

...you may not touch the TV. No ifs, no buts.

Right? Uh-oh.

There's so many wires, guys.

OK. Oh!

Oh-oh-oh!

Butt touch.

It was you, Joel.

You were so excited about that video, too.

Oh! I thought it was going to tear you apart,

but it turned out it just tore apart

a person who didn't need tearing apart.

Is that touching? What do you mean? Is it touching?

Touching? Am I not touching someone if I touch them with my bum?

Is that what you're asking?

Well... Because if that's the case, it's party time.

No, no, no, no, no!

Are we disqualifying Joel?

I still found him quite enchanting,

so I will allow him, regardless of how many

times he pressed it, to have one point.

So he goes to the bottom.

Amy and Joanna go up one point. Correct.

Goes to the bottom. That's ironic.

In which case, Amy, you get two points - 23 presses.

Joanna - three points. Armando - four points.

But the winner and five points to Kumail Nanjiani.

Right. May we see the scores? Yes.

Before that I'm going to tell you the series scores

because they're getting tight.

Armando, you're at the bottom with 91,

but Joel's just above you on 93.

Then, very excitingly, Amy and Kumail are both on 105.

Kumail's finally in the top two

and Joanna still on top with 106 points.

Lovely.

And in this episode, Kumail's got a very strong ten points maximum

in first place.

Wow!

Yep.

That is one sweet solo effort,

so I feel like we should see a team task, please.

Sure thing, Greg.

Here's a task right here for you. I do hope you like it.

Atchoo! Bless me.

OK, let's go.

Hello. Oh, hiya.

Joanna and Armando. Yes.

Hello. Hello. Who wants to read it? You read this one.

You read this one.

He's so good at reading lines.

I know! It's so exciting.

Go! Go!

"Have serious fun in the lab without smiling."

Oh!

"One of you must enter on the first whistle,

"the other on the second."

"You must each secretly

"bring something fun with you.

"And you must all leave as soon as the time is up."

"You have two minutes in the lab,

"and the first person must enter the lab in five minutes from now."

So we can't smile at all. And we've got to have fun.

You guys, when I read, "You can't smile,"

both of you had the biggest grins on your face.

Let's split up now.

So I will commit to getting something fun from not this room.

Let's go! Bring this with us.

Find a fun thing.

I'm not going to ever smile again.

I'm going to be shit at this.

Hi-lo!

It's amusing Armando.

And this is the really good fun show.

Fine. Oh.

Shall we meet jolly Joanna?

Here's jolly Joanna. Hey! We're having fun, aren't we?

Yeah. Having lots of fun.

I find playing and eating sweets really, really good. fun

That's good fun.

Oh, no. HORN HONKS

Can you do that?

Do you know how to...? Hey, guys.

Oh, they're in, they're in. Yep. They're in.

Oh, that was fun. That was fun.

So much fun. That's fun, isn't it?

Oh!

Whoa! That's fun.

Can I have a go on your horn, if you want to go on my Sellotape?

Yeah, sure.

WHISTLE OK, we gotta go.

Thanks, Alex.

Hiya! Oh! Hello.

JOANNA LAUGHS

Oh, God! Please let us not have to sing.

Shall I go in? Yeah. Go in.

Completely revoice this footage to create a dramatic short film.

A dramatic short film. This is what...

This is the hula hoop thing in the face.

Oh, well, this could be a dramatic film very easily.

You must not revoice yourself.

Most dramatic and convincing short film wins.

You have 15 minutes. Your time starts now.

When there's three people... Yeah. Can everyone play someone else?

Yes, mathematically. Does that work? Yes. Yes.

I just, in my head, I was like,

"Well, two people are going to play each other.

"Then there's one person has to be themselves."

How would you suggest that I do your voice?

I mean, just try and do like, a Pakistani guy.

What could go wrong? So what would...

How would that go? Well, now you've given me...

You've given me the go-ahead. Yes, I've given you the go ahead.

We might not show him giving you the go-ahead.

In fact, I insist that you don't.

Yeah. A bit like alien.

We've got to make it dramatic. It could be.

We have to make it dramatic. A monster.

What kind of voice do I do for you? I'm Hull.

Hull? Do you want to try it?

Oolar oop!

OK.

Yeah, a lot, a lot happened.

Wow. Wow. Exciting on lots of levels.

I mean, I wonder who will face the biggest backlash?

Could it be Kumail from the people of Hull,

or might Joel get more problems with all of Pakistan?

A famously laid-back people.

I can't tell whether I'm going to be sort of cancelled

for misplaced accents or how stupid I am with numbers.

Ah yeah, that was incredible, yeah.

Well, Amy must be thrilled because she's taken

a lot of heat off the fact that she can only do one hula hoop.

Shall we see some short films/hate crimes?

Yeah, why not? And I think let's start

off with a team of three. Let's see how they got on.

Erm, I'm looking for my husband. Uh...

Is that from my husband?

Oh, OK. My husband's going to die.

Hey, wife.

This guy is really scaring me.

Room for a little one!

Goddamn this guy.

Watch me save your life.

Oh!

Whoa.

I'll show you what to do.

Round, round!

Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh!

That's like some of the noises we make on our birthdays.

Hey, look at this. Look at this shiny thing.

Shiny things distracting... distracting me.

Shoot him with the gun.

Maybe I'll get you with this gun that I've got.

No, it's a fucking horn.

Didn't bring your gun?

You didn't bring your gun? Oh, I'll go get my gun.

You two are going to die. I'm going to be back.

You two gonna die.

WHISTLE - That's your time up. - Lovely.

Better than many movies I've seen. And been in.

I don't know what the fuck was going on.

It's the joy of art, isn't it?

It's open to interpretation.

It's subjective. Yeah.

Unfortunately for you, I thought it was shit.

OK, that's it. We're at the halfway point.

Will you go all the way with me? Will you?

Of course you will. How can you resist?

And I've not forgotten you. You'll keep.

Oh, yes. He's saving you till last! Shut up!

APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome back to the third part of the show.

And there is a seriously fun task involving lip-syncing.

Yes, the current task involves them

revoicing their own footage from earlier,

but they're not allowed to revoice themselves.

Most dramatic and convincing short film wins.

Now for the team of two's turn - it's Joanna and Armando.

Hello.

I have been called here today because I hear

that there might be some alien force in this building.

What is this here? There's a banana.

BABBLING What are you saying?

BABBLING

You're telling me about the alien? An alien?

I've been impregnated by a banana alien.

It might burst out any minute. Oh, my God!

Oh, my.

Oh, no! I can't believe this. I know.

What have you got inside you?

There look like millions of them.

I've got the syringe. I have heard from other people

it is the only way to deal with aliens.

I want to help you.

But the alien in my head is telling me to

put it in my mouth.

Oh, my God.

Oh, that went in. That's horrible.

The alien is making me inject your head now.

Whatever you do,

don't let any aliens come out of your mouth.

Oh! Oh! This is the most dramatic thing ever filmed.

What's this?

I want to eat these.

The alien is making me pick up an envelope.

It says, "Whatever you do,

"don't muck about with the stuff in that suitcase

"otherwise the world will blow up."

But I can't help myself.

It's all pretty colours.

Oh, no, you've gone and done it!

I can't help it. They're making me do it.

Everybody get out!

Humanity has been taken over by aliens.

We've got to go! Yeah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right. Well, I'm going to say this off the bat.

I do not like Joanna's voice coming out of Armando's face.

But it was a strong narrative.

And it was dramatic.

It's got to make you three feel bad about your load of shit.

I thought you had clearly defined characters.

A twist at the end, a comment on

the fragility of the human condition.

Yeah. And what about theirs?

What are you giving to people, Greg?

Well, I'm going to give

the team of two five points for a beautiful film.

And what shall I give the other three?

Two feel good? Two for the team of three

and five to the team of two.

Can we squeeze out another task?

Ah, of course we can, Greg.

And bless your little cotton socks.

Ooh!

Oh, my gosh!

Amy!

It's a...

...crescent of socks.

I guess so. Yeah.

This is fantastic.

How do you arrange yours?

Nothing as extravagant and as beautiful as this.

This is how Greg does it.

OK.

Make the most socks stand up.

You have 15 minutes.

Your time starts now.

What we...? What? And we're off. Stand up?

What, what, what does that entail?

Well, they're lying down at the moment.

Individually or...?

Well, plenty of time, however you want to interpret it, really.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What I really want to do is just spend

all my time making the pairs right.

Yeah.

Now, with the greatest of respect,

I thought that Joel might struggle with this concept,

but I didn't think it would baffle you.

Yeah. And I said to Alex during it,

"You sort of sound like a remix in it."

She did, yeah. Have you got it? I've got the remix.

What we... What, what, what does that entail?

Gledhill remix. Yeah.

I'm into that. Armando was a bit of

a remix as well, wasn't he? Slightly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We should collaborate. Yeah, yeah. Yeah!

What, what, what-what, what? Yeah, yeah. What, what?

We're on at the O2 next summer.

Right, I want to see some people make socks stand up.

I know you do. I know you do.

And it's good news for fans of Amy and Joel,

because now we're going to see Amy and Joel.

What classifies as standing up?

Is that?

Yeah, maybe. Maybe?

Is that standing up?

Sort of floating.

I don't know what it's doing. It might be standing up.

Looks like there's someone on the other side of the hedge.

OK, well, OK.

We're absolutely off to a cracking start.

This is my task. Yeah, they're standing up, I think.

Yeah? You think?

Oh, I need you to be more confident than that.

Urgh!

That is...

That went straight on.

That is fine.

Oh, I just found a good one!

APPLAUSE

What if I got all of these

and told a joke?

So they're doing stand up.

Do you want a microphone?

Is this good?

It's pretty weird. Yeah. OK.

What did the...

...shoe say to the loud sock?

I don't know.

Put a sock in it!

Oh, dear.

I've just made that up. That's good!

I've got to finish this fence.

One-and-a-half minutes. I gotta finish this fence.

They're just standing up, are they? Yes.

WHISTLE

What an ending.

I believe in rights for everyone.

Standing up for people?

WHISTLE Everyone?

Oh!

Oh, not... No! Good... Argh! It's too late now.

Don't put that on telly.

There's a lot left.

Thanks, Joel. See you later.

Yeah. There were a lot left.

Really good though.

I really loved the ambition of sock stand-up.

You want to ride with that? Because I'm going to allow it.

I'll tell you that now. You're allowing that?

Yeah. Yes! It was really great.

This is the happiest I've seen you for the whole show.

Man, it was so fun. But just putting things on things.

Yeah.

Was there one sock in particular that pleased you the most?

Because there was one that you popped on

that pleased me the most. I can't stop thinking about that.

The top of the cactus. Cactus! Oh, my God!

Oh, it slipped on a treat, didn't it?

My favourite one was the one that was just poking out of the hedge.

Oh, yeah. Where It looked like a very short

but very well-endowed man was just stood. Yeah!

It was just coming out. Just a lovely angle.

It was just sort of soft lob. Yeah.

Hedge Man wasn't fully ready for action.

If a soft lob counts as standing up

then there's hope for many of us.

Right, well, I guess I should find out.

Are we counting the soft lob?

Well, soft lob is definitely standing.

LAUGHTER

There were 472 socks there in total.

Amy got 280 of those socks up.

Whoa!

With Joel 91 including the lob.

Wow! 91. 91.

Amy well in front at this stage. Shall we move on?

Yeah. Why not?

And now for a man who is the same age as Brad Pitt.

It's Armando Iannucci.

Got to start with this. OK.

How much time is left? Plenty of time.

12 minutes and 45 seconds. Christ.

I'm sort of thinking,

given the numbers involved here, we need to go at scale.

This will do it. Hang on.

There we go.

Here we go.

Well, lovely to meet you.

Um, what do you think of my, um, standing-up socks?

What do you think of those? Pardon?

Not... They wouldn't work for you?

Your feet are webbed, aren't they? Yeah.

OK. I mean, to be honest, I've run out of small talk.

There's only so many things you can say to a duck on a chair.

That's your time up, Armando. Thank you very much.

Oh, right. Some tea, I think.

LAUGHTER

Very good!

I was already thrilled before the walk.

That's the sort of lateral thinking and creativity

that you can come up with if you're not troubled by full lobs.

Soon someone will win a one-way flight to Venice

and will be able to say,

"I was deported by Amy Gledhill."

We'll see you in a minute.

APPLAUSE

Yes, yes! It's the final part of

the show and there's a task that is in need of completing.

Thumbs up emoji.

Yes, they just had to make the most socks stand up.

They've all had a go at it.

Well, Joanna and Kumail haven't, but they will right now.

I'm putting them on myself. That's a good idea.

OK, I'm going to do as many as I can.

Yes. That is three.

Would you say this sock is standing up?

I mean, I don't know.

KUMAIL CHUCKLES

KUMAIL LAUGHS DEVIOUSLY

Woo!

This is what a rake is made for!

This is perfect.

This is horrible.

I don't like this. Right.

Ugh, God.

I'm going to have to start putting some on the other foot.

OK, then. It's starting to hurt a bit. Is it?

KUMAIL CHORTLES Ah!

HE GRUNTS I'm feeling kind of maniacal,

I don't know why.

Right, I can get a load on here,

cos his legs are only thin.

That's a good thought.

Right. OK.

Will you bring me the donkey, please? I'd love to, yeah.

Cos I don't think I can walk.

Thank you.

Let's see what this is like.

I'm just going to give the donkey a go.

Oh, look at that.

Right. Two minutes, ten seconds.

Oh! HE GROANS

I think I might start on my arms. Yeah.

Kumail, there's one minute left.

WHISTLE Wow, that is a triumphant pose, Jo.

KUMAIL LAUGHS Standing up?

Yeah, isn't it? Yeah.

Everything's standing up. APPLAUSE

Really good. APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE Good.

How many socks did she make stand up?

Well, remember, with the soft lob, Joel got 91.

Joanna managed to get 95.

Oh! ALL: Oooh! Not bad.

Now... Now. Kumail.

HE LAUGHS

Well, all I wrote down was,

"Why is Kumail laughing like a cartoon baddie while tidying up?"

LAUGHTER I think, to be honest,

the laughter came when you struck upon the idea

of stuffing a boiler suit full of socks.

It's like a man that's standing up. Yeah,

I like... I like the final image of the man standing up.

Obviously, we'll only be allowing the socks that...

Wait, what? But... but wait, what do you mean...

What... what do you mean?

Boo-ba-boo-ba-boh!

What-what-what-wha? Boo-bah-boh!

LAUGHTER

What-what-wha? Boo-bah-boh! What-what-wha?

LAUGHTER

Um, just checking, are we counting all the ones in the boiler suits?

Yeah, I think... All the ones in the...

I think I am going to allow those. HE CACKLES

In which case I can tell you some points.

Joel, one point, only 91 socks.

Two points to Joanna with 95.

Amy got 280 socks, three points.

Kumail, there were 375 socks standing up

in that boiler suit and the boots, but the winner,

with 472 socks, five points,

it's Armando Iannucci!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Very good. Should we have a quick look at the scores?

Yes, it means those sock guys are in first and second place.

Kumail's on 16 points,

but Armando is leading the episode with 17 points.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow! All right, everyone,

please make your way to the stage for the final task on the show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hi there, you hunk!

Oh! Me? LAUGHTER

Who will be reading the task? Joanna Page. Joanna Page.

"Snort, raspberry or whistle

"in the order the Taskmaster desires.

"The task master will give you a number sequence,

"and you must reply immediately with the corresponding noises.

"One equals snort,

"two equals raspberry,

"three equals whistle.

"If you make a mistake, you are out.

"Most successful snort, raspberry,

"and whistle responder wins."

I genuinely cannot whistle.

"Hoot!" will be acceptable.

OK. Are we ready? We're starting off in round one

with a two-digit sequence.

Amy.

Three, one.

AMY WHISTLES, SNORTS Good.

Armando. Two, three.

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY, ATTEMPTS TO WHISTLE

Hoot...

Looks like you're off the hook.

LAUGHTER

Joanna. Three, three.

SHE WHISTLES WEAKLY TWICE

LAUGHTER

Aw, little baby bird!

Three, two.

HE WHISTLES LOUDLY

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY

Lovely.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Lovely.

Kumail, one, three.

KUMAIL SNORTS Hoo!

OK. So they've all survived.

I think we need to go up to three digits, even.

I agree. OK.

Amy. Two, one, three.

SHE BLOWS RASPBERRY, SNORTS, WHISTLES

Good. Three, two, one.

HE TRIES TO WHISTLE, BLOWS RASPBERRY, SNORTS

LAUGHTER Two, two, one.

SHE BLOWS RASPBERRY TWICE, SNORTS

One, one, three.

HE SNORTS TWICE, WHISTLES

Two, one, three.

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY, SNORTS Hoo!

ALL LAUGH

Three, three, two.

SHE WHISTLES WEAKLY TWICE, BLOWS RASPBERRY

Two, one, three.

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY, SNORTS, WHISTLES

Oh, my God, they're so good! Should we go up to four?

Should we go up to four? We're going to four.

I'm starting with Joanna. Here we go.

Two, two, three, one.

SHE BLOWS TWO RASPBERRIES

SHE WHISTLES, SNORTS

One, one, two, three.

HE SNORTS TWICE, BLOWS RASPBERRY

HE WHISTLES LOUDLY

One, three, two, one.

HE SNORTS, BLOWS AIR

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY, SNORTS

LAUGHTER One, one. Two, three.

SHE SNORTS TWICE, BLOWS RASPBERRY Oh!

It was too long! Too slow.

Amy Gledhill, go to the disqualification bench.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Right.

So we're on Armando.

Three, three, two, one.

HE WHISTLES TWICE, BLOWS RASPBERRY

HE SNORTS

Two, two, one, three.

SHE BLOWS TWO RASPBERRIES, SNORTS

SHE WHISTLES WEAKLY One, two, three, one.

HE SNORTS, BLOWS RASPBERRY, SNORTS

- No! - No. ALEX BLOWS WHISTLE

That's lost, Joel. I'm blowing the whistle!

We lost Joel Dommett. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK.

Greg, would you like to go up to five-digit sequences?

Oh, my God, I would. It's a semifinal.

So we're on to Kumail.

Five? I'm the first guy to do five?

You're the first guy ever to do five.

LAUGHTER

One, three, two, one, two.

HE SNORTS Hoot!

HE SNORTS, BLOWS RASPBERRY ALEX BLOWS WHISTLE

Afraid not. Now, that should have been a raspberry.

The third should have been a raspberry.

It was a raspberry. The snort should have been a raspberry.

One, one, two, three, two.

HE SNORTS TWICE, BLOWS RASPBERRY

HE WHISTLES, BLOWS RASPBERRY

Correct. Yes!

One, two, one, three, two.

SHE SNORTS

SHE BLOWS RASPBERRY, ALL LAUGH

We have a winner, everyone. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY

I'll add that to your final scores. Come and join me!

Mr Armando Iannucci! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well!

Yeah!

That was an absolute... GREG WHISTLES

That's a fun task. They were so good at making noises

in the correct order, weren't they?

Weren't they! The worst was Amy, but only just.

I mean, you deserve more than one point, but that's all you get.

SHE BLOWS RASPBERRY, LAUGHS

Amy got one, Joel, two, Kumail, three,

Joanna, four, Armando, five. Which means...

...the final scoreboard.

It's his second victory. At the bottom, Amy and Joel,

the happy guys on ten points.

At the top, Armando has got 22 points!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Armando Iannucci wins!

Please come to the stage to bag your bounty of bumpy things!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media