Original subtitles

Well, they're cool.

Girl, if it itches, it's class.

Hey,

girl.

Want some brown liquor?

Brown liquor don't make this for the bath.

Tequila it is.

Here you go.

Now that shit right there make your pussy pop away. Here, stand.

So what are you doing here anyway?

What do you think I'm doing here?

I'm starting in the opening seat.

Been there, done that.

Pick up the phone!

Pick up the phone!

Richie? Tiana. Hey.

You know, I thought it'd be easier for the audience if they didn't have to make

more texts.

Yeah, that makes sense, because you know these motherfuckers can't read.

I know.

Who goes to see your ways, brother? Well, it's nice to...

Some beat you in this super awkward way.

Likewise, but I gotta be honest, when I seen your profile pic, a bitch almost

swiped left because you look mad goofy.

But surprisingly, you know, them goofy niggas got big dick, so here we are.

I take you for a Jersey girl.

A Jersey girl?

Listen, I love Jersey damn, but I'm a Harlem girl. Born and motherfucking

raised. Real niggas only. Yeah.

Oh, so you're black.

No, motherfucker.

I'm black.

No cap.

The cap.

Fuck all y 'all.

Bitch, spit them pearls back out.

I want your shit.

Hello? So tell me, what's your favorite scary movie?

I don't really do them. You know, all the super tropes and shit. Why is it

always the white bitch at the end? Because they know it's too hard to kill

sister. You know what I'm saying? Because if the sister can survive

cheese, we can survive anything.

You know, it might help if you met me outside.

Met you outside?

Boy, you just needy.

What's your sign? You must be a Scorpio.

How'd you know?

Good dick, though. But toxic as hell.

Hey, is the restaurant near an alley? Yeah, it's hurrying before they rob your

ass.

You know this?

Ah, that's that cheap bitch.

Heard you, ho.

Okay, I'm coming down the alley now.

I'm here. Can you see me? I'm waving.

No.

The person I'm looking at's not waving.

Like they're just staring at me. Well, stare at his ass back.

And don't blink. Never blink. You've got struts to listen to. What?

No, they're walking towards me now.

Oh, no, they have a knife.

Well, don't lead his ass over here.

And that's not the worst part.

The worst part is you know so much about horror movies, and yet you still walked

into the alley alone.

Yeah, but the worst part is you're fucking with a New York bitch.

Seriously, man? I didn't recognize the bird call. I thought you was going more

with a... That's a pigeon, nigga.

It's supposed to be... A hawk simply did an attack.

Are you done?

Bitch,

I'm Tiana Taylor. My ass got ass.

Can I ask if we can work this out?

It's your hard -headed asshole.

Welcome to your sucker.

Hey, Tiana.

You might have kicked my ass, but you still didn't win that Oscar.

What'd you say about my Oscar?

Did I stutter?

You lost.

You're right.

But I won that Golden Globe, dude.

Oh, my God, really?

That's why I never watched horror movies.

It's fucking terrible.

Just a bunch of celebrity cameos and fart gags.

I'm more into Judd Apatow films. You know, elevated comedy.

And what is elevated comedy?

The kind that doesn't actually make anyone laugh, but makes white people

smart.

Tuesday, don't answer that.

Could be ghost things.

Oh, come on, Elle.

Stuff like that only happens in the movies.

Oh, hey. I wasn't expecting you to answer the door.

What the fuck?

Now, where's my wife?

This is Hello Tuesday.

What'd you take? Just Ritalin for my ADHD.

Adderall for PTSD.

A couple of Banex for my anxiety.

And your voter pills.

So good luck getting it up now.

Jesus, Sarah, how many did you take?

I don't know. How many come in a bottle?

Hey, Tess.

Sarah, Toothpick's in the hospital.

She was stabbed by a killer. You know, Ghostface.

Wait, from Wu -Tang?

What about Ghostface Killa, a .k .a. Pretty Tell Me, a .k .a. Starkey Love,

he stabbed my sister?

God, Sarah, it wasn't Ghostface Killa. It was somebody in a Ghostface mask.

Oh.

Okay, that makes more sense.

I ate the wand!

Jesus, Jack!

What? I was thinking about wearing this for Halloween.

My strange blast -tested half -sister was nearly killed by... Thank God he's

smart.

I thought I could see her.

Can't make up for the past.

I'm going with you.

Not because I'm the obvious killer trying to lure you back to your

I'm just a supportive boyfriend.

That's all.

Okay, let's go. Get in the car.

Listen, we just have to make one stop on the way.

I survived.

All thanks to my lucky penny.

I hate when y 'all leave. Come here, young.

Come on, turn off this ratchet -ass music. It's embarrassing, especially for

black women.

It's not embarrassing. I'm the cool mom.

Everybody wish they had. I'm lit.

Don't forget, I got practice later, so I'll be home late. You only made the

because you're black, and those racist fucks assumed you could play.

It's 2026. I don't think race is an issue.

Do you read black Twitter?

No. Oh, wait.

Are you still dating that hoe?

Okay. Stop hoe -shaming her, heifer. Just because Daryl and them ran a train

her doesn't make her a hoe.

She's not a hoe.

She's sex positive.

Well, I'm positive she's a hoe.

What shit is she at? Bloody schoolgirl.

How we ho?

Hi, this is me.

Love the hair.

I mean, I'll take a sponsor.

Well, thank you very much. I gotta invite you over and make you a little

pot. Ooh, you know what? I gotta get to African American history class.

We're learning about slavery.

Time to find out. It was a choice. You see that right there?

That's Kanye.

That's right.

They've been teaching us wrong all this time.

Mm -hmm. Stay black.

Bye, Ma.

All right. Bye, baby. Bye, sweet.

Bye. Son, I put some condoms in your bag. You know, I may try to trap y 'all.

Mom.

Okay, seriously?

Sure, Greg. You don't have to walk me to class. I'm fine. Jess, there's a serial

killer on the loose.

I'm not going to let anything happen to my baby girl.

Boy, okay? I'm a baby boy. I'm sorry.

I'm having a hard time with this transition.

Okay, it's really simple.

Treat me like one of the guys.

Okay?

I can do that. Yeah.

Slap fight.

Oh, you call that a slap?

Who the hell did you do that for?

Don't act like such a bitch.

Bitch.

Not bad.

What the hell is like this?

Want some tea?

Oh, my God, Mother. You look like shit.

Baby, please. This is clearly a woman who's run out of condition. Oh, be

where you walk. The whole place is booby -trapped.

You never know when that psycho's going to come back.

Come in.

Okay.

I hate this job.

Mr. Campbell, I'm Jack, Sarah's boyfriend.

I've heard so much about you.

None of it good.

I've heard nothing about you, Jack. I assume you're a piece of shit. But how

would I know when I haven't heard from my daughter in what, six months? Six

years, mother.

And whose fault is that? And whose fault is that? I don't know. Maybe it's

yours.

That's fair. We want to learn from the horror you survived.

Look, Scary Movie 3 and 4 paid me a lot of money for a girl. There is nothing to

learn there.

But if you want to talk about the house, Bunny, shoot. It's happening again.

Some asshole in a mask. We have to stop him.

You're not ready, lovebug.

I have been preparing for this for years.

Sacrificed everything.

You are a terrible mother.

Come on, honey.

We had some good times.

Like that Christmas that took you to meet Santa at the mall?

Your turn, Sarah.

Move. Hi, Santa.

Sorry if I don't sit in your lap. You creep me out.

Be sure to thank him.

I

am

sorry if that's how you found out Santa doesn't exist.

Mother, I need your help.

To heal our emotional wounds and put the past behind us?

God, no.

No, to kill Ghostface.

Do you have any guns?

I am Cindy fucking Campbell.

I've got millions of guns, but none of them are registered due to my mental

health issues.

So if you could just keep that on the low.

Okay.

Yeah, I'm going to be fine. I didn't hurt myself on any of these spikes.

Okay, so I spoke to Sarah earlier.

Oh, is she coming? You know, I did hear a buzzing sound.

So it's possible. No, I meant to Woodsville.

Dumbass. Oh, yeah, I forgot that.

Say, Jimbo, go deep.

Go, go, go.

Sweet.

Speaking of going deep.

I don't know if it's a good time.

Everyone knows what happens to teenagers who try to make love when there's a

killer in the loose.

Brad's right about one thing, guys. The ghost face is back.

We need to arm up.

Pepper spray, check.

Taser. Check.

Butt plug?

Double check.

God damn!

You just carry that thing around?

It's easy to hide.

In your butt?

I'm impressed.

Love y 'all!

I'm dead!

What's up, huh? Huh?

I'm tired of you little Gen Z alpha niggas using terms like unk and auntie,

gaslighting and glazing and glamping, trying to make my generation sound old.

I ain't your damn unk, nigga. Shorty, you're our mother's brother, so yeah,

technically you are our uncle.

Oh. My bad. Yeah.

Crazy that they let you teach here.

Teach? Nah, nigga.

I attend.

You're looking at a proud 25th year senior.

When are you finally going to graduate?

By the time we do a sequel and I got to follow you little young niggas to

college to give my check.

Wait, guys, Tuesday's awake.

All right, Tuesday. Who the fuck is Tuesday?

Hey, we got to go to the hospital. You going to take the bus home?

No, the PJ.

Private jet?

Yeah, jealous.

Man, you smoke weed all day. You just play video games, live stream.

You literally got money doing nothing.

Exactly. I leave the hard work for the old head.

Still the same shorty. All right.

Check my crypto. Oh, shit, I'm up $3 million.

Damn, that one down 5 million.

This shit crazy, son.

us to bring her. It's okay.

You heard the call of sin. Yes, you did. But the Lord has called on us to show

men such like you the way.

Come on, son.

Come with us.

Come on us.

God see you coming.

So don't cheat that come.

We need you to come like you never came before.

Come for the father, come for the son.

I'm going to hold your hand and we're going to come together.

In the name of God!

Let it go, Ray!

Let it go!

Nigga! Oh, my bad.

Last time.

Let's welcome a new member to our congregation.

Let people know how you feel.

I'm not gay no more.

I'm not gay no more.

I'm not gay no more.

I'm gay no more.

I'll no longer date a man.

Even if he sets his hair with a big old checkers and perky areolas.

Oh yeah, you still got a figure.

I'll no longer carry a purse, put on makeup, walk around in high heels.

Red bottles.

One with a cute little buckle on the side.

This is my shoes.

cheaper i thought that was my anniversary right oh this nigga got a

i no longer stand butt naked in the mirror with my penis tucked between my

dancing like a dude from silence of the lamb they put some ocean in the basket

precious i'm a changed man i've been delivered

No,

no, no, no, no, no.

Walking toward it? Oh, my God, in the morning.

I'm trying to get that out for an hour.

How are you feeling, too?

Hey, what is he giving you for the pain?

Is that more pain?

Oh, bitch.

Oh,

yeah.

Oh, this is good, good.

This is good, Brittany.

Beer should make someone go half naked, dance around, and juggle some knives.

Sarah, who's that Jeffrey Dahmer lookalike?

Oh, this is my boyfriend, Jack.

Really nice to meet you.

Looks like Ted Bundy to me.

But that ain't none of my business.

This little stabbed up bitch here needs some rest. So y 'all get the fuck out.

Yes, ma 'am.

Oh, not you, Sarah. Why? What did I do?

I'm so scared.

Oh, Tooth. You should be.

You've been stabbed nine times.

And the killer knows where you live.

I would invite you to come stay at my place, but I don't really want that kind

of juju in my house.

For all we know, he's standing right outside that door.

Comforting, Sarah.

I thought I was going to die.

I know, me too.

I planned a funeral.

What the hell? And I wrote your obituary.

More like Chat TV T wrote it. I thought you were still here.

And I will never let anyone hurt you.

Oh, God!

Fire was the shit, baby. That's my show. Drugs and that interest. I will make

this Gucci want to pop, pop, pop. Dear Lord, please accept this white bitch.

the Lord works in mysterious ways.

I'm going on break.

Oh, cheers.

I will never let anyone hurt you again.

Who is this?

So what? Who knows your little secret?

No, no, no. I swear that wasn't a Nazi salute. Okay? I won prom queen and I was

throwing my heart to the crowd.

No.

I'm talking about your family secret.

Oh, you're the fuck who hurt my sister.

Well, I had to get you to come back here.

Listen, if you want to fuck with me, asshole, then come and get me. With

pleasure.

It looks like you got hit with something hard, like metal. I told you, I fell.

Now where exactly are we going?

To talk to an expert.

Go away!

I'm so sorry to bother you. We just want to ask you a few questions.

Give me one good reason why I should talk to you.

I'm white?

How white?

Oh, I'm talking Tavis Owen's white.

Oh. Hey, Jake.

When you said expert, I assumed you meant more like Neil deGrasse Tyson

I'm Sarah Campbell.

I was attacked last night. I think you should leave.

I don't want to get stabbed, and I don't want COVID, okay?

Please, come on. Just two minutes. That's all I'm asking. No, no.

I'll give you eight minutes.

And another thing.

Oh, I got Tavis Owen.

Now you guys are good.

When did the work week become the woke week? We've got Black Friday. What's

next? Mulatto Monday?

I mean, Yellow Thursday?

Let me get this out of the way.

Sorry.

Oh, coffee test is done.

Yep, you're good.

You're Cindy's daughter, right?

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know him.

Oh, this is Jack.

My love interest.

No, no, no, no.

Rule number one of surviving a horror movie is never trust the love interest.

Look at him.

He's got that weird lazy eye poking one way and then he's drooling like a

psychopath. He's got that stomp leg.

Makes the wall walk weird and creepy. I don't have a stump.

That guy does.

Oh. I'm looking at me.

Special Officer Danny.

Retired. Listen, Doofy, we could really use your help.

No. I can't go back to that life.

Plus, we're in the middle of a global pandemic. Okay, I hate to break it to

but COVID has been over for, like, years.

Really?

Yeah.

Damn it!

What am I going to do with all this damn meat?

Get out, and don't walk down the street to find me. And don't come back.

Okay, just because he showered doesn't mean that... Yeah, I don't care. I just

take water from my mouth.

You want some? No, that's okay.

Okay. Come on, Doofy. Yeah, do it. Sarah, is your ghetto -ass mom coming?

we start talking about this plot?

Uh... Hi.

You came.

Not in like 15 years, honey. But I did buy this new rose, so fingers crossed.

You taught me how to dance?

How to make a high -end word pie?

Nigga, I'm writing back to you.

Sweet! What's up, Sandy?

How you doing, my nigga?

Shit, son!

I can't believe you thought I was dead.

Well, between cancer from the weed, smoke, your love of the McRib, and

cops, I didn't think you had a chance.

Yeah, that's a terrible comment.

Hi, Sid.

Stop smiling at me!

Shit! Wildstar!

Wildstar! Wildstar! Hey, he's intellectually disabled. That's just how

you drunk honky. Hey, hey, hey. Don't call that white bitch a honky. Come on,

have some respect.

I keep seeing people smiling everywhere.

I'm not very likable, so it must be some kind of curse.

Hey, everybody!

Look what I got!

Non -branded...

and GHB, so ain't nobody sipping nothing ain't consent to life. I apologize.

I love roofing myself.

No. You sure, baby? Hi, Brenda.

Please do not call me by my government name. Call me, Ma.

Cindy!

You dropped the train.

Oh, my God!

neglecting my children so I can prepare to kill Ghostface should he ever return.

What about you?

Well, I've been mostly just getting high school kids drunk in a desperate

attempt to stay young and keep my kids at home. I always knew you'd be a great

mom. Oh, Cindy.

Should we hug?

Oh, I really want to, but I'm a Republican now, so I'm supposed to be

Oh, girl, I think all white people are racist anyway. Come here. Okay.

Oh.

Do you want to share?

Oh, yes, yes.

You know, Ma, this place could be so cool if you had like a beer pong table

there, maybe like a snack wall.

What you know about cool? When I was your age, I was popping bottles with

Puff Daddy, P. Diddy, Diddy, all the Shons.

That ain't as well. Your mama was the freak in the freak -offs.

You want to see something cool?

I'm going to show you something cool.

That's cool. What are you doing?

What? No, not like that.

I don't know why y 'all are acting so scared. The gun ain't even loaded.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Uh -oh. I did it again.

I always forget that last one in the chamber. Help me move this back.

Yeah, you got it. That was fun.

Oh, so what are you doing after this? I want to go with Calvin.

I'm proud of you all the time. All

right.

Let's get back to the plot.

I'm looking at you, Ted Bundy. I'm looking like a school shooter. I think

the killer. Oh, me?

Okay. What about Deputy Doofy over there? I don't have a motive.

Yeah, what's my motive?

You were the killer in the first movie.

Shouldn't you be locked up?

No, I got pardoned. Mostly because of storming the Capitol, you know.

I got proof.

It's me.

In a train.

That's a cool hit.

What about Jeff?

What about me? If anybody here has issues that could lead to murder, you've

me. Trans -shaming is not cool, okay?

He's just a dude. He's the finest duffer body strength in the dick part.

Hey, you don't know what I got down here, okay?

I do.

Hey, hey.

Listen, what we know so far is everyone who's been attacked is related to the

original characters.

He wants to kill the kids.

He's making a reboot -a -quote.

A what now? Yep, it's like a reboot and a sequel. Mix of legacy characters with

new characters in an attempt to feed into bullshit nostalgia and bring more

to the theaters. Just like last year's I Know What You Did Last Summer.

That's a movie?

What did I do last summer?

I think you're talking about the summer I turned pretty. Yeah. Ray, when did you

get here?

Oh, I didn't. I was just hanging out by the men's room.

Oh. Mama?

Okay, so that means that our killer is writing his own version of horror movie.

Okay, so according to the rebooty call rules, who's the killer?

I think it's pretty obvious.

Who?

You bitch.

Me? Guys, I am not the killer.

Ghostface attacked Tuesday to lure me back here. I think he attacked Tuesday

get you back here so he could get me back here. He wants to kill the OGs.

was a flex.

Yeah, that sounds better.

Fuck this!

And fuck you, mother!

To your mother?

Hey, don't be so disrespectful!

And call me ma -

Talk to me. Hello, Sheriff.

Agent Underwood?

I'll give you one hint.

What's your favorite scary movie?

Well, I'm going to go with Sulfur.

I mean, the member on that English guy was terrifying.

And Ken Jeong's junk in The Hangover was a much better depiction of the male

anatomy. And what do you want, fuckface?

Well, I'm just calling to tell you that by the time you get home, I'll have

gunned at your baby girl.

Hey, asshole, she's a boy.

Looking for this?

Let me help you.

I got your baby dick.

Winky, winky, winky, winky.

Here we go.

What do you want, fuckface?

Like father, like son.

I understand you're home alone.

Well, dad's out, but...

The pool guy, the gardener, and the plumber are all here, asshole.

Look out your window.

No, but they're the backbone of the American workforce.

I'm not too white to do those jobs.

Let's cut to the chase.

I'll ask you one question.

If you answer correctly, you live.

Who was the killer in Horror Movie?

Um... That's easy. It was Bobby and then Kay Ray, the guy who was totally into

dudes, even though he claimed he wasn't. Classic 2000s homophobia.

But I got you, bitch. Wrong.

You forgot Special Officer Doofy. Now you die.

Oh, for God's... You should probably answer that.

I can literally see you trying to steal my package.

Oh, yes.

Namaste.

Uh, some steaks. Let's go, Puff.

Wait a sec.

Careful. You will not manage to kill us.

You are about to identify as dead.

Ew.

Stand like a girl.

Come on, girl. What is that ghost face stuff for? Try the Ghost Face Killer

Collection Bundle. This is Kiki West for OnlyFans Rapid News. Rapid News? You

mean Vapid News? You don't even have a camera, man.

My equipment!

Excuse me.

Oh, my.

You're... Yes, yes.

three -time Emmy nominee for Outstanding Achievement in Sensational Reporting.

I was going to say the lady from Friends, but shorter, plus Botox. Oh, is

what you were going to say?

Yeah. You seriously don't know who I am? Baby girl, I am Gail. Gail Swallows.

Hey. Gail Storm. Gail, Gail. Get the hell out of my way.

Doofus? Hey, Gail.

You haven't aged a day.

You've aged like a million days. That's this many. Yeah, your fingers feel like

genitals. What are you doing in that ridiculous uniform?

I'm back on the case.

Yeah, I'm going to bust Ghostface.

Well, um, tell me, Special Needs Officer Doofy.

Wow. Are there any suspects in this?

Tragic yet completely predictable incident. I'm not allowed to say.

No, no. Yes, you can.

Yes, you can. Tell me.

Tell me.

Hey,

remember when you used to give blowjobs for sensitive information?

I don't give blowjobs anymore, okay? Not since Me Too.

Okay, sorry.

I give handjobs now, but the story better be good. Okay, I'll do a handjob.

Let's do it.

What's that?

What the?

I'm going to get you. I'll go right there. I'm going to get you. Right?

You got my outfit, you little critter.

Maybe weed and sugar will be legal.

Fuck yeah, sure.

Hello,

shorty. You do know that smoking is bad for you.

Actually, weed ain't bad for you. You got vitamin T, C, and H, C, B, and D.

What's the matter, Shorty?

You look a little chancy.

Maybe because there's a masked serial killer sipping tea in my den.

Shorty, you're my nigga. I mean, friend.

Please, sit. Ty.

Do you want to quit smoking?

Well, to be honest, I try to quit.

But my mother said I ain't raising no quitters.

So I quit quitting. We could try hypnosis.

Bro, I don't care how many pocket watches you try and wave in front of my

It ain't gonna work, son.

You can't magnetize me.

Sleep.

Shorty.

Hmm?

What's up?

Tell me about your mother.

Damn, nigga.

Let's start with something light. Like, do you lick ass? Yes or no?

The answer's yes.

So what?

Happened to her, shorty.

She was coming home.

Her car was parked on the side of the road.

Someone was in it.

And something bad was happening.

Why didn't you call anyone?

Pardon? I had warrants.

You were 11?

I started young, nigga.

Oh. What? What do you see?

I see a big explosion of water.

It was like a civil rights hoax.

Police said it was a murder -suicide.

She killed that man.

When they opened the car door, his limp body just slid out.

Like the green nigga in Shape of Water.

I just didn't want it to be real.

What don't you want to be real?

That my mother was a squirter.

Okay, tell her, Garner. All the floors in her bedroom was warped. I can't move.

You're paralyzed.

Now, sink into the chair.

Wait, no, wait. Sink.

Now I'm flying,

time for dining, cause I've got the machine.

But they don't need a reason to bang these demons.

That dream was wild.

That must have been Elon Musk.

Tuesday?

Tuesday?

Bobby?

She's gonna die.

Our daughter, Sarah?

You're probably right. She's tough, but let's see her get stabbed in the cut.

I'm gonna die.

Bobby, you're already dead.

This hallucination is a manifestation of my own guilt for being an awful mom. Or

it could be the shrooms I just popped.

You're gonna die.

Bitch, you ain't killing me.

You're gonna die.

Stop smiling.

I can't talk.

Hey! This is the mental ward.

Everyone smiles in here.

What? Oh, um, could you point me in the direction of the ICU?

Is it that way or that way?

Uh, visiting hours are upper. Oh, yes, of course.

The network wants me to clarify that Black Friday has nothing to do with

Well, just tell that to my black friend, Benita, who's probably clocking someone

over there to target as we speak.

Right, Benita?

Come on!

Man, you ain't Michael.

Michael got that cherry curl.

What is that, son?

Is that Gillette? See?

People think it's gelatin, but it's actually shopping. Boy, your hair look

fondue. It's dirty.

Michael's got a monkey.

I got a llama.

Fuck, Michael. You can't dance, boy.

I'll be back.

I can do more.

What is this?

Oh, Jermaine.

Coming Juneteenth. Only on Tubi.

I'm a bootleg batshit.

Hello?

Fuck this.

I'm gonna miss you all.

Oh, hell no!

Stay black, don't die!

Stay black, don't die!

Jack?

Did Sarah tell you to come?

Um, yeah.

That's why I'm here.

Not to murder you or anything like that. Then why are you wearing gloves?

Would you believe I...

And thinking about dressing up as O .J. Simpson for Halloween.

But those fit.

No!

Doc, cool bro, you almost did a thing!

I mean, no!

I'm gonna gut you like a pig!

That is so true.

I've got to get better writers.

Wait until I stick my knife down them.

I'm crying over here.

Step aside.

This will be serious.

Do me.

I like doing this.

Oh, you son of a bitch.

What the?

My psycho mother said, always keep us trapped.

Go, go. I'm going to go get you, my bitch.

I'll take you, my bitch.

Scooby, it'll never happen.

Ask Demi Moore.

No! No! No! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes!

Scooby,

what the fuck?

Smell my finger.

Doc, what the fuck was that?

My ass.

Fuck your ass.

That's my ass.

Any last words?

I go pooping.

It's your boy Shorty. That's right. It's another Halloween -a -thon, and it's

another day of me getting paid mad money for doing absolutely nothing.

Why, you stupid motherfuckers, watch out!

You didn't call me dumb!

I want to give a smooth shout -out to my sponsor, Angry Orchard Hard Silo.

They got mad apples, son.

It's me, it's me! It's me! It's me! It's me! It's me!

You want to be a Halloween -a -thog without a dope guest? He's a legend in

streaming game. Give it up for Kyle.

The man!

Let's get serious. What brings you to the chat?

You promised I was going to be in a movie.

I've been calling you. You're ghosting me.

Bro, I thought that was one of my crazy -ass baby mamas. That's my bad. Speaking

of ghosting.

Somebody was talking to you.

Hello? What's your favorite scary movie?

We're back in the internet,

son! What's up, my guy? You got some angry orchard hot side in there? That's

right. They got mad apples.

And we're going to smack the fuck out of you. You got to guess who did it. It

doesn't even make sense.

This is a dumb game.

time you guys got here.

Now you're gonna get it.

So that's our suspect.

Goes by the name Shorthand.

Was the handyman at a house reputed to be haunted in 2001.

He's right. He's not telling me.

But your wife hates you.

You believe the earth is flat and you voted for Trump.

Free time.

What, I was supposed to vote for the woman?

Huh? I believe shorthand is the notorious ghost face.

What'd their mouth do?

You did look pretty sketchy.

I got the wrong guy.

And you know that because you're psychic?

No. So don't call me a wrestler.

I don't know.

That guy's black.

He's kind of... not that black.

Like gravy brown.

Hit him with your strong hand.

Rest him anyways.

Oh, I didn't tell him.

Turn off your body cam.

This hailstorm, welcome back.

Doc, I'm begging you. You gotta help me look younger. These little bitches are

killing me out there. They're wearing nothing but a sausage casing and a ring

light. Trust me with this withered, decrepit, age -ravaged body.

And I will make you whole.

One middle -aged white lady special coming right up.

Thanks. I'm going to play a quick video on the ins and outs of the procedure,

and then we'll get started.

Do you wish you weren't so old and saggy?

Do you wish you were younger?

I'm here.

Fuckable again.

One single injection unlocks your DNA, creating a new barrier.

This.

Doc,

this isn't that Gwyneth Paltrow crap that makes you smell like her badge, is

You were thinking it. But you failed.

White chick to my ass.

Hey, Sarah.

Tuesday, I tried to visit you. I am sorry for everything, especially

your name.

It was Taco Tuesday. I was super drunk. But I promise you, I will kill this

motherfucker. It's fine. Really, we're cool. I'm not. Forget it.

I'm going to take you to the car.

Dumbass!

I'm taking twos away from all of this.

I tried to run two, but it follows.

Yeah, you're probably expecting a flashback to that movie, but it's too

Yeah, and the... Party's weird. You have sex with someone, give them an STD, and

then they haunt them in the form of their naked grandma. It's like an STD

biopic. Ugh, the killer is taunting me. Why doesn't he just kill us?

Oh, speak for yourself.

Like, what are you waiting for?

Oh, no, no, no, sweetie, sweet. It's like this.

I wish you weren't my mother. What are you waiting for?

Candyman.

Candyman.

Candyman.

You sure about this?

Yeah. Keep saying it.

Candyman.

Candyman.

What's up? You got that candy, man?

I got weed gummies, peanuts, fruit chips.

And what take you so long to show up? Come on, Clarence. I called you five

times, nigga. Show up in three. You ain't even call me on the phone.

Lucky I was walking by and her draw through the hole in this wall.

Fix that shit. You shut your ass up. You need to go to a proctologist and get

your skin looked at. Having acne over the age of 40 is wild work.

I look better than this nigga.

Maybe on this side. Hey, ain't no time for beating. We about to be high as

We going to party, son.

I don't know what I got. I don't know what I got. I don't know what I got.

I don't know what I got. I don't know what I got.

I don't know what I got.

I don't know what I got.

Ray, let me guess.

You are Woody from Toy Story.

Nah, Brenda, that's gay.

Jake Gyllenhaal from Brokeback Mountain.

I wish I knew how to quit you, but I can't.

You love that movie.

Hey, Brenda.

Huh? Have you seen my big old bag of candy?

It had chocolates, gummies, lollipops.

It's going missing. No, no, no. It's not missing. I passed it out to the trick

-or -treaters.

Brenda. That's my stage.

Hey!

Do you know how many baby seals die from microplastics?

Yeah, job safe.

My God, he stabbed her. Got her. My pronouns are they, them. He stabbed

I'm over 40. How am I supposed to keep up with all of this?

She's not wrong.

It's Karens like you that keep the patriarchy going with their knees on our

necks. Now you're playing the race card?

I have enough of her shit. That's it, bitch.

And to be clear, my real name is Spirit. Oh, shit. This is too good. Ignore the

insults. They don't realize we're here to help them.

Toxic masculinity and mansplaining doesn't help anybody.

How's my masculinity toxic?

I love women and sports.

Just not together.

Come here, bitch.

I'm gonna be next. I ain't ready for this.

I'm gonna be next. I'm so psyched.

I blame the man, it's fear.

Uncle Shorty. What's up, nephew?

Can I ask you something?

Yeah, sure.

It's about, you know, how to go down on a girl.

You talking about eating pussy?

It's so cringe, but yeah.

Well, maybe if you stop talking like a 14 -year -old white girl, you can learn

something. All right, so listen up.

First thing you got to do, you got to spread the name. You got to open it up.

Then you want to use your fingers.

Sometimes you can use two.

Two fingers, like that there.

Now, once you get it all in there, now you got to use your tongue.

You can't be afraid of it.

Yeah,

lean into it.

No, no, no, you're doing it too fast.

Listen, you got to be gentle. You got to talk to it.

It's like rolling a blunt.

All you gotta do, nephew, is hit that shit.

Got it?

All right, now.

Want to learn how to lick ass?

Ask your mama.

Oh, you feel so good.

Oh, oh, oh, yeah.

Elle, I want to try something.

I thought you said you'd never let me pet you.

What? No.

Relax.

I just want to taste you.

Okay.

Dinner time.

Oh, yeah. Come here, baby.

Careful.

I might get gangster.

Oh.

It is gangster.

Okay. up. You're so hot. You want some more?

Yeah.

You feel so much better than Daryl and them.

Get back in there. Yeah.

Lick it. Yeah.

Lick it hard.

Finish her.

Oh my God.

Just like rolling a blunt.

Now all I gotta do is hit it.

What the fuck?

Hey there.

We heard tell of a Halloween party.

You didn't now, did you? We're here to drink, play bad music, do some half -gay

shit.

Why just half -gay?

Can I help you?

If you'd just invite us in.

Why do you need an invitation?

Folks show up to parties uninvited all the time with their little nasty -ass

casseroles. Landon's shit. Y 'all better start using some Lowry. Mm -hmm. And

why she got them dirty -ass feet? Look like you was walking around porn sets

day. Got them trailer pop toes.

Ha -ha -ha -ha! Jesus!

I think you're in the wrong place.

Y 'all quaint?

No. We believe in music and quality.

How about we show y 'all? It's okay now.

Weezy's rolling around in her grave right now.

Why

don't

y 'all just go to one of those frat parties where they drink until they

out and wake up with their booties hurting, not knowing what someone in a

hat did to them. Yeah, what?

Okay, well, we will leave you guys alone, but we're going to walk real slow

in case y 'all change your minds.

Change your minds yet? Nope. Hell no.

How about now?

No.

Yes? Keep walking.

Now get it. Sarah, come on.

Guys,

I think I saw an open window over here. That window's closed.

Not for long.

I just left my inhaler.

Honestly, too. So I thought inhaler is the worst plot device in movie history.

That's true. Should have been in vain. But we're here now. So let's make the

most of it. And where's the white closet?

Sarah?

Hello. Get your sister and get out of there right now.

Okay, hon? I am a grown -ass woman.

Mother, I don't have to do anything you tell me to do. That's the house where

your psycho father killed those people.

Someone wanted to get you there.

Which means someone wants to get me there.

Oh my God, this isn't about you.

Why are you yelling? Because the camera is so fucking far away.

Wait, hold on. Are you tracking my phone?

You're breaking up. Yes.

years of slave shit? Whoa, whoa, whoa. I didn't see that movie, okay?

I just found this thing in the shed.

Jeez.

Come on, bro.

That's even worse.

I didn't mean it that way.

Some of my best victims are black.

And another brother falls victim to gun violence.

Turns out race is still an issue.

That's not fair. You know, black guys are usually diverse in the world.

Just give a whole new meaning to dead by daylight.

Hello,

shorty.

You're about to be hired.

Bro,

why are you running backwards, son? Oh, no, it's not me.

Something's wrong. Nick, your remote is upside down. You're fucking hired, bud.

Game on, bitches.

Oh, Jack.

Oh, thank God you're here. Where were you?

Goosebeats was just here.

I was outside getting some fresh air. Stop.

One of you is the killer.

Huh?

Why do you have blood on your hand?

I found Brad outside.

She's the killer.

I am not the killer.

I'm not even sex positive. I'm a virgin.

No way.

What doesn't count?

Since you saw that.

Welcome to act three, bitches.

What?

What does that even mean?

It's when the shit goes down.

Oh, I still don't really know.

to make this.

Do you have one bigger and black?

Oh, right.

Hey,

who are you? John Wick?

I would have said ballerina, but nobody saw that shit.

Let's do this.

Okay.

What do you think?

I think Drake lost to Kendrick.

such a bitch -ass move.

About this situation.

Oh, that's definitely a trap. She don't know where we are to bend it down there.

Am

I

gonna make it? Hi, darling. Oh, God, Cindy.

Oh, God.

Bitch, I'm not dead yet.

Oh, my bad.

Now you go back in there.

Finish it for me. Cindy. I would do anything for you, Brenda.

Yes,

she bought it. That old ketchup trick. It don't fail.

That bitch is crazy if she thought I was taking my blocked ass back in there.

Attention all killers.

You have five seconds to show yourselves.

My favorite ball.

Go find your own damn closet.

Sorry.

Hello, Cindy.

Hello. Looks like you forgot the first rule of surviving a horror movie ever.

Answer the phone.

I thought the first rule was you never trust the love interest.

Really? Well, I'm changing rules. How about that?

New rule.

Go fuck yourself.

Wait, wait.

Why do you hate closets so much?

I told you to come out.

Yeah, well, I didn't want to get shot.

Ironic, isn't it?

You missed, you bitch.

Oh, God, it's gonna be... It's insomniac.

You beat your job, Wick.

You might not kill your dog.

Mr.

Dog is just a metaphor.

It was about losing his wife.

Sure it's not an allegory.

Let us

begin.

Oh, that stunt girl is good.

a dick.

Shoot him, Sarah. End this. Don't tell me what to do.

This isn't the best time to resolve our mommy -daughter issues, but Sarah, I am

so sorry. I have been a terrible mother. I don't even know your sister

Wednesday. Tuesday.

Have to clarify that for legal reasons.

But I prepared you for this.

So go on, baby.

You kill him.

Sarah! Jack! Sarah!

Jack! Sarah!

Jack! Sarah! Jack! Sarah!

Jack! Thank God you're okay, because I really wanted to be the one to kill you.

Take it, baby.

See, I told you it was about me.

No, Sarah.

You were just the bait.

It's about her.

Fuck! Oh, sorry, honey. I hate being right.

You should have listened to Doofy.

I love interest.

It just seemed too obvious, you know? Which makes you think it is not obvious.

Same page, honey. Yeah, well, that's the twist.

Now get in the kitchen. Go.

Okay, listen up.

See, there hasn't been a great horror movie since the first one.

We're going to save the franchise.

Go get our special guest star.

Hollywood! Out of ideas.

Why else would there be a scary movie set? But it wouldn't work with just the

new characters, would it? We need the legacy characters.

Oh, and there wouldn't be Cindy without her sassy black sidekick Brenda.

You ain't have to say black with no heart. Be like that.

Well, I wouldn't go that far, but... Sure.

Go get Tuesday.

Okay, ladies.

Time to save the bodies.

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Who are you people?

We're the motherfuckers that are taking over this franchise.

Oh, yeah?

Okay. Oh, my God. That was not part of the plan.

Neither was this.

my boy Kevin Hart with it.

What? Jack?

That's right.

On my knees on the same height as Kevin. And Kevin said no.

Kevin Hart said no? That little motherfucker says yes to everything.

Yeah, he does.

But wait.

There's more.

Ta -da!

Bitches!

Yeah, that's right.

Four black killings. We're making history.

This is a new definition of black excellence.

But why would you do this?

The question is, why would you try to make a sequel without us, huh? Yeah.

the studio wanted to replace these brothers, I was there.

That's facts.

What about me?

What about you? You were in one scene in part four. Yes, but I made that

motherfucker Dr. Phil cut his foot off.

And he crazy now. Yeah, he got weird.

But you see what they trying to do? They trying to pit us all up against each

other. They trying to start black on very black crime.

That's right.

Yo, Shaq. Hey, I'm proud of you, bro. You've had an amazing career as a sports

commentator since retiring from basketball.

And I love the big podcast.

I love that shit.

Even though I don't understand a word you be saying.

You be on that show.

Kobe. Enough.

But my point is, nigga, I love your shit, but I never got over Kazam.

What did that movie do?

What? You know what Kobe would have had?

That motherfucker traded me.

How big is your foot? 22.

Then how big is your dick?

What the fuck you talking about? I'm doing it for the culture. What culture?

Culture club.

Come on, Ray. We're killing people. Stay focused. We back.

Don't you worry. We family.

Mad respect.

Black is nominated for eight Emmys. My nigga.

Actually, the show was only nominated for five.

I was nominated for eight.

But you never won.

What?

But

you

guys

were on the WB.

Nobody saw that shit.

No, no, no.

And you, and you, y 'all went and did scary movie three and four without us.

Nigga, I'm sorry. They offered me so much money. I got a new house, a new

got wings that don't itch.

What about you?

Well, I had a chance to work with the incomparable Charlie Sheen.

That's good. He's a legend, and his dick game is crazy. You know, he slept with

47 ,000 women, and 1 ,000 of them women were dudes.

Lucky guy.

Wait, so y 'all gonna kill us now?

Nah.

What would Halloween be without Jamie Lee Curtis?

Or Scream be without Neve Campbell? That would be Scream 6.

How did you guys pull all of this off?

Sandy.

You know how many Wayneses there are?

Nigga, billions.

Billions. I'm just so happy that the old gang is back together.

Okay, in the middle, on three, core four.

No, no, that's corner swag.

What about the young and the restless?

Yeah, or the old and then the beautiful. Or the cute and the crusty. Yeah, or

the sexy and then the seen.

We were brought in to take over the franchise. That's right.

You guys are like 70 years old.

I just dragged that one to the subway.

Oh, my back hurts.

Guys! Guys!

They're already dead.

Nah. Little fuckers always come back.

Oh, no. Not this time.

Exactly. Come on, Ray. Let's go. Let's go.

Besides, we get to do all these dramatic walkaways with the fire in back of us.

But damn, it's hot.

I don't know.

I kind of like it.

You do, Ray? We should play fireman. You want to dress up like a fireman?

No, I want you to dress up like a fireman.

I'm feeling fat.

Bigger than ever, we back.

Okay, okay.

We back, we back, we back.

Okay, okay.

Weigh it on and put in pain for it. Every day a day to train for it. We on a

whole nother level.

Bigger than ever. We back.

We back. We back. Back like a spine.

Back like reversing out the whip. Boy, it's dry.

Back like I'm Marty.

Back like my thighs. Double back for the narrow cause it's back like I slide.

We outside.

We ain't never really left.

Right, ambidextrous, both hands need a check. Whole fam need respect. More

bands, nothing less.

Tax season, cause I got the plan to collect.

Look at me now.

We on a whole nother level. My foot on the pedal, my eyes on the crown.

Look at me now.

We on a whole nother level.

Bigger than ever, we back.

Okay, okay.

We back.

Okay, okay. Look at me now.

We on a whole nother level.

Look at me now.

My foot on the pedal.

My eyes on the crown.

We on a whole nother level.

Look at me now.

Look at me now.

Look at me now.

We on a whole nother level.

Bigger than ever, we back.

Okay, okay.

We back.

Okay, okay.

Bigger than ever, we back.

Weigh it on and put in pain for it. Every day a day to train for it. We on a

whole nother level.

Bigger than ever, we back.

We back.

We back.

We back.

We on a whole nother level.

Bigger than ever, we back.

Very scary cinema.

Soon in all cinemas.

Come to me, Count Broorlock.

From the studio that made all the black versions of white films.

I am just hunger, no more.

Yesterday you told me wrong.

To be

continued...

Eisberger?

There's something wrong.

He's definitely a mask.

Sit down.

I agree, Berger.

This hand should always remain behind the bars.

Such a handle, it's just... Excuse me for the expression, but can you imagine

how he can strangle you?

You'll go crazy.

Guaranteed iron grip. And you'll show twice as much chubbiness.

Yes. I don't have such fantasies. The main thing is for everyone to

I don't have such fantasies.

Me neither.

But I'm sure it's a second and a shotgun.

It's done.

That's why we have to hold him. Got it? Got it. For a day, for a couple of

weeks, I don't know. I don't know how long this movie is going to be. Like

Nolan's, but now he's holding it.

And I demand from you. Go there and show what you're capable of. A gun and a

gun.

Make a wish.

Sifa!

Here.

You'll lick your fingers.

Hagenberger, I'm stretching my strong hand.

No! But it's a meme.

Mr. Hand -wrapper, you are a mask.

Oh,

it hurts!

Oh, my God!

I'm sorry,

man. It's okay.

We have a family.