Original subtitles

So, let me see if I understand you.

This is a serious attempt to meld the sensibilities of Manhunter, Violence of

the Lambs, and seven with Generation X ink in order to somehow parlay 70s

nostalgia. With a couple of bankable foreign sales draws, you are virtually

guaranteed a $15 million opening weekend.

And it's called Lady Killer.

No, no, no. No, no.

Brady Killer.

Remember? That's why the guy only stalks women named Marsha, Jan, and Cindy.

Brady Killer is a metaphor for our times.

It's pop culture meets high art. Nick at night meets Dostoevsky.

It's a great high-concept piece, I'm telling you. It's about the death of 70s

suburban bliss, which gives way to the angst of 90s dystopian fatalism.

Stay with me. Opening shot.

Long city camp shot. Touch of Evil, The Player, Goodfellas. You know, we're

coming into a house, yes? From a backyard into a house. It's a family

room. Screen door's open. Why is it open?

We don't know.

Anybody in the family room? Nobody there yet. Why is it looking so familiar? Into

the kitchen.

Is it the Brady house?

Looks very much like. So we look for Alice. Is she there? She's not there

either. It's quiet.

Nobody in the house.

We pull him out into the living room. Into the living room. Same shot. Same

shot. Into the living room. There's the chest of drawers. There's the fog.

Boom!

The box is broken.

A ball from above. Did Bobby throw it? We look up. He's not there.

Nobody's there.

Camera goes up, up, up. On a dolly, a crane, you know. Up, up, up. Onto the

second floor. Now we're going down the hall.

That very familiar hall. There's the girls' room.

There's the bathroom.

There's the boys' room. Nobody in any room. The bunks are empty. Why?

One door open.

The attic.

Down through the attic. Same shot, same shot. No coverage.

Up there through the attic. It's Greg's room, yes?

He's moving up there now because he's a big lad. He needs his own room. But he's

not there.

Anybody there?

In the corner there's something.

What is it?

Someone we know? Somebody friendly?

No!

It's the goat.

It's the goat from the other high school.

It's a dead mascot hanging there, blood dripping like a butcher shop. Boom!

We cut to a close-up of Alice.

Earth date, 7912.7.

In line now for several hours, awaiting the first show of Star Trek, the motion

picture.

The box office is open.

We are preparing to get our tickets.

One, please.

How old are you?

How old am I? That's right, how old?

I'm 12.

How old are you?

Well, I'm sorry, I can't let you in.

What do you mean you can't let me in?

Well, after 4 o'clock, you have to be 18 or older or else accompanied by an

adult.

Yeah, but this isn't Saturday Night Fever.

Star Trek, the motion picture. It's rated G.

Those are the rules.

Next, please.

Okay, well, I'll tell you what.

I will give you $10 to let us in. That's my whole allowance.

We can't have unsupervised kids defacing the theater and bothering the patrons.

You think I would be bothering the patrons?

This is my movie. Don't you understand?

The human adventure.

It's just beginning.

Well, I guess it will just have to begin without you.

Now move along, please.

There are a lot of other people in line here.

No, no, no.

Listen, Mark. Just calm down.

We'll come back tomorrow, okay?

There is no tomorrow. It'll be too late, okay?

Think.

Strategize. Move. Count them.

It's like a game of chess.

Think.

Think.

What would William Shatner do?

Well, he wouldn't be standing in line for this film.

How could you, the Laurence Olivier of the airways, be here in Brooklyn?

Why would anyone want to be here in Brooklyn if they didn't have to be?

You're right. I'm leaving.

No. No, really.

What are you doing here?

I'm not really here.

I'm one of the top ten imaginary friends kids have, just behind John Travolta,

Reggie Jackson, and Farrah Fawcett Majors.

So are you here to get me into the movie?

Have you read the reviews?

Listen, kid.

At your age, it's time you started solving your own problems.

Later, when you're older, they'll get a therapist.

So you're saying I should engage my advanced for a 12-year-old intellect and

use logic?

Logic is the other guy's shtick, but yes.

Thank you, sir.

Of course, that's it.

Even a blue Meridian bathroom Reagan 5 could see this.

My mom gets off of work on Friday at 4 o'clock, and then at 4.30 she goes to

Brooklyn Savings Bank to cash in her check.

Yes!

I thought you were supposed to go to that movie, that Star Trek movie.

Oh, Mom, how many times do I have to tell you? Track is what a train runs on,

okay? Trek is what the Enterprise goes on, okay?

Yeah, and they say the pain of childbirth ends with labor. Mom, you do

not understand.

If we don't go now, I'll miss the opening of the motion picture.

This can't happen, Mom.

Please.

You're my only hope.

So let's go.

A homo? What does my uniform have to do with my sexual preference?

Douchebag!

I think I ought to tell you that that Aryan youth, he's going to kick you into

oblivion. But what about in Arena, when Kirk fought the Gorn?

That giant lizard monster was three times as big as him. My boy, that was a

TV show.

I used a stunt double.

I always use a stunt double.

Except in love scenes, I insist on doing those myself.

Well, what would you do to avoid a fight?

I wouldn't dress like a geek.

Gold is not your color.

Think earth tones.

didn't actually start the fight. He didn't?

No.

Not exactly.

Not exactly?

Who threw the first punch? You don't want to know.

I wouldn't have asked you if I didn't want to know.

Well, it was something he said.

What'd he say?

You really don't want to know. I really do want to know.

He said that Han Solo was cooler than Captain Kirk.

Kick the little fucker's ass.

anymore do you hear me do you maybe he did think wearing a starfleet uniform to

junior high was strange maybe he thinks i'm different but we're all teenagers

here we all want less homework to be more popular to play spin the bottle and

have it land on laura hofferman that's why we're here

I'm taking this back.

But you gave me that for Christmas.

Yeah, well, I know what it means to you, so I'm taking it back.

You can't take back a gift.

Watch me.

But I love you.

If you love me so goddamn much, then why didn't you lie to me about getting

another freelance check instead of just telling me that you pawned your

computer? Honey, I didn't want you to stress, okay? I pawned my computer so

that I could have enough money to go with you and your mother to Las Vegas.

Oh, that's not...

about money. Yes, but I have been totally honest with you about everything

else. How are you supposed to raise a family someday, huh?

What, are you going to pawn my computer too?

I will get another editing job.

How can you know the name of every episode of that fucking television show?

But you can't manage to pay a $16 gas bill.

Who cares? Who knows what season...

of the Martians debuted.

Methuselah.

What?

The episode was called Requiem for Methuselah.

Third season.

Debuted February 14th in 1969, Valentine's Day.

Now, can I please have...

The ornament back.

It really means a lot to me.

Please.

Goodbye, Robert.

You knew it was coming.

Why are you acting so surprised?

I'm shocked that she put up with your antics for as long as she did. And I

cannot believe that you jumped up on Mort Berg's desk during a pitch meeting.

That was my boss, man. What the hell were you thinking? I admit I was a

little overzealous. Who cares? It's too good an idea for a crappy studio like

Full Eclipse, anyway.

Frankly, though, I'm more interested in the stunning demise of the colony on

planet Trish.

Well, thank you for your support.

What'd you expect, Bartles? You spent the rent money on Amigo Almighty Ice's

action figure from 1974.

It was a bad call, Ripley. Bad call.

Why are you taking her side?

I'm not taking her side. I'm just saying you shouldn't be surprised, given the

facts at hand.

She stole the Enterprise, man.

What?

My Hallmark Classic Enterprise Christmas ornament.

Price guy's got it going for $400 these days.

That is rough.

What the hell with it? I got something that's going to cheer you up.

Wrath of Khan in 70mm as a midnight show on my birthday.

How cool is that?

Pretty fucking cool.

We still doing dinner?

Sure. As long as you're buying and we do not do Mexican again.

Been here ten minutes already. Nobody's brought us any chips yet. Dude, joy to

you. Peace and serenity. You are not of the body. Would you calm the fuck down?

Why? I express my feelings. I don't hold them in. That's why I don't need to

shrink, because I say what I feel when I'm feeling it. It's very liberating.

Well, sometimes it's rude, all right?

So you know what they got me editing now?

Beach Babe Bimbo Fiesta. Okay, it's not grand illusion.

At least you're working in your profession of choice, not slinging hash

at norms.

No, we would not like to try one of your delicious margaritas, but thank you so

much for asking.

He'll have an iced tea. I'll have a non-sparkling water.

We only have the type for the bubbles. Would that be okay?

No, that would not be okay. I want non-sparkling water.

Go easy on her, man.

She's a hot little spicy salsa number.

Maybe you should forget about women.

Concentrate instead on...

Saving a little money first. You know, it helps when dating to be able to pick

up the check once in a while. I don't mean pick it up off the table, put it

back down, turn it into a paper airplane, make a little hat out of it.

Jesus, man, what's eating you anyway?

I mean, there's going to be other pitch meetings, for Christ's sake. I'll tell

you what's eating me, beach blanket bimbo fiesta boy. I'm turning 30 in

three weeks.

Ah, the fiery ritual of carousel.

Perhaps you'll be renewed.

We'll see if you're laughing in six months when your palm is blinking red.

So, uh, how is everything?

Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?

Is that Mac lipstick that you're wearing?

Prescriptive. Should have known.

Mm-hmm.

A nice try, though.

If you hadn't tried it on my roommate last week at Bar Momo, I might have

bought it.

Did I call her?

Mm-mm.

You're losing it.

A year ago, you'd already be redacting the kitchen scene for nine and a half

weeks.

Of course, my own sex life's more like... Eight and a half weeks.

Fellini meets psycho. Scary.

Oh, that's quite a dire assessment of the situation, wouldn't you say? The

only thing I've had close to resembling sex in the last few months is moaning,

girl. She's this chick who keeps phoning my answering machine and faking orgasm.

I tried to star a

69er, but nobody picked up. What about that actress that you were seeing?

Bethany? Yeah. Please.

She made Forrest Gump look like a candidate for Mensa.

I don't know. I just... I thought at this point in my life, I'd be further

along, you know?

I guess I'm just feeling an overall sense of... ennui.

It's a good word.

Makes me want to go home and watch my Antonioni disc.

But you know what? This is a bit too much psychoanalysis for one day. Can we

talk about me now, please?

Absolutely. Look, I'm just... I'm feeling like I... Hold on.

Waitress!

Check, please.

complaining about. You're not going to be 30 for another six months. Yeah, but

I still feel like Bill Gates after the Dow Jones just dropped 500 points, man.

My relationship with Tricia was a huge investment for me and a future which

just totally bottomed out.

So it's back to a series of meaningless trysts, collecting women the way you do

action figures? Okay, listen to me. I can't help the fact that the only thing

that interests me more than motion pictures is the fairer sex, okay? I love

women. I love everything about them. I love...

their inner secrets, their desires. I love sharing with them, you know? I

mean, I'm sorry, but you can only do that through experience.

Does that justify what happened to your car?

Do you love me, Robert?

After that, how could I not?

Show me.

Okay, um, just keep an eye on the road, okay?

Left a little.

No, dear, to the left.

God, you're right where you should be.

All right, not one of my finer moments.

But she did come, though.

I'm so relieved.

Apparently she was, too.

Listen, when I'm with a woman, I know that I'm going to climax.

I mean, it's not even an issue.

You know, all guys come.

I'm more interested in participating in my partner's orgasm. You know, women

become very, very spiritual before orgasms.

Oh, my God.

Besides, as I was led to believe, ladies first.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Right, that's exactly what they say.

I don't believe it.

It's Bill.

Okay, just be cool. Don't stare. He'll go blind.

And he's perusing porno.

All right.

I got to go over there and talk to him, man. What do you... No.

All around the world, from as far off as the Caspian Sea, people have been

running up to Bill and acting like idiots. Why must you be one of them?

Because now it's my turn.

I mean, don't you want to go over there and talk to him and see what he's like?

I mean, William Shatner made us who we are today.

Do you want to insult the man? Just respect the space.

I do respect the space.

It's the final frontier.

Just be dignified.

You know, don't do anything stupid.

All right.

Calm, cool, and collected. We'll make a big scene.

Oh, good. I've been looking for... Mein Kampf.

Sir, I just... Mr. Shatner, I would like to say that I think you are the greatest

American actor ever.

I'm a Canadian.

Well, then...

May I just say that you are the greatest Canadian actor ever.

There aren't that many of them.

Well, if I may, sir, just say that I have a tremendous amount of respect for

your work as a writer, a director, a thespian, and an entrepreneur.

Listen, we don't want an autograph or anything like that. I was just wondering

what brings you here.

I'm trying to find something to read.

You buy books?

Otherwise, it'd be shoplifting.

Listen, I'm sorry. We were just wondering if maybe we could buy you a

drink or something. I mean, we're really not the usual kooky fans. No.

Right.

We just... We couldn't help but sense that there's something wrong. Are you

perturbed about something?

Yes, I am.

If it'll stop you from following me around, I'm having trouble

with the story I'm writing, okay?

I sense that. That's the worst. I get the same thing myself.

Are you a writer?

Yes, actually. No, are you really? Is that block the worst thing? Absolutely.

We just can't do anything.

We're actually both industry professionals. Yeah, I work over at

Fully Clips. Really? Yeah. Are you a higher-up, a big muckety-muck? Well, I

mean, I just directed a little thing that's called Beach Bay Bimbo. I know.

I was over there this morning pitching my latest opus, Brady Killer, and...

Looks like it's going to be a go. Oh, congratulations.

That's great.

That's great.

I've got an idea, you know.

It's a musical version of Julius Caesar.

I want to do the complete text, like Brannock did with him.

I've got it all worked out, man.

Won't that be a little long?

There'll be three intermissions.

Who do you see starring in?

Well, I'll play Julius Caesar.

And all the other parts, too.

I'll play Cassius with a beard, and Lucius

with a long robe, and Trebonius a hat, and a full suit of armor for Mark

Antony.

So you're going to play all of the roles yourself?

Well, I can't play Calpurnia.

I thought we'd get Sharon Stone for that.

She actually could be a little difficult to get.

And we'll get Heather Locklear.

I know Heather. She'd be great.

If you play both Caesar and Brutus, won't you have to stab yourself in the

back?

I've done it before.

Can't you just see him?

William Shakespeare.

And? William Shatner.

Juicy.

Listen, can we, uh, can we get you another drink?

No, no, no, no.

One's better.

I gotta go.

Um, listen, Bill, call me.

I might be able to help you with this. I, uh... I know people.

Could I get your card?

Yeah, sure.

Okay, uh, your business card, then.

Well, I mean, um... Friends.

Romans.

Countrymen.

lend me your money.

A musical Julius Caesar is quite possibly the worst idea I've heard since

New Coke.

Jesus Christ, no kidding.

My girlfriend bails on me, and then I find out the man I idolized since I was

two turns out to be a raving loon.

I can't believe my life.

You usually can't believe your life either.

But Shatner's dementia is no reason to give up the gospel of the original

series. Okay, the man that we just met is not the man who invented the

Corbomite Maneuver.

Or the man who almost died defeating the Doomsday Machine.

Let it go.

Separate the art from the artist. This is L.A. Nobody's ever who they appear to

be.

Other than John Tesh, who's probably exactly who he appears to be.

No, no, no, I'm sorry. Shatner is, was, and ever shall be Kirk to me.

And I need my hero.

What you need is a bank account.

Oh, yeah, like you weren't basking in his presence.

I know people.

You're as transparent as Wonder Woman's invisible jet.

Lead with wardrobe, girl.

First heading?

Captain's discretion.

CRU first. Gentlemen?

Acceptable. Yeah, okay, but don't let me spend too much money there, because I've

got to get that remastered It's a Wonderful Life. And that Aliens box set

that I keep putting off buying? God, I wish they had one for the third one. I

love that movie.

You're the only one.

I hear there's a remastered THX of Rosemary's Baby.

You lie!

On Sony Alpha 5, that was life, a fair chance.

No, he's right. I read it on the Evolution website.

I love that movie.

Rosemary Woodhouse raped by the devil.

She had a coming up with a bitch put Woody through.

Dude, how can you even say that, knowing that Annie Hall beat Star Wars for Best

Picture in 1977?

Do not knock, Annie Hall.

Almost there.

Are we doing lunch first or after?

After. Okay, okay. It was just a question. No need to get hostile.

You know,

Robert, you're like George Orr in The Lays of Heaven. You're an effective

dreamer. You get pissed off, it rains.

Thanks, man. What'd you think of Christian Bride? Oh, I didn't listen to

it yet.

Dude, you did the same thing when I gave you Tales from Topographic Oceans.

That's that Rush album that you lent me?

Dude, it's yes!

Oh,

look at these kid action figures.

Makes me want to rock and roll all night.

Party every day.

Yeah.

At least they finally got rid of all that Prince Xizor stuff from Shadows of

the Empire.

It's Xizor.

Shut up, kid. You weren't even born when Star Wars came out.

You like Star Wars?

Yeah. How old are you?

Nine and a half.

Do you know what the problem is with you kids today? You guys think that all

science fiction started in 1977 with Star Wars. Man, what about movies like

Forbidden Planet, The Day the Earth Stood Still, Solaris? What about Logan's

Run? Did you ever see that?

No. It's probably some dumb sports movie anyway.

Sports movie?

Dude, Rollerball's a sports movie, man. When I was your age, Logan's Run was the

greatest movie that I ever saw.

It's the 23rd century. You got hot babes everywhere.

Life's great, but then when you turn 30, these special police, they come and they

hunt you down and they kill you.

Does this mean anything at all to you?

I like men in black.

Okay, come on, kid. We got some work to do.

He will talk to just about anybody, won't he? Yes, but it's rare that he

meets his intellectual equal.

She's our... Oh, no.

So what's on the dance card, ladies? It's a Saturday night. A little happy

hour? Not me, gentlemen. I'm going straight home to watch my diss. I got

the criterion put me swole.

Well, tonight, Sean and I are... Steppin' into Eden.

Yay, brother.

Mark, what about you?

Dinner with Darth and Boba?

Dinner, no.

Can't. Do tell.

Plans. What kind of plans?

No plan. I already... I don't have another friend of mine.

Translation.

Getting a little play from the Munchkin.

Do I want an explanation?

The Munchkin's his ex-girlfriend. He doesn't like talking about her.

Because she's so fucking annoyingly heinous. Oh, hardly. She's just a real

bitch.

I'm just trying to stay in practice. So, you know, I'm ready when my true love

comes to call me. I don't want to be one of those guys that has to order you can

laugh longer from the back of some stroke mag.

Like Dan.

Anyone gave me the number?

Hey.

Hey, Eric. How's it going? Hey there, Robert.

Is Sean around?

He's over there, I think. Cool. Thanks, man.

Wow, man.

That is a lot of work you got there, buddy.

Dude, I hung out with Bill Shatner right here last night.

The guy, like, shattered the last of my illusions.

Yeah, right, man.

Here you go.

Looks like you need that more than me. I can see my timely arrival wasn't a

moment too soon.

Shall we drink to Trisha?

L'chaim.

You know, I'm glad Trisha dispensed to your services.

You were so full of crap with her, man.

Honest, sincere, conscientious.

I knew you couldn't keep that shit up.

You just didn't like the fact that I didn't come out and play as much.

Sean, I really did love her.

You just liked her neatly trimmed pubes and honeydew breasts.

Look, you don't understand, man. I mean, the way she wanted me to be is not

unreasonable.

I'm almost 30 years old. I don't have a cent to my name.

You know, I mean, my TRW looks like Dresden after the bombing.

What do you need in your life?

is a Trixie.

Who's that?

That's Robert.

What?

All the girls in your life are these stable, honest,

unimaginative women.

Everything you're not.

But when the chips are down, do they come to your aid?

All right, so what's a Trixie?

Trixie. Speed racer's girlfriend.

Every time something happened to Speed, Trixie would hop in the Mach 5 while

Sprite owned that fucking monkey in the trunk, and she would go off and save his

sorry ass.

Yeah, but you know what? Speed was a squeaky clean example of goodness. He

deserved to be saved.

Jesus.

You make everything in your life sound so Wagnerian.

Look, you don't even know what Wagnerian means, man. You just heard it in that

Shriekback lyric, and you remember Duvall talking about it in Apocalypse

Now. Dude, it means overly dramatic.

Histrionic. I knew that.

Okay, dude.

Wagner was Hitler's favorite composer, okay? Best known for his Ring of the

Nibelung Cycle, culminating with his fourth opera, Goethe's Dameron.

You should know that, man.

Besides, it was in the pages of a Justice Society of America comic.

You're an asshole.

I take you out all the time. I drive your sorry ass all over town. I've

bought you so many cocktails, I can't even remember.

And this is how you pay me back?

You should pay more attention to your friends, though.

Besides, that GSA comic wasn't very good anyway.

The X-Men.

That's where it's at.

Right on.

Wolverine.

Rogue.

Uh-oh.

Nice dress.

Is that Mac lipstick that you're wearing?

What, are you an expert on lipsticks?

Actually, um...

Just a humble connoisseur of the intricacies of a woman's lips.

Can I get you anything else?

No.

So that is when I realized that everyone else in the class was getting the

answers to the test except me.

I just couldn't believe it.

It was just so unfair.

I thought about telling my professor about it, right? But I didn't think he'd

really care. And besides, the last time that I brought this up, Not only did he

tell me that I should go on Prozac, but he also said to me that, you know, he

wouldn't mind spending some time with me.

Hello? Mark?

Mark, are you listening to anything I'm saying?

Yes. No, you should definitely talk to the professor. It's not fair. What is

your problem tonight?

My problem? I don't have a problem.

You, on the other hand, are an insufferable, spoiled brat who can only

talk about herself.

I mean, the biggest joke is that you have more problems than anyone I know,

and yet you want to become a therapist.

What are you going to do, counsel people to kill themselves? Because that's what

I feel like doing after listening to you whine for an hour.

Is that what you really feel?

Yes, it is.

Now, if you don't mind, can we go back to your apartment and have sex, please?

Because I'm very tired and I've got a lot of work to do.

Looks like a really rich fourth grader lives here.

All right, look, don't give me any of that Peter Pan syndrome crap, okay?

Whatever, whatever.

I just don't get how you people are throwing all this make-believe stuff.

I mean, how can anybody take this seriously?

I don't mean that Dr. Spock guy with those pointy ears.

Come on, really.

It's Mr.

Spock, okay?

The doctor was the baby expert, Leela.

Whatever.

Look, I don't expect you to understand, okay? None of the women that I have ever

known have ever understood the gestalt of Star Trek. As a matter of fact, I

used to date this agent.

He was beautiful, very smart, New Yorker.

Trek actually ended our relationship.

So would you tell me again, please, why you're not inviting me to your agency

party? Because there will be nobody there who knows anything about Star

Trek. You're kidding me, right?

I'm easily one of the most well-rounded people that you know, Suzanne, okay?

I mean, all the people at your William Morris agency give a shit about us.

Who's in George Christie's Great Life column this week?

Okay, Mr.

Culturally Literate.

What's gerrymander mean?

to change the boundaries of legislative districts to favor one political party

over another.

Okay,

okay.

How about the Alvarez hypothesis?

All right.

You walked into this one.

That is the theory that states that the mass extinction of the dinosaurs was

caused by the impact of a large asteroid on the Earth 65 million years ago.

And the reason that I know that is because that is what almost happened in

the Paradise Syndrome when Kirk lost his memory and became an Indian god.

Robert, you're not going to the party.

Star Trek is just one of those guy things that I don't understand.

I gotta go the tote on this. It's a guy thing?

Yeah.

Like personal electronics.

Every guy I know is always bragging about the size of his speakers or his

computer RAM.

To be quite honest, I'm much more interested in the size of it. I hate the

fact that women do not give a shit how anything looks or sounds as long as they

can sing along to the lyrics.

All right, I'm sorry. I get a little carried away sometimes.

But you know what? I could say the exact same thing about women and their

obsession with their shoes.

That's a sexist comment.

Is it?

Yeah. How many pairs of shoes do you have in your closet?

I don't know. Uh, maybe, um... I'm sorry, I didn't hear that. What was

that?

Fifty-three.

Fifty-three? And you're calling me crazy?

I don't know.

Fifty-two, maybe? I'm not sure.

Whatever, Imelda, that's totally obscene. I got two pairs of sneakers, a

pair of docs, and a pair of boots. That's it.

I don't expect you to understand.

Of course, because it's totally ridiculous.

You can wear shoes. They're practical.

Oh, yeah, but can you wear 53 pairs? It's like women with a $30,000

engagement ring. What's wrong with that?

Oh, come on. You know, if it doesn't have anti-lock brakes and a passenger

side airbag, it's not worth $30,000. No, no. Now, an engagement ring is very

important.

It is the physical representation of how much a man cherishes and loves a woman.

Okay, well, what's wrong with the kiss? Or what's wrong with the $5,000 ring?

Oh, why don't you just get one out of the Cracker Jack box while you're at it?

Jeez.

Oh, listen, I need you to do me a favor.

Shit. You go answer the door. Tell the guy I'm not here.

Is it a cop?

No, no, no, no, no. It's my landlord.

Hal Pittman's his name. Just put this on and just tell him I'm away for the

weekend or something.

Another route?

Man, we could have won that. All right, we were only down by four baskets.

Dude, you had about as much chance of winning that game as Spike Lee has of

winning an off.

Once I was but a learner, now I am the master.

Only a master of foul shots, dog.

See you next week? Yeah.

Next week, same outcome.

How's the script coming? Good, actually. We closed the deal at UA for the

feature, but I'm kind of hoping that this thing with Angeline works out for

midseason. Hey, what's going on with Brady Killer?

Don't ask.

Maybe you can set me up with your agent.

Oh, yeah, maybe.

Got any other stuff you're working on?

No. Well, there's this thing I might be doing with Bill Shatner.

Sure, and Gillian Anderson will be cooking me dinner tonight.

Yeah.

So how does this thing show?

Oh.

Oh? That good, huh? Well, I mean, it's complicated.

Complicated how?

Complicated in that you got her pregnant or complicated in that she wanted sex

with you?

Be the latter.

Well, then I guess O pretty much sums it up. Yeah, we've entered the Mesozoic

let's just be friends epoch. I'm Dr. Leaky of you. This doesn't want to ruin

the friendship with sex.

Let me tell you something. If you're not good enough to have sex with, you're not

good enough to be friends with.

The greatest love of my life is a girl named Diane Eisenberg. Met her in

college. Knew this girl almost ten years.

Never so much as copped a feel.

Really?

Not like you not to get what you want. Well, maybe once or twice during a

massage, but that doesn't really count because even though a massage may be a

prelude to sex for a guy, you know what it is for a woman?

No. A massage, that's what it is.

Well, I think between me and Cheryl, things are different.

No, no different.

Now you sound like Yoda.

That's because it's the only way I can get your attention.

Besides, I am Yoda, and I'm telling you, forget about it.

You know, I'm glad we had this talk.

No, you're not. Not really, no, but I thought at least you'd feel better.

And Yoda only had five minutes of screen time in Jedi Mark before he died.

You say hello, I say goodbye. Leave a message.

Dude, pick up, man. Stop screening your fucking calls. What if I were Bill

Shatner? Just saying.

Sorry, that's where we're moaning, girl.

I just got dissed big time by a hot, spicy Irish number.

When HAL 9000 came.

Cruising by the pod bay door, looking for the rent money.

But I played small and I evaded his turbo lasers.

Want to see a movie?

What'd you have in mind?

Michael Mann, Double Bill to New Beverly, Ethan Manhunter.

Should I have a shower? Be there in an hour.

So who's this girl?

I picked her up in the Garden of Eden last night with Sean.

You know the type.

Actress, model.

Just got back from France.

Oh, of course.

Come on, man. You love actress, model. I will admit it's always nice to spend

time with someone more vain and egotistical than myself.

What are you doing, Mark?

Trying to kiss you.

Do you have a problem with that?

Really?

Given what your people did to my people during World War II, I'd consider a

little kissing and breast-wandering minor reparations at best.

Ow!

You're not vain.

Thanks, man.

Appreciate you saying that. You're just shallow.

You don't want to get into an emotional commitment because, well, after all, you

might get hurt.

You know, I can't stop thinking about Bill.

Remember when Kirk said men like us don't have families? Right.

Trek V.

The most underrated of all the features directed by the mighty Shatner himself.

Well, I thought he wasn't your hero anymore.

Well, the old ways are like John McClane. They die hard.

What's your point?

Well, think about it. I mean, as long as he had his ship and his crew, Kirk

always got by with just the occasional dalliance with some busty alien beauty.

Maybe that's my lot of life, you know?

Friendship and work.

I mean, I could live with that.

Couldn't I?

Hello, Sharon.

Did you get any of the Sandman hardcovers in yet?

I saved one just for you. Ah, smashing. You're the best.

Excuse me, but, um...

What exactly do you think you're doing?

What exactly do you mean?

That's my graphic novel.

Funny,

I don't see your name on it anyway.

No,

really. Yeah, really.

Okay, listen.

I need that hardcover. I know you... Probably think it would be really, like,

neat to buy it for your boyfriend or whatever, but the thing is, is, like,

I've been waiting for that. It's not for my boyfriend.

Okay.

Well, who is it for, then?

Well, not that it's any of your business, but it's for me.

For you?

No. Yeah.

Come on, you read Sandman?

Yep.

And I also read Astro City, Grendel, Cerebus, Bond, Preacher, Legion of

Superheroes, among others.

Do you have a problem with that?

No, it's just that you're, uh, you're, um... Uh, what?

Uh, girl.

How perceptive.

Well, you, you know, are kind of hard to miss, even if you weren't wearing a lime

green jumpsuit and standing alone in a comic book store.

I'm flattered, I'm sure.

Look, it's been really nice talking to you, but right now, I'm going to go pay

for this. Drive home, take a long, hot vanilla bath, and read this cover to

cover.

Wait, you can't go.

How about some company?

Well, unless you're talking about handing over some shares in Microsoft or

Disney, I'm not really into it.

I don't suppose it would mean anything to you to know that I have the Japanese

import box set of all five Planet of the Apes on LaserDisc letterboxed.

What about your home theater system?

Dolby Digital 5-track surround with a 40-inch screen.

Not bad. Subwoofer?

No, I live upstairs in a duplex, you know, neighbors.

I see.

I have Amigo Isis action figure.

Almighty Isis?

The very same.

Thank you so much.

Hope you enjoy your book.

I will.

Have a great day. Thanks.

Bye, Sharon.

Dude, you gotta loan me 60 bucks.

I'm not loaning you 60 bucks. I'm not even loaning you 6 bucks.

Look, I have to possess this back issue. I just met the most fantastic female.

Yeah, I saw her. Does she have an evil twin?

Okay, listen, now you know I would never ask to borrow any more money unless it

was really important.

Okay, she wrote her number down on it here.

So write the number on a fucking piece of paper and put the comic back. I

can't. I have to possess this comic. This is a memento of the moment.

It means that much to me.

I'm an idiot. Oh, dude, you are the best.

But now you've got to drive me home.

What about the movies? Listen, I've got them both on Laserdisc anyway. I'll loan

them to you.

I've got to go home. I've got to call Claire.

Your service has been interrupted.

Hello?

Hello, Claire?

Hi, this is Robert, the guy from the comic book store.

What's it been, an hour and a half?

Where are you? It sounds noisy.

On my apartment. I live on a busy street, and I got a window open.

Can I meet you for lunch?

You want to meet me?

Well, I would pick you up, but this is L.A., and if we meet in a public place

and you think I'm a total freak, then you could just have your girlfriend pay

you with a bogus excuse, and you could bail in complete safety.

Well, that's very clever and thoughtful.

All right.

You just earned yourself the opportunity to buy me lunch.

You believe that?

$60 so he could buy the chick's phone number. Of course.

He's Rob.

And have you heard from him since?

Not since yesterday when he borrowed money to take her to lunch. They're

supposed to see each other again today.

Oh, maybe she's like Catherine Tramiel in Basic Instinct, you know? One day

she's just going to plunge an ice pick into his nose.

He'd probably enjoy that.

Killed by a naked blonde who doesn't wear underwear to the strains of a Jerry

Goldsmith score.

Come to think of it, I'd sort of dig that myself.

Fucking irresponsible, you know?

And I don't even know why you hang out with her.

Because we both love the winds of war.

Another Revion and the check. Another one and you are going to float away.

But it is good for the prostate, which at your age you should be concerned

about. So I will be happy to get you another one. Never mind.

I love her.

So ask her out.

No, I couldn't. Why not? She's not really a natural purple, you know. Girls

like her get asked out all the time. You know, it's sleazy.

I wouldn't have suggested it if I didn't think it was a possibility.

You have a pen?

A pen?

Why? Well, I was going to write my phone number on the check.

It's romantic.

I'll just leave an engagement ring with a valet while you're at it.

I wouldn't think we have it so easy, you know? I'm supposed to walk up to them

and get their phone number. But do they understand what happens to us when they

say no?

I don't know about you, but I can dwell on that no for weeks.

Hi. Uh,

here's the check.

Wrote my phone number on it just in case you ever feel like, uh...

You know, docking up my moon base some evening.

Very thoughtful.

Thanks.

I'm leaving orbit now.

Buck.

Hmm.

What's that hmm mean?

Just that.

Hmm.

Maybe she's a lesbian.

That's the spirit.

After you asked the waitress out and she said no, the next words out of your

mouth must always be, maybe she's a lesbian.

I'm proud of you, man. Really.

You've taken your first step into a larger world.

Just you try using our beach to stage an invasion of the Earth.

No, no, no, we can't cut there because the bouncing boobs don't match when we

go to the close-up.

Hey.

Claire, this is Schwager.

Schwager, this is Claire. Hello.

Is it true you like tombs of the blind dead?

Especially the flesh vaccine.

When the Knights Templar sacrifice a virgin and they drink her blood.

Daniel Schweiger. Pleased to meet you.

I envy you, man.

Schweiger, we got a skedaddle. You finish up for me, okay?

Bob. Bob!

We're on deadline. I need the Amadeus of editing in here.

Okay.

Are you sure you're not going to get in trouble by leaving work early like this?

Nah, I don't do it all the time.

I just had to know.

We're getting some fun out of life.

When we want to work, we work.

When we want to play, we play.

In our happy setting, we're getting some

fun out of life.

Maybe we do wrong, spending each day winding

our way along.

But when we want to sing, we sing.

When we want to dance, we dance.

You can do your petting with gutting.

Enter!

Sean, I thought you were the cleaning crew.

You'd be wrong.

What are you doing?

Working on the new issue.

Surprised to see you here on a Friday night.

Why's that?

Well, for one thing, I don't have a wet bar in my office, so there must be

another pressing reason for your visit.

We have to talk about Robert.

How much does he owe you?

Too much. Way too much.

But it's this Claire thing.

Really?

Why don't you sit down?

Um, this Claire thing, can you be more specific?

I don't like her.

Why not?

Sit down, man.

She's not right for him, man.

She demands way too much of his time, don't you think?

Won't you please sit down?

It's just that I haven't... I mean, we don't really, uh, see him anymore.

That's right. Yeah, you've noticed.

It's true. Since they started going out, these...

Turned into Claude Raine.

It's Friday night.

I got nobody to go clubbing with.

What do you suggest be done about this story's state of affairs?

Can you talk to him? I mean, can you tell him that she's not right for him,

that he's making a mistake?

I can try, but it's going to be a tough sell, man. I mean, for one thing, she

spends a lot less time on her hair than you do.

That's cute.

I called him the other day.

You know what he was doing?

He was cooking.

Cooking, man.

Like, with a pan and fire.

Veal chops.

Fucking veal chops.

He told me that he couldn't talk to me because he was too busy dicing onions

and tomatoes.

No, man, I can't.

Now, after I whip up this meal, Claire and I are going to watch through a

window.

No, man. I don't think so. Definitely not.

Dude, I'm making her dinner.

I am.

What the hell is wrong with him?

I know Trisha Rosa clubbed him, but... I didn't expect this.

Robert was dicing tomatoes?

He hates tomatoes.

We have to put an end to this before it's too late.

Field chops, you say?

And... He won't listen to me. He thinks I only want him around to party with.

And he'd be right.

Well, yeah.

But you, you're the respectable one. He'll listen to you. Yeah, the gas

mining business is really starting to pay off. This is serious, Mark.

He hasn't mentioned anything to you about, say,

marriage, has he?

Cat's in a bag and a bag's in a river.

Don't be a two-time loser, Sidney.

The penalty could be severe.

We did it!

We got hitched. We went to Vegas.

We wanted you to be the first to know.

Oh, by the way, I was wondering if I could borrow a little bit of cash for

the honeymoon.

Okay, I'm convinced.

We'll stop this.

The line must be drawn here and no further.

I'm relieved to hear you say that.

So, cocktails?

Can't do it, Sally.

Come on. Drop of the truth for old time's sake.

No.

Bill Shatner's dropping by to discuss this project we're working on.

Sure, Mark.

Oh, I better get out of here before he beams in.

As for Robert, we're going to be toasting at his bachelor party. Which,

by the way, you'll be shelling out the gelt for.

Damn it!

Bob, can you think about something other than trim all the time?

Bob, below, Mort's going to kill us if we don't finish this.

I almost forgot.

Jesus Christ, Parker.

For me?

What is it? I can't believe it.

I just dropped $2,000 of my life savings to join Great Encounters. I mean, and I

have to come here, and I have to watch him with one girl after the other. I

mean, this is too much if he wasn't late already.

You know...

I'm going to lose my job.

I'm very touched. This is very cute, and I'm getting really sick. Now, can you

please get your ass over here, Bob?

For your information, it didn't be me.

A parachute.

You heard that, did you? What, were you skulking around the corner?

I wasn't skulking.

I was hiding.

I didn't want him to see me.

Quite frankly, I'm a little embarrassed.

That was a private conversation.

Hey.

You invited me, remember?

Your friend Robert seems to have found himself a perfect woman.

You should be happy for him.

Oh, really?

You're one to talk. In this side of paradise, when Spock got infected by the

spores and fell in love with Lila Colomi, he was happy, too. But Kirk

fought him, made him resist, turned him back into a cold, logical, unemotional

bore because Kirk couldn't deal with losing his ship.

Or... At least having Nimoy score a better piece of ass than him. I mean,

you could have left him alone to go on farming and fucking on Omicron SETI 3,

but you didn't, did you?

What's Omicron SETI 3?

Never mind.

Can I sit down? Knock yourself out.

You know, I wish you'd stop treating me like some space-age John F. Kennedy

Lothario.

You may not believe this, but I'm just getting over a terrible breakup with

a... A long-time lady love. Some woman had the audacity to leave you? I can't

believe that. Doesn't she understand who you are? I mean, the captain doesn't

lose a woman unless she gets run over by a truck.

Yeah.

That's a city on the edge of forever.

No, I mean, I really love this girl.

And she left me. How can that be?

I don't know.

I mean, you're you.

Right. You're a living legend.

Thanks. Mark.

I've been giving this a great deal of thought.

And I think I should write the music as well.

That's great, Bill. Hey, maybe you're better off without this woman. Now

you're free to concentrate on the work.

When's our meeting with Full Eclipse?

Because I've got a great xylophone player and a great bongo player for the

story pitch meeting.

And they're great, man. And I am ready, and I am raring to go. I've got the

perfect token.

No one will ever believe this.

Toga.

No, I like it. It could... Well,

both the doom has finally arrived to address his people.

So how did it go?

That went great. Mort loved the catch. We saved the film.

Except you weren't here, Bob.

I tried calling your house, and your phone was still disconnected.

Okay, I'm sorry, man. I'm waiting for my next check.

Well, what's up with the long faces?

Mort wants to see you, Bob.

He told me to send you in when you got here, which was supposed to be two hours

ago. I don't know, dude. I'm sorry. Bob, Bob, Bob.

This time, I really don't want to hear it.

You, uh, wanted to see me, sir? Yeah.

You're fired.

I'm... Wait a minute. You can't fire me. I just did.

But I thought you liked the film, Mort. Sir?

Beach Babe Bimbo Fiesta will be a great success.

Schweiger did a hell of a job.

You, on the other hand... We're never here.

But I supervised the assembly. I mean, Mort, sir, those were all of my editing

decisions. Your work has always been top-notch, but you think it's beneath

you.

Not everything can be Jurassic Park, kid.

And if I'm paying you, cutting home movies with my daughter Lily taking a

poop is worth your fucking time.

I understand.

I promise you, this is not a discussion or a negotiation. Get your stuff out of

the edit bay and turn your key card into Charlie.

Mort, listen, I mean, you're making a big mistake here. I mean, you're never

going to find an editor of my caliber who... Kids like you come in 12-packs in

the city. I'll find some Fangoria hound who's so hungry he'll make this company

his life's ambition.

I am hungry, Mort! I'm starving!

My rent's due! My power bill is due! My phone's still disconnected!

Not my bummer.

Take me to small claims, kid.

I like you.

But like the Don said, it ain't personal, it's business.

I've had some music.

Anyone listen to you?

Um... I don't have any electricity.

What do you mean?

I mean that I've been... fired from full eclipse and DWP turned off

my power.

You're kidding.

I know, it's awful, isn't it? How am I supposed to watch my laser discs?

Well, I'm sure you're not going to have any problem finding a new job.

You can always do some temp work.

Work in a video store or as an assistant editor.

Claire, I'm not going to... You know, I mean, I've wanted to make films my

entire life. I'm not going to just take some side job that I did ten years ago.

I mean, that's beneath me.

To help you survive until you find something else.

It's not beneath you. It's responsible.

Come on.

I'll take whatever dilithium is left in the Matrix chamber and I'll buy you some

dinner.

Do you ever stop and wonder what's really out there?

Ever since I was six, I saw close encounters for the first time.

I was looking at National Geographic the other day, and I came across this

picture taken from the Hubble telescope.

And by focusing its lens on a speck of space the size of a grain of sand, it

was able to photograph thousands of galaxies, and each one containing

billions of stars.

I mean, the enormity of the universe is just simply beyond comprehension.

It squashes a man's ego.

Which makes living up to your potential that much more important, Robert.

Robert, listen to me.

What?

I just don't know about us.

Well, what's not to know?

I just don't want to end up like my mother did.

Look, if this is an issue of money, Claire, there are lots of jobs for a

talented film editor. No, this is not about money, Robert.

This is an issue of security.

What are you trying to say, Claire?

I'm saying...

And when I come home, I need to know that when I hit the light switch, I'm

not going to have to pray to God to let there be light.

These are minor inconveniences, Claire. I mean, what's really important is

following our dreams.

I mean, think of how much you and I have in common.

But there are things that I need from a man and things that I don't know if you

can give me.

Like what, a $30,000 engagement ring? Oh, come on, Robert. You should know me

better than that.

I don't know. Maybe we've just gone too fast. Maybe we just need to slow down

and just think about this.

So what exactly are you saying then, Claire?

I'm saying...

that I can't be with a guy who lets his electricity go out so he can buy a

special edition laser disc of Dawn of the Dead.

But you love Dawn of the Dead. A relationship is about what we both want.

You and I should come before laser discs and Enterprise Christmas ornaments.

Whatever.

Where are you going?

Seems like I'm going nowhere.

Don't you dare quote Star Wars to me. You can't get away with that shit with

me. You know, maybe you should start living in the present instead of in the

24th century.

I would never live in the 24th century. I fucking hate the next generation.

Only the original series. Only classic.

Why am I here?

Isn't that a little deeply philosophical for four o'clock in the morning?

No, really.

Claire dumped me.

Well, not as bad as my college roommate who broke up with his girlfriend when he

had his dick up her ass.

That's a little more information than I usually need to take someone's order.

What do you have?

I'll have a turkey melt on rye with steak fries and a side of barbecue

sauce. And can I also get a chocolate shake, too, please?

Sure. How apropos. Chocolate shake. Jesus, you are upset.

Listen, I'm going to have an order of chocolate chip pancakes and get me a

Jerry's crystal geyser, non-sparkling. No, I actually make it two bottles of

crystal geyser. That way I won't have to wait around if you're busy.

Well, it is four in the morning, and why don't I go to the spring and bottle it

myself? Whatever makes you happy. Just don't forget to bring a straw.

What was I saying?

Right,

Robert, there's a lot of women out there, other women that...

But maybe if you just got a job, you know, Claire would take you back. I

know, maybe. But I don't know if I want her back. I mean, if she's not going to

stick with me through the worst of times, do I really want her there for

the best of times?

I mean, is she really my Trixie?

You're pathetic.

How's the munchkin? Okay, take it back.

Look, man, we have got to do something to take our minds off of this. My mind

is not on this.

Why don't we make a movie?

That's what we've always wanted to do. That is the dream, right?

Why don't you help me with Brady Killer?

I'm having trouble with the third act where Cindy gets killed by an exploding

lava lamp.

Don't you have any other projects that we could work on?

No, but, you know, I think, Brady, if I could just... It's a stupid idea, okay?

Hey, don't get attitudinal with me.

I do have other projects, yes, and excuse me, where is dinner?

There was a fight in the kitchen.

What does that mean, a fight in the kitchen?

It means there was a...

Fight in the kitchen.

But how do you have a fight in the kitchen? What, there's too much salt in

it? No, there isn't. Yes, there is. That's ridiculous.

Hey, I just bring you the food. I don't cook it. I know, but really.

Hopefully, it'll be ready shortly.

It better be, Flavius. It will do a special on you.

What's wrong?

Oh, my.

What should I do? Should I go talk to her? No, no, ignore her.

I can't.

Who's that guy she's with? I have to know.

It's obviously her new boyfriend. They've had a night of incredible sex

and worked up an appetite.

Note the look of satisfaction on her face. She's positively glowing.

You know, you're a good friend.

I'm just being honest.

He looks like an agent. You think?

He's got CAA Young Turk written all over him.

God, she looks great. Yeah, I noticed.

I have to have her back.

Well, she's with Ira the agent from the lower circles of hell. No, not that

traitorous, disloyal, enterprise-dealing ex-beauty queen. I'm talking about

Claire, man.

Oh, now you want Claire back. Yes, I do. I really, really do.

You were really a piece of work.

You know, maybe if you just finished something that you started, just once,

for a change.

You know, all these girls that break up with you, they always tell you exactly

why they do it, but still you're always there going, why?

Why? I don't understand.

Bones, I don't want to be lectured, okay?

At least I can afford to buy dinner.

If I wasn't sliding you the green, you'd be out on the fucking sidewalk with a

sign saying, why lie?

I need a beer.

Hey, fuck you. Back off, okay?

No, fuck you.

No, I think after all the money I've given you, it's my prerogative as your

commanding officer.

You know what? You dictate terms on how to live life according to the gospel of

St. Mark, and you know what? It's getting a little fucking annoying.

You know what, Robert?

You're an asshole.

Well, I've heard that before, and in case you didn't hear it the first time,

fuck you!

Aw, are we having a lover's bat?

Robert.

Hi. Hello, Tricia.

Um, this is Brian.

Brian? This is Robert.

Oh, yeah, Robert.

The truckie, right?

Fuck you both.

I was thinking about this idea, and I decided if we can't get Sharon Stone for

Calpurnia, that Julia Roberts would be...

You

know what the problem is?

I tell you, it's all of this bloodless...

Silicon-injected direct-to-video bullshit. I mean, whatever happened to

the truly subversive exploitation films, man? I mean, even Scream, which by far

had the greatest collection of breasts in any modern horror film, but not even

one.

You know what I mean? I mean, that just sucks.

That just sucks.

You know, Bob, it's nice to be hanging out with you again.

Dude, I don't know, man. I'm feeling really guilty about this. Oh, shut up.

Even Kirk never had a threesome.

That's just because they couldn't show it on network television.

Why, you weren't thinking like that 30 minutes ago.

Are you going to tell me you actually care about this woman, Sean?

I did.

Where are you going to go at 5 o'clock in the morning, bro? Are you going to go

to the unemployment office?

Don't go.

I make great omelets.

I'm ready for this.

I haven't talked to him in like a week.

I mean, don't you think you should call me? Oh, come on. You know Rob. He's not

going to do that.

Besides, who knows what trouble he's gotten himself into now.

You think I should call him?

Well, you did say he owes you a couple grand.

I mean, there's no point in cutting him off before you recoup your losses.

Good point. Thanks, I know. You are such an asshole, Mark. Come on, let's play

some b-ball, man. Hey, give me a minute, will you? You want me to have a

coronary? I'm almost 30, you know. That's when the body starts to go.

How can we forget? You remind us every 12 seconds.

Green is people.

Pour me another, will you, Dick?

I'll have a grasshopper.

Wow.

It's, uh... It's you.

I do believe it's me.

Well, what... What are you doing here?

Well, if everything goes according to plan, I'll consume large quantities of

liquor.

Last time we were here, I didn't get to the opening number of Julius Caesar.

Look, let me buy you a drink, okay?

Thanks. Can you spot me on this one? Rob, cash only until you pay your tab.

This is really embarrassing.

Let me buy you a drink.

Rob, Robert, Bob, what do you prefer? Robert is fine, yeah. The opening number

has a beat to it.

It's incomparable, man.

So... If you don't mind me asking, what are you doing here anyway? I mean, if

you wanted some privacy, obviously you could have just stayed at home and

drank. No, that's called alcoholism.

Oh.

Alcoholism is underrated.

In the last week, I've been shit-canned by my boss.

My best friend's not talking to me. I'm flat broke.

Oh, and another girl of my dreams just left me.

Well, at least you have your health, right?

The evil men do will live after you.

Don't cry, Caesar. Dick, can I get another?

Six ball in the pocket.

Sorry.

A lot of practice.

You know, if I, uh... If I wasn't so hammered, I probably

wouldn't be saying this to you, but...

What you don't understand is how much you have inspired us. I mean, you are

our hero.

Linus Pauling is a hero, and Chuck Yeager and Lincoln, they're heroes.

Well, right, because Lincoln saved your life on the planet Excalibur. But in

your performance of Kirk, I mean, I saw everything that I, as a man...

should aspire to be. Now, you can deny it, but you had to have some of those

qualities in yourself to portray them so accurately and perfectly on the screen.

Well, people are people, Rob.

Everybody expects actors to be like the characters they play, not like who they

really are. Well, I'm just glad that we could share this color of money moment

together, Mr. Shatner.

Call me Bill. My friends call me Bill.

Really? Yeah.

Like Leonard?

Yeah, like Leonard. All right? You happy?

Now rack him up before I use your head for a cue ball.

Hey, TJ.

Yo, man, yo. Yo, that's going to go far, bro, man. What's up, hooker?

What's up, baby?

I see you, hooker. How you doing, man? Hey.

How are you?

What's your name? I'm Rated R. Rated R? Yeah, look, man. Look, look, look. Show

me that.

That's better.

Nice to see you, guys.

Not everyone, don't you?

No, no, not everyone.

There's a hole in my life.

My... I'm minus a woman.

What do you mean?

My lady friend.

She left me.

She couldn't understand my obsession with the musical Julius Caesar.

She never realized that all I ever wanted was an audience of one. So she's

gone.

Well, Bill, you got to admit, it is a little goofy.

I know that.

I know a musical version of Julius Caesar is ridiculous.

Am I playing all the parts?

It's absurd. It's the height of hubris.

And six hours?

Who's going to sit for that?

All right, look, don't give up on women just yet, all right?

Look over there.

I think Marlena's giving you the eye.

Oh, she's pretty.

I know.

Don't look, don't look.

And she digs you, man. I mean, did you see the way that she was peeping you? I

mean, and she likes to have fun just like you do.

You think she likes the musical theater?

It wouldn't surprise me.

Oh, man, she would be perfect.

Don't look, don't look.

Why? She looks like somebody I, you know, that I could... Yeah, absolutely.

Hey,

listen, man, the cowards die many times before their deaths. The valiant never

taste of death but once. That's the spirit.

You go for it, okay?

All right, I'm even going to help you out.

It'll be like Cyrano.

The fair Roxanne.

She is beautiful, therefore to be wooed. She is a woman, therefore to be won.

Whatever.

What a jerk.

He's not a jerk. I am a jerk.

You're an asshole.

He's not an asshole. I'm an asshole.

Good to see you.

My homies, hey.

Take those boots, man. Thanks for having me.

That's all right, Dick.

Hi.

Hello. Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello.

Right, got that part.

It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance.

Uh-huh.

Worlds may change.

galaxies disintegrate, but a woman is always a woman.

How nice.

Can I buy you a drink or two?

No, that's all right. This is my establishment. I own all the drinks.

And all the glasses, too, I imagine.

Well, perhaps you'd like to buy me a drink instead.

No, not particularly.

You're a tough cookie, huh? I really have to go. But cookies crumble, and

those crumbs can be mighty tasty.

Oops.

Um, perhaps your son could get you a cab.

See, I told you.

Women don't see me the way you see me. I am not their captain.

I'm their punching bag. What were you thinking, Bill? You should have...

complimented her on her eyes, or you talk about her lipstick. You don't

slobber on her hand.

You can call me Mr. Shatner now.

It's my last day.

I'm a runner.

Run, runner!

Get away

from me! It's too

late for renewal, Mark.

You're 30.

Your life is over. You know it and I know it.

Run, please.

For Christ's sake.

We're the only ones who even remember Logan's run. There is no sanctuary.

I'm sorry, we're closed for another hour.

Uh, we're looking for Claire. She works here, right? Yeah, she does, but I don't

think I can let you in because we're not open yet.

It's okay.

Hey, come on in.

Come on in.

Well,

this is a surprise.

So what can I do for you both?

We came to talk to you about Robert.

Yeah, uh, ever since you two broke up.

He's been really fucked up. Right.

He really loves you. I mean, a lot.

At first, we really... We really could have cared less.

But I came to realize you two have something special, and it'd be a shame

to ruin that.

I'm sorry, but I'm not interested in reconciliation.

Why not?

I can't understand.

But Robert's a decent guy.

I mean, despite his penchant for Wagnerian theatrics.

Very impressive use of the word Wagnerian.

Do you wish... Brett never loved Scarlett?

Rick didn't have Ilta? Or Harry never loved Sally?

Someone once said it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved

at all.

Succeed or fail, we must.

Make the attempt. It's our nature.

Now, if it were up to me, as it usually is, I would order this.

But it's not.

Because Claire is right in pointing out the enormous danger potential

in any relationship with a man as intelligent but fantastically flaky as

Robert. But I must point out the possibility.

The potential for true love and happiness are equally great.

Risk.

Risk is our business.

That's what relationships are all about.

That's why we're out there.

every time.

Coffee?

While you're making a big production, I'm just asking you to let me in. I'm

the one that paid the rent.

I know, I know, I know.

It's legal. It's legal. Trust me, I'm a lawyer.

How'd you get in here?

Robert, it's me, Hal Pittman.

Oh, I don't want you here.

I just paid your rent, your power bill, and your phone bill.

You owe me another $1,500, so the least you could do is talk to me.

Well, nobody asked you to do that.

I know, Robert, but you know what today is?

Today is last day.

I don't care.

Look at this place.

Yeah, Claire's right.

When you go and get tough, you really can't handle it. You know, you've never

been in love.

You've never even been in like. We're not talking about me, Robert. We're

talking about you.

When Kirk lost Edith Keeler, did he curl up into a little ball with a flask of

sorry and brandy? No.

He hailed his ship. He said, let's get the hell out of here.

The next week, his brother Sam died at the hands of neural parasites in

Operation Annihilate.

Not a great month, right? Did that stop him from boldly going?

And I bet you don't even remember what happened the next week. They were off

for the summer hiatus before they began filming. The next episode was a muck

time. Kirk fought his best friend to the death.

Of course, McCoy faked Kirk's death so that Spock would snap out of his plaque

tau, his blood fever, his wild, insane emotional fixation over a woman that,

let us recall, was not worth his love in the first place.

I am fully aware of the plot of a mock time, thank you very much. I mean, what

are you saying here? Are you saying that I am Spock in this scenario?

Yes, you are.

And Claire is Tupring. And me, well... Of course, I'm Kirk. But, you know, it's

actually... It's very Freudian when you think about it. Are you gonna fucking

psychoanalyze me?

Holy shit, man! You can kiss my ass, okay? You know what? You have got a

solution to everybody else's problems but your own. Well, that's because I

don't have problems, Robert, okay? I'm perfect.

You're scared of intimacy.

You're scared of losing control of your feelings. That's why you date these

women who think that Chekhov's Three Sisters is a fucking Star Trek novel,

man. No, no, you're not Kirk.

You're Spock. And you just don't want to admit it to yourself.

What? Hi, Robert.

Nice to see your phone's back on. Did Mark pay your bill?

Listen, I need a five-letter Star Wars planet.

A five-letter Star Wars planet?

And or.

Oh.

Thanks, Robert. I knew you were good for something.

I am not.

Fuck. You don't feel.

You're all logic.

The fact is you don't want to have to deal with another Diane Applebaum.

Eisenberg. Whatever.

See, you joke about it, but the fact is you are not willing to give up what she

represents to you, which is a failure to get what you want. Because for you, sex

is all about power.

Who will let you have them? And for me, sex is an amusement park.

Just like riding the roller coaster, baby. Yeah, I think you're taking this a

little too far. Then why haven't you ever allowed yourself to fall in love,

huh?

You have never allowed yourself to ever fall in love. And now that you're 30,

now you're scared of being alone.

You've achieved absolutely everything you've ever wanted in life, but now you

fear the empty void.

Now you fear the zone of darkness that lies ahead. Spare me the expert witness

testimony, all right?

That's it, isn't it?

scared of being alone you are fucking scared to death that you will achieve

absolutely everything you've ever wanted in life but because you're so fucking

selfish you will not have anyone to share it with that's it isn't it maybe

you're right i know i'm right because that's exactly how i feel

You still going to Wrath of Khan?

Well, if it isn't the happiest married couple I know, the Nick and Nora Charles

of sci-fi, Harry and Gabrielle. Well, I don't know. There were a few moments

this afternoon with the old in-laws where we weren't quite so happily

married.

Okay, so Robert and I were having this conversation the other day about which

actresses in all of cinematic history we would most like to have sex with. That's

easy.

Donna Reed. Donna Reed?

Dude. No, I don't know. I mean, I got pretty hot and bothered when she was

naked in the bushes, and it's a wonderful life.

Grace Kelly, Rear Window.

Catherine Deneuve, Belle du Jour.

Tonya Roberts, The Beastmaster.

It's a toss-up between Rita Hayworth in Gilda and Pam Greer in Black Mama, White

Mama.

Black Mama, White Mama? Dude, pure heat.

Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct.

You do want to get run through with a nice pick.

Tracy Lord.

What movie?

Her early work. If Daphne from Scooby-Doo were real, I'd show her what

doggie style really means. Let's not forget Linda Harrison as Nova in Planet

of the Apes. She is the perfect woman.

Really? Why?

Gorgeous, scantily clad, mute. Listen, guys, we better get going. It's almost

11.30. Almost time for...

I've never been thrown out of a movie before in my life. And that was my

birthday movie. You know? It's the only thing that I've had to look forward to.

Ah, fuck it, man. You're supposed to get liquored up at a midnight show. Yeah,

but you're not supposed to spill it all over the usher. And why is it you always

think that stupid pickup line of yours is gonna work?

Dude, it looked like Mac to me. It was dark.

How was I supposed to know it was Lancome?

Well, what do you suggest we do now that Hieronymus Boy Genius from the past has

gotten us thrown out of the movie?

Watch it on disc?

Ooh, only if you have the pan and scan version.

Jesus, Gab.

What?

I'm sorry.

Gentlemen, ladies, listen, I do not believe in the no-win scenario.

I say turn death into a fighting chance for life.

What the fuck does that mean?

Let's go back to Garden of Eden for the last call.

I have a better idea.

Come with me if you want to live.

Schweiger.

Welcome home, Bob.

I missed you.

This is your fighting chance for life?

What are we doing in full eclipse? Are we making freaks?

One of us.

One of us.

Listen,

I am not going to take being jettisoned from my former place of employment like

some broken down droid fleeing in an escape pod. What?

Well, if you think I'm going to spend my birthday as part of some elaborate

revenge scheme, you can bite me.

Don't make me smash

I don't know what to say. And you thought that I would intentionally get

us thrown out of con.

Shame on you.

I knew it was Lancome the whole time. I don't believe it.

And that is why you failed.

How long have you been planning this? When did you plan? Weeks ago.

It just took us a very circuitous route to get here.

Ladies and gentlemen, fellow Mark supporters, if you'll follow me to the

West Wing, we have a surprise for you, sir. Well, this is cute. Happy birthday,

Mark.

No, no.

Hi. Yeah.

Come on. Throw off the glasses.

Let it go, baby.

You're 30 now. It's over.

What? You dance with her.

She's a hot, spicy Kermit the Frog number.

Good. I'm glad you feel better.

Oh, my God. Whoa.

Am I cool?

What are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to be at home working on

the script.

Wait a minute.

Script? What script?

That's not important. Robert tells me you're depressed because of your 30th

birthday.

Robert tells you?

What are you even talking to Bill? I thought you were my friend. Your friend?

Why would Bill want to kick it with you, man? All you ever do is work, and if you

do go out, you just sit in the corner with one of them little fruity-fruity

drinks. And besides, did you tell him that you don't even like any of the

third season episodes?

That is not, Bill, that is not true.

Day of the Dove, The Empath. Besides, at least I can afford to hang out with

Bill. I mean, compared to you, I can afford to run the Enterprise. You

couldn't pay for a single dilithium crystal.

I could.

Guys, you've got to mix a little reality in with your imagination to achieve

happiness in your life. And you've got to overcome your programming, which in

your case is a 30-year-old television show.

I mean, come on.

Let me tell you a story.

I was jogging one evening around my neighborhood and I came across a house

on fire.

And the crowd had gathered and the fire engines hadn't come yet. And the crowd

all turned to me and said, look, there's Captain Kirk. And this guy came running

over and turned out to be the father. And he said, Captain Kirk, Captain Kirk,

my child's in the burning building.

Please, you've got to save my kid. Please go.

So what was I going to do, argue with him?

I was Captain Kirk.

So I found myself running into the burning building.

Now I'm looking for the kid. And it's the fire and the smoke and the heat. And

I got down on my hands and knees because I had seen Rescue 911.

And I was crawling around in the dark. And the smoke is in my lungs. I'm

coughing. I can't see it. And I'm calling kid. Where are you, kid? No kid.

Kid's not answering. I'm calling kid. Kid. Kid. No kid.

And I'm dying. I mean, the flames are...

Burning me out, so I gotta get out of there. So I'm coughing and hacking, the

masonry's falling all around me, and I back out, and I get outside.

And there I see the kid, playing on the lawn.

Kid had jumped out of the window, father had caught him. He's playing on the

grass, the father's fine, he's playing on the grass, the crowd is playing on

the grass. The crowd all turn around, looking at me, that's Captain Kirk

they're all laughing at.

I felt like such an idiot.

Then I realized...

I'm not Captain Kirk. I'm not a hero. I didn't have the kid.

I felt absolutely ridiculous.

But I had to drink.

Oh, my.

There's that lady from the bar the other night. Oh, yeah, Morlina.

She just came to pay respects to her...

Two best customers. Looks like she's leaving, Bill. If you were going to talk

to her, there would be no better time than the present. You think she'd hit me

again? Nah, you're a lot more sober this time.

Look, just go over there and talk to her. What are you guys talking about?

It's a long story. Look, just remember what I told you and go and talk to her.

What would I say?

What would you say? Look, Bill, just be yourself, okay?

She couldn't hate you any more than your co-stars.

I shouldn't have said that last thing.

Excuse us.

What do you want?

Nothing breakable around here, huh?

Well, that's probably a good thing.

Um... Do you, um...

Are you... Yes?

Are you wearing MAC lipstick?

Yes.

How did you know that?

Oh, because I'm a great fan of women's lips.

I'm sure you are, Mr. Shatner. I'm not really a jerk, you know.

I'm just terribly misunderstood. A lot of great men are.

And how do you propose to convince me of that?

Do you dance?

Well, yes.

I mean, but there's no music.

Fuck!

See?

Mine ear is much enamored of thy note, so is my eye enthralled to thy shape,

and thy fair virtue's force, perforce, doth move

me.

Ooh, I love that.

I thought you might.

You know, I know

William Shatner really well. Do you know that? You know why he's such a great

captain? Because he's Jewish.

Because like Gentiles, man, they don't cut it in Starship Captains, man. When

you're traveling at faster than light speeds, the feeling is so

incredible, much like the feeling I have

right now being here with you.

But you know where Star Trek came from? It came from Voyage to the Bottom of the

Sea. It's like Irwin Allen.

Irwin Allen was God. Irwin Allen did everything. Somebody saw Voyage to the

Bottom of the Sea and said, let's take the water out and put the sub up in the

sky, and that's Star Trek.

That Star Trek's a big rip-off.

I gotta say, I think you're better than Brady Killer. Oh, forget Brady Killer.

It's a stupid idea. I know that.

I'm glad. It's stupid.

Seven brides for seven brothers.

Now, that needs exploration.

Brady, the whole Brady thing is done.

I mean, you know what the nice thing about that? There's 14 of them. No,

that's... Seven brides, seven brothers. Robert. Dude, great party.

But, uh, where are all your friends of color?

Erwin Allen did everything first. You see Titanic?

Did you see it?

Anybody, anybody can flip a ship over in three hours at the end of the movie.

Erwin Allen did it in Poseidon Adventure at the beginning of the movie, man, with

Shelley Winters on board. Now, that's hard. No.

What now?

What now what?

Come on. You only turned 31.

What do you want to do?

Nothing personal, but I don't even drink tap water.

So if you think I'm going to have sex with a hooker, you're sadly mistaken.

Is that what you think I am? You think I'm a hooker?

Or do you prefer a theme party entertainer? I'm a grad student. I just

moved here from Seattle. I did this as a favor to Robert.

Yeah, I thought, sure, okay, I'll paint myself green and come to your party.

You know what? This is really stupid because I don't have to defend myself to

you.

Anyway, I'm not the one with the green girl sex fantasy.

You care to join me in correcting a little oversight from the other night?

Nah, man, you go ahead. I may need to drive Mark home later, so... I don't

think he's going home anytime in the near future, man.

Seems to be doing pretty good with your little green friend over there. That's

because you're sexist, misogynistic, and narcissistic. You are. And I think we

just met.

Hold on a second, I...

We got off to a bad start. What is your name?

Why?

Why?

Laura Hoffman.

Look, I'm sorry.

You're right. I was unfair to you.

I was being an elitist, egotistical asshole.

It was not the first time. Believe me.

I trust you.

Yeah.

I'd like it if you...

Stuck around. I enjoy talking to you.

And for what it's worth, Laura is one of my favorite movies.

32 years, man. And the only bush I've seen has been in my front yard.

Gotta help me, Bob.

Dan, what do you want me to say?

Look, man, just be yourself.

Be myself?

I am myself.

You cold?

Yeah.

I'm freezing.

That is one of the biggest problems with women. They're always cold.

Oh, that's the biggest problem, huh?

Okay, maybe I should do my thesis on your brilliant supposition, Socrates.

It could just be that I'm wearing practically nothing.

Actually, from where I'm standing, you're a little overdressed.

I'm sorry, that was stupid. I'm kidding. That was extremely Robert's thing to say

here. Thank you. I'll try not to get any pain on it. You better not. You know how

expensive it is to clean corduroy?

That was a joke, too. It's not expensive.

You okay now?

Yeah.

Thanks.

You know, I saw this photo taken from the Hubble telescope once.

Oh, my God.

Claire, what are you doing here?

Can't you believe I was just passing by and saw this really cool party going on?

I, um... I didn't think I was ever going to... Robert, I have been miserable

without you.

Okay, you listen to me.

I want you to understand, okay, that I am completely willing... Wait a minute,

what did you just say?

Robert, I love waking up with you in the morning, and I love going to sleep with

you at night.

I love the fact that you are a grown man who isn't afraid to have a space 1999

lunchbox in your room.

I do believe in you.

And I know that you're not going to turn out like my parents.

I mean, they never took any risks, and you...

For whatever reason, we'll risk everything to follow your dreams.

I want us to be together.

Okay. I don't know why I'm about to ask this, but are you sure that this is

really what you want?

I was going to call you earlier,

but... I knew you had Mike's surprise party and I just wanted you to be here

for him.

Claire, you have no idea how much I love you right now.

And it has nothing to do with how aroused I am either.

Here, with you, I feel inner light

shining much like the stars above.

And it... Makes me feel like screaming out loud, I'm Captain Kirk!

I'm Captain Kirk!

Then who the hell is that?

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears. I come to bury Caesar, not to

praise him.

No tears, take tears, take tears for Caesar.

The evil that men do lives after.

The good is often turd with their bones, so let it be with Caesar.

The noble Brutus hath told you Caesar was ambitious.

If it were so, it was a grievous fault, and grievously hath Caesar answered it.

Here under leave of Brutus and the rest, for Brutus is an honorable man, so are

they all, all honorable men.

No tears for Caesar.

Let's take that five-fold leap. The evil that you do will come

back to you in the season.

The evil that you think that you

might make you will come to you everywhere in the eyes of Mars.

You all did see that on the looper call I thrice presented him a kingly crown,

which he did thrice refuse.

Sing it, Bill.

Sing it, Bill. Brutus says he was gracious, and sure he is an honorable

man.

I speak not to disprove what Brutus spoke, but here I am to speak what I do

know. You all did love him once, not without cause.

What cause withholds you then to mourn for him?

Don't judge my power. I pledge to Brutus peace, and men have lost their reason.

Bear with me.

My heart is in the coffin there with Caesar, and I must pause till it comes

back to me.

This was the man.

This was the man. This was the man. This was the man.

This was the man.

Let's flip the dogs of war.

War!

Wait, cut, cut, cut. No, no, no. No, this is not how it happened.

How'd it happen?

Well, excuse me. Guys, excuse me. I'm sorry, Robert. Come on, man. You're

killing me right now. Dan, I gotta get this shot here. Robert, we talked about

this. Okay, we just gotta get it right and then we're moving. All right.

I've been on hold for ten minutes.

Ten minutes.

Mark, Mark, I gotta walk away, man. I'll be right back. One minute, Dan.

Hey, Einstein, Einstein, non-sparkling, huh?

Right?

Crystal Geyser, Evian. Have you ever read the fucking script?

Yeah, it's sparkling.

Mark. Mark.

Give the kid a break, okay? And don't be an asshole.

I thought that's what you loved about me. I don't love you. No.

I tolerate you. Books for me.

How does it feel to be reliving your childhood, man?

What else is new?

They need Mr. Shatner.

You hear that genius? Go on, get Shatner.

He's in his trailer.

Really? He's in his trailer?

Don't get him! What's the matter with you?

I'll get him.

Um, sir?

Um, the director needs you. They want you for filming.

Mr. Shatner?

Hello, are you in there?

Spread them. No, wider.

You have to spread them.

I'm sorry. They want you over there for filming.

Wider, wider.

Spread wider.

Spread them.

Thank you.