Original subtitles

Don't look away.

JOANNA CHORTLES

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

Don't put that on telly!

Oo-ar!

I might just do this all day.

Argh!

This is weird! Ha.

It's so tight.

THEY EXCLAIM

CHEERING, APPLAUSE

TYPEWRITER DINGS

Welcome. Welcome.

Welcome to Taskmaster,

a study in human behaviour

that has Charles Darwin turning in his grave.

How can five comedians achieve so much in one field

and yet prove to have not even basic cognitive function in another?

Will we see them physically change during the process?

Joel Dommett with a beak?

Amy Gledhill with one giant hand?

Nanjiani, Iannucci and Page flying a room like bats?

Oh, Dr Frankenstein,

what have we done?!

LAUGHTER

Please welcome...

...Amy Gledhill...

...Armando Iannucci...

...Joanna Page,

Joel Dommett,

and Kumail Nanjiani.

And next to me, a man who told me in private,

he thinks that all the Lycra-clad cyclists in his town

are, to a man,

sexual predators.

HIGH-PITCH: It's little Alex Horne!

It's unnatural. Hello!

Hi. What have you got for the opening chat?

I'm so exhausted, Greg.

Oh, God, so tired.

I'm trying to break into the world of desserts,

and you know hundreds and thousands?

Oh, God. Yeah.

Go on. Well, I've tried to get my own version of them.

I've got something called "ones and tens."

So, you... LAUGHTER

You get up to ten in a jar.

No-one's buying them. OK, I've run out of things.

AMY LAUGHS

OK, let's get on with the prize task, please.

Okey dokey, of course.

And this time, they've been told by you to bring in

their most embarrassing possession.

Ooh. Yeah.

Mine is my sports car - it's so fast!

LAUGHTER

You're going to award five points to the person you think

has brought in their most embarrassing possession

and then all five possessions will go home with the winner,

which doesn't sound like a great prize, as usual.

Hey, Joanna, what have you brought?

I've brought in my snake plunger

to unblock a toilet.

When I first met my husband,

I went to Bradford to meet my mother-in-law for the first time.

I spent the day there and I didn't go to the toilet at all

because I wanted to be so perfect that I didn't poo,

so I saved it until the evening.

Everybody was in bed, I went to the toilet,

but there was a carpet in the toilet

and no lock on the door.

I went in and I went to the toilet.

I flushed the chain and there was, like, loads of...

Loads of poo and loads of toilet paper.

I flushed the chain, the whole thing rose up to the top.

I'd never experienced that before,

so I didn't know that you should

wait for it to go back down. Mm!

So it was all the way up to the top,

and I just thought, "Oh, well, just flush it again."

I flushed it again. AUDIENCE GROAN

Jesus Christ, it was awful.

LAUGHTER It just continued.

It went over the toilet seat.

Poo, paper, everything,

and water just flowing and flowing onto the carpet.

Apparently, I was screaming, and...

I was screaming because she just came in through the door.

And then she went, and she had a snake plunger.

And she went, because they'd had problems with the toilet,

and she was doing it with a snake plunger.

The dad came in, everybody was there, I was crying,

and that is why...

And then she gave me the snake plunger afterwards and said,

"Here you go, you can have it."

And it has been used since.

Aw. Yeah.

CHEERING, APPLAUSE

Wow!

Thank you for telling us about your horrific shit story.

Joel.

I have brought in

my teenage diary from 2004. GREG GASPS

Ooh. Here it is.

Alex, I think you've read some bits from it, I believe.

I've enjoyed a lot of it, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I've picked three dates that are my favourite.

You can have the 21st of June,

25th of June or the 23rd of July, Greg.

What would you like? One that he slightly winced at was the last one.

"Watched Royal Variety Performance tonight with..."

Let's call her Jessica.

"She's so grumpy sometimes!

"Laughed so much at some comedian.

"Would love to have the confidence to be a comedian.

"This pen is great!"

LAUGHTER

Aw!

Roller-coaster, isn't it?

Ironically, Joel, it's not that embarrassing.

You might score badly on this cos I just find it so adorable.

Yeah, but it's a bit embarrassing, though, isn't it?

Oh, yeah, it is.

Kumail.

So when I was about eight,

I got a blanket that I really, really loved.

It was exactly what I wanted, and I would sleep with it on my face.

When I was moving to America at 18,

I said, "I should bring this with me."

It's here.

Aw.

This is Papo.

And Papo was... I was going to say,

"It's not embarrassing, it's adorable,"

and then, suddenly, it had a name.

Yes.

SHE. Ooh.

Ooh.

And I still sleep with it.

So I need to win this episode... Yeah. ..so I can have Papo.

What happens if someone takes Papo away?

I don't think they're gonna want to keep Papo.

Of course they're not. I imagine, forgive me, Papo stinks.

Amy Gledhill, what is your embarrassing possession?

I've brought in a straw,

a drinking straw that I've kept from a date I went on. Ohh.

This is the drinking straw.

I've kept it for 20, more... So many years.

And it was a special date you went on?

It was the first date that I went on with a boy

that I lost my virginity to.

OK.

His name, and this is his own...

This is what he calls himself -

Dirty Joe.

Oh. Ohh! LAUGHTER

Ah, this is a really weird opening round.

Armando.

It's my grade one piano music certificate,

but please let me carry on.

Shall I show it now? There's the certificate.

This is what Armando brought in.

But I did this aged 40.

LAUGHTER

And...

APPLAUSE

...I couldn't play music, but I love music,

and my wife, for my 40th birthday, brought me a piano,

one of those electric that sounds like a, you know...

And I thought to make myself learn,

I'll sit grade one.

But nobody told me that you would sit it at someone's house.

And I turned up, and there was a little small kitchen area

at the back where I sat with the other candidates -

who were all five and six.

LAUGHTER

And then I was taken in.

And nobody told me that I would have to play it on a big grand piano

where the keys are completely different... A different way.

And I thought, "I could stop now.

"I could just leave the house."

You know, "I've won a BAFTA, that's enough.

"I don't... But, no, I'm going to carry on."

And I carried on.

I mean, it was, like, awful.

I passed by one,

and the comment at the bottom is,

"The candidate was able to hold

"the melody at the second attempt."

LAUGHTER

That is unbelievable. That's amazing!

CHEERING DROWNS OUT SPEECH

It is, "Most embarrassing possession wins,"

so I guess least embarrassing, one point.

All of them were brilliant.

I'm giving Armando and Amy two points. OK.

I'm giving three points to Kumail

because I find his little rag adorable.

I'm going to give four points to Joel,

but I think I'm going to give Joanna Page five points.

Full five points to Joanna Page! Well done, Joanna.

Can I have a challenging task, please, Alex?

Yes, you can, because you've been such a brave boy, Greg. Oh!

Hello!

Amy. Hi.

Looks like me.

I like this.

But also, you're a bit scared of it?

JOEL GASPS That's it.

Don't be scared, but there's a lion's head on the table. Oo-ah!

I don't like coming in here

cos there's always something evil, normally.

Oh, my God. Argh!

SHE SCREAMS

Right. ARMANDO CLEARS THROAT

"Be brave."

"Bravest..." I think I've already been bloody brave! Do you?

"Bravest wins.

"Your time starts now."

Is there a train station near here?

Brave... Are you scared of anything?

Uh... HE MURMURS

Unnecessary compromise.

What does Greg find scary?

He's not scared of many things.

Is he scared of, like, crisps?

No, I think he's definitely not scared of crisps. That's...

That's a real shame,

cos I could be so brave with crisps.

My first thought is a spider,

because it would take a lot of bravery

and I'm not prepared to go there.

I can't do anything with a spider.

I don't like heights.

God, I don't like worms at all.

I don't like singing in front of people.

I don't like creepy-crawlies.

I really don't like doing karaoke.

People are scared of public speaking.

That's the number one fear.

All right.

OK. I'll think of something.

OK. Thank you.

Do you want us to go or are you going to go?

I mean, is it an option that you guys all leave?

If you could take all your gear

and get the fuck out.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING, APPLAUSE

Joanna was the only one we scared with the lion's head. Mm! Mmm.

Yes, I do feel bad that she is the most scare-able,

but also, it was funny, wasn't it? It was funny.

Who shall we see first?

Well, we're going to start with all of the J's -

Joanna, Joel, and that's all of the J's.

Ha, ha-ha.

Hello. Hello. It is quite high.

OK.

OK. I'll go like that to brace myself. Yeah.

OK? So I... I'm scared of spiders.

Genuine fear of spiders. Mm-hm.

The bravest thing I could do is

have a spider on my face.

On your face? Well, I've got three spiders for you...

Ooh. ..for your face.

We'll start with spider number one. We'll move up in size.

I'm going to start singing, OK?

OK, I'll get my creepy-crawly ready.

Oh, God. I don't like this.

I just saw something.

Right, OK. Oh, God, I don't like it.

I can see what it is.

I'm gonna be a real brave boy.

LAUGHTER

You don't need to look at it.

Oh, it's so leggy!

Oh, my God, you're just gonna...

OK, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just relax. See if I can coax it out.

Just gonna pour the spider onto your face.

Here it comes.

AUDIENCE GASP

OK, just relax.

Is it... Is it on my face?

It's on the back of your head, yeah. Oh!

OK. OK. OK. OK! OK! OK!

AUDIENCE GIGGLE, GASP

I'm so brave.

Now, this guy is smaller, but more powerful.

Erm...

Oh, yeah. There he is, on my chest.

There's one on his thumb, one on the chest.

There he goes. Oh, yeah, to your ear.

Mm!

Up your eyes. Ooh, it's on your eyebrow now.

It's just nibbling your eyebrow.

Mm.

Let's go.

♪ My name is Jo... ♪

..and I don't like worms!

Oh, my God! Oh, God, I don't like it!

♪ But I'm prepared to go there if it is on my terms... ♪

Agh! Oh, God, I don't like it.

♪ I'm 48

♪ I'm doing this for my kids... ♪

Oh, my gosh. I... SHE SCREAMS

Oo-agh! I don't like it! Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

All right, that is now... I'm so sorry! ..four woodlice.

You don't want to do it? Sorry, I don't like it.

We'll put it away? Oh, my God. I'll put it back?

Oh, God! Let me see what it looks like!

I can't do it! I can't do it!

I can't breathe!

I don't like it! I can't do it!

We're OK, thank you. Yeah, we're all right.

SHE LAUGHS

APPLAUSE

Wow. Oh!

So Joanna's attempt at being brave

resulted in a golfer thinking that Alex had murdered her.

I love that also, if someone thinks

that someone's being murdered across a hedge,

all you've got to do is go,

"Yeah, yeah, it's fine." Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then just walk away.

"No murders here!"

On that note, no spiders were harmed in this at all.

They were just from the garden. They went back to the garden.

Everything's fine. Ah, very good. Yes.

Joanna had worms in her... It was two worms.

I don't mind worms if I can look at them

and it's under my terms.

I don't think you were very brave because you bailed.

The thing is, being brave isn't about always succeeding. Mm.

Being brave is about having a go,

and there's nothing wrong with failing.

I mean, being brave...

Oh, fuck off! CHEERING

You've come to the wrong place.

LAUGHTER

But being brave, right, is about trying.

I'm not fucking Oprah. Shut up.

I'll tell you what scares me... Mm.

...seeing a man in his 40s call himself "a real brave boy."

I was scared cos I've never had a spider on my face before.

It was a brave start, but that was a very brave response.

You're a very brave boy... Thank you.

...in your 40s. OK, who's next?

Next, she's got a stellar middle name.

Yes, it's Amy Stella Gledhill.

I'm going to be brave, Alex.

I'm going to sing earnestly a song I've written...

...that's also confessions of things that I have done in my life

that I feel embarrassed about.

Well, this sounds dreadful.

Yeah.

Good luck.

♪ I once thought I saw a ghost

♪ But it was a mouse in a carrier bag

♪ I once weed myself at the coast

♪ I was sick in my friend's bum bag

♪ Of these things, I am ashamed

♪ Singing of them makes me brave

♪ But the thing that scares me most

Is the ocean, deep and dangerous

♪ Water wet and water cold

♪ To face these fears, I must be bo... ♪

SHE COUGHS

# Bo... ♪

SHE COUGHS

♪ ..old. ♪

Ooh.

This is potentially your finest hour.

How many of those things did you...? All true.

Did you throw up in a friend's bum bag? Yeah.

On a bus to university in Leeds -

we'd been out the night before.

And I'd filled up,

you know a Subway carrier bag?

Like, the long, thin ones? Bleugh!

That I'd done, and then I was like,

"There's more, there's more."

And she was like, "Oo-er," and I was like, "Ble-ugh!"

LAUGHTER

Are you scared of water?

I'm scared of cold water... Ah.

...because I feel like, what if it makes your heart stop?

Aw. Mm. And you took a bucket in the face?

Yeah, she did tell me to do that,

but I'm slightly ashamed that I was smiling while doing it.

I'm so sorry.

Time for a break.

Alex has asked me if he can stare into the camera

as it moves towards him slowly,

as a tribute to his wife.

LAUGHTER

Finished?

We'll see you in a minute.

Hello.

Welcome back to the start of part two,

where our cast are being brave.

But also surprisingly nimble.

Watch this. It is Armando Iannucci's turn.

Hello. Thank you for coming.

I hate dancing. I can't dance.

My worst fear is being made to dance in public,

which is what I'm going to do now,

knowing that this will also go out on national television.

Right, hit it.

DANCE MUSIC STARTS

AUDIENCE CHEER

Cut it!

OK. Really bad.

Wow. Yeah.

CHEERING, APPLAUSE

My feeling is you genuinely are horrified by the idea...

I'm horrified.

And I've hated it... Always hated it when,

like, at weddings, when somebody goes,

"Come and do a dance! Come on!"

And I go, "No, I hate da..." "No, come on!"

And I resolved when I hit 60, which I did last year,

that if that happens again,

I will just tell them not to touch me

and I will phone the police.

LAUGHTER

I just...

Any wedding I'm at and I'm asked to dance,

I'm just going to say, to the bride's mother,

"Fuck off."

Who's next? It's Kumail Nanjiani.

Emmanuel, thank you so much

for picking me to be your best man.

Giving a best man speech at a wedding,

that's people's number one fear,

so that's pretty brave of me to do that.

But there's something I need to tell you.

I'm having sex with the bride.

Admitting you're fucking the bride the day of her wedding,

that's pretty brave.

But, Greg, you may be thinking,

"You're a stand-up comedian,

"public speaking, it's not really that brave."

Well, I'm about to do something

that's the bravest thing I've ever done.

This is for real.

This is my computer,

and I am going to let Alex look at my internet history.

He can look at whatever he wants, he can go wherever he wants.

I'm genuinely shaking.

And you haven't deleted your history?

I swear I have not deleted anything.

Why not?

OK, I'm going to, "Most viewed."

So it's number three.

KUMAIL GUFFAWS

Well, it's been a stressful month, Alex.

You're pretty keen that it's HD.

Well, I like to make out everything.

It's high definition.

"Free mature women."

Last seven days.

Well, the last seven days, I've been in a hotel room with my wife,

so it's actually fairly...

Didn't stop you.

Still doing Wordle.

KUMAIL CHUCKLES

You've Googled yourself a lot. Well...

"Kumail, Ghostbusters, watch porn, blue sky."

Oh...

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

So the whole wedding thing was a red herring?

Yeah.

I'm genuinely speechless.

I was shocked enough that you're still doing Wordle!

LAUGHTER

And then - what was the order? It was porn...

Yeah, then self-Googling...

Porn, self-Googling?

...cricket stats, back to the porn.

That's why his arms are so big!

LAUGHTER

Both of them? Both? Both of them!

It was all real. I didn't delete anything.

I cannot believe I did that.

Do you have to put that in the show?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah!

We're gonna have to score.

I feel like I've been a bit harsh on you, Joanna... Mm.

...because I do think that you were very brave up to a point.

Joanna, two points.

Amy can have three points.

Joel can have four points.

Armando can also have four points

because I believe that he hates dancing and he looked uncomfortable.

This is true. But I saw that man shaking like a leaf.

Kumail gets five points. Very good. There, I've done it.

Five points to Kumail. Scoreboard, please.

Well, joint leader at the moment, the guys on the end.

Joel and Kumail on eight points.

Very good.

What's next, Alex?

Well, it's time to go nuts! GREG GASPS

Armando. Alex.

I never get that right. No.

I just... Yeah. You're the worst at that.

Am I? Good. Good.

How is it... That was the worst.

...getting harder?

You are moving those around.

You are. There's no way.

Every time, it's a...

...struggle.

It's very cool.

Task complete? Oh, no.

Right. Open this? Go ahead?

Oh, that was so cool!

It's a coconut with a face on it.

Hello.

Hi. Oh, hello, Mr Coconut.

That's not his name.

Why would his name...?

Is your name Mr Human?

What is his name? Mr Dickhead?

His name's Mr Dickhead.

"Win...

"..co-con... Coconkers.

"Win coconkers."

Coconkers? Perfect.

"Coconkers is conkers with coconuts."

"Win cock-un-kers.

"Co-cun-kers. Co-cun-kaz."

"You can prepare your..."

"Co-cun-ker. Cock-un-ker.

"Co-cun-ker however you like,

"as long as it still looks like a cock-un-ker."

So that's coconut and conker.

Co-cun... Co-cun-ker.

"You have a maximum of 20 minutes."

"Your time starts now."

Have you played conkers before? Yeah.

Have you played coconkers before? Never. Right.

When you last played, did you treat your conker in any way?

No. No, I'm from Glasgow.

We didn't play conkers. We didn't play conkers.

All right. I'll bring some stuff. OK.

Mr Dickhead's staying, is he? Yes.

What's the game called, Joanna?

Uh...

Cock-un-kers? Cock-un-kers. Cock-un-kers. Yeah.

Well, it seemed the natural way to say it.

Cock-un-kers. Cock-un-kers.

It's what Kumail does in his hotel room when his wife's at the gym.

OK, well, let's see all of them creating their coconker monsters.

Am I'm going attack or defence?

Am I going bubble wrap or am I going Sir Kill-a-Lot?

So I think I'm doing a mixture of offence and defence.

Offence, defence.

Right, I'm soaking it in vinegar.

Right. Giving it a good soak.

This coconker is going to be

jacked to the nines.

PVA glue. Mm-hm.

There's nothing inside it.

There's nothing inside it!

Well, we'd already drilled a hole in it. Oh, really?

Well, there's a rope through it. Oh, yeah.

I'm looking for some form of concrete. Right.

I've got sand.

Right, that looks good.

Arguably, this could look like a conker with some hair.

Just gonna make this bigger.

In it goes.

So,

does that still look like a coconut?

That's up to you.

Is this legal practice in coconker...?

This is so legal.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

This will blow the rest of them out of the water.

Great.

I've got vinegar on my tie.

It's a sort of punk coconker.

What is that...? Coco... Coco-conker.

Cock-o-conker. Punk coco-conker.

A pi-coconut. A pi-coconker.

Ooh, dear me.

This is a medieval torture device, Isn't it?

Offence and defence.

Let's get that on.

I think it looks quite good.

Can I borrow some of your hair, please?

I'll do a small bit there because... Oh, gosh.

There we are. There.

You know what? I like it that you're on that.

Look at the horror, the destruction

that is Sir Conkononker.

OK, what's your coconut called?

Gluey.

HE LAUGHS

It looks like I've mistreated a guinea pig or something.

It's slightly worrying.

In it goes. OK, well, good luck in the tournament.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cash prize?

No. No? OK. No.

I'll still do it.

Didn't you say in the task

that they were supposed to still look like a coconut afterwards?

Mm. That was part of the ruling, yeah. Yeah.

Some people may have failed in that regard,

like, for example, you know,

the conker that is inside a metal cup with a hammer tied to it.

Well, you could see that it's a coconut.

You could see... If you look at it, you'd be like,

"Why is that coconut surrounded by so much crap?"

Yeah, and he wrote the word "coconut" on it as well.

And I wrote the word "coconut" on there. Ha-ha!

OK. What about the football with nails in it?

And a bit of hair. Yeah.

Wait, what's with all of you guys putting hair in it?

They're hairy. Cos coconuts are hairy.

Mm.

What was in yours? Why did you freeze it?

I froze it to get it hard.

On the internet, Joanna, it says,

"The easiest way to crack a coconut is to freeze it first."

JOANNA GASPS LAUGHTER

Ooh. Really?

Armando, it also says,

"Baking a coconut will make it crispy and easy to crack."

Oh, lovely. Right.

The coconker contest is soon to come, but for now,

have a little break while I top up Alex's data allowance.

Aw, thank you!

What the hell is bigbouncers.org?!

That's HIS phone.

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

Hello, everybody.

Welcome back from the adverts

and good luck if you entered the competition

to win that house by the coast.

Back here, we're doing much more important things,

aren't we, Alex? Oh, F yes. We're...

We're only about to watch

the world's biggest ever coconkers battle.

Good luck, everyone. Here we go.

Hello and welcome to the season...

...I mean series 21 coconkers championship.

Today, we have Joel Dommett

versus Armando Iannucci.

Well, Alex steps onto

the playing field in protective gear

that he absolutely doesn't need.

BELL DINGS

The first hit is uneventful.

Why do we have instant replays?

Who knows?

Nothing much is happening,

but yet, here we are.

Armando... BELL DINGS

...wrapping his coconut in metal,

really giving it an exoskeleton -

very smart.

Knocks a bit of Armando's coconut loose

but still in the game.

BELL DINGS

Third hit.

Oh!

And Joel's coconut is demolished.

A handy victory for Armando

as his Punk Coconker

absolutely decimates Gluey.

Next up, we have Joanna Page

versus Amy Gledhill.

Boy, Sir Conkononker looks threatening.

BELL DINGS Oh!

First hit is absolute destruction

on Guinea Pig,

but Guinea pig remains in the game.

BELL DINGS Next hit.

Guinea Pig does almost no damage

to Sir Conkononker.

Oh, ho-ho!

Sir Conkononker looking like an absolute favourite in this test.

BELL DINGS Third hit. Oh!

A huge upset as Sir Conkononker

absolutely separates from its string.

Perhaps its weight was too much.

Joanna Page wins.

And our final fight -

Kumail Nanjiani versus...

...Alex Horne?

Mr Dickhead versus Alex Horne -

who many call Mr Dickhead. BELL DINGS

Ooh, big hit.

And immediately, Alex's coconut breaks,

not completely, but certainly now vulnerable.

BELL DINGS

Kumail's strike absolutely crushes,

crushes,

crushes Alex's coconut.

Kumail Nanjiani wins.

As if there was any doubt.

Here's the standings so far.

And the finalists are...

Who will come out on top?

What will happen?

First up, Joanna Page versus Iannucci.

Oh! Oh!

Iannucci is out.

Next round, Guinea Pig versus Mr Dickhead.

Mr Dickhead loses his hammer.

Oh, this is tough,

but Mr Dickhead will still fight.

Ohh!

The final strike.

Mr Dickhead absolutely crushes

Guinea Pig.

Kumail Nanjiani wins!

In a victory for America.

Incredible. I will allow Mr Dickhead

because I could clearly see it was a coconut in there. Mm.

And he had labelled it "coconut..." OK. ..so I take back that criticism.

Look, I would never want...

Hey... Hey, I'm up for an argument.

If I wrote "Kumail Nanjiani" on me,

no-one's going, "Ah, that's Kumail Nanjiani."

They're going, "That's..." No, but if...

But if you do the accent, maybe, so let's see it.

That... That might help. Yeah.

But how much career will I lose?

"Dear diary, I was cancelled tonight."

Hey, the Guinea Pig held up well, didn't he?

Yes. Oh, my God, I can't believe it.

That, like, cement, Polyfilla thing was amazing. Yeah.

I'm sorry, but I was chuffed with that.

They all held out really well,

but there can be only one winner and there was. Yeah, so...

Ooh, hello. Hello.

Can I just say one tiny thing?

You may. All I'm saying is

the string had come out of my coco... Conkononker.

Your Conkononker, yes.

And the whole thing was on the ground.

Yes. But only on the ground because of the string,

but I didn't have anything to do with the string.

And the Conkononker...

No, but you did add all of the weight.

There is no way a football is heavier than a hammer,

so I'm blaming the string.

You may blame whatever you wish.

Well, look, in round one,

I guess my coconut was the quickest to go,

so I don't get any points again.

Joel, you didn't survive as long as Amy,

so it's one point to you. It's two to you, Amy.

And then in the final, Armando went first, three points to you.

Joanna next, four points,

but the winner was Kumail Nanjiani. Five points!

I'm keen for one more, please. Of course.

And if you like photos of celebrities

with things in their mouths, good for you.

You're gonna love this one.

No other stuff, huh? Just this?

Nothing?

BEEPING

SHUTTER CLICKS

How are you? I actually feel good, you know?

- Yeah? - All the better for seeing you. BEEPING

SHUTTER CLICKS - Ooh. - Oh!

BEEPING CONTINUES Oh, my God.

Something's happening. It's a photo.

Oh, my God.

"Appear in the most photos holding a different thing in your mouth,

"each thing bigger than the last thing."

"Only one of your things may be in the lab at any one time."

"The person who appears in the most photos

"holding a different thing in their mouth,

"each thing bigger than the last thing, wins."

"The camera will take a picture once every ten seconds for ten minutes

"and will start taking pictures in five minutes from now."

OK. Yeah? I think... I think so.

The camera will start taking pictures in 4 minutes 50 seconds.

That's the camera. BEEPING

It's going to take 60 pictures.

I'm used to that, Alex.

You know why? No.

I'm famous.

So we will now watch this, I will comment on it,

you will chat to me,

and none of us will say anything sexual

about you putting stuff in your mouths.

LAUGHTER

Good luck, everyone.

OK. Well, first to snap are Amy, Joanna and Kumail.

JOANNA LAUGHS

KUMAIL GROANS

How am I doing on time? How much do I have left?

OK, you're doing quite well on time.

You've got... Just tell me the number.

Right. Well, I'll tell the... Sorry, Kumail.

The next words out of your mouth better be a number!

Three... three minutes until the cameras...

Kumail? DOOR THUDS

OK.

Ah, I got a...

You've got a what? AMY MUMBLES RESPONSE

A salt. A salt.

I've got a nut. OK.

BEEPING

OK. What was it?

A clove. A clove.

Lovely picture.

Oh, God. It's like the beep test.

BEEPING

Did I make it? Yeah.

You think your phone's bigger than a banana?

Yes.

Easy.

A spoon. A bigger spoon.

A bigger spoon. An even bigger spoon.

Ah!

Bigger than that. I've gone pretty big.

BEEPING I've only got about two left.

Oh, dear.

Oh, my God. We're in the shit now.

BEEPING

Am I allowed to carry on? Did I miss...?

I missed the last one, didn't I?

I'm quite happy with that one.

A chicken.

A bigger chicken.

A bigger chicken, lovely. Ow.

Are you all right? Yeah.

I just punched myself in the face with a chicken!

OK, bigger than a chicken.

I think I've scaled up too quickly!

Fucked myself with the chicken, it was too big.

You fucked yourself with the chicken? Yeah.

Did you see that?

I held it in my mouth.

I held a chair in my mouth!

45 seconds.

This is gonna be tight!

What was that? Me.

Lovely. WHISTLE BLOWS

It's gonna take one more picture. This is the last one.

Oh.

BEEPING

WHISTLE BLOWS

You got bigger and bigger,

and holding you in your mouth was inspired,

but for me, you peaked at,

"An even bigger spoon."

Kumail, you've had some pretty big career highs.

Do any of them rank next to shouting out on television,

"Did you see it? I held a chair in my mouth"?

"Did you see it?"

It might be the thing I'm proudest of.

Joanna... Yes. ..you played an absolute blinder. Mm.

The only thing Joanna did wrong was she stopped when you missed a photo.

It didn't matter if you missed a photo. Mm.

It didn't say it had to be consecutive photos.

Oh, no! Really? Well, yes, but...

I could've carried on going?

Yeah.

Oh, that's shit!

I know.

Do you know what he said to me in private?

What? He said, "I don't like Welsh people."

LAUGHTER

It's the end of part three.

Soon someone will go home with a used straw from Amy Gledhill's ex

and Armando's grade one piano certificate.

It's the stuff dreams are made of.

Rubbish dreams!

See you in a minute.

Hello.

Thank you.

You join us back here for the final part of the show,

where there are some snap-happy competitors at play.

It's time for the final two.

We know that Joel loves a camera

and that Armando loves putting bigger and bigger things

in his mouth, so the competition is truly on.

How long?

It's going to take a picture in five seconds.

BEEPING

Hi, Joel. How long have I got left?

Oh, we started quite a while ago. Oh... Oh?

Like, a long time?

BEEPING You've got 8 minutes 25 left.

Bonjour.

Au revoir.

Clever.

Banane.

HEAVY BREATHING

Lovely.

Bigger than that is this.

Is that a bin? It's a bin, yeah.

You put a bin in your mouth. Yep.

ARMANDO GRUNTS No, won't do that.

ARMANDO SIGHS

It's too big. It won't go round the corridor.

SHARP SCRAPING

ARMANDO MUMBLES

Ah.

KLAXON HONKS

DING! This is so sweaty.

It's a sweaty little egg.

ARMANDO GROANS

You can't really get bigger than that... No.

...because you've got the house in your mouth.

Yes, got the house in my mouth. I mean, once...

BEEPING You can't go higher than house.

You did great,

and you both worked out something that Kumail didn't work out,

and that is that you didn't have to suspend the weight of the objects

from your jaw.

Well, I've not got much to say.

I just thought they did a pretty good job,

and Armando held a whole house in his mouth.

If you see someone biting a pillar, would you say,

"Why does that guy have a whole house in his mouth?"

I would, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, me too. Me too.

Well, look, I can tell you some numbers. Please.

In last place, with 12 things in his mouth,

it's Armando Iannucci. You get one point.

Kumail, You got 16 in the end. You get two points.

Joanna got 19 things in her mouth.

Despite missing several of the photos at the beginning,

Joel, you were pretty quick.

You got 26 things in your mouth.

But the winner, with 30 things in her wonderful mouth,

it's Amy Gledhill.

Five points!

All right, then.

Will you please make your way to the stage

for the final task of the show?

CHEERING

Whoa!

Oh, my lord!

Hi, there.

I'm back in my counting booth.

Cool, man. Second week in a row.

Who's gonna read the task out?

I think Kumail Nanjiani should read it.

Kumail. Ahem.

"Land beanbags on your opponent's faces.

"If your face is struck three times, you are eliminated.

"You may only throw one beanbag at a time,

"and you must throw from your spot.

"If you strike the Taskmaster's face,

"the Taskmaster will launch his own double-strength beanbag."

AUDIENCE GASP

"Last player standing wins."

Ready, Greg? Yes!

Ready, contestants?

Yes.

Begin the face vortex.

So it's Kumail... And off he goes.

Oo-ar! Armando, he has targeted you.

Remember that. OK.

I don't do anything, do I? No. Not yet. Yeah.

Joel. Ooh!

You're in play, Greg. Double-strength bag!

Remember, these are worth two lives. This could kill Armando.

Ah!

You hit your own face. You hit your own face.

Oh! Armando again.

Armando! They are all targeting Armando.

It's fine. Armando, if you hit your own face, you're out.

You hit your own face!

You hit your own face! Settle.

OK, Amy.

Absolutely wonderful.

Oh, no!

Kumail's back.

Ah. Ooh.

Greg again. You're back, Greg. GREG YELPS

Amy loses two lives. Aw.

Ah!

We have lost Armando Iannucci.

Oh, sorry, man. AUDIENCE GROAN

Aw.

You must go and sit on the elimination bench, please.

Armando Iannucci, everybody. There he is.

CHEERING

Joanna Page. OK.

You have all of your lives.

OK. Oh.

Ooh! Wow. Joel loses a life.

Kumail.

Who are you aiming for?

Armando Iannucci, already dead.

Was it something I said?

LAUGHTER

Oh! He struck his own face!

He's turned the gun on himself.

Ahh!

It's you again, Greg.

GREG YELPS

Oh, Joanna Page -

is down to one life! Ooh!

THEY YELP

Right, so there's three people on one now.

Greg, it's you again.

Hee-yeah!

It's your own face.

LAUGHTER

It's your own face.

Yeah. You hit yourself.

My heart is beating so fast right now.

That's gone to Armando yet again.

He's absolutely covered in beanbags down there.

Oh, no! Joanna is out of the game. Oh, I'm sorry.

Joanna Page, destroyed.

Come and sit here.

Ooh!

Another for Armando. Check in.

It's you, Greg. Oh.

Joel! Joel Dommett has gone.

Aw!

CHEERING

OK, here we are.

So I have to get all three on Kumail?

Yeah.

Ooh!

Wow. Oh, no!

Aw! She's gone!

Wow.

Let's add those to your final scores. Come and join me!

CHEERING

Well, well, well, that was high-octane stuff. It really was.

And, boy, can he throw accurately

with a beanbag at other people's faces.

Oh, man, he's good.

What's that done to the final scores?

We have three people in joint second on 16 points.

Second week in a row, I can't believe it.

But the winner, with 20 points,

is Mr Kumail Nanjiani! Yay!

CHEERING, APPLAUSE

Kamal Nanjiani wins!

Please, go up and cringe with your embarrassing things!

So... Good.

What have we learnt today?

Well, we've learnt that ostensibly,

Taskmaster is a light entertainment show,

but sometimes, there are darker forces at play.

Sometimes, it's a vehicle for people to face their innermost fears,

to dig deep into their psyche,

to find the courage that they never knew they had,

to reveal the most harrowing secrets

from their most chequered of pasts, to... Agh! A-a-agh!

You guys all right in there? Yeah, we're fine.

LAUGHTER

Here is your champion for the night, Kumail Nanjiani!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media