Original subtitles

(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) Okay, I'm going to need way more hints.

It's the office phone bill, Linda.

Well, that wasn't a very good game.

No, not this.

This.

I want to know who made the $11

.47 call to Chico, California.

There's a Chico, California.

Is it anywhere near Groucho, Nevada?

I hear laughter, ladies.

I don't hear confessions.

You really think that I would rip you

off for an $11 phone call?

That is the most insulting thing I've ever

heard.

I bet it was her.

I didn't do it.

Couldn't have been one of the patients, because

we don't let our patients use the phone.

Right, Linda?

I swear, I'm rude to everyone, just like

you asked.

All right, all right.

If it wasn't one of us, wasn't one

of the patients, that leaves the telephone company.

Oh, yeah, I tell you something.

I'm going to wish they hadn't screwed with

me.

By the time I'm through with them, they're

not going to know what hit them.

Oh, John, you're not going to call them,

are you?

Yeah, well, what do you suggest?

Grab a few sticks of dynamite, blast open

that wallet of yours, and pay the money.

Sue, that's not going to happen.

I mean, you get them, Dr. Recker.

Oh, John, please, you're just going to end

up screwing things up.

You're going to lose your temper and alienate

everyone, like you always do.

What are you talking about?

Oh, come on, face it, you're not good

on the phone.

You're not good in person.

You're just not good.

Not good?

Yeah, watch this.

Well, hello to you too, Wendy.

I hope you can help me.

This is Dr. John Becker at 555-0199.

Yeah, it's about my phone bill.

Well, there's a charge to Chico, California, that

I didn't make.

Yeah, yeah, that's the one.

You're going to credit me?

Thank you.

Well, I certainly hope you have a nice

day too.

Well, what have we learned here?

A, you said that I couldn't beat the

phone company, and I did.

B, you said that I don't have people

skills, and I do.

C, I can't remember C, but I'm pretty

sure you were wrong about that too.

What the hell is this?

Okay, I'm going to need way more hints.

It's the phone bill, Linda.

Well, I was going to guess that, but

it seems so obvious.

Margaret, the phone company lied to me.

This is my new bill, and the call

to Chico, California is still there.

Well, John, what have we learned from all

this?

A, you were wrong.

B, you were wrong.

And C, well, I can't remember C, but

I'm pretty sure you were wrong about that

too.

Why would they say they're going to take

the charge off the bill and then not

do it?

You know, damn phone company.

You know what this is, don't you?

This is war.

John, don't be stupid.

Let it go and pay the money.

Oh, don't you see, Margaret, that's how they

get you.

A couple of phony calls, a few extra

charges, next thing you know, they bilk the

American public out of billions of dollars.

We've got to do something.

John, it was only 11 dollars.

And 47 cents.

Even if it were a dollar, I'd still

be upset.

I know.

Oh, Margaret, it's not the money, it's the

principle.

Oh, no.

Not the principle.

Not again.

Do I have to remind you the Thrifty

Mart incident?

I told you never to bring that up.

What happened?

Not important.

The judge thought it was important.

Channel 2 Action News thought it was important.

The mayor's office thought it was...

Thrifty Mart.

That was you?

Oh, my God.

Did you really put a guy in a

wheelchair?

He was in the wheelchair before I ever

touched him.

Wisdom like that.

And they gave Dr. King the holiday.

Say, Reg, Kira wants to know what you're

wearing to Bonnie Bedrosian's wedding.

Bonnie's getting married?

Yeah.

Didn't she invite you?

No.

Oh.

Well, we've known each other since we were

kids.

Why wouldn't she invite me?

I don't understand.

Reg, it's no big deal.

I bet I know what happened.

I don't know what happened.

She probably hasn't sent out all the invitations.

I got mine a month ago.

But I don't understand.

If I was getting married, I'd invite her.

Yeah, and if my grandma had wheels, she'd

be a wagon.

Shut up.

Morning, all.

I just came to say you're looking at

a brand-new Bob.

Well, except for you.

And I owe it all to these tapes.

Ted Talbot's Ten Tips for Total Transformation.

Wait, Ted Talbot?

That sleazy con man on Channel 59?

Like Ted says, liticule is the last resort

for the truly helpless.

And yeah, that's him.

Hey, Bob, they delivered that blazer I bought

you.

I thought you might need it, you know,

in case you have any job interviews.

Not yet, but I'm only up to tape

two.

You guys know the difference between successful people

and schmucks like us?

You mean schmucks like you.

The point is, Ted Talbot knows the difference.

And once I'm done listening to these tapes...

You'll no longer be a schmuck like you?

Exactly.

I'll have the life I've always dreamed of.

I'd say you have that now.

No.

You don't work, and you live in Linda's

penthouse rent-free.

But that's gonna change.

That's why I bought Bob the tapes.

You bought Bob the tapes?

I would have bought them myself, but unfortunately

Bob left all his money in his ex

-wife.

Well...

It's time to get out of my day

the Ted Talbot way.

Number one, start your day with the brisk

constitutional.

Well, I wouldn't call it brisk, but...

Done.

Done?

You never take walks.

That's a walk?

Oh.

Skipping ahead.

Do one thing each day you've never done

before.

Pay for your food?

Baby steps, Rach.

Baby steps.

I really think these tapes are gonna make

a difference in Bob's life.

I don't get it, Linda.

Why are you being so nice to him?

Because he needs my help to make a

fresh start in life.

You just want him out of your place,

don't you?

No, it's not that I want him out.

It's just...

Yes.

So why don't you throw his butt out

on the street?

I can't just throw him out.

It's like that saying.

Give a man a fish and he eats

for a day.

Teach a man to fish and you've walked

a mile in his shoes.

Close enough.

Oh, finally.

This is John Becker.

Don't ask me for my number because I

punched it in an hour ago.

I have your account in front of me.

My name is April.

How may I help you?

I don't need your name, April.

What I need, April, is for you to

remove a charge from my bill for a

call to Chico, California.

A place I've never heard of and never

called.

Think you can do that, April?

I understand you're upset, sir.

I'll credit you immediately.

No, no, no, you don't.

Look, they told me that three weeks ago

and it's still on my bill.

I'd be glad to drop that charge if

you'll just provide us with some kind of

substantiation that you didn't make the call.

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah.

So that's your game, is it?

I suppose my word as a customer in

good standing is meaningless?

That's correct, sir.

You know what I think?

I think Chico doesn't even exist.

I'll bet Chico is some sort of phone

company code word for dumping bogus charges on

unsuspecting customers.

I can assure you, sir, the call in

question is to an actual number.

Frankly, in most disputes, a customer has merely

forgotten that they placed the call.

Perhaps if you call the number, it might

all come back to you?

You don't think I'm going to do that,

do you?

Sir, I just asked you to.

Yeah, well, I got news for you, April.

I am going to do it.

You don't have any idea who you're dealing

with here.

Isn't this Dr. John Becker located at 18...

Oh, you know what I mean.

I'll show her.

Yeah, hi, this is Dr. John Becker calling

from New York to substantiate that I did

not make a call to this number on

the...

Oh, well, hi, Timmy.

Can I speak to your mommy?

Oh, you have two mommies.

Well, you live in California, why not?

Any chance one of them can come to

the phone?

Hello, Tim...

Stupid kid.

Hey, Jake, did it ever occur to you

that success is staring you right in the

face and you just can't see it?

Now, Bob, don't take this the wrong way,

but sit your punk ass down and shut

up.

You know, the pre-Ted Talbot Bob would

have taken offense at that.

But the new Bob is focused like a

laser on his goal.

And he has two of them now.

You know, I can't get over not being

invited to Bonnie's wedding.

You weren't invited?

You were.

Practically everyone from high school was.

It's like a mini reunion.

Remember that exchange student with the one eyebrow

and the mustache?

She's invited?

Chico, California.

Sleepy little town or the front for a

billion dollar scam?

Reg, do you have any idea what he's

talking about?

Oh, what's the matter?

Are you worried he's not gonna tell us?

Good point.

I'll tell you exactly what I'm talking about.

The phone company is screwing me out of

$11.47. That's it?

It's not the money, Reg.

It's the principal.

Oh, Becker, not the principal.

Didn't you learn your lesson at the thrifty

mart?

Oh, what?

Like no one else has ever been banned

from a retail chain for life?

That was you?

You really pushed a guy in a wheelchair

off a cliff?

It wasn't off a cliff.

It was down a hill.

For your information, you know, the dumpster broke

his fall.

I don't know why everyone's making such a

big deal about this.

Because it was a big deal.

The guy was handicapped, John.

Why is it everyone always sticks up for

the guy in the wheelchair?

Not.

Oh, Linda, Tiffany's.

What did you get?

Bob asked me to pick him up a

sterling silver money clip.

What for?

He doesn't have any money.

It's a Ted Talbot tip.

Creative visualization.

Act rich and riches will follow.

Must be working.

He just got a silver money clip.

Linda, aren't you tired of that little man

sponging off you?

He's not sponging off me, Margaret.

He's...

Yes.

Then throw him out.

I can't throw him out.

I'm supposed to be helping him.

It's like that old saying.

I cried because I had no shoes, and

then I met a man.

And then you met a man who had

no feet.

No, I think I'd remember that.

Oh, hello, Mr. Fuller.

Hello, Linda.

I've got an appointment with the doctor to

talk about my test results.

Oh, no.

Oh, no what?

Oh, not oh, no, oh, no.

I mean, it could be oh, no, oh,

no, but...

Oh, no, but we don't know.

Oh.

Your lab results won't be in till tomorrow.

I called your assistant, didn't he tell you?

No, he didn't.

God, that idiot can't do anything right.

I tell you, you can't get good help

these days.

Tell me about it.

I got to fire that guy.

Wait, so you'll be looking for a new

assistant?

Yeah, but I'm damned if I'm going to

hire another snot-nosed MBA.

I wasn't asking for me.

I already have a job.

But would you hire someone who didn't even

go to college?

Hell, I didn't.

All I had going for me was street

smarts.

Now, I need to find someone like I

used to be, you know, brash, arrogant, and,

well, a little bit of a pain in

the ass.

Pain in the ass?

Well.

Well, I've got the guy for you.

I'm telling you, Margaret, Chico is just a

code word.

The phone company uses to screw you, don't

you get it?

I think you can't defend yourself, but I'm

fighting him, Margaret.

This is Thrifty Mart all over again.

Well, you're never going to let that go,

are you?

I told you it wasn't my fault.

You hit a man in a wheelchair.

I was trying to defend myself.

You know, Margaret, you never, ever let me

tell you what really happened.

I would love to know what really happened.

OK.

All right.

I was at the Thrifty Mart picking up

a prescription for a patient, right?

So I'm standing in line waiting to pay

for the medicine and some cigarettes, and this

guy wheels up right in front of me.

Now, we're both adults, so I say, hey,

no cuts.

And that's when you hit him?

No, no, no.

First, it was just back and forth, you

know, talking trash, a little knee bumping.

Then you hit him.

No, then he hit me.

And long story short, he rolled into the

parking lot down the hill and blah, blah,

blah, blah.

Next thing you know, there's a demonstration outside

my office.

I mean, they're actually carrying picket signs and

marching back and forth.

Well, not marching, you know.

All I know is a simple apology would

have diffused the whole situation.

Quit calling that kid.

Pay the money.

It's only $11.

It's the principal, Margaret.

Which is why I'm going to go down

to the phone company and straighten this out

once and for all.

Oh, no.

Now you are just asking for trouble.

No, no.

Trouble came asking for me.

And now it's going to get it.

You know, the trouble that it was asking

for.

Trouble is...

Oh, hell, you know what I'm talking about.

Jake, I've been making some calls and I

found out that I am the only person

in our high school class that wasn't invited

to Bonnie's wedding.

I'm so humiliated.

Yeah, because you called everyone up and told

them.

Well, I'm going to get to the bottom

of this.

Reg, you are at the bottom of this.

Not yet.

I'm going to go over to Bonnie's and

I'm just going to ask her flat out

why she and Dave don't want me at

her wedding.

Dave?

No, she and Dave broke up six months

ago.

She's marrying a guy named Sean Russell.

Sean Russell?

From high school?

Oh, well, that explains it.

I wouldn't invite me either.

You know him?

Well, you could say that.

I dated him senior year.

I dated his brains out.

Oh.

Um, Mr. Fuller, why don't you have a

seat?

I'm sure Bob will be here any minute.

Okay.

Hey, Jake, have you seen Bob?

One of the perks of being blind, I've

never seen Bob.

Sorry I'm late.

I was just reading the Wall Street Journal

on my constitutional.

That's a walk.

Bob, this is Mr. Fuller.

This is my friend I was telling you

about.

How you doing there, Fuller?

My goodness, you're full of energy.

Well, Bob, I certainly enjoyed reading your resume.

Well, I enjoyed making it up.

Sense of humor, I like that.

Now take a seat, will you?

Now, you know, Linda's told me a lot

of good things about you, and I think

you might just be perfect for the job.

Bob, you got a job!

I'm so happy!

For you.

So let's just cut to the chase.

How's $25,000 a year sound?

Great, he'll take it.

What kind of an idiot do you take

me for?

Bob.

If you want a winner, you gotta pay

for a winner.

I like your style.

All right, $30,000 it is.

Great, he'll take it.

Bob senses weakness.

His price just doubled, and I want a

company car.

Bob!

My God, you remind me of myself when

I was your age.

All right, $40,000 and an expense account.

Great, he'll take it.

No car?

You can ride in the limo with me.

A limo, he'll take it.

You'll get a limo while Bob carries your

lazy ass for a measly $40,000 a

year.

Bob!

Excuse me?

He'll take it.

Fuller, here's my final offer, and it's non

-negotiable.

I want $200,000 a year, an expense

account, and a car.

And nothing cheap.

I wanna dodge.

Well, I'm sorry, Linda.

This just isn't gonna work.

Young man, you are insane.

Tick tock, Fuller.

He'll be back.

I'm blind, and I can see he's not

coming back.

That's all right.

Opportunities are like streetcars.

Yeah, there are none left.

Here's the deal.

Suck it up, get a job, and move

out.

Smooth.

Thank you, sir.

Yeah, I'm here to dispute my bill.

My name is Becker, John Becker.

My name is Susie.

Can I have your number, please?

5550199.

And isn't it just like the phone company

to reduce everybody to a number?

And yes, I'm aware of the irony of

what I just said.

What can I do to help you, sir?

There's an $11.47 call to Chico, California

that I did not make.

Matter of fact, until just recently, I never

heard of Chico, California.

But sir, according to our records, you've called

there 15 times in the past two days.

You know, I was just trying to get

proof that I didn't make the damn call

in the first place.

And I would have if Timmy had put

one of his lesbian mommies on the phone.

Anyway, you're the people who told me to

make the call in the first place.

Oh, sir, I don't know who told you

to do that, but that's not our policy

at all.

Did you get the name of the person

you spoke with?

Absolutely.

Her name was, uh...

Uh, her name was, uh...

She never told me her name.

But sir, we're required to give our names.

Now, don't but, sir, me.

The point is, I did not make the

call.

You know, I don't think anybody made that

call.

You know what I think?

I think that Chico is just a phone

company code word to put phony charges on

innocent people's bills.

Hey, you know what?

Check your bills, everybody.

You got Chico, California on there.

You're getting screwed.

Sir, sir, please calm down.

I'll get my supervisor.

Yeah, you get your supervisor.

Mr. Mindich, you're needed out front.

You do that.

I'll talk to Mindich.

I'll straighten everything out with Mindich.

Mindich.

How can I help?

Oh, my God, it's you.

Becker.

Mindich.

I mean, have we met?

You're damn right we have.

This is the maniac that attacked me at

the thrifty mart.

We were waiting in line and he went

crazy on me.

He's insane.

I've never seen you in my entire life.

And you cut in line.

I did not.

You did too.

But he was in a wheelchair.

It was a very long line.

At least he had someplace to sit.

You don't know.

You weren't there.

You know something?

You know something?

I didn't call Chico, but I'll pay for

Chico so I can get away from Wacko.

You know, what is it, $11.47?

Plus the additional charges.

That comes to $60.

Oh, here, you know, just keep the change,

will you?

Oh, look at him go.

He's not so tough when there's not a

hill to push me down.

You know, sir, that's not the way it

happened.

If you had the facts, you'd realize this

guy doesn't have a leg to stand on.

You know what I mean.

All I'm saying is that we can't just

let people like him roll all over us.

Oh, you know what I mean.

Come on, you feel the same way I

do.

You know, you talk the talk.

I walk the walk.

At least you can walk.

Why is it everyone always sticks up for

the guy in the wheelchair?

Did you Chico him?

Oh, yeah.

A break-in by gay rights protesters, a

drunk interviewee and a whining newsreader.

It's just another day at the office for

the GlobeLink team in Drop the Dead Donkey

coming up at 10.

Next tonight, though, it's Frasier.