Original subtitles

(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) What exactly are you doing, Jake?

Excuse me, every once in a while I

like to blend in.

You're a blind man reading an upside down

Yiddish newspaper.

Oh yeah, you're blending right in.

Quit hocking me.

So, Reg, you know what I heard this

morning on the radio?

Some guy out in Queens buys a painting

for five bucks at a garage sale.

Turns out it's a masterpiece and it's worth

a million dollars.

I mean, why couldn't that happen to us?

I bet it hit to me.

Jake, what are you saying?

You want to leave all of this?

Well, I'm saying I'd do anything for a

million bucks.

Anything?

Mm-hmm.

Would you eat a bug?

I think I just did.

Give me that.

Thanks.

Oh, it's just a piece of...

parsley.

Well, it's official.

I finally turned New York into a police

state.

I'm driving to work, and like I do

every morning when I get to the corner

of White Plains Road and Lester Avenue, I

turn right.

And I know, I know, it's a one

-way street, but I only go 25 yards,

then I take a shortcut down this alley.

Today, some idiot of a cop is lying

in wait for me, and he tickets me

for an illegal turn, broken taillight, no seatbelt,

and oh yeah, no rear view mirror.

I'm going the wrong way down a one

-way street.

There's nothing behind me.

Yeah, and then to add insult to injury,

he busts me for an expired license, says

guys my age should know better.

Can you believe that?

I'd eat dirt for a million dollars.

Even I would eat dirt for a million

dollars.

Yeah, but how about the dirt from an

old shepherd's sandal on a hot and sweaty

day?

Excuse me, but I'm trying to alert you

to an injustice.

I was abused by the cops, and now

I have to go to the DMV.

Doesn't this mean anything to you people?

How sweaty a day are we talking about?

Fine, fine, fine, but when the goon squad

comes and takes your license away, don't come

crying to me.

Uh, John, about me losing my driver's license?

I don't know what I'm talking about.

You're late.

Excuse me.

I always wanted to say that to him.

First of all, I'm not late.

Secondly, I'm late because I had to drop

my car off at the mechanic because some

jackbooted thug of a cop decided it wasn't

roadworthy.

I mean, you show me where it's written,

where the back window has to be made

entirely out of glass.

You know, you can see perfectly well through

saran wrap.

And it makes a pretty sexy party dress.

I'm just saying.

Well, I sure feel safer knowing I can

cross Lester Avenue without worrying about you barreling

down it the wrong way.

Oh, come on, it's only for 25 yards.

Or else I have to go around the

block.

Well, I do.

Oh, and I got to get out of

here by 4 o'clock.

I have to go to the DMV to

renew my license.

You know, what a pain in the ass.

I have forgotten more about driving than most

people will ever know.

I'll be sure to tell them that.

They will slide you right through.

You have to take the written test, the

driving test, the eye test.

I renewed my license and they didn't make

me do all that.

Oh, but I'm young.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means you're old.

Tony Petrilli is waiting in room one.

He's got some kind of back dealie.

Dealie?

Linda checked him in.

What's wrong with him?

I don't know.

He's got some kind of whatchamacallit.

You're the doctor.

Figure it out.

Super helpful, Margaret.

So, Tony, I understand you have some kind

of back thingy.

What did you do to it?

Well, I've been telling everyone I did it

playing racquetball, but truth is, I sneezed.

It's so embarrassing.

I guess you got to expect that sort

of thing when you get to be R

.H. What are you talking about, R.H.?

You got to be at least...

Okay, let's take a look at your back.

Let me know when it hurts.

Oh, go figure.

I've been riding a motorcycle for years and

now I hurt myself sneezing.

I didn't know you had a motorcycle.

Oh, yeah, it's the best.

Makes me feel like a kid again.

Old guys like us, we need something like

that, right?

Yeah, speak for yourself.

Knock down here, will you?

I got to take an X-ray, see

what's going on.

God, I love that motorcycle.

But like everything I enjoy, my wife's making

me get rid of it.

She says it's too dangerous, but you know

her and my grandkids, they don't shut up

about it.

Grandkids?

When's your birthday?

January.

Oh, well, there you go.

You're next, sir.

Sir?

Who are you calling sir?

You're either a sir or a ma'am.

I took a shot.

How about buddy or pal?

Yeah, let's take it slow.

We only just met.

Well, I see you practically aced the written

test, only nine wrong.

Those are some damn hard questions.

I mean, who has the right-of-way

at a four-way stop sign?

I live in the Bronx.

It's the guy with the gun.

I'll give you that one.

Now read the fifth line on the eye

chart.

Put one hand over your left eye, and

do me a favor, the other hand over

your mouth.

Uh, E-R-N-A-B.

Want to go again?

All right.

Uh, U-R-C-N-O.

Is that your final answer?

Yeah, that's my final answer.

Sorry, you want to try it with your

glasses?

Oh, I don't wear these when I drive.

You do now.

Put them on and read to me.

That's, uh, H-L...

Oh, close enough.

Step to the red line.

That's great.

Would you just take my picture?

No, it was the paparazzi.

They must have found out you were here.

Here's your temporary license.

Will I be getting a permanent one?

No, they call it a temporary license because

Irving Temporary invented it.

Well, you don't look your age at all.

Well, thank you very much.

I try to take care of myself.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I guess you could take that more

than one way.

Next.

Come on, Reg, what might seem exotic in

this culture, well, that could be normal in

another one.

Quit stalling.

Would you or wouldn't you eat monkey brains

for a million dollars?

Idiots.

Are we talking free-range monkeys?

I'm so happy to be treated by you

instead of those HMO doctors.

Oh, thank you.

You're so much more experienced.

Thank you.

You know, older.

Thank you.

Oh, that's so cute.

That's the sound my grandpa makes when he

sits down.

I did not make a sound.

Oh.

There it is again.

I forget which looked at it.

Shut up, Linda, or go away, Linda.

Oh, that's not nice at all.

Your mechanic called.

He's having trouble finding parts for your car.

Why don't you just turn that thing into

a planter?

Oh, put that look away.

It doesn't work on me.

Here's your mail.

What is this?

An AARP card?

Is this a conspiracy?

I'm not a retired person.

Why are they sending me this now?

Oh, actually, you've been getting them for months.

I usually just throw them away, but today

it just seemed too delicious to let go.

Yeah, well, throw it away, will you?

You're sure?

You could get 50 cents off on orange

-flavored Metamucil.

Fine, I'll throw it away.

Oh, shoot.

Don't say a word.

Debbie?

Hi, Dr. Becker.

How you doing?

Great.

Well, except that I have to get a

flu shot.

I hate shots.

Oh, come on.

That's no big deal.

It doesn't hurt.

Hey, Dr. Becker, can I ask you a

personal question?

Sure, I guess.

Well, you're divorced, right?

Yeah, twice.

I wanted to make sure I got it

right.

You are so funny.

But, you know, there's this concert coming up,

and I have a couple of tickets.

Oh, gee.

Well, I think that you should take my

mother.

I mean, you're about the same age, and

she's- Mother's age, my ass.

You have something?

Oh, what the hell.

Just do it.

Hey, Tony, look, if you're still serious about

getting rid of that motorcycle, I'd better give

it some thought.

You know, damn it, I'll take it.

John Becker.

You're a doctor.

Yeah, yeah.

Name your price.

Name another price.

Ooh.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh.

Yeah.

What's that?

A helmet.

Please tell me it's because you've been falling

down a lot.

No, as a matter of fact, it's because

I've just bought Tony Petrilli's motorcycle.

What?

Are you crazy?

You're actually gonna ride around the city on

a bike?

It's not a bike.

A bike has baseball cards stuck in its

spokes.

What I have is a motorcycle.

What you have is a desperate need to

recapture your youth.

Oh, come on, John, it's such a childish

cliché.

Is not.

Look, forget for the moment that it's pathetic.

Forget for the moment that you're too old

for it.

The fact is, you're a minister of society

on four wheels.

I can't imagine you aren't two.

Yeah, other than hump-busting, did you come

in here for a reason?

Yes, I came in here to tell you

that the drug rep from Connaught Pharmaceuticals is

here to see you.

Oh, and I told you, I don't want

to talk to those drug company idiots.

Excuse me, Dr. Becker.

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, miss, you had to

come all the way down here.

I don't have time to talk to you

right now.

Oh, hey, you ride a bike?

Oh, yeah, as a matter of fact, I

do.

Oh, it's not a bike.

Thank you.

No, but you just said it's not a...

Thank you.

So, why don't I give you that ride

sometime?

Well, I'm free this weekend.

Oh, great, well, I'll give you a call

then.

Okay, great.

Bye.

Bye-bye.

Oh, aren't you dating Dr. Carson anymore?

What are you talking about?

She's talking about you and Liz.

Remember Liz?

Pretty, red hair, for some inexplicable reason, puts

up with you.

Oh, her?

No, she's not on a date.

You know, a man and a woman can't

go for a ride in the country and

then have a quiet dinner without a...

Oh, boy.

Margaret, get me out of it.

But you gotta admit, the, uh, the motorcycle

works.

How about roller skating through Central Park naked

at midnight?

No.

How about eating a light bulb?

I can't believe it.

Are you two idiots still thinking of things

you'd do for a million bucks?

No, now we're trying to think of things

stupider than you buying that motorcycle.

So far, we can't...

Oh, I get it.

Yeah, Margaret called to tell you, huh?

No, Margaret came over here to tell us.

She wanted to see the looks on our

faces.

You know, I laughed so hard that for

a second, I thought I could see.

So, are you gonna go the whole route,

Becker?

Leather pants, white scarf, little village people hat?

Yeah, is it just insults today, or could

I get some coffee around here?

What?

Have we been too rough on you, Becker?

Oh, that's right, I keep forgetting.

You're the one who makes fun of people,

and we're the ones who get made fun

of.

Okay, so we're on the same page.

Come on, Becker, a guy your age riding

a motorcycle?

That's just the kind of cliché you'd jump

all over.

But were some other guy, you'd say he

was just some pathetic old fart tooling around

the city in some sad, desperate attempt to

try to turn back the clock.

That's what you'd say.

But not me, I'm too nice.

Yeah, right.

You know, you're gonna be whistling a different

tune when I pull up on it outside.

It'll be, ooh, ooh, please, let me have

a ride.

It's all the same to you, I like

my arms and legs, oh, I don't know,

attached.

So, how'd you learn how to ride this

thing, anyway?

Did you have one in college?

Huh?

What are you talking about?

You do know how to ride it, don't

you?

Oh, yeah, sure, of course I do, yeah,

yeah.

Yeah, I've ridden one all my life.

Nothing to it, nothing to it.

That's a clutch, clutch.

Clutch.

All right, there it is, what's next?

Uh, gears, gears.

Oh, jeez.

Yeah, a horn, that's, that's cool.

What?

It's Alexei the Super.

Do you have a motorcycle in there?

No.

Hey, what, what, what the hell are you

doing?

What is that?

Oh, motorcycle, yeah.

Yeah, how'd you know?

Alexei knows everything that goes on here.

When it comes to this building, I'm watchful

and tough, like a bull dyke.

You can't keep that here, it's dangerous.

Dangerous?

Oh, come on.

Hey, hey, you can't come in here and

just help yourself.

Thank you.

Oh, come on, why, why don't you go

harass some other tenants?

Like Anita in 8K.

She's got so many Johns going in and

out, she should put a turnstile in.

Don't you have a problem with that?

Yes, she charges too freaking much.

Come on, look, I can't put that on

the street, it'll get ripped off.

Give me a couple weeks to find a

garage.

Okay, who is this for anyway?

Your grandson?

No, happens to be mine.

You know something, just get out of here.

What is this, midlife crisis?

Get out.

Go and see Anita, she will make you

feel young again.

Out!

I think I look pretty cool.

Mum, mum mum mum mum mum mum mum

mum mum mum.

Oh, yeah, yeah, definitely cool.

Mum.

Boom!

Ow!

Morning.

You want to tell me what happened?

Not particularly.

You hurt yourself on that stupid motorcycle, didn't

you?

Oh, please, Margaret.

This happened in my apartment.

If you can figure out how I injured

myself on a motorcycle in my apartment, be

my guest.

How about this?

You were sitting on it playing little vroom

-vroom games, and then it fell over on

you and you hurt your leg.

Your friend at the emergency room called and

told you, didn't she?

No.

She came over.

She wanted to see the look on my

face.

John, please, I'm begging you, get rid of

it.

If you ever actually get it out of

your apartment, you're going to kill yourself.

All right, fine, fine, I'll get rid of

it, but quit nagging me, will you, Margaret?

John, you can't stop yourself from getting older.

Yeah, maybe, but I don't have to like

it.

You know, you go through your entire life

seeing yourself a certain way, and then all

of a sudden, the rest of the world

has a meeting and decides you've changed.

Next thing you know, you can't read the

eye chart, they're calling you sir, they're setting

you up with their mothers, and you're making

little noises when you sit down.

Do you have to go kicking and screaming

through your whole life?

Can't you do anything gracefully?

All right, fine, fine, Margaret, I will age

gracefully.

I'll buy one of those little motorized chairs

with the little grocery basket in the front

and the little dingle bell on the handlebars.

The way you drive, you might want to

hold on to that helmet.

Hey, Dr. Becker?

Oh, I'm sorry, Linda.

Of course, you haven't had your turn, have

you?

Come on in and tell me how stupid

I am.

I don't think you're stupid at all.

Actually, I think it's pretty cool that you

got a motorcycle.

You do?

Sure.

In fact, I understand why you got it.

When you get to a certain age, you

miss having new things to be excited about.

A reason to get out of bed in

the morning.

I mean, gee, Dr. Becker, everybody needs that.

You know, something to make you feel alive.

Because when you don't have that, that's when

you really get old.

Thanks, Linda.

I am.

Thank you.

It's okay.

I hope you feel better.

Linda, I heard what you said.

It was very touching, very sweet.

Thanks.

That's what the doctor said to my grandpa

when he got his new leg.

I heard that!

I heard that!

The GlobeLink newsroom is a death trap for

pets at ten when Sally brings her dog

to work.

Frasier's next, though, and Lilith is about to

ensnare a weak-willed shrink.

The GlobeLink Newsroom is a death trap for

pets at ten when Sally brings her dog

to work.