All language subtitles for The.Goldbergs.2013.S07E16.720p.AMZN.WEBRip.x264-GalaxyTV

ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s,

one of the most popular movie genres was body swapping.

Yep, nothing was more hilarious than seeing someone

wake up in another
person's shoes,

which made picking what
to watch impossible.

Ooh!
Grab 18 Again.

It's George Burns,
but he's 18 again.

He's got the wisdom
of a lifetime

in the body of
a whippersnapper.

How about Freaky Friday?

A mom and her
teenage daughter
swap bodies.

As if the mother-daughter
relationship

isn't fraught
enough already.

All of Me.

Steve Martin gets
Lily Tomlin's soul

crammed in his head, and, boy,
does she have opinions.

Hey, Geoff, if you
could switch bodies,
who would it be with?

I wouldn't change
spots with anyone.

The perfect answer.
Or the worst!

It's either Chuck Norris
or Batman.

Or Noah from the Ark.

Or Noah from high school,

whose family coincidentally
also had a boat.

Are you sure you haven't
already swapped bodies

with someone who has
significant brain damage?

Silence!

We're getting
Dream a Little Dream.

It has the two Coreys in it.

Those two will never
know failure.

Let's go.
Why the sad face?

Are they out of
All Dogs Go to Heaven?

No, they keep that on
permanent hold for me.

I was just thinking that
since I'm not currently

doing anything
with my life,

no one would want to
switch bodies with me.

But you're on
a great track now.

You're applying to college.

Yeah, but I can't do
that until summer.

I want my life
to start right now.

And besides,
living on campus illegally

hasn't exactly been easy.

ADULT ADAM:
Even though Geoff loved
shacking up with Erica,

not being an actual student
had a few setbacks,

like not having
a dorm key.

Oh, no! Poison ivy!

Oh, no! The door!

And no school I.D. meant
no access to the cafeteria.

What'd you get me?
You know when
you're so hungry

that everything
tastes good?

Are you that hungry?
Was this once a crepe?

And... Bum-bum-bum...
Iceberg lettuce!

It's almost a Cobb salad.

Look, I know
it's been tough,
but be patient.

You'll be a student here
before you know it.

Idea!
Geoff can switch bodies

with the greatest
living person
of all time... Me.

I speak for everyone
when I say we don't
want your body, Barry.

Oh, Geoff should want my body.
He should want it bad.

Bar, where are you
going with this?

It's where
you are going...

To the cafeteria
with my I.D.

Wow. That would be amazing.

But don't you need it
for food?

Nah. I just eat
everything in the fridge

that's clearly marked
"Property of Matt Bradley."

What?
Wait, so with Barry's I.D.,

I could escape the shadows
and eat food from a plate
and not a pocket?

Oh, yeah, I meant to
give this to you earlier.

It's called spanakopita.

And it is wet.

Just be careful being me.

My looks tend
to draw a crowd.

It's a chore being
this beautiful.

You do know that
you're not actually
switching bodies, right?

Don't be so sure.

It's happening.
So magical!

They're the same
age and gender,

so it won't be that strange.

Idiots.

It's 9:00.
The store is closing.

Fine. But to make sure
our swap is complete,

we'll slam our bodies together
to exchange life spirits.

Yeah,
that won't be necessary!Yah!

♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say

♪ I don't know the future

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

ADULT ADAM:
It was February 26th,
1980-something,

and I was getting ready to
eat what I ate every day...

Hot crap.

I thought it was
square pizza day.

And I thought it was
dork-free lunch line day.

It didn't work out
for any of us.

I wasn't looking
for a give and take,
Doris.

Attention, students!

From now on,
juniors will be allowed

to have lunch off-campus,
just like seniors!

It's finally happening!

Starting tomorrow!

Why'd you pause?
You didn't have to pause.

Ha! Thanks for the spud,
hot head!

Who cares?

Now we can eat
at Mister Rick's Hoagies

across the street.

Hoagies?
We need to think bigger.

You ever wonder what
Red Lobster's like
at noon on a Tuesday?

My guess?
Businessmen, making deals,

as far as the eye can see.

Isn't it great
about open lunch?

Yes. I was just discussing
our many options.

Like the one restaurant
that's in walking distance.

But don't you have a car?
Can't you take us
pretty much anywhere?

Us? Like me and you?

Uh...yeah.

I don't know
if you've noticed,

we've kinda been eating lunch
together every day.

Huh. I guess that's right.

I haven't really
been tracking.

Yeah, you have.
You got a calendar
in your locker,

and you write "Brea"
in bubbly letters every day.

Look who's right there
with the information
no one needed.

Here are your parental consent
forms for going off campus.

Parental consent forms?

Yeah, make sure
your folks sign this.

It relieves us
of any liability

around your accidental death
or dismemberment.

Dismemberment?
Happens more than
you would think.

Arms and feet,
they come off
like Barbie parts.

Toodles.

Adam's out.

There's no way
Beverly Goldberg
signs anything

where he can
lose a fingernail,
let alone a limb.

Oh, that's too bad.

I can just get a ride
with someone else, I guess.

You want to ride shotgun
in my red Scirocco?

No, she doesn't,
Matt Schernecke!

And I can handle
Beverly Goldberg.

Nothing less true
has ever been said.

Start thinking
where you wanna chow, Brea.

Not that you chow.
That's just a turn of phrase.

You're a lovely eater.

Small bites,
like a delicate bunny.

Okay, as weird as that was,
one Mom autograph,

and I'd be lunching
off campus with Brea Bee.

Nothing was gonna stop me.

Hell no.

There's no way in the world
I'd let you drive to lunch.

But I already drive!
What could possibly go wrong?

But I knew.
We all did.

The Goldbergs sucked
behind the wheel.

Those are just five to seven
incredibly concrete examples.

I already made
concessions

on the crash helmet
and fire-retardant suit.

All the other parents
are letting their kids
go off campus.

All other parents
are idiots.

I love you harder
and better

than those people love
their idiot children.

Well, I have two parents,
and I know for a fact

that one of them
doesn't care at all.

Dad, sign this.

Ask your mother.
I'm asking you.

I don't go against
your mother.

I'm more of a "wait and see
and then wait some more"
kinda guy.

So scoot.

You broke your husband.

And Mama's
comin' for you next!

Please! I need this!
No.

Marjorie Shenkman's
lawn guy's nephew

went out for off-campus lunch
one time,

flipped his Saab,
and skimmed the top
of his head off.

Now when he goes
to cocktail parties,

people try to put
their drinks on his head,

like he's an end table.

There is no flat-skulled man
with a whiskey sour
on his dome!

He had to get a job
as Frankenstein

at that theme restaurant where
they salute old horror movies.

More drinks on the noggin.

Just let me drive.

He tried to cover it
with a toupee,

but it didn't sit right.

It looked like
an area rug

sitting on top of
a Rubik's Cube.

You're exhausting!
W... I'm just trying

to keep my perfectly
round-headed schmoopie safe!

As my mom was certain
I shouldn't drive,

Geoff was unsure he could
pull off being Barry.

I don't think I can
pull this off.
I'm perspiring so much!

Actually,
if you're being Barry,
that's a nice touch.

Now just walk in there,
show them your I.D.,

and get you
a real lunch, buddy.

Okay.
I can do this.

My days of pocket foods
are done!

ADULT ADAM: With that,
Geoff went for it.

He'd be Barry Goldberg,

and no one would
question him.

Hold it.
Oh, no. I'm too
eager-to-please for prison.

Let me see that card.

Barry, huh?

Oh, God.
I can explain.

Please do. You look
so much better now.

How'd you do it, Barry?

Your...sweet cooking?

I work the front.
Yeah, you do!

What'd you say to me?
Barry Goldberg said it.

Did you say
Barry Goldberg?

Barry Goldberg's
one of my students.

Uh-oh.
Uh-oh is right.

You haven't been
to my mythology
class all semester.

I thought Barry
dropped that class.

I mean, me.
Me dropped that class.

Class starts in five minutes.
Let's go.

Oh, wow.
I hate confrontation.

You have a strong grip
for a guy wearing tweed.

ADULT ADAM:
And so Geoff was pulled
into Barry's life.

But unlike Barry, he was
actually crushing it.

Well done, Barry Goldberg.
Another "A."

Wow, Barry Goldberg.
We sure could use you
in our study group.

Yep, Geoff made Barry
look good,

and other students
wanted in.

Dude, you're rad!
Any interest in joining
our drum circle?

All he wanted was a key
and a salad bar,

but instead, Geoff got
Barry's full-fledged
college life.

Grab some bongos
and join us, babe.

Also, you're my sister,
so don't kiss me hello.

Okay. Everyone out.

Yeah,
the drum sesh is over.

And don't forget to
take your ponchos

and that musky cloud that
you all made together.

Wow. My boyfriend's
crushing it as my brother.

I'm so happy for you,
and also...

I know. I just wanted
to use the cafeteria,

but I discovered that
college is filled

with so many opportunities
for personal growth.

And I'm thrilled for you,
but you don't have to
say yes to everything.

I'll try.
Right after crew practice.

Aidan and Beckett
think that we can take
Dartmouth this year

at Head of the Charles.

ADULT ADAM:
While Geoff's college life
was setting sail,

I was missing lunch
with my crew.

Where are we
headed for lunch,
my good man?

Shakey's?

That other Shakey's
that's closer but scarier?

I'm just excited
to get off campus.

The freedom's intoxicating.

Know what's better
than freedom?

The tried and true flavors
of our own cafeteria.

Ha. You clearly didn't get
your mom's signature.

I got my mom's
J. Hancock.

Not that I need it.
I'm my own man.

This shirt/cords combo
was all me.

Great. I mean,
not the pants,

but you can drive us
to the mall food court.

The food court?

So many cuisines from across
the globe in one spot.

Chow mein. Tacos.

The Sbarro Italian
experience.

You've never had real
Italian food,

you don't know what
you're missing.

Only problem...
The mall's 20 minutes away.

We only got 45 for lunch.
We'll never make it.

You'd never make it, but
Johnny Atkins could do it

in a hurricane with his arms
tied behind his back.

So, how's this work?

You steer with your knees
and honk with your nose?

This guy.

So, you'll take us?
For a price.

And that price is
a large Mr. Pibb. No ice.

Better be nothing but Pibb
to the tippy-top of that cup.

I think that
can be arranged.

You coming, Ad?

Ah... Screw it.

There was no way I was
letting my mom ruin
my lunch with Brea,

so I pulled
the riskiest move ever

and forged her
signature...

Until I pulled the next
riskiest move

by getting in a van
with Johnny Atkins.

He wasn't messing around.

It was the craziest ride
of my life.

He terrorized civilians,

he violated every traffic law known to man,

and at one point,
I think he jumped
over a drawbridge?

But somehow, he got
us there in one piece.

Let's move.

We have seven minutes to eat

before we have
to do that again,
but in reverse.

I can't believe
we made it.Me, neither.

Unfortunately,
we'd made it

on my mom's
weekly mall-walking day.

Nothing got by
Beverly Goldberg.

I smell my baby's
delicious head hair.

Adam!

Oh, balls!

Yeah, big ones,
you little .

While I was caught,
Geoff was caught up
in being Barry.

And when the real
Barry showed up,

he misread the situation
big-time.

CROWD: Barry!

What are you doing here?

We all cleared out
so Andy could entertain
a lady.

It's his grandma,
and she won't stop talking.

Is that Schwartz being
hoisted in the air

like he just threw a touchdown
or attended a Jewish wedding?

He just dominated
in ultimate Frisbee.

Why are you all
chanting "Barry,"

besides the many
obvious reasons?

'Cause Barry's
a total airbender

who just pancaked
a hospital pass

and hucked a scoober
for the win!

I don't know what
any of those are,
but he's not Barry.

I'm Barry.

It's cool, bro.
Sometimes people
have the same name.

You could be
Barry Number Two.

What the hell did you just
say to me, Frisbee bro?

Yeah, uh, we should
probably talk.

Um, do you remember
when we body-swapped?

Vaguely.
I have a full plate
of magic in my life.

Well, I've been
using your I.D.,
and it's been great.

I-I've been going to class,
making friends, joining clubs.

I've been going to this
college for six months,

and I can't do
any of that stuff.

Ha! It's like Geoff's
a better Barry
than you are.

Impossible.
I'm the best me.

And I'm gonna prove it...

After I send you
back into the shadows,
where you belong.

ADULT ADAM: For my brother,
being number two
wasn't an option.

It's all good,
Barry Number Two!

For actual Barry Goldberg,
this was war.

ADULT ADAM:
Desperate for my freedom,

I had committed
the ultimate crime

in my mom's eyes...
Using her name.

Who would do such
heinous acts?Unbelievable.

Going against our wishes
and forging
our distinguished signatures.

Distinguished?
Dad just holds the pen

and makes
the pizza-delivery guy
move the credit card slip.

Oh, more sass from
Mr. Sassafras over here.

Unbelievable.

I said I was sorry.
Can't we just move on?

Murray, did you hear that?
The boy wants to move on.

Unbelievable.

Thank you for always
backing me up.

He's not backing you up.

He's just peppering in
the word "unbelievable."

Your father and I
are a united front.

Tell him, Murray.
Unbelievable.

Damn it, Murray!
What?

Hey, congratulations
or whatever...

Graduating middle school.

February, and I'm
a junior in high school.

Mazel tov.
I did it, Bevy.Yay.

You should probably focus
on your husband now.

That is a flower
that needs watering.

Nice try,
but you are never

leaving campus for lunch
ever again.

But all my friends will be
off-campus without me!

Well, them's the breaks,
naughty boy,

and I'd say it's a light
tap on the wrist

compared to
the ultimate crime...

Murdering my heart.

You're both extremely bad
at this.

Do you believe this?

It's not my place
to get involved.

It literally is.
Okay.

If you take away
the kid's friends,

he's gonna hate you
forever,

and then
I'll be his favorite,

which doesn't
work for me.

That would also mean
I couldn't live with him
and his family

and tuck them all in at night
in a bed we all share.

I designed it.
It's called a super king.

So, you kinda get it.

Well, I can't have him
roaming

the crime-infested streets
of Jenkintown,

looking for cheap eats.

That is a toughie.

But I participated
a little,

so the ball's
back in your court.

ADULT ADAM: Yep,
my mom was desperate to
keep me at a safe distance,

so she spread the word about
the latest hot spot
for off-campus lunch.

ADAM: Bev's Bites?

This is just my mom
making food at my house.

I don't do zoning
for the city.

Just going for the free grub.

It was a brilliant chess move.

If I wanted to go
to a food court,

my mom would bring
a food court to me.

Yep. Bev's Bites
was open for business.

What'll it be, sir?

I've got a wok, and I'll
put things in there

that the fast food chains
are afraid to.

What I want is answers.

Who turns their home
into a food court?

And... Oh, man, are
those Dippin' Dots?

We've got it all.

Hot dog on a stick?
No!

Yes.

Damn it.
Exactly.

Now, why don't you go
sit with your friends
and that lovely Brea Bee?

No! Do not
pull her into this.

I'm taking my sticked-dog
and my friends to go.

Sorry. Between
the beef shawarma

and your hot mom,
I'm not leaving.

So sweet.

This is a pretty
tasty taco, Adam.

And this is
my first jambalaya,
and I jamba-like-it.

No one's looking for your
wordplay, Schernecke.

And while I admit this
is all super weird...

Holy crap, can your mom
make an Orange Julius.

Well, the secret
is buying it at
Orange Julius.

Hey. I like her.

Damn it.
Here.

Put this
in your windshield,

and then you can park
in the driveway.

ADULT ADAM:
As my mom fed my friends,

Barry was feeling
fed up with Geoff.

I'm sure you are all aware
of why I called
this meeting of the JTP.

ALL: JTP?

You didn't. I did.

This is our weekly
chores meeting.

Silence, stupid
Matt Bradley!

Geoffrey Schwartz
has stolen my identity
and sullied my good name.

You gave him your I.D.

Specifics don't matter.

What matters is,
is I'm jealous now.

Aw, buddy, are you looking
for a little validation

because Geoff is living
your best life?

Don't dig for
deeper reasons,

but yes, that'll
make me feel better.

I...guess you're not
afraid to express your
extreme emotions.

Oh!

And I guess you're not
afraid to get hit with chalk!
Do better!

I got one. You're a great
political cartoonist.

You know it, son.
I am a great...

Wait, what?

Ha! You gave
Ronald Reagan
Dumbo ears.

Who?
It's hilarious in a smart way
that doesn't make you laugh.

Take that, beltway.

I didn't do that!
I hate politics.

The only time I voted was
to keep the McRib going.

Geoff must've done this.

He's got
a deft artistic touch
all his own.

Damn it, he does!

He makes me seem creative
and insightful,

but that's not the Barry
people have come to expect!

I've heard enough!

GEOFF: Barry, what
are you doing here?

You don't play
ultimate Frisbee.

The real Barry Goldberg
dominates at all sports,

and I'm gonna score
all over you.

With these Frisbees.
In an ultimate way.

You have no idea how this game
works at all, do you?

I'll master it as I go.

ADULT ADAM:
With that began an epic
battle between two men...

One who knew the game
and one who did not.

Fly, disc, fly!

While Geoff had
all the moves,
Barry did this.

And while Geoff was
doing this, Barry did
a little of this.

And whatever...this is.

Dude, I'm on your team!
There are teams?

Hyah!

Oh! Is that points?
It should be!

Yep, the score
was lopsided,

as was the Frisbee
when Barry was done with it.

Unfortunately,
what he lacked in ability,

he didn't make up for
in sportsmanship.

You're all garbage!
I'm carrying us!

Get better!

Also, what's that cone
for over there?

It was clear...

The Barry Goldberg everyone
loved wasn't the real Barry.

Fine!

You stole
my awesome identity
away from me,

but body swaps
work both ways.

What are you saying?

I'm saying
you may have become
Barry Goldberg,

but there's nothing
stopping me from
becoming Geoff Schwartz.

Well, have fun with that.

Uh, help yourself
to an orange slice.

ADULT ADAM: As Barry was
determined to take back
his name at all costs,

I was determined
to take back
my lunch hour.

Brea!
Hey...Adam.

Why are you yelling?
You're so close.

Me. You.
The mall food court.
It's happening.

I'd love to, but
Johnny won't drive us.

I'm driving.

That drive is kinda crazy.
Are you sure you can do it?

Girl, I've been playing
Pole Position

since it came out
in the home version.

What?
To the wagon!

W-What do you think?

Keep reversing or try
to pull forward?

I just paid this off!

Mondays, am I right?
It's Wednesday!

While I was spinning
my wheels,

Barry hit the gas on his plan to bring Geoff down

by dragging
his good name.

Sorry I'm late,
everyone!

I'm Geoff Schwartz,
and I bring the tardy
to the party.

You must be lost, sir.

I'm exactly where
I need to be.

I'm a nerd.
Nerds like to learn.

I'm Geoff Schwartz.
What are you doing?

Being a terrible friend.
Because I'm Geoff Schwartz.

You keep saying your name
like that's an explanation
for the interruption.

Either sit or leave.

On it,
Professor Mustache.

Okay.
Geoff Schwartz.

My dad's a dentist.
That's why I have
so many teeth.

Pretty sure your dad's
an eye doctor.

I know me.

I cry at Palmolive ads.

You did once, and it was
because the bunny got lost,

but then the boy found him
and cleaned him in the sink.

I go boom
in my trousers.

I'm Geoff Schwartz.
Oh, God. Why?

Boom means poop.

I'm Geoff Schwartz.
Geoff Schwartz, stop this.

Why would this
Geoff Schwartz

do something for you,
Barry Goldberg?

Maybe because
this Barry Goldberg
is getting an "A."

Noice!
I'm dominating it.PROFESSOR: Okay!

It's painfully obvious
this is some kind of
movie-inspired body swap.

Fine. It's over.

You exposed me.
Damn right I did.

Just so you know,
I really loved being you.

Thanks a lot, Barry.

ADULT ADAM:
I had made a mad dash
for the food court,

but I only made it as far
as the principal's office.

Need I tell you how serious
this offense is?

He knows.

Now, what I'd like
to know is exactly

how the parental
signature verification
system broke down.

He put the slip in my box,
and I put it in this pile.

What?

I assumed you had a team
of forgery experts

who reviewed each signature
and compared them

against a master list
for authenticity.

I just put it
in the pile.

Oh, who cares?
Your boy drove on top
of my sweet Prelude!

That thing was high-class!

Calm down about your Prelude.
It was just okay.

Okay? That plucky
sports compact got it done.

On the highway
and with the ladies.

Okay, here's what's
gonna happen...

You will end off-campus
lunch forever,

and I will not sue you
for hundreds of millions
of dollars.

Let me think about it.
Deal.

What?
I'll be a social pariah!

Welcome to the bottom, baby.

It's one thing that I have
to live under your oppression,

but that doesn't mean
that everyone else should.

I don't care about
everyone else.

I only care about keeping
you safe, schmoopaloo.

Soon I won't need
your signature,

and when that day comes,

you'll be lucky if you
ever see me again.

Hey!

You can't say stuff
like that to me.

But I mean it.

Why would
I want to be anywhere
near your craziness?

Because you have to.
I am your mom.

I love you more
than myself.

Come on! Enough!

Someday, when
you're a parent,

you're gonna see
how hard it is

to worry about your kids
every moment of every day.

You don't worry about Barry
and Erica like this anymore.

Of course I do.
It never stops.

I feel like there's
a little piece of my heart

floating around out there,
and I may never get it back.

Adam, you need to understand
that I will never change

when it comes to
protecting my kids.

And you need to know
you're not protecting me.

You're just keeping me
from experiencing life.

I suppose I could...

Loosen the reins
a little bit.

♪ And the walls came down

ADULT ADAM:
Turns out no matter
how much I grew up,

my mom was always
gonna be my mom,

because there are
some relationships

that you can
always count on.

Hey.

Barry?
What are you doing here?

I thought you'd be out ruining
what's left of my rep.

I came to say sorry.

I shouldn't have said
any of that stuff.

I know you don't go
boom in your trousers.

But I don't get it.
It was your idea for me
to take your I.D.

So you can get a meal
at the dining hall,

not become a better me
than me.

I guess
I got carried away.

You were just
taking advantage

of all the amazing things
here that I haven't.

Well, why not?
I don't know.

'Cause it's scary
trying new stuff.

It was easier hanging
with the JTP

and not putting myself
out there.

But, Barry, you can, too.

Really?

You're not just
Barry Goldberg.
You're Big Tasty.

You've got more confidence
than anyone.

It's not always earned.

It's rarely earned.

But that's what
makes you you.

And I know it's only
a matter of time before
you own this place.

And besides, soon enough,
I'll be going here with you,

and the two of us
will be unstoppable.

Okay. I'm doing it.

I'm throwing myself
into this place for real.

Look out, college!

There's about to be a new
Big Tasty on campus.

Hell yeah, there is.

♪ Ya ya ya ya ya ya ya

ADULT ADAM: Life has a way
of turning you upside down

and making you feel like
you're not yourself.

But sometimes,
that's the perfect thing

to help you
get where you need to be.

Ready?
Let's do it.

And even though
we never know

where the journey's
gonna take us...

You really gonna
do this every day?

No.

Just for
the next few months.

...one thing's for sure,
riding with the ones we love

makes it a whole lot better,

even if that's
right across the street.

♪ Ya ya ya ya ya ya ya

In the end, things start to make a whole lot more sense

once we see life from
someone else's perspective.

After all, how else
would you know

what you're missing out on?

♪ Ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ♪

MURRAY: Who wants
a hot dog or a hamburger?

BEVERLY: SpaghettiOs?

Dude! The most bananas
thing just happened!

I was minding my business
and making mouth sounds
into a desk fan,

when I switched
bodies with Erica.

What's going on?
It's me. Big Tasty.

But I'm stuck in this
dumb lady body,

and I can't even
nunchuck.

See? I usually have the skills
of a bajillion Bruce Lees.

This is weird, sweetie.

Sweetie?
Don't be gross, you turd.

Hey! I'm Erica.

I like dumb leather boots
or being a wiseass.

I'm sad and pathetic...

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Oh, no.

Yeah, I guess
I'm pretty good
with these things.

Ow.