Original subtitles

[SAFETY ANNOUNCEMENT]: Ladies and gentlemen

I'd like to direct your attention

to the screen in front of you.

We'll be showing a brief safety demonstration.

While boarding the flight, please keep the aisle clear

and find your designated seat.

In the event of a water landing

Chloe Bridges' lips can be used as a flotation device.

Please enjoy one complimentary drink.

[ANNOUNCER SPEAKS GIBBERISH]

Please stow your carry-on in one of the overhead compartments.

If you need to flee the aircraft beware of sharp objects

as they can puncture the evacuation slide.

We ask that all seat backs and titty tassels

are in their full upright position.

If you have to smoke

please disable the lavatory smoke detector

so as not to wake the other passengers.

The flight attendants will now demonstrate

proper safety procedures.

Pull the cord to inflate the safety chest.

As a reminder, racial profiling is strictly tolerated.

Please report any suspicious ethnicity.

If you do not have a selfie stick,

one will be provided for you.

Please keep your seat belts fastened at all times

as we may experience unexpected flatulence.

As a reminder, there is no crying allowed on this flight.

Please silence your baby at this time

or it will be checked to your final destination.

Thank you for choosing Koalair.

"Koal-ity" you can trust.

At this time, your portable electronic devices

must be set to airplane mode.

[ARIEL]: You're on the other side of the world.

How can we possibly make this work?

Let's just make things simple.

Like when we first met on Chatroullette.

When we first connected

fell in love and the sparks flew.

When I asked you those deep, personal questions, like, uh...

What were those? Oh, yeah. Age, sex, location?

Hey, Logan, I'm ready to take this to the next level.

[LOGAN]: Oh, yes. Here we go.

Come on, old friend.

Who are you talking to?

Just a second. Freshening up.

OK. OK, babe. Now these are for your eyes only.

Yeah, don't worry, babe. It's just me.

[BIRD CAWS]

[ANGELS SING] - Do you have any almond milk?

[LOGAN SCREAMS] - [ARIEL SHRIEKS]

Oh... you're jerking off.

[LOGAN]: Come on, man!

Shouldn't just burst into people's rooms like that.

And you shouldn't be jerking off in the middle of the day

with your door unlocked and all your friends downstairs!

Now, do you have almond milk or not?

Come on, man.

It's next to my socks, you know that.

[JUANPA]: Yo, we're drinking up!

Gracias.

Sorry about that, babe.

OK.

Who was that?

Um, that would be Juanpa.

My foreign exchange brother

who's overstayed his welcome by a decade!

What about your real brother, Jake?

[LOGAN SCOFFS] Disney got him.

OK.

The moment's ruined, babe, don't you think?

No, no, no, babe, um, just... OK.

How 'bout this? Take a deep breath.

[HE INHALES]

OK. Close your eyes, close your eyes.

That's right. OK, now...

Imagine our second date, remember?

All the sexy shit I was typing to you?

I sent you that sexy picture with the pineapple over my penis

and I blamed it on autocorrect.

[ARIEL]: Yeah. - It wasn't autocorrect.

I sent it. - OK, OK. My turn.

Imagine we're together...

alone...

I'm standing right next to you.

You can feel my body on yours.

And I whisper in your ear...

Smile! You're on camera! - Ah!

Lele, what the actual fuck!

Aah! This is gonna be the best video ever!

Delete that now! - No!

It's gonna get a million likes!

It's not all about likes, you know.

What are you, fucking stupid?

Logan! [LELE GROANS]

[LOGAN CRIES IN PAIN]

[THEY SCREECH]

Owww!

Delete it!

Delete it, Lele! Delete it!

Logan, are you alright?

[LELE SCREAMS]

Suck it, bitch!

[LOGAN SCREAMS]

[LOGAN GROANS IN PAIN]

[SHE SHRIEKS]

Ow!

Delete. - I hate you!

I hate you. - Your girlfriend's a computer!

Jesus.

[LELE SCREECHES]

Oh, my God. [BIRD SQUAWKS]

[DOOR SLAMS]

Thanks, buddy.

Sorry about that, babe.

Oh, man, can't get any privacy around here.

OK. - Hey, Logan!

you seen the e-mail? - Ow!

I'll talk to you later, Logan. - No, no, no, no, no!

Fuck, man. I was getting somewhere.

Bro, what are you in here doing, man? I worry about you.

That's not your girlfriend. She's not a real girlfriend,

she's a computer girlfriend.

Huge difference.

Real girlfriend? [HE MOANS]

Computer girlfriend? [HE STUTTERS]

You know what I'm saying? - Yeah.

And I hate to break it down, but...

your girlfriend probably got a dick.

This convention's gonna be the fucking tits!

What convention?

[BACH]: You didn't hear about Hashtagacon?

Bro, it's the biggest social media convention ever.

Yeah, man. Hashtagacon. Everyone's gonna be there.

It's gonna be awesome.

How do you not know about this?

OK. Seriously, what is Hashtagacon?

Who the hell cares? People get laid at conventions.

Did... OK. - [PIQUES]: Yeah, they do.

[MOUTH FULL]: Really? Is that like a thing?

Is that a what? - Was that English?

Like a thing. I'm sorry. I was born in Mexico.

Yeah, that's literally why they invented conventions

so you can fuck.

It's like the only place you can cheat on your wife

and get a free gift basket.

The gift baskets? Eh.

But the cheating?

So, this means... - You can have sex, finally.

[JUANPA]: Aw...

[THEY GASP] - [JUANPA SCREAMS]

No more virginity!

[THEY CHEER]

Yeah, Juanpa!

I'm not gonna be a virgin, Logan!

Let's do it! - [THEY SCREECH]

We're all gonna be on the same fucking flight.

Dude, you ready, man? - What? N-n-no. What?

Do we... Do we have to fly?

Y-y-yah! Yah, Logan. Yah!

Uh... Then I can't go.

No, Logan, por favor. Not again!

[BACH]: Why can't you fly, Logan?

[VOICE ECHOES]

[JUANPA]: You can do it, Logan!

You can do it!

It's gonna go on YouTube!

I dunno. It looks pretty high from up here.

You're wearing a helmet. Use your wings, you big pussy.

Alright, here it goes.

My foreign-exchange brother, Logan, is going to fly.

Oh, shit! - Logan!

How bad is it?

You broke your femurs!

[LOGAN SCREAMS]

That's how I got these.

[LELE SNIGGERS] Wow.

That's the dumbest story I've ever heard.

You ain't the fucking Wright Brothers, motherfucker.

Alright? And pull your pants up.

The scars bring out the bitch in you.

[THEY LAUGH]

You a nasty bitch!

[THEY SCREECH]

[LELE SCREAMS] - [LOGAN]: Stop, stop!

Guys, I'm not going! And stop jumping! We have termites!

Shut the fuck up and jump with us!

The termites!

[BACH]: Termites? What you mean, termites?

Nobody worried about no goddamn termites.

[SOFA SPRINGS SQUEAK]

[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]

Seriously, everyone needs to stop jumping now!

[SILENCE]

Yo. Stop being a biggity bitch.

OK? - Sorry.

Ain't no termites gonna chew through this floor on my watch.

I ain't gon' let it happen and second off

you ain't gon' tell a black man that he can't jump.

I know my rights, motherfucker, and I'm gon' jump!

I'm gon' jump! I'm gon' jump!

[ALL GROAN]

[NICK]: You guys good? - How did you land like that?

[JUANPA]: It's time to get over your fear of flying, man.

If you won't do it for her, do it for my virginity.

Please. Por favor.

Not gonna happen, buddy. Sorry.

It just would've been fun to tear up Australia with you.

Australia? - Yeah, but it's fine.

I'll just call a hooker. She can do the job.

It's in Australia? - Yeah, bro. Australia!

Imagine all the stuff we can do there, man.

Kangaroos, wallabies, shrimp on the barbie!

Shrimp on the barbie? - Marsupials, motherfucker!

Dingoes eating babies.

And you get to see the girl who lives in your computer.

Real titties, soft nipples, huh?

Hey, you talking about computer titties in there?

Hey, let me tell you something about these Australian hoes.

They crazy. They're like boomerangs.

You throw 'em away

they come right back and suck your dick, mate.

[IN AUSSIE ACCENT]: Hey, can I suck your dick, mate?

I'm like, yeah, you can do it.

But put your back into it.

Alright? - I know I'm gonna regret this.

But let's do it! Yeah!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Yeah! Come on!

Oh! Sh... OK.

Ah! That's amazing, babe!

You're gonna love it here, I promise.

I dunno, I heard Australia's pretty gnarly.

What do you mean?

Like, deadly spiders and snakes and shit.

Oh, yeah, we got a lot of spiders.

But they're not like, everywhere, right?

Yeah, look here.

Ah! - Holy sh...

This is my spider stick. - [HE SQUEALS NERVOUSLY]

You're so brave for coming to Australia, Logan.

I can't believe you're coming. - I'm absolutely terrified.

But I'm coming. - [DOOR KNOCKS]

Crikey, I have to go.

Bye.

[APP POWERS DOWN]

Phew, OK.

Time to say goodbye, old friend.

[BOTTLE]: One more time, for old time's sake?

No! You're making this harder than it has to be.

That's what I was hoping for.

Fine, but don't tell Ariel.

I never would. - Thanks.

[BOTTLE IN DEMONIC VOICE]: That bitch is gonna die!

What? - [BOTTLE]: I mean... uh...

I always knew you could fly.

Anyways, uh, rub me on your cock.

What?

[DEMONIC BOTTLE]: Did I stutter? - No.

Then fucking rub me on your fucking cock!

[BOTTLE SCREAMS GLEEFULLY]

[RADIO PLAYS]

You boys want some water?

No, thanks, man. - No, we good, fam.

I appreciate you. - Maybe some cocaine?

Sure. - What?

Juanpa, what the? What the fuck? - I mean, he's offering.

Shut the fuck up.

You're not doing cocaine on the way to the airport.

Oh, shit, yo, Vitaly's on our flight.

Apparently he's going to Australia to stand trial.

Wait, why is Vitaly going to stand trial?

Look, if you weren't so knee-deep in computer pussy

you'd know what's going on. - [MENACING MUSIC]

I'll take it from here, Blindside.

Welcome to Hell.

[HE CACKLES]

Ooh!

Two for flinching!

[WOMAN]: Bye, Mum! Bye, Dad!

[MOTHER]: Have a great trip.

I'm gonna miss you, Mum. - I'm gonna miss you.

[BACH]: Oh, that's a close family.

Must be European. - Must be nice.

Must be down to fuck.

Hey, y'all wanna adopt a black man?

I'ma go shove this weed in my ass.

I gotta check in with immigration.

You good? - Not really.

Hide your knives, hide your drugs

and hide your liquors cos we searchin' everybody around here.

[SEX TOYS VIBRATE]

[TSA AGENT]: Step out.

Are you in possession of any explosives?

Nope. Just this bomb-ass pussy.

[HE WHEEZES]

How you doing, buddy? That's adorable, that bag.

Thank you. It's actually brand-new.

I just got it from the store. - Oh, yeah?

Yeah. - Cool story, man.

Be... be...

[MACHINE WHIRS]

Come on, man! What the fuck?

Next! - What was that?

Here you go. - Whoa.

[OLD LADY SCREAMS]

My uterus!

Hey, where's Juanpa? - Immigration.

[MEXICAN MUSIC PLAYS] - [CHICKENS CLUCK]

Deported.

Hey, how are ya? Deported.

Puta madre.

Oh, sweet Jesus.

Definitely deported.

Well, hello, young man.

Are you a citizen of these United States of America?

Si.

I smell bullshit. Deported.

No! Ow! Wait!

Look. I wanna have sex! Just send me to Australia.

That can be arranged.

[CHICKEN CLUCKS] - Whoa!

Benny? Oh, my God! Long time, no see.

Um, is he supposed to be sleeping?

Chill, Logan.

[AGENT SNORES] - [MACHINE ALARM BUZZES]

[AGENT]: Bag check.

What? Why?

Sir. - I just have a laptop.

You've been randomly selected by our advanced safety algorithm

for an extensive anal cavity search.

I got 911 reasons not to trust this guy.

[HE MAKES WAR CRY]

Whoa!

You know you're gonna have to X-ray that bird?

Well, he's like a lap dog. He can't fly.

I don't know if that bird is a terrorist.

Check the damn bird.

Thank you.

[BIRD SQUAWKS]

Sir, the bird, it's over three fluid ounces.

You're gonna have to check it.

Come on, he's got scoliosis.

Ma'am, no twerking in my machine.

I wasn't twerking. - I'm just making sure.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

[BIRD CHIRPS]

[MENACING MUSIC]

[DISTORTED DEEP VOICES]

[DISTANT CHILDREN GIGGLE]

[FIREWORK BANGS]

[DISTORTED VOICE]: No!

No! No! Don't make me!

You can't make me!

No! No! No! No!

Ah! Ow! Ah! OK.

OK. I was kidding.

[LELE]: Wait, guys! Wait for me!

[LELE GROANS]

Wait!

Stop! Hey!

Wait!

[HE EXHALES]

Ugh. As passengers in the emergency row

are you willing and capable to assist

in the event of an emergency?

Alright. Good enough.

No! No, I'm fucking not!

Well, luckily for you

the passenger in 2E just passed away

so I can upgrade you to first-class if you like.

Passed away? - Mm-hm.

What do you mean, passed away?

[TENSE MUSIC]

[BRUCE]: One for you.

There you are.

Hi. There you go.

[GIGGLING]: Alright.

There you are, sir. Uh-huh.

Hey, Juanpa. You made it!

They searched my cavities, man.

I've never been to a dentist like this before.

Alright, move it along. Here we go. Keep going

All the way back. - Gracias.

My last taste of America!

[PHONE CHIMES]

Oh, shit.

Oh!

Ah!

Autocorrect?

Are you looking at naked pictures on your phone?

No!

Yeah. Yeah, you were. - No, I... I mean...

Yeah, I was, but it's my mum.

You're staring at a naked photo of your mum?

[HE WHISPERS]: No. Yes. I...

Oh, my gosh.

Technically, yes, it was my mum, technically, yes, she was naked

but it's not like... Fuck.

I don't think we've met. Hi, I'm Logan.

Jenna.

Hi, Logan. I'm Jenna.

What?

OK, well, I'm...

I think we got off on the wrong foot.

Cool.

Really looking forward to the next 17 hours of this.

Yeah, me too.

OK. Let me just move in... - If that helps...

[LISPING]: Welcome aboard Koalair flight 1524

to Sydney, Australia.

"Koal-ity" you can trust. - Trust.

This is your captain, Thrustle, with co-pilot "Peness."

[CO-PILOT]: First of all, it's pronounced "Penis".

I come from a proud Celtic heritage.

I'd like to thank you for choosing Koalair.

We know you have many choices in air travel

and we are always surprised when you choose us.

[CO-PILOT GROANS] - I think that went pretty well.

That was killer enunciation, bro.

You know, I've been taking this new speech therapy class

and I think my lisp is gone.

[LISPING]: I can barely notice it.

You're so handsome. You look just like your daddy.

Even though he ran off with that cheating whore.

But you're so cute!

Yes, you are. We're gonna find you a new daddy.

Yes, we are. With way more money.

So, uh, you going to the social media convention?

Oh, no, I'm visiting my sweetheart from the war.

Aw. - He's on his death bed and...

Oh, I'm sorry. - I promised him one more

ride on the merry-go-round.

Oh, cool.

Oh, by the way, I don't mean to scare you

but I sleep with my eyes open.

[HE LAUGHS]

Hello?

Oh! - Oh.

Oh. - Lick your lips.

Oh! -Uh-oh.

Whoa. Fucking A!

And I was left with these bad boys.

Oh, my God.

You probably think I'm an idiot.

Check this out.

[LOGAN]: Oh, my God!

You have femur scars!

Matching femur scars! - We have matching femur scars.

This is weird. - It is weird.

Most people don't even know what a femur is!

Shh, shh... - How do...?

[BABY CRIES] - [MAN]: Keep it down up there!

How did you get yours?

Not to freak you out, but... plane crash.

Like a... like the fucking...

Uh... What the fuck?

What the fuck is...? - [HE BREATHES HEAVILY]

Ha-ha! I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

No one survives those. No.

[NERVOUS LAUGH]

I like to play out in your head, though, that was funny.

OK. Ahhh! - [SHE LAUGHS]

No. - Ah... You got me good.

You got me good. You have a weird sense of humour.

But I like it.

But how'd that happen actually? - Drug deal went south.

They brought hammers, so...

You... What kind of drugs?

Wow, look at all this leg room.

It's crazy. I can't even reach my tray table.

[HE GRUNTS AND LAUGHS]

Jesus Christ!

[MAN LAUGHS]

Hey, fucking stop having fun!

[UPBEAT TECHNO MUSIC]

[BRUCE, VO]: Mm, look at you, my little floppy-haired Cub Scout.

Ooh...

Am I following along at the right place?

[BRUCE, VO]: That seat back isn't gonna be the only thing

in the upright position. [HE GASPS]

I dunno.

[BRUCE, VO]: I'm gonna break you in like a new pair of sneakers.

Vans. Damn, Daniel.

I'm gonna ride you like a pogo stick

and fill you up like you forgot to say when.

I'm gonna fist you at the Four Seasons pool in broad daylight.

I'll stretch your tight little ass like a goat-skin drum.

I can hear you.

[DISTANT PA ANNOUNCEMENT]

[HE SCREAMS]

[SHE PURRS]

Aww. - Oh, wow.

Stop. Stop!

Hey.

You can do this.

Don't be a little bitch, alright?

Please turn your cellular and electronic devices

to airplane setting.

Hey, fuck that!

I'd rather die than turn my shit off.

[PASSENGERS CHEER]

I'd rather die, so you kill me, motherfucker.

Quick, while we still have service!

[THEY SCREECH]

[MUSIC: "Live Forever" by Hyper]

♪ The world knows it Your girl knows it ♪

♪ You not one of them top dudes ♪

♪ We watch you We know the type ♪

♪ Loud mouth Like a motorbike ♪

♪ I don't know Why we let you live ♪

♪ Chalk it up to an oversight

♪ A real man makes up his mind

♪ He don't cry about it He don't lie about it ♪

♪ Real men live forever

Oh, shit. We're going the wrong way.

Oh, my goodness.

I believe we are going in the wrong direction.

We gotta flip a bitch. - We will now flip a bitch.

The aviation term for turning the plane around.

Coming about!

[MONKEY SQUEAKS]:

Ay! Como estan?

Ah, it's a video! Got your dumb ass.

I fly all the time.

I can't talk right now, Mum, I'm on a fucking plane!

What the hell is going on?

What? Did you spill on the console again?

No, I didn't spill, Dad!

Nos vemos en Australia!

We are getting major satellite interference for some reason.

No, there's no satellite interference. Wait...

Do you think that they...

It's their cellphones!

[THEY GIGGLE]

They didn't turn off their cellphones!

Everyone knows that you put your phone in Airplane Mode.

Don't be so fucking naive, "Peneese"!

My name is Penis! It is a Celtic name!

Goddamn it! What the hell is going on?

Hey, you motherfuckers, turn off your fucking...

[ALARM RINGS]

No!

[ALARM RINGS]

♪ We're gonna live forever

[CHAOTIC NOISE FADES]

Flyin' ain't so bad.

Hey, look at my little doggie.

Aw. - Isn't he cute?

He is. - Yeah.

That's my baby. - He's cute.

Whoa, whoa, yeah. - Oh, no, um...

Who's that shirtless hunk?

I'm getting as far away from that cheating prick as possible

hence Australia.

Oh, damn. My bad.

You know, I know what it's like to be cheated on.

Yeah, this one time, during midterms

this Asian girl kept looking over at all my answers.

Which is ironic, you know, because she's Asian.

I should be cheating off of her.

But I see how that's different

now that the words have come out of my mouth.

What's your Instagram?

I don't have social media.

What do you mean when you say that?

I mean, like, I'd rather just be living my life instead of

worrying if people are gonna like and comment on it.

Wow.

Are you with the "Hashtag-omegacon" thing?

Kind of. No. No. - Wow.

I'm actually going to Australia

to visit my girlfriend for the first time.

[LELE]: Your girlfriend's a computer!

Fuck you, Lele!

Check out how pretty she is. Home screen.

[JENNA]: Whew. Home screen official.

Yeah. She's... she's gorgeous.

[TAPS ON DOOR]

Hey, boys.

Oh, my God.

Whoa. I am so sorry.

Oh, Jesus. Sorry!

Sorry about that. OK.

[SHE GRUNTS]

This would happen to me on my first day.

[SHE SIGHS SHARPLY]

[SHE SQUEALS]

[STEWARDESS]: Attention, all passengers

we have reached our cruising altitude of 38,000 feet.

It is now safe to unfasten your seatbelts.

Unfasten?

You mean... turn up?

[ALL CHEER]

♪ Come, here we go Do the rigmarole ♪

♪ You ain't got a lotta ass You got a little bit though ♪

♪ I press ignore on my phone When I'm sick of a hoe ♪

♪ I take a white bitch Back home ♪

♪ Into my nose

♪ Silva's in the back seat Louis riding shotgun ♪

♪ Girl on the rebound I'm Dennis Rodman ♪

♪ These girls getting mad When they chasing me ♪

♪ True Hollywood story Let's take some E ♪

♪ Friends try to cockblock Like Chris Hansen ♪

♪ Straight to the bathroom I'm done dancin' ♪

♪ Roses in the stall Cos I bring the romance in ♪

♪ I'm on the girls, a 69 Like Charles Manson ♪

♪ Beat's getting louder Sounds like a bullet ♪

♪ Nose full of powder Mouth full of bullshit ♪

♪ Dick never prouder Slathered in girl's spit ♪

♪ Tits fallin' outta Don't stop, it's working ♪

♪ Undress us with your eyes And you can't stop drooling ♪

♪ Keep it in your pants, girl Who are you foolin'? ♪

♪ Let your man give you a flight You'll never forget ♪

[WOMAN MOANS]

[BRUCE, VO]: You can't hear my thoughts.

Yes, I can, Bruce!

[BRUCE, VO]: Stop it.

[SHE HUMS]

Ooh.

[SHE GASPS]

Oh, score! Oh, my God. Alright, well...

Ugh!

Hey, Bulimic, get out of there. That stuff costs money.

What am I... - [HE MOCK-STUTTERS]

I speak goat, too.

[IMITATING A GOAT]: You are a basic bitch.

What if I let you lick one of my nipples?

I wouldn't fuck your brother, even if he was hot.

OK, what about if I told you I had a penis?

Here's the deal. You are, um, a skinny, ratchet-ass basic bitch

who goes to Cancun for spring break

and will put anything in her mouth, got it?

What? - Take your brunette extensions

your skinny, weird, Selena Gomez lookalike bullshit

go get on your phone and go find a cock to suck.

Well... - Shh.

You're a basic bitch. Get out of my liquor.

[BABY BABBLES]

Coffee, sir? - Yes, please.

OK, and how would you like it?

Like I like my women. Black and full of cream.

You kiss like my dad.

Let's just pretend you didn't say that.

OK? - OK.

[COFFEE POURS]

There you go.

The fuck?

You're next.

Hey, guys, just wanted to let you know I didn't see anything.

You're still going?

You're still going at it? OK, sorry.

I still didn't see anything.

[MOTHER]: Oh!

There you are!

Oh, you're an escape artist, just like your daddy.

Mmm. Huh?

Yeah.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Where are my manners? You must be hungry, comrade, huh?

You want some banana? Huh?

You want a little banana? Here you go.

Why don't you eat that, huh? There you go.

Why don't you take that all? Yeah, that's what I thought.

That's what I thought.

You want some cheese, pal? You got cheese in Russia?

Oh, you got a built-in cheese grater right there. Look at you.

Look at you. What does that taste like, borscht?

What else? Oh. Choco Taco, huh?

I hope you're not dairy intolerant there, Ruski.

How's that? Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah!

What the fuck you looking at, Aladdin?

Nothing. What's your problem?

I got no problem, I'm just racist.

I do respect the queers, though. They've been through a lot.

Now you got that gay marriage.

Used to be what they do is illegal.

Now they got shows about it.

I binge-watch 'em.

OK, dude.

Is he still looking? - Yeah.

And that's how I lost 15% of my right testicle.

Yep. A dwarf in a Godzilla costume. Can you imagine?

I don't have to imagine.

You just told me every last detail.

There's nothing more I could possibly learn about your balls.

Oh, you'd be surprised.

They could do a whole 60-minute special on my balls.

Does your Internet girlfriend know about

your deflated testicle?

It's not deflated.

And, no, we have not crossed that bridge yet.

Alright, I'm sorry, I gotta ask

how can you love someone you've never actually met?

She makes me snort.

What?

She's funny. She's got a great sense of humour.

I know it's cheesy, but--

Bro, I could make you snort in two seconds.

No, you could not. OK?

It's practically impossible to make me laugh.

It takes someone creative. It takes someone original.

You gotta make a good joke to make me laugh.

Oh! [LOGAN GIGGLES]

[HE SNORTS]

Aw, does this mean that you love me?

Uh...

[LOGAN SNEEZES]

By the way

thanks for pepping me up earlier.

You know, it may not have seemed like much, but it really helped.

Yeah, yeah, no problem, Logan.

Alright, I'm going to try to get some sleep

and hopefully not dream of "Dwarfzilla."

Or swollen balls.

Yeah. - Am I right?

OK. Goodnight.

I'm gonna... nominate your shoulder as my pillow. OK.

[SHE CLEARS THROAT]

Did you really just wipe your snot on my shoulder?

No.

Is this shit?

Oh, OK, thank God.

[INTENSE ATMOSPHERIC MUSIC]

[BABY GURGLES]

Hey, I have noticed that the seat belt sign has been off

for the last several hours

and I just think that... Oh!

That it's very unprofessional, and unsafe, and...

Jesus Christ, are you gonna suck his dick

all the way to Australia?

Fuck it. I'll finish him off.

[SHE SCREAMS]

[SHE SCREAMS] Oh, my God!

[SHE PANTS HYSTERICALLY]

[SHE PANTS]

We need your assistance in the cockpit, sir.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Sir, we really need your assistance in the cockpit.

You're crazy if you think I'm gonna let this Soviet psychopath

sit back here alone.

Sir, with all due respect, this is more important.

Do you know what this guy's capable of?

He's the reason why you have your privates scanned

at the airport.

And I hate having my privates scanned!

I had my dick lopped off by a pottery wheel!

Now my dick looks like the stump at the end of "The Giving Tree."

Oh...

If you so much as flinch

I will make you a member of the dick stump club.

There are three of us.

We meet on Wednesdays.

Damn it.

What the fuck is on his mouth?

I thought they were just making oral love!

I had no idea that they were... - You had no idea?

You had no idea? - No.

TSA article 1219 clearly states

no pilot shall engage in dick suckery

without a spotter!

What? - Dick suckery?

How would I know that? - Cos that's your job!

Is everything OK? - Hey, go back to your seat.

Sir, please go back to your seat.

Now or I'm gonna taze you till you shit.

What happened to the pilots?

Hey, look, just be quiet, OK?

We don't want the rest of the plane to know

the pilots are dead, and we're fucked.

The pilots are dead?

I came in here... - Holy fucking shit!

and I found them like that

and I was like, "Oh, my God, what do I do?"

And then I went and got him.

Listen. Shut up. Shut up. - And now it's...

Both of you calm down, OK? Listen to me.

Hey, over here. Over here. - OK.

Over here. Listen to me.

OK? I'm trained for situations like this.

You, go get me a car battery, a tourniquet and a bendy straw.

I'll have these zombie pilots flying in no time.

Sir...

We don't have any more bendy straws!

Fuck!

Alright. - We're so fucked.

I'm just gonna have to land this plane myself.

You can fly?

There are two things in my life that I love.

Flying jets and pottery.

I gave my dick for it. - Oh.

I'm gonna land this plane. We're gonna be just fine.

[SHERIFF GRUNTS]

[SHE GASPS]

[LOGAN]: Holy shit!

[LOGAN GROANS]

Ah! - Hey, boss.

Had a bit of radio silence from flight 1524 from Los Angeles.

Oy! Well, you know what they say, silence is golden.

Huh? Especially from Los Angeles.

Bunch of fuckin' hippies.

Hipsters.

What the fuck is Coachella anyway?

Where's my baby?

[BABY GURGLES]

Is that a babby?

Is that a bab...?

Oh, shit.

Have you seen my baby?

A bab!

A baby.

Have you seen my baby?

Have you seen my baby?

What did I find?

Oh, you look starving.

Come on.

Sir.

S... Sir? Hi.

As much as I love that Versace blouse

you cannot breastfeed that baby right here.

[MAN]: Really?

Well, I think I can breastfeed this random baby

wherever the fuck I want.

No, you can't. - OK.

No, you can't. - God gave me nipples.

And I'll be damned if I don't use them, OK?

OK, well, little science lesson

men don't produce breastmilk, incidentally, so...

Oh!

No...

It's a miracle.

Oh, God. You're a squirter.

Yeah, yeah. Milk facial.

Who wants a milk mask?

I did not... Eugh. Sir, I didn't realise.

Open your mouth one more time.

[MAN GRUNTS] - Oh, oh, OK.

[MAN]: What's that? That's not Diet Coke, bitch.

Oh. A little in the mouth.

OK. Never mind. Thank you.

Idiot.

Hi, how are you?

This is my baby.

You want some milk?

I got two of these motherfuckers right here.

[BRUCE WHISTLES A TUNE]

[DISTANT TECHNO MUSIC]

[HE MUFFLES WORDS]

[HE MUFFLES SCREAMS]

[LOGAN SNORTS AND BELCHES]

Oh, shit, I have a boner.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Oh, no, no.

No, sir. Please wake up, sir.

Please wake up, sir.

Please wake up, si... Ah!

Oh, God, sir! OK.

OK. Come on. Please wake up.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

Please wake up, please wake up, please wake up.

Oh, God! No, no, no, no, no!

OK! OK!

Sir, please wake up!

Please wake up, sir.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

[HE INHALES DEEPLY]

[HE BLOWS INTO FACE]

[HE SOBS AND BLOWS]

[HE MOANS]

Please, sir!

Please!

Fuck!

[AFRICAN MUSIC PLAYS]

[BABY GURGLES]

Someday, all of this will be yours.

[MAN]: Get on top of my shit!

Come here! Yeah...

Juanpa. - What do you want?

It's getting to the best part!

She's putting the tongue... oh, look at it.

Oh, yeah.

Damn it, Loge. What do you want, bro? Carajo!

[MAN]: Can I get that crowbar back?

Juanpa, we need to talk.

Now.

Now.

[JUANPA]: Oh, shit.

You're taking a selfie? - Yeah, it's lit.

Oh... Should we try CPR?

No, man, I already tried that.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

So this means you made out with a guy?

Juanpa, this is not the time. - Was it nice?

What? - Must be nice.

Dude! Focus, please!

Yeah, um...

They're actually dead, bro.

Oh, nah, nah, nah.

Wh... What should we do?

I don't know. Maybe someone else has a plan.

Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a good idea, Loge.

Who should we get? Brittany Furlan?

Who wants a body shot? - [MEN]: Me!

Or the guy who makes me doubt my sexuality, huh?

[ROMANTIC MUSIC]

Maybe King Bach. He's your buddy, right?

[RHYTHMIC MUSIC] - Ah! Ah! Ah!

Think straight! - You're right.

Everyone will panic.

[JUANPA]: I need you to figure this out. OK?

I need to put my seed into a woman's vagina before I die.

You go do that. You go do that.

Because I'm probably gonna crash this plane.

OK, one of us has to succeed, OK?

Yeah. OK. - One of us will.

OK. - One of us.

Yes. - Probably you.

[UPBEAT TECHNO MUSIC]

Brittany!

I wanna take a body shot.

OK, come here, bitch.

[LOGAN]: Jenna?

Hey.

Jenna? - [SHE SNORES]

Hey. - Oh, hey, stranger.

Where you been? - Um...

Can we talk for a second?

Are you seriously asking if you can say something to me?

You're talking to me while you say this.

So can we or...?

[IMITATES RADIO]

Amber Alert. We got a missing personality in seat 2E.

Suspect looks like he's been crying.

I'm not crying.

[LOGAN SOBS]

Vitaly killed him and both of the pilots are already dead

and I'm really scared right now

cos no one is flying this plane right now, Jenna

and I'm really scared.

You're the only person I can trust to help.

OK, that's adorable and a really good story

but we land in a few hours, so I'm gonna try to sleep

and you're gonna try to get your shit together.

Please, please, please, Jenna. Please, just follow me, OK?

You need to see this.

These pilots better be dead.

[DRAMATIC SINISTER MUSIC]

Oh, shit.

I jinxed it. - I know, right?

What are the odds?

Hey, you wouldn't by chance know how to drive a 767, would ya?

We're all gonna die! - Calm down! Calm down!

[SHE SCREAMS] - Calm down. Calm down.

Do you know how to drive a 767?

You unlucky bastard! - OK.

Ah!

OK, breathe, Jenna, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe.

OK. Namaste. - Namaste. Yeah, yeah.

That's right. That's good.

There's a murderer on this plane

and I'm gonna have to die with this loser

and all his loser friends but it's fine.

Oh, my God, it's not fine.

I'm not even having a good hair day.

What about my open casket? - Jenna.

This plane will probably fuck my face up!

I need my face! - Jenna! Jenna!

What? - Jenna!

We need to figure this out.

Now, for the last time

do you know how to drive a 767?

No, I don't know how to fly a 767.

Come on.

So, I'm just gonna go back to my seat

and look at pictures of my dog until we crash.

[WORD "CRASH" ECHOES]

Hey, buddy.

I heard you took quite the little crash.

OK, let's see what the problem is.

You puked on my bones!

[DOCTOR]: I'm so sorry.

I don't know what came over me.

Ugh...

Are you OK?

[LOGAN FARTS]

What was that?

The flight attendants! They'll know what to do.

Did you just fart?

But where did they go?

We gotta find 'em.

[THEY GROAN]

[MUFFLED SCREAMS] - Surprise!

[MUFFLED SOBS]

What the hell is wrong with you?

What's wrong? You don't like pranks?

We don't like what? I couldn't understand you. What?

Amber Alert, somebody's missing a sense of humour

down in the luggage!

Amber Alert was my drag name.

[BRUCE SCREAMS]

OK.

So, the flight attendants are nowhere to be found.

But I'm sure everything's gonna be fine, right?

How is it gonna be fine, Logan? - I dunno.

But they're probably figuring out how to save the day.

We're in an emergency right now.

You can't just sit there. We need to do something.

Press this button and the flight attendants will come.

Don't press the button.

That's not for emergencies. That's for fucking water!

Holy shit. - Wow. OK.

At least I have the balls to do something.

Oh, my God. I just hit the jackpot.

How is this all free? - You're a mother!

Oh, fuck! - Give me these.

Jesus! - Damn, you have a baby.

I was supposed to have seven of those, but, you know

taking care of business.

[JUANPA, VO]: You can do it, Logan!

You can do it!

If you won't do it for her, do it for my virginity.

Use your wings, you big pussy!

[WORD "PUSSY" ECHOES]

[JENNA]: What are you doing here?

I'm gonna drive this plane.

Oh.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Do you even know what you're doing?

No, but I'm a fast learner.

Great, well, I hope that wasn't important.

Hey, hey, check it out, I... I think I figured out the radio.

[BENJI]: Air Traffic Control to Flight 1524.

Air Traffic Control to Flight 1524.

Oh, my God. You're there! Hello.

Oy! Benji here!

Been trying to talk to you guys for ages.

Yeah, Benji, we're here, man.

[BENJI]: I take it you're not the pilot.

Uh, no. No. My name is Logan Paul.

You're not a terrorist, are you, mate?

No, I'm a... social media sensation.

We're a bit full of ourselves, aren't we, mates?

Why don't you stroke the tip a bit more? Ooh! Wah!

What?

What happened to the pilots, mate?

They're dead.

No worries, mate. What happened to the flight attendants?

They're missing.

[BENJI]: Slight worries, but don't worry

we'll take care of you.

Really?

Amber Alert, missing flight attendants on Flight 1524.

[BENJI LAUGHS]

What was that? - Aussie joke, mate.

You wouldn't get the reference.

OK. It appears you guys are a bit off course.

So, I'm gonna punch in some new coordinates.

All you have to do is engage the autopilot

and the plane will literally land itself.

That's great news! Yeah!

[BENJI]: You'll be a bloody hero, mate.

Ah! Yeah! Ha-ha!

Now you've gotta raise the autopilot lever

and engage the system. - OK.

What does it look like? - Big orange stick, mate.

Can't miss it.

Um...

Can you be a little more specific?

It literally says "autopilot" right on the thing-o, mate.

Um...

Is that all it says?

Big orange lever!

Centre console. Are you bloody colour blind?

It's the only thing between you and certain death.

I broke it.

I'm sorry, what?

I broke off the autopilot by accident.

Sir?

Sir, are you there?

[BENJI]: Crikey.

It would appear there are now a few more worries

than my original estimate of no worries.

How bad is it?

You're fucked, mate.

Oh, fuck. - Oh, my God.

Oh, my God! - What do you mean, I'm fucked?

That's a great question.

Well, you're all types of fucked!

You're totally fucked!

You're completely fucked.

You're like a parrot getting raped.

[BENJI SQUAWKS] You're fucked!

[MIMICKING PARROT]: I'm fucked!

You're a little boy in a windowless van.

You're fucked and you're gonna die.

Speaking of which, I don't like talking to dead people

it really bums me out.

So I'm gonna cut out early for lunch, if no one minds

and grab a quick bite, right?

Feeling a bit peckish. - I mind!

I definitely do mind! - Well, too bad.

You're gonna be dead soon. Benji out.

Alright, who wants tacos?

What a dick.

How could you break the autopilot?

Hey, it's not like I did it on purpose.

Oh. Oh, you didn't do it on purpose?

Well, that's great. Everything's just fine then, right?

Cos Logan didn't do it on purpose.

Give me this damn thing.

No, no, no, no, no!

[LISPING]: Pay no mind to the sound of struggle.

We are flying as smooth as silk.

[JENNA]: No, they need to know! - Jenna, no, they don't.

I know you're probably terrified right now and I am, too

but what you're doing is not helping.

So, just give me the intercom.

Just, hey...

Fuck!

Hey, guys, if you look to your right and also to your left

you'll notice the vast expanse of the Pacific Ocean.

Oh, the ocean. That's so romantic!

OK, take your fucking shot, Juanpa.

Woo-woo-woo-woo-wooooo!

We have to do something! - Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, it can't be that hard, right?

Well, first, we can move these bodies.

They're really starting to smell.

Yeah. Off we go.

Wow. I'm impressed. - Yeah, moving corpses is easy.

[LOGAN GAGS]

Oh, no, just dry heaves.

OK. - I don't throw up.

[BRITTANY MOANS]

[SHE BURPS AND FARTS] - I'm sorry.

Nice.

Out of my way.

Have you seen my baby?

No?

Oh, your breath stinks.

Have you seen my baby?

Oh, sir! Have you seen my baby?

Your baby's missing? - Yeah.

[HE GASPS]

I know your plight. I'm a new mother myself.

Oh.

I'll help you find him. What does he look like?

Uh... he's a baby. - Right.

And he's white, and he's got little arms.

Is this your baby?

Hey.

Um... I don't think so.

"I don't think so."

Look, lady, I'm not Dog The Fucking Baby Hunter.

OK, this baby that I found

simply doesn't have the wherewithal to raise itself

and that's where I come in.

That really looks...

Why you touch baby?

Who do you think you are?

Walking around drunk around this plane losing babies?

You smell like Jack Daniels's dick.

I'm so sorry.

You get the fuck out of our face.

And you leave us alone.

Why do men hate me so much?

Because it's so easy.

[SHE SOBS]

Boo fucking hoo!

[FLIGHT ATTENDANTS WHIMPER]

Do you know what would be a hilarious prank?

[THEY SCREAM]

If we poison every passenger on this plane.

No! No!

Tell me where the emergency oxygen supply is.

Never. - Never?

Never. Never. - Never?

Never? - No.

Tell me how I access the oxygen

or I'll feed this dog cat food.

No! - No!

Oh, my God! No!

No! Oh, my God, you wouldn't!

Oh, God! That poor dog!

No!

[VITALY]: Good doggy. Mmm.

No! No, he's not supposed to eat that! No!

It's in the safety glass by the door!

No, why did you tell him, you bitch?

You're gonna pay for that. - Thank you.

Thank you.

[BRUCE]: You're gonna pay for that.

[BRUCE SOBS]

Oh, God, no!

[FLIGHT ATTENDANTS SCREAM]

One for me!

[THEY SCREAM]

One for you.

[BRUCE]: What are you doing?

By the way, it was dog food the whole time! Ha!

What kind of a man feeds a dog cat food?

[BRUCE]: No!

How sick do you think I am?

[HE SCREAMS]

It's just a prank! Ha!

You're probably not gonna believe me when I tell you this

but... - What?

You know, most people think I'm this huge slut.

[SHE CHUCKLES]

But I've actually never even been with a man before.

Really? - Mm.

Maybe I can help you with that.

I've got some experience in that arena.

[SHE SNORTS]

Aren't you, like, 16? - 17.

Oh, sorry, 17. My God, you're still illegal.

Hey, so what? We're all gonna die!

What?

OK, look, my dick can't handle any more.

The pilots are dead and Logan's flying the plane.

[SHE LAUGHS] - What?

You're so cute, and funny, and Mexican.

It's not funny. I took a picture.

Who's flying the plane?

Logan's flying the fucking plane, alright?

Listen, we've got nothing else left to lose.

This is either the most elaborate pick-up line

I've ever heard or we are really all gonna die.

Either way, you're fucked.

Good point.

[UPBEAT MEXICAN MUSIC]

Oh, my God!

[CONSOLE BEEPS]

The fuck is going on back there?

Man, how the fuck you sleeping through this?

Wake your ass up.

We 'bout to go down in this bitch.

Wait, wait. I'm not on the pill.

Neither am I. Neither am I.

[SHE MOANS]

Oh!

Ah!

[BACH SCREAMS]

Ay, cabron! Ay, papi! - Te amo, te amo!

[ALL SCREAM]

[THEY SPEAK SPANISH]

There's a solution to any problem.

A wise woman once said, "Shake it off."

[SHE SCREAMS]

Simba!

Ay, Tapatio!

No!

Give this video a thumbs up!

Gimme that selfie stick!

Gimme that selfie stick!

This is what panicking looks like!

[THEY CROSS-TALK] - [LOGAN YELLS]

[ALL SCREAM]

[ALARM BUZZES]

Yo, Flight 1524! We out here!

Your boy, King Bach! It's the movie star!

Follow me on Twitter! At me...

Fuck you, Vitaly!

Brittany?

Brittany?

Brittany, wake up.

Wake up, wake up.

You're being selfish!

I need this! I can't die a virgin.

[HE SHOUTS]

Jesus, Maria! Are you there?

Leave Brittany alone!

Hey, guys, Nick Bateman here.

Now, all my life, people have been telling me

I'm really good-looking.

That I turn straight guys gay

lesbians straight

gay guys... gayer.

But you know what?

There's more to me than just a pretty face.

I'm also a junior pilot. - [PASSENGERS GASP]

Now, I don't know what's going on back there

but I'm either gonna save the day

or die trying.

Fuck yeah, man!

Fuckin' do it!

Hoo-rah! - [ALL]: Hoo-rah!

Yeah! Let's do this! Let's do this!

[HE SNIFFS]

[VITALY]: Hey, you. Yakuza!

Did you see anything? Hmm?

Jackie Chan?

Jackie?

You? You see anything?

No? Shh.

[VITALY ON INTERCOM]: Hello, everybody

it's the homosexual flight helper.

The cabin pressure's still so low.

Please put your oxygen masks back on.

Thank you.

What...?

[BRUCE, VO]: Don't do it, Logan.

Vitaly Cosby-ed the oxygen supply.

God speed, my little cream pie.

Jenna, wait, don't put that on.

Why?

Something's wrong with the oxygen.

How do you know?

I hear gay people.

I have to go find him.

Logan, no! Please!

Don't!

Damn it.

Hey, you! - [LOGAN GROANS]

[AIR HISSES] - [VITALY GRUNTS]

[LOGAN YELLS]

Ah! My dick!

[BOTH YELL]

[BOTH YELL]

Ha!

Ah! My asshole! My asshole!

Ow! I think it turned inside out!

Oh, my God!

Nick!

[THEY MOAN AND GRUNT]

[BOTTLE SMASHES]

Not the vodka!

Ow! Wha...!

Oh, shit!

Holy shit! What the hell are you doing?

Completing my master prank.

There is no social media convention.

With all of you dead

all of your followers will be mine.

Imagine the power.

Wait! You've been pranked.

What are you talking about?

It was just all a prank, bro. Look closely.

All these people are acting. See?

Look at this guy.

"Hallo. I'm OK. You have been pranked."

Nick? - See?

Even that girl's in on it.

[LOGAN]: Fuck you, Vitaly!

[EARS RING]

Oh, shit. I have a boner.

Wake up, you chiselled brute.

We are so fucking Mcfucked.

This crazy Russian, he's gonna crash the plane

and he threw out all the parachutes except one.

Holy shit.

Is that dog eating cat food?

Logan, baby...

it's dog food in a cat food can.

Oh, thank God.

Mm.

With a hint of Nick Bateman.

It's just a prank, bro.

But I can assure you, your death will be very real.

Thanks for covering my tracks, Logan Paul.

I owe you one.

No, no, no, no. Not the button.

No! Oh, God, no! No!

[BRUCE SCREAMS]

If I die, I'm taking you with me, you fuck!

[LOGAN SCREAMS]

Oh, God! I'm only 23! Sorta. Oh!

[BOTH YELL]

I can't hold on anymore!

[LOGAN SCREAMS]

Tell my boyfriend Steve to hide all the pornography!

[LOGAN]: Maverick! No!

Maverick!

Maverick!

That's my bird!

[ALARM BUZZES] - [BIRD CHIRPS]

Oh, God, thank you!

We're all together.

Hey, hey. It's OK. Hey.

[BRUCE, VO]: Save the day, cum sponge.

[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC] - Hey, Bruce.

Any final advice on how to land this plane?

If you can get to the cockpit, engage the autopilot.

The plane will literally land itself.

OK. - [NERVOUS LAUGH]

[ALARM BUZZES]

Vitaly, where's Jenna?

[HE YELLS]

[PLANE ENGINE ROARS]

[HEROIC MUSIC]

[JENNA SCREAMS]

Nice try. Ha!

Jenna, I am so sorry!

I thought I could jump-kick Vitaly and save the day

and it'd be really... - Just shut up and stop him!

Here.

[LOGAN YELLS]

I hope you die!

This is just a flesh wound.

Have a safe flight... Captain.

Eugh!

Oh, shit!

You'll be missed!

Do you get it?

The jet engine turned him into mist!

OK.

You've got a plane to land.

I got this.

I don't got this! - Oh, no, you do got this.

I don't know if I got this.

I mean, if you don't got this, then who got this?

I guess I'ma need to get this!

Oh, this best gon' get got then!

Well, if it's best gon' get got

then ain't nobody better to go and get this then, get me?

You gotta get it while the goin's good.

Oh, the goin's good

and I'ma get it while the good is get.

You gotsta get it! - I'm gon' get it!

What the fuck are you people talking about?

Get out there. Come on.

I'ma get it. - You're gonna get it.

[ALARM BLARES] - [PASSENGERS SCREAM]

OK.

[JUANPA, VO]: You can do it, Logan!

You can do it!

You're not supposed to look down.

Just do it.

It's gonna go on YouTube.

[WORD "YOUTUBE" ECHOES]

You two! You two!

You two need to land this fucking plane!

I did not get laid, Logan!

[JUANPA SPEAKS SPANISH]

Jenna, do you have service yet?

Uh... Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Here.

Oh, this is great service.

Go and get the last scoop out of the carton.

With the Squatty Potty, you get complete elimination.

Well, skip the ad! - I can't! It won't let me!

Yes, it will give you the best poop of your life.

Guaranteed.

Ah! If I die cos of this shit...!

Mm, they're good at pooping.

Hey, guys, it's Connor.

Today, I'm gonna be teaching you

how to land a passenger jet.

Flying is easy

and with the right education and guidelines

almost anyone can learn the secrets of flight.

Amazing. - It's easy.

All you have to do is pay attention and--

No one's gonna watch your stupid video.

Leave me alone, Becky!

Fuck you, Becky!

I'm telling Mum about your abortion!

Fuck you!

[CONNOR]: Cool. OK. Here are the basics.

This is the yoke, it's like the steering wheel.

But here's the thing you need to know.

The controls are inverted, so up is down

and down is up.

Oh.

This knob controls the flaps.

The flaps give the plane lift and drag.

When landing, you want the flaps fully extended.

Remember, we're going for maximum air resistance.

Turn the knob. - OK. OK.

The most important part of landing is, of course, the...

Connor, your sister said you're looking at anime porn again.

She's lying. - That's gross.

Goddammit, Connor! - Fuck you, Becky.

When you get your own house, you can masturbate then.

OK, let's just skip ahead here. - Yeah, skip ahead.

Once you've done that, it's time to engage the autopilot.

The plane will literally land itself.

How cool is that?

It's OK.

Ah, my phone!

OK.

Hey, what's that? What...?

[PLANE WHIRS]

[BENJI, VO]: By the grace of Steve Irwin

you're still magically on course.

Way to go, mate! - Benji? Is that you?

Sure is, mate.

And by the look of it, you're still not out of the woods yet.

What?

You're still quite fucked. - How fucked?

Mate, you're missing an engine, you're running out of fuel

and you're dropping like a dead albatross with diabetes.

Normally, I'd say...

"Check the cross winds 20 knots from the southeast,"

but I bet my last dollareedoo

you don't understand a word of that.

Yeah, no shit I don't, Benji!

Just try to land on the white line, fly straight

and pray you don't explode on contact.

And Logan. - [LOGAN]: What?

You owe me a dollaredoo.

I fucking hate you, Benji!

Oy, lose the 'tude, mate.

Benji, I swear to God, if I survive this, I'm gonna...

[BENJI]: Oy! Wait a second.

Would you look at that?

That koala looks like Hugh Jackman!

I gotta go bag me that koala!

Man the fort, Hansen!

Fuck the baby. I don't want to die.

[PASSENGERS SCREAM]

[LOGAN YELLS]

[BOTH SCREAM]

[LOGAN SCREAMS]

Get this fucking monkey off me!

[JENNA SHRIEKS] - [LOGAN]: Don't touch her!

Ow!

[PASSENGERS SCREAM]

Oh, my God, Logan! Logan!

Logan, we landed! - What?

We landed! - Oh, shit!

We're on the ground! - [JENNA SCREECHES]

We did it!

Wait, we're not stopping. Why aren't we stopping?

All you have to do... - [BOTH]: Connor!

OK.

Once you've landed, you're gonna wanna

hit the brakes with both feet.

Air brakes. - [BOTH SCREAM]

[LOGAN SCREAMS]

Thanks for watching and don't forget to subscribe.

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERS]

Oh, my God. You did it!

No, Jenna. We did it.

Please don't ruin the moment with your cheesy bullshit.

[EXPLOSION]

We should probably get off this thing.

Following a hijacking and an engine failure

onboard flight 1524

an incredible chain of events has led to the rescue...

Fuck her right in the pussy!

[LELE SCREAMS]

[BENJI]: Oy, mate!

Benji?

You're actually alive!

I owe you a dollareedoo.

Quiet back there.

Genuinely surprised to see you alive.

Took a lot of guts to do what you did today.

Midnight oil!

Hey, buddy! - Hey, man.

So?

I failed, Loge!

Aw. - I failed.

Aw, come on. - I guess blue balls is real.

It hurts! It hurts, man.

Hey. Hey, don't say that, man.

You're still alive. - I guess.

Your foreign exchange brother is still a virgin!

Nah, man.

My brother is still a virgin.

Such a tender moment.

Hey.

Hey.

Por que?

[HE YELLS]

Eugene! Is that really you?

It's been 70 years.

The last orgasm I had was in Normandy

in your mouth.

Consider it VD Day!

Bombs away! - Ah-ha!

Uh, so Australia's pretty nice, huh?

[BRITTANY]: Yeah.

Yeah...

Um... Does that, like, hurt? - Ow.

Oh. - No, I'm fine.

I got a bandage.

You did good, driving that plane.

Thanks. Couldn't have done it without my co-pilot.

What did I tell you about being cheesy?

To just not be cheesy. - Yeah. Definitely stop.

[BABY CRIES]

So I've looked everywhere and...

I can't find him.

Oh.

I think it's safe to say that your baby's gone.

[EMOTIONAL MUSIC]

Have you considered adoption maybe?

I mean, no, I...

I thought I'd find him on the plane, you know?

Right.

That's horrible.

Well, here's some good news.

When that plane was going down and I thought we were all dead

I had one split-second to ejaculate into this Tupperware

so I could let my seed live on.

I made this out of my penis.

Put it in your vagina.

Make a new baby.

Oh, my God.

This is the nicest thing any man's ever done for me.

It's pretty great.

Thank you.

But it still doesn't bring my baby back.

What, your old baby? - Yeah.

This is a brand new baby.

You ungrateful "fitch".

Give me my seed back. You don't deserve it.

You do not deserve...

Ahh.

No, I'm sorry! Spit it out! Spit it out!

Put it back in my vagina! - Too late!

It's too late! - I'm sorry!

You wasted my seed! - No! I'm sorry!

Put it back in my vagina, please!

Please! Please!

[HE LAUGHS]

It's going back into my penis.

I can feel it.

I have nothing else to live for.

I'm getting hard!

So I guess this is goodbye.

Yep, I hope everything works out with your girlfriend.

That was really brave. Come here. Let me see.

Bye.

[MAN]: Thank you so much. I woke up on the toilet.

Jenna, wait.

[JUANPA]: Thank you so much.

I don't even know you people.

I'm your brother. - I know you.

[LOGAN]: OK. Here we go.

You're excited?

Yeah.

This is it, right? - This is it.

This is it.

Are you sure about this?

I've never been so sure about anything in my life.

Logan!

Hey! Yeah, it's me! I'm... Logan.

Wait, you're not Logan.

You sound different.

Yeah.

I'm his foreign exchange brother, Juanpa!

Mexico.

So?

And I have an accent.

[HE CLEARS THROAT]

[SHE SIGHS]

[BOTH SCREAM]

What?

No, I can't understand you, though.

Can you say that again? - [BONGO DRUMS PLAY]

One more time. Just say it one more time.

OK, don't say anything cheesy.

Jenna?

It took me travelling halfway around the world

to realise the person I love...

[JENNA]: Sorry, your accent is just gnarly.

Can you please just repeat yourself?

Uh... I guess you worked out everything with your boyfriend.

Oh, yeah, the guac is extra. I got it.

I got it. I got it.

[SHIRTLESS MAN, VO]: Who was that guy? He was fucking hot.

You're gay.

You're a gay man, yeah!

Oh, my God! So are you!

No, no. I'm here for her.

Logan?

[SHIRTLESS MAN, VO]: Wait! Just one kiss. It's all I ask.

OK. Fine.

But then you have to leave.

[SHIRTLESS MAN, VO]: Again.

Wait, how did you hear my thoughts?

[BONGO DRUMS PLAY]

Wow, yeah, I guess I always thought you were a little bit--

[UPBEAT TECHNO MUSIC]

[THEY MOAN AND GROAN]

Yeah! Take it off! - Yeah.

Hurry up. - I will, I will.

[ARIEL MOANS]

Holy shit. - Hurry up!

Why can't you get it off? - Yeah, yeah, I got it.

[SHE SHRIEKS]

Wait, it's... ooh, wait, stop. - Sorry.

Is this the right hole?

No, no, no, no, no. - No? No? No? Yes?

No? OK. - There it is. Yeah!

No? This one? OK. - Right there.

OK. OK.

Ah... - Jampa. Jampa!

Oh!

This feels amazing! - I love your accent.

I love youraccent.

Talk dirty to me in Mexican. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

[IN SPANISH]:

[ARIEL REPEATS IN SPANISH]

[ARIEL REPEATS IN SPANISH]

[ARIEL REPEATS IN SPANISH]

Yeah!

Wait, I have to know.

What happened? Like, did she have a penis?

[ARIEL SCREAMS LOUDLY]

[SHE CACKLES]

What the fuck?

Daddy! I thought you were gone!

Ah! Oh, my God, your dad is black!

I mean, that's cool. He's black.

I can't stop.

I can't stop!

[HE GROANS AND GRUNTS]

[ARIEL]: Daddy! - [JUANPA YELLS]

Your dad is black! - I'm adopted.

Oh, my God. I'm adopted, too.

We have so much in common. - Yeah!

I'ma kill your adopted ass!

I love you, Jampa! - It's pronounced "Juanpa"!

I'll "whompa" your ass! - Run, Jampa! Run!

Daddy, stop! Run! Go, go!

Deuces!

[JUANPA GROANS] [HE SCREAMS]

Get it off! Please!

I love you, Jampa!

I love you, my Aussie princess!

You're just like your mother.

I love you so much! - Put your clothes on.

I have clothes on!

Nice to meet you, sir!

I'm gonna cut your dick off and feed it to the drop bears.

Motherfucker, I'm gonna kill you!

Daddy, stop it! - Get back here!

Run, Jampa! Run!

[JENNA SIGHS]

Well, not bad.

[MUSIC: "Turn It Up" by Raphael Lake]

♪ Turn it up

♪ Turn it up

Mr Kangaroo, I just had sex!

Go tell all your kangaroo friends I just had sex!

Come on, give me a fist bump.

Alright, let's go! Let's go, baby! Let's celebrate!

Today, we're gonna learn how to make a hang glider

out of cardboard, duct tape, and a chin-up bar.

No one's gonna watch your stupid videos, Connor!

Logan Paul! - You're a fucking hero, Connor.

Oh, my God, Logan! - Shut up, Becky!

Let's make that hang glider, buddy.

Yeah!

[CONNOR SCREAMS]

Ah! My femurs!

I can see my bones!

♪ Turn it up

♪ Turn it up

♪ Turn it up

♪ Turn it up

[HE SCREAMS]

Whoo! [HE LAUGHS]

Oh...

Bitch, you saved my life!