Original subtitles

(thunder rumbling)

(eerie music)

(ominous music)

- Is that where she keeps it?

- Mm-hmm.

(lively pop music)

(suspenseful music)

(thunder rumbling) (assailant yelling)

(dramatic music)

(blows thudding) (assailants yelling)

(swords clanging) (combatants exclaiming)

(dramatic music)

(Deathstalker yelling)

(blows thudding) (combatants exclaiming)

(Deathstalker chuckles)

(swords clanging) (combatants exclaiming)

(assailant groaning)

(dramatic music)

(combatants exclaiming)

(guard groaning)

(thunder rumbling)

(Deathstalker grunting)

(thunder rumbling)

(horse neighing)

Come on, come on, hya!

- I'll have my revenge, and Deathstalker too.

(dramatic music) (flames crackling)

(ominous music) (flames crackling)

(slow jazz music)

(dramatic music) (flames crackling)

- [Evie] Let me go, let me go!

- [Guard] Quiet, or you'll eat steel for dinner.

- [Evie] Looks like you've eaten everything else.

- [Guard] Shut up, you little wench.

This town's got no room for beggars!

- I am not a beggar, I'm a seer, even the king knows that.

- [Guard] All too well, girl.

You're lucky to get away with your life.

- Look, his highness asked for a prophecy,

and that's what he got.

In my kingdom, a man would delight to learn

his wife would soon be with child.

- [Guard] But not by another man, eh, Marco?

- I call them as I see them, good or bad.

- [Guard] Even I can predict what's gonna happen to you.

- Give me a break.

How's an oracle supposed to make a living?

- [Guard] The king wants you off the castle grounds, now!

- You can't treat me like this, I'm a princess!

- [Guard] Right, right, I'm Merlin the magician!

- Yeah! - Now, be off with you,

Princess of beggars.

- You'll be sorry!

- [Guard] You're the one that's gonna be sorry.

- [Guard] Let's get her!

(Evie screaming)

- Here.

(guards laughing)

You know, boys--

- [Guard] Who the hell are you?

- Ordinarily, I don't mind seeing a woman

get a good beating, if she deserves it.

- [Guard] Yeah?

- But this doesn't look like much of a contest to me.

- [Guard] You picked the wrong town to stop in, stranger.

- [Guard] He's gonna stop here permanently.

- [Guard] You know who we are?

- The village idiot and the two runners-up?

- [Guard] Get him!

(dramatic music)

(blows thudding) (guards groaning)

- [Guard] Yeah! (exclaiming)

(guards groaning) (blows thudding)

- [Guard] Hey, take it easy, I don't even know these guys.

(guard grunts)

(spear thuds)

- Hi.

- Hello.

(upbeat music) (people laughing)

(people exclaiming)

(jewelry jingling) (people laughing)

- Whoa! (laughing)

(Deathstalker and women laughing)

Oh, guess what I'm into.

(monster snorting) (people chattering)

(people laughing and exclaiming)

(monster slurping)

(people laughing)

Now, I got a nice, big room upstairs.

(man with eye patch wolf whistles)

What do you say, the three of us go up there and--

- I need to talk to you.

- Line forms to the right.

- You gotta help me!

- One rescue a day, that's my policy.

- It's a matter of life and death.

- Do the words "walk east till your hat floats"

mean anything to you?

- [Guard] Hey you, Princess, I thought we told you

to get out of town.

(blows thudding) (Evie groaning)

(clattering) (lighthearted music)

(blows thudding) (combatants exclaiming)

(pottery clattering)

(blows thudding) (combatants exclaiming)

Away with you!

(clattering) (people exclaiming)

(blows thudding) (combatants grunting)

(pottery clattering)

(blows thudding) (combatants exclaiming)

(objects clattering) (combatant groaning)

- Whoa!

(blow thudding) (people exclaiming)

(blows thudding) (combatants exclaiming)

(blow thudding)

(Deathstalker yelling)

(blow thudding) (giant snarling)

(people exclaiming) (lighthearted music)

- [Man] Yeah!

- [Man] What are you doing?

- [Man] No, ah, no!

- [Man] Look out!

- Behind you!

(combatants exclaiming)

(giant snarling)

(bottle clattering) (giant moaning)

- [Man] Wow, look out!

(blows thudding) (combatants exclaiming)

- [Deathstalker] Ah, come and get some!

(people yelling)

- No, no! (window clattering)

- Come on, come on, the back door, let's go!

(lighthearted music) (people exclaiming)

(furniture clattering)

(people exclaiming)

- There you go! (furniture clattering)

(dancer screaming)

(blows thudding) (combatants exclaiming)

(people screaming faintly) (footsteps echoing)

- Let's get outta here!

(dramatic music) (people exclaiming)

- [Guard] After them!

- [Guard] Seal off the fence!

(people yelling)

- [Guard] Hyah, hyah!

(dramatic music) (hoofbeats pounding)

- Yah! - Huh!

(dramatic music) (hoofbeats pounding)

(guards whooping)

(dramatic music)

(owls hooting) (hoofbeats pounding)

- I'm Evie.

- Deathstalker.

- Deathstalker? - Uh- huh.

- Is that your first name or your last name?

(dramatic music) (hoofbeats pounding)

(arrow whooshing) They're gaining!

(arrow whooshing)

(arrows whooshing)

You're good.

- Helps in my line of work.

- What line of work is that?

- Oh, I like to call it the wealth redistribution business.

- Oh, so you rob from the rich and give to the poor?

- No, I rob from the rich and pretty much keep it.

- Do you think we lost 'em?

- (scoffs) You gotta get up pretty early in the morning

to catch the prince of thieves.

(arrow thuds) (dramatic music)

- It is pretty early in the morning!

- [Deathstalker] Hyah, hyah!

- Hyah! - Hyah, hyah!

- Hyah! - Hyah!

- Hyah! - Hup!

- Ho! - Hyah!

- [Guard] Hyha!

(dramatic music) (hoofbeats pounding)

- [Guard] Hold it, which way did they go?

- I don't know. - You go north.

I'll head south.

- [Guard] I'll double back, we'll meet here, but find him!

- Hyah! - Hyah!

- [Guard] Hyep, hyep, hyah!

- [Guard] Yah, hyah!

(light music)

- Yep, I think we finally lost em.

I'm starvin'. - Just a second.

- [Deathstalker] Haven't had a thing to eat

since last night at Aboud's.

(liquid sloshing)

- Here, try it, it's my specialty.

- Oh, your specialty, huh?

- Like it?

- Mm, good, very good.

Um, can I have some water too, please?

(Deathstalker spitting)

Thank you, that was great, great.

- Boy, you must have really been hungry!

- Mm-hmm. - More?

- Oh, no, couldn't eat another bite,

couldn't eat another bite.

- I know I kinda messed things up for you before.

(Deathstalker spits)

- (coughing) Excuse me, just struck me funny.

- But I'm willing to make it up to you.

- I'm listenin'. - I can tell your future.

No, really, I'm a seer.

It's a gift I've had since childhood.

Okay, things can't get much worse, I guess, shoot.

- Spirits of tomorrow, hear my call!

(explosion booming)

- Wanna keep that to a minimum?

- I see you embarking on a heroic quest.

It shall become legend!

And storytellers shall recount your many exploits

down through the ages.

- Well, I sure hope they get my name right.

- An image is coming to me.

Yes, I see it so clear, a young woman.

No, a princess.

- A princess, is she rich?

- She's calling to you.

"Help me, help me, Deathstalker!

"Only you can save me!"

- She's in trouble?

- Oh, big trouble, a matter of life or death.

(Evie gasps)

- What?

- I see someone else, dark and evil.

This is bad, this is real bad.

The princess is being imprisoned by Jarek, an evil sorcerer.

- Are there any other kind?

- He's also a great swordsman,

even greater than Deathstalker.

- Better than me? - Wait!

He's laughing at you.

"Come and get me, Deathstalker, if you dare."

- What, this sorcerer, where do I find him?

- In the land of Jafir.

- Where the hell's that?

- Oh, it's a long and perilous journey.

- Oh, it figures. - Many dangers,

witches, dragons, ogres.

- Must cut down on the tourist trade.

- You shall confront them all,

emerge victorious, and reap a fabulous reward.

The all-seeing eye never lies.

- (chuckling) And this is gonna get me into the legends?

- Right up there with Conan.

(Deathstalker laughing)

(Evie moaning)

- Whoa!

Uh, heh, sorry.

You all right? - Yes.

- Well, what about the reward?

- When I know more, you'll know more.

- Well, that settles it then, I'm out of here.

- [Evie] Where you goin'?

- Let's go. (sword rattles)

I'm not gettin' any younger.

- Go?

To Jafir, now?

- You got it, sis.

- Wait a minute, well, wait a minute.

There's still more soup!

(ominous music) (wolves howling)

(someone wailing)

(blow thudding) (man grunting)

(ominous music)

- Next.

- Have you found the princess yet?

- I'm working on it, she won't get far.

(swords clanging) (combatants grunting)

- You should have never let her escape.

She might come back and take the throne.

- A waif pretending to be a princess?

Who would believe it?

- Why don't you just kill her?

- Evie, darling, we've gone over this a dozen times before.

(masked man grunting) (sword whooshing)

I created you from the original soul of the princess.

An exact duplicate in all respects.

Unfortunately, I haven't had time to work out the bugs.

(swords clanging) (masked man grunting)

(masked man groans) In other words, if she dies--

(masked man groans)

(body thuds) You die.

Once I've made a few minor adjustments in the formula,

I can duplicate anyone, then eliminate the original.

Now my dear, please run along.

These brief practice sessions are the only leisure

I allow myself, and I enjoy them so much more alone.

- I'll be in my chamber, waiting.

- As you wish, my dear, as you wish.

Next! (fighter groaning)

Sultana.

- You know how I hate standing in line.

- You look marvelous, lovely as a rose.

- We can dispense with pleasantries, if you don't mind.

After what you've done to me,

I'd hardly call this visit a pleasure.

- Whatever do you mean, my dear?

- You never would have been able

to put that little blonde bitch of yours up on the throne

without my help, let alone get rid of the real one.

- You were paid handsomely.

- I did not come here to bicker with you, Jarek, my dear.

I have a proposition for you.

You wish to have the Princess Evie returned to you.

I wish to settle a score with a certain varlet

who is escorting her back here.

- I have a man shadowing them now.

Doubtless, you'll remember Chin the Buccaneer?

- Chin, the one-eyed?

The man's a second-rate amateur.

- In any event, you will assist him, Evie is mine.

And the meddler? - Deathstalker.

- Deathstalker?

Oh, very well, he's yours, enjoy.

- Done.

- Always a pleasure, Sultana. - Likewise, I'm sure.

- [Jarek] Next!

(dramatic music)

(birds twittering)

- Which way, oh mighty oracle?

- Why do they call you the Prince of Thieves?

- 'Cause I'm the best.

- [Evie] But you're not a real prince.

- Which way?

- The west road!

- Are you sure? - Absolutely!

The crystal ball never lets me down.

The west road!

- Sure, west road it is.

- [Evie] If you had a chance to marry a real princess,

would you do it?

- [Deathstalker] No, I wouldn't.

- Why not? - Because being a princess

brings out the worst in a woman.

They just whine and pout, act like a spoiled little brat

if they don't get their own way all the time.

(festive music)

- Give it to me, Chin, what do you got?

- Deathstalker's as good as in the grave.

- Look, sailor, don't carve a tombstone so readily.

He has as many lives as a cat.

And remember, the last one belongs to me.

- If he's made of flesh and blood, he can die.

- Never underestimate the strength of an enemy.

Especially an accomplished fighter like Stalker.

- You telling me how to do my job, Sultana?

- Just giving you some friendly advice.

- Well, keep it to yourself.

I'll bring Stalker to you on a platter,

like a piece of raw meat.

- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah, I've got just the butchers to do it.

Say hello to crazy Otto Reingold, the mad Prussian,

solely responsible for the Lemurian massacres

that killed hundreds and left thousands homeless.

I'm sure you recognize Ed the Head Schumanski,

five years on the Genghis Khan strike force,

part-time consultant to Attila the Hun.

Next, John The Baptist Bombasso.

Drowning's his specialty.

Beside him, Nick the Crippler of Kashmir.

I think his name says it all.

And last but not least, the real find,

Buddy Footstool Laroza, only recently dismissed

by Ivan the Terrible. for excessive brutality.

Still skeptical?

- You bet I am.

- Suit yourself.

Come on, boys. (downbeat music)

(somber music)

Okay, men, let him have it!

(explosions booming) (dramatic music)

(arrows whooshing)

(explosions booming)

Close, men, but don't kill, not yet.

(explosions booming)

(arrows whooshing) (explosions booming)

(Chin laughing)

(explosions booming)

(horse whinnies)

- I think we better find another way.

- Oh, really, you think so?

West road, right!

I oughta-- (explosion booming)

- Who are they?

- You tell me, you're the seer.

- Well, they're trying to kill us.

- Somebody give the lady a cigar.

Look, if they were tryin' to kill us,

they could have done it way back down the road.

No, they're, they're after somethin'.

You sure you're telling me everything?

- I told you it was gonna be

a long and perilous journey, didn't I?

- Yeah, yeah, witches, ogres, all that bad stuff.

(explosions booming)

(arrows whooshing) (explosions booming)

You and your visions.

(explosion booming)

I knew these would come in handy.

- Where you goin'?

- Just stay put.

- I wanna help.

- You've done plenty already.

(explosions booming)

- (laughing) That'll be fine, boys, save your arrows.

(flames crackling)

(suspenseful music)

(dramatic music) (hooded man grunts)

(hooded man groaning)

(suspenseful music)

(dramatic music) (Buddy yelling)

(explosion booming)

(flames crackling)

(Deathstalker scoffs appreciatively)

(suspenseful music)

(Ed yelling)

(Ed grunting)

(Ed screaming)

(Ed gurgling)

(suspenseful music)

- Stalker?

Stalker!

(Otto yelling) (swords clanging)

(Otto groaning) (dramatic music)

(suspenseful music)

(assailant yelling) (Evie screaming)

- Huh?

(sword rasping)

Throw your sword down, or I'll cut her pretty little throat.

- Go ahead, cut it.

- You rat!

(dramatic music) (attacker groaning)

You were gonna let him kill me!

- Now would I do a thing like that?

(sword clanging)

Come on, let's go find that horse

and get the hell out of here.

Oh, and uh, would you mind taking that knife

out of that guy for me?

It's the only one I got left.

(lighthearted music)

- Ew!

Wait a minute!

- What do you want now? - Were you really

gonna let him kill me?

Deathstalker, you weren't really gonna

let him kill me, were you, huh?

No, you wouldn't do that, Deathstalker!

(ominous music) (water burbling)

- Ah, you're back, minus the fearless five. (tuts)

You should have listened to me.

- You wanna bitch, bitch to Jarek.

I'm calling him right now.

(object jingling)

(object thudding)

- What news have you? - Bad news, Lord Jarek.

- I hate bad news, it spoils my day.

- I got an idea.

- Come closer.

- I'll kill that son of a bitch if it kills me.

- You may rest assured that it will.

(dramatic music) (Chin groaning)

(water burbling)

- So long, sailor.

(ominous music)

(object plops in water)

(Jarek maniacally laughing)

- [Deathstalker] Well, look what we have here.

(wolf howling)

- Spooky, huh?

- Yeah.

(wolf howling) - Stalker!

I still don't understand why you wanna break in there.

- [Deathstalker] 'Cause we're broke, that's why.

- What's that got to do with anything?

- That's a family mausoleum.

There are probably more jewels in there

than we can carry out.

You're about to become a very rich woman.

- I was just starting to enjoy poverty.

- Come on, where's your sense of adventure?

- This isn't adventure, it's just damn scary!

- Yeah, but uh, when legend is told,

I want people to think we faced this bravely.

- When the legend is told, nobody's gonna believe

we were this stupid!

Stalker? - Huh?

- [Evie] I heard somewhere it was bad luck

to walk over graves. - I heard

it was only the open ones.

- Wait a minute! - What?

- I just remembered, my hut.

I left the door unlocked, we gotta go back!

- You don't have a door.

- I don't? - No.

- Oh, yeah.

(door creaking)

What was that?

- The wind.

- It should get oiled, it came from in there.

- You bet it did.

- Stalker, you're not really going in there?

(suspenseful music)

Don't go in there, it's dark.

- Look, relax, will you?

Whew!

Well, come on in, what are you waitin' for?

Ah, come on, it's a little smelly, but what could happen?

(door slams)

- Stalker! (knocking at door)

(ominous music)

(eerie music)

(knocking at door) Stalker?

(ominous music)

(flint rasping)

(suspenseful music)

- [Jarek] You know, sir, grave robbing

is not only morally repulsive, but I believe

it carries a rather stiff penalty in these parts.

- Who the hell are you?

- Forgive me for not introducing myself properly,

but I assumed a person with even your limited

deductive powers could have guessed.

- Jarek.

(ominous music) (rustling)

(something rustling)

(knocking at door) - Stalker!

(undead rustling)

(undead groaning)

Stalker!

(undead groaning) Get out here!

Stalker, get out here!

- I'd offer you my hand, sir,

but it's both tiring and inconvenient

to be in two places at once, even for a sorcerer.

So if you'll be so good as to excuse me,

I have a rather pressing engagement to attend to.

And oh, by the way, I've arranged one for you as well.

(Jarek laughing) (eerie music)

(something rattling) (suspenseful music)

- Ah, son of a bitch.

Ah, the old crushing wall routine, huh?

You couldn't do better than this?

(wall rattling) (dramatic music)

Me and my big mouth. (Evie screaming)

- Stalker, Stalker! (undead groaning)

Stalker!

Stalker, Stalker!

Stalker!

(wall rattling)

(Evie screaming) - Gotta be a secret lever

around here someplace. (Evie screaming)

- Stalker! - Uh-huh!

(knob rattling)

Yipe! (Evie screaming)

- Stalker! (undead moaning)

(Evie screaming) (undead moaning)

Stalker!

(suspenseful music) (wall rattling)

(Evie screaming)

(spikes rattling)

(bars rattling)

(undead moaning) Stalker!

(Evie gasps) (undead moaning)

(dramatic music) (Evie screaming)

(bars rattling) (suspenseful music)

(screaming) Stalker!

(undead moaning) Stalker, get out here!

(Deathstalker yelling) Stalker!

(undead groaning) (dramatic music)

- Leave you alone for five minutes, look what happens.

(undead groaning) Come on!

Come on! - I'm comin', I'm comin'!

(undead moaning)

- Yah, yah, come on, yah!

(ominous music)

(lively string lute music)

- Don't you know another tune?

(clattering) Get out of here!

(something reverberating eerily)

It's happening again!

Guards, guards! (gong clanging)

(Princess panting)

(guards snorting) (prisoner panting)

- [Guard] Dinner is served, Your Majesty.

(guards snorting and chuckling)

Did you see the face on her?

- [Guard] Too bad, nice body though.

- Come.

I won't bite.

(prisoner screaming) (flesh squelching)

(steam hissing) (dramatic music)

(Princes chuckles)

(wolf howling)

- You know, somethin' funny's going on here.

First we get attacked by bandits,

then those damned zombies, what's next?

Don't answer that.

Every time, it's like they're waitin' for us.

This Jarek guy, he's playin' for keeps.

- I told you the path would be filled with perils.

- Yeah, yeah.

- We can forget the legend if you want to.

There's still time to turn back.

- Reward's still up for grabs, isn't it?

- Uh-huh.

- Who said anything about turnin' back?

- Not me.

- Here, looks like you could use this.

- What are you gonna use?

The fire won't last but a few more minutes.

- I'll be all right.

- Are you sure?

There's plenty of blanket here.

- Oh, okay.

(soft music)

- [Evie] Isn't it cozy?

Deathstalker Yeah, I guess so.

- [Evie] Stalker?

- [Deathstalker] Hmm?

- [Evie] Is that your sword or are you just happy to see me?

(Deathstalker snoring)

(birds twittering) (lighthearted music)

- [Deathstalker] Well, what's the old crystal ball

say about this one?

- Just follow the road to Bagoth,

turn west at a tree that looks like a rock,

where you cross a dry riverbed

where the water's more shallow.

- What? Dry river? - Just,

just follow the mountains! (horse snorts)

- Okay!

Not gonna be any zombies or anything, are there?

- It's a clear road, no surprises.

- No surprises? - No surprises.

- No surprises?

Some oracle you turned out to be!

- Three out of four's not bad!

- Ah, why I oughta...

(ominous music)

Rough crowd!

(suspenseful music)

- Look, I--

- Uh, let me do the talking.

Now listen, I think there's been some mistake.

Maybe you haven't heard of me.

- Silence!

(ax thuds) Haven't we met before?

- No, no, no, no, no, I don't think so.

I would have remembered.

- You look a lot like Evie of Jafir, the demon princess

who raids our camps and burns our crops, and steals our men.

- Me, a princess? (laughs)

Do I look like a princess to you?

- No.

- But my name is Reena, Reena the Seer.

- Reena?

- Oh, yeah, her name's Reena, all right, Reena the seer.

Reena the liar.

- Oh, well, maybe I've made a mistake.

- Yeah, uh, well, (chuckling) now that we've cleared up

this little misunderstanding, and we're all friends again,

uh, maybe we could just be on our way.

- The girl may go.

But not you, Deathstalker.

- So you have heard of me.

- Oh, yes.

Your legend precedes you.

Your exploits as a womanizer are well known in these parts.

- Well, I am more of a lover than a fighter.

- I hope not.

- Huh?

- You'll be put on trial for your crimes against womanhood!

- Trial? - Trial?

- Trial!

By combat!

- Used to be able to do this great.

- How's it goin'? - This is a farce!

I can beat any of these women

with my hands tied behind my back.

- That's the spirit!

- [Woman] Come on, come on, let's get going!

- [Woman] Get in the ring!

- [Deathstalker] Okay, okay, I'm goin', stop shovin'.

(stately music) (people cheering)

(women chattering) - Deathstalker!

- [Deathstalker] Here it comes.

- According to our laws, we must settle all serious disputes

in a trial by combat.

Your opponent in this contest

shall be none other than Gorgo,

our fiercest warrior, and my champion!

- [Crowd] Gorgo, Gorgo, Gorgo!

- I could beat her with my eyes closed.

- [Crowd] Gorgo, Gorgo!

Gorgo! - Gorgo, come on down!

- [Deathstalker] It's taking candy from a baby, you name it.

- Gorgo! - Did you see her?

- Stalker.

- Will ya shut up. - Stalker!

- [Deathstalker] Look, I could beat her with my eyes closed.

- I think you should keep at least one eye open.

- [Deathstalker] What are you talking about, what?

(Gorgo growling) - Gorgo, Gorgo!

Gorgo, Gorgo, Gorgo, Gorgo!

Gorgo, Gorgo, Gorgo, Gorgo!

Gorgo, Gorgo, Gorgo, Gorgo!

Gorgo, Gorgo, Gorgo, Gorgo!

Gorgo, Gorgo, Gorgo, Gorgo!

(dramatic music)

- [Chief] This is, of course, a fight to the death.

- Naturally.

- No mercy.

- Well, may the best man-- (Gorgo snarls)

(women exclaiming) Skip it.

(women exclaiming) - Let the fight begin!

(gong resounds)

(women jeering)

- That's a nice outfit.

Do you have to buy your clothes at a special store?

(blow thudding) (crowd cheering)

- [Crowd] Gorgo, Gorgo!

- Get up, all right, come on!

(crowd cheering)

- [Deathstalker] Whoa!

(crowd yelling)

(Gorgo laughing)

- [Crowd] Gorgo, Gorgo, Gorgo! Gorgo, Gorgo, Gorgo!

(Gorgo growls)

- [Woman] Yeah!

- [Crowd] Gorgo, Gorgo, Gorgo!

(Gorgo yells and grunts)

(crowd booing)

- And stay down! (crowd booing)

Ha, come on. (Gorgo snarling)

(Deathstalker grunting)

(Gorgo screaming) (crowd booing)

(bones crunching) (Gorgo exclaiming)

(crowd yelling)

(Gorgo yelling)

(crowd yelling)

(gong resounding)

- Here's what you gotta do, stay away from her,

wear her out, run her down, then attack!

- Attack, yeah!

If I'm still alive, I'll have her in five.

(Gorgo growling)

Six, maybe.

Seven at the outside.

(gong resounding)

- Go get her, tiger!

(Deathstalker grunting) (crowd yelling)

(Gorgo groaning) - Gorgo, Gorgo, Gorgo!

Gorgo, Gorgo! - Whoa!

(Deathstalker yelling) - Gorgo, Gorgo!

Gorgo, Gorgo, Gorgo!

(Deathstalker exclaiming) (crowd yelling)

- [Deathstalker] (groans) Not the hair, not the hair!

(Deathstalker groaning)

Anything but the hair! (blows thudding)

(Gorgo yelling) (crowd yelling)

- Gorgo, Gorgo! - Get up, okay, come on!

- Could I have just one minute of your time?

Whoa!

(crowd yelling) (Gorgo grunting)

- Gorgo, Gorgo! (Deathstalker grunting)

(blows thudding) (fighters groaning)

Gorgo, Gorgo, Gorgo! (Deathstalker yelling)

(Deathstalker's body thuds) (Gorgo laughing)

Gorgo, Gorgo, Gorgo, Gorgo!

(gong resounding) (crowd yelling)

(Gorgo growling)

(Deathstalker breathing heavily)

- You're lookin' good out there, good job.

(crowd cheering)

Keep it up, and don't let her get you with that right.

- I won't, you know, she may have the strength.

I got the stamina.

(gong resounding) - Go get 'em!

(crowd yelling) (Deathstalker groaning)

(blow thudding) (Gorgo grunting)

(crowd yelling)

(suspenseful music)

(Gorgo yelling)

- Goddammit, ugh, ah!

(Gorgo growling) (crowd yelling)

(blow thudding) (Deathstalker groaning)

(crowd yelling) (stately music)

- No! (blow thudding)

(stately music)

- Gorgo, Gorgo, Gorgo! (Gorgo snarling)

(Deathstalker yelling)

Gorgo, Gorgo, Gorgo! (blow thudding)

(gong resounding)

- Just where I want her now, she's putty in my hands.

Putty in my hand.

(gong resounding) (Deathstalker spitting)

(Gorgo growling) (light music)

(Deathstalker exclaiming)

(Gorgo laughing) (crowd cheering)

- [Woman] Ah, yeah! (speaking faintly)

(gong resounding)

(crowd cheering) (Gorgo snarling)

(dramatic music)

(Deathstalker grunting)

- No, no!

(Deathstalker chuckling) (crowd cheering)

(blow thudding) (Deathstalker groaning)

(Gorgo growling) (crowd cheering)

(Deathstalker moaning)

(blow thudding) (Gorgo screaming)

(Deathstalker grunts) (crowd yelling)

(blow thudding) (Gorgon yelling)

Get tough, get tough! - Geronimo!

(Gorgo groaning)

- [Deathstalker] Goin' for a spin!

(lively music) (crowd yelling)

Come on.

(Gorgo groaning)

(blows thudding) (Gorgo moaning)

- Jab, jab, jab, jab, jab, jab!

(Gorgo yelling)

(Gorgo screaming)

- Kill her, kill her!

- Kill her, kill her! - Kill her, kill her!

- What are you doing? - Kill her!

- This is a fight to the death!

(Gorgo groaning)

- You wanna kill her?

Do it yourself.

(crowd murmuring) (Gorgon groaning)

- That was incredible, you were great!

- Thanks, Princess.

- Wait!

Look, I know I haven't been completely

on the level with you.

- Yeah, you can say that again.

I can't believe I bought that whole bill of goods

you tried to sell me.

I bet you're not even a seer!

- Well, not a very good one, but I am a princess, or I was.

Jarek made a double of me, put her on the throne,

and seized the kingdom.

- Oh, that's, that's good, that's rich.

Try it on the next sap you meet.

- Look, I escaped, I needed help,

and I didn't know whether you'd believe me.

- So you dangled fame and fortune in front of me,

like some kind of carrot?

Didn't you think I might help ya?

Haven't you ever heard of honor among thieves?

- You mean you would have helped me without the money?

- I didn't say that! - See?

- Look, begging Your Highness's pardon,

but I'd rather be an obscure thief than a famous fool.

(melancholy music)

(clattering) - I want her here,

and I want her here now!

Where the hell is she?

- Evie, darling.

- [Fake Evie] I'm sick of all this waiting around,

while that little bitch is out there plotting against me!

- Evie, darling, it's Jarek.

- What do you want?

I hate her, I hate her, I hate her!

Why haven't you found her yet?

- Patience, my little lovebird.

You needn't worry, I shall find her.

You will be pleased, though, I think,

to learn that I have achieved

what I believe to be a major breakthrough.

- I hope so.

Every day I fade more and more, soon I'll cease to exist.

- Come with me to my chamber, you shan't be disappointed.

- This better be good.

- I assure you, it will be good.

In my hand, I hold the key to our success and happiness,

my darling, the elixir.

- Elixir?

- An elixir which will sever your ties

to the real princess forever.

Now for the moment of triumph.

A work of art, don't you think?

I duplicated him as I duplicated you.

Now for the test.

(suspenseful music)

You may have the honor.

- Thank you.

(dramatic music) (cloned man groans)

It works!

- Naturally.

- You've made me so happy.

- Drink this, and our little princess is as good as dead.

- Thank you again.

(lively music) (people cheering)

- [Evie] Have you girls seen Deathstalker?

- [Woman] No. (laughing)

(women laughing)

- Have you seen Deathstalker?

- No. (laughing)

(people talking and laughing)

- Have you seen Deathstalker?

- There he is.

(somber music)

(melancholy music)

(lively music) (people chattering)

(stones clattering)

- Shall we drink, then, to your magnificent battle tonight?

(glasses clink)

And the magnificent battle yet to come.

- Which one's that?

Ha.

- Your body's close to me, but your mind seems far away.

Just wait here, one minute. (smooches)

Don't go away.

(people carousing faintly) (soft music)

Stalker?

Just think.

Our lovemaking tonight

may spawn generations of leaders to come.

The passion in our hearts will burn

like a great sensual fire, melding our souls

into a whirlpool of unending ecstasy.

- Sounds good to me.

- [Sultana] Tomorrow, my servant will awaken us at dawn.

- You gotta be kiddin', after that fight, I was kinda

lookin' forward to sleepin' in.

- [Sultana] Oh, no, that's not possible.

The ceremony traditionally is performed at daybreak.

- Ceremony, what ceremony?

- Our wedding ceremony.

(Deathstalker spits)

(people chattering faintly)

Oh, shit.

(people laughing) (lively music)

- Excuse me, have you seen the girl I was with?

- I think she left a half hour ago.

- Thanks.

(people chattering)

(lighthearted music)

(dramatic music) (Evie gasps)

(trap rattling)

(birds twittering)

- I don't suppose you guys are hunters,

and I stepped into your bear trap?

- Sh. - Nah, I didn't think so.

(suspenseful music) (liquid burbling)

(suspenseful music)

- Ah, now that you're up, Your Royal Highness,

there are matters we need to discuss.

- [Evie] You, you're the one who helped Jarek!

- In all the excitement, we never really did have a chance

to sit down and talk, but now we can fix all that.

Where's Deathstalker?

- Why should I tell you anything?

- Huh, I can think of lots of reasons.

Here's one.

(ratchet creaks) (Evie gasps)

- I'll never talk!

And do you know why?

Jarek needs to keep me alive.

- You kill me, and you're as good as dead, and you know it.

- Do you know that I could drop you, say, up to your waist,

and you'd still be very much alive?

Now where is Deathstalker?

(dramatic music)

- Somebody looking for me? - Stalker!

- You came back!

- By popular demand. - Get him!

(men groaning) (something booming)

(blows thudding) (fighters grunting)

(swords clanging) (fighter exclaiming)

(fighters groaning) (suspenseful music)

(dramatic music) (attacker yelling)

(attacker moaning) (flesh squelching)

- It's payback time, Stalker!

(Evie weeping) (suspenseful music)

- I'm all for it, of course.

(swords clanging) (dramatic music)

(Deathstalker groaning) (swords clanging)

(blow thudding) (Sultana yells)

(Sultana groaning) (swords clanging)

(blow thudding) (Deathstalker grunts)

(Evie screams)

(Evie weeping)

(Deathstalker grunts) (swords clanging)

(Sultana yelling)

(swords clanging) (fighters exclaiming)

(Deathstalker groaning)

(blow thudding) (Deathstalker groans)

(Sultana yelling)

(swords clanging)

(liquid burbling) (Evie exclaiming)

(Deathstalker exclaiming)

(blow thudding)

(blows thudding) (Deathstalker grunting)

(Evie gasping) (liquid burbling)

(Sultana yelling)

(swords clanging)

(Sultana yelling)

(Deathstalker grunting)

(blood burbling)

(rope creaking)

- Stalker!

(dramatic music) (flames roaring)

(Evie screaming)

(lighthearted music)

(flames crackling)

(soft music)

(lighthearted music)

What's the matter? - Nothing.

I just think there's a time and a place for everything.

- Well, the top half of you may think it's the wrong time,

but the bottom half definitely knows it's the right place.

(both laughing) (wolves howling)

(ominous choral music)

- [Guard] Lord Jarek, we've recovered the body.

- Get her in here at once, fools!

- [Guard] Will there be anything else, my Lord?

- Out, out!

- [Guard] As you wish, my lord.

(bell tolls)

(eerie, jaunty music) (electricity crackling)

- [Jarek] Welcome back.

(dramatic music)

(eerie, jaunty music) (electricity crackling)

(somber music)

- Very interesting.

Is there another way in?

- (tuts) Of course.

(somber music)

- Where do these tunnels go?

- Under the castle.

(man screaming)

- What was that?

- The wind.

- [Deathstalker] Friend of yours?

- Looks like he died with a gag in his mouth.

- Yeah, well if he did, he never got a chance to tell it.

(ominous music)

- Stalker, I've got a feeling.

- Don't say it, just don't say it.

- But-- - Every time

you have a vision, something bad happens.

(dramatic music) (bars clang)

- Stalker! - Get out!

Get out of here! (weapons rattling)

Hi, guys.

- Ah, Deathstalker.

You needn't have come through the servant's entrance.

I would have welcomed you through the front gates.

- Oh, I've seen your welcoming committee.

- You know, despite your rather silly name,

I hear you're quite an extraordinary swordsmen.

- Like a demonstration? - Another time, perhaps.

Oh, god, I've forgotten, there won't be another time.

You see, I couldn't have possibly attained

my current position by playing fair.

Kill him.

- Stop!

He's mine!

- Sultana?

I thought she was dead.

- Not hardly.

- [Deathstalker] Well, I must say,

you're lookin' better than ever.

And it's, uh, really great to be back here at the castle.

(ominous music) (horse snorts)

(horse neighing)

- [Guard] Found her, boys!

(arrow whooshes) (Evie gasps)

(Evie groans)

Poor girl fell off her horse.

- What can we do? - Check her heart.

(Evie screaming) (guards laughing)

- I think we revived her. (arrow whooshing)

Huh?

(arrows whooshing) (guards groaning)

(suspenseful music) (owls calling)

(blade whooshing)

(chains clanking)

(blade clacking)

- Good evening, Deathstalker.

- Doesn't look too good from here.

- Where's the little princess?

- You don't expect me to talk?

- No, no, no, I expect you to die.

And I'm sorry to see you go.

We could have made a great team.

- (scoffs) There's still time.

- I'm afraid time's run out for you.

- Did you ever think about joining our side?

- Goodbye, Deathstalker.

- I should've stood in bed.

(Deathstalker grunting) (blade clacking)

Mother. (chains rattling)

- [Guard] Princess wants to see you.

(Guard snorting) (blade rattling)

(Deathstalker sighs) (door creaks)

- Dad got laid off.

Things were tough for our family for a long time.

(guards snorting)

Nice digs.

(somber music)

- Most of my gentleman callers bring flowers.

- Damn, my mistake.

I must have given 'em to the wrong princess.

I don't wanna shock you, but uh,

there's another girl runnin' around here

that's a dead ringer for you.

- That little harlot is nothing but a lying imposter.

- (chuckling) That's funny,

'cause that's exactly what she said about you.

(guards snorting) Uh, say, would you mind,

uh, callin' off your hogs here?

(guards snorting)

Big laughs, these guys, next time I see 'em,

it's gonna be on a plate next to some eggs.

- Don't you think I look like a princess?

- You dress like a princess, you walk like a princess.

(dreamy music)

You kiss like a princess.

But you sure don't act like a princess.

- Oh, and how's a princess supposed to act?

- I'm not sure.

But I, uh, think you're start,

I think you're startin' to get a handle on it.

- I think so, too.

Oh, I could just eat you alive.

- Bones and everything? - Uh- huh.

(ominous music)

(soft music)

(ominous music)

(Fake Evie chuckling)

(Fake Evie sensually sighing)

(Fake Evie panting)

(Fake Evie gasps)

(Fake Evie sighs)

(Fake Evie moaning)

(eerie music)

(Fake Evie snarling)

And now you're mine, Stalker.

- [Deathstalker] What?

(suspenseful music)

(blow thudding) (Fake Evie gasps)

(lighthearted music)

- I thought I told you not to

hang around with girls like that.

- (scoffs) It was just her looks that got to me.

- Oh, well, in that case.

- Uh, look, I don't wanna sound ungrateful or anything,

but how the hell did you get in here?

- You're forgettin' one thing, bucko.

This is my castle, my room, my bed, for cryin' out loud,

and you think I don't know where the secret passageways are?

- Well, uh, thanks.

- I thought you might need this.

(dramatic music)

- [Deathstalker] You sure you know where you're goin'?

- [Evie] I got us here, didn't I?

- Yeah, just tell me one thing, though, why do

secret passageways have to be so damn clammy and dark?

- Quit gripin', we're almost here.

Besides, I got a surprise for you, here we are.

(ominous music) (stone door creaking)

- Some surprise.

- How do they say it?

Out of the frying pan, into the fire?

- Yeah, that's how they say it, all right.

(swords clanging) - You can't possibly

kill us all, one against 100?

- Make that two against a hundred.

- Kill them.

- Hey!

(dramatic music) (guards exclaiming)

What about we even up those odds considerably?

(guards exclaiming) (dramatic music)

- Told you I had a surprise.

(arrows whooshing) (guards groaning)

(fighters chattering) (fighters groaning)

- Get them!

(fighters exclaiming)

(swords clattering) (fighters exclaiming)

(fighters groaning) (dramatic music)

(swords clanging) (explosion booming)

(thunder rumbling)

(fighters exclaiming)

(swords clanging) (fighters exclaiming)

(explosion booming) (fighter yelling)

(blows thudding) (fighters exclaiming)

(dramatic music)

(fighters grunting) (swords clanging)

(fighters exclaiming)

(blows thudding) (fighters exclaiming)

(fighters groaning)

(swords clanging) (fighters exclaiming)

(dramatic music)

(blows thudding) (fighters exclaiming)

(swords clanging) (fighters exclaiming)

(fighter groaning) (flesh squelching)

(swords clanging) (fighters exclaiming)

- [Jarek] Where are you going?

- Leaving.

- You owe me your life. (fighters yelling)

- I owe nothing to any man, even you.

Good luck, 'cause you're gonna need it.

Get out of my way! (fighter groans)

(thunder rumbling) (Evie exclaiming)

(swords clanging) (fighters exclaiming)

- What is going on here?

I have a splitting headache, I'm trying to get some sleep!

- You!

Inside, inside, it's not over yet.

(arrows whooshing) (fighters exclaiming)

- You okay?

(Evie grunts) (blow thudding)

(assailant groans) Guess you are.

Come on, we got business to attend to.

- How could you let this happen?

You've ruined my life!

- I gave you your life.

Now go to your chambers, I'll be there shortly.

(fighters yelling)

(man screaming)

(swords clanging) (Evie grunting)

(burning man yelling)

(fighters grunting)

- Throne room's that way.

- Where you goin'?

- There's only room for one princess in this castle.

- What're you gonna do?

- Can't tell ya, girl talk.

- Oh.

(suspenseful music)

(tense music)

(knife thudding) (Fake Evie gasps)

- You bitch!

(knife clattering)

(eerie music) (corpse sizzling)

- Ew!

(fighters yelling) (swords clanging)

(door creaking)

(footsteps echoing)

- Still ready for that demonstration?

- Spoken like a true gallant.

- And soon to be a legend.

- But not a living one.

(stately spaghetti Western music)

(dramatic music) (swords clanging)

(Jarek yelling)

(Deathstalker grunting) (swords clanging)

(Jarek yelling)

(Deathstalker grunting) (swords clanging)

(both groaning)

(swords clanging) (both exclaiming)

(dramatic music)

(Jarek yelling)

(swords clanging)

(Deathstalker exclaiming)

(swords clanging)

(dramatic music)

(both exclaiming) (swords clanging)

(both yelling)

(sword clattering)

(suspenseful music) (Deathstalker exclaiming)

(blow thudding) (Deathstalker exclaiming)

(blows thudding) (Jarek groaning)

(both yelling)

(dramatic music) (Jarek yelling)

(sword clatters) (dramatic music)

(swords clanging)

(both exclaiming)

(swords clanging) (both exclaiming)

(blow thudding) (Deathstalker groaning)

- Up.

(ominous music)

(dramatic music)

(Deathstalker grunting)

(sword clatters)

(suspenseful music)

(flesh squelching) (Jarek groaning)

(somber music)

(sword clattering)

(emotionally stirring orchestral music)

(sword rattles)

(people cheering)

(people raucously cheering)

(emotionally stirring orchestral music)

- Yay!

(laughing) Hey, Stalker.

Look.

(people cheering)

(Stalker and Sultana laughing)

- Her Highness shall speak now.

- This oughta be good.

- Come forward, Deathstalker.

(light music)

We have searched through the kingdom's coffers

for some expression of our appreciation

for your magnificent deeds.

- And that is?

- You're lookin' at it, bucko.

(laughing) You sure you made the right choice?

- I don't know, let me consult my crystal ball.

- Uh,

you won't be needin' this anymore.

(ball thuds) - Ow!

- So you really think our story's gonna

make it into the legends?

- Oh, more than that, a thousand years from now,

players will re-enact all our exploits.

- Really?

Well, I sure hope they get a good-lookin' guy to play me.

(dramatic, stately music) (people cheering)

(stately music) (people whistling)

(stately music)

(jaunty electronic music)

(dreamy electronic music)

(Gorgo growling)

(people cheering)

(Fake Evie coughing)

(jaunty flute music)

(blow thudding)

(Deathstalker groaning)

(stately electronic music)

(arrow whooshing)

- Go! (undead moaning)

Stalker! - God!

I leave you alone for five minutes,

and look what happens.

Ow, goddammit, that's hot!

(stately electronic music)

- Don't you think I look like a princess?

- [Deathstalker] You dress like a princess.

- Oh, I hate these friggin' stairs, excuse me.

(light music)

(lively spaghetti Western music)

(Deathstalker screaming)

(Deathstalker groaning)

(sprightly electronic music)

- [Deathstalker] That's lunch, 30 minutes!

(stately electronic music)

(swords clanging) (arrows whooshing)

- Huh?

(stately electronic music)

(men laughing)

- No laughing!

(stately electronic music)

(musician whoops) (whip cracks)

(demented fanfare music)