Original subtitles

Hi. I'm picking up for Paula Sanders.

Okay.

Nice font.

Yeah.

We're at twelve percent, Paula.

She's still driving. What do you wanna do?

God. I wanna slice my wrists with a pizza cutter.

What the hell is "gluten reduced"?

If a lot of gluten kills you, does a little less make you blind?

Focus. The woman in the motel called the killer, right?

If we can somehow find her phone, then maybe we can find him.

Yeah. Forget about your stupid pizza party, okay?

Which neither of us were invited to, by the way.

If you were eight and play center-mid, then you would've been invited.

And it isn't actually…

This "stupid party" is actually really important

because I really need it to go well,

so that everyone raves about what an amazing mom I am,

so that Karl can't move my daughter to Sasquatch country.

Eleven percent.

The two of you are stressing me out.

I'm getting stomach bubbles. I can feel it.

What if we divide and conquer?

Great, yeah. That's a great idea.

You go to a nice party with cute kids,

and Geri and I will track down a dangerous lunatic.

- Seems fair. Wait, shit, that's perfect. - We will go.

Thank you. Thank you, thank you so much.

I mean, this is the only lead we have, and I…

I honestly couldn't do this without you, guys.

Be safe.

- Come on. Let's go. - I don't like being pressured, okay?

My therapist actually says I have a touch of oppositional defiant disorder.

Pressuring me makes me want to do the opposite.

Great. Don't hurry the fuck up.

Ha, ha, ha. Doesn't work like that.

Yeah, actually, it kind of does.

- Let's go. - Good.

Don't think anyone's home.

The cam boy who owned the account that paid for the construction supplies

is chilling in the morgue, so he's probably not here.

The sarcasm. It's off-putting.

- You name that cat yet? - Nah, nothing's sticking.

Try Stella.

Asshole.

What? It'll only be awkward if your ex came back.

Chill.

Really? You're so used to calling out her name in the middle of the night

and her not coming.

Let's start upstairs. You lead. I'll definitely have your back.

There's that sarcasm again.

Ding-dong, NYPD.

Police, open up!

Got a body here.

Room, right.

- We're clear. - Bathroom.

Clear.

What the fuck?

Better call it in.

- He escaped from jail. - My gosh!

- Yeah. - Pull those balloons in. There you go.

I was insanely hungry earlier, and I was desperate

because you didn't buy me anything from the food court, Mom.

- I couldn't carry all of it. - I gotta pee.

All right.

- My God. Mom! - Hazel.

Hazel!

Baby, what happened? Are you okay?

God.

My God. You scared me.

Mom! You killed it.

You can't kill a cockroach, okay?

It's probably down there with a million of its friends, just like,

plotting world domination. It's okay.

A million?

Can they crawl up the toilet?

Okay.

Beautiful job, baby blue.

Thank you.

All right.

- Okay. Hi. - Hey.

- Hazel. - Silv…

Sorry, sorry. I know. I'm always early.

You either find it endearing or you divorce me.

I thought you might need a hand.

Or I could just drop Silvia off

if this is more of a mom-and-daughters-only,

boys-got-cooties vibe?

No, no, no, no. It's no problem. I got the controversial cooties vaxx.

- So, yeah. That would be amazing. - Okay.

Come on in. Yeah, I'm freaking out.

Few things. We got some people to meet. Karl, Mallory, this is Frank Budkins.

He's the private investigator working on your case.

- Hi. - We hired a private investigator?

Yeah. It's my idea. Everyone hires a PI.

- Everybody hires a PI? - Yeah.

Frank's very good. Just ask my ex-wife.

She got half of everything she thought I had.

Frank, what do you got?

For the past few days, I've been surveilling Paula Sanders.

Watching her house. So far, there's not much.

No drug use or heavy drinking.

She works.

Shops. Coaches soccer.

- In bed by 11:00. - So that's it?

She didn't talk to anyone strange? No weird run-ins?

I wasn't done yet.

Looks like there's a new boyfriend in the picture.

This man was alone in Paula's apartment today.

I'm going back later. I'll try and get a clearer picture.

I'm guessing it's serious enough. He has a key.

- What the fuck? - What?

- Did she mention a new boyfriend to you? - No, she hasn't told me anything.

It's hard to see what he looks like.

She should not be giving some random guy the key to your daughter's home.

- No. - Look, the good news is,

- this can only help strengthen our case. - Strengthen our case?

Look, I didn't go to law school, but how is this not a slam dunk?

The backboard should shatter. This should be on ESPN.

This is like varsity versus junior varsity.

- This is obvious. - Okay.

This is a skunk. How could we not fucking win this case?

I'm feeling very good about our chances, okay?

Can you give me a second? I just wanna focus on something here.

Okay.

- What's going on with you? - Nothing. Nothing.

- You've been very edgy… - It's a stressful moment. I know.

…the last couple days.

Well… Well, there's…

What?

It's nothing.

Okay.

I just over-caffeinated.

Yeah, I had two double espressos, so I quadruple espressoed.

You're too old for that. Don't do that anymore.

Okay, let me just walk you guys through the hearings, okay?

It's great that we got Narleski, but I don't wanna rest on our laurels.

I wanna make sure this is bulletproof, okay?

So, let's just talk through the paperwork, all right?

We got the letter from the school board.

We got bank statements.

I need a bank statement from you, Karl. You got that?

I need a job offer from you, all right?

- Can you get that to me? - Yeah.

Good. And I'm going to set you up

with a child psychiatrist. She is fantastic.

That is some serious chopping.

You know, I was once on Chopped.

What? Really?

Yeah. Not as a contestant, but I was in the audience.

Okay, that's not true either.

I've never actually even watched Chopped. I lied.

But you did it to impress me.

No. It's pathological.

You know what? You should use the sharp knife.

- You got a sharp knife? - I do. I have a Früsthof.

I used to have a Früsthof.

- Yeah? You lost it in the divorce? - Yeah.

At least I kept the Nutribullet.

Not that I ever use it.

The important thing is that she doesn't get to use it.

That's right.

I don't know where this knife is.

Party's starting.

- I should get out of your hair. - Yeah.

Sorry for the mess.

Okay.

Bye, honey!

Thank you.

- Yeah, of course. Yeah. - Yeah. All right.

- Hey! Have so much fun, you two. - Yeah!

- Hi, everybody. - Hi!

Okay. All right, excuse me.

All right.

- This is for you. - Wow! Thanks.

Good luck.

- Hi. - Steve in the house?

Yes.

- Hey. - I brought too much wine.

It says we're right on top of it.

Our dot and that dot are basically one dot.

Where is it?

There.

Yeah.

Where you going? What's going on?

Hey, hey. Damn it. Slow down.

Why? It's at 3%.

It's gonna die, and then we're not gonna have another chance.

Hey, reach in there and unlock it.

- You reach in there and unlock it. - No, your arms are crazy long.

My arms are normal. These are normal man arms.

You're a fucking giant with a freakish wingspan.

So stick those pool noodles in there and unlock the door. Go.

- Shit. - My God.

Fucking shit dog.

Who even leaves a dog in a car like that?

Hi, princess.

I hope it chews your lips off.

Can you get in there and look for the phone?

- Hurry! - I'm looking. I'm looking. I'm looking.

No.

- Did you find it? - Bing-fucking-go.

Come on. Okay.

Come on.

Okay. Go. Okay.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. My earbud.

No, no, no, no. She'll be out any second. I also probably have rabies.

I need, like, a dozen shots in my stomach, or I'll be frothing at the mouth.

Did you see that? The balloon just flew away.

Hey.

I'm back. I'm coming back with the red.

Fantastic cheese-to-sauce ratio.

Good job.

All right, chicken, sausage and M&M'S. You're definitely gonna throw up.

Emily, I think your mom said that you're vegetarian.

- You're eating pepperoni. - Pepperoni is made out of peppers.

That's a common misconception.

Why don't you use this instead?

- No! - Big spill.

- Oops. - Do you have a towel?

That's okay. You know, I hate this rug.

You did me a favor. All right.

What a disaster.

Are you kidding me? Look how much fun they're having.

I may be a little buzzed, but I think you're nailing this.

They still have to eat. We're not out of the woods yet.

What? You're doing great.

Hey. Don't let me stop you.

"Gather ye rose-buds while ye may, old time is still a-flying.

And the same flower that smiles today, tomorrow will be dying."

Life is short. Shit happens.

Sure. Thanks.

You're young. You'll see.

Cool.

The only thing that makes the misery and horror of life worthwhile

is kissing the person you love.

So…

Go on then.

Kiss.

- What? - Kiss.

I'm joking.

Don't forget to gather those rosebuds!

Shmooey.

Hazel forgot him.

And you wanted to spare me the nuclear holocaust

that is bedtime without Shmooey. Thank you.

You wanna have some pizza?

I made it myself.

I can't promise you that it's good, but there are flavor combos

that you have never tried before.

I'm all set.

- What… What the heck? - What the heck, what?

What are you doing your angry walk for?

I don't know, maybe 'cause I got called into the police station.

Yeah, apparently, you're mixed up in the death of a gigolo.

So, maybe that's why I'm doing my angry walk.

- A gigolo? - Sorry, a male sex worker was unalived,

and you have something to do with it. Is that better?

No, I don't. I don't, okay?

It's a big misunderstanding, and, honestly, it's none of your business.

That's wrong. It is my business 'cause they called me in.

You wanna know what the first thing they asked me about was Portland.

Now, luckily for you, they only wanted me and not Mallory,

who I had to lie to

because if she knew I was called into the station

and she knew what they were asking about,

I don't know what she would do.

Well, like I said, it's just a… It's no big deal.

And it's just a big dumb misunderstanding.

Dumb misunderstanding.

Is it also a dumb misunderstanding that you gave keys

- to your new boyfriend? - What?

I don't care what you do, I really don't.

But if you're doling out keys to where my daughter sleeps,

then I deserve to know.

I legit don't know what you're talking about?

- Stop lying to... - I'm not seeing anyone.

I saw the photos of him.

- What are you talking about? - We hired a private investigator.

You hired a what?

Don't be a child. Everybody hires a PI.

And I saw your boyfriend in your house when you weren't there.

I saw him sitting on your couch, going through your fridge,

just acting like he lived there.

So who is he? How serious is it?

That's impossible because nobody's been here.

I saw the photos. He was in there, Paula.

Fuck's sake.

Whatever you're doing, please, just do better.

Mom!

Mom!

- My heart pizza's ready for the oven. - Yeah. Okay, great.

- Shmooey! - Look who came…

Hey, so, I think you're gonna stay at a friend's house tonight.

- Yes! - That all right?

Yeah, great.

Death by expanding foam. Fun. Who's the victim?

We're working on it.

I know you don't wanna hear this,

but we think this is connected to the Thorwald murder.

You know, you get paid to clear bodies off the board, not add more, right?

Wait, really? Wow.

We must've gotten that backwards at the academy.

Which end of the gun do the bullets come out of?

You guys wanna be smart-asses, or…

Jesus, Pete, we didn't kill the guy.

Then catch who did. Okay?

And stop being two assholes.

We're looking for an outgoing call on Tuesday afternoon.

I really think I'd be much happier with a dumb phone like this.

I should get a dumb phone. Calls and texts, that's all I need.

Uber is super helpful, I guess. And the step counter.

So, calls, texts, Uber, my step counter. That's it.

Although did you know the 10,000 steps thing is a myth?

It goes back to the '60s. This Japanese company was marketing a pedometer,

and I guess the Japanese character for ten thousand looks like a guy walking.

- So, it's a not hard science, but… - Found it.

6:23, Tuesday. Right before Paula escaped.

This is the killer's phone number. This is him.

- Or her. Could be her. - Wow. Feminist of the year over here.

- Paula said it was a guy. - Right.

Holy shit. I can't believe it.

We actually found the killer's phone number.

- We make a pretty good team. - Yeah, we really do.

I hate to say it, but I think we should high-five right now.

- No. No. - Yep. I'm gonna do it.

- I'm gonna put my hand up. - No. You're right.

Let's go.

Wow.

Okay, we're going. We're going.

Okay.

- Bye. - Get home safe.

Mom. Prem's mom said it was okay if I slept over at her house.

- Great. Awesome. - Yeah.

And we're gonna stay up till 1:00 a.m., and we're gonna watch Twilight.

It's a PG-13 movie.

Mom, Hazel's coming with us.

Your pizza was so good, Mom.

- Really? - Yeah.

It was better than Bellucci's.

Hey, Ginny, are you okay? My God.

I checked the whole allergy list. I thought...

No. No, it's my fault.

I forgot to tell you she has a pineapple thing.

Do you have antihistamine?

- That usually helps. - No.

But there is a bodega down the street.

You can definitely just, like, pop out there.

- Mommy, it itches. - Okay, let me get you a cold towel.

Can you go so I can deal?

Thank you so much. You're a lifesaver, Paula.

Everything locked up. I just wanna shave.

Help! Help!