All language subtitles for Curb.Your.Enthusiasm.S11E05.IRASSHAIMASE.1080p.BluRay.DDP5.1.H.264-BTN_track5_[eng]

♪ ♪

Hey, I really shouldn't
pay you, honestly.

Why should I pay?
You talked during the putt.

I could've made that-- -I was talking
pre-putt, and you decided--

- No, it wasn't pre-putt.
- Yes, it was. It was pre-putt.

- Do you think that was pre-putt?
- It was definitely pre-putt.

Jeff, did he talk during my putt?

I'm not saying anything.

- Oh!
- That's everything! He just said everything!

- Jeff, you know what Dante said.
- [Jeff Greene] What?

"The hottest places in hell
are reserved for those

who in time of crisis
retain their neutrality."

- I don't wanna say anything.
- You're goin' straight to hell.

- You're like a desperate guy, just grasping at, like...
- [Larry David] Desperate guy?

- You talked during the putt.
- ...quotes? Quotes from Dante over the putt?

- Freddy! What's up, kid?
- My man! Hey, buddy!

- [Hal Berman] How you doing, Larry?
- Hey, Hal! Hey, Hal.

- You look good, buddy.
- [Larry] Thank you.

What the fuck did I do?

That was a snub.
That was a total--

No, no, no. It wasn't like
he didn't even look at me.

- He looked right at me.
- That was intentional.

- [Larry] That was a total snub.
- Yeah. I was uncomfortable.

- What the hell happened with you two?
- I set him up on a date

with a friend of mine,
producer named Gabby McAfee,

and, uh, he hasn't spoken to me since.

- What?
- [Jeff] Yeah.

I have no i--
I have no idea why.

Did you try and contact him?

Yeah. I texted him, called him,
I walked up to him.

- Well how'd that-- What'd he do?
- ignored me.

- Wow!
- [Jeff] I don't get it.

She's beautiful, she is smart,

she is kind, she's great.

How come you didn't fix me up
with her if she's so great?

I don't know.

- What's her name? Gabby McAfee?
- [Jeff] Gabby McAfee.

[Freddy] Probably shouldn't even say it,

but it's probably common knowledge.

You've heard the thing about Hal, right?

- Oh, yeah. yeah.
- [Freddy] Yeah. I think the whole club knows.

I have no idea.

He slept with his mother-in-law.

- Hal slept with his mother-in-law?
- Yeah.

- Shut the fuck up. No way!
- Yeah.

- Liars!
- Okay. What did you hear?

I-- I only heard that he
fucked his mother-in-law.

Tell me more. What did you hear?

- That's all I got.
- What more do you need to hear?

- And that led to his divorce.
- [Jeff] Oh, wow.

- That's what I heard.
- [Larry] Yeah.

But was it ongoing or one time?

I think it was a couple times. Yeah.

- That's what I heard. Yeah.
- [Jeff] Oh.

Wow. Gabby McAfee.
She's something.

- Yeah!
- Uh-huh!

She's a beautiful girl.

You'll set me up?

- All right, I'm gonna ask you one quick question.
- Sure.

Did you fuck your
mother-in-law at any point?

'Cause I ain't setting
you up if you did.

- Well...
- Okay. Yeah, I'll call her.

- No problem.
- And you know what else?

Maybe I could do a little, uh,

- investigation.
- As to, uh--

As to what happened on that date

that he would never speak to you again.

- All right. Thank you.
- That looks good.

Look at you.
Still with the fries.

I love them. You want one?
Don't even ask. Jump in.

Should I try one?

[Hal] You all right? Dad?

Oh, my God!

I think he's having a heart attack.

Call 911! Call 911!

Oh, my. That's Saul Berman.

Dad, come down to the floor.
Easy, easy, easy.

Is there a doctor in here?

You're all right. Just lay down.

- It looks serious.
- [Hal] Hold my hand.

- Hold my hand.
- It does.

I got you. I got you.

Okay, Dad. Just breathe,
just breathe, just breathe.

I got you. Hold my hand.
Squeeze my hand. Here you go.

Okay. Good, good. All right.
Got you. Can you talk?

- Okay.
- [Hal] Okay, okay. okay.

Want some water? Huh?
No? We got a doctor coming.

- ♪ ♪
- [Hal] Okay.

Just squeeze it! Squeeze as hard
as hard as you can! Okay--

All right.

That wraps it up here.

Final score:
Knicks 101,sixers 97.

Tom, what-- what was the problem
with the sixers tonight?

[Freddy Funkhouser] Hello?

Hey, Freddy. It's me.

- [Freddy] How are you?
- I'm on my way to Katsuya

to meet Gabby McAfee.

[Freddy] Oh, nice. You're chopping
it up with Gabby. I like it.

I just looked in the mirror, and
a button fell off my shirt.

I've got tons of T-shirt exposed.

You can't have more than three-quarters
of an inch of T-shirt showing.

[Freddy] Oh, that's terrible.

Would it be okay if I came
over and borrowed a shirt?

I'm right near your house.

[Freddy] Okay.
You wanna come get a shirt?

- Come get a shirt.
- Okay, great.

♪ ♪

Tonight we're gonna get
something great for you.

Are you sure you don't wanna go T-shirt?

Because I think it could look good.

- T-shirt, really?
- Very sinewy!

- You look fantastic!
- [Larry] Sinewy?

Look at that word you just threw out.

You know, people...

- people underestimate you.
- [Freddy] They do?

You're actually a little brighter
than-- than you come off.

I'd bet you're sitting on
some pretty big words too,

when you need 'em.
Now, let's take a look.

I wanna try for the same palette.

Yeah, I get it.

[Larry] Just wanna be comfortable.

Oh, God!

Oh, Jesus. I just burned
the shit out of my hand.

What? Oh, jeez.

Because I just found
something pretty hot.

Oh, my hand! It's what?

You tell me, LD!
You tell me, LD!

Oh. Oh, yeah.

- Really nice item.
- Very nice item.

Well, you're gonna enjoy it. I
think she's gonna enjoy it too.

All right, this is great.
I'll take it.

Yeah, I think this will be great.

Thank you. Thank you, sir.

- Yes. May I help you?
- How do you do?

- Yes.
- Larry David, table for two.

Oh, you're the first one here!
Uh-- Shall I take your umbrella?

I thought it was
gonna rain. What happened?

- Huh?
- I don't know.

- They said rain.
- Okay.

- I'm not crazy.
- Thank you. Thank you.

- Yes, yes. Uh-- Table?
- Sure.

Ohitorisama goraiten desu!

Irasshaimase!

[Larry] Oh! Well.

Thank you, thank you.
I love that greeting.

Please.
This is your table, sir.

And your menu.

And somebody will be
right with you, sir.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

- There he is.
- May I help you?

Hi. Yeah,
I'm just meeting Mr. David.

- Oh, okay. Right this way.
- Yeah.

- Irasshaimase!
- Ira--

- [Gabby McafEE] Whoa! Hello!
- [Larry] Hello!

I'm Gabby, obviously.
I love it!

- Huh? Do you love that greeting?
- I love it!

Is that the best greeting
you've ever had?

Absolutely!

And do you speak Japanese?

Oh, yeah. I speak six
languages, including Guamish.

- That's what they speak in Guam.
- Island of Guam.

- Yeah, on the island of Guam.
- Chefs say "Irasshaimase."

Could you please not say "Irasshaimase"?

- Thank you.
- What? That's-- What?

Sushi chefs say "Irasshaimase."
Guests don't say "Irasshaimase."

- Sorry.
- Thank you for understanding,

and enjoy your dinner.
Thank you.

- [Gabby] Wow.
- The chef is upset

- that I said "Irasshaimase"?
- I have been here 100 times.

I've never been reprimanded by the host.

Is this the first time you've
been reprimanded by a host?

- Alas, no.
- [Gabby] No?

You know, maybe just
tonight, first date,

we-- we're on our best behavior.

- Maybe?
- I'll try.

- Look at-- Delicious!
- I know.

This is my favorite place.
Thank you so much.

Larry, I wasn't even gonna
come on this date.

I mean, honestly, I've had such
bad luck since my divorce.

But Jeff told me...

"Worst thing that happens
it doesn't work out,

he's a great person to break up with."

- Oh, yeah. I'm great.
- Oof! Really?

Oh, yeah. Like, if we go out,

like, for six months or
eight months or whatever,

all you gotta do is say, "Hey, I don't wanna
see you anymore." And I go, "Ah! Okay."

No drama?

- Zero.
- That's a good quality.

I walk away, and I never give you--

- Not another thought.
- I don't give you another thought.

- Wow!
- Yeah.

That's... That's almost, um...

like a sociopath, but...

...borderline.

You know what?
That's one of the nicest things

anyone's ever said to me.

Well, do you have any
other good qualities?

Yes, I do.

Okay.

So discreet.

Really? Good at keeping
a secret, you think?

- Absolutely!
- Okay.

I want us to tell each other something

we've never told anybody.

- Bring it on.
- Okay.

When I was younger, I was a
teacher in high school...

...and I...

slept with one of my students.

Excuse me.

- Hmm?
- Did I just hear you say that

you were a teacher in high school and...

you slept with one of your students?

- Did I get that right?
- Consenting people.

- Wow!
- He was 18.

Was he-- Was he a senior?

- Yeah.
- Did you go to the prom?

Oh, I'm not gonna go into this.

What was his extra-curricular activity?

He was a basketball player.
That's it.

I'm not going to--
I'm not saying anything more.

- Did you go to the games?
- I told you the secret.

Did he give you a little
wink when he was playing?

If he made a shot, did he look over?

- Larry, we don't need to get into all this stuff.
- No, no. No, I'm just curious.

- You know what?
- What?

Time for you to tell me your secret.

Let's hear it. Come on.

Give it up.

Okay, look.
I'll tell you this, okay?

- Okay.
- But honestly...

you cannot mention this...

to anyone, ever.

Larry, trust. Trust.

Okay.

I have a fantastic
shortcut to the valley.

Tremendous.

- That's your secret?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I told you...

that I slept with a student.
Your secret is Waze.

Let me tell you something.
There's no comparison

- between these two secrets.
- No there's not!

My secret improves your quality of life.

Your secret's just interesting.

Why don't you tell me the shortcut, and
I'll be the judge of how useful this...

secret is?

Cosiano, Sepulveda,

Mulholland, Longbow,

Woodcliff,

to Valley-- Valley Vista.

That's your cousin.

I gotta write this down.
I gotta write--

No! Are you serious?
No, you can't write that down.

You lose it, somebody finds it.
No good.

Okay, but you can't tell
anybody what I said.

- What did you say?
- Uh-huh? That's funny.

- You like that?
- You're funny!

- Hey, let me ask you something.
- Okay.

- You went out with Hal Berman?
- A couple times.

What's the deal? What happened?

I don't know, you'd have to ask him.

Hmm.

You've got to try these
Brussels sprouts, Larry.

They're amazing!

Ofutarisama goraiten desu!

Irasshaimase!

- [Gabby] Oh.
- [Larry] What the...

- Irasshaimase!
- Irasshaimase!

- Irasshaimase!
- Irasshaimase!

- Irasshaimase!
- Irasshaimase!

- Irasshaimase!
- Irasshaimase!

- Irasshaimase!
- Irasshaimase!

- Irasshaimase!
- Irasshaimase!

Irasshaimase!

♪ ♪

[Larry] I had a great time.
That's all I can tell you.

- It was a great date.
- Great date?

I don't know
what Hal's problem was.

What kinda things did you talk about?

We talked about general stores.

- You did, huh?
- Yeah.

- [Jeff] Okay.
- Yeah.

Did you bring your general
store photo book with you?

I had photos in my phone of
different general stores

- throughout the country.
- Well, that's your passion.

- Yeah. That's my passion.
- That's your passion.

That's your great love.

She was good at conversation?
Fun?

The conversation was flowing so easily.

I even left my umbrella
at the restaurant.

I gotta go back and get it later.

But the rest of the date went well?

I mean, there was one weird thing.

- What was the weird thing?
- She wanted, like, to do this thing

where we kind of...

swapped secrets, you
know... I don't know.

What was her secret?

- You know, I'd feel terrible.
- It's me.

Why would you not tell me?

I wouldn't like myself if I told you.

But you don't like yourself anyway.

You cannot say a word
about this to anybody.

- Honestly.
- Come on.

Okay. Well, she used to be
a high school teacher.

Yeah.

- She fucked one of her students.
- She fucked one of her students?

- Are you fucking kidding me?
- She fucked one of her students?

Ooh.

- Yo...
- Boy, that didn't take long.

You couldn't keep
that secret for five seconds!

I didn't directly tell him,
I indirectly--

But you did!

- That's so hot.
- [Larry] Yeah.

- Crazy hot. Sorry.
- That's real hot.

That's the shit right there.

Although I can't think of any
teachers in my high school

that I really wanted to have sex with.

There's only one teacher but I--

That I wanted. Mrs. Fish.

I can tell you that Miss Rogers

was not the cause of any tumescence

- among the young men in my school.
- [Jeff] Miss Rogers?

- [Larry] Yeah.
- What'd she look like?

She was on death's door.

Veins popping out all over her body.

Oh, man. In my case,
I fucked the school nurse.

She was fuckin' fine as shit.

Every time I had a tummy ache,
I tapped that ass.

So did you make up that you had
a tummy ache just to go there?

Yeah. She gave me a
spoonful of Pepto-Bismol

and a fucking hand job.

Thank you--
Thank you for your contribution.

He's got a wild imagination.

So, wait, wait.
What was your secret?

- I-- I can't tell my secret.
- [Jeff] Why?

Because then, it's no longer a secret.

- Yeah, but it's to me. Go.
- Okay.

I got a shortcut to the valley.

You got a shortcut to the valley?

- [Larry] Yeah.
- You got a shortcut

- to the valley?
- [Jeff] No one's got a shortcut--

- You fucking did it again!
- [Leon Black] Shortcut?

- You did it again!
- I apologize. I apologize.

It was two secrets in the
space of a few minutes!

But you know a great
shortcut to the valley.

- [Larry] Yes, I do.
- And you've never told me.

- [Larry] It never came up.
- Never told him.

If I tell you the shortcut, then
it's no longer a shortcut.

You're not gettin' the shortcut.

Don't give me that look.
I know that look.

You're not gettin' it.
Fix the TV!

I can't fix that TV, man.
That TV is fucked.

It ain't gonna work.
I tried everything.

- [Larry] Seriously?
- Seriously.

- I need a new one?
- [Leon] You need a new TV.

I just got a new TV. It's great.

- Really?
- Best TV I've ever had.

- Is that so?
- Yeah, come over and take a look.

Oh. Freddy's shirt. Wait a second.

[Jeff] All right, let me
get something to eat.

Does your TV have, uh,
picture-in-picture?

- [Larry] Oh, man!
- Picture-in-picture?

[Jeff] That's old.

Look at this.

Oh, my God!

- Aw, damn.
- What happened?

I spilled soy sauce on it,

- and I tried to get it out with soap.
- What kind of soap did you use?

- You know, just Dial.
- Bar soap?

- Bar soap!
- That's the worst!

- Really?
- [Jeff] Oh, God! Yeah!

- Soap stains.
- Soap stains?

Soap stains.

Who makes a cleaning
product that stains?

That's like a Band-Aid that cuts!

Here's a little secret.

Freddy's shirt is fucked.

♪ ♪

[Larry] Hey!

Hey.

- Hi, Hal.
- Hey, Larry.

How's, uh-- How's your dad?

Ah, you know, not great.

Ah.

Came to get his lucky rabbit foot.

He keeps it in his locker.

- [Larry] Oh, really?
- He got a hole-in-one with this, so...

Really? Maybe I should start
playing with a rabbit's foot.

- Huh?
- Yeah. You never know.

Well, um, give him my best.

Yeah. Well, why don't
you pray for him, huh?

Eh...

"Eh"?

Come on, now. Pray?
Uh... I'll feel like an idiot.

- I can't do that.
- Are you kidding me?

I don't-- I wouldn't even
know where to begin.

How do you even do it?
Do you get on your knees?

- Do you put your hands together?
- No, you don't have to--

Just say, "God, please make
Saul Berman live." That's it.

I can't do that.

Do you know that prayer to
Jews has been integral since,

you know, getting out of Egypt, right?

I would submit it's as
big a waste of time

- as watching The Kardashians.
- I don't understand you.

This is why you join a club.

So that you can be together
with other members

in a time of need.

No, I joined for the golf.

And you know what?
I'm enjoying pickleball too.

- Have you played?
- What if your prayer

were the thing that saved him?

- Wait a second. Are you praying?
- Of course I'm praying.

So, let me put myself in
God's shoes for a second.

- Okay.
- "Oh, there's the son!

Oh, the son's praying!

Eh... I need more than that.
I'm gonna need more than that.

Oh! Oh, there-- Ah, Larry David!

Oh! Okay, I'll save him!"

How do you know prayers don't work?

Because I'm bald.

Hey, Hal!

You went out with Gabby McAfee, right?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, I had a date with her.

I'm seeing her again on Saturday night.

Let me guess. Katsuya?

Yeah! Yeah, she likes that place.

Yeah, well. Good luck.

What ever happened with you two?

I can tell you this much, Larry.

What goes around comes around.

"What goes around comes around."

Eh.

- Hey.
- Irasshaimase!

- How you doing?
- [Larry] Good.

How'd it go?

- The date?
- Yeah.

- Oh, went great.
- Well, tell me about her.

Uh-- She's everything
Jeff said, uh, she was.

That's terrific.

There was, unfortunately, one
casualty from the evening.

What did you do? What happened?

[Larry] Your shirt got ruined.

What the fuck happened to the shirt?

[Larry] I'm so sorry.

The chef yelled out "Irasshaimase"

as I was pouring soy sauce, and...

it scared me, and-- and
I... got it on the shirt.

Looks like you were a part of
a home birth or something.

So, it-- So-- So soy sauce
spilled all over it.

I put soap on it, and, uh...

You never put soap on
a fabric like this.

I didn't know soap stains.

Ah, fuck.
I loved this shirt, man.

I'm so sorry.

You know, I called the
company to replace it

and they don't make it anymore.

How-- How do you replace
someone's favorite shirt?

What? Favorite shirt?
What are you talking--

You just don't buy another one.

- Favorite shirt?
- Yeah, it's my favorite shirt.

- You loaned me your favorite shirt?
- Yes.

Why would you loan me
your favorite shirt?

Because I'm a friend and
you were uncomfortable

going on the date.

Still, you don't give out
your favorite shirt.

- Oh yeah, it's my fault.
- Everybody knows that.

What do we do?
How do we get out of this?

- I don't know.
- This is horrible.

I'm happy to replace it
with any shirt you want.

We can go shopping or--

I think the thing that would--
would mean something to me

would be you actually...

giving me your favorite shirt.

That's really biblical,
real eye-for-eye stuff.

I'm not giving you my favorite shirt.

That's out of the question.

Okay, fine.

Don't give me your favorite shirt.

Just give me the gray and
blue, uh, two-tone shirt.

You're not getting my blue
and gray two-tone, okay?

You don't give up a two-tone.
That's my favorite shirt.

You know it.
It's not even up for discussion.

You never give up a two-tone, ever.

Okay. I don't know that I
feel much like eating.

I'm glad the date went well...

and that I could be a friend
when you needed one.

[Larry] Oh, come on!

- Sorry, Freddy.
- Yeah.

Say sorry with the two-tone.

Pick out any shirt in
the closet you want.

Any one!

Why does it have to be the
blue and gray two-tone?

Irasshaimase!

Ah! Mr. Takahashi.

You don't say "Irasshaimase" here!

You know, I said it at the
Japanese restaurant,

and they didn't like it either.

That's because when you say
it, it sound redneck.

I'm not saying it right?
What-- How do you say it?

- "Irasshaimase. "
- "Irasshaimase."

No, no, no. Terrible.

- Huh?
- [Mr. Takahashi] You know terrible?

- Yeah.
- That's you.

Okay. All right. Okay.

Totemo kanashii.

Saul Berman.

- He not make it.
- Oh.

It's interesting because you would think

that having a heart attack at
a country club like this,

- there'd be doctors around.
- No.

- Only plastic surgeon here.
- Hmm.

One more time "Irasshaimase" here, out!

Bakayarou!

We're not open, sir.

- Yes.
- Ah. Mr. David.

Hi. Uh...

I left my umbrella here last night.

Can you describe the umbrella?

It's a green umbrella.
It says "Dallas Omni Hotel."

- Hmm.
- Yeah. There-- There it is.

It's right there.

Oh. You mean this umbrella?

Yeah. Yes.

Why does it say "Dallas Omni Hotel?"

I was staying in the hotel.
It was raining.

They-- They let me take the umbrella

when I went to the airport.

That's what they do for their guests.

Should I return it to you
or Dallas Omni Hotel?

Return it to me!
I'll return it to the hotel!

Anyway, it's really not your business.

- Give me the umbrella.
- No, no, no. We will return it for you.

You don't need to return it for me!

I'll return it myself!
It's not your umbrella!

But it's not yours either.

I borrowed it.
I'll return it. Okay?

Mr. David, I will be honored
to return this for you.

No. It would be my honor
if you gave it to me.

- Oh, it will be more our honor.
- No, it's my honor!

- No, my honor!
- My honor!

My honor! I want that umbrella!
That's my umbrella!

It is not your umbrella.

All right. Enough of this. Just--

You have no right to do this!

No right! You're stealing!

- You wanna call--
- I'm calling the police!

- Oh! Let's call the police!
- You're stealing!

A bald man steal umbrella!
Yes, let's report!

What do you care about
the Dallas Omni Hotel?

Because there's a rule and
regulation for everything.

- Ah.
- Ah!

Yeah, I see.
Now, I get the whole thing.

You're upset about-- that I
irasshaimased last night, right?

No, no, no, no--

Customer's not supposed to Irasshaimase.

- I didn't know. Nobody told me.
- Oh, I told you.

All right, but--

You did not follow the
rule and regulation.

Oh, I'm sorry if I didn't
follow the Irasshaimase rules.

Oh, no. Umbrella rule you
didn't follow either.

Oh... Oh...
The precious Irasshaimase rule!

"Only chef Irasshaimase!"
What a bunch of crap!

I'll Irasshaimase any time I want!

I like irasshaimaseing!
It's very welcoming!

It feels very good to Irasshaimase,

and I'll continue to Irasshaimase!

I didn't steal the umbrella, okay?

You're stealing the umbrella!

- Oh, yes!
- You're stealing! Yeah! You're stealing!

The Irasshaimase! Oh! So sacred!
Irasshaimase! Irasshaimase!

Oh, come on!

♪ ♪

This makes four, Inspector.

Four defenseless women here
in the heart of London.

And every one with the right forefinger

hacked off.

[Sherlock Holmes] Not hacked, Inspector Gregson.

Cleanly, expertly severed.

[Gregson] Is there no way of
stopping this, Mr. Holmes?

[Holmes] There's a way, somehow.

[Gregson] We can't get far
without knowing the motive.

[Holmes] Well, at least we know what the motives were not.

It wasn't robbery, nor passion,
thanks be, nor yet vengeance,

because they all came of
totally unrelated families.

Steady, Inspector. Steady.

"Steady, Inspector. Steady."

- [Gregson] Sorry, Mr. Holmes.
- [Holmes] Yes, it's horrible.

Come on, let's get a drink.

"Let's get a drink."

[Dr. Watson] Well, whoever's behind all
this thing must be out of his mind.

On the contrary, my dear fellow.

- "On the contrary, my dear fellow."
- [Holmes] The most brilliant

and ruthless intellect the
world has ever known.

You don't mean Professor Moriarty.

- I do.
- Oh, steady, Holmes.

You've got him on the brain.

"Steady Holmes, you've
got him on the brain."

- What are you doin'? What are you doin' here?
- Oh! Hey!

Um...

I'm getting a new television

and Jeff said you have a great one.

He told me to come over

and let myself in and check it out

and, you know, make myself
at home. So, you know--

Clearly you did, just
lying on the couch, huh?

- Oh, my feet weren't on there.
- Uh-huh?

Did you notice where my feet were,

- how they were on the corner?
- Yeah. Yeah.

I hope you saw that.

Is it so terrible for a
person to look relaxed?

I don't understand what you're
doing here in the first place.

You looked at the TV, now leave!

I'm in the middle of this movie.

- In my house!
- [Larry] Sherlock Holmes!

Somebody's chopping off
women's fingers, okay?

- Uh-huh?
- And Holmes is on the case!

He's on the case he'll solve
it. You could leave.

Okay, fine. Can I tape it?

No, because that would require

you returning to the scene
of the crime to watch it!

Is there any way you could
DVR it and then email it?

What am I, the fucking AV Squad?

No, I don't think so!

- Fine. I'll leave.
- Thank you.

By the way, there was somebody
who rang bell earlier.

- [Susie Greene] Who was it?
- I don't know, I didn't answer.

It was my dress.
It was my dress being delivered.

I need it for the event this weekend.

Why didn't you fucking answer it?

This is not my house. I'm not
even supposed to be here.

- Why am I answering your door?
- But you were here!

Yeah, I was here literally,
but not figuratively.

All right, you know what?
You go pick the dress up for me.

All right? 'Cause you couldn't get
off your ass to go to the door,

then you can go drive all the way

to the dressmaker and pick it up for me!

I don't understand. If I
wasn't here, the guy knocks,

nobody answers, and you still
don't get your dress.

So how's it my fault?

But you were here! So now,
you go pick up my dress!

- "Steady, Inspector. Steady."
- What?

All right.
I'll pick up your dress for you,

but I feel it's only fair to warn you

that this path you're on
is quite treacherous...

and can lead to unforeseen consequences.

Oh! No shit, Sherlock!

Just get the fucking dress, okay?

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Oh, hey. Thanks for coming.
Thank you.

[Larry] What? Oh, no!

Oh, my God!
Are you fucking kidding me?

Oh, my God.

- Hello.
- Hey, it's me.

Uh-- Where are you?
The thing's about to start.

I'm on Longbow.

I took my shortcut, but
it's not working.

- There's traffic.
- [Jeff] Oh, you're kidding.

[Larry] Oh, come on!

Why is there so much traffic?

There's never traffic on this shortcut!

And I think Gabby must have
told people about it.

- [Jeff] Ah...
- I knew it!

I knew I shouldn't have told her!

How long till you're here?

I think I'm just gonna
turn around and go home.

What?
So, you'll be a little late.

Yeah. I--
I can't sit in traffic.

I'm-- I'm too smart.
I'm not like these people.

You have to have done something
stupid to be in traffic.

I don't belong here.
I'm gonna turn around.

[Larry] Tell--
Tell Hal I'm sorry.

Larry's not coming.
Too much traffic.

- Turned around and went home.
- Ah.

Did he mention to you
what he did to my shirt?

Why did you give him
your favorite shirt?

I guess it's my fault.
You think it's my fault?

No.

What would you do if someone
asked for a nice shirt?

Uh... if it's my friend,
I'd give it to 'em.

And then if they spilled, what
would be your expectation?

That they'd get it cleaned
and or replace it.

Yeah.

That's right.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Devoted husband
to his lovely wife, Anna,

caring and loving father to
his sons, Hal and Caleb,

and, on occasion,

not a bad golfer.

I know he would've been very gratified

to see all his friends and colleagues

who came out to pay tribute

to this wonderful, wonderful man,

one of whom
I'd like to bring up right now.

- Freddy Funkhouser.
- I miss him.

Thank you.

Saul was a terrible golfer.

Unless there was a little
scratch on the line.

Then, he was Jack Nicklaus.

- [Freddy] I loved him.
- Ah, Freddy. He loved you.

These moments matter.

And to look out and see...

everyone here who made such
a sacrifice to be here,

I know for the family,
it means everything.

Larry David, uh, couldn't
make it here today.

He got stuck in traffic,

and he turned around and went home.

[Freddy] You know,
Saul was the kind of guy

that would give you the
shirt off his back,

even if it was his favorite one.
He wouldn't care.

And if he was the one to stain
that shirt? Guess what.

He would've given you his
favorite shirt back.

He wouldn't just put his
head in the sand...

and make it uncomfortable for everybody.

Probably would've given you two shirts.

♪ ♪

What the hell's going on here?

I'm gettin' a lot of dirty looks.

- Uh... Freddy.
- What?

Well, when he spoke,

he said, "Larry David
couldn't be here today

because he got stuck in
traffic and turned around."

What? Is he nuts?
Why would he do that?

- I don't know. I don't know.
- That's crazy!

It's 'cause I ruined his
favorite shirt. I stained it.

Who gives their favorite shirt out?

- No-- No-- Nobody.
- Who lends it?

- You don't do that.
- [Jeff] No. No.

And by the way, so what
if I missed the funeral?

I went to his second wedding,

I went to his 60th birthday party.

How many things is somebody supposed to
go through in their life? It's crazy!

Then throw in a graduation on
top of it, a bar mitzvah!

- Yeah.
- I mean, there's no end to it!

What do they want from you?

None of this is your fault.
It's all Gabby's fault. Yeah.

- 'Cause she's got a big mouth...
- Mm-hmm.

- All right. You ready for this?
- What?

I know what happened with Hal.

- I figured it out.
- What?

She must've asked for a
secret on their date...

then told everybody about
the mother-in-law.

No doubt about it.

- That's it.
- You nailed it!

[Larry] She's a blabbermouth.

- What an idiot!
- Yes.

Who goes on a date and goes

"By the way,
I fucked my mother-in-law"?

- I know, it's so crazy.
- [Jeff] It's crazy!

But that's why he's not talking to you.

So, you're-- you're done with her?
You're not gonna see her anymore?

- Oh. No, I'm gonna see her.
- Oh, you are?

- Oh, yeah.
- Oh.

[Jeff] Ah! Mr. Takahashi.

Mr. Takahashi!

In honor of Saul Berman, the
club will be mourning.

So, no revelry.

- Smiling okay?
- No. Not even smiling.

- Chuckling?
- No chuckling.

Hey, let me ask you a question.

Do you ever go to Katsuya?

- Oh, Katsuya?
- [Larry] Yeah.

Yes, my favorite.

Could you do me a favor?

I left an umbrella there,

and they won't give it back to me.

Why not get new umbrella?

Oh, because you can't
replace this umbrella.

It holds up in gale-force winds.
It never goes inside out.

It's the best umbrella
I ever had.

No umbrella like that.

This umbrella is like that.

- Sou desu ka?
- What does that mean?

- "Is that right?"
- Oh... "Sou desu ka."

- "Sou desu ka. "
- "Sou desu ka."

- "Sou desu ka. "
- "Sou desu ka."

- [Jeff] "desu ka. "
- "Sou desu ka."

"Sou desu ka."
Anyway, what do you think?

Could you get it back for me?

No!

♪ ♪

[Susie] Coming!

♪ ♪

Are you fucking kidding me?

No good?

[Gabby] You're a sharp
dresser, you know that?

- [Larry] Yeah.
- What is this? This, uh... shirt?

- It's one of my two-tones.
- What's a two-tone?

It's got, uh, two different colors

for the inside and the outside.

Do you ever dress up?
Do you have a tux?

[Larry] Yes.
Of course I have a tux.

[Gabby] Do you enjoy getting dressed
up or it's just the casual?

It's not the dressing up part
that's disturbing to me

it's where you go after
you're dressed up.

- Tuxedo itself is fine. Yeah.
- Yeah.

Like, if I just sat in the
house with a tuxedo on,

that would be okay.

You'd be okay just watching some sports?

Yeah. As long as I don't
have to go to the place

where I have to wear the tux.

So, um, I had to go to the
valley the other day.

- Mmm.
- Imagine my surprise...

when the traffic was backed
up to Sunset Boulevard.

You...

...opened your big, gentile mouth.

I told two friends.

Two friends with very long commutes,

by the way. But that's--

That is not enough to make a-- a-- a--

- A traffic jam to Sunset.
- No, no! It is!

Two friends tell two other friends

tell two other friends!

- It's like the coronavirus.
- I am sorry...

and I promise
I won't tell anybody else.

You know what? Even though...

you gabbed and gave away
a precious secret...

Yes?

...I'm still considering
having sex with you.

I'm not taking it off the table.

You're not taking it off the table?

- No, no. For now.
- Okay.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Eh...

We'll see how it goes.

- [Larry] ...Brussels sprouts.
- [Gabby] Ew!

So many things to find out about you!

- Oh, welcome back!
- Thank you.

- Oh, you're back too.
- [Larry] That's right.

Uh-- I asked for the same table.

- Right this way.
- [Larry] That-- That's okay.

We'll find it. Yeah.

Did you mail that umbrella?

- Uh-- Please, enjoy your dinner.
- Yeah, thank you. Yeah.

- Irasshaimase!
- Irasshaimase!

He steal umbrella from
Dallas Omni Hotel!

- She slept with student!
- He ask her to prom!

What?

- You told them?
- No, I didn't.

- You swore to me.
- I didn't say anything.

He was captain of basketball team!

She blew him in car!

♪ ♪

Gochisousama deshita!

Arigatou gozaimashita!

- Thank you for coming, Mr. David.
- Oh, yeah. Sure.

Oh, my God! Look! Look at this!
Look what's going on here!

[Larry] Look! Look at this!

Hey!
That's my umbrella!

No.

It's Dallas Omni Hotel umbrella.

♪ ♪