Original subtitles

Live from the Netflix's The Joke Festival, welcome to A Really Bad Idea.

It's the roast of Kevin Hart.

And Philly is definitely in the house.

Please welcome the roundest thing on tires, Shane Gillis.

Welcome to the roast of Kevin Hart live in Los Angeles where we're, yeah.

Where we're here to celebrate a guy we used to like in a city that was once

important.

Kevin will be out in a minute, I'm sure he's backstage fucking shadowboxing or

doing a group prayer or whatever the fuck he does.

I'm your extremely white host, Shane Gillis.

White host.

Big applause.

All right.

I'd just like to thank Netflix for choosing me to host this celebration of

black excellence.

Look, I'm not saying there's a lot of black people here tonight, but backstage

a production assistant asked me what color drank I want in my dressing room.

Chose purple.

I'm going to be setting the tone, but to help us with the rhythm, please welcome

Philadelphia's own, the legendary, Grammy Award winning, The Roots.

Welcome everyone to the roast of Kevin Hart.

We're about to roast your ass.

Yes. Yes.

Hey! The world.

I can't figure it out.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Wow.

See, it's burning me to hold on to this.

I know this is something I got to do, but I don't know why you chose to do

this. What you about to do?

You see, your friend's sandwiched you at your bed.

What? But tonight, I'm going to need you to have a seat because we're going to

talk about your worst.

Yeah.

Okay, Kevin.

Go ahead. Go ahead.

What the fuck is going on?

Yeah.

Flexing baby shoes. Yeah, you know that you're glowing.

Your movies do too.

They burn.

Break it down.

You son of a bitch.

Loser. Can you feel it burning?

balls on you, Usher.

You got some fucking balls on you, man.

I said, come out here and set the shit off for me and have a good fucking time.

You come out here and do a song I've never heard.

You can go fuck yourself for all I care.

Come on, man. That's it.

Let's do it big one time. Come on, Kev.

The fuck you gonna do with those?

The fuck you about to do with those?

I mean, you know.

Usher, if you don't get them cherries, the fuck out my face.

Get them fucking cherries out my goddamn face, man.

Get your ass out.

stage, man.

So get off the fucking stage. Hey, listen.

Congratulations.

Good luck.

You don't need it, buddy.

Yeah, yeah. You know what, Usher?

Fuck you. How about that?

Fuck you, Usher.

You can take whatever friendship we had and throw it in the trash.

Y'all make sure y'all go see my guy on tour. He's on the stadium tour. Go get

your fucking tickets.

That's my brain.

What's going on, Los Angeles? Make some goddamn noise in this bitch tonight.

I want to welcome y'all to the roast of him, of that nigga,

me.

That's right, Kevin Hart.

We are about to have a good goddamn time tonight, guys. And you know what I love

to do? I love to fucking set the tone.

I love to make sure that the people inside the room are possessed with the

energy that we need so that we can have a good fucking time. So I'm going to ask

you again, are y'all ready to have a good fucking time tonight?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm going to tell you right now, this is going to be way better than the Tom

Brady roast. Way better.

Way better.

The reason why is because I'm not a bitch.

Tom is a bitch. Tom sat there the whole time.

With the fucking white man face.

Went on radio stations after.

Shut the fuck up, Tom.

He was a bitch. Roots, was Tom a bitch?

Yeah, goddamn right he was. He was a fucking bitch.

I ain't no bitch.

You bring whatever it is that you got. I can give two fucks. You go and say what

you want to say.

Say it. I don't give a shit.

At the end of the day, I'm Kevin.

Motherfucking Huck.

I'm the man up in this bitch. Yeah.

Yeah.

Y'all know what I'm talking about.

That's right, Los Angeles.

Jesus, do you ever shut the fuck up?

Have you even left the forum?

Or have you just been here screaming into that mic the last two years waiting

for daddy to come home?

Well, unlike your real dad, I actually showed up. Oh, you son of a bitch.

You son of a bitch.

And I brought you a jersey.

Oh, you son of a bitch.

That's newborn size.

Does that fit you? Give me the fucking jersey. All right, sit down.

Fucking hobbit.

All right, this won't take long because, as you guys know, I'm a busy man. But I

do have a few words for you before I return to my affairs in Las Vegas.

Oh, wait.

I'm talking about affairs in Las Vegas. Was that off?

I'm not supposed to talk about affairs in Vegas?

I think I broke another rule.

Fuck it, I talked about it.

So what was it that you were screaming at my rose?

to get comfortable being uncomfortable.

You had that podium.

Those were your words, Kevin.

Who's squirming that little high chair now, bitch?

Put a pillow underneath. Make you look taller.

Hey, Kevin, what the fuck have you done to my roast?

Seriously, I played in the NFL for 23 seasons, but I've never seen anyone drop

the ball like this.

How did the goat roast go from me to you?

I won seven Super Bowls.

Kevin has been in two ride-along movies.

I've won five Super Bowl MVP awards.

Kevin, you're the third most famous person in Jumanji.

That was a good movie, though.

And look at this pathetic deus.

I guess it wouldn't be a Kevin Hart project if it wasn't a shitty sequel.

You've got Cheryl Underwood.

Big Jay Oakerson?

Naeem Lin?

Who the fuck are these people?

And how did they get here? I thought they shut down Spirit Airlines.

And what happened to Nikki

Glaser? She looks like shit.

Oh, my bad. Sorry, Chelsea.

Draymond Green is here.

Yeah.

Draymond's here.

For now.

He'll probably get thrown out in the next ten minutes.

You know we're not roasting Steve Kerr, right?

And it looks like we actually have some real Eagles fans here.

Yeah.

Not like Kevin, who only shows up at the big games when the Eagles are playing

well. You know, Kev, we actually have a name for those people. They're called

Cowboys fans.

And when I run into Eagles fans, they always want to bring up the Philly

Special. They love to talk about the Philly Special.

Yeah, I don't.

And I tell them, hey.

His name is Shane Gillis. Have some respect.

You're special.

Kevin, you took a lot of shots at my family during my roast.

But I'm too classy to go after your beautiful wife.

Or am I?

What's up, girl?

I know in the past people you've been accused of being homophobic. And I

really hope that's not true because you're about to get that teeny tiny

little ass of yours reamed tonight.

And I cannot wait to watch this.

Payback's a bitch and so are you, Kevin Hart. Let's fucking go.

The main event, Kevin Hart versus...

Well,

that was fucking annoying.

God, a lot of arrogant people here.

Now, Kevin, if you're thinking this is just going to be a bunch of jokes about

you being short and annoying, that's true.

We will be doing that.

But we're also going to be talking about how you're a shitty comedian, a star

fucker, and an absentee father.

We're all here to honor Kevin Hart.

And what a better way to do that than to take a paycheck while pretending to have

fun.

You're a whore, Kevin.

Speaking of whores, hey, Chelsea.

Yeah.

We have Chelsea Handler, middle name Penis.

Penis Handler.

That's going to catch on. Alright, fuck you guys. That was my best one.

If you guys upgrade your account from standard to premium, Chelsea turns into

a male comedian.

Oh, this is going to be terrible.

If that was offensive, I'm fucked. Alright.

My buddy Big Jay Oakerson is here. Give it up for Jay.

Jay's the only guy in the Epstein files for actual pizza.

I don't know if you can see it, but he paints his fingernails, which, you know,

that's kind of weird, huh?

He's like a 50-year-old emo goth comedian.

You guys ready for crowd work? Yeah.

Anyway.

Big J gets a new manicure every week because apparently Fat Girl Pussy Juice

dissolves nail polish.

What do you mean, Jesus Christ? Oh, this is going to go so bad.

I know what's going to happen. I know how bad this is. All right, fuck it.

My friend Tony Hinchcliffe is here. Give it up for Tony.

Tony Hinchcliffe looks like he burns things in his living room and waits for

the firefighters to come rescue him.

When they asked Tony if he wanted to roast Kevin Hart, he got so excited he

spit all the cum out of his mouth.

Hell yeah, Kev. Thank you.

Tony Hinchcliffe is the only guy that goes to Trump rallies just so he can

dance to the village people.

I've been to Tony's apartment in Austin.

He literally has thrones.

For real.

Tony has a throne overlooking Austin.

Austin is a 19-year-old twink who lives across the street and works out without

his shirt on.

Cheryl Underwood is here. Give it up for Cheryl.

Cheryl's a lifelong Republican, and she's actually thinking about getting

into politics. She's running for a seat in the Big Mama's House of

Representatives.

Cheryl's husband killed himself.

Apparently, black does crack if it's married to Cheryl and jumps off a

fucking roof.

I'd do it for the balcony. I'd do it for the upper decks.

Fuck all these people down here.

Why would you put rich pussies down here? Look at these animals up here.

Yeah.

Fucking right.

Regina Hall is here.

I think her, yeah.

Hey,

Regina, how are you?

Her husband's doing well, so we're just going to move on from that.

Naeem Lin is here. He's one of Kevin's best friends, openers and writers. Give

it up for him.

Naeem's a really good writer. Him and Kevin worked together on The Roast of

Tom Brady, where Naeem came up with such classics like That Was Crazy, and Oh,

Hell No, and everyone's favorite, Damn, She Went There.

Guy's a fucking genius.

Pete Davidson's here. Give it up for Pete.

Pete Davidson, a.k.a. Wigger Dracula.

Ivan Tosok at Comedy.

Just having fun, a little fun, dude.

Pete recently got all of his tattoos removed, so now you actually have to

talk to him to find out he's a complete fucking idiot.

That's all I got, dude.

Draymond Green is here. Give it up for Draymond.

Yeah, sick, yeah, fuckin' boo!

With a name like Draymond Green, he only had a few options in life.

Pro athlete, pimp in a documentary, or wealthy cartoon duck.

He plays for the Golden State Warriors.

Golden State Warriors sounds like a nickname they had for people who died of

AIDS in the 1980s.

The Golden State Warriors logo is a bridge.

Don't show that to Cheryl's husband.

Seriously, keep that bridge away from Cheryl's husband.

I called her yesterday.

Shut up.

I was really, I felt terrible about that. I had to call her. All right.

She was crazy about it. She was like, you gonna make fun of my husband who

fell off a bridge?

I'm like, yep.

And speaking of black men who once made an impact years ago, Kevin Hart.

Here's a fun fact about Kevin. Kevin has a 44-inch vertical leap.

And I know that because he can kiss his wife on the lips.

Being 5'1 sucks, but at least you can tell them apart from all the other

blacks.

Yeah, they told me to be racist, huh?

What am I going to make fun of? Oh, you got a huge dick and you're a

billionaire? Yeah.

When you see Kevin stand next to all his normal-sized black friends, he looks

like the period at the end of a sentence.

Yes. Yes, Kevin, thank you.

This is where... To really understand Kevin's origins, you have to go back to

the beginning.

Kevin's ancestors came to America in a slave ship and a bottle.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The bottle.

He grew up in Philadelphia where his mother worked at the University of

Pennsylvania and his father was one of the California raisins.

I'm just joking around. He wasn't raising anybody.

Unfortunately, that's true.

Kevin's dad wasn't there for him because he was addicted to cocaine, which is a

lot more respectable than not being there for your kids because you're

filming fucking Jumanji 3.

That's pathetic.

A lot of people say Kevin's movies are formulaic. Yeah,

baby formula.

That was the best one.

We were like, yo, baby formula.

And every time you put one of Kevin's movies on, you say to yourself, Ah, I

see where this is dang.

Now, he wasn't always a movie star. He's had a few setbacks. Kevin got a DUI.

Isn't that funny? Just a little tiny DUI, his feet barely reaching the

pedals.

It's a cute DUI.

It was actually, honestly, it was a pretty serious accident. He wrapped his

micromachine around a dandelion.

Anyway.

Things got worse for Kevin only a few years later when he got fired from the

Oscars for homophobia.

They found an old tweet of his where he said if his son was gay, he would break

a dollhouse over his head.

I know, that's crazy.

He used to be funny. How about that?

That was really funny. That was so long ago.

After that, after he got fired for being homophobic, he went on like an apology

tour. We had to go around and do interviews and shit. And in one of the

interviews, he said, I'm in love with the man I'm becoming.

Gay.

Fucking homo.

I'm going to break a dollhouse over his head after that fucking shit.

I guess one of the reasons no one can afford a house in America these days is

because Kevin keeps breaking them over his son's fucking head.

A few months ago.

Kevin performed at the Riyadh Comedy Festival, sponsored by the Saudi

government.

They actually, they offered me a ton of money to do it, but I said no. Kevin

said yes.

The reason I said no was to honor the brave police officers and firefighters

who lost their lives that day.

Right, Pete?

Kevin actually did really well in Saudi Arabia, but only because they thought he

was the monkey from Aladdin.

Abu. They were thinking about Abu.

Abu.

Abu, which is actually coincidentally what Kevin hears every time he puts out

one of his dog shit specials.

Abu.

Kevin didn't just do comedy in Saudi Arabia. They actually gave him a sword

and a shield and they made him fight a scorpion.

And then at night, they'd put one of those little falcon helmets on him so he

could go to sleep.

All right.

Well, look, I know this day is just full of degenerate scumbags, and they're

going to be up here saying a lot of racist, terrible things tonight.

But, yeah, you guys like that?

But not me.

I'm not going to be doing that. I've got a nice PG short joke that I'd like you

guys to be a part of, okay?

Kevin is so short.

Kevin's so short that they're going to have to lynch him from a bonsai tree.

That was three weeks of deliberation on that joke.

Look, I understand how serious the word lynch is, but bonsai is so funny.

Anyway, you're the fucking man, and I'm happy to be here, and I genuinely love

you, and seriously, you're a once-in-a-lifetime talent, and

unfortunately, that lifetime is ours.

Let's get this fucking show started.

And now, our first roaster of the night, the Roastmaster General, Jeff Ross.

What's up, Rose fans?

Look at this place.

Everybody's here tonight. Wow, wow, wow.

John Stamos, Usher, I see you, George Wallace, and Peter Dinklage.

Blackface is never okay.

Kevin Hart.

We've been friends a long time, but the world first fell in love with you when

Michael Jackson dangled you over that balcony.

Tonight, live all over the world, we celebrate the crack baby that could.

The preemie with a dreamie.

The man who put the elf in Philadelphia.

The great Eddie Smurphy.

You know, Kev, those mic drops aren't as cool when you're dropping them from two

feet, right?

Yeah, tonight I dress like your idol, Eddie Murphy, because he's not coming.

Your idol doesn't give a fuck about you, Kevin.

No, Eddie, but we did get Donkey from Shrek.

Say hello to Cheryl Underwood.

Cheryl's pronouns are hee-haw.

I love you, Cheryl Underwood.

By the way, Underwood is also where they found Pete Davidson's dad on 9-11.

Pete Stout was a firefighter that died heroically and somehow Pete gets all the

pussy his dad deserves.

In honor of his dad, Pete only fucks nines and elevens.

Hit it.

I love this.

Comics roasting comics.

You don't see a lot of guys who look like Shane Gillis in L.A. unless they're

handcuffing a Mexican toddler.

Jersey's finest, Chelsea Handler. I love you so much, Chelsea. I do.

I do.

Chelsea told me she's been getting into microdosing, which is what she calls

fucking a white guy.

Congrats, Chels.

I read you just bought your new house from RFK Jr.

Hey, do you want to see my bag of raccoon dicks?

And then RFK was like, no thanks, Chelsea, I have my own.

Steph Curry couldn't make it tonight, but he did carry Draymond Green all the

way here.

Love you, buddy. I'm not going to make fun of you because you're violent.

You've been ejected more times than a Kevin Hart DVD.

Tony Hinchcliffe, so proud of you.

Tony, I love you like a little brother, but I've had it up to here with your

politics.

Everyone's here, baby. Look at this place. Everyone loves you, Kevin Hart.

MGK.

Fuck.

For a guy who's only going to need one pallbearer someday, you sure have a lot

to choose from.

What a story. What a story. Your dad was a street hustler and addicted to crack

cocaine.

So I guess being dependent on the rock runs in the family.

Hit it.

Kevin, I know your dad walked out on you, and then I went to see one of your

movies, and then I walked out on you.

Maybe you're spending too much time in the gym working out. It's arm day. It's

leg day. When is it script day?

Do you even read these pieces of shit before you say yes?

Come on, spell Jumanji.

And sure, sure, Kevin went to a ditty party. So what?

They just locked him in a room and put Paw Patrol on his iPad.

Kevin always flies private. What a waste of leg room.

Yes, Kev, people mock you for being short.

But you know who else was short?

Prince.

Prince was 5'2". We just don't talk about it a lot because Prince was great.

But you, Kev, you're not just an entertainer, you're a brand.

You're like Martha Stewart, but without the respect of the black community.

And I can say that because I'm dressed like Eddie Murphy.

Hit it. Ah, never mind.

Play something sweet.

Today's Mother's Day.

Shout out to the mom.

And the motherfuckers.

Kevin, I both lost our moms way too soon, and I'm sorry yours isn't here

tonight to see all the love in the room.

I know how important she was in your life.

She was strict.

One time you were acting up, and she beat you with a Hot Wheels track. Is

that right?

But Kevin being Kevin was undaunted, put the track back together, got in his Hot

Wheels car, and drove right to Hollywood.

You always say, everybody wants to be famous, but nobody wants to do the work.

You do the work. You're a motivator.

And you don't know this, Kevin, but you motivated me.

At the last roast, you said, every time you look at me, I look thicker and

thicker.

And everybody laughed, and that hurt.

But you inspired me to go and get my first colonoscopy.

And that cancer screening was more entertaining than any screening you've

ever invited me to.

They found a stage three tumor in my colon.

But luckily, like you, Kevin, it stopped growing.

If you hadn't made fun of me and saved me from colon cancer, I wouldn't have

been able to come up here tonight and shit all over you.

Thank you for saving my life, little buddy.

I love you.

The Roastmaster General, everybody. Give it up for Jeff Rock.

And how about an even bigger applause to all the Roastmaster soldiers that just

wrote all those jokes for him.

What you talking about, Gillis?

If you're wondering why Jeff is dressed as Eddie Murphy, good.

You should be. It doesn't make any sense, and it's kind of embarrassing.

Jeff's face looks like it fell out of a fucking lava lamp.

They could have used it on me.

What you talking about, Gillis?

That's good.

That's good.

Jeff's the only guy to kiss the wailing wall and use tongue.

A lot of Jews here tonight. That's not good.

Well, I meant for the jokes, not just in general. You get it. Whatever. Fuck you.

Oh, not us. Shut up.

Our next roaster is Naeem Lin.

Yeah, Naeem.

Naeem, that's a dumb name.

It sounds like the noises a deaf guy makes when he gets stuck trying to put

on a turtleneck.

Naeem.

Naeem.

I'd say Naeem is like family to Kevin, but they actually spend a lot of time

together. Please welcome Naeem Land, everybody.

Give it up for Naeem.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, everyone. I'm probably the most unrecognizable face up here. I have a TV

show, but it comes on BET.

I've been working with Kevin for 25 years, and this motherfucker said he put

me in this roast because it could help my career.

You could have helped my career by putting me in a movie 15 years ago.

You about to do Ride Along 3, and I still ain't rode along.

Looks you over there all proud, like a father that finally showed up on draft

night.

You arrogant fuck. When Kevin first told me about the roast, he said, Tom Brady

did 100 million views, so I'm probably going to do 200 million views.

This motherfucker think he more famous than Tom Brady.

Tom has seven Super Bowl rings. That's like seven Oscars.

You're 46 with a Kids' Choice Award.

You don't have an Oscar, an Emmy, a Tony, or a Grammy.

The only Grammy you had died in 1985.

Oh, no, Mama.

Grammy died.

Where we gonna live now?

The only thing that you and Tom Brady got in common is you both love your

career more than your wife.

I'm sorry, Nico.

Kev, did you know you're the only second black person to be roasted in the last

30 years?

It's just you and your brother, Flavor Flav.

This guy's a fucking scam artist. How the fuck you promoting fitness and

tequila?

You told me all these big names were going to be up here. Look at this batch

of bullshit up here, man.

What the fuck is Draymond Green doing here?

Stupid ass name. What the fuck is a Draymond?

Your mother didn't know who your father was, so she just combined two of the

guys' names.

Who the daddy, girl?

It's either Andre or Lamond.

I'm just calling him Draymond.

Your name sounds like an ugly paint color.

And I was thinking about making the kitchen Draymond Green.

Man, I thought The Rock would at least be here because I got some shit to say

about him. But actually, you know, it's good he's not here because I'd rather

talk shit behind his back. I feel safer.

Big J, you be The Rock.

Alright, this is the closest you'll get to being in shape, so savor the moment.

Rock, I'm sick of your shit.

Fucking sellout, always playing the white guy in movies.

Nigga, please.

Ain't no white guys named Dwayne.

If you apply for a job at Target and you write Dwayne Johnson on it, that shit's

going in the trash.

That's a DEI joke, you stupid motherfucker.

Let me chill. I don't want no smoke with rock.

That's what almost killed Lamar Odom.

Jeff Ross is here collecting this one check for the year.

Yeah.

This might be Jeff's last rose if he don't get that kidney.

Jeff, you look like the only kid that Michael Jackson visited in the hospital

that lived.

Make a wish, motherfucker.

Chelsea Handler, yeah.

Hey, Chelsea.

I see you over there aging at the speed of white.

Take a picture of Chelsea now. I guarantee you won't recognize her by the

end of the night.

Over there with all that makeup on.

casket ready i can't wait till they

do a remake of golden girls so you can get a fucking job again all right you'd

be like a less fuckable betty white and i'm not talking betty in her prime i'm

talking betty right now yeah betty's dead

We got one of the kings of comedy here, Cheryl Underwood.

Cheryl, they've been talking about doing a biopic on Kev's life. I think he'd be

great to play his dad.

Pete Davidson here. Pete is just another former SNL cast member that's going to

overdose at some point.

I don't like you, Pete.

Where the fuck is Dave Chappelle, man?

I thought, yeah, I thought... I thought he'd be here stealing more money from

Netflix.

I know you're watching, Dave. I saw your last special.

Some jokes would have been nice.

Hour-long speech, 20 million.

He's the reason the damn subscription goes up every six months.

By the way, Dave, Kev hates you.

He hates you more than the transgender community.

I actually don't know why the trans hate you. You're married to a Filipino

ladyboy.

Okay. They said I gotta say something nice before I go, so here goes.

Kev, you're not leaving an inspiration to me.

but to all comics and black people as a whole, because you didn't stop at just

being a great entertainer.

You became a mogul, a businessman, creating generational wealth for not

only your family, but other employees.

When slavery ended, we were promised 40 acres and a mule.

We didn't get our 40 acres, but we got our mule. That's you, my boy.

Keep it going for Naeem, everybody.

Yeah. He did great.

Also, Naeem, great choice there at the end to talk shit on Dave.

We'll let that go, for sure.

That was an interesting shot.

Our next roaster is Chelsea Handler.

She loves sex.

Isn't that interesting?

You should talk about it for 30 years, you fuck.

She even released her own sex tape.

Sex tape is also what she uses to keep from tripping over her own pussy lips.

Can you skip that part?

Go ahead.

Go ahead. There we go.

Chelsea is a Zionist.

I'm not saying that's good or bad.

Speaking of dead kids, she's a big fan of abortions.

Chelsea's been scraped more times than the grill at Benihana.

Speaking of tossing tiny shrimp into a child's mouth, Chelsea Handler went to

dinner at Jeffrey Epstein's house in 2010.

It's just a fun one.

You can look it up. There's articles. It wasn't like a big party. There was like

seven people there.

It was like Prince Andrew and Woody Allen were there.

Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, Chelsea Handler.

Oh, my God. Thank you, Shane.

And I thought I was going to have the best kiss on this day as tonight.

I saw you tonight. I thought, oh my God, is that Drewski in whiteface?

Happy Mother's Day, everybody. What a beautiful way to spend Mother's Day.

Shane, I feel like I could be your mother.

Mostly because you look like you have fetal alcohol syndrome.

Hi, everybody. It's me, your resident whore for the evening.

I just want to clarify, I'm rich, I'm famous, and I'm hot.

Obviously, I'm going to be fucking a lot of guys, okay?

Let's get the party started.

I'm just glad that my whore elevator never stops on any of your fucking

floors.

And Shane, just so you know, Judaism and Zionism are two different things. Kind

of like how Chinatown and Koreatown are two different things, but your favorite

slur works in both places.

Shane has been accused of being anti-Asian, which is ironic, considering

he has the complexion and physique of a steamed dumpling.

street is that Shane's a lazy lover and the only way to get him to go down on a

woman is to put pussy on the buffet at Golden Corral.

The first time I met Kevin was almost 20 years ago and I remember thinking, what

is 50 Cent's dick doing walking around all by itself?

think Kevin was discovered during one of the rocks colonoscopies but that's not

true I was actually one of the very few people very first people that gave Kevin

a platform for his comedy when I gave him a weekly spot on Chelsea lately and

I had no idea thank you I had no idea when I did

this that we would be subjected to three Jumanjis, two ride-alongs, two die

-hards, endless amounts of heart-to-hearts, and whatever make-a

-wish situation you have going on with the plastic fucking cup boys.

So first, I'm here to apologize.

And second, I'm here to do something we don't see white people do enough of in

Hollywood. Take credit for a black person's career.

I'm going to circle back to you in a minute because I am really here on

behalf of women in America and abroad.

Welcome to tonight's episode of To Catch a Predator.

This is a real who's who of statutory rapists.

We're all just lucky none of you could afford an island.

Netflix assembled this panel of men to remind us that there are worse things

than Louis C.K. jerking off in front of you.

Congratulations, you guys. You did it. You helped sway the last selection.

Way to go.

You should be proud, boys.

Now that your favorite leader is making the draft mandatory, I assume that all

of you will be signing up to go fight in Iran.

Or do you tough-talking pussies only go to the Middle East for comedy festivals?

Pinchcliffe is here.

Tony is what happens when women don't have safe access to abortion care.

Tony and Shane both live in Texas where abortion is illegal.

But on the upside, if you see one of them doing comedy, there's a pretty good

chance your uterus will start dry heaving on its own.

Tony is a real guy's guy, or what's more commonly known as a bottom.

you have the face of a school shooter and the personality of someone who gets

shot first.

Look at you. You look good. You got like a little Hollywood glow up.

I didn't know veneers came in deli mustard yellow.

But it actually looks a little bit better in person. You must be using

Crest White Supremacist strips.

Tony and Shane, this must be so exciting for you guys. Usually on Sunday nights,

you just burn a cross on someone's lawn.

And tonight, you get to roast a whole black guy.

Well, a half of one, because it's Kevin.

Tony, quick question. If you're here tonight, who's keeping Joe Rogan's balls

warm in their mouth?

Oakerson is here tonight.

Let's keep moving.

Cheryl Underwood.

Regina Hall. I'm not going to use my time to insult two black women when I'm

dealing with this fucking group of idiots.

Draymond Green is here tonight.

I like Draymond a lot. I like what you're putting down.

Draymond has achieved something many black men in the NBA have never

accomplished. He married a black woman.

In preparation for this roast, I looked up everybody's star signs. So I found

out I'm a Pisces, I know Pete is a Scorpio, and Jeff Ross has cancer.

Let's give it up for the least problematic man on the stage tonight,

Pete Davidson!

Whoever thought I would say that sentence?

Pete is our moral compass tonight.

Pete recently welcomed his first child that he knows of.

A beautiful baby girl. Congratulations, Pete, on becoming a father. I can see

you've turned over a new leaf. I'm just glad that Tony Hinchcliffe didn't have a

baby and that he has a daughter now. You know, if he had a daughter, her first

words would be, me too.

And now... Sorry, if you had a son.

And now back to Kevin.

Kevin had a DUI in 2013 and then had a little dipsy doodle off Mulholland in

2019.

And then had the nerve to call one of his movies Ride Along.

Even Tiger Woods is like, no thanks, I'll walk.

But I do want to congratulate you, Kevin, on your tequila. Kevin's tequila

is called Grand Core Amino.

which is Spanish for Eddie Murphy said fuck no.

It's the only tequila brand in the world where if you want to swallow a tiny

shriveled up little worm, Kevin will personally drive to your house and face

fuck you.

I do want to say this, however, about Kevin, because Kevin is one of the few

male comedians who's never been gross or inappropriate around me. He has never

been disrespectful to me.

or any other woman in his presence. And the only time he ever said anything

sexual was when he was shit-faced at one of the Chelsea Lately rap parties, and

you were like, he was like, Chelsea, Chelsea, Chelsea!

Chelsea, you fucked the wrong black guy!

You fucked the wrong black guy!

And I thought that was so cute that you thought there was only one.

is actually starting to look familiar but the worst thing about Kevin is if

you do Kevin one favor he will never stop asking you to do him more favors

and the reason people say yes is because it's the only way to get you to shut the

fuck up and somehow you seem to think that you're the greatest negotiator, the

best, is what you say. And I would like to let everyone here know that the most

recent favor Kevin asked me to do for him was to film his TV show, Funny AF,

which is a very gay name, by the way.

And it'd be a great show. You're right, it is a good show. But I was in Majorca

at the time, like any other rich white woman would be.

So after I said no to Kevin for the 11th time, Kevin chartered a private plane.

for me and my entire family to fly from Spain to Los Angeles.

Except here's the truth. My family was never with me, Kevin.

I just said that to get you to leave me alone. So you chartered a 16-seat

Gulfstream for me and my dog.

So I would like to correct the record from best negotiator to huge fucking

idiot.

Nice note, since this is a roast and everyone's so disgusting, I would just

like to say, as a woman, I am proud to be friends with a male comedian who

respects women, who spends time with his family, and who loves his wife, Aniko.

That makes me proud to be your friend. So I'm going to give you that, you

little fucking nugget.

It takes a lot of people. Yeah, how about one more time for Chelsea? Yeah,

yeah, yeah.

Fucking asshole.

It takes a lot of people to support the career of Kevin Hart.

Here to honor Kevin's stand-ins and body doubles, please welcome Lizzo.

you know, they gonna kick you out the lollipop guild.

Kevin, what's going on with this dayist?

I was promised real celebrities. Where are all your friends from the Diddy

Files?

You know all of them.

I feel overdressed right now.

Do y'all like my outfit?

I found it in Tony Hinchcliffe's closet.

Right next to Tony Hinchcliffe.

fan of my music um but the lyric is blame it on the juice not blame it on

the jews the fuck is wrong with you me and tony actually have something

in common i played james madison's crystal flute and he played donald

trump's skin flute chelsea um a flute is

something you wrap your lips around that won't leave you after you blow it just

want you to know that shane gillis

that introduction. You look good. You've been chasing your beard with milk.

Shane Gillis looked like somebody trying to draw Buzz Lightyear from memory.

I just made that one up on the spot.

Shane, I wrote you a song. In case nobody told you.

rest of us boy Draymond Green is here why

is everyone booing him I'm excited to see you personally I've never seen

Draymond Green in person I always thought he was just six Kevin Hart's in

a trench coat so that's fucking cool um Jeff Ross

looking like my bloody tampon Jeff

got ready for tonight by spending

in a swimming pool you know i believe that everybody is beautiful except for

you jeff you ugly as shit you look like an old white black woman

okay okay okay that was mean that was mean there's so much negativity here

tonight and y'all know that's not my thing i like to write songs that uplift

and inspire women so that they don't make bad decisions like fucking pete

davidson

I would fuck you.

There's more to that joke, and I'm just going to stop it right there.

Let's keep going.

In all seriousness.

Oh, this is live? Okay, cool.

But in all seriousness, Kevin, thank you.

It's an honor to share the stage with someone who's opened the door for so

many black men.

Thank you, Chelsea Handler.

Wakanda forever!

Chelsea, your set was incredible, and your tits are even better, babe.

Woo!

Kevin and I are both mocked for our size, and we share that pain, but I can

lose weight. You can't get taller, nigga.

Ain't no Ozipic for being short and greasy.

here tonight. And as a thank you, I have a new album coming out.

And I actually named it after you.

It's called Bitch.

You're not just a bitch, you're my bitch, Kevin. I love you so much.

Here we go for Lizzo.

I'd really love to make fun of her, but I met her earlier this week, and she's

actually pretty fucking cool.

Who would have thought that? But anyway, actually, I'd still like to do it. Go

back.

Lizzo looks like the final boss of a Red Lobster video game.

People keep saying Lizzo's washed up, but I believe the correct term is

beached.

Nice flute, you fat fucking bitch.

We're having fun.

I got it, Lizzo. I got him, Lizzo. No, come on. Why you gotta give me? I've

been getting a lot. What the fuck's your problem, Chelsea?

Goddamn.

Guys, next guy we're gonna talk about is Pete Davidson. Pete Davidson.

Pete Davidson is here to remind me that being on SNL does not make you a better

comedian.

Pete showed up at the Kids' Choice Awards high on ketamine.

I actually think that's pretty fucking awesome.

At least you didn't show up to that event on Viagra like a lot of the people

in this room did.

There's a lot of pedophiles here.

Pete, this is actually an intervention for you. Please start doing drugs so you

can be fun and interesting again.

He has a new podcast on Netflix and it fucking sucks.

Pete's the fucking man. I love him. Make some noise. Pete Davidson, everybody.

at this day.

Can't call me a star fucker anymore.

Great job hosting, Shane. You look like you got CTE playing fantasy football.

Shane, you got fired from SNL. Do you know how hard that is?

I tried for eight years and couldn't do it.

Tony Hinchcliffe is here.

looking like both a child molester and the doll they give the child to show

where he touched them.

Tony reminds me of Charlie Kirk in that he's definitely been on camera letting a

guy unload in his throat.

Oh, you don't know me?

You don't know me?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Kill Tony.

Please. Someone.

Fucking kill Tony.

Tony, nothing you say tonight will hurt my feelings. I was in a beef with Kanye,

so I've taken shots from better gay Nazis.

Thank you.

Yeah.

What's left of Lizzo is here.

Either that or Eddie Murphy just premiered the newest clump.

Lizzo mostly dates men, but identifies as LGBTQ.

Chelsea Handler is here. Thanks for saying nice things about me. That was

nice. Chelsea is so old that when she blew 50 Cent, he was just a nickel.

Regina Hall is here. Pass.

Naeem Lynn, also pass.

Hi, Jeff.

Jeff, you look like the inside of a clam.

Jeff looks like my dad if he somehow survived 9-11.

The Babadook, I mean Cheryl Underwood, is here.

Hello, ma'am.

Cheryl has a daytime Emmy because nobody can see her at night.

We play hide and seek later. You're on my team.

I'm sorry.

By the way, guys, Cheryl isn't smiling.

She's just unhinging her jaw so she can swallow Kevin whole.

Big J is here.

Big Jay Oakerson, good friend of mine. Love you.

Women say Jay is like a big teddy bear because eventually they find out he's

been recording them the whole time.

Draymond Green is here.

Yeah.

Why do you look blacker than usual? Is it because you got burnt by the suns?

Draymond's so dirty, even Magic Johnson refuses to play with him.

And of course, we have Kevin Hart.

Yep. I love you too, buddy. What can you say about Kevin that hasn't already been

yelled out by a guy with Tourette's at the BAFTAs?

Kevin looks like Draymond's Funko Pop.

You know, I get lumped in a lot with Kevin because we both performed at the

Riyadh Comedy Festival.

But the difference is, Kevin went to Saudi Arabia for a day's work. Well,

I've been owed that money since I was seven.

Yes, thank you.

Yeah, that's all I wanted to do.

First of all, I just want to say I love you very much. You've always been super

nice to me. We actually met at the Bieber roast, which is super cool that

now it's this.

You're a very hardworking person, and when it's all said and done, you know,

in the comedy world, what's most important is you'll be remembered.

And I think that's fucking something. Thanks for having me.

Yeah. Pete. Hell yeah. Give it up for Pete. He just killed.

Fuck yeah, Pete.

Now we're going to talk about Draymond Green. Draymond Green is here.

Yeah. Fuck him.

Draymond Green has four NBA championships the way Ringo Starr has 11

number one albums.

Draymond's always taking credit for the accomplishments of his more talented

friends. See, Jeff? It's not just you.

Draymond is the first player to make four All-Star teams for just setting

picks.

Thought that would get more. Fuck you guys. You don't know ball.

Go ahead. Make some noise. Draymond Green, everybody. Give it up for

Draymond.

I think this is the part where I'm supposed to say, fuck all of you for

booing me.

But I actually... But I actually need y'all to laugh at these jokes

they wrote for me, so y'all love apologies, I'm sorry.

I know I probably seem a little uncomfortable up here, but I'm in the

NBA.

I'm not used to working around this many white people.

I feel like Hoosiers in this bitch.

Kevin, you let all these white boys talk bad about us, our culture, our beautiful

black women. You fucking sellout.

Uncle Tom ain't got shit on you.

And I'm putting cases on all you white motherfuckers.

Shane Gillis, look at you.

Big pastry face.

That mustache.

You look like a 1930s baseball card.

If you look closely at Jeff Ross, you'll notice he has no eyebrows.

They were lost when he went through Kevin Hart's windshield.

Kevin Hart had a video game.

They call it Grand Theft... Uh-oh.

Tony Henscliffe. What's up, man?

Always flexing that he grew up in the hood.

Well, yeah.

That's what you were to a fucking cross burning.

Pete Davidson's here.

Pete Davidson's here.

Why?

You fucked the Kardashian.

You got those big ass lips and terrible fucking decision making skills.

You get an N-word pass.

It's only good for an hour.

And use it wisely.

I'll tell you who's having a terrible Mother's Day.

Chelsea Handler's kids.

Chelsea's had so many abortions, she's killed more innocent blacks than the

LAPD.

Listen, I did not write these jokes. Chelsea, you were really nice to me. I'm

sorry.

In her defense, several of them were armed.

I should stop here.

And no, no, go back.

We're not done.

Not fucking done here.

And no, I never have and never will smash Chelsea Haller.

I'm Draymond Green.

I don't hit threes.

You might have seen that three-point shootout I did with Kevin.

He was awful.

Kevin, you put up enough bricks to build your dad a new crack house.

Just so Kevin didn't look terrible, they deliberately had me miss shots.

I'm like, sure.

Anyone can blow a shot, right, Kev?

Like when you blew your shot at the Oscars.

Oh, you son of a bitch.

What the fuck is your issue, man?

Kevin and I are boys.

We play poker together.

When we first started playing, he didn't know anything.

I had to explain.

A straight flush.

is what you should have done with that get hard script.

You should have flushed that piece of shit.

Kevin is terrible at cards.

He's gotten better, but he's still fucking terrible.

He plays poker the way he makes all his movies.

Bet it all on the flop.

We always clean him out. Because if you pay attention, Kevin has a subtle tail.

Oh, shit! Pocket Kings!

I'm going to beat all you motherfuckers! Dumb bitches!

It's me, motherfuckers!

And you can always tell when Kevin's bluffing.

Like when he says how great the next special is going to be.

I've seen all of Kevin's movies.

It's the only time I can go to a theater and the people sitting behind me don't

mind me blocking their view.

During Borderlands, I heard someone yell, up in front.

They didn't write a joke for Naeem. The writers didn't know who the fuck you

were.

But I'm here for you, Kev, because we're family.

People don't know this, but my wife and your wife are cousins.

They say you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family.

If I could do that, I'd be at a fucking Dave Chappelle roast.

Thank y'all.

Great job, Draymond.

Way to go, Draymond.

Here we go now, Draymond.

That's pretty good. Fuck.

All right.

The next guy is Big Jay Oakerson. Now.

A lot of people, yeah, hell yeah.

A lot of people don't know this, but Big Jay actually got his start playing banjo

with the other animatronic bears on Splash Mountain.

Jay and Kevin were once best friends.

Jay, if it makes you feel any better, if Kevin didn't abandon you, you would have

just ended up like fucking Naeem Lynn.

Alright, thought that was pretty funny. Okay.

For real, I do love you and I hope this goes well for you. You're the fucking

man. Make some noise.

Oh,

thank you.

What's up? Thank you, Roots.

Kia Forum. What is this place? Falling the fuck asleep?

Let's fucking go. What a crowd. God damn.

T-Pain.

Fucking MGK.

John fucking Stamos.

Why is John Stamos at a Kevin Hart roast?

He is?

John Stamos is your friend. There was no black people on Full House.

Shane Gillis. How good is Shane Gillis doing tonight, everybody? Come on.

Isn't Shane what we all thought Schwarzenegger and the Maid's Kid was

going to look like?

A big lummoxed body with a Mexican lady mustache?

Jeff Ross, the Roastmaster General is here, everybody.

Jeff Ross, if you're not a pedophile, God sure thought you were going to be.

Because why would he make your face look like a thumbprint cookie? Jeff Ross

looks like he ferries people to Epstein Island in a hot air balloon.

And I wrote that without even knowing how he was going to dress tonight.

The queen of roasting is not here tonight, Nikki Glaser, of course,

because it's Chelsea Handler's week with the substance.

They each get one week. You can't cross over.

Handler, you old bag of Botox. I feel like you're a girl that I would call by

her last name if I knew you better.

Handler. You know, Handler here famously had sex with 50 Cent.

and Asian-American comedian Joe Coy.

Damn, Goldilocks, what is your problem with regular-sized dicks?

Do you have to try them all out first?

Chelsea Handler and 50 Cent Fix.

What do you guys think that smells like? I bet you got some ideas.

I wrote a few down.

Lilac and corn chips.

Witch hazel and purple vitamin water.

Logan Berry and fired gun.

Old hands and new sneakers.

You can play at home if you want.

Pumpkin spice and P. Diddy rumors.

Hashtag 50 cent handler smells.

Cheryl Underwood is here.

Cheryl Underwood, a comedy legend.

And a beautiful black woman with the word black in bold italics.

Cheryl Underwood is as black as the road is black.

She looks like somebody made a genie wish for a puddle of mud to come to

life.

If Cheryl Underwood is black, it's interstellar phenomenon.

If she stood against a brick wall, the roadrunner could run right through her.

Cheryl Underwood is so black, we had to bring on Draymond Green just to color

balance the fucking cameras.

He became friends earlier.

My good friend Tony Hinchcliffe is here.

Tony fucking Hinchcliffe is here. Make some noise, goddamn.

A lot of people might not remember, but Tony actually got canceled one time by

his very own Asian opener for calling Tony a racist. Yeah.

And then Tony hired a new Asian opener to prove that he wasn't a racist, which

I thought was the original Asian opener because I'm a racist.

How about Tony's mouth, by the way? All the mouths over here. Pete Davidson's

fucking mouth is crazy.

I've known Pete since he was 17 years old. I always dreamed that one day his

head and body would grow into his teeth and dick.

Between Tony, Pete, Cheryl, we don't need chairs up here. We need fucking

stables.

Thank God we kept them all over here before they buck Handler.

You know...

Lizzo. How about that? How crazy is that? Lizzo probably doesn't even know

this. She doesn't even know this, but we were in a movie together.

We were in the movie Hustlers, where I played a strip club DJ, and Lizzo very

bravely portrayed a stripper.

Very bravely.

In fact, it was so brave that every time she'd come on set in her stripper

outfit, I would get in trouble for starting slow claps.

And finally, the reason that we're all here, the one, the only, my boy Kevin

Hart, everyone.

I've known Kevin for 28 years now.

And it's a strange thing because I only actually knew him for the first five

years. So I know pre-famous Kevin.

I don't know famous Kevin at all. Famous Kevin is sitting on 67 unanswered texts

from me.

Up to and including, hey Kev, super psyched for the roast, thanks for

including me.

I don't know the guy farting out Fabletics ads or staring down the dick

hole of general insurance hype man Shaquille O'Neal or shoving your fucking

dumb tequila down our throats. I know the person, Kevin Hart. And I have a

story I wanted to close on about Kev that means... This is actually

emotional, this is good.

In 2012, Hurricane Sandy

devastated me. I lived in Long Island, New York. I lost.

The place I was living was all fucked up, and my car.

I had no money.

I was broke with my wife and my daughter. It was just a humiliating

time. As word started to spread that I got fucked up by this hurricane so bad,

I started getting phone calls after years from Kev.

And I kept seeing his number, and I wouldn't answer. I was too full of ego

and pride.

I was too embarrassed to take his calls. I knew he was going to try to come in

and save the day and give me money or something, and I didn't want to deal

with it.

And then I got a phone call from our mentor.

Me and Kev had the same mentor, who is an amazing guy, the guy who helped so

many comics come up, and probably the reason that me and you were even

standing here today, the guy who taught us everything, our mentor, the late,

great Keith Robinson.

He's still alive? He's still alive, Jay. Oh, he died to me after you got famous.

Hey,

Keith.

Well,

anyway, Keith called me.

And I answered the phone for Keith.

And Keith and his old 70s pimp voice said, he goes, hey, answer the phone for

Kev. He's trying to call you.

He wants to help you out. And I said, no,

I'm not answering the phone. I know he's trying to give me money. It's going to

make me feel uncomfortable.

I'm embarrassed.

I can't do it.

And then Keith told me, he goes, come on, man, stop.

He's trying to give you $10,000.

And that, like, at the time, that was a gazillion dollars to me. It was

everything. And I said, no, I can't take it. It's too much. I can't pay it back.

And he said, he's not trying to get you to pay it back. He wants to give it to

you. And I said, no, I can't do it.

It's insane. It's too much money.

And then Keith, in his wise words, said to me, it's insultingly low.

And in hindsight, he's right.

$10,000. He'd already done Ride Along. Five, six movies. Easy already.

But whether it was low or not, what it did was, Kev, it got me back on my feet

enough that I was able to get my wife and daughter back into our apartment.

And then I was able to take the rest of that money and in true Kevin Hart

fashion, immediately leave my first family.

So thank you, Kev, for sending me on my way, my man. I love you so much.

Thank you for having me.

Jay Oakerson, everybody. Keep it going for Jay.

We asked Tiana Taylor to be here at the roast tonight, but she sent a letter

explaining why she couldn't be here.

Now, to read that letter, please welcome Tiana Taylor, everybody.

Dear Kevin, first of all, what's up, bitch?

Two plus two not knowing what the fuck it is, bitch.

Built like you asked for one adult ticket with confidence, bitch.

How you doing?

Kevin, I'm writing you this letter from my kitchen because one of your movies is

playing in my living room right now and my five-year-old yelled out that you was

built like you came with triple-A batteries in a Barbie car.

My 10-year-old asked, Mommy, if Uncle Kev is 5'3 and I'm 4'10, how am I still

taller than him?

And honestly, Kev, I couldn't answer that.

Just couldn't answer that.

Anyways, I couldn't make it tonight because I didn't want to show off the,

you know, I didn't want to throw off the balance of the day by adding Oscar

nominee, Time Woman of the Year, Golden Globe winner, you know, to the lineup.

That just...

That just wouldn't be fair to anybody, especially you.

See, I feel like roasting you is kind of beneath me. You know, I know it's kind

of like a foreign thing, a foreign concept, because it's literally nothing

that is beneath you. But still, I would never say something so hateful like I

started one battle after another while Kevin's career has been one bomb after

another.

I mean, that would just be so cruel.

You know, I would never do that, Kev.

That's Rotten Tomatoes' job.

But unlike those very fair and balanced critics, I actually

respect you a little bit.

That's why I asked you to present me with my award at L Woman in Hollywood.

But you was fake busy, talking about something. I tried, I tried. You mind

you doing reshoots? Shut up!

The fuck?

So with that being said, why would I come to your shit?

Well, to be the bigger person, obviously.

Which, honestly, isn't really hard around you.

But, most importantly, Netflix paid me a lot of fucking money to write this

letter. Ain't this a bitch?

Be my fucking friend and be here.

I'm here.

I'm here. I'm here in this letter. I'm here. I'm here. I'm here. Because I damn

sure wasn't doing this shit for free. I ain't going to hold you, Kev. But for

the right price, here I am with this heartfelt letter.

Four-page letter. Signed it with a kiss. Filled it with a kiss. Baby shit.

You know what's so crazy? I remember when we first met about 15 years ago at

a Halloween party.

I was dressed as white boy Bob from marketing.

He was dressed as Eddie Murphy.

Here's a photo.

Yeah.

Good time.

We had a good time, too.

We had a good time this night, too.

I remember this night.

We had a good fucking time.

Tell the people that we had a good fucking time.

Tell them that we had a good fucking time, T. I got you. I got you.

Man, we had a great time.

You know, look at us.

Just young and, you know, like, it was really a time, especially at a time

where, like, everybody wanted to wear the sexy costumes.

Them bitches was kittens and shit. You know, I didn't hear our dumbasses just

looking like Thomas Jefferson and one of his unclaimed black kids.

Yeah. I ain't going front. We both got some audacity in that picture. But,

Kevin, you...

Dressed up as an iconic, funny comedian.

It's unbelievable and it's disrespectful and it's inappropriate.

Don't ever do that shit again.

But in all seriousness, bro. No, real shit. Bro, this is the serious part. I'm

so serious.

I really, truly love you. You are a fucking little icon.

And, like...

No, I really do. Like, you're a fucking legend, and I mean that from the bottom

of my heart, which thankfully for you is still above your head.

I'm sorry.

I just said you were done.

I said you were done. Be fucking sweet.

Come on.

Be nice to me. Get up. Okay. Come on. Fucking we're friends. We're real

friends. Be my fucking friend. My feelings is hurt.

My letter is over.

Okay.

Sincerely yours, T.

Y'all know, Tiana.

No, Tiana, don't storm off.

Tiana, don't storm off.

Fuck.

Make some people do some love. Hey, keep it going for Tiana, everybody.

Thank you, sir. Man.

Thank God she's good looking because, boy, is that bitch not funny at all.

Also, Pete.

Pete.

the only one that can do it. Do it, brother.

Holy shit.

Just don't let her read a letter again, ever.

Hopefully she gets mad at me and talks to me later.

Tony Hinchcliffe is here.

Yes.

Tony reminds me of a prince who studies gladiators.

Look at the physique.

Fuck yeah.

I'm so fucking entertained right now. Fuck yeah.

I thought it was funny, dude.

All right.

Get ready to hear some real racist jokes from a guy who truly believes them and

hopes J.D. Vance is watching.

Guys, Tony Hitchcliffe. Make some noise for Tony.

For Tiana Taylor, everybody. That was amazing.

This roast is so ghetto. I thought I heard a fire alarm chirp at one point

during her set.

Are you still watching? One more time for Shane Gillis.

He looks like the type of slave owner that you can trick into buying Kevin

Hart.

So he'll get bigger, right?

If Kevin was a slave, his song would be, let my people grow.

This is a big roast. Kevin Hart is trying to fill Tom Brady's shoes. A lot

of extra space.

That's like Pete Davidson's dick trying to fill Kim Kardashian's vagina.

Indeed, the closest Pete has come to greatness is when his dick rubbed up

against some of Kanye's old cum.

Nobody can name a joke or a sketch you've ever done, Pete. If your father

could see how you turned out, he'd be rolling in his rubble.

Regina Hall is here. She was in a hit movie, One Battle After Another, which

is how Lizzo describes stairs.

Yeah.

We knew Chelsea Handler would be available today because it's Mother's

Day.

Chelsea is a Jew. That's why she's here.

That's also the best thing about her.

She once dated 50 Cent, not the first time a Jew bent over for 50 Cent.

Chelsea, why so serious?

She looks like a fucking joker, people.

She's aging like a vegetable in Lizzo's fridge.

And she fucking sucks, and always has, by the way. Her whole act is just

talking about how it's stupid-ass kids.

We get it, your ovaries are busted.

That's like if Kevin's whole act was about how roller coasters aren't that

cool anyway.

But seriously, Chelsea actually had her eggs frozen, not on purpose. They're

just inside of a cold, frigid bitch.

Yeah. I call her Sterile Underwood.

Cheryl Underwood. More like Under a Rock. Who even is this bitch?

You look like a grape Laffy Taffy that went through the dryer.

How have you been sitting next to me and playing drums the whole night?

That hair.

The purple.

You look like your own pussy.

She was on a show called The Talk for 13 years. If you never saw it, here's what

you missed.

No, no, no.

Hold up. Let me. No, no.

No, no. Let me talk.

Her husband committed suicide three years into their marriage. I've been

sitting next to her for two hours and I have to ask. How did he last that long?

Draymond Green is a naughty guy. He has paid $4 million in fines.

Did you name your daughter Cash because you plan on losing her anyway?

Cash, amazing.

She won't even have to change her name when she gets hired at the strip club.

Jeff Ross is here looking like the ghost of strawberry cheesecake.

Jeff Ross beat cancer this year. My good friend beat cancer.

But you know cancer is out there.

Cancer's out there somewhere talking to its friends like, you gotta see the

other guy.

Jeff is so Jewish that when the hospital gave him his bill, he's like, uh, can

you put some of the cancer back in?

Kevin Hart, ladies and gentlemen. He was born nine months after his father spit a

watermelon seed into his mother's vagina.

I did that.

And then he was born. Nine pounds, seven ounces, and he remains the same today.

Kevin is so small, people call him the lowercase n-word.

He was raised by a single mother and a stepladder.

Because of Kevin's awful childhood and feelings of inadequacy, he became a

workaholic to distract himself from the grief of who he is on the inside. And to

make matters worse, his inner child, is taller than him.

But look at him now.

Oh, you're not wearing a chain. I was going to say nice chain, Kevin. It would

make a great bracelet for a normal-sized black man.

But you didn't wear the normal chain that you wear to overcompensate for how

small you are.

Kevin has so few black friends that he started a vegan fast food chain and

nobody stopped him.

His vegan restaurant is like his movies because you don't have to go to know it

fucking sucks.

Kevin, in a town full of successful pedophiles, it's great to know that you

are not one. But in fairness, if you ever tried, any fuckable 10-year-old

would beat the living shit out of you.

His audience is so ghetto that his merch table has more gunfire than Charlie

Kirk's. Kevin, if you're here, who's holding P. Diddy's pocket in jail?

Kevin has been so far up the rock's ass that he can actually smell what he's

been cooking.

Kevin.

The Rock played Black Adam. Kevin is the size of a black atom.

He's won two Grammys. At least that's what the scale says when he stands on

it.

Two Grammys. Lizzo has ate everything that's ever been put in front of her.

But Lizzo, you look great. You really do. People describing you no longer have

to say the word really before saying the word fat.

She loves gluten as much as she loves gluten.

You know, Kevin, they told me not to mention your kids on this roast, but I

must say, you did good.

They've gotten so big, they now buckle Kevin up in the car seat.

It's true, he lost his gig hosting the Academy Awards because of some

homophobic tweets, but you'd be homophobic too if you were eye-level

with everyone's cock.

He got into a fist fight on a private plane, proof that no matter how much

money black people have, they're still just going to act like ninjas.

is fighting.

Like Bill Cosby, Hart is a black comedian from Philadelphia, and like

Bill Cosby, women don't know when Kevin is inside of them.

You've done good, though, Kevin. The black community is so proud of you right

now. George Floyd is looking up at us all, laughing so hard that he can't

breathe.

God bless you, Kevin.

God bless this room, and God bless the United States of America. Thank you so

much.

Tony Hinchcliffe, everybody.

Hey.

A lot of people wanted him to fail, and he just fucking killed. Tony

Hinchcliffe, everybody.

Cheryl Underwood is here.

Yeah, Cheryl.

Cheryl got a standing ovation once on Def Jam. Now she's deaf, eats jam, and

has trouble standing.

Cheryl was in the Air Force, but she couldn't fly.

And neither could her husband, who jumped off a

building and he died from that.

I swear to God I called her before this to ask if that was okay. I would have

never done that.

But now she's a Christian comic, so this should fucking suck.

No, she's the best. Make some noise. Cheryl Underwood, everybody.

First of all, Tony, you think you hurt my feelings by talking about my dead

husband? My husband only died once.

You die every night with them whack-ass jokes you be telling.

I love the fact that you white boy comics want to say all the words that

black comics get canceled for saying.

And I'm glad that y'all brought back words like midget and retard.

No, Kevin, I'm not talking about you when I say midget.

But yes, Shane, I'm talking about you when I say retard.

Now, I know it's some shit in that motherfucking teleprompter, but I'm glad

that Shane, your motherfucking ass, stopped that wigger.

Because had you said anything that sounded bigger, trigger,

nigga, you wouldn't have made it out of motherfucking Englewood alive.

each other.

And hold on, hold on. I got to say this.

My ex-foo, John Stamos, is in the house.

And yeah, y'all brought up when I was on the talk.

And when I was on the talk, I got to tongue kiss John Stamos.

I can't say what he said after that.

All I can say, he married a young bitch and took her to Disneyland.

Shane, you may talk some shit about me, but I know your kind.

You want to hit this black pussy harder than you hit the windows of the Capitol

on January 6th.

You know who the fuck you talking to?

I know you want to fuck me.

Because you're tired of fucking your sister.

So you want to fuck a real sister.

All this black pussy in here saying they're getting harder and harder.

I bet you fight me to fuck Lizzo.

And lose.

But none of us are going to fuck your pasty white boy ass.

Well, maybe, maybe I will.

I'm on a tour called I Need a Job Tour, so come on, motherfucker, let's go.

Big J.

Now, you cute. Big J, listen to me. You sexy. You get that pussy.

Over there looking like Godfiery.

You know we like diners, drive-ins, and dicks, so let's go, motherfucker.

You're not just a snack, you're a whole Thanksgiving dinner.

Got that big football player body.

And I know football players.

I fucked all the Philadelphia Eagles.

The offensive line, the defensive line, the offensive coordinator, defensive

coordinator, coaching staff, team doctor, the dude selling the hot dogs,

the motherfucker. that wrote fly eagle fly.

I fucked him too.

That was one hell of a party.

So Draymond, I heard you's a bully.

Well, come on over here and beat this pussy up then. Come on, let's go.

Keep rolling your teleprompter.

I would fuck you, Draymond, but I'm afraid of heights.

I'm only 5'2". But I'm still 2 inches taller than Kevin Hart.

You mighty mouse motherfucker. They wrote that. They wrote that. The white

people wrote it. The white people. The white people. I didn't... I'm just

saying it to get this check, motherfucker. Goddamn.

P. Davison.

I just want to know, what is in your dick that's driving these bitches crazy?

And whatever it is, can you put it in Chelsea Handler so she can stop fucking

black men?

I'm sorry, Chelsea. I had to say that one. They paid me. They paid me.

Question for the day is, who has had more black dick in this town?

Me or Chelsea Handler?

The answer is Tony Hitchcliff.

it for the chat Ted told me Ted at the luncheon said bitch say this shit or

you're not getting paid I gotta do what Ted said I gotta do what I gotta say

okay I wasn't gonna say this shit but Kevin and I hooked up once before he got

married before he got married he got stuck in my pussy I tied a rope around

his neck and pulled him out like a tampon hold on that's not in the

prompter I'm sorry

It's packing.

Kevin Hart is packing.

He's packing 10 inches in his pants.

There is legs, but it's still 10 inches.

Fucking Kevin was a lot like watching his movies.

The first five minutes are okay.

Then you're just waiting for it to be over.

I don't know. He broke.

right here you gotta say it you think he's loud in his movies when we were

fucking he was hollering and screaming shaking i said will

you shut the fuck up before somebody think i'm watching one of your movies

So I want to say this with all the love.

You have done what we asked you to do in the culture.

You've represented us well.

You've been a great businessman and a great performer.

Today we are proud to stand here to roast because we only roast who we love.

And we truly love you. Good night.

Can I still get that pussy though?

Keep it going for Bernice Mack.

Saw that one. Let's go.

But yeah, that was honestly, that was incredible.

Now, yeah, feels good now. Now, earlier I was like, this is not as good as the

Tom Brady roast. Now it feels pretty good.

Regina Hall is here, everybody. Make some noise.

They added her last minute, so I don't really have anything for her, but here's

a joke we couldn't do for Cheryl.

It's something about Aunt Jemima.

I don't know. It got cut.

It was clever. You would have loved it.

Give it up for Regina Hall, everybody. Make some noise.

Wow. Thank

you,

Kevin.

It's very nice to be here.

been tough, you know, I mean, having to sit here and watch you and you haven't

been able to talk back.

Anyone who knows me knows I've known Kevin for 20 years. I've been to all of

his shows.

I've seen, well, not all of them. I've seen his movies.

And despite that, I am still here tonight.

No, seriously, Kevin, I've been listening to all of these people and I

don't think you deserved any of those insults.

I'm here actually as a true friend.

So I thought I would share something, this is honest, sacred, that only you

and I know, Kevin.

Now, Kevin and I go, we go back, as I said, and there's one special thing that

only Kevin and I know about.

Kevin's mom, Miss Nancy, God rest her soul, she communicates with me

sometimes.

No, this is actually the truth.

Many, many, many, many years ago, do you remember when I

called and I told you that she said, don't go to Vegas?

She said, Kevin, don't go in there and accidentally fuck that girl. She said,

She said, no, she said, Kevin, go to 1515, but I wrote it down wrong.

Do you remember? Because I had been drinking that night.

She knew there was a camera in that room, Kevin, and she tried.

So I want to say I'm sorry, Kevin, because that was on me.

That was my bad. But tonight, Kevin, I got it. I'm not going to mess up.

I'm sober.

Okay, so I wrote down some other things that your mother, that she's expressed,

and I'd like to read them tonight.

These I got right.

Kevin, I love you, and I'm so proud of you.

You won best picture of the year. Oh, wait, no, no, that's for me. Because

you didn't win,

Kevin, but thank you, Miss Nancy.

Now, here we go. Here we go for real.

Kevin. All right. She misses your movies.

She says they don't go up there in heaven because it's heaven.

Oh, oh, but she said your dad is enjoying them all down where he is.

That was very sweet.

She says she regrets not being there for you when your father passed.

Oh, so she could watch that motherfucker die.

Okay.

Tell Kevin that's a quote.

Okay.

She says that she's sorry that she always treated your brother better.

But that's only because she loved him more.

That's enough, Regina. Oh, wait, wait.

And now she's saying I told you not to do that.

Oh, no, that's about your failed vegan fast food chain. Okay.

No. She just said, uh, nigga, you grew up on Philly cheesesteaks. Why you ain't

start a chain of that shit? I'm sorry, Kevin.

No, no, wait. Hold on, hold on. More stuff is coming through. It's like I'm

Otome Brown out here. Hold on.

Pete!

No, this is Pete. I'm only here with love tonight. No one has to worry.

She says that your dad...

He misses you, and he sees your success.

He wants to know what it was like to fuck Kate Beckinsale, Emily Ratatouille,

Ariana Grande. I can't name them all. Ariana Grande.

We'll get to it later, Pete.

He also says you inherited your dick size from him, and you're welcome.

She says, tell Big Jay I'll see him in about three weeks.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Regina, that's enough. Sorry.

She says, oh, Chelsea, your kids are all up there and they want to say thank

you.

You made the right decision.

She also said, I told you Tiana might bomb.

I'm sorry.

I'm just downloading, guys.

Last thing, finally, Miss Nancy says, thank you all for being here to

celebrate my son.

I love you, Kevin Hart.

big night.

And now, oh, I have to get back to Michael Clark Duncan, who's been a

deep green mile in this pussy for the past three months.

Regina!

Regina!

What the fuck is that?

It's Mother's Day.

Sorry.

She said they run trains in heaven.

What the fuck?

Regina,

look at me. I'm sorry. I didn't say it.

There's hope for us in the afterlife, ladies. They're fucking up there.

All right.

In closing, I just want to share a heartfelt memory that I have.

And Kevin, I want you to hear this.

I was doing a movie and I walked on set, everyone, not knowing what I was in for.

The director told me that.

I needed to do an improv scene with the funniest motherfucker that he had ever

worked with. He called action and it was magic.

I was in awe watching this man work.

So quick, so funny.

His large stature was beyond his physical height.

I will never forget how it felt performing with him. He was so great.

And he still is.

I'm the last person they want in this motherfucker.

Yes. Yes, Kevin.

My special gift to you.

It's the other capital motherfucking K.

Everyone. Cash Williams.

Thank you so much. I appreciate you.

Hello, Kevin.

Hello, Kat.

I'm surprised they invited me.

That's how little star power you have. They had to start inviting your enemies.

I said, I hate him. They said, come anyway.

Very humble of me to be at your goat roast tonight, Kevin.

I've won an Emmy Award, but this is going to be my best acting tonight as I

pretend like you are a goat.

For the people at home, you're wondering, why is the cat man doing

this?

For the money, bitch.

This is my Riyadh Comedy Festival.

Only one with a soul.

Kevin, you're going to hear some things tonight that you're not familiar with.

Those things are called punchlines.

Is this dance the best that the industry could put together for dear old kids?

I'm not sure if the Illuminati is real or if this is a junior varsity version,

but... For those

of you just joining us, Kevin and I had beef.

And I'll tell you why.

Because privately, this motherfucker stole everything from me.

Before he saw my act, he was a 6'3 white man.

I tried to tell y'all that Kevin Hart was a plant.

Because I keep burying him, he keeps springing back the fuck up.

Just like a plant.

Yes, I said some things I'd like to take back.

Some things I said were misunderstood. I did say that Kevin was a Hollywood

puppet.

And I want to explain that.

Because it might not be what you think. I meant that the head of Netflix

literally has his whole hand up Kevin's ass and can make him do anything.

Kevin only has one rule in his movies.

No N-word.

And that N-word is no.

Never fucking said it. Never, ever.

Scary movie three right along.

Night school.

Get hard.

I turned down all of them.

Because I was not comfortable being a coon.

Went right behind me for the same price.

If you're going to see a Kevin Hart movie, do yourself a favor, see it in a

black theater so you can hear words like, I want my motherfucking money

back.

And I want my money back too.

Or this is some bullshit, I want my money back.

Even The Rock can't save your ass.

Kevin and The Rock have what you call a bromance.

That's when two actors secretly fuck the shit out of each other.

But seriously, how can you not love Kevin?

Only two people have done that.

Me and his father.

Kevin once said if his son was gay, he would take a dollhouse and...

hit him over the head with it, which is arguably the gayest way to abuse a

child.

But you cannot cancel Kevin Hart.

You just can't do it.

He's made a tough line.

They tried to cancel him for being homophobic, and I don't get it.

I'm saying the guy who's obsessed with shopping sprees and fitness, always

surrounded by 10 dudes and Chelsea Handler and oiled up half Samoan

bodybuilders and a vegan restaurant and bought yoga pants.

You think that guy is homophobic? That guy is a fairy, bitch. He is not.

That's the gayest man I ever met. You play, queen.

You do that.

They tried to cancel Kevin for the ditty party.

They hurled allegations at him.

But thanks to all the baby oil, the charges didn't stick.

Kevin famously was at a brunch of... a brunch.

Kevin was at a bunch of ditty parties.

But in his defense, it was only because Diddy thought he was 10.

Kevin even hosted a record release party for P. Diddy. There was a record number

of releases.

On the bed, in the pool, on the floor, everywhere but the hoes.

But I want to be clear.

Just because Kevin went to Diddy parties does not mean He did something wrong.

The fact that he gets all quiet when you bring it up.

That means he did something wrong.

Yet people give him awards.

Kevin, I have an idea for a movie where you travel back in time.

And Mark Twain takes his motherfucking award back and calls you the N-word.

Now that's a good movie.

So I know you'll pass on it.

All right, listen.

I could go on all night hating on Kevin Hart. I have perfected it.

But at some point, you've got to look yourself in the mirror and say,

Do I really want to have beef with the rabbit snowball from the Secret Life of

Pets 2?

Yes, I do, Kevin.

Yes, I do.

Motherfucker wouldn't even play a black rabbit. Can you imagine the culinary?

I'm out. Good night, Inglewood. Thank y'all so much.

Just give me one fucking minute.

Me and this man have been at odds for years on years. You coming out here,

quite the fucking surprise. But, Kat, I can sit and I can watch you. I can laugh

because I'm a fucking fan first.

Okay? I'm a fan first.

Kat, we have an opportunity in real time. This is live television to put our

fucking beef behind us. I am offering you.

An olive branch of peace.

I want to be a brother. I want to be a friend.

Cat, I want to move on. Can we move on, man?

Can we move on?

Cat Williams one time, man. I'm a cat fucking Williams.

All right. How about that?

Those little tiny guys being friends.

So funny, like they're going to do something. What are you going to do?

Shut up.

Fucking 220 pound man being like, you want to squash some beef or what?

Shut up.

So little. Who cares?

And now to present Kevin with a very special gift from Compton, California,

American icons Venus and Serena Williams.

and owns eight Olympic gold medals.

We have been called the GOATs in our own right. We have also been called to do

this tonight, and we did say no three times.

But Kevin is a friend, so we're here.

But our question remains, what are you the GOAT of?

So what awards does Kevin have? Isn't it Oscar?

No, no, no. Okay, Emmy, right?

No. Grammy.

No, actually, that's our girl Lizzo.

Lizzo!

I thought he said he had the E-God.

He did, but as in, he ain't got no awards.

Okay, okay.

But you don't need to have an award to be a GOAT. You can be a GOAT of so many

things. Well, maybe he's the GOAT of freestyle rapping.

No, I think that's Black Thought.

Okay, so maybe he's the GOAT of football?

No, it's Tom Brady. I heard he already left.

Honestly, I don't blame him.

I guess a G does have to stand for great, or it doesn't have to stand for

great. Oh, maybe it stands for grating?

Yeah, maybe it stands for grating.

You know, you don't have to be great.

You don't have to be great.

Maybe he's good. Maybe he's the goodest of all time.

He's a good time.

He's definitely a good time.

Maybe a little.

But seriously,

seriously, Kevin.

We got nothing but love. We love you. We love you so much. And as you know, in

tennis, love means nothing.

But since we didn't want to leave you with nothing again, we brought you the

most coveted goat ring, which we give to the most honorable guest. Here you go.

It's a ring for you. Come on up. Come up here.

Oh, my God.

And if you don't want it, you can.

pawn it two blocks from here, you know.

No, I want it. Oh, and one more thing. Can you sit down? Yes. This is our

moment.

Kevin Hart production wouldn't be complete without this one man.

We're gonna put some kerosene on this bit we're gonna burn this motherfucker

down

This is what you're doing in retirement that's fucked up. You owe me a workout.

I know what J-Lo is thinking.

Thank fuck the Rock has arrived.

Yes, I'm here.

Finally, I've been waiting my entire life for this, where I can come to a

Kevin Hart roast, I can have fun, woo, thank you, and I can just talk

shit.

The franchise Viagra is in the house.

Now this roast can go hard all night long.

Buckle up, Netflix.

To doom, motherfuckers.

Now, I know what you're all assuming is that I'm here to carry another shitty

heart, shitty Kevin Hart vehicle.

But for once, that's not the case.

I'm actually here tonight because someone needs to chew up Kevin's food

and spit it in his mouth.

Isn't that right, my little chocolate baby bird?

You laugh because it's true.

Hello, Kevin.

Shut up.

Hello, anonymous non-movie stars.

None of you dudes, you sons of bitches, none of you have the right to talk shit

about Kevin and put him down.

None of you have the right to talk shit about my little burnt Oompa Loompa.

Only me.

I know every single guy on this dais would piss themselves if I took a punch.

I know one guy who would cum if I choked him out.

Stop smiling, Jeff.

Jeff Ross, my friend. Good to see you.

Good to see you. I love you too.

You know where I come from? We have a word for guys like you.

Fat.

How fucking gross is Jeff Ross right now?

In this fucking red outfit.

Jeff is so gross. He's a 60-year-old bachelor who's never been married.

and no one has ever even suggested that he might be gay.

You would fuck me?

God, well, I wouldn't fuck you, so sit down and shut up.

And what the fuck are you laughing at, Shane?

I'm gonna get him.

Why?

Because I'm drunk and you're going to get it. That's it.

Shane, if you're here tonight, then who's out in the woods ass-raping

canoers until they squeal like a pig?

Oh, shut up, The Roots.

You're going to play the fucking song, Play It Right, from Deliverance.

I don't know what the fuck you just played.

He's like, no money. All right, well, fuck. That ain't my problem.

You know, Shane Gillis and I actually worked out together once.

True story.

You're smiling because it's true.

It happened.

And he was throwing some weights around, and I was impressed.

You know, he was a fit guy.

But not as fit, not as nearly fit as his mom.

No, true story.

that had a six-pack every night she was pregnant with shane

you drink

because it's true and one of my favorites hello chelsea

you look beautiful

everybody yes yeah chelsea by the way

Don't fuck with Chelsea.

Everyone's been here. They come up talking shit about you. That ain't easy

to do. You hold your own. You're just a boss lady up here.

I want to come out here and I want to give Chelsea her flowers.

I just want to take a minute. Yes, I want to take a minute to congratulate

Chelsea because BET just gave her poontang a lifetime achievement award.

It's true, right, Kevin?

Yes. Yes, my favorite award.

Chelsea recently said marriage is outdated.

But remember, Chelsea, also outdated is dying alone.

Chelsea also said she can't be racist because she fucks a lot of black guys.

Which is like Tony saying he can't be homophobic because he fucks a lot of

black guys.

Tony, look at you, you little sassy bigot.

You look like I'm going to cook. You look like a plantation owner who makes

his slaves perform musicals.

And Draymond is in the house, my guy.

Oh.

Wait a second. Hey, Draymond, that's your name, right? That's my boy? I was

thinking about this, you know.

Of all the cool-ass black names you could have, that is the laziest fucking

black name I've ever heard.

Because all you did was put a D in front of Raymond.

Yeah.

This fucking's retarded.

And on top of all that, your retarded name, your team got bounced from the

playoffs.

So, so, I'm just saying, because you're my boy and I love you, maybe it's time

to retire.

I'm sorry, to retire.

And Pete Davidson, my boy, you freaky little motherfucker.

We go way back, Pete.

Yes, we do.

You look like a white guy doing blackface doing whiteface. What the

fuck?

Hell the fuck, I love you too.

And somehow you're still the best looking guy in this dais until I showed

up. It's just me and you.

Shut up, Kevin.

And I want to just take a moment just to give a shout out, give flowers to all

the ladies up here on this dais.

You all look beautiful, magnificent, sexy.

You know who else looks sexy?

Kevin's wife, Anika.

What do you mean, what the fuck? Just sit down. I'm just giving her

compliments.

Okay, now, listen.

No, no, fucking listen. What the fuck are you doing?

fucking wife. I know. I'm just giving her compliments. She looks beautiful and

sexy. That's not how you said it. You didn't say it like that. How did I say

it? What do you mean? You said it different the first time. I said she's

sexy. Don't fucking say it like that.

Don't do that.

Don't fucking do that. Hold on. Chelsea.

What?

Don't you think it's time for Nico to be with somebody that is bigger than her?

Yes.

Yes. I think my wife is real happy.

Let's ask her. Let's ask her. See if she's happy. She doesn't look happy. I

know my wife is fucking happy. I don't know if she's happy. I don't know if

she's happy.

Kevin's a little humper. That's a genre. Honey, honey, are you happy with me?

Do you know what she just said? Would you be happier with The Rock?

Or any rock?

Did you hear what she just said?

She just said, fuck him. That's what she just said. She didn't say that. She

said, fuck him. Okay, well, listen. I'm going to tell you what.

Of all the awards tonight, Chelsea's getting an award for her poontang,

Lifetime Achievement Award. Your wife, her poontang and awards. She deserves an

award, an Academy Award, for pretending she likes to fuck you. That's the thing.

Who the fuck was that? Yes.

You son of a bitch. And the award goes to... Oh.

Oh, you fuckstick.

You fuckstick. Okay.

Listen. All right. I'm not going to do that. I won't do that.

Hey, Nico.

I'm just going to say, how about later on tonight, you and I, together, we'll

open up a bottle of tequila and, you know, we... Stop squirming, Kevin. Don't

look at me like that. A bottle of Grand Cormino tequila. Grand Cormino.

You and The Rock. You'll throw up with that, as you usually do. Listen.

You want Terra Mana. You want the good shit. You want The Rock, the good shit.

Listen. They know.

As you know, we'll let you watch like we always do. Okay?

Hey, it's just jokes from the corner of the room, strapped tight in your cock

-high chair.

Listen.

I'm not a sick fuck.

All right. Well, you guys can Google what that means later. Listen.

Here's the thing. I actually get why women love Kevin Hart. I totally get it.

I know. I'll tell you why.

He's the same size and color as the favorite dildo.

And the little motherfucker is twice as loud.

You know, ladies and gentlemen, you laugh because it's true.

But you know, ladies and gentlemen, you know, Kevin and I actually have, we have

many things in common. It's why the guy's my best friend and something else

we have in common is, yeah, we do.

And I love the guy. And we also have this in common is recently both of our

dads died.

It's true.

And I thought, well, maybe I shouldn't bring this up because, you know, it's

heavy. But I thought it is something that bonds us.

And I said, yeah, let me talk about it. As many of you may know.

My old man, he came here to the forum back in the 70s. My dad, he was the soul

man, Rocky Johnson. He was that dude again.

Yeah. And he was, I miss my dad. He was tall and strong and big. And where's he

at? No, that's not him.

Where's he at?

Somewhere.

He's somewhere. He looked like a superhero.

There is my dad.

They put him out there. Oh, he's out there. Okay, good.

Can you guys see my old man?

Okay, oh, cool. There he is. Yeah.

He was a fucking tank, you know.

Now, where is Kevin's dad?

Oh, you son of a bitch.

You son of a bitch.

What the fuck was that, man?

You piece of, I mean, come on, man.

There's a better picture of my dad. Okay, okay. No,

I just wanted to show like, you know, both our dads showing their chest and

what their bodies look like. Okay, look, you are right.

Come on, guys.

There's a better picture of Kevin's dad.

That's right.

Whoever released these pictures are fired. You're fucking fired.

Son of a bitch.

There he is. That is a legit mugshot of Kevin's dad. And as we all know,

I met Kevin's dad.

And as we all know, you know, Kevin's dad, Kevin's dad, he was a crackhead.

And he loved the crack.

And that was before he even met Kevin.

You know, Kevin realized that the only way to win his dad's love was if he,

too, fit inside a tiny plastic bag.

And Kevin, just like your dad, it's wild how much you need the rock.

Oh, Kevin.

little crack baby Kevin.

My little crack baby Kevin. You know, your dad, true story, his dad even named

Kevin after crack.

Yes. Because he legitimately thought it was spelled with a K.

True story.

And what's the medical term for that?

Oh, fucking idiot.

Yes.

Now, I know.

You're sweating and crying. I know. I know you well.

I know our dads right now are looking down on us from the clouds and I hope

they're proud.

I think they are.

You know, I know your dad has to look a little harder because you're a fucking

dwarf. But, but, I love you, brother.

I know you love me too. I love you. Yes, I do.

I really do.

And just to prove it, just last week I got a Kevin Hart tattoo.

Yeah, woo, on my cock.

Yeah, life-size too.

Kevin, I want to show you really quickly.

Get the fuck out of here. Okay, okay, okay. Stop it, man.

Okay, no problem, no.

And Nico, I'll show you later. Hey, what the fuck? I'm sorry.

What the fuck are you doing, man? I'm sorry, listen.

What the fuck is that? Okay, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

It's my fucking wife, man. I'm kidding, she's already seen it. Listen. Oh, what

the fuck is happening?

I'm joking. What the fuck are you doing, man?

It's my fucking wife, man.

He's the best. I'm kidding. Okay.

But in all seriousness, I would like to make a toast to you.

Can I make a toast to Kevin? Yes. My brother? Yes.

All right. Yes.

Let's do it. Let's do it. Here. I'll pour myself one. You pour yourself one.

Yeah. You pour the Grand Cormino. Yeah, I have the Grand Cormino.

Okay. I'll pour the Jeremiah.

Why would you say that about my fucking wife?

I'm going to talk to you later.

I'll talk to you fucking later. Oh, but you're the one who said, hey, listen,

fucking say anything you want. Have a good time. What the fuck was that? Okay,

okay, okay.

Come on, let's take a toast.

Okay, let's take a toast. You know what? Let me sit down. Go, you sit down. Let

me sit down. No, you sit down.

Come on. All right.

Um, hey listen, before the toast comes, it's only right. Yeah.

Come sit on my knee.

Yes. No, what do you mean don't? What the fuck are you talking about? No, what

do you mean don't? Shut up, Shane. I'm not sitting on your fucking knee. Sit on

my knee. I'm not sitting on your fucking knee. We're going to show brotherly

love. No, no, no. I'm live on Netflix.

Do it, do it.

Everyone wants you to sit on my knee. Chelsea. You know you're going to

fucking do it. Chelsea, shut the fuck up. Yes, yes.

No. No.

Shane. Cat Williams would be right.

Cat Williams would be right. Shane, no.

Do you want to see Kevin Hart sit on my knee?

There you go.

Okay. Sit on my knee. I got a better question.

Do you guys want to go fuck yourselves because I'm not fucking doing it?

No, man.

Now, fuck you, man.

I really mean this. No, I mean this, man. Fuck you. Okay, we'll get close.

All right, I'll sit right here. All right, come on.

Okay. Come on.

All right.

To brotherhood, to friendship.

Absolutely. And I am always in your corner.

Fucking love you. And I love you, man. I love you more, man. I love you, too.

Love you, man.

My brother, man.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

That's not for you.

That's good shit. Let me try this.

That's good shit, too.

This is for daddy.

This is for you.

The fuck are you talking about?

Get a good latch.

What? My titties ain't sucking themselves. Now you get down here and

you suck on this tit.

Come on. Get up.

Get down.

Get the fuck off me. What is your fucking issue? Do you want to see Kevin

latch onto this nipple? Okay. All right. All right.

That's it. They do.

Sit down. That's it. Get the fuck out of here. What do you mean get the fuck out

of here? They ain't sucking themselves. Fuck you, man. Get down. Fuck you. No,

I'm not doing shit. Oh, now you don't want to do it because it's a live crowd?

I don't want to do it. Oh, now you don't want to do it.

never sucked your fucking titties. You have. What do you mean?

Fuck you, DJ. Oh, now you've never cradled my balls either. You know what?

Okay. All right. That's it. All right. That's it. That's it. You're done.

You're fucking done.

Wrap it up. Sit down. Wrap it up. Sit the fuck down. Well, fuck you. Wrap it

up. Now you don't want to suck it. Okay, fine.

Fucking ball. That's all right. Fucking piece of shit. Wrap it up. That's all

right. That's all right. Jesus Christ.

And Nico, you know what's coming tonight. Okay. Okay. All right.

Just a little this, this, this, this, this, this all night.

Listen, all right.

Jesus.

You know, this is why my jaws always hurt from hanging out with you. What the

fuck does that mean?

What the fuck are you saying, man?

You know what I meant. I meant because I laughed so fucking hard with this guy.

That's what I meant.

Okay, well say that first.

Jesus.

All right.

The time has finally arrived.

Just one more thing for him to suck at.

Clearly won't be my areola tonight, but ladies and gentlemen, it is my honor

to introduce

My friend, my brother, the one we are all here to celebrate here tonight and

everywhere around the world watching live on Netflix.

I love you. I'm fucking proud of you. And I will always have your back. Ladies

and gentlemen, the GOAT, Kevin Hart.

You know, the rebuttal I have in store, I don't think, is podium friendly. So

y'all can get the podium the fuck out the way. Let's lower the fucking podium.

We heard a lot of shit tonight.

We heard a lot of shit tonight. And like I told everybody on this day, I said, I

want you to go as hard as you want.

because i get the mic last and unlike other roasts what they've never had is a

polished fucking comedian as such go last so what i want to do i want to i

want to make you guys understand like you basically have told me you want a

real nigga tonight you want a real nigga here so you're going to get a real nigga

a real nigga is what you want then a real nigga is what you will get okay

You want a real nigga response?

Then I'm going to give you a real nigga response. At this point, I want to take

the moment just to talk to my sponsors, my business partners, my brand

partnerships. And I'll tell you, for the next 15 minutes, put a pause on our

relationships. Because what I'm about to do is not business friendly.

I'm going to be raw. And when I say raw, I really mean raw. I'm talking raw like

the inside of Lizzo's thighs.

There's no skin there. There's no skin at all.

Raw, like the dick that Chelsea Handler takes. We're going to go raw tonight.

Raw like Tony Hinchcliffe's asshole when Joe Rogan finishes. We're going to go

raw.

In order to be raw, I need my bitch. Give me my bitch, please.

Yeah.

Do me a favor, cock it again. Let me make sure it's loaded.

One more time.

Yeah, because I'm about to take shots, okay?

Boy, oh boy.

We're going to start with Dwayne.

My friend The Rock. Fuck, man.

He shocked me.

He fucking shocked me. I didn't know he was going to be here and he came.

And it's crazy because that's my friend. Like, we're really close. And you know,

a lot of people have said bad things about Dwayne and I've taken up for them.

A lot of people have said that Dwayne is on Ozempic. They thought he was on

fucking Ozempic.

I'm the one that said he's not on Ozempic. That's not Ozempic.

I'm here to tell you guys tonight that what you're looking at...

It's full-blown AIDS, okay?

That's AIDS. Hit him in the head one time.

Yeah, we gonna shoot these bitches tonight.

I'm not talking about the good stuff, not the Magic Johnson AIDS. What you're

looking at is Tom Hanks in the movie Philadelphia AIDS.

Yeah, the AIDS.

The AIDS that takes your body weight like that, that gives you a drastic

change over fucking night.

Fuck him. Do me a favor. Hit him in the head one more time.

Yeah.

I'm going to fucking shoot the fuck out of you all night, DJ.

No, it's not enough.

No, it's not because you're starting to look weird.

You're starting to look bad. You look like a ninja turtle with no shell.

You look like a fucking... Yeah.

Shoot him again.

Yeah.

Fuck him.

You know, I've been talking to Sony.

I told Sony that we better shoot Jumanji 4 now because I don't know if we have

much time left with DJ.

He could die soon.

I'm not going to lie, I miss the old rock.

Close friends we are, man. We used to teach each other a lot of things.

Like, honestly, DJ told me how to do movie stunts. I know how to do movie

stunts because of him.

Right? I told him things in return.

I told him how to sound out words.

Sound it out.

Sound it out.

I taught him how to point at images of fruit so we could know what he wanted to

eat on set.

Papaya. Got it.

Papaya. Yes.

That's a caveman joke.

Shane, I bet you thought it was a monkey joke. You racist fuck. I know you did.

You know, listen to this, man. You know, most people don't know the things that I

know about DJ, man. The Rock is half black. I know it was mentioned tonight.

He is.

He's half black. And a lot of people don't really know that.

Nobody else knows that.

You know who else doesn't know that?

Him. He doesn't fucking know it.

He's half black and half Samoan.

You know what I wish?

I wish he would do some more black shit. That's what I do.

I'm sick of all this Hawaiian shit.

All this barefoot hula hoop shit.

All this hookah-lay, hookah-lay, hookah-lay, hookah-lay shit.

Don't nobody want to see your big ass with no fucking, fucking grass dressed

on hookah-laying all fucking day.

Put on some Air Force Ones, nigga. I'm sick of seeing it.

I'm going to take you down one by one.

Shane Gillis. Shane Gillis tonight, man, as a host. Show him some love.

Seriously.

What a good set.

What a good set.

I'll be honest with you guys. Shane Gillis was one butt light away from

calling me a nigga on this stage tonight.

One butt light.

Nigga, he wanted to say it.

Shane is on my Mount Rushmore of racism.

He is.

My Mount Rushmore of racism. Like when it comes to hating black people. Shane

Gillis.

Kid Rock.

Hawk Hogan.

Stephen A. Smith. Those are my four people when it comes to hating black

people.

Shane Gillis is what happens when you let those people on Love on a Spectrum

fuck. That's what happens.

They make one of those.

Don't let them people fuck. You gonna get another Shane Gillis.

Shane is what happens.

When you give a Down syndrome baby human growth hormone.

That's what happens.

Don't rush the process.

Shane is autistic.

Shane is autistic and Chelsea is a whore.

They both love trains but for different reasons.

This is a good time for me to talk to one of my sponsors, Chase Bank.

Cash back with every purchase you get with us.

Everybody's been getting on my girl Chelsea all night for being a whore.

Everybody, stop.

Chelsea isn't just a whore.

She's also old.

Chelsea's old.

You know what you need? You need lube to slide into Chelsea's DS.

You're right, Rock. You're right.

Her pussy was recognized. She did get that BET award.

You only get that award, though. You only get that award if you fuck 56.

And that's a fact.

I'm sorry. I read the prompt wrong.

Nope. It's if you fuck 50 niggas. You get that award if you fuck 50 niggas.

Sorry, Chelsea.

That's my bad.

Draymond Green's here.

Hey, Draymond.

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, Draymond's only here because he's not in the playoffs.

That's the only reason why he's here.

It is!

You're a head shot. Fuck you, Draymond.

Everybody attacked my fucking sisters tonight.

A lot of black women on this stage.

Churro, Lizzo, Regina, Tiana came out here.

What I'm not going to do is be a black man and talk about my fucking sisters on

this stage live on Netflix in front of millions of fucking people. Not me.

I'm not going to give you that. I'm not going to give these crackers that

luxury.

Y'all don't know what these women have been through.

None of these women have a fucking man. None of them. None of them.

None of them.

They're home alone at night in their giant mansions eating fucking

microwavable hot pockets watching TV.

I'm not going to stand here in front of all these fucking white people and

disrespect these lonely bitches.

I want to thank my sisters for coming. I love you, Gene.

I love you.

I love you, Lizzo. I love you, Cheryl.

We got a spade game every Tuesday.

Boy, oh boy, y'all got Cat Williams to come out here, huh?

Cat Williams.

Cat Williams came out here.

You know, this is a time to, like, really make everybody realize. Everybody

has said tonight that I can't act.

Kevin cannot act.

What I want you to do is go back and look at that moment where I shook Cat's

hand and I looked him in the eye and I said, I just want us to be friends.

Some of the best fucking acting that I've ever did in my career.

I did not mean one word of what I said. Fuck Cat Williams.

Fuck Cat Williams.

Cat Williams is a motherfucking liar. He's a liar.

Y'all been believing that little nigga's shit for years.

Cat has lied on me.

about so much shit. It's ridiculous, man. Y'all only believe it because it

uses words that you haven't heard in a long time.

Words like restaurant or amenities and shit like that.

Can't say that I went to ditty parties.

Can't have been to ditty parties.

Can't have always gone to ditty parties. I haven't been to no fucking ditty

parties.

I went to one party and this is the truth. I went to one fucking party.

I went to one fucking party, okay? And the only reason why that little nigga

know I was there is because he was there. Cat was at the same fucking

party.

I saw him. He saw me. He said, shh, fuck you, nigga. Tell the truth.

Tell the fucking truth, nigga.

We was at the same fucking party.

I ain't no snitch. I ain't no snitch, but a lot of people was there. Shaq was

there. Usher was there.

Fucking Shannon Sharp was there. He was DJing.

The roots were there. Y'all didn't do nothing, but I saw y'all too.

He's a fucking liar.

Stop believing this nigga lies.

Cat told y'all he read 3,000 books a year.

He said that. He said, I read 3,000 books a year.

All right, well, let's unpack it. Let's talk about the books that you didn't

fucking read.

That's what I want to talk about. What are the books that you didn't read? I'll

tell you what it was. He obviously didn't read his probation paperwork i'll

tell you that that nigga didn't read that he didn't read he didn't he didn't

read he didn't read the room when that little 12 year old choked him the fuck

out i'll tell you that i don't give a fuck how bad things get in my life i

ain't never been choked out by no fucking kid you know it's bad when you

start asking people where his parents at whose kid is this

I don't know, nigga. You lost. You fucking lost.

Why was he there?

Cat William came out here in a goddamn cape.

I've never seen Cat in a regular suit. Not one time.

I've never seen him.

Only time I've seen him in a suit was a lawsuit.

That's the only time I've seen Cat in a fucking suit.

A double-breasted lawsuit.

That nigga got a bunch of cases.

Cat said tonight that I took all his movies that he turned down.

He said that. He fucking said that.

You sat there and laughed at it. Ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha.

This must be the fucking truth. All right, well, let's unpack it. Let's

unpack it.

Kat said I turned down all the rules. Okay, well, let's talk about it, Kat.

You're telling me, you're telling me that you turned down Jumanji 1, 2, 3,

right along, 1, 2, central intelligence, think like a man, 1, 2, the upside,

about last night, 40-year-old virgin, high school, night school, me time,

borderlands, man from Toronto.

Oh!

So you could do a cameo in Norbit? Is that what the fuck you're telling me,

Kat?

Kat, you can't be in my fucking movies.

You think they want to fucking pimp in Jumanji? Is that what the fuck you think

we need?

Ain't no hoes in Jumanji. What the fuck is Kat doing in Jumanji? Hey, bitch, get

out the tree.

What the fuck? We don't need that.

The fuck are you doing?

It's the big leagues up here.

I gotta stop. I gotta stop.

I gotta stop on Kat because it's not good for all these white people to see

two black people fighting.

Two little niggas fighting.

We're too small to have the beef that we have. So Kat, it's over.

The beef is over between me and Kat. And on a serious note, I love the fact that

that man showed up tonight and he showed out. Kat showed the fuck out.

I love that. I love that he's shy, man. I love that we're able to look each

other in the eyes.

Shake each other's hands.

And I meant what I said. I did. I really did. I meant what the fuck I said, man.

That beef is over. Me and Kat are friends from today moving forward, okay?

We're friends from today moving forward.

I'm going to do a quick check.

Lizzo, blood sugar check. You okay?

Are your feet swelled up?

You okay?

You want a Snickers? All right.

Pete Davidson is here, ladies and gentlemen. Pete Davidson is here.

Pete, the fucking thing about roasting you is bad because I like you. Me and

you actually get along, so it's tough to roast you.

I don't really have a roast. I just have a question.

It's not even a question. It's like, oh, I'm happy to see Pete outside.

You never see Pete during the daytime.

Pete is weird.

Scared of the sunlight.

I feel like Pete wants to be black, but he don't want to say it.

He does.

He's done a lot of black shit.

Pete, let's see. Let's bring it down. He's got a child out of wedlock.

He dated Kim Kardashian.

He grew up without knowing his father.

I mean, Pete, if you want to be black so bad, just fuck Chelsea Hitler and don't

call her in the morning.

You can get away with it, Pete.

Jesus, Pete fucks. I mean, Pete fucks.

You fuck, Pete.

No, fuck you. That's it. That's enough.

Edit that out, what Pete just said.

I want to go to Jeff Ross.

Jeff Ross is here. Jeff Ross actually, he went to the bathroom.

Shocker.

Shocker, Jeff Ross has a bladder problem.

It couldn't sit through the show.

Jeff Ross, actually, he beat cancer.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't believe it. I don't believe it.

I don't believe that Jeff beat cancer. I think the cancer just left. I do.

I also think Jeff looked better with cancer. I think he looks worse without

the cancer. This is the one time where I would ask somebody, can you get the

cancer back?

Can we put it back, Jeff?

Tony Hinchcliffe is here.

Tony, what is that tonight?

Tony, you fucking crushed tonight.

Everybody thinks Tony is gay, too.

Stop it.

Stop the gay stuff with Tony. Tony is not gay.

Tony is not gay.

Tony just likes sucking dick.

It's a big difference.

I mean, look at that smile on Tony.

That's proof that Joe Rogan likes a snack-a-tooth blowjob.

Tony's really not gay, though, man. He just fucked... Oh, Jesus, Jeff. Goddamn.

Out the corner of my eye, it looked like the Kool-Aid man just came out to set.

Jesus Christ.

I mean, what the fuck was that?

I love you.

The fact that you thought you were sneaking just now, Jeff.

I've never heard leather pants make more noise in my life.

Fuck.

I just don't know where Jeff is getting the money to fucking do the things he

does. Jeff,

zip the jacket up. Your fucking nipples out is nasty.

Jeff looks like an insect that you study in biology.

So what did you say? I got a what?

The heart is where?

And this time I just want to say, I'm sorry, Walmart, you're doing amazing

things, rolling back prices.

Keep it going.

You know, guys, in this night, I want to say some people have

shined.

Honestly.

Naeem, I'm so proud of you, brother.

You came here, you did what the fuck you were supposed to do.

And I just want to say that I'm extremely, I'm extremely richer.

than everybody that you see on this stage.

And my biggest fear is waking up one day with any of these bitches' bank

accounts. I don't know how I would live.

I don't know how I would survive. My kids, what would we do?

I mean, DJ, you got money, but after you have to spend it on the AIDS medicine, I

just don't know how much you'll have left.

You guys wanted a real nigga up here tonight, and that's exactly what you

got.

So I'm going to leave this stage in true real nigga fashion.

That's my showing off

I want to give a shout out to all my partners, all of my ecosystem, the

people that make the world of Kevin Hart go around.

Authentic Brands Group, I love you.

Burn Boot Camp, I love you. C4 Energy, I love you. Drag Kings, Tabletics, Grand

Cormino Tequila, Heartbeat, JPMorgan Chase, Michelob, NBC Universal, Qatar

Airways, Shark Ninja, Sirius XM, Sony, Swag Golf, Taco Bell, Verizon, Vita

Hustle, and of course, my partners here at Netflix.

These are words that you would never say because you guys are losers.

See, guys, I'm just a little kid from Philadelphia, and I pray for nights like

this. And what I want you guys to know is this. If I don't celebrate myself,

then who else will?

At the end of the day, I'm proud of myself.

And what you've been smelling all night is me because I'm the shit. And at the

end of the day, I'm him, and he is me, and together we make we.

Philadelphia, you should stand up.

Happy Mother's Day.

Inigo, I love you.

And motherfucker, I'm off.

Let's go.