Original subtitles

[Leon] Somebody need to talk to my man, you know what I mean?

I'm so happy you called me. He's just moping around?

I mean, we all are really worried about him, man.

This Cheryl thing's got him crazy.

This Cheryl thing's got him twisted man, for real.

He's up there moping man. Mopy dick, that's what he is.

- "Moby Dick." - No, mopy dick.

- No, it's called "Moby Dick." - Who's fucking Moby Dick?

"Moby Dick" is the book by Melville.

- The fuck is "Moby Dick"? - Where you get mopy dick from?

Mopy dick, man. His dick is moping.

- Oh, literally mopy dick? - Yeah, mopy dick.

Okay, let's go up and get his mopy-ass dick out of bed.

- Let's go. - I like how you operate, man.

You know what I mean? You're straightforward.

I like that shit.

- What? - Gotta come in.

[Leon] Coming in, man.

- Hey, what's going on? - I don't know.

I fucked up my life.

[Jeff] How did you fuck up your life? What did you do?

You know, with Cheryl.

- Oh, Cheryl. - Oh, man.

This Cheryl shit again.

Come on, man.

Stupid call from the plane...

I didn't...

You were busy with the TiVo guy.

Busy with the TiVo guy!

Yeah, I was busy with the TiVo guy.

Your brain is all fucking discombobulated, man.

You need to focus on some ass.

I'm just never gonna meet

anybody like her again.

Ever, ever.

- I'm not disputing that... - Ever.

But you got to meet somebody else.

You got to move on.

There's nobody that compares to her.

I can't even imagine being with anybody else.

Listen, man, you've got to get out there and do stuff.

Get down there and get breakfast.

What are you doing?

Is she going to Sammie's bat mitzvah?

Yeah, she's coming to the bat mitzvah.

She's bringing, uh, that guy too.

What do you want me to do? We didn't pick sides.

I can't believe I gotta see her with this guy

at Sammie's bat mitzvah!

- Who are you gonna bring? - Nobody!

You gotta bring somebody!

Bring somebody? Who? Who am I gonna bring?

You're gonna find somebody!

You're not gonna find her here, laying like this.

- Come on. - Yeah.

You gotta find somebody, man.

I'm not a good dater. I can't date.

Well, why can't you date?

You're not comfortable

in your Larry shell right now.

You got to become

another motherfucker right now.

Larry, grow a mustache, man.

Grow a goatee, mustache, grow sideburns.

Become another motherfucker, man.

- You feel me? - It's not bad advice.

- It's not bad advice. - Think about that shit, man.

But anything to get your ass out of bed.

[Jeff] Get your ass out of...

- Fuck was that? - What are you doing?

You got bedbugs? What's going on?

Oh, nothing.

Just a little uncomfortable.

Listen, I did my part.

- Okay, thanks. - Get your ass up.

- I gotta go to work, alright? - Thanks, yeah.

- I'll see you later. - Good work, man.

Hey, I'll get him up. Hey, man, let's roll, LD.

Come on downstairs, man, the family want to

talk to you a little bit.

Alright, I'm, I'm, I'm turning over a new leaf today.

- Yeah, just come on downstairs. - That's it.

- We wanna just talk to you. - No more of this shit.

Yeah, get out of that crease, man.

- Okay, no more. - Let's get you together, man.

Okay, I'm getting it together.

Yeah, think about that beard.

Think about that mustache.

- Selling like popcorn. - Ooh, girl.

Look who I found.

- Hey. - Hey, LD!

- How you doing? - Yeah.

Eh I think okay. I think I'll be alright.

- Good. - I'm fine.

Good, good.

You know what? My mind is made up.

I am forgetting about her as of now.

- Okay, alright. - That's what I'm talking about.

- As of now. - LD.

- It's a new day. - You gonna be fine, trust me.

He'll be the last man standing.

- You damn right. - So what's going on?

What do you want to talk to me about?

Loretta, you want to...

Um, our house is ready

and, uh, we're gonna go home.

Yeah, yeah. Lady called today.

- We out, for real. - Yes, we are.

- We not kidding you. We out. - No, for real.

He's speechless. I can't believe it.

Wow. I am speechless.

- You too? - I'm out of here too, man.

I got a little boo down there imma holla at.

Get down there, you know.

I know it looked like

we weren't gonna ever get out of here but...

Well...

- You gotta go, you gotta go. - Yeah.

- We're gonna miss you, though. - We are.

You can always come visit now.

- Eh, let's not go crazy. - Oh!

- My gerbil's gone. - What?

- My gerbil's gone. - What do you mean?

- Your gerbil's gone? - What you mean your gerbil...

Well, come on. Let's go find it.

- Chill out. We cool. - Chill out?

There's a gerbil running amok in my house!

Come on, help find it.

[Antoinette] Okay, thank you.

- Hey, Larry? - Yeah?

The building manager just called.

In the next few days, somebody's gonna come

and look at that office across from you.

- Are you kidding? - No.

Oh, I dreaded this day.

I don't want anybody moving in across the hall.

It's really... You know, we have privacy here.

I know. Larry, there's nothing I can do.

We're not gonna have control of the thermostat.

- That's right, it's in there. - Yeah, it's in there.

Why don't we take that office then?

I'm not gonna pay for an office I'm not using.

Well, somebody's gonna take it if you don't take it.

I mean, how do you stop somebody from renting it?

That's what I want to know.

How are you?

You know, I feel a little better today.

- Do you? - Yeah.

- I've been pretty depressed. - You seem better.

- You look good. - Yeah.

I feel better.

I'm feeling like I'm ready

but I hate being single. I just hate it.

- I know, Larry. I'm sorry. - I want to meet somebody.

I wanna, you know, I swear to God

I can get married again in a month if I could, you know.

Oh, Larry. Larry David, you are a romantic.

Am I? Do you think I am?

Oh, I forgot, Matt Tessler called and said

"Hey, I'm in the building. I thought I'd drop by."

- He's in the building? - Yeah.

I mean, he said he knows you, "Seinfeld" Days.

Yeah, he directed four "Seinfelds."

He was terrible, though. He's a terrible director.

- Oh, I remember Matt. - What does he want?

Lewis is doing a pilot now

and I'll bet he wants me to recommend him.

You know, he's got the son...

Oh my gosh, that's right, I forgot.

Who's got the muscular issues.

- MS or MD or... - I don't know.

There's something, you know.

I could say that you had to leave?

- You had an important meeting? - Eh...

Larry David. Larry David, how ya doing?

Hey, Matt Tessler! Oh!

- We're just talking about you. - Good to see you.

- She told me that you called. - Hey, Matt, been a long time.

It's nice to see you. How are you?

- You're well? You look good. - Yeah. You know what?

- You look pretty good yourself. - Oh, thanks, thanks.

Yeah, I'm doing okay, doing okay.

Look at this.

- Working my ass off, yeah. - Nice.

I just, you know, I'm kind of stuck

in the dramedy ghetto, you know.

Well, I did the cancer scare episode of "Home improvement"

so I got typed as this guy who does ticker.

Oh, jeez.

Now they want me to do all the teardrop stuff.

I want to get back to the funny

and I want to get back the shtoomy.

The shtoomy, yeah.

You and Richard Lewis still tight?

Is there any way you can just give him a...

I'm really, uh, not... Uh, you know.

- You're not tight anymore? - Not really tight.

'Cause they're floating my name to direct his pilot

and I just would love to be in on that.

Well, if I run into him, I'll, you know...

Yeah, if I had a recommendation from you, though

that would mean that I'd have a shot at this.

The sitcom... You know, I'd come in at 9:00-10:00

I get a chance to see my son in the morning.

It's a great life.

I'd get a chance to see him at night

so anything you could do

to recommend me to Richard would be just great.

Yeah, I'll, I'll, I'll... I'll recommend you.

Bless your heart. Bless your heart.

- Yeah. - Hey, Larry.

Do you still have that tickle in your anus?

I cannot get you an appointment for two weeks.

What?

Are you experiencing discomfort?

What? Tickle in my... What is she talking about?

What are you talking about? Where'd you get that from?

It's nothing to joke around about.

Who were you trying to get an appointment with?

- Yeah, what... Huh? - Rosenberg.

Rosenberg is a good man. I got a better one.

Pencil.

Call this man. Dr. Jay Whitney.

My wife's cousin Kai, she runs the office for him.

- Oh, she does? Yeah? - She can open all the doors.

Not just the back one, you know what I mean?

- Seriously... - Yeah.

She can get you in today.

You don't have to think about it.

It's nice of you, but there's really nothing wrong.

Why'd you say I have a tickle in my anus?

I don't have a tickle. Are you fucking crazy, huh?

Tickle in my anus?

She's just looking out for you.

Why'd you say that?

I don't have a tickle. Who said that?

Look, I gotta go. I gotta go.

Look, I think I've given you the wrong impression.

- Larry's anus is fine. - Shut the fuck up, okay?

- Shut the fuck up! - Sorry.

All I'm saying is, don't take any chances here, okay?

- This is serious, alright? - Yeah, no.

- Good, 'cause I care about you. - Yeah, thanks.

- Not just 'cause... - Good to see you. Yeah.

And you.

I'm gonna call Richie right now.

- Thanks, Ant... - Antoinette.

- Yeah. - I'll take care of that.

Okay, thank you, Larry. Thanks so much.

Okay.

Hi, it's Richard. Leave a message.

Hey, Richard, it's Larry.

Um, Matt Tessler just asked me

to recommend him for your pilot

so this is me calling...

...to recommend... "Recommend" him.

So in case he ever asks you

if I recommended him, you can tell him

that in fact I did... recommend him.

Alright, I'll talk to you later.

- Hi. - Hey.

Just sign in, please, and have a seat.

Shouldn't be too long.

I have a little problem with this...

These sign-in sheets, you know.

My name's right out in the open here.

It's a bit of a privacy issue.

There's no shame in having to come

to the gastroenterologist's office.

It's a little embarrassing maybe, you know.

We could just put a sign up on the wall saying

"Larry David was here."

Why don't we do that?

You know, I have to tell you

I've worked here for four years

and I've never had anyone come in

and, like, cruise the list

of patient names for any reason.

What if you are in charge of this, okay?

So this is down here. You keep that.

I don't like that.

First of all

I only get paid nine dollars an hour

so it's a little more responsibility than I'm used to

to keep track of patients.

Second of all, I can't even make decisions.

You have to take it up with the home office.

I would like to take it up with the home office.

See, you didn't think I was gonna take you up on that.

No, I did think you were. You strike me as that type.

Well, things like this interest me.

I'm not an inventor, but I'm an improver.

I improve things that are broken.

This is broken. This system is broken.

- I'd like to improve it. - Great.

I'm assuming you're a new patient

'cause I think I would have remembered you.

- So please fill that out. - Yeah. Okay.

What would you do if I sat there, huh?

You'd be a little freaked out if I sat there.

- Wouldn't you, honestly, huh? - A little bit.

- A little bit. - Yeah. I think a lot.

Yeah, it's a little creepy.

Yeah. What are you reading?

It is called "Showbiz insider."

Really?

I like to feel like an insider when...

- Pretty heady stuff. Wow. - Yes, very heady stuff.

Many are called. Few are chosen.

You must be very, very bright.

Yes.

Where you from, New York?

- I'm picking up an accent. - Yeah.

- Yeah? - Yeah. You from New York?

Yeah.

But I'm not a Jew, if that's what you're thinking.

Because I thought that I saw your wheels spinning.

That's uncanny.

It's like there's a window

into my soul and you can just really read me.

I read you loud and clear, sister, yeah.

Yes.

Are you okay, by the way? Do you have any...

You have some terrible medical problem that brought you here?

I'm fine. Checkup.

- Checkup? - Hmm.

Hmm, really?

- You? - Checkup.

- Really? - Yeah.

Huh.

- How about that? - Let me ask you a question.

Did you ever go out with a bald guy?

Yeah.

How'd you find it?

It was magical.

- Yeah? See? - Yes.

How am I doing on the... on the flirt so far?

- How would you assess it? - Um...

- Pretty good? - I'm... Well, seven and a half.

- Seven and a half? Really? - Seven and a half, yeah.

- You're tough. - Larry David?

- You're up. - Alright.

Well, they have called for me.

Larry? Come on.

I guess I'll go in for my checkup.

- Checkup. - Nice talking to you.

Good luck.

So long.

Hello, Mr. David. How are you?

- Good. - Good. Alright.

Oh, you know my cousin, Matt Tessler.

Oh, Matt's your cousin? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, right. Oh, thank you for this...

Yeah, sure, sure, sure.

Um, so let me ask you, Mr. David

why are you here to see the doctor?

Um... I'd just as soon tell the... Tell the doctor.

No, it's okay, I've got to take all of the information first,

then I give it to the doctor.

So why don't you tell me what's the reason you're here?

I know but if the doctor's gonna come in here

why not just tell the doctor?

I don't see why I need

to tell you and then you

tell the doctor.

Why not just tell him directly?

I'm going to New York.

Why am I stopping off in Florida?

Mm-hmm, policy is, is that I take

the information down first and I give it to him.

He'll come in and go over this.

So he'll have it all written down.

He won't have to go through all of the questions again.

This whole thing is askew, your system.

The doctor should be in here right now.

We could be saving time.

He's got other patients that he's dealing with.

I pretty much cut the time in half with him.

Cut the time in ha... What, you intercept him in the hall?

He's gonna get the information and then what?

Run to the Internet to look it up?

No. He's gonna hear it from you and then come in...

The doctors and the nurses work hand in hand.

I just need the information.

If you could just give it to me...

I'm not that comfortable telling you, frankly.

Well, I need to take it down before I can leave.

Okay, I have a gerbil up my ass.

That's my problem.

How long has it been there?

Two days.

- Okay? Okay? - Okay, thank you.

The doctor will be right with you.

Fine. Great. Happy?

- Mr. David. - Hello, Doctor.

- Larry, nice to see you. - Okay.

I was wondering if you could tell me

what seems to be the problem.

Hey, what happened...

What happened to the sign-in sheet?

Oh, I called, uh, corporate headquarters

off your suggestion and they loved it.

- So there's a new policy. - What?

It's private, just like you wanted.

No, no, no, I don't want that. You're listening to me?

I don't know what I'm talking about.

Put the sign-in sheet back up.

- I can't. No. - What?

You can't see this now.

Alright, first of all, I got to tell you something.

- Okay? - Yes?

I want to apologize for the way I behaved earlier.

Mr. David, you don't have to play games with me.

- I don't? - No.

Are you looking for Christopher?

No.

- Andrew? - Keep going.

- Paula? - Aha.

You cannot tell. I could get fired.

No, no, no, never.

- No, no, no, no. - I have no formal education.

- No, no, no, no, no. - Okay.

- Be careful. - Thank you.

She looks like a live wire.

- You called her? - Yeah.

So where you gonna take her on a date?

I'm gonna take her to the movies maybe.

That's great.

The question is, why was she at that...

What kind of doctor was that again?

- Mm, gastro enter ologist. - So what was she doing there?

- That's the question. - Oh, my God.

Why was she there? I don't know.

I hope she doesn't have the same thing I do.

Well, that's a good thing. It'll go away.

- Hm? - Yeah.

Let me ask you a question.

How much you'll give me to start gargling now?

- 50 bucks. - You'll give me 50 bucks?

- 50 bucks. - Take it out of your pocket.

Mm-hmm. Mmm.

Just do it. I... What, you don't trust me?

Here you go.

- I just got 50 bucks. - No, now that doesn't count.

- No! - No, you can't do that.

- What are you talking about? - I'd have paid that happily.

It was so enjoyable.

It was so enjoyable and you ruined it

with "I just got 50 bucks."

Let me ask you a question.

Tessler's still one of your clients?

Yeah. He's coming to the bat mitzvah.

You know who else is coming to the bat mitzvah?

My newest client John Legend.

He's a huge R&B singer. Client.

I have no idea who this guy is.

- Do you know who anyone is? - No.

When was the last time you bought an album?

1972?

- '72? So you know no one. - No, I know nothing.

Anyhow, he's my client now, he's coming

to the bat mitzvah. He's gonna sing.

Well, maybe I'll bring this woman.

You know, if we get along tonight, I'm gonna ask her.

- You gotta bring somebody. - I gotta bring somebody.

With Cheryl coming with that guy

you gotta be there with somebody.

Why don't we double-date tonight?

You know what, Susie and I were talking

about going to the movies anyhow.

- You're kidding. Let's do it. - No. Perfect.

I can check her out.

I haven't dated in a while. Who-who pays?

- You pay. - Don't be ridiculous. You pay.

- I do? - Yes, you pay.

- Larry's not used to dating. - Clearly, yes.

No, I haven't dated in a long time.

- No, long time. - Now, what do I do?

Am I allowed to hold hands during the mo--

- I don't know if there's rules. - 'Cause honest to God.

I really don't know. Is there a rule?

Excuse me.

Thank you.

Hi.

One... movie.

Thank you.

Don't you want to sit on the aisle? Huh?

- Unh-uh. - No.

- I was being nice. - No, center's better.

- Center is much better. - Center? Why?

You think there's a big difference over there from here?

- Yes, there is. This is good. - Really?

As long as a giant man doesn't sit in front of me.

Or a giant woman.

- Oh, my God. - What?

This guy, that's the guy

who walked past the line to get his ticket before.

- Oh, yeah. - Keith!

- Look at him. - I think it is.

Oh, my God. He was faking.

- Are you kidding me? - No.

That's really good.

- Oh, my God. - Holy shit.

I gotta take my hat off to him.

I gotta tell ya, that's pretty good.

- You okay? - Yeah, fine.

Why? Why are you asking me that?

- No reason. - Okay.

- Everything okay with you? - Yeah, fine.

- You sure? - Yeah.

Why? Why shouldn't it be?

Well, it's just you're squirming a lot.

You're squirming more than I am.

Well, my seat is uncomfortable.

Yeah, my seat's uncomfortable too.

I know. Okay, we're in agreement.

Why did you say you went to that gastro enter ologist again?

- I was there for a checkup. - Checkup?

Yes. Why do you keep asking me that?

I don't know, I've never heard of anybody going to

a gastro enter ologist for a checkup.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

That's what you were doing there.

- Is that what I said? - Yes, that's what you said.

Honestly, I'm just really kind of bored with this movie.

- It's not so bad. - I really want to go.

Can we go? Please.

Are you gonna drag me out of this movie

with five minutes to go? That's insane.

It's not five minutes, this is the world's worst film

I've ever seen and I really want to go.

Oh, come on, five more minutes. Don't be crazy.

What do you gain by staying? You don't care about this story.

I finish things I start. Books...

They could be 500 pages, once I start them

even if I hate it, I'll finish it.

I have friends who I can't stand

you know, for, like, 25 years.

I'm still friends with them.

- Why? - Because I stay to the end.

Until they're dead.

I go down with the ship. That's what I do.

I'm not even the captain. I'm going down with the ship.

That's how I want you to think about me

a guy who keeps the captain company.

I can't watch this.

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

- Where is she going? - I don't...

- She was bored. - It's almost over.

I know. I told her. It's five minutes to go. It's crazy.

You'd better go out after her. She's not gonna wait for you.

No, you don't expect somebody else to leave

if you're walking out of the movie.

You don't understand women.

You don't understand etiquette.

Fine.

- Where is she? - She's not here.

Are you surprised?

- Can you believe it? - Yeah, that's rude.

I told you she was gonna leave.

That is completely rude, unbelievable.

By the way, I timed it.

There were six minutes left in that movie.

- Irrelevant, Larry. - Six minutes!

- She's not gonna wait for you. - I invested an hour and a half.

I'm supposed to leave with six minutes to go?

The last six minutes. That's craziness.

Fine. Doesn't matter. So, fine.

You were right and now you're alone.

Yeah, well, she has a tickle in her anus anyway.

- How about that? - She has a tickle in her anus?

- I think so. - Seriously?

- She was squirming in her seat. - I don't wanna hear it.

- That movie stunk, by the way. - No, it's great. You're crazy.

So you're not gonna go to the bat mitzvah?

Eh, you know, I don't want to go by myself.

And Cheryl's gonna be there with this guy.

So we'll get you a date. My next-door neighbor.

She's a belly dancer. She also was in Cirque du Soleil.

Yeah, that's the one with the nose rings, right?

She can take 'em out.

Then there's a hole in the nose.

We'll just cover it with makeup.

Blech!

Do you want any coffee? I'm gonna go get coffee.

- No, I don't want anything. - This way.

This is the one I was telling you about.

- I think it's just perfect. - This is great.

Yeah, available the first of the month.

All we need is your signature on the paperwork.

That's great. Two months upfront?

Upfront. Two parking spaces. It's all yours.

How do you heat it?

Oh, you've got your own thermostat right there, see?

You know what? I got to take this.

Will you excuse me for one second?

- I'll be right back. - Sure. Yeah, okay, good.

- Hi, I'm just-- - Hello!

- How are you? - I'm, uh... I'm-I'm good.

Are you renting the office... next door?

You know, I'm thinking about it.

- That's very good. - We'll-we'll-we'll be friends.

Well, you know, I'm looking at several places.

- I should probably catch up-- - We'll go to lunch together.

- Yeah. - Every day, every day.

- Every day. - Every day, lunch.

Uh, listen, you're probably busy.

No, I'm not. I have nothing to do here.

Listen, I got to find the office manager. Thank you.

Well, goodbye. Bye!

I hope you rent the office!

Larry?

- Oh, hey. - I interrupting something?

No.

Uh, I-I just came by to say thanks

for the recommendation. I got the gig.

- You got the job? - Yeah.

What's this about? What's this? Is this supposed to be funny?

No, no, no. Someone was gonna rent the office next door--

This is how you welcome him? You d-d-do some humor?

No, no, no, it was a test to see if he's a tolerant person.

And anyone who's not is no neighbor of mine.

I know somebody who wouldn't find this funny at all.

He's a 10-year-old boy named Max and he lives in my house

who's not gonna think that's so funny.

- Oh, jeez. - This is what you do?

You sit on your ass making fun of retarded people?

- Oh, come on. I'm just-- - Un-fucking-believable.

I'm really disappointed in you.

I would rent an office to your son.

My son has an office on the right hand of Jesus.

Hey, you know what's really funny?

A successful writer-producer

who puts gerbils up his ass for fun.

- What? What? - I talked to Kai.

I talked to my cousin, that's why you had to see the doctor.

Oh, that's bullshit. No! no! I made that up, you moron.

Why would you make something like that up?

'Cause I didn't feel like telling her what's wrong.

That doesn't make any sense. And you know what?

I think a lot of people would get a kick out of this.

I really do. Fuck you, Larry.

Let's just try it out on the street.

- Hey, no! - Hey!

- Wanna hear something funny? - I made that up!

Hey, you wanna hear something funny?

So sorry. Do we still have time to do it?

- I'm sorry. - No. I'm late now.

- It's too late for lunch? - It's too late for lunch!

And it's too late for my career

and you fucked me with Tessler.

- He's... he's not working out? - He sucks!

- He doesn't know comedy. - I know that, I know.

- He should be selling fabrics. - Why'd you hire him?

How'd... You! My friend of 47 years, you recommended him.

Oh, I recommended him? When I called you

I told you that he asked me to recommend him,

so I'm "recommending" him.

- Why? What? - I put quotes around it.

Why'd you "recommend" him, Mr. Quotehead?

I thought that you would pick up that it was

a non-recommend recommend.

You know, life is very brief, okay?

And you know I need a good series.

Is life too short?

- You think it's too short? - Yeah.

- It's too short, isn't it? - Yeah.

But now my life is fucking way short.

- I'm sorry. - You ruined my fucking pilot!

Because of your recommendation!

I can see if it came from a-from a skinhead...

- Yeah. - Or one of Ben Laden's people.

You call him Ben Laden or Bin Laden?

- I don't know. - You called him Ben.

That's almost like a Jewish name.

That's true. Ben Laden does sound

like a shirt-maker in Manhattan.

- Yes, I know. - "Let's go to Ben Laden's.

They got great collars."

Exactly, yeah. Anyway, I'm...

- No. Listen... - I'm-I'm sorry.

Yeah, fine, fi...

It's true, isn't it?

- Holy shit. - What are you talking about?

Did you stick a gerbil up your ass? The whole fucking town--

Are you out of your mind? Are you crazy?

It's all over the set. It's everywhere. And I said--

Jesus, this Tessler is spreading this rumor about me

to-to get back at me.

Well, it's all over the fucking city now.

It's gonna be on the Internet too.

It's everywhere. It's everywhere.

Jesus Christ, you see the way that guy looked at me?

I'm sure he probably read "Gerbil" Magazine

and you're fucking on the cover.

Holy shit.

You know, I do have a tickle in my anus.

Oh, really?

- Yeah. - I gotta split.

Hey, Carol.

Carol!

It's not true!

- I cannot believe it. - That's some crazy shit.

Victor missing, then all of a sudden, you hear this shit.

Leon! Leon, I don't really think

he would do something like that.

- I-I don't think-- - You don't know, Loretta.

Think about it. Think about it.

Look, the gerbil missing, right? Right?

And then you hear this shit going on. Come on now.

- Oh, Loretta. - Add this shit up.

Here he comes now. What's going on, Larry?

What's going on, Larry? Huh?

Victor Gerbil got in the elevator

hit up, and went up your asshole?

- Is that what happened? Huh? - Leon!

I-I can't believe that this thing has already

gotten to this house, that you would accuse me of that.

Larry, where the fuck's the gerbil?

I got your back, LD. I didn't think you did it.

Thank you I didn't even want that thing in the house

much less put it up my ass, okay?

- Let him out, Larry. - So, wait a minute.

Are you saying you didn't do that?

Absolutely. Of course not. Come on, that's insane.

- Phew! Oh, my God. - That's what I thought, yeah.

I'm still sick about the fact that that thing

is running around the house somewhere.

- Yeah, alright. Whatever. - We're done packing.

- Alright, kids. - Alright, sweetness.

Hey, y'all. Y'all got everything together?

- Yeah, we're done. - Alright that's good.

- You ready to roll? - Wow.

This is really happening, isn't it?

Oh, yeah, we about ready to bounce.

- Yeah. - When are you going?

Tomorrow.

- Tomorrow? - Mm-hmm.

- Can you believe it? - We're out of here, man.

- Yeah. - Oh, my God. Wow.

It crept up on you, right? You're gonna miss us, Larry.

We're gonna miss you too, Larry.

Alright, come on, don't get my waterworks going here.

- You know how emotional I am. - Alright, okay.

We're gonna miss you, Larry. That's deep.

Yeah. Alright, I gotta get ready for a bat mitzvah.

- What's that? - It's a Jewish ceremony.

- Oh. Mm-hmm. - It's a big party.

You don't wanna go with me, do you?

- You want me to go? - Yeah, come on.

Sure I'll go with you, LD.

- Beautiful. - Yeah.

- Bat mitzvah? - Yeah.

My little girl is so perfect.

We're singing Japanese!

- Thank you. How you doing? - Naches to you.

Yo-you saw the early rehearsals, you know, when you left

they had a run-through. The network stormed out.

How in the fuck could my best friend

recommend such an asshole?

Why didn't you say you didn't like him?

Any normal person would have picked up

on what I was trying to say.

Now I'm abnormal. Oh, now I'm abnormal.

Yeah, you are abnormal.

You're the most abnormal, jerky nutcase

I've ever met in my entire-entire--

Oh, you think you're more normal than me?

- Fuckin'-A I am. - Yeah.

I'll have a mental patient face-off with you any day.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

Did you stick a gerbil up your ass?

- Who told you that? - I'm not gonna tell you--

- Tell me who told you that. - It's not important.

Of course I didn't stick a gerbil up my ass!

- Don't get so upset. - I'm upset!

- He's telling everyone. - Yeah, he sure is.

- Gerbil up his ass. - Oh, my God.

On behalf of my wonderful wife Susie and myself

I-I want to welcome you.

Thank you all so much for coming.

It means a-a lot to us,

a lot to Sammie, I can tell you that.

We're very proud of her.

I don't want to embarrass her, and, uh

so I'm gonna keep this short and just say thank you

from the bottom of our hearts.

What we're gonna do right now is open it up to anybody

who'd like to say something, make a toast, whatever.

- Come on up. - Yeah, I'm gonna--

- Larry. - I'd like to say something.

- Alright. - Okay.

Hey. Um...

Well, first of all, I'm so thrilled

to be here at Sammie's bat mitzvah tonight.

- Thank you, Larry. - This is a fantastic occasion.

You know, I-I've known Sammie since she was born, actually.

I was in the hospital, remember?

I was in the hospital that day

and I saw her, you know, when she was, like, five minutes old.

It was not a pretty sight for me.

It was the first time I ever saw one of those things, you know.

Um, anyway, what I really want to talk about tonight

is that there's a guest here spreading a vicious

nasty, scurrilous rumor about me and a gerbil.

Okay? I'm sure you've heard it.

And there's not a word of truth to it, okay?

He has a personal vendetta, so don't believe one word of that.

It's not true.

However, in the interest of full disclosure

I will tell you that, um, I do have a tickle in my anus.

And they're slightly related to each other.

- What did he say? - The point is, it's not true.

I just thought it was important to say that...

Fine, Larry. Thank you! Thank you very much.

...he would spread that vicious rumor about me.

- Okay. - Larry, thank you very much.

- Okay? That is untrue! - Enough.

What are you looking at, Tessler?

I'll put a fist up your ass! How about that, huh?

Well, um, if anyone else has a toast

something to say...

I'll be right back.

- Hi. - Hello.

- How you doing? - Nice to see you.

- You remember Glenn? - Sure.

- Sammie looks cute. - Yeah.

- Very cute. She's all grown up. - Yeah, I know.

- Oh, your underwear? - Yes.

- Got 'em on. - My underwear?

You're in the no-fly zone?

I'm going right over the fence.

- You're over the fence? - Over the fence.

- Do you miss the gate? - Not at all.

Don't even think about the gate?

- Don't even think about it. - That's wonderful.

- Thank you. - You look good.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

This one goes out to Sammie.

- Would you like to dance? - Um, yes.

- I mean if you don't mind. - No, please. Yeah.

♪ You give your hand to me ♪

♪ And then you say hello ♪

♪ I can hardly speak ♪

♪ My heart is beating so ♪

♪ And everyone can tell ♪

♪ You think you know me well ♪

♪ But you don't know me ♪

♪ No you don't know the one ♪

♪ Who dreams of you at night ♪

♪ Who longs to kiss your lips ♪

♪ And longs to hold you tight ♪

- Care to dance? - Thank you.

♪ You see me as friend ♪

♪ That's all I've ever been ♪

♪ You don't know me ♪

♪ You give your hand to me ♪

♪ And then you say goodbye ♪

♪ I watch you walk away ♪

♪ With some other guy ♪

♪ Oh you'll never never know ♪

♪♪ust how I love you so ♪

♪ You don't know me ♪

- Wake up, wake up! - Hey, hey!

- Wake up! - Oh, alright, whoa!

- Get the ball, Daryl! - Slide tackle, number 2, black.

- What, you're gonna cite that? - Of course.

What, are you crazy? Are you out of your mind?

Get out of here.

Come on.

Stop playing. Stop playing.

- Would y'all calm down? - Hey, give me that.

- No! - Don't make me come back there!

It's mine. It's mine.

- Oh! Oh! - Don't go in the room!

Oh, fuck you, Larry. Bullshit, motherfucker.

- I didn't know. - You are such a bald asshole!

- What? - I can't begin to tell you.

Who the fuck do you think you talking to?

Don't nobody talk to my man like that!

You better get your ass out of my house, you fucking bitch!

Goodbye.

Get your smile on. Put your smile on.

Get your smile on, come on.

Everybody smiling? Here we go.