Original subtitles

[Larry] It's a mystery to me.

How could you have lived

with that maniac for that long?

- I don't know. - Huh?

- I don't know. - How did you do it?

'Cause, you know, I'm not that guy anymore.

- No? - No.

Honestly, you don't look like that guy anymore.

I... Look! Look how much I've changed.

Look. D-did I ever dress like this?

- No. Your shirt's tucked in. - Huh? I'm tucking in.

- You've got real shoes on. - Shoes, slacks.

You look like a real person.

Not an eighth-grader with silly shoes.

I used to walk around in sneakers like an eighth-grader.

Yeah. I have to say I-I love the new Larry.

- Really? - Yeah.

- You know what I wanna do? - Hmm?

I wanna travel with you.

A little traveling in Europe maybe

you know, bicycles, all that stuff you wanted to do

that y-you used to ask me about

and, "No, no, I don't wanna do that.

There's no golf courses nearby."

I don't give a shit about golf anymore.

I just wanna be with you.

A-and you know what else, and-and I know

you love scuba diving. I never did that with you.

You always wanted to go scuba diving with me.

You know, I-I, you know, I can't see underwater

uh, 'cause, you know-- But whatever.

I'll-I'll feel around for the fish, you know.

Well, it seems like you've done a lot of reflecting and...

I'm a completely changed man.

The only vestige of my old self

is that I've still got the good breath, you know.

That's the thing you're keeping?

The new Larry's keeping the minty

the minty breath, yeah.

The old Larry y-you're getting rid of?

He's over. He's over.

You know, and he, he hated your sister...

He did?

You know what? Forget that Larry.

He's dead. He's dead.

He's completely dead.

Anyway... it's really good to see you.

It is good to see you too.

It's very impressive that you're...

- Really? - That you're trying. It is.

- I really am trying. - I know. I-I can see that.

- I really am. - I know.

Hey... let's go to the movies tomorrow night.

Movies, dinner.

Come on, I'll take you out to dinner.

Um, I would love to go to the movies and dinner.

Really?

Let me just talk to my therapist

and see what she has to say first.

I just want to make sure she feels good about that.

I'll call my therapist and see what she says.

- And I'll call you. - Great.

Hey, how much are we supposed to tip the bartender, by the way?

Don't they make too much money? I mean, everybody buys a drink.

They get, what, 20% of every drink?

- That's insane, isn't it? - Well, they work really hard.

Yeah.

I know, I know. That's... It's good.

No, they're on their feet all night, so whatever.

Whatever they make, good for them. You know.

They work hard, you know.

[Larry] It could not have gone better.

It was amazing.

I showed up in... You know, I-I was tucked in.

I had shoes on, she always...

You know, she never likes the way I dress

but um, she noticed the tucked-in

and she was very impressed with that.

And I looked like a man, you know?

This is great, great stuff. It's great progress.

- Yeah. - Um, I have to say.

It's not surprising, um...

...because I'd like to think I know what I'm doing.

And, oh I said, and I was talking about the future.

If we get back together, what I want to do

I want to travel with her, you know, on bicycles.

Traveling in bi... Scuba diving...

In a zillion years would I go... But, I-I, you know what?

I would do it with her. I really would.

Be enthusiastic, but don't make

any specific promises that you can't fulfill.

That's my own personal advice.

Jeez, I said a lot of stuff last night.

Let's deal with that when it arises.

Uh, I might be bicycling in France in a couple of months.

Again, let's focus on, on the next stage.

Well, here's the thing, I asked her

to go to the movies tonight, okay?

And the therapist gave her the green light

so we're going to dinner, you know, and a movie.

Or a movie and a dinner, depending on the starting time.

Sometimes it works out you go to a dinner and a movie.

Sometimes it's better to have dinner after the movie

so you have something to talk about.

Movie, dinner, let's not

let's not even waste time talking about that.

- Movie, dinner. - Movie, dinner.

So y-you take her to a movie.

After you do the movie, just reach over

grab her hand, hold it tenderly

and tell her, "I love you."

Really?

Whisper into her ear, "I love you."

At that point, she's feeling vulnerable.

And then at dinner

that's when you have to up the stakes.

That's when you have to tell her

you want her to move back in with you

and she has until Monday to decide or...

That's it. It works. That's all I can say.

Wo-wow. Wow.

Whatever she-she might not like it at first

but there's one thing she won't be able to say

is that the guy who just said that is a pussy.

No one likes a pussy.

What, you're getting a lot of pussy from me?

Not an amount that is not manageable.

That's why we have to say "Monday is the cutoff point.

"Either we're back on, move back in

or Monday..."

Okay okay. I think I got it.

Although I gotta say, being a pussy

really wasn't my problem w-with her.

It was more the fact that I was selfish and kind of--

We-we have to stop.

Oh, okay.

Huh, I thought I had, uh...

We have to stop.

- Go... Sling it home. - Alright.

- Go get 'em. - Okay.

I love you.

[Cheryl] I gotta tell ya, New Larry is really working for me.

Let me tell you something, okay?

New Larry can really make you happy.

I really can. I know I can.

Just the idea of you wanting me to be happy

is... amazing.

N-not just happy but really, like, delirious.

- Do you want-- Delirious. - Delirious?

- Hi. - What a surprise!

Is this what I think it is?

- Well, we're-we're just-- - Having dinner.

- Having dinner, talking. - This is one great picture.

I love it!

It's good to see you guys.

Hey, can I ask you for a quick favor?

Nan's dad, Dan, has Alzheimer's.

- Really? Oh! - Ugh!

We're having a 5-mile Walkathon at Venice Beach.

I need you to sponsor me. Jeff's doing it.

Fifty dollars a mile, 250 bucks.

- So you want me to sponsor you? - Yeah, sure. 250 bucks.

"Larry David" right there, pal.

It's worth it, only, you don't know what Alzheimer's is.

- He's got it bad. Yeah. - Really?

W-What ha... What does he do?

He runs around the house all day naked

chasing himself, playing tag.

- It's awful. - Really, truly?

He screams at the cat 'cause she didn't vote.

Every time he farts, he calls the fire department.

Just sign it, please, $250. Don't make me beg you.

- You know, uh... - It is a great cause.

- Yeah. Yeah, sure. - That's great.

Of course. It's a damn good cause.

- Thank you very much. - You're welcome.

- Yeah. - There you go, 250 bucks.

- Thank you, Larry. - Great to see you two again.

- It's good to see you guys. - Thanks.

That's so nice of you to sponsor him.

Come on, what is it, $250?

I know, but I feel like usually you would complain

or, I don't know, give him a hard time, but...

- Old Larry. - I know.

I feel like you are a different person.

Honey, I am a different person.

I am so different.

Listen...

I want you to move back in with me.

You have till M-Monday to decide.

Monday?

Yeah, Monday.

Then the offer's off the table.

You're giving me an ultimatum?

- W-What? N-no... Oh, okay. - Oh, my God. You know what?

You don't have to wait till Monday.

- Guess what, the answer is no. - Okay... There's no ultimatum.

You're never going to change, Larry.

- Ta-take your time! - You obviously have--

Take-take a month! I don't care!

- Don't call me. Please, ever. - What? Uhh... No!

Hey, Cheryl!

Cheryl.

Cheryl, the therapist told me to say that.

- Oh, really? - I want you to move in.

- I do love you. - You know what, Larry?

I thought the new Larry didn't lie.

- I-I'm not lying. - Oh, really?

The therapist said that! He gave me the deadline.

I'm so stupid. I was actually believing you.

No, believe me, that was all true

except for the deadline part.

The therapist told me to say that!

Cheryl!

He put the deadline!

Oh.

You ruined my life.

You ruined my life, okay?

- Okay. - Give her an ultimatum?

- Whoa, okay. - What the fuck was that?

- I was this close, this close! - Larry, y-you're angry.

She's gone.

It's a setback. It's a setback.

I told you she wasn't bothered by the high pussy percentage.

- But you didn't listen to me. - We ran out of time.

I had to see someone else who was, uh, suicidal.

You know what we're gonna do now, we're gonna go to her house

and you're gonna tell her that the whole thing was your idea.

Okay, we'll have a sess... Let's have a session.

No, I don't wanna have a session.

You're gonna tell her that you told me

to give her that stupid ultimatum!

Larry?

Sorry for popping in on you like this, um...

- Hello, I'm Dr. Bright. - This is my therapist.

- Hi, I'm Cheryl. - Could we come in?

And talk to you or just a few minutes?

- Larry... - Huh? It won't take long.

I guess so. Come on in.

Thanks.

Wow.

You're on the ocean?

- Yeah. - Wow, this is...

These places are expensive on the water, aren't they?

Uh, my therapist said that...

...I should do something nice for myself

sort of a love-me gift.

And I decided, you know what?

I've always wanted to live on the beach.

I can do it now, so...

- Very good advice. - Yeah.

- Oh, you think so? - Mm.

I don't remember you telling me to get any love-me gifts.

We were moving on to that at some point.

- Oh, really? - We would've arrived at that.

Interesting.

So what do you guys need to tell me?

- Go ahead, Bright. - Okay.

I gave Larry some flawed advice.

I told Larry to give you an ultimatum.

- He told me to say that! - You told him to say that?

I-I, yeah, because I didn't...

Because the picture that was painted of you

was not the person I'm seeing, well...

- You know, not... No, No, no. - What?

- I-I mean that you-- - What, what does that mean?

Uh, I think... I don't know. I just had a...

- It means nothing. - What did you think?

I-I thought maybe you were the kind of person

who would like an ultimatum. And you're not, clearly.

What kind of picture are you painting of me?

Uh, just a-a loving, a loving portrayal.

Exactly, it was lo... It was a deeply loving portrayal.

W-What have I been saying about her?

Well, you didn't describe her, like, physically

which I... So I didn't know what she looked like.

And that's why I'm just saying whoo!

You know, I'm just impressed.

Why would it matter what somebody looks like physically.

- Because-- - What kind of advice--

You know, you get the face you deserve, right?

- The-the face tells a story. - Alright, alright.

The point is, y-you get an idea of the person

who I-I've been listening to here, huh?

I-is it coming through to you?

So you told Larry to give me an ultimatum.

Fine, okay, now I know that, so...

- Okay? - He's to blame for the--

I'm 90% to blame for everything.

Ninety? I think 100%,100% to blame.

Well, I'm-I'm taking the lion's share, I'm just saying--

No, take more than the lion's share. Take the whole share.

- Take it all. - Okay, I'm... Alright.

Okay. Yeah, no, that's fair.

I-I, Yeah, I'm 100% to blame.

I told Larry to do the, to hold your hand, to say "I love you."

- The new Larry, it's all me. - Alright, no, no, no.

- Y-you didn't-- No! What? - The new Larry is you?

- What did you say? - I just said you--

You're not responsible for the new Larry!

I'm the new... You didn't make New Larry!

You told me to take 100%.

I invented New Larry, not you.

What about tuck in the T-shirt?

The T... what do you mean, you didn't tell me--

- You told me to tuck in-- - Alright.

I understand what you're saying.

I'm gonna to talk to Dr. Slavin and...

...figure it out, so, so thanks.

Alright. Okay.

Alright, thanks for coming, I guess.

Why are you taking credit for New Larry?

I laid the foundation for New Larry.

Bullshit you laid foundation! You didn't do shit!

You're a moron. How could you suggest such a thing?

It's not an exact science, this, and I... I mean, and I...

Clearly! I mean, that is unbelievable.

And the thing about it is that...

...she doesn't make a move now in her life

u-unless her therapist tells her.

But the therapist doesn't know anything about me.

- I-I'm not represented there. - No, you're not.

If the therapist knew me...

Okay? if the therapist thought I was a terrific guy.

There'd be a counterargument to it.

Right. How do you get to her?

I got it. Let's go. Come on.

- Come on, Bright! - Yeah, okay.

So you jump out, you grab the therapist's purse.

Then I come outta nowhere, I tackle you, take you down

get the purse from you.

You run off, you get yourself

a cup of coffee, a piece of pizza.

And I return the handbag and I'm like a...

...a-a god, you know.

I'll do that shit.

- Yeah. Yeah. - I'll do it. What the fuck?

Yeah, you're my motherfucking man, Larry.

Is he the greatest? Are you the greatest, man?

- Yo, what's up? - You are the greatest.

That's how we do it, yo. That's how we fucking do it.

I walk by, I grab the fucking purse.

I run down the street, Larry pops the fuck out

tackles me, tries to get the purse back.

I fuck Larry up, I keep on rolling.

You...

Somebody gotta get fucked up, Larry, right?

Well, you don't need... W-What're you saying, fuck me up, what--

When you tackle me, I ain't gonna look

like a fucking bitch and shit, let you fuck me up.

No. I tackle you, and then you run away. You run away.

The more fucked up you are, the more of a hero

you gonna look like, man, I'mma break

your fucking teeth, your glasses or something.

Leon, I don't need to look like that much of a hero.

Just stopping you and giving her her purse back's--

There's no way in hell, man.

You can't do that shit half-speed.

It's not realistic, Larry, if I don't fuck you up--

- Hey y'all. - Hey who's this?

Hello, I'm Dr. Bright.

That's the... my therapist I was telling you about, he--

- Oh, this Mr. Ultimatum? - Yeah.

Yo, man, that idea you came up with was awful.

So what's going on LD?

Nothin'. Nothin' really.

What's happening? What's happening, Leon?

Larry want me to mug somebody, so... I'mma mug somebody.

Yeah, but it's a pretend mugging. It's fake.

- It's not real. - Pretend! It's all for fun!

I-I know you not going along with that.

A-ain't nobody gonna get hurt, I'mma grab the fucking purse

Larry's going to jump out and try to stop me.

- I'mma fuck Larry up-- - What do you mean, fuck...

- You're not gonna fuck me up! - Leon!

You fucked up! You done lost your mind, Leon.

He's not doin' it!

You know what? This pasty-ass motherfucker got you into it.

Have him get your ass out of it.

She's right.

I'll do it. Eh... fuck it.

There's her therapist.

Okay, okay, that's her. You see her?

Yeah, okay. Alright, let's go.

W-What're you doing? What is this?

You look like a rapist with that thing on.

G-g-get... No! You don't need that.

You know what to do, you know what'd work, put the hood up.

- A hood that's not a cliche? - It's a cliche!

- Put the hood up! - Okay, alright.

Alright, good. What?

I've changed my mind. I can't do it. I can't do it.

Are you crazy? You can't change your mind!

I can't do it, I can't... As a psychotherapist--

- Go do it! - G-give me your bag!

I'm mugging you! I'm mugging you!

I got it! I got it!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God! Oh! Oh!

- Now run! You'd better run! - Thank you.

Oh, my--

- Here you are. - Thank you.

That was amazing. You came out of nowhere.

- I didn't even see you! - Are you okay?

Yeah, we're... we're okay.

Do, do what you have to do.

H-how did you, how did you do that?

I-I never even saw you.

Well, what was I gonna do, I saw... I saw that

and I-I, I had to do something.

I can't believe what I just witnessed.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Well, you're welcome.

You take good care of yourself.

- Thank you. I'm a lil' shaken. - Okay.

Shake it off. Go get yourself a drink or something.

- Yeah. - Okay.

Wait, I... I never even asked your name.

It's, um...

...Larry. Larry David.

Larry David?

Very funny. That's it, spread your legs.

That was amazing, I mean

the way you swept in and took control.

T-that didn't seem real.

It was real. I can tell you that.

I'm still a little shaky, I guess.

- That guy-- - It's to be expected.

- My God. Horrible. - That strange, horrible man.

But you were just like Clint Eastwood.

I mean, you just swept in there and...

I have never seen anything that brave.

Ah, please, really.

I didn't even think twice about it.

The only thing I did think about for a second

was my glasses, but that's it.

Only the safety of my glasses.

'Cause these are irreplaceable.

What do you do, may I ask?

Oh, I'm a therapist.

- You're a therapist? Oh! - Yes.

Boy, I could really use a therapist myself.

Um, my wife left me after a long time and...

I-I'm not gonna bother you with all this, you know.

That's alright. Please.

Well, my wife left the house recently

and, you know, it's been quite devas...

It's been quite devastating for me, but, um, anyway...

- I'm sorry. - That's okay.

But I, you know, I feel like she never really

had any idea who I was.

All this time, all these years, I-I really hid the real me

th-th-the me who... s-saves people.

And, you know, I have been doing that most of my life.

You know, I gave a kidney to my friend...

- Oh, I didn't know that. - Why would you?

No, I wouldn't, I just...

Alright, well, I gotta go.

You are such a good person.

Do you know that?

- Am I? - Oh!

Yes.

Okay.

So great to have met you.

- Yes. - I'd better get going.

- You take care of yourself. - Well, thanks again.

So long.

Good-bye... Larry David.

- Oh, oh! - Hey.

How ya doin'?

- Well, I mean, I'm in prison. - Yeah. Jesus.

I spent the night in a cell that's s-smaller

than my... closet.

Oh, man, oh, man. I'm so sorry.

My feet stick out through the fucking bars.

- Your feet stick out? - Yeah, my feet stick out, yeah.

- You're not even that tall. - I know. I know.

I'm not even that tall, and my fucking feet stick out.

- How tall are you? - Five foot ten, and...

- You're 5'10"? You're 5'10"? - Yeah. Yeah, 5'10".

Stand up. Let me see. You're not 5'10".

I'm-I'm 5'10", I am, I mean... Well, a hairsbreadth under.

You're cheating a little bit. I don't think you're 5'10".

In a heel, I'm, I am... That's not the point.

The point is I'm sharing a room with a-a-a 300-pound

fucking guy with a hairy back.

Sometimes you make friends in a situation like this.

They become your friend for life.

He doesn't speak English.

Okay, alright.

Oh... good news!

After you were taken away...

...the therapist and I went to have coffee.

Whew, the plan worked fantastic.

I'm pretty optimistic. And you know what?

Thank you, 'cause you were, you were there at its inception.

You pushed it through.

I'm very happy for you

but it's not top of the list of my priorities right now.

We're gonna get you outta here. Don't worry about it.

We're gonna get you outta here.

Okay, good. Do we have a time frame?

- Can you give me a time frame? - 24 hours.

- Okay, I think I can, um-- - 48 at the most.

- What's after 48? 72? - 72, yeah.

58, 68... Right, 72, and then...

Don't-don't-don't say "and then..."

What do you mean, 72, t-t-that's beyond what--

- 96? - What could've happened...

Please, let's aim for 24.

You got a deck of cards? Can you play solitaire or anything?

- W-What can you do here? - I don't have a deck of cards.

But yes, I do know how to play solitaire.

Damn it! It's always good to have a deck of cards.

- No matter where you are. - What are you talking about?

Just get me out of fucking prison.

Stop talking about cards.

Just get me out of fucking prison, please.

I'm sorry, we... we're gonna have to stop.

W-we have more time.

Cheryl's getting out of her therapy appointment

and I really need to talk to her.

I've not spoken to anyone normal in 24 hours

and I-I... Yes, I'm scared.

We have to stop.

- Hello? - Oh, hi, Cheryl.

How'd your session go today?

Larry I've spoken to my therapist

and she told me I shouldn't ever be speaking to you again.

- She said that? - Yeah.

I-I'm sorry, Larry, really.

- Are you kidding? - I should go.

I should go. Good-bye, Larry.

Hey, Cheryl!

Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.

- Hey. What? - You're not gonna believe this.

Cheryl called me up, told me that her therapist urged her

urged her never to see me again.

That makes no sense whatsoever.

- Oh, my God. - Huh?

- What? - She likes me.

Her therapist likes me.

That's why she told Cheryl not to see me.

She wants me for herself!

- Oh, my God! - Huh?

- Oh, my God! - What am I going to do?

If I reject her, she'll say bad things about me to Cheryl.

And if I'm nice to her, she'll think I'm interested.

Oh, you are screwed.

I gotta get out of this. What am I gonna do?

I think you're fucked. That's what I think.

- Tommy! - Is that Funkhouser?

- Yeah. - Wh-what is he doing here?

He's supposed to be walking. He's havin' a cup of coffee?

I'll see you later.

- Hey. - LD, how you doing, pal?

- Where's your shirt? - What're you doing?

- You're supposed to be walking. - I raised money. I don't walk.

You didn't tell me you were sitting.

I wouldn't have given you money in the fist place.

I didn't say I was walking.

Well, the walking's implied, is it not?

No, I said, "Sponsor me for the Walkathon."

Okay, Walkathon, walk.

Why do you want me to walk?

You took money under false pretenses.

So you don't care about Alzheimer's?

Alzheimer's?

You were diagnosed with... Alzheimer's?

Yeah, and you're the first person I've told.

I haven't told anybody.

You're the only one who knows.

So this is just t-the very earliest onset?

I mean, it's not early, I'm sort of...

...halfway between early and middle. What's that called?

I don't know if there's a term for that.

Maybe I have a quarter...

I have to confess something.

After we met and connected

I was hoping that, you know

maybe there was some kind of future.

In three to five years, I'll be a, uh...

...vegetable.

Listen, you helped me the other day

and I want to help you.

I forgot your name.

You must go back with your wife.

Hearing this news, y-you must go back with your wife.

Yes, I know, but what can you do?

Well... you never know.

Let's order. I'm getting hungry.

- We did order. - We did?

Yeah, you had the chicken salad.

- I ordered chicken salad? - Yeah, do you not like--

I don't even like chicken salad.

- Oh, my God. - God damn it!

- No, no, no, we'll switch. - Excuse me, Dr. Slavin?

- Oh, yes. - Yeah, I'm Detective Kennan.

LAPD uh, I talked to your assistant.

She told me I could find you here with Mr. David.

I have some questions about, uh, your purse-snatching.

Now I understand you didn't get a look at the guy

but that you did. We actually have the guy already.

I just want some basic information so we can keep him.

So, what did he look like?

I... I don't remember.

Aw, jeez.

There he is! There's my guy.

Hey ya, Bright. Hey ya, Bright boy.

- Huh? - Eh...

- How's it going? - Uh, it's not too good.

What's the matter? You seem a little down.

Uh, I don't know what I'm gonna do with my life.

- Huh, really? - Yeah.

Oh, hey, get this.

Going out with Cheryl tonight.

- Got a date with Cheryl. - Good.

It's fantastic. I'm so thrilled. Come on.

I'm pretty excited, Bright.

I-I think it's gonna work out.

You did it, that was...

- Here you go, big winner. - Hey!

- That is so sweet. Thank you. - Let's go on the Ferris wheel.

Okay.

It's the most bizarre experience of my life

and I just need someone to speak to about it

because I can't work and I can't sleep.

And you come highly recommended.

Why don't you start from the beginning?

Um, well, one of my clients is this bald guy.

Um...

I want you to move back in with me.

You have till Monday to decide.

Okay.

- Really? - Okay. Yeah.

- I love you, Larry. - I love you.

- Hello? Hi, Dr. Slavin. - Ah.