Original subtitles

[Larry] Auntie Rae, Auntie Rae?

- You need something? - I want you to come with me.

- I want to show you something. - Oh.

Alright then. What is it?

Eh, don't worry. Just come with me.

You know, you said how much you love gardening

and how you wish you could garden here

so I cleared this little area for you.

- And... there you go. - Larry.

You did this for me?

- I did it for you! - Oh, Larry!

- Huh? - Oh-ho! Larry!

Grow some lettuce, Auntie Rae. Grow some lettuce!

You don't know how much I appreciate this.

You've been so good to us, Larry

my family. I really appreciate it.

I really appreciate it, Larry!

Thank you, Larry. I--

Larry, you're disgusting.

Ah!

Agh! Auntie Rae!

[Larry] She called me disgusting.

Oh, my God.

- What were you thinking? - And she ran into the house.

- Oh, my God. - How does that happen to you?

You know, she went over the appropriate amount of time

that I can have human contact without getting aroused.

I only have five seconds.

After that, it's out of my control.

Not me. I've got discipline down there.

I have a very discerning penis.

- No... - Very discerning.

- My penis is an animal. - Really, just out of control?

- It's a feral tiger, yeah. - It's wild.

Oh, so how'd your... How'd the appointment go?

- With the doctor? - Great.

He's gonna snip-snip, and, uh

I will no longer be snoring.

- Really? - Going in on Thursday morning.

- Fantastic. - Unbelievable!

- Fantastic. - My dog howls...

From my snoring. I wake up my dog.

My dog starts howling. I'm out of control.

- This'll be good. - This'll be great.

- It's about time. - It is about time.

- Yeah. - It's about time.

Hey, guess what else?

I think Ben Stiller's gonna come with me as a client.

- Are you kidding? - No!

- Have you met with him? - No.

I'm meeting with him this week.

If you could sign him...

I think it's a slam-dunk. I think, done deal.

It's gonna bring you in so much income.

- Huge income, I know. - My God.

- That's amazing. - Hello.

- Hi. - I know you couldn't decide...

Between the slaw and the soup, so I brought you both.

Wow, thank you so very much.

And here's your sandwich.

Can I get you something to drink?

You know what I'd love? I'd love an Arnold Palmer.

- Okay, I'll be right back. - Thank you.

Excuse me? Can I give you a drink order?

- Sure. - I'll just have an iced tea.

- An iced tea. Okay. - Yeah.

- Arnold Palmer... of course. - Thanks again.

Thank you. Man, she's nice.

Yeah. Nice to people with hair, she's nice.

- What are you talking about? - What am I talking about?

Yeah, what are you talking about?

Bald people get discriminated against constantly.

And you just saw a perfect example of it.

Oh, it's because you're bald.

Yeah, ask any bald person. Ask, go ahead.

You still have issues with being bald.

You know, if I were bald, if I woke up tomorrow

and I found myself bald, I'd be so cool with it.

It'd be no big deal. It's all natural.

Yeah, right, that's what everybody says.

- Whatever. - Hey...

They have a pharmacy here, right?

Yeah.

I gotta get a prescription filled.

I'm gonna go now, drop it off

then I'll pick it up when I'm done.

Beautiful.

- Hi. - Oh, hi there.

Ah, let's take a look here.

Can I get that in the next half hour?

Sure. Yeah, we can do that.

Great, thank you.

- That's odd. - What?

I could have sworn when I left

I had about twice as many French fries

as there are now.

You wouldn't know anything about this would you?

- No idea. No idea. - Huh?

- No idea? - No.

- No idea? - I told you I had no idea!

What's the big deal? Just eat.

Maybe somebody could shed some light on this for us.

Excuse me. Hi, I'm sorry to bother you.

It's alright.

I'm wondering if you noticed anything unusual

going on at this table after I left?

Well, I, I really couldn't say.

I don't want to impinge on a friendship.

Impinge away. Go ahead and impinge.

I took one. Shoot me. One.

Two of them might have been stuck together.

- Mm-mm-mm. - Thank you.

- Are you a doctor? - Yes, Dr. Flomm.

- I'm an orthopedist. - Really? An orthopedist?

- Mm-hmm. - Hi my name's Larry.

Hi, Larry. I'm-I'm Sheila.

Nice to meet you. So you work in the building?

[Leon] God damn, Larry. What the fuck, man?

You hug my auntie, man, you stab her in the stomach?

- Oh, well... - What the fuck was that?

She hugged me and she held that hug for over five seconds.

What the fuck?

I have no control after five seconds.

So you got a five-second rule?

Not a rule, it's an approximate amount of time

that it's gonna take for something to happen.

What the fuck, I mean, what the fuck? Loretta!

- Oh, I'm sorry. - LD?

- What? - You have lost your damn mind.

- No, I... - Auntie Rae?

I can't control it. I have no control over it.

It's not my fault.

Just like that, you got turned on?

Not just like that. That's a long time, five seconds.

He got a five-second rule. One, two, three,

four, five... boing, it come out.

Where's your "Mississippi?"

- You gotta put Mississippi in. - Mississippi?

That's how you count.

"One-Mississippi, two-Mississippi

"three-Mississippi, four-Mississippi

five-Mississippi."

- That's way too long. - Way too long.

- You're stretching it out for-- - I'm not stretching it out.

I shortened it.

I'm just sayin', it's been a long time

since my uncle passed away, man.

And you all over her like that.

You stab her in the fuckin' stomach like that, man.

Believe me, it's not gonna happen again.

You better make sure it don't happen again, because we can go.

- We can go, man. - We can go. We can go anywhere.

Where you gonna go? Where you gonna go?

Anywhere. We can get the hell out of here, I know that.

- We got places to go. - You know, it's just...

I'm so starved for affection, I guess that, you know...

- Any kind of contact... - Talk to your man.

- You got one more chance, LD. - I just met a doctor, actually.

I'm gonna go call her for a date right now.

- She's very attractive. - Handle your business.

- Very good. - But no...

- No more hugging, don't worry. - Oh please, please don't.

Call that goddamn doctor, get a diagnosis

and-and-and-and go stab somebody else, man.

And what happens when you, when you turn your palm?

- Yeah, it hurts. - Worse, okay.

Just a moment, please.

- Hello, Dr. Flomm. - Oh, Dr. Flomm.

Uh, this Larry David calling.

Oh hi, Larry. How are you?

Good, I met you earlier in the cafeteria.

Yes, yes, I remember.

Would you like to make an appointment?

Uh, no, actually.

I'm calling for, um, a date.

Oh I see. Well, I'm with a patient right now.

Oh, jeez, I'm so sorry.

Okay, is-is tonight good for you?

Actually I'm all booked up tonight

but I am available tomorrow between 5:00 and 6:00

or any time after 8:30.

- Okay, I'll take the 8:30. - Terrific. Just...

Speak to my receptionist to get the pertinent details.

- I'll call your receptionist. - Alright, if you need to...

...cancel or in case of any emergency, just page me.

Okay. Okay, will do.

Good, and I recommend being five minutes early.

Okay, I'll see you tomorrow.

Alright, Larry, thank you.

Okay.

Hi.

- Is... Sheila here? - Yeah.

Come on in. I'm her sister.

- Oh, hi. - You must be Larry.

- Yeah. - Just come on in, have a seat.

- Make yourself at home. - Oh, thanks.

She'll be right down.

You have nothing to worry about, it'll be fine.

- Thanks, Sheila. - Oh hi, Larry.

- Hi, hi. - This is my brother Joe.

- Larry David. - Hi, Joe.

- Nice to meet you. - And I suppose...

You met Trish, my sister.

- Yes, yeah. - Wow.

- Huh? - You look great.

It took me about two hours to get ready.

Your brother and sister, they're staying with you?

Yeah, they're gonna be with me just a couple months. So...

You know, I've got people in my house too.

- You're kidding. - No.

You know, it's great and then

sometimes it's not so great.

Well, I took in a homeless family...

- You what? - From-from-from the hurricane.

- You're kidding. - No.

Anyway, their, their name is "Black."

- Uh-huh. - A-and they're actually black.

- Well, that makes it easy. - Exactly, yeah.

- Yeah. Can I move on? - Absolutely.

Huh? Alright, I got a groin issue.

- Oh, okay. - I-I pulled it.

- Did you ice it right away? - No.

Okay, so put a little bit of heat...

- On the groin... - Heat on the groin.

- And then I'd massage it. - You want me to massage it?

- Oh absolutely. - Really?

You never want to massage with muscle.

You always want to massage laterally.

Lateral, okay.

For instance, this is your groin.

Just, you just massage across.

Watch out, my testicle's right over there.

[Flomm] Larry?

Why don't we move this to my bedroom?

Sure.

Go upstairs, take off your clothes

and I'll be in to see you in a few minutes.

Okay.

Larry?

- Hey. - Hi.

Uh, listen, I-I am so sorry.

I-I hate to tell you this

but my brother and sister just came back.

They weren't supposed to be here.

And my brother got food poisoning

so they came back early

and I, I'm really sorry.

- Well what are you gonna do? - So...

- It happens. - We need to reschedule.

Um, Why don't you get dressed and I'll meet you in the foyer?

I'm telling you, Jeffrey

there's nothing like dating a doctor.

W-we talked for 45 minutes about my groin injury.

No. No, she just wants me to massage it.

It's killing me too.

Um, so listen, I'm gonna see you later.

I'm gonna stop by before your operation.

Okay, man.

Okay, take care.

Oh! Auntie Rae!

- You know what? - What?

Last night, I know we talked about this. I just...

- This thing, you know. - Oh, that thing.

And believe me, I respect your medical judgment.

- Mm-hmm? - I think it's cancer.

It's not cancer.

Huh? I've never had cancer before but I'm imagining

this is how it feels like.

How would you know what canc-- No, no, it's not.

I'm gonna, uh

head to the men's room.

I... Okay, that's fine.

I just... I'm a little shy about this

and I just have... I just wrote you a little something.

I think it might make you feel better.

- What? - Yeah.

Ah. A note.

- Oh, my God. - You're embarrassing me.

Just-just go to the bathroom.

- Oh, excuse me? - Yeah?

- Can you do me a favor? - Sure.

A doctor wrote me this note.

I can't make out a word of it.

You know the way they write. They have terrible penmanship.

- Look at this. - "Libby..."

No, no, Larry. That's me.

"Something...

- Something "socks." - "Socks?"

That's an "S?" I thought that was a "T."

- Tox? - Truck?

Truck. Do you have a truck?

- No, I don't have a truck. - It's gotta be truck... Oh.

- Alright, whatever, okay. - I'm sorry.

- Alright, thank you. - Yeah.

Thank you. This...

Yeah, I'm at the hospital.

Yeah, I fucked my wrist or something.

Yeah, I was moving a futon.

And I had to take the top

because of this 300-pound nigger.

Yeah, exactly.

I'm at the fuckin' top, and halfway through

this nigger drops his side.

So, now my wrist is fucked.

Oh, my God.

You can't believe what I just overheard in the bathroom.

What an unbelievable jerk.

This guy is on his cell phone, he's talking to his friend.

And he's upset and he's complaining

you know, he had to move some furniture.

And he says to his friend

"I hurt my hand because I had to take the top

because of this 300-poind nigger who was..."

What did you say?

- What did you just say? - Oh...

What did you just fix your mouth to say?

You just used the most vile word

in the English language. How dare you?

- No, I was-- - How dare... In front of me?

You are despicable! I can't stand people like you.

- I didn't-- - You bald son of a bitch.

I have to face this kind of wretched foolishness.

This is ridiculous.

I swear to God! I can't stand people like--

Bald?

I wonder what's keeping Dr. Page?

Why hasn't this patient been prepped?

He is prepped, sir.

Excuse me, nurse.

- Clippers! - Sir, clippers are not--

Do I have to do everything myself?

I know what I'm doing here. Clippers, please.

Thank you.

[Jeff] Oh, my God! No no!

- What? - Oh, my God!

Look at me!

What the hell happened to you?

- What happened? - What happened, nurse?

Dr. Page accidentally shaved Mr. Greene's head--

- Shaved my head? - Wait a minute.

- Accidentally? - Did he operate on my head?

No, the procedure was canceled.

The operation is going to be rescheduled.

- So he didn't have the surgery? - No.

Oh you look horrible. Jeff!

Nurse, would you please excuse us?

- Doctor, what happened? - What the hell happened?

- Look at him! - What happened?

Mr. and Mrs. Greene, I'm so sorry.

I was coming to see you in the operating room

and I had just been victimized

by a terrible incident in the cafeteria.

And so I came to the operating room

and I was so angered and I was upset and I was confused

and I mistakenly shaved your head.

- For which I'm so sorry. - "Mistake" is correct.

- You took it out on his head? - It was a terrible mistake.

Well, I can explain. I'm leaving the cafeteria

and I'm walking past a table

and this horrible man uses the most vile word

in the English language to refer to a black person.

And I went into a blind rage.

And I left there and I went to the operating room

and I made this terrible mistake, for which I'm so sorry.

Do you know who this man was?

I have no idea who he was.

He was just a despicable bald man.

- Bald? - Yes.

Did he, by any chance, wear glasses?

Yes.

As a matter of fact, he was wearing glasses.

And it was awful. It was just absolutely awful.

"S..."

"Sitter?" "Sitting?"

Look at him!

- Look at him! - What the fuck?

- I'm bald! - You like this look?

He had a beautiful full head of hair...

A mane that I loved, and now he looks like you!

- Look at me! - What happened?

- How did that happen? - You did it!

- I did it? - You did it! Yes!

- What are you talking about? - You traumatized the doctor!

- What? - He described you.

He said, "bald, glasses."

You said some racial slur and you traumatized the doctor.

- And he came in all flummoxed... - What did you do?

And shaved his fucking head!

There's nothing wrong with being bald!

- Sure there is! - Yes, there is, Larry!

- Sure there is! - Look at you!

You said you wouldn't care if you were bald!

Yeah, in 40 years! Not fucking today!

Because he knew it was never gonna happen!

Not overnight!

Yours is gonna grow back. Mine isn't!

That's right. You know what? Curse on you!

Mine's gonna grow back. Yours isn't! You deserve it!

What did you say to that doctor?

Alright, here's what happened, okay?

Here's what happened. I was in the cafeteria.

I was having lunch with Dr. Flomm.

Okay? What... You know, it was pretty...

By the way, can you interpret this-this note?

Oh, nobody gives a shit about your note!

- What are you doing? - Huh?

Okay, so I went to the men's room.

I'm in the stall. There's this guy

an unbelievable asshole.

He's talking on his cell phone to his friend.

He's very upset because they had to move some furniture.

And he says to his friend, "I hurt my hand

because this 300-pound nigger is--"

- What'd you say? - What?

- What did you just say? - Oh, no, no, I--

Did I just hear the word "nigger" come out your mouth?

- No, but I was-- - Did you say "nigger?"

- Leon! - What?

- Leon! - Oh, no, no, don't--

Leon, get your ass out here. Larry just said "nigger."

- Get the fuck out of here! - Larry just said "nigger"!

How you gonna say "nigger," man?

No, no!

Is that how you feel about us?

That we a bunch of niggers up in here?

I was quoting somebody.

Let's get out of here! I wanna go!

What is all this fussing and cussing going on up in here?

Larry D. done called us a nigger.

- Nigger? - Nigger!

- No, let me explain! - You lost your damn mind now!

First, you're gonna be rubbing all up against me

then whacking off in the damn car!

- Now you call us-- - I was massaging! Massaging!

I'll come down there to whip your poor ass!

- You done fucked up, Larry! - I'll tell you one damn thing--

We ain't gonna put up with that.

LD, I told you, you had one last chance.

- One. - This the last straw.

- We out this bitch. - That's it.

- We out this bitch! - Out.

- Where you gonna go? - We don't know.

But we gonna get the hell out of here.

- You could stay with us. - Thank you, baby.

That's what I'm talking about. We appreciate that.

- Thank you! - Fuck you, Larry.

With your monkey ass!

Daryl! Keysha! We gettin' the hell outta here.

- You're damn straight. - Get the hell outta here.

- Where the kids at? - Like how you do what you do.

It's a sexy ass, Susie.

Fuck you, Larry! Peace!

Well, look, I-I think that

you're limiting yourself by just doing comedies.

- Right. - You can do it in your sleep.

Let's show people more.

Why can't you win an Academy Award?

The studios, they'll do anything you want to do.

We just gotta push 'em in the right direction, man.

- Yeah. - That's it.

Look, I didn't just fall off the melon truck.

- Melon truck? - You sign with me.

I will fight that fight to get you those roles

to develop those projects with you. That's what I do.

You know, you need to be doing things...

...that are more independent

smaller in scale

as well as the big-scale stuff.

That's gonna fall in your lap. I'll do the work.

You won't notice anything different

except for the fact that you're collecting awards.

Okay?

What?

Stiller said no.

- What? - Doesn't want to work with me.

- Are you kidding? - Doesn't feel it's right.

- He called you? - Yeah.

Said "it doesn't feel right."

- "Doesn't feel right?" - Doesn't feel right.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

You know what doesn't feel right about it?

You're bald.

You think that's the reason why?

- Yeah. - I'm not sure.

He doesn't want a bald man to be representing him!

Hey! You know what? I know exactly what I want.

- I'm gonna get-- - I'm a little busy today.

I'll come back in a little bit.

- Okay? - That's weird.

- Weird? - Yeah.

That's the way it works, my friend.

Welcome to my world.

- This sucks. - You know what?

This fucking sucks.

That cost you millions of dollars today.

- What happened. - Millions of dollars.

Millions of dollars.

The hospital wants to meet with me.

They want to talk and, and go over my bill.

"Go over my bill."

I'm gonna sue these motherfuckers.

That's it! That's fucking it!

Right good for you.

This blows. How do you deal with it?

You know, you just get used to it.

And I get support from my bald brothers.

- There's, like, meetings? - There's no meetings.

But we see each other on the street, we nod.

- We'll give a thumbs up. - Yeah.

You know what? We love each other.

Me and my bald brothers.

Still obsessed with that note, huh?

I-I've asked 10 people.

Excuse me, could you do me a favor? I can't read this.

Could you make out any of that handwriting?

- This from a doctor? - Yeah.

Take it to a pharmacist.

- What a great idea. - Yeah.

They're the only ones who can make out a doctor's handwriting.

Yeah, go!

- Oh, hi. Larry David. - Hi.

I dropped off a prescription the other day.

- Ah, yes, yes, here we go. - Yeah.

Actually, I want to talk to you about something else too.

I'm going out with a doctor

and she wrote me this note...

- And I cannot... - And you can't read it.

I can't read it! It's unbelievable.

- Nobody can! - Yes.

So, somebody suggested a pharmacist

'cause nobody can decipher this thing.

Let me, let me take a shot.

You're my only hope.

"Larry, had a great time last night.

"Would love to get together Friday night

at the Bel-Air Regency Hotel..."

- What? - "Just the two of us."

"Um, so tired of all these

"brothers and sisters around.

"I know you feel the same way.

"Tell me your life wouldn't be better

without the Blacks."

Huh?

Oh, okay uh... No, no no, no, no.

It's your business.

- You're misinterpreting it. - Here's your prescription.

- No, see I've got-- - Take your prescription.

- Thank you. - I've got people in my house.

There's...

They're black, but their name is Black!

She's got...

...her brothers and sisters.

[Flomm] It's open. Come on in.

Hi. You have got the worst handwriting...

- Ha-ha-ha! - Are you out of your mind?

- No? You couldn't read it? - You expect anybody to...

Couldn't read it? I gave it to 10,000...

A pharmacist, a pharmacist wound up...

- I'm so sorry. - Translating that for me.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Mm.

[Larry] Thanks for driving me home.

Really, I-I couldn't drive.

I just don't, I don't feel like, you know

I feel nauseous and like I'm drugged or something.

And as far as what happened earlier

I'm mean, you know, usually like, five-Mississippi.

Honest to God, five-Mississippi--

That's all I need.

Why don't you just go?

Well... good night.

Ugh!

Ugh!

[Leon] Ahhh! Somebody go in there and put a sock

in that motherfucker's mouth!

One second!

Hey, LD.

- What's going on? - Come on in, it's cold.

- You're back? - Yeah. Couldn't sleep.

Jeff's snore? Man, I'm telling you, that was awful.

Worse than the damn hurricane.

I know, it's terrible.

Kids need to sleep here. Y'all go on up to bed.

- Good night, Larry. - Good night.

- Good night, mom. - Good night, y'all.

Talk to your boy, man.

Shit, that motherfucker swallowed a kazoo.

Ridiculous. All fucking night!

Come on!

It's safe. It's safe.

One-Mississippi, two-Mississippi

three-Mississippi...

My own daughter locks herself in her room

won't come out whenever I'm home.

My wife, one of the most warm, loving people

you could ever meet has turned into a witch.

A witch! 'Cause I'm bald. It's changed everything.

Ben Stiller won't work with me

because I'm bald! I mean, come on.

Do you know how many millions I'm losing because of that?

Millions I'm losing!

Alright, I don't know what else to say.

- Thank you. - Alright, Mr. Greene.

I understand now we're going to hear from Mr. Larry David

who will testify on Mr. Greene's behalf.

Mr. David? Thank you for being here.

- You're welcome. - Mr. David.

As you know, we are looking into

allegations of physician misconduct

stemming from the incident on the 17th of this month.

Would you please tell the board what happened?

I was having lunch in the cafeteria

and I excused myself to go to the bathroom.

You know, it's, it's a thing we all do.

It's not a crime, right?

Don't have to be embarrassed.

No need for embarrassment. Go ahead.

Anyway, I went into the stall. Uh...

Generally, when I, when I use a public toilet

I'll-I'll go into the stall as opposed to the urinals.

I find there's, you know, there's no privacy.

And if there's no dividers, it's kind of like going in a trough.

Alright, alright. Go ahead, please.

Anyway, so I went into the stall

I guess it's kind of a habit now

for me to go into the stall, in a way.

Um, if it's open, if it's available

I'll-I'll generally take the stall.

Of course, what you find in there is

you know is anybody's guess.

Anyway, so I'm in the stall

and, um, I overhear this guy talking on his cell phone.

And he's talking to a friend of his, and he's getting very upset

'cause he had to move some furniture

and he hurt his hand. And he-and he's saying

"And then I hurt my hand 'cause this 300-pound--"

Sorry I'm late.

Please continue, Mr. David.

Go ahead, sir. Please continue.

Mr. David, is there a problem?

Please, tell us what the man on the cell phone said.

Mr. David, tell us what the man said!

Just say it!

You are wasting this committee's time.

Larry, tell 'em.

Please tell us what the man said.

- Say it! - Tell 'em! Will you tell them?

- Just say it! - Larry, just tell 'em!

- Tell us what the man said! - Will you tell them, please?

- Just do it, Larry! - Tell us now, Mr. David!

- Just say it! - Larry, tell 'em!