Original subtitles

What is-What is that?

I don't know.

What is that, a cell phone?

Mm.

God.

- What the hell is that? - I don't know.

Oh, it's the smoke alarm. The smoke alarm's going off.

It's the stupid batteries. Come on, we got to find it.

No, it's not that one.

It's not that one.

No. Try the guest room.

I think it's downstairs.

Agh!

[Larry] I don't think I have any feelings

in my shoulders, I swear to God.

- It does take it's toll, man. - Take it's toll--

- You did very well, by the way. - You don't have to condescend.

No, seriously, for a guy who doesn't play,

I-I thought he did very well. You did.

You never play. What do you want from yourself?

- Give yourself a break. - One thing I'll tell you--

After you hit the ball six, seven times and it's not

in the hole, just pick it up, and we'll move on.

You shouldn't take more than seven strokes.

Yeah, that's just craziness.

- Just pick up the ball. - He's right, yeah.

Well, you'll never have to experience me again.

Oh, no, we had fun. Didn't you have fun with us, hanging out?

It was a little boring, to be honest with you.

That's a nice thing to say.

Well, it fucking was.

Okay, give me back my $150

that I spent on your guest fee.

You paid $150 for me to look like a fucking asshole?

We want to spend time with you.

More shocking footage from Hurricane Edna

which has left extensive destruction in it's wake.

The storm surge inundated low-lying areas

knocking out phone and power lines.

You know, that's from global warming, that hurricane.

33 deaths have been reported

and thousands left homeless.

Look at that, thousands of homeless people now.

FEMA is estimating damage from this

category-5 hurricane

in the billions of dollars.

Oh, wow. It's Katrina all over again. Poor people.

Did you go to Funkhouser's party last night?

[Jeff] No. Did you?

- No. Uh-uh. - Why?

Because I'm going to Danson's party tonight.

It's two back to back. You know...

I-I don't want to go to two parties back to back.

It was a stupid night for him to have a party.

- Yeah. - Did you call him?

No.

- Well, what are you gonna say? - I'll tell him Sammi was sick.

You're gonna use your child to get out of a party?

Why not? It's the best thing in the world.

It's a perfect excuse. No one can argue with that.

- Who argues with that? - I wish I had that.

It's a great reason to have kids.

It's a great reason to have kids.

It's one of the bonuses, yep.

Yeah, what am I gonna do? What am I gonna say?

- You got nothing. Nothing. - I know.

I should show up tonight and pretend I had the wrong night.

- That's stupid. - That's great.

- Oh, please. - No, that's-that's fantastic.

- I love that. - Yeah.

Ding-dong "whe-wher-where's the party?"

- Isn't that a good idea? - That's a great idea.

He's not gonna buy that. That's such bul-obvious bullshit.

No, it isn't. Nobody would go out of their way that much

to show up at somebody's house

pretend they had the wrong night.

He's got to be a mental case to believe it.

That's fantastic.

Hey, this is Richard looking in the mirror, you seen him looking

in the mirror?

Is that really what I do?

- You happy now? - Yeah.

Alright, I'll see you at Danson's?

- Yeah. - Okay.

Thanks for turning me off to a sport forever.

[Larry] It's okay. Are-Are you gonna go tonight?

Uh, I don't know. I have to ask Cha Cha.

I'll see.

- Cha Cha. Oh. - Cha Cha.

Where did he get her from? Man, oh, man.

- She is so hot. - Good for him.

- Good for him. - Yeah, good for him.

Let him enjoy.

- She's something. Alright. - Yeah. Wow.

- Alright, my friend. - See you at Danson's.

I'll see you at Danson's.

Okay. What are you gonna wear?

I'm gonna dress like a little Dutch girl.

[Jeff] What am I wearing?

I can't stop thinking about the hurricane.

Oh, my nose is really itching me

and you can't scratch it.

I mean, the-the-the pictures on TV were just...

You can't even imagine that people survived it.

I know. It's awful. Awful.

I was watching it today.

All these people, they have no place to go right now.

Hey! Hey, dum-dum, go ahead.

Move in. Thank you.

I mean, their houses were completely destroyed.

You know what my father used to call those people?

Schmohawks. Did I ever tell you that? Huh?

Have I mentioned Schmohawks to you?

- Yeah. - Schmohawk. "Hey, Schmohawk!"

Imagine for one second if we lost...

If you-if you lost every single thing you had in your life.

What do I have? I don't know. What's so--

- What do I have? - This is--Well, there--

I like this sport jacket. I can't replace this one.

You know what some people are doing

that I-I personally think is a really great idea

is they're bringing in displaced families.

- Hmm. - You know...

I've been doing a little research

and we could actually have a family here tomorrow.

- What? - Yeah.

- Tomorrow? - They have no place to go.

I-I-I would need, you know, a couple of months

to mentally prepare for that. Tomorrow?

We don't have a couple of months.

These people need help right now.

It's a nice concept.

Uh, you know, w-w-we'll think about it.

We don't need to jump into this thing right now.

Imagine how they would feel

to come here and live in our house.

Mm. Oh, alright, we're here. We're at Funkhouser's.

Why aren't we just going to Ted and Mary's, Larry?

This is so stupid. This is so stupid.

What? Are you kidding? There's nothing to it.

We just pretend we had the wrong night.

This way he feels good that at least we attempted

to go to his party.

Can't we just go to Ted and Mary's?

We're gonna go to Ted and Mary's after we do this.

It won't take long. It's two minutes.

Hey.

Hey, Marty.

What happened to you guys?

Where-Where is everybody?

You mean from the party?

Oh, they've been gone for about 24 hours.

- The party was last night. - Last night?

Great party. Oh, yeah, we had a lot of fun.

- Are you kidding? - We never heard from you.

- Oh, my gosh. - The party was last night.

Yeah, we sent you an invitation, you know?

Oh, my God, that is unbelievable!

- I guess we mixed up the dates. - We missed the party?

- Totally missed it. - How did that happen?

Oh, it was a great party.

This may be the dumbest thing I've ever done

in my life. Well, we've ever done.

You guys thought the party was tonight?

Yeah, obviously.

Everyone else was here.

You know what? I swear I had a feeling.

I really had a feeling. Anyway...

It's so good to see you.

- Tell Nan I'll call her. - Yeah, we're gonna get--

No, look, look, look, look, look, you're here.

- Come on in. Come on. - What? Get out of here.

We don't want to impose on you.

No, you're not imposing.

You're tired from last night.

You were up late with your party. Get out.

- Are you nuts? - Yeah, we wouldn't dream of it.

Guys, we got some food left over

got some games to play. Come on in.

- No, but it's crazy. - Hold it, hold it, hold it.

You have no plans, you're supposed to be here

and you're here. So, come on in.

Come on, Cheryl.

Come on.

Come on in.

Come on in.

Come on.

- Come on, Larr. - Yeah.

- Come on, Larry. - Come on, Larry.

[Danson] Well, I'll tell you this, you missed a great party.

[Larry] I'm sure, yeah.

- It was a lot of fun. - Oh.

Mm-hm, mm-hm. I'm sorry we missed it--

Yeah, well, we didn't want to miss it.

No, but you know what?

Let me tell you what we did.

We had an hour and a half

of the greatest improv karaoke singing

you've ever heard in your life.

We're sorry we missed it. And you know what?

We shouldn't be here right now.

We really should go.

No, no no, no, no. I'm not heaping guilt.

- I think we're gonna get going. - No, no, don't go anywhere.

- No, no, no, sit down. - No, no, no, we're going.

- Please, oh, stop it! - Sit down!

Come on, sit down.

I'm okay with it. And stop feeling bad.

We're here now.

You know what game I love that we didn't play last night?

Its... And we play it for money.

A 1,000 Pick-Up Sticks.

I go get the sticks, I throw them all over the room...

And we pick up the sticks.

And the one with the most sticks wins the pot.

- Huh. That sounds good. - Are you expecting company?

Yeah, what is this? You got company?

[Cheryl] Now we're intruding on your company.

- Now it's really crazy. - Please relax.

I'll get rid of them.

Are you guys expecting company?

- Hi. - Hey.

- What are you doing here? - The party.

- Where is everybody? - Uh, just a little note.

The party was last night.

What do you mean the party was last night?

- The party was last night. - It's tonight.

No. Guess who else thought it was tonight?

- Who? What are the odds? - Yeah, what are the odds?

- Oh, my God, how about that? - We're just gonna go.

They had the wrong night just like us!

- That's unbelievable. - Unbelievable.

- No, no, no. - See you later.

- Come on in. - No. No, listen...

We're gonna have a little get-together tonight.

- No, no. Cheryl, we'll go. - No, no, we'll go.

- We'll all go. - Don't go anywhere.

- We'll go. - No, don't go anywhere.

Listen to me. We're gonna have a little party tonight.

- Well, not a party... - What the hell are you doing?

- What do you mean what the he-- - You stole my wrong-night bit.

I didn't steal it. I give you full credit.

It's a brilliant idea. I told Susie it was your idea.

We're never getting out of here.

Oh, we'll be out of here in five minutes.

- Five minutes? - Trust me. Five minutes.

Yeah, let me tell you something there's no way

you're making Danson's party tonight.

We are locked in here. This is it.

"Locked in." Five minutes, we're out of here.

- Watch. Five minutes. - Oh, yeah, you watch.

[Danson] So is this fun or what?

- The cake is wonderful. - The cake is incredible.

- Best cake ever? - Best cake I ever had.

Ever. And who's ever had more cake than me?

- Exactly. - He's right about that one.

- Do you love that? - What is the deal?

I've never tasted anything like that.

- Everything is handmade. - Where did you get it, Marty?

- I'm sucking on it like a mint. - At a cake shop.

- What shop? - Near the beach.

That's a new way of eating cake. Like a mint.

Wait, I need to find... Where?

26th Street Bakery, we got it.

Oh, you know Jeff, he can't stop...

Alright, well, this has been really fun.

Yeah, we got to get going. We got to get going.

- We're gonna get going. - Yeah, thank you.

- No, I've got to get going. - No, no, we got to get going.

My daughter is waiting for a puppet show.

My dad has a virus, he's in bed with fever

with the covers up to his neck.

Your dad always has a virus, okay?

Fuck you, he doesn't always have a virus. Okay.

You guys stay here, keep him company.

We have to do something for Sammi.

You stay here, then.

- You stay. - You stay.

- You stay. - Alright, okay.

- Ooh! - Hold it a minute.

You guys were supposed to be here to go to a party, right?

You had nothing going on.

Father sick, puppets.

Tomorrow you'll take your puppets over

to his father's house

and make him feel better, okay?

We're gonna have fun.

And guess what our next move is.

We're going into the living room

and we're gonna play "The Newlywed Game."

Because we played it last night

and it was spectacular.

[Nan laughs] Yes, that's great.

Oh, God, do I know my husband?

- Unbelievable. - You are good at this.

- Okay, next question. - Okay, alright.

That was great.

"If you could have sex"

"with one of your friend's wives"

"or girlfriends, who would it be?"

[Susie] Ooh.

- That's a dangerous one. - Okay.

- Alright. - Hold on, hold on.

Tell me when you're ready. I'm ready.

I think we got this.

- I'm ready. - I'm ready.

- Okay. - I'm gonna go first, okay?

Alright.

I will say, Cheryl, that you are adorable.

Thank you.

Susie, you dress great.

Yeah, well, that's my forte, Marty.

But when I really think about it,

I've got to go with my little poof er.

Look at that!

Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God. - Oh, man.

- Oh, God. - That's cute.

How about that? How about that?

- Is that great? - Go, go, I want to hear yours.

- That is great. - Hold it, hold it, hold it.

- Okay. - You're next.

Alright.

I'm gonna go with...

- Cha Cha. - Cha Cha? Wow.

Yeah, Cha Cha.

Oh, my God, I had no idea you had a thing for Cha Cha.

What are you talking about? I don't have a thing for Cha Cha.

Richard's girlfriend?

- What? Oh, stop it. - That was a dumb answer.

I mean, I had no idea that you've been

that you wanted to have sex with Cha Cha.

I don't want to have sex with her.

I'm answering the question for the game.

What was the question, Marty?

"Who do you want to have sex with?"

Who did you put down?

- Oh, get me involved now. - What?

Who were you gonna say? Who were you gonna say?

- I was gonna answer Susie. - Good answer.

Oh, God, you couldn't be more full of shit!

You are full of shit!

- And you are full of shit! - I love my wife!

Oh, yeah. Oh, you're all so good.

You love your wife. Fuck you, and fuck you, okay?

Oh, you're the one that's mad? I love it.

Come on, honey. I don't care about Cha Cha.

I was trying to win the game. You thought she was sexy.

I thought that's what you would write down.

Cheryl, come on.

I don't-- Come on, what can I do?

What can I do? I'll do anything. Come on.

Anything?

Well, you know, short of adopting

this hurricane family.

[Cheryl] I can't wait to get to the airport

and see the family. This is so exciting.

- Aren't you excited? - Mm.

We finally get to meet them. They're gonna be so happy.

The guy on the phone was saying how excited they were

when they got on the plane

'cause they'd never been to L.A. before.

I can't wait to see what they look like.

I know that sounds weird, but...

I've been talking, you know, to them...

And about them, you know...

Yeah. I just, uh...

I just want to make one, one quick stop before we go.

- Hey. - Hey.

What you guys doing?

What's-what's going on?

What do you mean?

- Where is everybody? - We thought there was a party.

Oh, my God, you thought the party was tonight?

- Yeah. - Last night.

- What? - The party was last night.

- Are you kidding me? - No, man.

- That's unbelievable. What? - I can't believe it.

- We got the wrong night? - Yeah, you did.

- Oh, shoot. Alright. - Jesus Christ. Holy cow.

I'm actually glad to hear this.

I was a little pissed off that you didn't call.

Oh, well, now you know why we didn't call.

- Hey, Mary! - Of course we didn't call.

'Cause we were coming tonight.

- Come on in. - Oh, no, no.

- We're not gonna come in. - Yeah, come in, seriously.

We got the wrong night. It's our fault. Hey, Mary.

They thought the party was tonight.

You're kidding.

Can you believe how stupid we are?

Alright, it's good to see you.

- We'll call you later. - No way you're leaving.

This is fantastic. We have so much leftover food.

You're gonna come in and help us eat it.

You know what? I'll call you tomorrow.

We'll get together. We'll do the whole--

- Why? - I'll take you out to dinner.

I'm paying. I'm paying.

Hey, Larr, you don't have any plans.

You're supposed to be here. You're here.

Come on in. Come on, Cheryl. It'll be fun.

Come on in.

- Well... - This'll be fun.

Hey, we got leftovers. We'll make you an omelet or something.

- Come on in. - Sure. Oh, yeah.

- We cant-We can't... - It'll be great. Come on.

This is like pulling teeth.

Come on in, you guys.

I don't know. Can you still see any of it?

- Not like it was. - It was a huge cyst.

It was like, when they got around to taking it out,

it turns out I could have almost broken my jaw

by, like, just chewing on ice.

It got all the way down into here.

But the dentist really undersold

the magnitude of it, I think.

'Cause you thought it would be nothing.

Ever had any operations like that?

[Larry] No, mm-mm.

- Hmm. - Hmm.

- This is nice. - Yeah.

So what's going on with you guys?

Eh, not much, not much.

- No. Nothing. - You know something?

You're behaving like you don't want to be here, Larry.

No, what?

You want to be here, don't you Larr?

Absolutely. That's crazy. Of course I want to be here.

I just feel I'm intruding, that's all.

I was raised not to intrude on people.

My mother would be horrified, horrified if she knew

that I was sitting in the living room

the night after a big party just took place. Horrified.

And-and it's bothering me.

Oh, my God. You know what?

I left-I left the car running.

- No, you didn't. - How do you know I didn't?

If you walk away from the car, it's on and you got

your car keys in your hand it goes beep, beep, beep, beep.

No, it doesn't go beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

Yeah, it does go beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, Larry.

- I have one, too. - Really?

Do you want to make a little side bet?

Yeah, I'll make you a side bet.

- How much? - 500 bucks.

- Okay, 500 bucks? - Yeah.

- Okay, yeah, you're on. - Alright, great.

Okay, I'm gonna go check the car.

You check the car. You stay where you are.

- She can do anything she wants. - No, no.

I'll get it. This is ridiculous.

Teddy, we're late. We're sorry.

You know Cha Cha, right?

I do. Hi, Cha Cha. Nice to see you.

[Richard] What's with the no valet for the party?

- You need some dough? - Yeah, see, you made a mis...

You think that the party is tonight

but it was actually last night.

What, you're kidding, right? That's a joke?

No, no, I'm not.

Come on in. Come on in.

- No, come on in. I insist. - It's embarrassing.

No, it's not embarrassing.

You know, Larry and Cheryl made

the exact same mistake you did.

- Come on in. - Hi.

- Mary, Cheryl. - You won't believe this.

They made the exact same mistake you did, Larry.

They thought the party was tonight. Interesting.

Yeah, it is interesting.

Can I get you guys a drink? Do you want a drink, Richard?

Uh, I'm a recovering alcoholic.

Oh, right. I forgot that. He's an alcoholic.

- Okay, you want something? - Hi, Cheryl, Mary.

Can I talk to you for a second?

- You remember Cha Cha. - Hey, Cha Cha.

What are you doing? What did you steal my thing for?

"Showing up on the wrong night" thing.

What do you have a fucking copyright

on this stupid little thing?

You're making a fool out of me. He's onto me now.

You think you're making a fool of...

I'm being made a... I got 35 calls.

Don't ever say to anyone you want to have sex with my girl--

I didn't say that to... We were playing "The Newlywed Game."

What does that have to do with "I want to have intercourse--

I wanted to win the game.

Have you ever played "The Newlywed Game"?

Do you even know what I'm talking about?

Okay, you know what?

I-I can't stay in the same house as him.

We're gonna go. Come on.

- No, no, no, you know what? I should go.

- No, no, no, I'm going. - No, no, I'm going.

- No, no! - No, no!

I don't think you understand. I have to go.

No, I'm going. You stay.

- No, you stay. - You stay.

- You stay. You stay. - You stay. You stay.

- Ted. - Sorry.

Thank you for everything.

- So lovely. - Bye-bye.

Good night.

Come on, Schmohawk!

- Oh, Larry. - Uh, hey.

Oh, gosh.

Look at them.

Hi.

Are you waiting for the Davids, by any chance?

- Yes. - You are?

Yeah, wake up, baby. Wake up, Auntie Rae.

We're so sorry we're late, so sorry.

- Things happen. They do. - Well, you know, traffic--

You'll see. In Los Angeles, it's terrible.

- I'm Loretta Black. - Hi. Larry.

Hi. Cheryl.

- This is my Auntie Rae. - Hello. Hi, I'm Larry.

These are my kids, Keysha and Daryl.

Keysha and Daryl.

So, let me see, your last name is Black?

- Yes. - Mm-hmm.

That's like if my last name was-was Jew

like Larry Jew.

'Cause I'm Jewish.

Well, we really do appreciate

y'all letting us stay with you.

We really do. We appreciate it.

No, but don't you see? 'Cause you're black...

Larry, grab... No, no.

Get that...

And I'm Jewish.

Thank you so much. We really do appreciate it.

It's not too heavy for you, is it, Larry?

- No. - Thank you. Thank you.

Okay, say-say your last name was, uh, Gentile...

- Come on in. - Thank you.

Oh, would you look here?

- This is nice. - This is real nice.

- Oh, yes. - My goodness.

- And spacious, too. I mean, just...

What do you think, huh? Isn't it something? You like it?

It's a swank place you got here, Larry, very swank.

[Auntie Rae] Thank you, sweetheart.

Go, go. Go ahead, take a look around.

- Go ahead. - Oh, thank you. Go on, babies.

Don't touch anything.

Yeah, I thank you. I thank you.

Mm, mm, This is a nice place.

Fixtures going all along the staircase

Whoo-whee.

- I-I can't believe this. - We don't smoke in the house.

Them curtains, just fabulous.

And the couches, they so fluffy!

- Y'all got nice taste. - Thank you.

- Where's the kitchen at? - It's right around there.

I'm going. I'm going.

- This is so great. - She's smoking.

They're so great.

Oh you know what we should do? Let's have a party.

Let's have a party and invite our friends

so they can meet the Blacks.

Hey, you guys want to have a party?

[Blacks exclaiming] Yeah, Loretta?

What? A party?

- We're having a big party. - Uh-huh. You need a cake?

We do. Uh, a chocolate, uh, layer cake.

We want to get the same one that Marty Funkhouser gets.

Oh, yes. He's actually ordered it a couple of times.

I have, uh one that I just prepared recently.

I think it was the best cake we've ever had.

Yeah. Unbelievable.

We can't stop talking about it.

It is one of our most popular cakes.

- I can understand why. - Yes and here he is.

That's a penis.

Yeah, well, we're an erotic bakery.

Oh, my God.

This is where Marty buys his cakes?

- I ate that? - Yes, you ate this cake.

Funkhouser, he knowingly served us penis.

- What is wrong with that guy? - I don't know. Let's go.

- What an idiot. - Thank you. This is crazy.

The cake is delicious, by the way.

Thank you very much, sir.

I'm telling you, it was something else.

Oh, it was one of the scariest things

I've ever experienced in my lifetime.

I mean, we are lucky we got out of there alive.

[Auntie Rae] Yes, we are.

- I want you to meet these guys. - Okay.

I hope we're not too rude but we showed up

the night of the party.

Good one.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Let me ask you a question.

How come you didn't tell me that I was eating

a black penis the other night?

- You mean the cake? - Yeah.

Well, I told you it was a black log cake.

Yeah, still, I was eating a black penis.

You didn't mention it.

Well, eating a black penis

is not appetizing to everybody.

Next time you're gonna do something like that

tell me, okay? I think that's unfair.

Why did you take the balls home?

I didn't know they were balls.

Excuse me.

Mm-hm. Yes, it was you.

Well. Oh boy, oh, boy. Hey.

- Hi, Cha Cha. - Hi, Larry.

I'm sorry about, uh, the other night, you know.

I was just trying to win "The Newlywed Game" is all.

Look, I'm over it. I'm here.

Believe me, I'm way over it.

Hey, everybody, who wants cake?

- Ooh, I do, I do. - Oh, great, great.

It's the best cake I ever had. Come on.

Give you a childish apology...

No, I mean, you know, because it was my routine and...

Jeff!

Jeff, the cake! Jeff!

I'm...

I'm so sorry.

First of all you have to understand something, okay?

My friend Jeff did not know

did not know that there was a penis in that box

when he picked that up from the bakery.

He called in the order and they gave him the box.

He didn't look inside the box.

How's Keysha?

I finally got her to sleep. She's upset.

Of course. Of course, she's upset.

Understandable. To see a big penis like that...

What are you gonna do? She's a little girl.

Okay, you know...

The smoking in the house,

I wanted to talk to you about.

Um, is there any way

maybe you would consider smoking...

...outside...

...on occasion?

How's the cake?

- Pretty good. - Hmm.

Pretty, pretty good.

Ah?

Good night.

Good night.

- Where have you been? - I ate some penis.

So what we gonna do now, LD?

Maybe some family will adopt us.

Holy moly.

What happened?

- A fire. - Oh, my God.

- What are you doing here? - Oh, I'm here for the party.

The party?

The party was yesterday.

What?

Yesterday. The party was yesterday.

Oh, you're kidding me.