Original subtitles

How do those feel to you?

Well, they feel pretty good. I kinda like these orthotics.

Yeah, yeah, they're really gonna help.

Boy, sure make a lot of noise.

They take a while to break in.

Ah, Jesus!

How are you?

- Everything okay? - Si.

Yeah? Seem a little down.

- No, I-I okay. - You okay?

- Si. - Can you do me a favor?

Small favor, okay?

Small favor. It's hardly even a favor.

You work here, actually, so it's part of your job.

Either way, it's still a favor. Okay.

So I got, uh, see this thing?

It's a mezuzah. Got that?

And I need you to put it over the door here.

This is like a Jewish thing.

You know, we put it over the door so every anti-Semite

in the neighborhood will know that we live here

in case they wanna burn down the house.

Anyway, you just need a nail. Get a nail, hammer and a nail.

- Put it up. - Si, mezuzah.

Yeah, mezuzah. I don't...

I don't know what it does, really.

But anyway, because my father's coming to visit

he'll be upset if he doesn't see it up there.

He's a little hard-of-hearing

so when you talk to him, talk loud.

He's losing his hearing.

- Okay? - Okay.

So you just speak up a little bit.

"Hello, hello?"

- You know. - "Hello? Hello?"

Yeah, "How do you feel, Mr. David?"

"How'd you feel, Mr. David?"

That's good. That's good, Jesus.

By the way, Jesus, Jesus? Either one?

Either one, si. It's okay.

- Same thing? - Si.

Okay, okay.

- I do mezuzah. - Okay, great.

What ha... What happened to your leg?

It hurts on the bottom of my feet.

I have the exact same thing!

Do you want your life changed, Jesus?

Huh? Okay.

See this? It's called an orthotic.

Just put 'em in the bottom of your shoe...

...and that's it.

- No, no, no, I do the mezuzah-- - Huh?

- Try them on! - Tell him, Maria.

Honey, what could it hurt?

They make you feel better.

- Okay. - Alright, okay, there you go.

- Okay. - It's a good idea.

Gracias, Mr. Larry.

- De nada. - Thank you.

De nada.

♪ De nada ♪

- What is that noise? - I don't know.

- Hey. - Is that you?

- What? - What's that noise?

Oh, the orthotics.

- Ugh... - What?

- It's loud! - Well, you gotta break 'em in.

It takes a little time.

They're really loud.

Well, they're very good for my feet, I could tell you that.

- My feet feel a lot better. - That's good.

Hey, let me ask you something.

Why is it that before you have a meal

you do the whole cross thing, but not for a snack?

I don't think it applies to snacks.

I guess otherwise you'd be crossing all day long.

There's gotta be a maximum number of times

that somebody can cross in a day.

Uh, I wonder what the record is.

Have you ever seen any crossing on a snack, ever?

- I don't think so. - Excuse me.

[Larry] I'm gonna be on the lookout for some

of these people who cross before snacking.

What's that?

- This? - Yeah.

This is a nail.

I bought this on the Internet.

It's from "The Passion of the Christ."

What, are you kidding?

No. Kind of interesting--

You got one of those Christ nails from the movie?

Mm-hmm, yep. Have you seen it?

- I didn't see it. - Alright, you must--

Missed "Passion of the Christ."

- We have it on DVD-- - Wish I could have gone.

They have all kinds of things in the Internet, you know

for "The Passion of the Christ."

You're nuts about this Jesus guy, aren't you?

Yeah, well, I have a personal relationship with Christ and I--

- Really? - Yeah.

See, I can see worshipping Jesus if He were a girl.

Like if God had a daughter... Jane.

- I'll worship a Jane. - No.

But you know, to worship a guy...

...it's like a little kinda, you know

it's a little gay, isn't it?

- Okay. - The Son of God!

- What's the matter with you? - No, I'm just saying.

- A girl, I would worship Jane... - Larry!

If He had a daughter Jane

I could have a relationship with a Jane.

- He didn't have a daughter! - It's a shame it wasn't a girl.

That's all I have to say.

Good-looking woman, zaftig, you know?

- Okay. - Good sense of humor.

- No, no, no. - That's fine.

if he had a daughter, everybody--

- We got it. - Everybody would worship Jane.

- Stop it. - That's all I'm saying.

- Larry? - What?

- What are you doing? - What?

- What are you doing? - What? Nothing.

I was, your bra was kind of, it was about to fall off

and I was... I was putting it back on.

Alright, and I felt like you were looking at...

My size.

Oh, um...

Yeah.

Well...

I didn't deliberately set out to look at the size

but I was, I had the bra in my hand

and it's kind of like, you know, if you have a driver's license

you check out the date of birth. That's all.

- Okay. - I checked it out.

And what'd you think?

Yeah...

Okay, it was good.

Um...

Well, while we're on the subject

uh, I think we're gonna have to let Maria go.

- I cannot... - Really?

Stand to watch her clean room to room without a bra.

- Yeah. - It's very distracting.

I know, but that's a big move.

You know, why don't you just tell her to put a bra on?

I'm not gonna have that conversation with someone.

I would rather just get rid of her.

- We'll find somebody else. - Really?

First of all, she makes the best chicken salad.

I would really miss that.

Well, Larry, then you're gonna have to tell her

to wear a bra or fire her.

- If I see, listen. - Alright, I'll tell her.

I'll tell her to put the bra on.

I'll talk to her. I'll talk to her, no problem.

- Okay. - Okay?

- Alright, are you... - Alright, I got it.

- Huh? - You done with this?

- Yeah, I am. - You done?

Would you like to...

[Maria] Oh, hi, I thought you were Jesus!

- Jesus! No kidding. - Yeah. Yeah.

His shoes are like your shoes.

- Yeah? - Yeah, they're very loud.

Yeah, they make a lotta noise. You gotta break them in.

Yeah, but his feet feel really good.

- They're better? - Si, yeah.

- Fantastic! - Yeah, thank you.

- That's unbelievable. - It's good.

- And they fit and everything? - Mm-hmm!

- Is he happy? - Yes.

'Cause you know, between you and me

he can be quite a downer, this guy, this Jesus.

Yeah, I know.

He's good.

- Maria? - Yeah?

Uh, I got a little thing I need to talk about with you.

Okay.

Cheryl and I were having a conversation the other night

and, uh, well, last night, actually.

You know, we couldn't help but, uh, notice

that, uh, you don't wear a, uh... bra.

Oh, no. Don't like 'em. Not for me.

- Not for you? - No.

Hmm.

Because, you know I got my father-in-law here.

- Mm-hmm? - They're kind of distracting.

Distracting?

Yeah, a lot of flopping going on.

No, they don't flop.

- There's floppin'! - Don't like the support things.

They-they're uncomfortable.

I haven't worn one in 15 years.

They've made some great technological advances

in bras in 15 years.

They're inviting and cozy and cottony.

What do you call that cotton?

Puma? That's a sneaker.

Alright... pima! pima!

No, I don't like 'em. Mm-mm.

- You don't like 'em? - Mm-mm.

Alright, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do for you, okay?

I'm gonna buy you a bra. How about that?

I'll buy you one, you'll try it

you'll put it on, you'll see what I'm talking about.

My treat.

- Okay, I'll try it. - You'll try it!

I'll just try it on and just, that's it.

I'm gonna get you a bra.

[Larry] Where are you?

[Jeff] I'm in the kitchen.

What the hell is that?

Oh, my orthotics.

Well, what's the story with that?

Well, I got these new orthotics, you know...

Is it always gonna sound that way?

No, no, you need to break 'em in.

- Okay, have you broke 'em-- - But my foot?

- Yeah? - Goodnight, nurse.

- Really? Oh, how about that? - Yeah. Yeah.

- Congratulations. Wow. - Thank you.

- Thank you. - Okay.

- Beer? - Hmm. Maybe later.

Alright, well, if you want one

I haven't been able to find my can opener.

I'm telling you something.

I got a housekeeper who steals.

- Really? - Oh, yeah.

Alright, so it's just a can opener,

you might not think it's much, but everything I look for, gone!

- Then why don't you fire her? - 'Cause I don't know for sure.

- But I'm pretty sure. - Gee, I hate to hear that.

I know. I know. It's horrible.

Of course, my housekeeper, I had to tell her to wear a bra.

[Jeff] You had to tell your housekeeper to wear a bra?

Yeah. I am buying her--

I have to buy her a bra.

I just don't know what size she is.

[Susie] Honey?

Sammi's last tooth finally fell out.

Oh, great, great, great, great, great, great!

Look at that, huh?

Yeah, tooth fairy will be coming tonight.

What? Wait a second.

- What is this? - What, tooth fairy?

- Tooth fairy? - Yeah.

What, are you kidding? She's like 11 years old.

It's none of your goddamn business, Larry.

Her tooth falls out...

- We stick it under her pillow. - Tooth fairy?

Tooth fairy, she still believes in the tooth fairy?

Yes, she still believes in the tooth fairy.

What's the matter with that?

- Really? - Yeah.

Jesus Christ, I'm-I'm shocked.

- What's so shocking? - 'Cause... I don't know.

You don't understand children. You don't know child psychology

and what they believe and don't believe.

- I guess I don't. - No!

I knew there was no tooth fairy

even before my teeth fell out.

[Susie] Really? Well, maybe that's what your problem is.

Maybe if you had a little faith or a belief in something

you wouldn't have ended up the way you did, you know?

What are you looking at?

What? No, nothing.

Alright. Thanks for your help.

Yeah, my pleasure. It's always something.

- Will you do me a favor? - What?

For the rest of the night, just leave us alone.

- Fine, my pleasure. - Thank you.

- You know what? - What?

I think she's about the same size as

as Maria, my housekeeper.

- Really? - Yeah.

- You know what size she is? - No. I could find out.

- Would you? - Sure.

Thank you, thank you.

Do you know what Cheryl's size is?

I just found out, and I gotta tell you something.

- Hmm? - A little disappointed.

- Really? - Yeah.

What, B-cup?

- I'd rather not say. - C?

- I can't, you know? - 32?

- I can't. I don't-- - 34?

- I don't wanna talk about it. - Come on.

- I don't want to talk about it. - Come on!

No! I'd rather not--

I'm giving you Susie's bra size.

Give me Cheryl's bra size.

It's a trade.

- I can't. I don't want to. - You know what?

You don't tell me Cheryl's, I ain't telling you Susie's.

- Okay. Fine. - Okay. Fine.

I'm not the one who has to go out and buy a bra.

- I don't give a shit. - Oh, yeah, you do.

It's unbelievable, isn't it?

I mean, I could be general manager

of a basketball team.

I could put together a better team--

You could not.

- Don't tell me I couldn't-- - You don't have a clue.

Half the things you say here on the couch--

I know as much about basketball as these idiots.

- Oh, right. Yeah, right. - I just need the opportunity.

- That's all. - Yeah, that's all.

- Just the opportunity. - That's all.

A young, fresh kid out of college

just needs the opportunity.

- I do! - That's all.

- I know I could do it. - Yeah. Yeah.

- Where you going? - Bathroom.

Alright.

What are you doing?

What are you doing with that money?

Well, I was checking to make sure the tooth fairy left it.

- You're lying! You're a liar! - No, Sammi! No, sweetie!

You're the tooth fairy!

- There is no tooth fairy! - No, honey.

- There is a tooth fairy. - You're lying!

- It's you! - I'm gonna kill him!

It's you! You're the tooth fairy!

You know what you just did?

[Sammi] I'll never believe you again!

Sammi caught me putting the money under her pillow

because you woke her up with those things in your shoes

and now she knows that I'm the tooth fairy!

- Really? The shoes woke her up? - Yes!

Yes, the shoes woke her up!

She knows that there's no tooth fairy now!

- Oh, I'm-I'm sorry. - Oh, you're sorry?

I'm her mother! Trust!

I-I know, but, you know, it had to happen eventually.

You know, you're a stupid fucking idiot!

I cannot listen to this!

- Jeff, do you hear this? - No, what's going--

- "It had to happen eventually." - What had to happen?

His orthotics, whatever the hell they are

the noise woke Sammi up and she caught me!

What's with your fakakta shoes?

I told you it takes a while to break 'em in!

What are you breaking 'em in in my house for?

- It's crazy! - Uh, you know, it's, hey, look!

Let me just posit this, okay?

It might be a blessing in disguise.

- How? - Well, you know...

Kid's 11 years old already.

It's enough with the tooth fairy!

Ah! Not your business, Larry, you misanthropic moron!

Not for you to judge! She's our kid!

We decide when she knows about the tooth fairy!

Well, maybe you shouldn't have propagated this ridiculous myth!

Get the fuck out of my house!

- You sure? - Yes!

Hey, what's going on?

What is it?

Larry, get rid of those orthotics!

Now I'll never get back to sleep!

May I help you?

Yes, hi, um...

Yeah, I'm interested in, uh, in buying a, uh...

...bra.

- For your-- - It's not for me, no.

- No, it's-- - Not for me.

For your sweetheart or your wife?

- Girlfriend? - Actually, my, uh, housekeeper.

- Oh, housekeeper, okay. - Yeah.

I'm not making it up. It's really not for me.

Fine, okay, no, it's not... Of course it's not for you.

Tell me you believe me. It's important to me.

- I believe you! Of course not! - Okay.

You know, not that there's anything wrong with it.

No, because I know--

No but there is something wrong with it.

What am I saying, not that there's

there's a lot wrong with it.

We can't say that in this day and age.

I like to walk around with underwear on my head.

Is there anything wrong with that?

Is there something wrong with that?

Yeah, there's something wrong with that.

Very funny, so you really do need a bra then?

- Yes. Something comfortable. - Okay, for a woman?

She hasn't worn one in 15 years.

- I need something comfortable. - Not a French maid outfit?

No, no, it's not a Lacey French maid outfit.

- 'Cause we have lots of those. - This feels very nice.

Yes, this is our revolutionary "Elasticene."

- Feel this thing. Yeah. - This is the one...

Mmm. Lovely.

This is the best bra we make.

Ooh, it's so soft. I like that. I like that.

In fact, this one...

I wonder if they make underwear out of this stuff.

They do. We have matching panties.

- We have a special-- - No, for me, for men.

See, that's, that's why I'm saying, it's--

Feel free to try on anything here that you want.

- We have a complete-- - Are you out of your mind?

I'm not saying it's for me. It's not for me.

I'm just saying this kind of foamy, soft material...

Isn't it wonderful?

Would be nice, you know, down-down there for me.

- It's so smooth, yes. - But... What?

What? That doesn't make me a pervert...

There's nothing perverted about it!

...Underwear made out of a bra.

That doesn't make me a pervert.

Let's start, let's figure out what this woman has...

[Larry] Got a good selection for you here.

And, you know, the only issue, of course, is the size

which I have to say I didn't, I didn't really know your size.

I got a feeling I think I nailed it.

I really do!

Okay, I'll try them all on.

- Alright? - Thank you, Mr. David.

Alright, you're welcome.

Hey.

You're a sick fuck, you know that?

- What? - What are you talking about?

What are we talking about?

You know, our housekeeper's been stealing, Larry

so we installed cameras throughout the house.

Laundry room. I looked at the tape.

[Susie] Quite a show, Larry. Look familiar?

[Larry] Alright, so I'm looking at the size of it.

I needed to buy a bra for the housekeeper

and it seemed like you two were the same size.

So I needed to find out what your size was!

And what's all this mincing around?

- What is this? - No!

I was trying to imagine what it would be like

to be the housekeeper and have those breasts, you know

working and doing dishes and vacuuming.

[Cheryl] And how did that feel? Did it feel good?

This is how your housekeeper washes dishes, like this?

Huh? That's what she does?

She dances, mincing around, washing dishes?

Well, why are you looking at her breasts?

I don't understand why you would walk

into her laundry room...

And start rifling through her underwear.

I just had happened to see the bra there, so I thought

hey, look at that, she seems to be about the same size as Maria!

So that's what you're doing

is you're staring at everyone's breasts?

No, I knew I had to buy her a bra and I thought--

Why are you buying her a bra? You don't have to buy her a bra!

You're the one who made me

get a bra for her in the first place!

- I never said go buy her a bra! - Oh, yeah!

- What is wrong with you? - But you wanted her...

- To put a bra on! - Well, it's disgusting.

And I was just fine--

[Cheryl] You don't walk around looking--

Exactly. It's disgusting.

Keep your goddamn hands off my brassiere, okay?

This isn't the first time it's happened.

The other day he's rifling through my things...

- With your bras? - Looking at my labels.

- With her bra? - We're married 11 years!

So I took a little peek at her bra size, so big deal.

- Well, fine! - So sue me! Lock me up!

Pervert! You sick fuck pervert!

You have some fetish about bras...

- Oh, get out of here! Fetish... - With your housekeeper.

With Cheryl, with me.

I don't know what the hell it is

but it's sick and you better fix those goddamn shoes too!

'Cause you know what he did?

He woke Sammi up the other night.

I was putting money under her pillow

"cause her tooth fell out.'

She caught me, now she knows there's no tooth fairy.

Yeah, because there is no fucking tooth fairy!

- So what? - And it's about time...

- She learned that! - None of your business!

Where have you been?

Bra shopping.

- Okay, Mr. Larry? - Ahh! Ahh!

- It's nice? - Very nice!

- It's good, huh? - Very nice indeed!

- I like it! - You like it?

It's nice. It feels good.

- Good. - Yeah, it feels nice.

What's with him?

[Maria] Oh, he didn't get a lot of sleep last night.

He was woken up and now he's very tired today.

- Mmm. - Yeah.

What's the, what's the mezuzah doing over there?

My father's gonna freak out. He's gonna be here any minute.

Why didn't Jesus put the mezuzah up?

Oh, Jesus was very upset

that you were talking about my breasts

and wanting to buy a bra for me.

So-so he said, "Mr. David can go fuck himself."

That's what Jesus said?

Yeah, he was mad.

My father's pulling up! Where's a hammer?

He keeps it in the drawer somewhere.

What about a nail? Where's a nail?

I don't know where he keeps the nails! I don't...

What's going on there?

I'm putting up a mezuzah.

Wait a minute. Is that my nail?

- I'll get you another one. - You took my nail?

- Larry! - That's blasphemy!

What? What is going on?

Took my nail! He took my nail!

He took the nail right off my neck!

[Susie] Why'd you have a nail around your neck?

- That's Jesus' nail! - Oh, no!

- That's Jesus' nail! - No, I know!

My father's coming right now!

- Hey, hey, hey! - Hey, hey!

Hey, boy chick.

Alright. Alright, kiddo.

- Hi, Nat. - Hi, Nat!

- Hi. - Hi, Nat.

Hi, Nat.

[Jeff] This is the best chicken salad I've ever had.

- Ever, right? - Unbelievable.

- It's amazing. - Unbelievable.

I don't know what the hell she does.

My God, she makes chicken salad

she wears brassieres, she does it all!

Yeah, she's very happy with the bras, by the way.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Nailed, nailed the bra size. - Really?

It's Unbel... I don't know how I do it.

I've really got some kind of talent for that, you know?

Maybe you can get a job in a carnival somewhere.

Yeah, it's true. I'm-I'm good at it.

Yeah, have your own little booth.

- Yes. - Yeah.

- "Step right up." - Yeah.

"You are...36C!"

- Huh? I know. - Yeah! Great.

Of course, Jesus freaked out about the whole thing.

- Really? - He quit, yeah.

- He quit? Wow. - Quit.

The whole thing about the bra, talking about the bra

asking her to buy a bra...

He told her to tell me to go fuck myself.

- Really? - Yeah.

He's a fucking nut job, this guy.

So... did you replace the nail?

Did I replace the nail?

- I believe I have. - Oh, okay.

- Huh? Yeah. - Good, good.

Your father-in-law's gonna be very happy.

- Yeah. - Happy man.

Your dad's happy, your father-in-law's happy.

Unless, of course, any other emergencies arise

that require a nail to remedy it.

You never know when you're gonna need a nail.

- You never know. - You never know.

Fuck.

- What's the matter? - My tooth!

What?

Oh, fuck!

I think my tooth fell out.

Shit! My tooth fell out!

- My tooth! - From a chicken salad sandwich?

What fucking idiot put bones in a sandwich?

I bit into a bone!

There's bones in the chicken salad!

Shit!

Fuck!

Quiet.

What's that noise?

What?

Shh.

[Jeff] Sounds like your shoes.

Jesus!

I didn't see anybody.

Oh, fuck!

- What happened? - He just fell.

Fell?

What? What is that language?

I have no idea.

Wait a minute.

What's this? There's something in his foot!

Oh, my God!

The nail.

I must have dropped it!

It saved me!

Come on, let's, let's get him some help.

Very funny.

I don't know what you're talking about.