Original subtitles

♪

[Larry] I'm drowning.

I'm gonna die. And somewhere... I'm not even rel...

I'm not religious at all... I said, "God, help me!"

And I'm deposited right, right on the beach.

Oh, my golly.

I went swimming that day for some reason.

Something drew me to the water.

Why? I don't know.

You know, it's like a baby drawn to the nipple.

You know what... Or, you know, adults drawn to the nipple.

- Yeah. - Either way, right?

[Susie] You know what I think, Larry?

Was that divine intervention?

- Yeah. - Unbelievable, Larry.

Huh? Is that not divine intervention?

- You know what I think, Lar? - Huh?

I think this happened for a reason.

- Yes! Yes. - Mm-hmm.

I think so too. It happened for a reason.

Now maybe you'll start to be more respectful to people.

- Treat people better. - I'm respectful to people.

- Eh, Larry, eh-heh. - What? What eh-heh?

- Fine. Whatever, whatever. - I respect people.

- I'm very nice to people. - Yeah, fine.

So, anyway, huh? Amazing?

- Is that amazing? - Awesome.

True story, every word! Huh?

- To life! - L'chaim!

- Yeah! - L'chaim!

- L'chaim. - To life, you said it.

Every day is a gift.

Are you going to temple for the High Holy Days?

- Yeah, of course. - I think I wanna go to temple.

- This year. - You do?

Well, yeah, I mean, given

what happened and everything

Don't you think I should be there?

Yeah, it's a great thing

but you've got to get your ticket, like

six months in advance.

It's a tough ticket to go to the High Holy Days.

Why do you need a ticket to go to temple?

It's crazy!

I'm not saying I justify it

but you need a ticket, and I've got my tickets.

How am I gonna get one?

Um...

You know what?

I'll make some calls

and if I hook one up I call you tonight.

- Okay. - We'll see.

Look at this thing. Look.

You ever see a handle like this on a cup?

What's the point of this?

It looks like a little pretend little teacup.

- Yeah, look, look. - Yeah.

You can't get your index finger in there.

What's the point?

Yeah, I like watching you do that.

There's something I want to tell you...

Oh! I went by Leo's delicatessen.

You know what's up on the board?

A brand-new sandwich called the Larry David.

- What? Get out of here. - Swear to God. Swear to God.

- Leo named a sandwich after me? - He named a sandwich after you.

- You're kidding! - Yep, yep, yep, yep.

I can't believe it. I'm on the board?

You're on the board.

- What is it? - Um, let's see, uh...

There's whitefish, uh, sable

uh, capers, onions, and cream cheese.

What? What?

- That's the sandwich? - Yeah.

- You've got a sandwich! - That's a disgusting sandwich!

Really?

Alright, I'm gonna get something to eat.

- I'll see you in a minute. - Okay.

Look at this. Ugh.

- Sorry. - Oh, boy.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, what happened?

He bumped me.

- Did you bump into him? - No.

You bumped into me. You didn't bump into me?

Larry, please.

- What happened? - Oh, nothing.

Ready to go?

Yeah. You ready?

- Hey. - What?

- We're gonna take off. - What?

We carpooled with you. I'm not ready to leave yet.

- Yeah, it's enough already. - Larry, what the fuck?

I'm having fun. Jeff, they wanna go.

- You wanna go? - We wanna go. Yeah.

- We carpooled together. - No, we wanna go.

We're not ready to leave, Jeff.

He just got his food.

- Listen, you'll get a ride. - Fine.

If you don't get a ride, you'll give me a call, okay?

Fine, yeah, you'll be hearing from us.

Yeah, you'll come back and get us.

I will I'll come back and get you.

I believe that.

Oh, Larry.

[Larry] Call me Mr. Tibbs.

Larry.

Don't answer that.

Actually, that might be Jeff

calling about the temple tickets.

I don't care.

- Huh? - I don't care, come on.

No, no, this is kind of important though.

- Well, he'll call back. - No, I'm really...

I told him to try and find out. Hello?

- Hey! - Oh, hey.

Uh, made some calls, but no go on the tickets.

- Oh, what a bummer! - Yeah.

Yeah, I'm sorry, but you know what?

You can always try for a scalper.

Really? They got scalper tickets?

- They usually do. - Huh.

- Yeah. - Expensive?

I have no idea.

Alright, I'll get some scalper tickets.

Get some scalper tickets.

We'll just go down there and try to get some.

Yeah.

Um, okay, thanks for trying.

Sure, man. I'll talk to you later.

- Okay. - Bye.

- Get off! - What?

- Get off of me! - What are you doing?

What am I doing?! What are you doing?!

What?

What's the... What's the big deal? What?

Why did you have to answer the phone?

'Cause I told you, I was expecting a call.

Why? So what? I'm...

Jesus.

Goodnight.

Oh, right.

Mustn't interrupt intercourse.

Oh, sacred intercourse cannot be interrupted.

Oooh. Everybody, quiet.

Quiet for intercourse.

Shh! Don't disturb the intercourse.

Let me tell you something.

This is some kinda sandwich, my friend.

It's the first time I really quelled...

Really swelled up with joy.

Look at that Larry David sandwich.

- Yeah. - I really quelled from this.

It's something that makes me prouder than anything.

Ah, alright, alright. I don't even like it.

- What? - I don't like it.

Alright, whatever you said just now

you mumbled it, which is something you do.

You do a lot. You do a lot of mumbling.

Okay.

You don't have a lot of respect for speech.

You could speak a little clearer.

It wouldn't hurt anybody. Oh, laughing in my face.

I don't have respect for speech?

- Yes. - I do.

I respect speech. I disagree.

- Aha! Look who's here! - Hey, Leo!

How're you doing, Larry?

So good to see you!

Oh, and Mr. David, too!

How are you, sir? How are you, huh?

- Jesus. - Huh? Yeah!

Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.

Leo!

First of all, I want to thank you

for putting me up on the board

having my own sandwich!

Larry David sandwich, huh?

Will you look... Look how proud he is.

[Nat] No problem!

It is my pleasure to put the Larry David sandwich

up on the board.

It's such a wonderful thing.

You like it, yeah? You like it?

- Eh! - What is this eh?

Eh. You know...

I'm not really a big...

I'm not really a big fish guy, to tell you the truth.

This is the best whitefish in the whole wide world.

No other place got this whitefish but me.

Oh, I'm sure it is but I'm more of a, you know

pastrami, corned beef kind of guy.

Can I get a pastrami, corned beef thing?

You are the whitefish-sable. Period.

- What do you want me to do? - What about tongue?

No tongue!

Hey, let me ask you this, okay?

What if I got somebody

to switch sandwiches with me?

- To switch with you? - Yeah, maybe, you know...

Uh, Ted Danson, or something.

What do you think about that?

Okay, I tell you what I'm going to do for you.

If the Mr. Danson say okay, okay, you can switch.

- Alright. - If I can do it, I can do it.

- Okay, yeah. - I'll see you at temple.

Okay.

Jesus, that guy almost broke my hand with that shake.

Don't whisper to me. Please...

I said he almost broke my hand with that handshake!

You know, most of the time, once in a while

if you're, if you're pleasant to people...

You... you...

What's the matter?

Take a drink of water.

Take some water.

It's okay, pop.

Everything's gonna be alright.

I got your glasses.

[Dr. Sewell] Well, your dad has had a mild stroke.

- Really? - Yes. He's going to be fine.

I've got him lightly sedated right now

and he's-he's resting

but he's doing very very well

and it's nothing for you to worry about.

- Okay, okay. - Honestly.

Um, my feeling is we may do a little corrective surgery.

I don't know exactly when

but we'll have him here for a while.

Let me ask you a question.

Uh, my dad and I were eating in the deli earlier.

- Mm-hmm. - And, um...

Actually, they named a sandwich after me.

- No kidding. - Yeah, I got my own...

- Got my own sandwich at Leo's. - That is great.

I'm up... I'm up on the board the Larry David.

- If you go in there... - Oh, I see that on the menu.

You know, everybody's got their sandwiches.

Yeah, but, you know, the bad news is

that I can't stand the sandwich, between you and me.

What is it?

I see you recoiled a little bit.

Is it a breath thing?

No, no, not at all, no.

You put your head back a little bit.

No, not at all, no.

But anyway, here's my question.

Okay.

Is it possible that the sandwich

could've had something to do with the stroke?

If the sandwich was caught

and he started choking and couldn't breathe

and then became fearful, I guess it's possible.

You know, it could raise his blood pressure.

His life is not threatened. He's fine and he's resting.

The sandwich gave him a stroke. I can't believe this.

How do you like this? The sandwich.

Do you mind if I... if I, uh...

You know, I'm a big fan of "Seinfeld."

I don't know if that bothers you or not.

- Why would it bother me? - It was a wonderful show.

- Thank you, thank you. - It was a great show

And I'll tell you what...

...I'm gonna do your father's surgery for you.

I'm chief surgeon here.

Usually I delegate it to somebody else

but I would be happy to do this for you.

- Thank you. - Now, you're a golfer, right?

So would you like to get together and play?

I can't believe that sandwich

might have been responsible for this.

I'm so sorry.

Whitefish.

Why'd they have to give me whitefish?

So many other sandwiches.

Pastrami, tuna.

I would have taken tuna... even with the mercury.

It stinks in here?

You know what? I think you smell from the onion.

You want a mint? Hmm?

Take a mint.

No mint?

I got a whole handful of them.

What?

What?

What is it?

I don't...

I'm a doctor?

What? I'm a doctor?

I'm... a-adopted?

Adopted?

- I'm sorry. - Did you say I'm adopted?

I'm gonna have to ask you to leave the room.

[Larry] Okay, okay.

- Now. - Okay.

- "Adopted," you said? - You're gonna have to leave.

Now. Let's go.

- Dad, I'm adopted? - Come on, let's go.

- Adopted? - Let's go.

- Let's go. - I'm adopted...

I think I'm adopted. I might be adopted.

I-I think I'm adopted.

I could be adopted.

I might be adopted.

Dennis, hey.

Where'd you come from?

Upstairs.

Upstairs? What the hell...

Hey, do you mind if I stop this for a second?

Do you mind if I stop? Because I have an idea.

Maybe it'd be... Maybe it's be more funny if...

You know what, I suspected this a long time.

I really did. The only thing...

The only noticeable thing I have in common with them

honest to God, is my penmanship.

I noticed there's a similarity.

Isn't there something with the stroke

with oxygen to his brain or something?

- Come on. Adopted? - Don't, don't ruin this for me.

- I'm not trying to ruin it. - Don't rain on my parade.

[Ted] Hey, look who's here.

- Hey! - Hey, Jeff. Hey, man.

I can't, can't shake. Bad fingers. Hurt my fingers.

Alright, alright. I am so bummed out.

I'm awful. I'm don't know how to be funny anymore.

It's not you, it's not you. It's the writing.

Why are you here, by the way?

No, we were just... I was at his office.

I thought I'd bring him by.

I told him you were filming here.

- Yeah. - He got all excited.

Yeah figured I'd check out the new pilot.

Thanks, buddy. I really appreciate it.

And... Oh, guess what?

- Leo's... You know? - Yeah.

They named a sandwich after me.

Oh, you're kidding me. Oh, you're kidding me.

- I got a sandwich. - That's wonderful, man.

- I'm on the board. - You've arrived.

- I'm on the board. - That is fantastic.

- Yep. - That's good news.

So the thing about it... I was wondering...

'Cause I know you don't go in there very much...

I'm in there all the time.

I'm in there three times a week.

You know, and in as much as you don't go in there

I was just thinking that maybe...

'Cause my sandwich is a great sandwich

but I'm not a, I'm not really a fish guy.

- Yeah. - And it's kind of a...

- You gotta like fish. - Eh.

You like fish, but anyway...

So I was thinking maybe

you wouldn't mind switching with me.

- Switching sandwiches? - Yeah.

You know, 'cause you don't go in there.

I'd like to eat my own sandwich.

It would be fun to go in with my dad

and eat my own sandwich, you know?

Alright. What the hell? I mean, what's the harm?

- Really? - Yeah, why not?

- Fanta... No. Fantastic! - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just so if anyone asks me, what's in my new sandwich?

Oh, okay, it's, um... you got whitefish.

- You know whitefish? - W-whitefish.

- Whitefish and sable. Um... - What is sable?

- Sable. It's a, it's a fish. - It's a fish like a whitefish.

- It's a smoked fish. - It's a smoked fish, yeah.

- You have two fishes? - Two fishes.

Yeah, but they-they blend very well together.

They're like Siamese twins, whitefish and sable.

What else is in it? No condiments?

Cream cheese.

There's some cream cheese. It's--

- Uh... - Capers.

There-there may be some capers, I'm not sure.

If you don't like 'em, you can brush them off.

- That's not a big deal. - Onions.

Yeah.

That's sounds awful.

What are you talking about? Awful?

My sandwich is turkey, coleslaw, Russian dressing.

It's a classic. People come in, they order a Ted Danson.

Yeah, but you're not there. You-you don't go in there.

I know, but people are used to my sandwich.

I'm not sure they show up and all of a sudden they're eating

you know, the Ted Danson sandwich all of a sudden

has herring and lox.

- It's not herring. - And smoked whatever.

- Capers. Onions. - Shut the fuck up.

It's not herring, okay?

It's-it's whitefish and sable. That's not herring.

Instead of ordering a Ted Danson people go in

and order a Larry David. What's the difference?

One tastes good and one sucks!

Why don't you taste it? Taste the sandwich.

- Taste it! - I don't wanna taste it!

- You can't even taste it? - I don't wanna taste it!

- You wanna taste it? - No!

[Ted] I won't taste your stupid sandwich.

- You won't taste it? - No, I won't.

[Larry] Alright, so you're not tasting it?

Tickets, tickets. Who needs? Who needs tickets?

Tickets? Happy New Year. Tickets?

How are you?

- You need tickets? - You got something?

- I got-- - Yeah?

Do I have... I have the best seats.

- Yeah? - I have fabulous--

Two seats, right there in front.

The cantor will be practically spitting all over you.

- Really? - Yeah.

- H-how much? - Give me 600 for the two.

I'll give you 300 for the pair.

I'll take it. I'll take the 300.

I'll take the 300.

You have no idea what a deal this is.

Incredible deal you got. 600.

- You alright? - You're not screwing me?

You're screwing me, maybe.

You know, I'm giving you the deal of a lifetime.

- Hey! All good. - Got them.

- Alright. - Got 'em.

- How much? - Pfft.

- Really? Oh, jeez. - Yeah yeah.

I don't understand why you buy tickets.

Because it's a popular day.

There's too many Jews to go around.

[Susie] There's not enough... Exactly.

By the way, thank you for carpooling with us.

- Alright. - We--

I really never expected you to get in my car

again after the other night.

- We're sorry about that. - Man.

Listen, this, uh, this adoption thing

I was thinking about it.

Isn't there an aunt or an uncle

or somebody from your childhood?

Any relative who would know, they're all dead.

- They're all dead? - All dead.

- Every last one? - There's...

There's one person, though.

I had a nanny when I was--

You had a nanny?

I had a nanny. Johanna Seiderman.

- Yeah? - When I was a little kid.

Antoinette tracked her down.

There's a Johanna Seiderman in a nursing home in Queens

and I've written her a letter.

Oh, well, this is terrific.

That way you'll have definitive "yes, no."

You might not be happy with the answer

but you'll know the answer.

Hey, let me ask you guys a question.

You pick up the phone during sex?

- No! - Why would you pick up?

You're in the middle of an intimate moment

with your-your loved one.

- You're gonna pick up? - I'm... It's fine.

[Jeff] What would you pick up for?

If every blue moon I have sex

I'm not gonna pick up the phone.

- You've an answering machine. - Thank you.

[Susie] You're having an intimate moment with a loved one

you pick up the phone?

- Who does that? - Hey, Larry! Larry!

- Larry, Rob. - Oh, sorry, can't shake, Rob.

Got a bad-bad hand. Somebody...

Okay, alright. Um, so this is your wife?

No! What? No! No!

- What kind of response is that? - No, that's my wife.

Oh, alright. Hey, I'll see you inside.

- Okay, see you inside. - Alright, take care.

- Really? - What?

- It's always a thing. - Oh stop.

Oh, no, no, no.

Well, you know, you got the Al Capone hat on and--

This happens to be a very expensive hat, mister.

And it's rude, it's rude.

Alright, let's-let's go in and pray.

Okay, let's go in and pray.

Sorry, Susie.

"Be among those who cherish truth above ease.

"'Their fruit we eat now.'

Their essence remains for us in the life to come."

Hey, hey. How'd you get that sandwich?

- What-- - That sandwich at the deli!

He gave... Leo gave it to me. That's how I got it.

- How did... Did you bribe him? - Oh, I bribed him?

Yeah, that's rich. What the hell are you talking about?

How many times a week do you go in there?

- I don't know. Two? - I go there five times a week.

Big deal.

But I eat anything off the menu.

- I eat a lot of stuff too. - I take stuff out.

- I get deliveries. - I give it to charity.

Big deal. You're talking to him outside? I saw you talking.

- It's none of your business. - What was that about?

What, did you tell him you didn't get a sandwich?

"Leo, I want to get a sandwich."

Your sandwich stinks, by the way. It stinks!

- You stink. - Excuse me, sir.

I'm gonna need to see your ticket.

- Why? - Your ticket, sir.

- Why? - Is there a problem?

What's the problem?

Is this the guy?

- Okay, pal. - Oh, you little snitch.

- You're gonna have to step out. - Why? I have a ticket.

- What? - Let's go.

- We can't leave. - You feel like making a scene?

- No. - Shh.

- Oh, shush you! - Shh.

- Shush you! - Shh.

Shh-shush yourself.

Oh, great, little tattletale. You snitch.

He spilled the coffee, by the way.

"Cause I couldn't put my fingers'

through your dainty cup.

You know, you're setting a very bad example

for my gentile wife, you know that.

Look, it's her first time in temple.

- Larry, what's happening? - They're kicking us out.

Well, are you gonna wait for us?

It's gonna be an hour and a half.

Well, how are we gonna get home? We carpooled with you.

You'll get a ride. There's plenty of people here.

- Ask somebody. - Let's go.

You'll get a ride.

Friends, let us continue on page 143.

I saw you roll about seven feet past.

- Yeah. - Get this.

The doctor divorced his wife and is seeing his secretary.

- Just told me. - Unbelievable.

- This guy. - Heh.

- Did you hear from the nanny? - No. No, not yet.

Well, you must be on pins and needles.

Yeah, but, you know, I think if she gets the letter

I think she's gonna get in touch with me.

I don't know, we'll see.

- That's wild. - Isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's got the yips.

- The what? - The yips. The yips!

The what? I don't know what that is.

- You never heard of the yips? - No.

Okay, it's in golf.

You line up to putt and your hands shake.

He was shaking like this.

Well, I mean, maybe it's just a golf condition.

He gets nervous when he putts or something.

I-I can't take that chance. He's operating on my father.

Well, you need to call him and tell him not to do it.

I mean, they're gonna have to get somebody else.

- I hate doing stuff like this. - You don't have a choice.

I hate these calls.

Pick up the phone and call the doctor.

Maybe you could call him.

If it was my father, I would've already been on the phone.

Okay.

You should go out of the room 'cause I can't do this in front

of somebody else, honest to God. Could you leave the room?

It's like calling for a date or something, you know?

I need privacy.

I never. I never said you were adopted.

- Yeah, that's what you said. - No, no, I never said that.

I wouldn't say that to you. No, it's not true.

No, you're not adopted.

It's okay, you can tell me. I can take it.

- You're not, you're not-- - Are you sure?

Listen, that Larry David sandwich, I didn't finish it.

I remember seeing a half a sandwich

still on, still on that table.

You want the other half?

You know what, I just ran into your doctor.

I'm meeting him there for lunch.

What a nightmare that's gonna be.

What?

You sure I'm not adopted?

I never said that. Never.

Okay.

We'll see what Mrs. Seiderman has to say.

Ah. Um...

I'd like a Larry David to go, please.

Oh, we don't have that sandwich anymore.

- What? - They changed the name.

[Richard] And I say that it happens every single time.

I swear to God. I'd never lie to you.

No, I would never lie to you. Not you guys.

Larry, what are you doing here?

You stole my sandwich? Is that what you did?

What the hell are you talking about?

- What am I talking about? - What are you talking about?

You stole my sandwich!

What the fuck does that mean?

What? Look! Look at the board.

What, you're blaming me?

I saw you talking to him outside the temple.

Oh, you're out of your fucking mind.

I saw you talking to him outside the temple!

I always talk to people outside.

It's Rosh Hashanah. It's a new year.

I talk to deli owners. I talk to pawn brokers.

Yeah, yeah, "Leo, can I please have a sandwich?"

- Oh, bullshit! - "Please, please."

You were so jealous that I had a sandwich up there

and you just couldn't take it, could you?

You had to get your little sandwich!

I got a piece of information you might be interested in.

- I can't wait. What is it? - I'm adopted.

- Bullshit. - Bullshit? Bullshit?

No, it's not bullshit.

What do you mean, you're adopted?

- I'm adopted. - How do you know?

My father told me.

You don't know who your parents are?

I know they're not those nuts!

I know that, but I know who yours are.

- Fuck. - Enjoy your whitefish. Enjoy.

- Larry. - Yeah?

Larry, you are adopted?

- Yeah. - I adopted too!

You are my brother!

We are in the brotherhood of the adopted!

Larry, come on over here. You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to let you have any sandwich you want.

- Really? - Yeah, any one you want!

- Take it. Go ahead, take it. - Oh, boy.

- Take it. - Well, it's a tough decision.

Okay, okay, I wait.

I think I'm going to have to go with that Ted Danson.

- Ted Danson? - Yeah.

- That's yours. - Thank you!

He is a son of a bitch, he don't come in anyway!

- You got it! - Thank you.

- Hey, Larry. - Hey, Dr. Sewell.

I want you to meet a friend of mine. Leo, this is Dr. Sewell.

- Leo. - How are you, Dr. Sewell?

Ow! Ow!

Ah.

I think I'll get that Larry David to go.

Do not even think about it.

I'm expecting a call from Mrs. Seiderman.

- Who? - You know, my nanny.

Do not pick up that phone.

Nobody's picking up.

I had an answer to his question

if only he had picked up.

Mrs. Seiderman?

Mrs. Seiderman.

Mrs. Seiderman! Mrs. Seiderman!