Original subtitles

[Larry] Who are you?

I'm Leopold Bloom. I'm an accountant.

I'm from Whitehall and Marks.

I've come here to do your books.

I've come here to do your books.

Oh, Mr. Bloom. I've been expecting you.

No, I've come here to do your books.

- Oh... - Oh. Oh...

- You... - You.

- Have... - Oh, you have...

- Have you? - Huh?

Oh, you have, huh? Okay.

I had it yesterday. I had the whole thing.

We went through the whole play.

I knew it backwards and forwards.

Why am I forgetting it all of a sudden?

Maybe I should go with you

and run lines with you on the plane.

Instead of going in two days, I'll go today with you.

No, it's crazy. It's crazy.

- Will you run lines? - I'll be fine.

You stick to the plan.

You got the NRDC meeting tomorrow.

I want you to go to that.

The environment is a lot more important

than this show, and I want you to do that.

- Thank you, though. - Alright.

What do you think of my plane outfit?

Okay? You like my plane outfit?

- It looks very comfortable. - Huh? It's comfortable, right?

Who's gonna be on the plane with you?

Let's see. Jeff. Uh, David Schwimmer.

Mm, Cady Huffman.

Oh.

Cady Huffman?

What? She plays Ulla in the show.

No, I know who she is.

This is how... It's very obvious

why you don't want me to go.

What? Are you nuts?

"And, uh, Cady Huffman."

- It's like... - What?

Come on. She hates my guts.

I met her at Ben Stiller's party. She couldn't stand me.

You better work fast, my friend.

Yeah.

If you're gonna cash in on this, uh, tenth anniversary gift

you have, what, three days left?

You have some work to do.

How's it going, by the way?

- Has it been going well? - It's okay. It's...

You know, I haven't really been pushing it.

New York's a big place.

This is a good opportunity for you.

Okay, don't worry about it, alright?

- Okay. Yeah. - Okay.

- Oh. - Oh.

- That's it. - Okay.

So, I'll be there opening night, okay?

The next time I'll see you will be after the play

but I'll be there.

- Okay. - Okay? So know that.

- I love you. - I love you.

Bye.

Go get 'em.

- Hey. - Oh, hey.

No Cheryl?

No, she's got that, uh, NRDC meeting.

- Great. - She's not coming till...

- You got three days, man. - Yeah, nothing's--

- Three days. - Nothing's...

You never know.

- Yeah. - You never know.

Three more days.

Till we open too. Isn't that amazing?

- Amazing. - It's the exact same day.

You're gonna be great.

Listen, uh, Cady, uh went to go get some coffee.

Oh, she's here? Yeah?

She's here, and she confided in me something.

- What, she hates my guts? - No.

She has obsessive-compulsive disorder.

- Yeah. - Really?

- Yeah. - Cady has OCD?

I-I-I told her that you have it too.

What the... Are you nuts?

- What's the matter with you? - No, come on. That's funny.

- That's funny? - That's really funny.

She was so excited.

- How stupid. - It was not stupid.

Just a stupid joke to play on somebody.

- Take advantage of-- - Hey, Larry!

- Hi, hi, hi. - Hi, hi, hi. Oh.

Mmm.

Hey, where is the, uh, coffee place?

Uh,123 steps that way.

123 steps I'll be taking.

- I'll see you in a few minutes. - Okay.

Uh, Jeff told me something about you.

Really?

That you have OCD.

Oh, it's okay, 'cause I'm... It's... I have it too.

Isn't that kind of great, though?

- I mean-- - That's unbelievable!

I'd give you five but I don't want to touch your hand.

- I'd have to wash it. - Yeah, me too.

It's just exhausting, isn't it?

- Ugh. - The counting. The cleaning.

Planes can drive me crazy. They can really drive me crazy.

That whole one bag is devoted to soap.

Oh, here's David.

- Hey, David. - Hey.

- Sorry. - How's it going?

- Good, how you doing? - Good, good.

I'm gonna hit the lounge.

What is that, the Admirals Club?

Yeah.

- See you, Cady. - Okay.

I'll see you on the plane.

- Well, I'm all checked in, uh-- - Okay.

- Should I wait for you? - Sure. Yeah.

- Okay, good. - Okay.

Flight attendants, please prepare for departure.

- Hey. - Huh?

Thanks for that OCD story.

- We're really bonding. - Really?

I mean she looks at me like I'm a different person now.

- Wow. - I can't believe it.

- It's amazing. - Really? Good.

Don't you have anything... Do you have anything to read?

Mm, just sit here.

You don't have a magazine or a book? Nothing?

No, I just sit.

How come you didn't bring a book or a magazine?

I don't need one. I like just sitting.

Who could sit on a plane for five hours like that?

- It's crazy. - I can.

[David] Excuse me.

Um, uh, sir, could you please put your seat

in the fully upright position, please?

- Let me ask you a question. - Yes?

Did he tell you to say that?

- Did who tell me what? - That guy right there.

Did he tell you the seat wasn't upright?

I don't know what you're talking about

but we're trying to take off

so I'm gonna need...

I saw him talking to you up there.

Did he tell you my seat--

Sir, let me tell you what I need.

I need you to be quiet and in this seat

with the seat fully up.

- Okay. - That's what I require, okay?

Okay, but I saw him talk--

Did you hear what I require?

- Yes, ma'am. - That's all I require.

"Yes, ma'am." That's very good.

- You're learning quick. - But-but wait a second.

Excuse me?

Would you mind telling me what he said to you up there?

I mean, I saw him whisper to you.

Sir, I'm trying to get to New York.

- Do you want to go with me? - Yes, I do, ma'am.

Then we can't talk any longer.

- I got stuff to do. - Okay.

- Okay? - Okay.

Alright.

Hey, Schwimmer.

Did you tell the stewardess

my seat wasn't in the upright position?

No.

Hmm. Interesting.

Yeah?

What were you talking to her about?

- That's my business. - Just give me a snippet.

No, the discussion I had is privileged.

Can you give me a hint? What's the area?

What could you be talking to a stewardess about?

Did you allude to me?

Ladies and gentlemen, the captain has turned on

the "Fasten seat belt" sign.

If you're up and about the cabin

please return to your seats

and make sure your seatbelts

are securely fastened.

Thank you.

Welcome to the Regency.

- Welcome. - Thanks.

Welcome.

- Hi, how you doing? - Good.

Okay. Alright.

Ah.

You know what? Don't have any small bills.

- I'll get you later. - Okay.

I detect a little skepticism there.

- Um, it's okay. - No, no, no.

- What-what's your name? Tim? - Tim.

- Okay. You're working today? - Yes.

Alright. I'm all over this.

Alright? You'll see. I'll be back.

Sir, the, uh, bellman will bring up

your luggage after you check in.

Oh, okay.

Um...

I only have, uh, big bills.

I'll get you later.

Sir, whatever, whatever pleases you.

- Okay. - That's fine with me.

Do I detect any doubt there? 'Cause I... Huh?

- You'll get it. - No, not from me.

I trust you. I trust you, sir.

- You know what? Here. - Yeah.

This is a better idea.

Here's 20.

Okay, thank you very much, sir.

Split it with Tim. You know Tim outside?

- Split it with Tim? - Yeah, give Tim 10.

Absolutely. Thank you so much.

Okay, very good.

Thanks a lot. Thanks.

Uh, if you're hungry later this evening

there's a lovely restaurant in the lobby called the Library.

I highly recommend it.

- Okay. - Very good food.

Uh, this is your key. Access to your room.

It's a card. This is the card slot.

Uh, simply insert the card into the slot.

There's a beeping. Wait a second.

Firmly apply pressure, and in you go.

That's fascinating.

Uh, some of the amenities, quickly.

Uh, you have a telephone. Dial nine to get out.

- Uh, there's a television here. - Okay, got that.

Just open these.

And you have a remote control

for, uh, power on and off.

- On and off. Copy that. - Channel up and down.

Volume up and down.

- A minibar also, underneath. - Got it. Got it.

Um, thermostat for air temperature control.

[Larry] Yeah, I've seen those.

Uh, bathroom, uh, with shower.

Turn on the water, you go like that with your wrist

and the water comes out?

- Y-yes, yes. - You turn on the water. Okay.

- Uh, the cold is on the right. - Uh-huh. Okay.

- And that's a window? - Yes.

You walk over to it, and-and you can look out.

- Is that what it's for? - Yes.

It's basically, that's what it's for, right?

- Basically, yes. - Alright, excellent.

Excellent. I think I got everything.

I think the floor is for standing.

I think I got it. Kind of complicated.

I'll go over it again. Okay, thank you.

Okay, you're welcome. You're very welcome.

Alright.

I don't have anything for you right now.

I only got, like, 20s.

Sorry. I'll get you tomorrow.

Don't be dubious. Don't be dubious.

- No, no. - You're dubious.

I'm gonna get you tomorrow. Don't...

Thank you very much. Thank you.

- Yeah. - I'll see you outside.

- Um... - Seriously, I will.

- There's no problem. - Okay.

I'm not gonna give you a 20. That's nuts.

That's nutsy, right? Come on.

Sure, it's very nuts. It's crazy.

Have a pleasant evening.

I'm supposed to give you a 20?

Guy will wind up with more money than me

if everybody gave him a 20.

- Hello? Hey. - Hey.

Let's go down and get a drink. Come on.

Uh, I don't know. I just got here.

Who wants to sit in the room? Let's go down. Come on.

I kind of got to go study my lines, I think.

[Jeff] Study your lines?

Come on. You got, like, two days left

until the anniversary gift expires.

I got two days until I open on Broadway.

You know your lines. You're gonna be great.

It's gonna be wonderful. Don't worry about it.

Now you need to go down and meet some gals.

Can't let this run out, my friend.

Alright. Give me a half hour.

Alright. Half hour. I'll see you down there.

- Oh, hi. - Hey.

- Hello. - I'm being very witty.

- Oh, are you? - Yeah.

- As is your won't. - As is my won't.

Larry David, I'm sorry, your name again?

- Christina. - Christina.

- Hello. - Hi.

How do you two know each other?

We are business associates, and, uh--

Yes, yes. We're in business together.

What kind of business are you in together?

- Grooming. - Groo--

- Pet grooming. - Pet grooming?

- Really? Wow. - Pet grooming.

Yeah, we have a truck, and we shampoo dogs.

We have a staff that does it. We sit in the front of the truck.

Do you have a dog?

We groom sometimes with scissors.

- The nails and things? - Horses. Cats.

- Any animal. Bobcats. - What do you really do?

Come on.

He is about to star

in Broadway, on Broadway.

- What, really? - In "The Producers."

- Ah. - In "The Producers"?

Max Bialystock.

- You're kidding. - No.

Why are you making that face?

'Cause I have a tic. I'm going on stage with a tic.

You don't have a tic. I didn't see the tic before.

Come on.

And it's, you know, it could throw off the show.

[Jeff] Ask her what she does.

What do you do?

I'm a fellatio teacher.

- Good. Very good. - Okay, now if--

Now let's be honest here.

If I had made it up, would I have said...

- "Ask what she does?" - I know that you made it up.

- No, it's not like-- - No, I didn't make it up. No.

How much money did he give you to say that?

- No, I wouldn't have said-- - No, it's absolutely true.

[Jeff] I wouldn't have set it up that way.

I'd let you find out on your own.

- Oh, sure. Yeah. - I am a fellatio teacher.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

- That's what you do? - Yes.

- You have classes and-- - I'm an expert.

I don't know how anybody could do that without a blindfold on.

Oh, that's crazy.

It's a grotesque monster, that penis.

No, no, it is not grotesque. Don't even say that.

- Yes. - No. It's beautiful.

And it's sad if somebody doesn't get to experience it, yeah.

Oh, dear God.

Alright. A little Mexicali.

Do you like spicy food?

I love spicy food.

- I, I love spicy food. - I love spicy food.

Did you know

that spicy food makes a man's cum taste delicious?

- I did not know that. - It does.

- I did not know that. - It's true.

Little Johnny did not know that.

Delicious. Oh-ho.

So, I started teaching classes, and--

- Uh-huh. - I wrote a book.

I started realizing that women were just so...

Sort of timid about the whole thing, and I--

You okay?

Just the way I like it.

Hmm.

What's your favorite part of getting a blow job?

Oh.

[Christina] Oof. I don't...

You've got some napkin on your head still.

- Are you drinking that water? - You know what?

That's my, that's my water. That's my...

People are eating.

Yeah, it went down the wrong pipe.

How's the food?

Where do you live?

Live in the city?

Are you using that napkin?

- I think I'm gonna go. - What?

Yeah, I just... I don't feel hungry anymore.

What, really?

I'm feeling a little sick, actually.

Where you going?

You'll never regret this. Thank you.

Thank you, Herr Liebkind.

That's all I'm talking about.

- Hey, hey, what's up? - What's going on?

How much longer do you think this is gonna go on for?

Um, I can't say, really.

You know we open in two days.

You should maybe get some sleep.

You want to be refreshed, don't you?

Yes.

Mm. Dude, have you seen my watch?

I lost my watch, I think, at rehearsal.

It's a black TAG with, uh, three silver things

like three, uh, dials on it.

- Is that Jennifer Aniston? - Seriously, have you seen it?

- Huh? - No.

I don't know what... I didn't see any watch, no.

Hey, you guys made it!

Hey, come on in. Hey. It's alright. Go ahead.

There's sushi on its way, alright?

David, who are you talking to?

Good deal. Nobody.

Okay. Hold on. Hold on.

Um, I'll see you at the meeting tomorrow?

Yeah? Get some sleep, dude.

Seriously, you look a little...

[Larry] How's it coming?

- Almost done, sir. - Yeah?

Yeah.

Freezing in here last night.

I could not turn down that air conditioning.

Yeah, sometimes, you know, they just...

You've got to get in there and fix it

and it'll work again, you know?

- You're a pretty smart guy. - Oh, thank you very much.

I could never do that in a zillion...

I could study for the rest of my life

every day, eight hours a day. I could never do that.

Yeah, for the rest of my life.

- I'm not even kidding. - Maybe. I don't know.

- Ah. - Good morning.

Good morning.

Beautiful. Beautiful.

- There you go, sir. - Thank you.

$53?

It's breakfast.

Yeah, I don't set the prices, sir.

- Eggs. Pancakes. - Yeah.

Juice. Coffee. $53?

Mm-hmm. It's a nice breakfast, yeah.

- Tip is included? - Yeah.

Yeah,18 percent. You just need to sign.

18 percent.

Do people generally give you more

on the, uh, extra bonus tipping?

Yeah, sometimes.

- They do? - Yeah.

Well, I'll give you another 2 percent.

Okay, well, thank you very much.

Alright? Thank you very much.

Thank you. You have a nice day.

Okay, you too.

Pardon me.

- Hey, Andy! - Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

How are you, Mr. Ethel Merman?

- Look who's here. - Look at you. Wow.

Ah, see, I called you. Are you happy?

You called, and here I am.

- Are you coming tomorrow night? - Yeah, of course I'm coming.

Okay, I got one ticket for you.

Okay, how-how are you gonna get it to me?

I'll leave it at "Will call."

Oh, no, it's packed there

especially opening night.

Okay, fine, fine, fine. I'll go there. Okay.

I'll get there early. I'll be fine.

So, how is play practice? How's it going?

- Rehearsal. Rehearsal, yeah. - I call it play practice.

When I was doing "Pippin"

we stayed after school for play practice.

But how is it?

I don't see you doing it at all

but you'll be great.

- You'll be wonderful. - Yeah, thanks.

I didn't know you sang and you danced.

I really don't. You know...

- Wow. - I don't know.

- Oh, look. - Mel Brooks liked me, and...

Really?

Oh, my gosh. You're a star.

- You're gonna be a star. - Oh, stop it.

No. So, what are you doing?

You want to take a ride out to Westchester?

Maybe go look at some open houses?

- You're buying a house? - No, no, no. Open houses.

You just go. You visit, you know?

You just go in. You tour around.

You say, oh, you know

pretend you're buying, but you don't.

Just go drive around to homes?

If you're not buying them, what's the point?

Just to look at the homes?

Yes! Oh, it's beautiful. I mean, you can look all around.

You know what? I can't do it today anyway.

I got-I got to study my lines.

- I-I can't do it. - Okay.

Alright, sir. We're all done.

- Alright. - Yeah.

Excellent job. Thank you.

- Thank you, sir. - Thank you very much.

Thank you. No problem. Okay.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

- Good-bye. - Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Hey, was I supposed to tip that guy?

- The guy fixing that? - Yeah.

Uh-huh. Not-not a lot, but you got to tip him.

Why do I have to tip him? I mean, he's just a...

He came in and fixed something. He's--

That's right, he performed a service

and you tip him for a service.

Of course you do.

This whole tipping thing is just so confusing.

Good morning, Mr. David. Is this a good time to clean up?

Okay. Come on in.

Hey, let me ask you a question.

Did you find that watch on your cart, by any chance?

Yes.

- Really? - Yeah.

I know whose watch that is.

Schwimmer, hey, I hope you get this message.

I found your watch.

You can thank me at the meeting.

Alright. Good-bye.

Hey.

Remember me from yesterday?

Yeah, yeah. Sure.

Everything okay? It's all straightened out?

Straightened out what?

I gave the other doorman

the heavy-set guy with the glasses...

- Yeah. - I gave him $20.

I told him to give you 10.

You didn't get the $10?

- No. - What?

How you doing? How you doing?

Take care.

- He didn't give you any money? - No. Not a dime.

You sure he didn't give you anything?

Yeah, I'm sure.

In other words, he's got the $10 now

and he chose not to give it to you?

Is that what you're saying?

No, that's what you're saying.

I'm saying I didn't get $10 from him.

Mm. Hmm.

Okay.

Alright.

Fine.

- Here you go. - Thank you.

- Thank you very much. - You're welcome.

This means a lot.

Tell you, Sanjay over there

was a little upset this morning.

You didn't... You know, you didn't take care of him.

Take care of him? He's a repairman.

Well, yeah, but, you know, he helped you out and you didn't--

He helped me out? He works for the hotel.

My air-conditioning wasn't-wasn't working.

I didn't have a good night's sleep.

What am I supposed to do?

Just maybe wanted a little something.

Can you have any kind of conversation with you people

without it ending up with a financial exchange?

Well, yes, but, you know, like I said--

Alright.

Excuse me.

Oh. Hello, sir.

I was talking to Tim over there.

He says you were a little upset this morning

that you didn't get some kind of, uh, gratuity.

A little perturbed, yeah. A little, yeah.

- Really? - Yeah. Sure, yeah.

That's your job, San ji.

You know, it's just like, "Hey, I appreciate this."

You know, common courtesy sometimes.

You just... "Hey, thank you."

Common courtesy? Really?

You know, I put in the time

you know, fixed the air for you.

Well, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do for you.

- Yeah, yeah. - Okay?

You know the show "The Producers"?

Sure, yeah, yeah. Big, big show.

Okay. I'm in the show.

I'm gonna get some tickets today

and I'll give you a ticket, how about that?

- Yeah, I'll take a ticket. - So we're square, right?

Yeah, we are. That's good karma for you.

- Alright, San ji. - Hey, that's good.

- Sanjay. - Okay. Sanjay.

Thank you.

- Excuse me. Hey. - Excuse us.

Could I ask you a favor?

Would you please take our photograph?

- Thank you. - Yeah.

I'm not really very good at this stuff.

- Here we go. - It's no big deal.

It's just a point-and-click.

- Alright. - But you got to turn it around.

- Oh. Okay. - Thank you.

But, uh, do it horizontally.

Okay, you know what?

It actually works a lot better like this

'cause I get all the background.

I see the buildings. I see the signs.

Okay, but just take it horizontally

and if I want it vertical, I'll Photoshop it

and this way, I have the option.

- So just do it horizontally. - Alright.

I mean, if you saw what I see, you would definitely--

I got it up here. Just take it horizontally.

Well, honey, maybe he's right.

You get the whole city feel.

Yeah, I see the whole background.

Don't do this, okay?

John, I was just--

You are constantly undermining

every decision I've made on this trip.

Okay, sir, you know what?

There's not a single thing I can do to please you

since we got off the goddamn airplane!

Why don't you guys work this out, okay?

- Seriously. - Oh, so no photo?

So you're out? That's it?

- Oh, my God. - Yeah, I'm out. I'm out.

- Okay. Thanks. - Excuse me, is that you?

- That's the actor in the show. - Yeah.

We just picked up our tickets.

We're seeing you, the show...

Oh, you're in the show tomorrow night?

Great. Oh, I can't wait!

Because you

will fail!

- Where's Max Bialystock? - Absolutely. Absolutely.

And you take him into confidence here...

He'll be here. He'll be here.

- Mel, I really-- - Hello.

- Hello, Larry. - Hey, how are you?

♪ Larry David ♪

♪ And you're dangerously near me ♪

♪ It's Larry David ♪♪

I'm so glad you're here.

- Hey, Norm. Susie. - Hey, Larry.

How're you doing today?

Susan Stroman's the best director.

I don't... You're so lucky you got her.

- Oh, yes. - Look!

I got the lenses put in my Max glasses.

- Check it out. - Great. Great.

[Susan] Oh, it's great.

- You love that? - Absolutely.

- My father wears these. - I love them. I love them.

Good. Okay. You think they work.

Well, okay.

I got your message, by the way.

- Thank you so much. - You're welcome.

My watch. He found my watch.

- Oh! - Fantastic.

[David] I lost it yesterday sometime.

- Anyway, thank you so much. - That's great.

- Oh, do you have it now? - That's fantastic.

- That's a relief. - I know.

[Susan] All during rehearsal, he was going like this

"Where's my watch? Where's my watch?"

Did you leave it at the hotel?

[Larry] What the hell is going on here?

Are you kidding, or you really found it?

No, I found it, and I

and I had it in my pocket.

- This is-- - Did you look, maybe...

Remember putting it in your pockets or...

I put it in this jacket pocket.

- That jacket? - What, you lost the watch?

Oh, gee, I guess I lost the watch.

- I-I'm sorry. - You lo...

[Norm] So maybe it's in the cab.

It could drop out of the pocket.

Well, if that happened, then...

[Mel] Did you take your jacket off in the cab?

No.

I'm just trying to comprehend this.

You-you lost my watch that you had

less than an hour ago in your hands, correct?

Yeah. Sorry.

- Well, you owe me a watch. - What are you, nuts?

You didn't even have a watch to begin with

so you're in the same position you were

and there's no change.

It's a little different. You had my watch.

You had possession of my watch, and now you don't.

- A lost watch. - He's right.

The watch was lost, so it continues to be lost.

- What can I say? I'm-- - You can say-you can say...

"I'm sorry, and I'll buy you a new watch."

- Buy you a new watch? - Yeah.

[Mel] There was no, there was no...

It was a lost watch.

You didn't have the watch, right?

Absolutely. No.

He found the watch, so he had the watch.

- Yes. - The watch was there.

- He had it. - David lost the watch.

David lost the watch.

- Yes. - Who found the watch?

Why is David this upset now?

He's upset...

I don't know why David's this upset now.

Because it's not your watch.

He did not intentionally lose it!

Well, no, 'cause he lost it first.

- Maybe he should-- - Possession is 9/10--

if the watch had never been lost--

Hey hey, hey. Alright. Alright. Alright.

- Alright. We must go on here. - Forget about it.

We have a show to do.

Max and Leo have got to get along.

The whole point of the show

is that Max and Leo love each other.

That's the success of this musical

is that journey

that you not only become successful producers

you become wonderful friends.

Now, we can't let what has happened here

come into this show.

- She's right. - Don't have to worry about me.

- Alright? - What are you doing?

I'm just arranging some--

It looks like you're building

a sandcastle on the table.

[Norm] Let's start to read.

[Susan] Now, uh, fellas.

The one thing I wanted to talk about was that opening scene.

Oh, you know what? I just-I just got to wash my hands.

I'll be right back.

[Susan] I don't know. We need to get started.

- Have you noticed? - Let me say one thing.

Have you noticed him doing stuff like this?

I have noticed, and he's washing his hands...

[Norm] He's compulsive beyond belief.

[Susan] More and more.

Some people get nervous. They wash their hands.

It's a quirk. It's a quirk.

You know, people have quirks.

[Larry] Okay.

[Susan] Alright. So, now, about that first scene.

The thing is, you have to drive that scene forward.

- Larry? - Yeah.

[Susan] Yes so you've got

to pick up the cues.

Alright, why don't we go to page nine in the script?

See if we can get started here.

You know, it's not like...

It's not like I lost it on purpose, did I?

I know. He's, like, a little crazy or something.

Did I take his watch and throw it in the river or something?

I mean, of course I wanted to keep the watch.

I was excited I got it for him.

I know. I didn't...

I didn't understand that.

- That's so crazy. - Oh, you know, so crazy.

So crazy.

Larry!

Oh!

♪ Opening night ♪

♪ It's opening night ♪

I don't know what I was thinking about!

I can't do this! Nathan, I'm crazy!

I can't! Why did I--

Stop it! Just stop it!

I said stop it!

Now, stand up!

Take this, and go out there!

You can do it!

Don't even look back!

Oy.

- Hey. - You want to go over there?

- What, to the theater? - Yeah.

Are you crazy? It's... We got, like, an hour and a half.

I thought I'd get there a little earlier.

No, I'm gonna do some stretching.

- Alright. - You do any kind of warm-up.

Warm-up?

Like what? What do you mean?

Like stretching.

- Stretching? - Never mind.

Hey what about, um...

How do you feel about reimbursing me for the watch?

It seems to me your watch was missing.

I mean, we've gone over this

but if I didn't find your watch in the first place

then it's not mine to lose.

Who had it last?

You're in the same position now as when I started.

So why am I getting blamed for it?

I just don't... I mean, you had it.

- You lost your watch. - Let's not get into it.

- We have a show to do. - Okay, fine. Alright.

- Okay? Alright. - Okay. Yeah.

- By the way... - Yeah?

You did tell the stewardess that my seat

wasn't in the upright position, right?

Okay. I'll see you, okay?

[Cady] Larry David. Hi!

- I'm a nervous wreck. - Oh, no. This'll be exciting.

- What did I do this for? - You're gonna be great.

I'm gonna destroy your entire show.

- Don't you understand? - Oh, please, no.

You're doing a great job.

The people, they're gonna love you.

You're gonna get out there and have...

Why are they gonna love me? People dislike me intensely.

'Cause you're great. Oh.

The audience is not gonna love me.

Yes, they are gonna love you.

Mel never would have let you do the show.

What are you doing here so early?

Oh, I have to get here early every single night.

I do have rituals.

- Oh, you got some OCD stuff. - Yeah, lots of 'em.

- Really? What do you got? - Lots of 'em. Oh God.

Pacing. Then I have petal counting.

I think I'm gonna bang my head against the wall

maybe 50 times.

You don't want to do that, Larry.

No, I do. I'm gonna bang it against...

Well, 'cause my mother used to say that to me

when I was growing up.

You know, "Go bang your head against the wall."

And I took it literally. And I did.

I used to bang it against the wall.

I think that's why I got this condition

in the first place

'cause I would listen to my mother.

Thank you, by the way.

That was so sweet of you

with the guy with the handbag.

That was dangerous.

That was really dangerous.

- I didn't think so. - Oh.

- Honestly. - No, you're so sweet.

You know, I didn't even think twice about it.

Honest to God. It was the right thing to do.

Well, thanks. That doesn't happen much.

If I didn't go into show business

I was-I was gonna become a fireman.

- Hmm. - Alright.

I've been thinking about that

10th anniversary present of yours.

You want to come in?

Sure.

Close the door.

- What is that? What is that? - What?

- What is that? What is that? - What?

- What? - Is that Bush?

Yeah.

You got a picture of Bush in your dressing room?

Yeah.

[Larry] Mm.

You're a Republican?

Yes, Larry. I'm a Republican.

Ugh.

[Jeff] What the fuck were you thinking?

A picture of Bush? Who gives a flying fuck?

I'd fuck her with a Bush mask on!

You think these glasses are okay?

Did I... I think I made a mistake.

I look like I'm about 85 years old in this costume.

I swear to God. Look at me.

No, you look great.

Who the hell's that?

Hello?

Andy, they're in the "Will..."

They're at the "Will call" window!

What? What are you talking? Of course, I left them there!

Are-are you crazy? I can't go.

I got my costume on. I'm not gonna go out there.

Quiet down. Alright.

I'll be there in a minute.

Stupid cousin Andy, you know?

The ticket, they don't have it at the "Will call" window.

Shit. Do me a favor. Help me with this, will you?

How did you get this on? I can't even figure it out.

- I know. - Let me go down.

- I'll go down. - I can't.

I got to take care of this.

- They don't have 'em. - What?

They don't have my tickets. I asked.

Shh. Quiet down. Quiet down.

Well, I-well, I told you.

Why didn't you give them to me at the hotel?

- Give them to me-- - Did you mention my name?

But how would I know to ask your name?

You said they'd be under my name.

Honest to God. This is...

Excuse me. I'm sorry. Excuse me.

- Hey, hey, hey. - You got to get... What?

Hey, there's a line here.

No, no I just, I just need one-one ticket.

I know, but there's a line here.

- Go to the back of the line. - No, no.

I'm in the show. I'm Bialystock.

I don't care who you are.

Go to the back of the line!

- Thank you. - That is so rude.

- Alright, here. - Thank you.

Thank you very much. Okay.

I'll see you after, okay? We'll go for coffee.

- Hey! - Hello.

- Hey, thank you for the ticket. - Ah, you're very welcome.

Very kind. It has your name on it even.

Larry David. That's you, huh?

Oh, yeah. Almost showtime, huh?

[Larry] Where'd you get that watch?

Oh, I found it.

Yeah, in the hotel, right?

Yeah, yeah. I found it in the hotel.

Yeah, okay. Alright.

Okay, I'm-I'm sorry to tell you this

but that's David Schwimmer's watch.

No no, I found it. It's my watch.

Yeah, no, I know you found it.

You found it in the hotel, right?

- Yes, yes. - Yeah. Okay.

- It belongs to David Schwimmer. - No, no.

- Finders keepers. - Finders keepers?

No, no, not finders keepers. That's not right.

- No, I found it. - No, I know you did.

- But it's not your watch. - It's finders keepers.

It's my watch now.

It's my watch. It's my...

Okay. Okay, fine.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

- Hey! Honey! - Hey!

What are you doing in the lobby

20 minutes before the show fighting with a Sikh?

I-I-I, it's too long a story. I got to get out of here, honey.

I can't talk now. I'm so sorry.

Okay. Okay. Happy anniversary.

- Happy anniversary. - Happy anniversary.

And how did it go?

How did the, uh, anniversary gift go?

Did you cash in?

- Oh. - Alas, I did not.

It didn't happen?

But I'll still have an hour after the show ends.

- Okay. Yeah. - So don't count me out yet.

No, no, no. You still have an hour.

Okay. You should get going.

Good luck.

I got to go.

- Hey. - Hey.

What are you...

Are you kidding?

Huh? Look a little familiar?

Give me. Give me. Where did you...?

How? What happened?

One of the maintenance guys from the hotel had it on.

Out in the lobby. I had to wrestle him for it.

Ah, thank you. Thank you.

I'm sorry about, uh, I mean, maybe I went a little, uh--

Well, I went too. I'm sorry too.

Well...

Hey, break a leg.

You too, man.

Hey, let me ask you something.

All water under the bridge, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just for my own edification...

What did you say to that stewardess?

Just... did you tell her about the seat not being upright?

What?

You're really something.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no. I can't...

S-T-U-N-N-E-D!

Stunned! You guys are terrific.

- You look great. - Oh.

You look like Bialystock

and you look like Bloom.

- What's your first line? - Uh...

"The reviews come out a lot faster

when the critics leave at intermission."

- Perfect! - Okay.

And your first when you come in and he scares you?

Yeah, uh, "Scared. Can't talk."

Perfect. This is gonna be fabulous.

- Thank you for everything. - Break legs. Break everything.

O-V-E-R-T-U-R-E! Hear it? Overture.

- Here we go. - Okay. Good luck.

- Don't break anything. - Enjoy.

Great.

♪ Opening night ♪

♪ It's opening night ♪

♪ It's Max Bialystock's latest show ♪

♪ Will it flop, or will it go? ♪

♪ The cast is taking its final bow ♪

♪ Here comes the audience now ♪

♪ The doors are open ♪

♪ They're on their way ♪

♪ Let's hear what they have to say ♪

♪ He's done it again ♪

♪ He's done it again ♪

♪ Max Bialystock has done it again ♪

♪ We can't believe it ♪

♪ You can't conceive it ♪

♪ How'd he achieve it? ♪

♪ It's the worst show in town ♪

♪ We sat there sighing ♪

♪ Groaning and crying ♪

♪ There's no denying ♪

♪ It's the worst show in town ♪

♪ Oh we wanted to stand up and hiss ♪

♪ We've seen shit but never like this ♪

♪ Max Bialystock has done it again ♪

♪ The songs were rotten ♪

♪ The book was stinkin' ♪

♪ What he did to Shakespeare, Booth did to Lincoln ♪

We have these 'specially made up

for Max Bialystock.

♪ We couldn't leave faster ♪

♪ What a disaster ♪

♪ We are still in shock ♪

♪ Who produced this schlock? ♪

♪ That slimy sleazy ♪

♪ Max Bialystock ♪♪

What a bum!

The reviews come out a lot faster

when the critics leave at intermission.

"By the end of "Funny Boy"

"Max Bialystock's hopeless new musical of Hamlet

"everybody is dead.

They were the lucky ones."

And this is the best review we got!

♪ I used to be the king ♪

The king!

♪ The king of old Broadway ♪

It's good to be the king.

♪ My praises they would sing ♪

♪ A Ziegfeld so they'd say ♪

♪ My shows were always filled with class ♪

♪ The best champagne would fill my glass ♪

♪ My lap was filled with gorgeous ass ♪

♪ You couldn't call me crass in any way ♪

♪ We believe you ♪

♪ Thousands wouldn't ♪

♪ We believe you ♪

♪ Every word ♪

♪ We believe you ♪

♪ Thousands couldn't ♪

♪ We believe each word we've heard ♪

Such reviews.

How dare they insult me in this manner?

How quickly they forget.

I am Max Bialystock!

The first producer ever

to do summer stock in the winter!

♪ Once he was a king ♪

You've all heard of theater in the round?

You're looking at the man

who invented theater in the square.

Nobody had a good seat!

♪ King of old Broadway ♪

I spent my entire life in the theater.

I was a protege

of the great Boris Thomas chef sky.

Yes, he taught me everything I know.

I'll never forget.

He turned to me on his deathbed

and said, "Maxella..."

What does that mean?

I don't know. I don't speak Yiddish.

Strangely enough, neither did he.

In my heart, I knew what he was saying.

He was saying when you're down and out

and everybody thinks you're finished,

that's the time to stand on your two feet and shout

"Who do you got to fuck to get a break in this town?"

Hey!

Hey!

♪ Fame is in my sights again ♪

♪ I'll take those fancy flights again ♪

♪ I'm gonna scale the heights again ♪

♪ Bialystock will never drop ♪

♪ Bialystock will never stop ♪

♪ Bialystock will be on top again ♪

♪ Fame is in his sights again ♪

♪ He'll take those fancy flights again ♪

♪ He's gonna scale the heights again ♪

♪ He'll be on top again ♪

Hey!

Hello?

Anybody here?

Mr. Bialystock?

- Ahh! - Huh!

Who are you?

What do you want?

What are you doing here?

Speak to me, dummy.

Speak!

Why don't you speak?

Scared. Can't talk.

Alright. Calm down.

Relax. Get a hold of yourself.

Take a deep breath.

Who are you?

I'm Leopold Bloom. I'm an accountant.

I'm from Whitehall and Marks.

I've come here to do your books.

Oh, you have, have you?

Now, let's see.

If we add these deductions

we get, uh...

Oh, it's absolutely amazing

but under the right circumstances

a producer could make more money with a flop

than he could with a hit.

Yes it's quite possible.

If he were certain that the show would fail

a man could make a fortune!

Yes?

- Yes what? - What you were saying?

- Keep talking. - What was I saying?

You were saying that under the right circumstances...

You were saying...

That under the right circumstances...

[Bloom] What was I saying?

[Bialystock] That under the right circumstances...

Under the right circumstances...

...what?

That's the question.

What?

Boy, you got a nice

healthy head of hair there, you know that?

Look at that!

It's like a pelt!

Uh, I didn't really get

the good shave today, you know?

I don't know why. I'm an excellent shaver.

Feel this cheek. Bloom, feel that cheek.

It's like a tush. Is that not a tush?

I got a tushy cheek.

- Um, it's-- - Boy, oh, boy.

[Bloom] Please, Mr. Bialystock.

Um...

I've discovered that a man

could make more money with a flop

than he could with a hit. Does...

Does that bring any scheme to mind?

[Bialystock] Yeah.

Ever play this game?

- I'm sorry. - I can kind of work--

[Andy] I'm sorry. You don't come to the theater with a hat.

- Ever do that one? - No.

[Andy] You don't wear a hat to the theater!

- It's not a hat, sir. - Take your hat off!

- I won't take my turban off! - I can't see what's...

- What I'm seeing. - That is not my fault.

No, he gave me the tickets.

You need to calm down and try to watch.

No! No! Oh, fine. You just watch!

[Sanjay] Everybody, ha-ha, okay, hmm. I watch, you don't.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is my cousin, Andy.

It may come as no surprise to you to learn

that he is the product of incest.

Of course, among friends and relatives

Andy is known by his affectionate nickname

the primary reason for anti-Semitism.

Unfortunately, I know from experience

the only way we're gonna get him to calm down

is to put a Swanson frozen dinner on his lap.

Wait, let's go back.

- Yeah, let's go. - This is funny.

[Bialystock] I know he's quite partial to

the Salisbury steak.

You know, there might be, uh, an upside

to this whole experience

because, uh, if any of you are

looking for an apartment in New York

and I know they're very hard to find

Andy is subletting his mouth.

There's a lot of room in there.

A lot of room.

I know there was a Taliban living in there, uh

but he left, and, uh, he's now renting some space

under the Sikh's turban.

But the turban, it has all kinds of

practical applications.

It's a tourniquet.

It makes a lovely sash.

Say you want to have an impromptu game

of Pin the Tail on the Donkey.

You've got a blindfold.

Alright, what was I saying?

What was I saying?

What was I saying?

You were saying...

...that under the right circumstances

a producer could make more with a flop

than he could with a hit.

- It's quite possible. - Yes.

You keep saying that, but you don't say how.

Well, it's simply a matter of creative accounting.

Let's assume for a moment that you are a dishonest man.

Assume away.

Did you see the look on their faces

when Larry David forgot every line he had?

He went up, up in smoke!

Oh, God, I'm so glad. Oh, I'm so thankful.

Thank God that this damn play is gonna be over.

We're gonna get our lives back.

He has freed us from the anchor,

from the albatross of "The Producers..."

Right. Right.

Which has invaded our lives

every single minute, every hour of every day!

- Trapping us! - No more openings in Cleveland!

No more sleeping in dirty beds in Pittsburgh!

We're free! Free at last!

- I know. - Isn't it wonderful?

How did you know that he could ruin the show? How?

The minute I laid eyes on him

I said, "This guy's a disaster.

"He's a living dis... he's a storm.

"He's like a storm that will destroy

everything in its path."

I mean, he-he's got this gift.

Everything he touches, he dooms.

He's a little cyclone, a little tornado

destroying the St. James Theatre.

- I know. - Any minute now...

The show will be dead.

- Ha-ha! - Here! A toast!

To the death of "The Producers."

May it rest in peace.

Innkeeper! innkeeper!

Another round of drinks here!

As a matter of fact

another round of drinks for everybody in the place.

Here's to failure!

Oh, thank you.

That's very kind of you.

Partners, Leo.

All the way.

And nothing or no one will ever come between us.

Nothing or no one, Max!

Come in.

Bialystock and Bloom?

- What? - Oh, excuse me.

Swedish.

Costing today?

Costing? Cost...

Cost-cost...

Oh. Casting!

Um, no, I'm-I'm sorry, uh, miss.

T-there's no casting today.

Actually...

...there very well could be casting today.

Come in. Come in.

Ah, fuck!

♪ Honeymoon ♪

♪ Honeymoon honeymoon ♪

♪ Keep a-shining in June ♪

♪ Keep a-shining in June ♪

♪ Your silvery beams will bring love dreams ♪

♪ We'll be cuddling soon ♪

♪ Ra ta-ta ta-ta ♪ ♪ Take me out ♪

♪ By the silvery moon ♪

Funniest thing I ever...

It's intermission. Quick, hide your faces.

They'll tear us to pieces.

- I'll have a Manhattan. - Two whiskey sours.

So far, this is about the funniest thing

I've seen on Broadway.

I've never laughed so hard in my life.

- Absolutely hysterical. - I thought I'd split my sides.

Honey, don't panic.

There are a lot of shows on this street.

They may not necessarily be talking

about Larry David and "The Producers."

Who would have guessed Larry David

would be so hysterical?

Hey, let's get back.

If he's as brilliant in the second act

as he is in the first, this show's

gonna run for another five years!

Got to think. I got to think.

No way out.

No way out.

- No way out. - Honey.

- No way out. - Listen.

- No way out. - Honey, honey, listen.

This is-this is a small portion of the audience.

Let's go back and see what the majority has to say.

- The majority? - Yes.

- Sure, let's go. - The majority.

Come on. Let's hear from the majority.

- Let's hear from the majority. - The majority.

Yes, we'll-we'll hear from the majority.

- This is the majority? - This is the majority.

♪ Leo and Max ♪

♪ Up off our backs ♪

♪ Back on the great white way ♪

♪ Leo and Max ♪

♪ Back on our tracks ♪

♪ We're back on top to stay ♪

♪ So when we take your money never fear ♪

♪ We'll knock Broadway right on its ear ♪

♪ The cast is great the script is swell ♪

♪ But this we're telling you sirs ♪

♪ It's just no go you've got no show ♪

♪ Without the producers ♪

♪ We'll never quit ♪

♪ Hit after hit ♪

♪ You and me-o ♪

♪ We guarantee-o ♪

♪ You're looking at Leo and Max ♪

♪ The producers ♪

♪ Leo and Max ♪

♪ Ahh ♪♪