Original subtitles

What does it take to be

a "Girls Gone Wild" girl?

You have to show your !

- Go! - One, two...

Those girls from Cancun are wild.

Yes, they are, but if you want to see how wild

they really get, you've gotta get the video.

- Hello? - Hey.

- Hey. - Channel 57.

Yeah, I got... I'm watching.

- Ho-ho-ho-ho! - What's going on in the world?

[Jeff] They're college girls and they're wild.

- They've gone wild. - They've gone wild.

[Jeff] They've gone wild. We gotta have it.

- Okay. - I ca... I can't have it...

Sent to my house. Susie'll kill me.

I don't want it sent here.

- How about your office? - Okay, good, my office.

Okay, I'll order it on the phone.

- Okay. - Okay, bye.

"'Ultimate Spring Break" absolutely free.'

You won't believe the uncensored insanity...

- Larry? - As our cam...

- And so unlike most... - Oh.

Um, have you seen my PalmPilot?

PalmPilot? It's not here, no.

- What are you watching? - Just flipping around.

Um, what are we doing

about the poison oak in the backyard?

I thought you were supposed to be taking care of that.

Um, Jeff's got this Indian guy.

They're immune to it. Wandering Bear, yeah.

- Okay. - Um...

I'm gonna see Jeff tomorrow. I'll mention it to him.

- Okay. - I'll take care of it.

- Okay. Okay. - Okay, okay.

And um, while we're here, have you noticed

that we have not had sex in a very long time?

Cheryl, I'm watching this thing about hippos.

Listen, this is the longest we've gone

since we've been married.

Well, I had the dog bite, you know.

I know. That was a while ago.

- It's better, isn't it? - Yeah.

But you know, you went off the pill.

What are we supposed to do?

So we use condoms or something.

I can't use condoms. First of all

I'm embarrassed to buy 'em, and I'm not good at it.

Why don't we do this?

I'll call and make an appointment for you

to have a vasectomy, and then we don't have to

worry about this any longer.

- Ha-ha. Okay, fine. - No, no, but I want you--

I'll get the condoms. I'll get the condoms.

- Okay. - Okay.

So have you seen my PalmPilot?

It's not here. It's downstairs.

- I think it's downstairs. - Okay.

See and hear underwater

and they're well insulated.

Don't miss the videos everyone's talking about.

"'Girls Gone Wild Ultimate Spring Break"'

on video or DVD for just $9.99.

Yes, I was, uh

I was thinking about ordering the tape, the videotape...

...about the college girls and the wild-the wildness.

They're going wild or something.

Somebody told me about going wild.

Hey.

What's the matter?

Marvin and I broke up.

I mean, I can't believe it, Larry, I can't believe it.

How come?

I-I just... I can't say.

- It's too personal. - Too personal?

I just don't understand, Larry.

I mean, I just don't understand why it happened.

Everything was going so well.

You know? I mean, I thought we were gonna maybe get married.

I just, I didn't see this coming at all.

I mean how can things be going so well one day

and you're planning a trip, and then the next day it's over?

What are those, Mentos?

Mmm. Boy, that's really good.

That is a hell of a candy, you know that?

How do they get the essence of orange like that?

I-it's amazing, just with chemicals.

Well, I got a couple of things...

...for you to do.

I need you to get some cash for me

and I got a corn. I need some Freezone.

- I hope that'll get rid of it. - Mm-hmm.

- One ounce or two? - And get some MENTOS for me.

Fill up my car with mints and gum and good fresh breath stuff.

Lot of fresh, freshness.

So, I'll just reach into the well and

I'll just have an unlimited good-breath supply.

And, uh, cancel lunch with, uh, Jason Small for me.

Okay, cancel lunch, and why?

I don't know just tell him it's my mother's unveiling

or something.

Okay, so lie and then get some treats for the car?

Yeah.

Anything else?

Well your mail's here.

"Girls Gone Wild," Larry?

Hey, what are you doing opening my mail?

I thought it was my mail. I ordered a Pilates video.

Well, look, it says "Larry David" on it, doesn't it?

Well, I was a little distracted.

Anyway it's not for me, it's for Jeff, so you're open--

- For Jeff? - Yeah.

Come on. "Girls Gone Wild?" Do you know how--

It's supposed to be "College Girls Gone Wild," isn't it?

Oh, "College Girls Gone Wild," that's even better

they're younger. Crazy girls.

Yeah, "College Girls Gone Wild."

Do you know what that does to women?

Terrible, I agree with you. It's terrible.

Do Jeff a favor and throw that away.

I'm gonna talk to him. I intend to talk to him.

Good, Larry.

Why the hell does he need this stuff?

- Hey. - Hey.

I, uh... got you what you need.

Everlast condoms, my friend.

- Hey. - The best in the business.

Really? Oh, thank you.

With those babies you're never gonna stop.

- Never gonna stop? - Never gonna stop.

Well, I want a condom called "get it over with."

- Not Everlast? - Yeah.

How long you think I want to do that for?

I don't know, all night long, I would've guessed.

- It gets boring, come on. - Fucking's boring?

It doesn't get boring after a while?

- Uh, uh... It's a bore. - No, it doesn't get boring.

It doesn't get boring.

- Ha-ha-ha! - What is it?

It's enough, in and out.

These things, by the way, really give me problems anyway.

- I don't know what-- - Why? You just roll it on.

- Can't get 'em on! - Come on, they fit me.

Ah, you gotta get 'em on so fast, you know?

Who's timing you?

Mm.

They'll make you a different kind of man.

So, they really make you, like, last? Everlast?

All night long.

Well, thank you for getting 'em for me.

I'm too embarrassed to go to the drugstore.

- I couldn't do it. - Well, my pleasure.

Hey, remember that Indian you were telling me about?

- Yeah, Wandering Bear. - I need his number.

[Jeff] I'll be glad to give it to you.

But don't say you got it from me. He's pissed off at me.

- 'Cause Susie doesn't want me... - Really?

To pay him because he went $200 over the estimate.

But it's an estimate.

- It's an estimate! - Well...

Hey, what's going on with your gal

down the hall there? She's crying and--

Well, I'm having a lot of problems with her.

You know, first of all...

...her boyfriend broke up with her.

Yeah?

And frankly, I'd like to do the same.

Why don't you fire her?

- I can't. - Why?

Because she knows everything about me.

She knows my dietary habits.

She knows about all my web of lies and bullshit and deceit.

She knows more about me than Cheryl does.

You can't fire her.

- She'll destroy me. - You're trapped.

I'm trapped for life, and she has no, she doesn't

wanna do anything else with her life, this is it.

Oh, dear God, you're trapped.

You know what else she knows?

She knows about this, my friend.

Oh, man, it came!

Wow, "College Girls Gone Wild." Look at that.

You know what, we can go to my house and watch it.

Oh, yeah, we'll have, like, an "Auto Focus" party.

- Ha-ha-ha! - "Auto Focus" party?

I got the big screen, we can watch it.

Which character are you gonna be?

- I'm Bob Crane. - Ha-ha! You're Bob Crane?

I'm Bob... You can be the freakish guy.

- I'll be Willem Dafoe. - You'll be Willem Dafoe.

He's a freak.

It's the hottest "Girls Gone Wild" video ever.

I'm having so much trouble with these glasses.

You know, I got these blended bifocals.

- Yeah. - And I can't get...

I can't get used to them.

Just watch.

You know what? I wanna go to the car

and get my other glasses, okay?

- Go ahead. - Alright, so...

Just pause it for... I'll be back in two seconds.

No, I'm not gonna pause it.

What do you mean you're not gonna pause it?

I'm not a pauser. I don't like pausing!

Okay, let's see 'em.

Eh you're just not being very fair.

Fine!

Hurry up!

- Oh. - Ready?

- Yeah, that's more like it. - Okay.

Have you seen Oscar?

No.

Oscar!

Did you leave the door open?

Yeah, when I--

Goddamn it!

What, I...

- Oscar! - Oscar!

Oscar!

Oscar!

Oskie!

Oscar!

- See that? - What?

I waved to a guy in a Prius and he didn't wave back.

I don't wave to people with the same car as me.

Well, we're Prius drivers, we're a special breed.

- Special breed. - You know what?

I wanna see what's up with that guy.

See what's up with that guy? What are you doing?

What are you gonna do after you catch him?

- Nothin'. - Oh, my God!

Oscar.

[Jeff] Oscar!

Oh, my God, are you okay?

- Oskie? - He seems okay.

Oskie, are you okay, boy?

He's not bleeding or anything.

Let me see if he can stand. Come on.

Stand up, Oskie.

Oh, yeah.

He seems fine.

Oh.

What do you want to do? Should we take him to the vet?

He seems okay.

He actually does seem okay.

Alright, we'll go back to the house

we'll put the video in, watch it

and the whole time we'll monitor Oscar.

Yeah, we'll watch... we'll watch the video

and we'll keep an eye on him at the same time.

I'm not saying don't take him to the vet, but if he needs to.

Yeah, we'll... Right, we'll watch the video

and monitor him.

Video and monitor, that's it.

Alright, let's get him in the car.

- Come on. Come on, Oskie. - Come on, come on.

Hey, do not tell anyone about this, anyone.

Yeah, well, he knows about it. Good thing he can't talk.

Come on, pal, hop in.

- He seems okay. - Seems fine.

- Huh, is it my imagination? - No, he seems fine.

- I think he seems okay. - Yeah.

I got news for ya. I don't even think I hit him.

I don't think you hit him either.

I didn't-I did not hit that dog.

Yeah, you did not hit that dog.

Hey, let's make a pact right now.

If we notice anything wrong while we're watching this tape

we're gonna stop the tape and take him to the vet.

- Immediately. - Immediately.

Let's go.

See, it pays to lay off that sex for a while.

You know, kind of reminds me

of when Mantle was injured in '63.

He's out for about two months, comes back first at bat

out of the park, home run.

Huh? Think it's kind of similar.

What?

There's something really...

...strange happening.

I am completely numb.

Yeah.

- Down there? - Yeah.

I can't feel anything.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Hmm. - I don't know why.

This has never happened before.

Well, got something to do with the condom?

I don't know why it would.

"Everlast... lasts all night.

"Contains the numbing agent...

...lidocaine."

What?

I must have put it on inside out.

Inside out? Honestly, you don't know how to put this on?

I just, I didn't know how... no, I put it on

I slipped it on the way you're supposed to put it on.

15-year-old boys do it every day.

- Well, I don't know. - It's not hard!

I don't use it that often. I just slipped it on the way I

there's no instructions or anything.

- I rolled it down. - Obviously, there's a wrong...

...way and a right way.

You're the one who wanted to wear the condom.

You didn't tell me you didn't know how to put it on, Larry.

- Jesus. - I didn't know you could...

...put it on inside out!

- Hello? - Hey.

[Larry] Hey, that condom you gave me?

- Everlast? - Yeah?

There's something wrong with that thing.

What?

I put it on inside out by mistake.

Now Cheryl's all numb in her vagina.

Don't you know how to put a rubber on?

It's dark in the room! Who can read?

I can't start looking at the package

and reading instructions!

How could you have done that?

I knew there was something uncomfortable about it.

Couldn't... It was really, like, squeezing the life out of me.

They're designed to go the other way, and

and then you last and you last.

Have you ever heard of this before?

- What? - The numb vagina?

We got bigger problems than a numb vagina.

- What? - Oscar is not good.

He's just lethargic as can be

and his-his bark is, like... emasculated.

You think it's from the incident?

Yes, I think it has something to do with the incident.

- Jeffrey! - Susie knows something's...

...going down. I'm telling you.

[Susie] Jeffrey, where the hell are you?

Well, you listen and you listen good.

You keep that trap shut. You read me?

[Susie] What did you do to this dog?

Alright, listen, Susie's yelling.

I gotta get going, all right? I'm sorry about Cheryl's vagina.

- I'll-I'll talk to you later. - Jeffrey, what's wrong...

- ...with him? - Bye.

Hey!

How is it?

Feels like it's been shot with novocaine.

- Oh, my God. - There's nothing.

[Larry] I'm really sorry.'

Hey, Wandering Bear.

How's it going?

Good.

Okay.

Hey, I'm sorry about that situation with Jeff and Susie.

You should just go there and demand that they pay you

the money they owe you. I guarantee you'll get it.

Hmm.

There's an old Indian saying

"What goes around comes around."

You sure that's Indian?

I thought that was English.

It could apply to anyone.

Yeah. Hey, Wandering Bear, let me ask you a question.

You're a shaman of sorts.

You know all about plants and herbs

and you're kind of a medicine man in a way.

Last night

I put a condom on inside out

and my wife's vagina is completely numb.

Do you know of any...

...herbal remedy that might work for her?

Hmm.

Give me a pencil and paper.

Well, I have a pen.

Same thing.

Well... yeah, but you said pencil

so I just thought I'd mention that I had a pen.

They both perform the same function.

That's true.

Pencil has an eraser.

You make a mistake, you can erase

so there's a slight difference.

Some people are very specific about it.

One writes, the other writes.

But you did say pencil.

Is that a Y?

That's a T.

Thank you, Wandering Bear.

What?

- Hey. - Hey.

You forgot to cancel that lunch with Jason Small.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, he called my house. It was kind of embarrassing.

Really? Wow.

Oh, gosh, I'm really sorry about that.

Um, today I need you to go to Mel Brooks' office

pick up some music for me.

And then I need you to go to my

business manager's office, and there's a package

which I need you to bring to my house.

Uh, hey, let me ask you, um, like, a guy question.

- Um... - Sure.

At home my machine is full of all these hang-ups.

- Yeah. - And I'm wondering...

If it's Marvin calling me because he wants to talk to me.

Yeah, of course. Of course, Marvin's--

- Is it? - Yes, yes.

Okay, alright, so I don't know what to do.

I mean, clearly he's reaching out...

But I shouldn't make the first move, right?

Yeah, you want to get the phone?

Should I make the first, I'm--

- No. - No, I should stand my ground.

- Right? - Mm-hmm.

[Antoinette] Okay, thanks, Larry.

Hello, Larry Da...

Hello?

Wandering Bear cured her vagina.

He wrote down this thing, it's a root or something.

She went to a health food store.

I spoke to her on the phone...

...she's better.

Wandering Bear cures vaginas?

That guy's some kind of magician or something.

I wish I had special powers over the vagina.

How's, uh, how's Oscar, by the way?

Not good.

He's, uh, just moping around

same old thing making those noises.

- Really? - Yeah.

Susie took him to the vet.

Did you say anything?

Okay?

Oh, hey, by the way

here, you can have these condoms back.

No, I'm not using 'em anymore. My doctor told me not to.

He says it's no good for me to keep going and going.

It's not good for my heart.

- Wow. - It's a rubber for a young man.

You know what? You might be right about that.

Okay, that's who it's for.

Hey, my 5 Wood's coming in today at 4:30.

Let's go get it.

Alright, I'll pick you up at 4:30.

Beautiful.

Hey.

- Hi. - Hi.

What did the vet say?

He said that Oscar's voice box is damaged

as though somebody was trying to strangle him.

- Strangle the dog? - Yeah.

Somebody was trying to choke him.

Who could that be, I wonder?

What, who would want to do something like that?

The dog bit your penis, so you're trying

to fucking kill him? Is that what it is?

No that's ridiculous!

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

Then what happened?

How come he can't speak? What's wrong with him?

I don't know, maybe he got hit by a car.

Oh, please, he's gonna get hit by a car, how?

Well maybe somebody left the door open.

Who's gonna leave the door open

and let him out of the house?

Jeff could have left the door open.

Jeff did you leave the door open?

Yeah, exactly.

I'm not saying he did it on purpose.

Maybe he went to get something from his car.

You know what? Maybe you didn't try to strangle him

but something else happened, and you were involved

and I am gonna get to the bottom of this.

Hi Wandering Bear.

Hello.

How is your vagina?

It's... getting better.

Good.

Wandering Bear just asked me how my vagina is.

Well, I'm sure he just wanted to see if his cure was working.

Okay, well, I don't appreciate strangers

asking me about my vagina. God.

Wait a second. Did you thank him?

- No. - Well...

You could have least expressed some gratitude.

He did cure your vagina, did he not?

Hey Wandering Bear.

Might not be such a good idea

to ask my wife how her vagina is.

I don't know how it is with American Indians

but the Jew generally doesn't ask

other men's wives about their vagina.

It's a custom thing.

Well, if you take her to the white man doctor

he will not only ask about her vagina, he'll look.

Good point Wandering Bear, good point.

Anyway, it's really working out.

She's feeling a lot better. Thanks again.

Hey. Here are the papers

from your business manager's office.

- So-- - What about the music?

From Mel's office?

Oh, Larry, was I supposed to pick that up?

- Yeah. - I'm sorry. I totally forgot.

Yeah, uh-huh, just like you forgot to call Jason Small

and cancel the lunch appointment.

Okay, fine, I'm sorry.

I'm terrible. I'm a bad assistant.

You know, I don't need this. Do your own errands.

- Run your own life. I'm done. - What?

- I quit. - What're you talking about?

- No, I quit, Larry. I quit. - What?

I don't need this anymore.

You quit? No, you can't quit.

You can tell Jason Small, or maybe I will

about your mom's fake unveiling.

How about that? Isn't that nice?

Okay, come on, that's not necessary.

And I'm sure Cheryl would love to hear

about "College Girls Gone Wild."

- What? Hey! Hey! - Yeah, Cheryl, that's right.

"College Girls Gone Wild," Cheryl, it's hot!

- You know what? - Okay.

Everybody's gonna know every lie, every deceit

every half-truth you have ever told, mister!

- What? - Eight years of service!

Come on, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I apologize.

You can't quit. Come on.

I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

[Cheryl] Larry!

What are you doing? What's going on?

She quit. She quit.

She's gonna expose me to the world.

She said she's gonna tell everybody

about all my lies and my deceit

and you know, I said terrible things about so many people.

And you and Jeff and Susie and Louis, everybody I know--

What? What have you said about me?

- Oh, did I say you? - Yeah.

No, no, I didn't mean you. No, the others.

The others, not you, but the point is that

I'm gonna be ruined, you understand?

We're gonna have to move.

Well, why was she so upset?

I don't know, I yelled at her a little bit.

She was supposed to do some stuff for me.

She didn't do it.

I'm sure she'll be fine once she--

No, she's not gonna be fine. She hasn't been fine

since she broke up with her boyfriend.

That's the whole problem.

See, now, if I could get those two back together...

I need to talk to her boyfriend.

I got news for ya.

Okay.

That's what I need to do.

- Hey, Marv. - Hi, Larry.

I came to see you.

Okay, yeah, sit down.

- Yeah? - Yeah, sure.

So, uh, I wanted to talk to you about Antoinette.

Oh. Ahem. Yeah, that's, um...

...that's a tough, uh, a tough situation.

I don't understand what happened.

I mean, you guys, you were such a great couple and--

Yeah, you know, she's a great gal.

She really is. I love her. Yeah, I... Well--

So, what are you breaking up with her for?

It's... You know, it's... It's personal.

I know. That's what she said.

It's, uh--

Pour it out, buddy.

It's sexual, sexual.

Marvin, I've had every sexual problem known to mankind.

- Well-- - What is it, you're impotent?

- No, no, no, no, no. - I've gone ten years...

...with no erection. What is that? Nothing.

No, no, Larry, that's not it. It's not that.

When the race begins, I'm at the finish line...

...just like that.

Quick, quick, I finish quick.

Ah.

Hmm. Tsk.

It's tough.

Hmm.

- Marv. - Yes?

Your problems are over.

Everlast condom?

I've used condoms before, Larry, they don't help.

You haven't used this one.

All night, my friend, all night.

I just got one little word of advice for you.

Don't wear it inside out.

Thanks, Larry.

- Hey. Yeah. - Ready to go?

Let me get my jacket. I'll be right out.

How's, how's Oscar? He's not good, Larry.

He's not good. He's the same.

He hasn't gotten any better, and I know you did something.

I didn't forget!

I-I'll get that.

Yeah, good, go get the door.

Ah, Wandering Bear.

No, no, no, I don't want him in the house.

- Come in, come in. - Hello, David.

Hello.

I've come to collect my money.

You know what, Wandering Elk

whatever the fuck your name is, you were paid already, okay?

Hey, you don't need to talk like that.

You're a better person than that.

No she's not.

We paid you, that was it.

I'd like you out of my house.

I need to be paid in full, please.

You don't get out of my house, I'm gonna get my dog, alright?

- Susie! - Susie!

- Oscar! - What?

- Susie, come on. - Oscar!

- Susie. - Please don't do that.

[Susie] You see this? He's useless. He's useless.

You see what you did to him? He's useless.

This used to be a watchdog.

May I take a look at him?

Fine, fine, go ahead.

Ahh!

Hey, Prius!