Original subtitles

♪ Leo and Max up off our backs ♪

♪ Back on the great white way ♪

♪ Leo and Max back on our tracks ♪

♪ We're back on top to stay ♪♪

Okay, that's enough. Larry!

You've been doing your homework!

- I'm all astonishment. - Really?

It is fantastic, fierce, absolutely fierce.

- Was it fierce? - Yes, it was. Yes.

- Really fierce? - Really fierce.

- My problem child no longer. - How did, uh...

I mean, was I there too, or...

Yeah yeah, you were doing the steps.

Um, a little bit late on the pas de bourree

which then makes you late for the hitch-kick.

Pas de bourrees are really tough.

Pas de bourrees are, like, the toughest thing.

- It'll get easier. - Yeah.

But, oh my God, the difference is just astonishing.

I know, I don't even think about it anymore, I just do it.

That's what I told you would happen.

'Cause it's in the muscle memory now.

Hey... Michael, too bad you can't see.

- Yeah, tell me about it. - It was great, Michael.

[Larry] Alright, thank you.

- Yeah. - Great. Okay.

Okay.

- Hey. - Hey.

Don't let that pas de bourree stuff--

Oh, no I'm not worried about it.

- I mean, I'll get it. - If you want...

If you wanna do any extra work on that--

Oh, I, I can't today. I'm meeting my dad.

But, uh, tomorrow would be great.

Oh, okay. Your dad, huh?

- Yeah. - Oh, he lives here?

- Yeah. Yeah. - No kidding? Wow.

- Yeah. - What does he do?

Um, you know, um, Health-Glo?

- The mixed nuts? - Yeah, I've seen that.

- Yeah, it's the packages-- - Absolutely. That's his?

That's him. My dad is Health-Glo.

He started that like, when he was, like, I don't know

right out of college or something.

You know what, I get ideas all the time

about mixed-nut packages.

Like, I'll see a mixed-nut package, I'll think

what would I want to put in a mixed nut?

And I have, like, my own ideas about that.

Maybe I could pitch some, some ideas to your dad.

How would that be, if I said I want to combine a

a pecan and a, and a blueberry, you know?

- Yeah. - And a dried cherry.

And maybe a, uh, a filbert or something?

You know, it's kind of like everyone has their idea

of what would be the best combo.

Just pitching, you know how it is.

Come on, you must get people on the street

come up and pitch you story ideas--

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - It's just...

You know what, stay in your element.

[Larry] Yeah. But I do have some good ideas.

- I'm sure, I'm sure you do. - Hey, 9:00 a.m. tomorrow, guys.

- Okay. - Oh, okay.

- I'm gonna go get a snack. - Snack?

- Yeah. - I'll go with you.

[Steve] Oh, great.

You and David are so good together. I'm so happy.

- Love him. Love that guy. - Oh, God.

Your chemistry together is fierce.

- It is fierce. Fierce! - Absolutely fierce!

- Totally. - It's fierce.

Ah, so much better than Ben, don't you think?

Ben was so bossy.

Yeah, you know he had that kind of entitled attitude.

- I don't care for it at all. - Totally, I know.

Oh, my God, my friend Anthony was supposed to come

to rehearsal. That's right, and he didn't show up.

Oh, I'm so worried about him. He's a doctor.

He's gorgeous, he's smart, obviously, and he's single now.

He just had a horrible break-up.

So I'm kind of looking for somebody to match him up with.

- Is he good-looking? - Gorgeous.

♪ Ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba ♪

♪ Pirate's Booty Pirate's Booty ♪♪

You're embarrassing me. Stop it, no.

- I can't have Pirate's Booty? - No, but you can have a pear.

- Hey! - What?

Look at this, Health-Glo.

Those are David Schwimmer's dad's nuts.

- Yeah. - Yes.

Let's check these out.

- Good stats. - Look at this.

There's only four cashews in here.

- The numbers are good. - Look, they're all the same.

- This one's got four, three. - That's probably a mistake.

The whole cashew-raisin balance is askew.

- It's awful. Absolutely. - There's gotta be more cashews.

Schwimmer's dad's really pulling

a fast one here, you know? Alright, well.

Um, you can still eat two packages of them.

Okay, fine, two packages. You know what?

I gotta get out of this place. I gotta get to my office.

Okay.

♪ Back on the great white way ♪♪

Hey, Broadway.

- How was rehearsal? - Hey. It was good.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- Schwimmer's great. - Is he great?

- Yeah. He's fierce. Yes. - Is he?

Look at you with the dancing terms.

I'm glad it's going well.

Yeah, it's going great.

I got you a little something to say thank you

for those "Tonight Show" tickets.

Really? You didn't have to do that.

My mom had the best time.

- What do we got? - Just a little thing.

Oh, a picture frame. Thank you.

I didn't know what to get you and Cheryl said

it might be nice, you know, you can put a little

glamour shot of her on the desk.

Oh, is that what she suggested, yeah?

And the dental hygienist called.

She said please call when you get in.

Dental hygienist? Hm, I wonder what she wants.

- I just saw her last week. - Mm-hmm.

Well...

Get together? You and me?

- Really? - Am I being too forward?

'Cause when you were at the office

you gave me the tongue sign.

Tongue sign? Pfft! How...

I-I was just really trying to get some cotton

out of my mouth.

So, uh, I don't get it. Why me?

I don't know.

You remind me of my college history teacher.

Was he an avuncular bald Jew?

Larry, I was... Oh, I'm sorry.

You left your script at the rehearsal

and I was in the area, so I just thought I'd drop it by.

- Thank you so much. - So I can just leave this here?

Yeah, put it down over there.

- Oh, yeah, okay-- - Thank you.

- Hello? - So where were we?

She calls me just out of the blue.

Out of the blue. It's all set up.

It's all set up for next Thursday.

Wow.

Can I do this? Is it wrong?

You'll never get another opportunity like this

for the rest of your life. You have to do this.

It's a gift from your wife. She wants you to do it.

It's my tenth anniversary present.

It's your tenth anniversary present.

You have to do it.

Oh, I hope I can do it.

- She's fierce. - Okay.

At first I thought it was my imagination

but you're talking really gay.

- No, no, no, really gay. - Get out of here.

Fierce? Where does "Fierce" come from?

And everything is this and that.

You know, what do you think?

Steve the choreographer says it all the time.

Steve the choreo... You been spending a lot of time with him?

I probably picked up some of his mannerisms.

Some? All! You're him!

- What? - You're him.

You're Steve the gay choreographer. You've become--

- Oh, it's not that bad. - No, it's that bad.

At first I thought, no, no, no, then... "Fierce!"

Okay.

What the fuck's going on with your locker?

- What? - It's a pigsty, man.

- So what? - It's a matter of decorum.

Have respect for the club.

What are you doing throwing all that shit--

You know what, mind your own fucking business.

- Hey, Norm. - Hey, Jeff.

- Hey, Norm. - Hello, Larry.

[Larry] Hey, Norm, you should've seen rehearsals, man.

They're really coming along.

Oh, good. Mel told me.

Hey, I forgot to ask you

do you wanna play golf on Saturday with Marty Funkhouser?

I don't think he'll be playing golf

with Marty Funkhouser this Saturday.

- Why? - You know Leo, his father?

- Yeah. - We lost him yesterday.

- Hodgkin's, real bad. - Oh.

I thought he had the good Hodgkin's.

There's no such thing as good Hodgkin's.

- Yes, there is. - How do you know?

- What's your proof? What are-- - How do I know?

I'm gonna tell you how I know, okay?

'Cause I used to watch "Party of Five..."

"Party of Five," right there.

And Charlie, the orphan son, the oldest one

he had good Hodgkin's.

I wouldn't be going around quoting good Hodgkin's

based on "Party of Five."

- Just me. - Okay, fine.

- Half off. - Really?

- Here you go, guys. - What a deal.

- I know. - What a great deal.

You guys got a nice day.

- Thank you, Sven. - You're welcome.

Alright. What is that?

Is that Swedish, Sven?

It's Norwegian.

I'm-I'm sorry, I thought...

I thought Sven was a Swedish name.

It's not. 'Cause I don't look Swedish, do I?

- It's a big difference. - Apparently.

What's the difference, may I ask?

Culture, looks, names, history, food...

- Okay, okay. - Dancing.

Sorry. Honest mistake.

Are Swedes touchy if you refer to them as Norwegians?

- Why don't you ask a Swede? - Yeah, maybe I will.

- Hey. - Hey.

Hey, fancy-pants.

Oh, yeah, I gotta go to a funeral.

- Uh, oh, I'm sorry. - Yeah, it's a guy I knew.

- You okay to move and stuff? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, so I was in this grocery store a few days ago.

And, uh, I saw a bag of, uh, your dad's cashew-raisins.

Oh, good, good. Did you get it?

Yeah. He's kind of, uh...

He's kind of skimping on the cashews a little bit.

Uh, what do you mean?

Well, there's like four cashews in a whole bag, you know?

- Um-- - Here look, I'll show you.

- See? - What, you...

- You saved a bag to show me. - No I didn't save it.

I'm going to the funeral, I need a snack actually.

I mean, they're very good, they're delicious cashews

but, you know, would it kill him

to put three more cashews in there?

I mean, the cashews are expensive, first of all.

Um, there's a... you know, there's a shortage right now.

- Yes. - Cashew shortage?

It's for the last several, actually

the last several years.

I never read about a cashew shortage.

That's because you're not in the industry.

Can I give him a little piece of advice?

- Please. - I would call it... raisins.

And then, let people be surprised by the cashews.

You're not serious, are you?

I am, yeah.

It's better than being disappointed

by buying something called cashew-raisins.

We could put more in there, but they'd charge you a lot more.

- That's the balance. - Well...

We wanted to make an affordable snack, Larry.

An affordable snack.

Give me three more cashews in here

I'll be a happy man.

Then I think you got the right ratio.

That's all. No big deal.

Should we just rehearse? Can we get started?

Hey.

- Hey. - Look at this.

Letter from the club.

- I didn't get one. - Having a dirty locker.

You're kidding me?

If I don't clean it they're gonna suspend me.

Believe this bullshit?

Wow, how do you think they found out?

- Norm. - Norm?

Why would he do something like that?

- He hates me. - He hates you, huh?

- He hates me. He hates me. - Wow.

That's a horrible thing to do.

Terrible, yeah.

What do you eat those things for?

What, Health-Glo?

There's no cashews in there. I love cashews.

- They put no cashews in there. - Yeah.

- You know who makes it? - Who?

- Schwimmer's father. - You're kidding me.

- Swear to God. - Wow.

You ought to tell him to add more cashews.

- Guess what. I did. - Really?

- Yeah. - Oh, great, great.

- Hey, Norm. - Yeah, shalom, Jeff.

- Hey, Norm? - Yeah?

Care for some, uh, cashew-raisins?

No, I have no appetite.

Hey, Norm, let me ask you something.

I got a letter from the club about having a dirty locker.

They don't like dirty lockers.

- Yeah. - You remember Burt Suzuki?

Yeah.

They kicked him out a couple of months ago.

- Filthy locker, filthy. - Yeah.

I was just kind of wondering maybe if...

...you had anything to do with that?

- Me? - Yeah.

No.

You sure?

Yeah.

- I'm very sorry. - Thank you very much.

I'm very sorry. Very sorry.

- Hi, Larry. - Sorry about your uncle.

[Saul] Thank you very much.

Very sorry.

Very sorry.

Sorry about your dad.

Thanks, Larry.

He was a good man.

He was a great man.

Maybe we'll play golf sometime, when you're...

- Mm-hmm. - Feel better.

- Feel up to it. - Mm-hmm.

Sure you don't want to give me that weatherman's tip, you know.

Right now I'm in mourning.

No, I'm not saying now, but some other time, you know?

We'll talk about it.

Do what-do what you have to do.

- What's with the open casket? - I know.

Why do we have to go look at that?

Hey, Jeff Rosenthal.

He was a writer on "Party of Five."

- That guy, really? - Yeah.

Go ask him.

Excuse me. I'm-I'm sorry. Can I talk to you for a second?

- Sure. - Um...

This is gonna sound a little crazy.

Did you work on "Party of Five?"

Yeah.

You remember the season when Charlie had-had Hodgkin's?

- Right. Yeah, yeah. - Yeah, okay.

So in the show, didn't he have good Hodgkin's?

Well, he had Hodgkin's that he survived.

I mean, I don't know if that's good.

He survived it, so that was good.

But isn't there a good Hodgkin's and a bad Hodgkin's?

No, there's-there's Hodgkin's and non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.

And Hodgkin's disease has a better survival rate.

Okay, so that's, that's a better Hodgkin's.

I mean, that, that's a valid point

but I wouldn't say it was good.

- It's better. - It's better.

- Okay. - But not good.

Better.

Okay, there's two kinds of Hodgkin's.

One has a better survival rate than the other.

- Right. - Okay, so it's good.

No, it's not good.

Well, it's better than the other.

Okay, better, but it's not good.

Well, compared to the other, it's good.

- What? - My 5-wood's in there.

- What? - Go see for yourself.

It's my 5-wood.

Oh, my God.

What the fuck is my 5-wood doing in the casket?

I have no idea.

Well, he probably wanted to be buried with his golf club.

Sven must have put my club in there, probably on purpose.

- That's a horrible thing to do. - That club's irreplaceable.

It's ten years old. They don't make it anymore.

Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, man.

You got your clubs in your trunk?

Yeah.

- No, I'm not... No, no, no. - Why?

Because I like the way mine feels.

Your club, I can get at any store in the country.

- But I like the feel. - It doesn't matter.

- It's one club. - I like that club.

Why should this guy be buried in eternity with my club?

That's not fair.

That's not fair.

I'll buy you a new club today.

- The exact same-- - The exact same one.

And it better have the same feel.

My Uncle Leo was... more than my uncle.

He was like a second father to me.

And he loved life, my Uncle Leo.

Didn't he?

He was a guy who lived it to the hilt.

Loved his only son, Marty.

He loved a good walk.

Loved ginger ale... on ice with the fizz.

- He liked driving his car. - Hey.

- Hated to fly. - Hey.

A short nap in the afternoon.

- "'Jeopardy! Jeopardy!"' - Jesus Christ!

Those of you that knew him

he loved to frame the answers like questions.

- Disgusting. - Huh?

Every second Tuesday, a haircut.

Just gonna say goodbye to my Uncle Leo.

Marty, come here a minute.

Is this his 5-wood?

No. Someone must have switched it.

- What is this? - Is that a cashew?

Yeah, it's a cashew.

[Susie] We are kicked out of our country club

because of a fucking 5-iron?

- It was a 5-wood. - Jeffrey?

You didn't know the golf club had your name on it?

Fucking idiot! What are we supposed to do now, alright?

Where's Cheryl gonna play tennis?

- That's a good question. - Yeah, exactly.

Where am I gonna play tennis?

I've been playing tennis at that club for years.

She's in the tournaments, one of the best players in the club.

- She's not that great. - No!

As a matter of fact, I am, and I think I proved that.

- I beat her 6-1,6-love. - Oh!

- Bullshit. - Two years ago!

- Oh, two years ago. - Yeah.

And you're still hanging onto that.

You know how many times I've played tennis since then?

- Is... You know what? - Yeah.

The truth of the matter is Cheryl cares about that club.

I care about that club, Sammi goes to day camp there

with the same kids she's been with for years.

And you two don't give a shit about anybody but yourself.

You're fucking narcissist, okay?

It's all a game, all a big fucking game.

- What are we gonna do? - You know what?

You're just so inconsiderate, you don't even

think about what's gonna happen next, do you?

You know what, that 5-wood was irreplaceable.

Mine's replaceable.

Yeah, and I'll tell you something else.

I would rather be out of that club

with my 5-wood than in it without it.

Well, we would rather you be in it without it.

We have no place to go. No place to play.

It was our social life!

Okay, you know what?

I think my friend Julie was just saying

that the Beverly Park Country Club

might be taking new members.

Beverly Park, that's pretty...

And it's a beautiful country club.

Alright, look, I don't want to offend you

but there's, like, three fucking Jews in the whole club.

Okay, it's not for us. It's WASP, WASP, Republican city.

Okay, you know what?

I fit in with you guys all the time.

For years, I've been going to your thing, so--

How am I gonna even get by in the interview?

This one would stick out like a sore fucking thumb.

This Jew-face over here.

Oh, I'm more of a Jew-face than you?

Hey, fuck you, Larry, okay?

I didn't get us into this predicament.

I'm much more gentile-y than you are.

Okay, okay, look. We get an interview, we go in there.

- It's a great golf course. - It is.

And they have a beautiful tennis courts.

[Larry] Oh, but you know what?

You have to walk on that course. There's no carts.

- I'm not joining. - Yeah, we like to take a cart.

It wouldn't hurt you to walk a little, Jeff.

So you get your exercise when you go golfing.

That's what it's all about. You can't exercise a little bit?

I'd have to get a doctor's note in order to take a cart.

- Get a fucking doctor's note! - I don't know any doctor!

Oh, it's always something with them.

Oskie.

Hey, Oskie! Come on.

What's going on? What are you doing?

Should I, should I sit?

Yeah.

The dog bit my penis!

Fucking dog should be put to sleep.

- He should be put to sleep. - You think so, too?

It's biting people, Jeff. That's--

[Jeff] He's never bitten anybody before, ever.

Hey, it's not the first time with you and the dog.

I know that.

- What does that mean? - Uh-huh.

What happened with the dog?

- Tell her. - Nothing happened with the dog.

Well, obviously something happened

because he just said it's not the first incident with--

He pet the dog before. Dog was in his lap.

He got up, he had a boner.

Why did the dog give you an erection?

Okay, and why didn't you tell me about that?

First of all, that's not true, okay?

That's not true. I was petting the--

- Why would he say that? - Because he's a moron--

I'm making it up from thin air? What happened?

I was petting the dog, and then the dog left

and I got up, and I adjusted my pants.

- You know... No! - Because you had an erection?

Because I just had to adjust my pants, that's all.

- And then Susie saw me. - What was the dog doing to you?

Nothing. I was just petting it.

You see what you did? You see what you did now?

- Do you see what you did? - Wait a second.

Is that why Ted Danson didn't want you

to take care of his dog?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, God, I'm so sorry to keep you waiting.

Some privacy here.

Okay, let me see. I just got this.

I'm sorry, I haven't really looked at it. Um...

They checked you in outside and, uh

you don't have any allergies to medicines or, uh...

You have a history of heart disease?

Uh, high blood pressure, eczema, anything like that?

- No, no. - Okay, good, good.

Um, alright, so what's the problem?

I, uh...

A dog, uh...

- A dog? - Bit me over there.

Bit my penis.

A... a dog bit your penis?

Okay, well...

That sounds painful.

Sorry.

Um, let's see. Okay, Mr... Larry David?

Oh, my God.

Are you in "The Producers?"

- Yeah. - I'm best friends with Steve.

Steve, the choreographer for "The Producers."

- Anthony? - Yes!

Yes! He mentioned me then?

He's told me a lot about you, actually.

He said that, uh... I think you love to play golf and...

I-I golf, too. That's the only reason I'm bringing it up.

So, okay. Well, I'll go all day if you let me.

Why don't you give me Mr. Baggie.

And just stand up and show me what the dog did?

And he says to you, "You got it out there

but it's low and to the right."

- Hello! Hi. - Hi.

Erin told us to come right in.

- Of course. Cheryl? - Yes. Cheryl.

- Jim, Jim Rummington. - Nice to meet you.

Hello, Jim. Larry.

- Larry? - Larry David.

- Larry. - Ken.

What a great pleasure to meet you.

- I'm sure it's ours. - Please, have a seat.

- Thank you. - Here you go, sweetheart.

Thank you, darling. Alright.

[Larry] By the way, gentlemen

I must comment on how friendly everybody was.

We just parked our Hummer in the lot.

- You have a Hummer? - Oh, yes.

- How do you like it? - Oh, I like it.

- It's very roomy. - What a beauty.

- Yes. - Yeah.

I'm not really too worried about the global warming.

People like it a little warmer, don't they?

I mean, am I crazy here?

By the way, where, uh, where did you go to school?

- New Haven. I went to Yale. - Oh, I see, I see.

- Did you meet in school? - Um, no, actually.

It's sort of a May-December relationship.

I don't know if you've noticed.

I would call it May-October.

I wouldn't go so far as to say December.

Yeah. No, we met at a fundraiser.

- Oh, what was the fundraiser? - It was for, uh--

- Ronald Reagan. - Reagan.

- Oh, yeah? Oh, I see. - Yeah.

- We were both volunteering. - Yes.

Just volunteering our time and our effort.

- Good for you. - Mm-hmm, right.

Because when you're young you have the energy

and the power to do those things.

But now, that's the interesting question

what do you do afterwards?

Right.

That's a good question. What do you do after that?

You maintain that kind of commitment.

We come to a place like this beautiful country club

and we, we make, um...

- Just magnificent. - You feel... comfortable here?

- Oh, so at home. - Quite comfortable.

Let me say the golf course is magnificent, too.

You know, I'm fairly new to golf, um...

- Polo was my game. - Really?

Oh, well, I had a terrible accident.

I got hit with a mallet in the head

and fell off the horse, and unfortunately

I, my polo days are over, but I found the swing

really works for golf.

- Yes, he's a natural. - I picked it up right away.

You know, that's right. It is a similar swing.

[Larry] It's a similar swing. Think about it, yeah.

- Amazing. - Alright.

By the way, did I notice a, uh...

...Log Cabin Republican in the parking lot?

Was that you? Did you let that one in, Ken?

- I thought, I thought we did. - Let me ask you a question.

What hobbies or social societies have you been involved in?

That's a fair question, outside of golf of course

we like sailing.

Yes, we sail as a pair.

I've got a uh, schooner down at the marina.

A schooner in the marina? That's marvelous.

You must know Baxter Churchill?

- Of course. - Yes, yes.

D-do you sail it yourself or do you have a captain, or...

Occasionally I'll bring a captain in if it's windy.

Could I ask you a few more questions

about the organizations that you belong to?

- Absolutely. Absolutely. - Please.

Well, I'm a Moose. Uh... and an Elk.

- You're a Moose and an Elk? - I'm a Moose and an Elk, yes.

- That's extraordinary. - I'm, uh, in the Rotary Club.

- Well, oh, my. - Yeah.

What other organizations are you members of?

We're on the Council for Conservative Citizens

uh, National Right to Life Committee.

We're in the, uh, Heritage Foundation.

I think this has gone rather well.

Proceedings have come to an end.

- Great. - We've enjoyed meeting you.

Oh, we've enjoyed meeting you.

Gentlemen, before we go, uh...

Unfortunately because of my polo accident

I'm not able to walk the course

and I'll have to take a cart.

That's from my personal physician.

- Oh, I see. - One Anthony Parker.

- Dr. Anthony Parker. - Oh, of course.

Hello?

[Larry on call] Hey, Delilah, it's Larry David.

- Hi, Larry. - Um, I'm sorry.

But I'm not gonna be able to make it tonight.

Why not?

A dog bit my penis.