Original subtitles

You know, you should get one of these cordless vacuums!

Hey, Mikey boy!

- What? - What?

- I'm talking. - Yeah?

Sorry, I was just listening to music.

You know what, you better get yourself

a new girlfriend, alright?

'Cause-'cause this isn't gonna last that much longer.

Yeah, well, whose fault is it

that I don't have a girlfriend anymore, Larry?

Hey, I did you a favor, the problem is

it's hard to even fix you up. You're so particular.

I would like to be with

an attractive woman, yes. What guy wouldn't?

Not only does she have to be good-looking

but she has to, but she's going out with a blind man.

- So? - Well, she has to...

She has to wait on hand and foot.

So? What matters to women...

Is what's on the inside of a fella.

Okay, first of all, you've got nothing

inside of you, okay?

Let me just make that clear.

You are the most superficial man I've ever met

b-blind or sighted, okay--

Be that as it may, it's just not fair

that people get to see her and I don't.

So you're saying it's not fair that everybody knows

what she looks like except you?

Right. It's not fair. Did you get the corners?

Alright, well you know what I'll do?

I'm-I'm gonna keep my eyes and ears open.

Maybe there's someone I can fix you up with.

"I am Max Bialystock, first producer ever

"to do summer stock in the winter.

"You've all heard of theater-in-the-round.

You're looking at the man who invented theater--"

Argh! Argh!

What?

There he is. Honey, right here. He's right here.

I still can't see out of this side.

- Hey. - Hi, Larry

- Hi, Christine, hey. - Good to see you.

- You okay? - Yeah, thanks...

- For comin' to get me. - Yeah, come on in.

- I got severe tire damage. - That sucks.

- Yeah. - You know those signs?

- It's true. - Awful, awful.

Wait, hang on a second.

- You got it? - No.

Wait, just stop. Stop.

No no, no, stop. Don't do anyth--

- I'm not doing anything. - You gotta just stop.

Okay, now.

Okay.

- Oh, man. - You okay?

Yeah, my car, the gate crashed right down on it.

We're just taking Christine to yoga class

and then we'll go to rehearsal, okay?

- Oh, okay, yo-yogurt. - Hm?

Is that a prefix, you think, "yo"?

Yo-ga, yo-Gurt. Think that's related?

Gurt, ga?

They're both healthy things. Yogurt, yoga.

- I don't think so. No. - You think it's a prefix?

[Larry] Hey, I thought of some more yo's.

- Yodel. Have you ever yodeled? - Bye, honey.

- Larry, great seeing you. - Bye, Christine.

- Bye, guys. - How about...

How 'bout... What's-his-name?

- From the movie, uh... - She can't hear you.

- Why don't you come up front? - Eh, I'm okay.

Come on up front.

- I'm good. I'm good. - Are you serious?

Yeah, why What's the difference?

Larry, I'm not gonna drive you around like I'm

your chauffeur, get in the fucking front seat--

Ben, you're not driving me around like you're my chauffeur.

We're two minutes from-from the rehearsal hall.

You know, what kind of person asks another person

to drive them around like this?

This kind of mentality is what's--

What kind of person is so insecure

that they have to make somebody move into the front seat

so they don't think that they're driving somebody around?

No, the kind of person that's so insecure

that needs to be driven around in the back seat.

It has nothing to do with me being drive around.

Why do I have to leave my seat, go into the front seat--

Because I asked you to sit in the front seat of my car

and it's my car and if it's my car, I make the rules, okay?

Oh, you're making the rules?

We would have already been there already.

- Yes, very good. - Oh, you can't drive with--

Yeah, you're such a baby.

You're a-a grown-man baby.

Are you saying I'm a man-child?

I'm saying you're a little baby.

And you know what, little baby wants a ride?

- We'll give little baby a ride. - You know what?

- Little baby wants to walk. - No, no, little baby--

- Little baby's gonna walk. - No, you know what?

I should have brought my little baby seat for my--

- Little baby's gonna-- - No, Mr. David, where to now?

Where to now, Mr. David?

Oh, I didn't read the rules getting into the car.

- Here we go, driving Mr. Larry. - Hey, take it easy, man.

- You're the baby, Larry. - Oh, I'm the baby?

- Yeah, you're the baby. - 'Cause I wanna take a poll...

- That makes me a baby? - No!

No, you know what makes you a baby?

The fact that you're a big, stupid baby!

Oh, I'm a big, stupid, look at this thing

you're walking around with. A big sack on your back.

It's my knapsack!

♪ They were helpless ♪

♪ They were hopeless ♪

♪ And then along came Bialy ♪

Good morning!

- Hey, by the way... - Hey, by the way.

Your-your little cousin

finished all the Grape Nuts this morning.

You know what, he's a guest in our house, we should just...

How much longer, by the way?

I don't know, three or four days.

I don't know. We'll see, we'll see.

Alright. Hey, if it's okay with you, I'm taking your car today.

I got a meeting with Mel Brooks.

- Oh, okay. - Okay?

And you know what I'm thinking?

Maybe while you're out, you could get it washed.

It looks pretty clean, by the way.

- Do you mind? - But it's totally clean.

- Good morning. - Morning.

- Hey. - I got to show you something.

- A card trick. - Oh, a card trick. Okay.

Okay, you see this deck? One deck.

Now you have to tell me when to stop.

- Stop. - Now this...

♪ Whoo doo-doo ♪♪

- ...is your card. - Okay. Okay.

I'd like you to shuffle this, please.

- Alright. - And efficiently.

- And any way possible. - Yeah. Okay, fine.

It's all shuffled.

Okay, and...

This is your card.

- Wow! - Yeah.

How'd you do that?

I'm sorry, I can't tell you.

Sorry.

Come on, Stewart, how'd you do the trick?

No, no, magicians don't tell people how they do their tricks.

Yeah, well, you're not really a magician.

Oh, yeah, I am.

Well, 'cause you do one trick, that makes you a magician?

Did I trick you?

Were you a magician before you knew how to do that trick?

- Mmm, not really. - Well...

Who taught you how to do the trick?

- A magician. - Okay.

- So you weren't a magician. - Mm-hmm.

A magician taught you how to do the trick, right?

- Yeah. - Okay, so I'm not a magician.

Now you're a magician, so you teach me how to do it.

I can't, just 'cause you said I am a magician I can't teach you.

You didn't know that trick before the magician

taught it to you, right?

So why did the magician tell you?

He can tell that I'm a magician.

Well, you can tell that I'm a magician.

But I'm a magician, just naturally a magician.

That's what you're saying. I'm saying I'm naturally a magician.

But you don't know any tricks.

And you're just not. I mean...

See, because I'm a magician

if you were naturally a magician

I'd feel that you were naturally a magician.

Are you gonna tell me this trick?

No.

- Magicians don't reveal the-- - Fine, I gotta go.

You guys are a lot alike.

Yeah, except he's not a magician.

Hey let me ask you something.

You going to that Halloween party?

Of course.

- You are? - Yeah, we're taking you.

- You gonna wear a costume? - Of course!

I'm wearing a costume. It's a Halloween party.

I'm not gonna wear a costume!

Oh, I almost didn't tell you.

So last night at about 11:30

I go to the bathroom to, uh, you know.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

You got the energy for that at 11:30--

I always have the energy, yeah.

- Kain ein horeh. - Kain ein horeh.

So I'm thinking about uh, Jenna Jameson, you know and--

- Who's she? - A porn star, way hot.

And, um, all of a sudden, she pops out.

You know who pops in? You're not gonna believe this.

Cheryl. Can you believe that?

- My wife? - Cheryl, yeah.

What do you mean? You used--

Yeah, she was there. I-I couldn't believe it.

You know, I just... Boom, she was there.

You can't control who pops in. She pops in.

She pops in? Well, why didn't you pop her out?

I tried popping her out. She wouldn't pop out.

- What, she insisted on staying? - Not exactly.

"I want to be here with you, Jeff"?

I couldn't pop her out, I'm not in control of it.

Besides, my bench is kind of thin.

I don't really have a lot going on there.

Oh, your bench is thin? What, is she on your team now?

No, she's not on my team. She popped in.

What the hell are you using my wife for?

- I thought you'd be flattered. - Flattered?

- I'm fucking nauseous. - Nauseous?

- Why are you being nauseous? - Ugh! Ugh!

You, my wife... I-I just don't like the whole idea.

- It didn't really happen. - I know, but it feels...

But you did in your mind.

- Okay. - Alright.

- Do me a favor, okay? - What?

I don't want you using my wife anymore for that, okay?

I'll never intentionally use your wife for--

What do you mean intentionally?

You can't control who pops in!

Yeah? Okay, next time she pops in...

Pick your pants up and get out of the room.

Hello.

- How you doing? - Very well, thank you.

Good. How's the adoption coming, good?

Uh, yes, it's-it's going very well. Thank you.

Great, great, great. Wait till you get the kid.

It's gonna change your whole life.

"Get the kid"?

Mel will be with you in just a second.

- You can go on back. - Okay.

How are you doing?

You're carrying on like it's a funeral.

That's what it is to me.

- It's a decision! - Hey!

Hey! Larry, Jeff, come in, come in. Close the door, please.

Do you have any complaints? I mean, how's it going for you?

I've got one tiny thing, just one small issue.

I'm not happy with the toilet paper in the rehearsal hall.

You're gonna get the softest, most beautiful toilet paper.

You'll be so happy, you'll be

hanging around the toilet every day.

- You'll get me the softer rol-- - You got it!

Mel, can we get to why you asked Larry to come here?

Oh, yeah, we have a little problem. Yeah, right.

Ben Stiller is gone.

He is history. He has left us.

He came to me and said, "It's either me

or Larry David. Make up your mind."

You know, I went right, pfft, Larry David.

Stiller out.

He complained about some things.

- I don't know, minor stuff. - You're kidding.

No, we're not. Ben Stiller quit.

You wouldn't sit in the front of a car?

You couldn't move into the front of the car?

I mean, I have to move up to...

We were two minutes away from where we were going.

They were two minutes away from where they were going!

At Ben Stiller's birthday party...

- You didn't bring a present. - He said no gifts.

They always say no gift, but everybody brings a gift.

Oh, so you're at the show, you won't shake his hand.

I happen to have a small phobia

about shaking people's hands who have snot on it. That's all--

- Can you blame him? - A small little phobia.

And at the party, everybody sang "Happy Birthday" but you.

I don't like the "Happy Birthday" song.

I don't sing the "Happy Birthday" song.

- He never sings the-- - I don't like it either!

I hate the "Happy Birthday" song.

It's a trite, cliche song. I hate it.

Did you hear this thing with the shish kabob, okay?

You know about that? That's painful.

He's-he's stroking showing a stroke.

- It was an accident! - Right into the kid's eyes!

By the way, can I say something?

- Can I say something? - Please.

- Mel. - Mm-hmm.

Blessing in disguise. Okay.

He's a wonderful actor. He's a fantastic actor.

I don't think he belongs in musical comedy, frankly.

It's gonna work out, it's gonna be fine.

Everything will work out beautifully.

- Alright. - Alright.

So, uh, so you'll work on the toilet paper thing?

Done, done. Pink, pink, blue, soft... Anything you want.

- You got it. I love you. - Blue. I don't know about blue.

Listen, you know, uh, don't worry about, uh, Ben Stiller.

I-in my mind, I've got a couple of wonderful people.

And-and, you know, what do you think of, uh...

Do you know David Schwimmer?

Sure, yeah, the guy from "Friends," yeah.

Well, think about that guy. That about that.

He can move well, moves well, sings well.

A-and we'd save a little money on the marquee.

"Larry David Schwimmer," get it?

Okay, okay, bad jok--

I think that's a good idea. I like that.

- Yeah, think about it. - Bye, fellas, thank you.

- Okay, good to see you. - Bye-bye.

God bless. Keep up the good work.

Mel, Mel, you're making a terrible mistake.

I'm telling you, there's something wrong with this guy!

He's mentally challenged.

There is something about this middle-aged bald guy

that is thrilling!

- Come on! - We got one.

Yeah, good, good. Alright.

- Ten dollars. - Ten dollars.

- Okay. - For the Langley Center.

It's a charity and it's where, um, we all belong.

- Okay. - Ten dollars.

- Here you go. - Ten dollars.

Everybody's seeing I'm putting it in my pocket, okay?

Nothing's coming off this. Jesus.

Yeah, break out a clean...

Your foot's wet and you're on the seat.

- Oh, sorry. Sorry. - You're on the seat.

Could you close the door? 'Cause he's spraying it all inside.

It looks pretty clean in here.

- Aw it's dusty. - You're making a mess.

You're making it a bigger mess than it was.

- I think it's okay now. - No.

It ain't looking like it's supposed to.

I guess I'll get going now. That's okay.

No, no, I can get it.

Just give me, like, one more minute, okay?

Fuck!

Well, guess what? I'm out of gas.

You left no gas in the car.

How do you drive around like that?

I don't know.

And I'm nowhere near a gas station.

I gotta pee so bad.

You know what? You just...

Where's-where's my sun block?

I'll bet you those guys took my sun block.

I was at a gas station. Yeah...

No, 'cause I got your car washed.

You know what, I-I-I can't even talk.

I-I gotta, I have to go to the bathroom so bad, I'm dying.

Alright, good-bye.

Hi, sir, I'm so sorry to bother you.

I know this is gonna sound a little crazy

but my car ran out of gas

and I-I need to use a bathroom.

- Is it possible just-- - No!

Would it be possible? I can just get in for two minutes--

Why would I let a stranger in my house?

I'm not, you know, not really a stranger.

I did the "Seinfeld" show, I've done--

Hello, how are you?

You know, I was driving by and I couldn't help but...

I beg you.

I'd like to make an offer on your house.

10 bucks for a pee.

Oh, my god.

May I help you?

My car is out of gas

and I'm just desperate to use a bathroom.

Come in. Please, come in.

Be my invited guest. Come in.

- You're kidding? - Please, come in.

- Please do come in. - Oh, my god.

Shoo, whoa!

Whoo!

Refreshed?

That was so nice of you to do that.

And can I just say something?

If you're ever in my neighborhood

and you need to use a toilet, I'm your guy.

Oh, okay, I will remember this.

Alright.

Is there anything else I can do for you?

- I hate to impose again. - No, no, no.

You just did me an enormous favor.

You got room for another one, actually?

- I am very curious. Please. - Really?

I need to get gas for my car.

I have... I've got to walk somewhere to a station--

- Gas? - Gasoline.

I have a refinery in the back.

I'm joking!

I would be pleased to take you to get gas!

That is unbelievable. My wife left me with no gas.

- She does it all the time. - Oh, you are married.

- Yes. - That's a disappointment.

I thought maybe I'd finally met someone.

You don't have a man in your life?

- I don't. - Yeah.

We're a very superficial people.

We like to know what women look like

so it's gonna be tough for you when the...

- Hmm. - What? What is it?

I think I've got a guy for you.

- A blind date? - Literally.

Alright, look, I'll tell you what.

You'll take me, we'll go get some gas.

- Okay? Alright. - Of course.

And I'll tell you all about him.

I cannot wait.

- Hey, Haboos. - Yeah?

- You hungry? - Yeah.

I've worked up a little appetite.

Yeah, want to get a little lunch?

Why not?

You ever had delicatessen?

So the dog digs up a bra. That is really too much.

Oh, Larry, that's funny.

- You like that? - Yeah.

Oh, this place is beautiful.

[Larry] Hey, it's the guys from the car wash.

- Hey, guys. - Hello.

- Hello. - Remember me?

Yeah, the guy with the really clean car.

- Yeah, yeah. - The blue car.

Yeah, you guys did quite a good job on that car.

- Thank you very much. - You're welcome.

No problem. We had fun cleaning it.

- How did you do today? - Pretty good.

- Yeah? - Uh-huh, we did good today.

You did? How much money did you make?

We made $100. We had 10 cars.

Wow, pretty good. Congratulations.

- Yeah, that's good. - Good, good.

Hey, guys, let me ask you a question.

Did you happen to see any sunblock

on the passenger seat in my car?

- I don't know. - I didn't see any.

[Larry] You didn't see any?

Never saw any sunblock at all.

- Is that right? - No, no, no.

No? Huh? Didn't see any?

- I didn't see nothing. - No?

- No. - I'll tell you why I asked.

Because there was some sunblock when I drove in--

- No, there wasn't. - No, the sunblock was missing.

That's all I know.

Yeah, I don't... No, I didn't know that.

I guess it's missing. Who knows? Who knows?

Yeah.

We know nothing about sunblock.

Okay, I was just...

You wanna sit down and have some food with us?

- It's really good. - Sure, okay.

This is my friend Haboos. I'm Larry.

- Hello. - Hello, Haboos.

I'm Stanley.

Now weren't there, um

weren't there four of you?

- Uh, no, not recently. - No.

Not recently.

No, at the car wash

there were four of you.

No... Oh, you mean the guy

that was holding the card, no.

- There was four. - Yeah, but...

- He must have gone home. - He must have gone home.

- He must have gone home? - Or anywhere.

You don't know if he went home or not?

I don't... He said he was gonna go home.

He might have gone home, to go get ready for something.

- I don't know what. - I don't know.

Huh, alright.

[Larry] I think we know what happened to the sunblock.

- We lied! - Yeah, we lied to you!

It's really good, the tuna salad.

It's good? You want some, Haboos?

- No, no, no. Oh, my God! - Oh.

What, the tuna? Tuna fish got on your lap.

What are you gonna do about it now?

I don't mind.

I'm gonna get this dry-cleaned for you.

I can't do that, Larry.

I'm gonna get it dry-cleaned for you.

- No I don't mind. - No. Haboos...

I insist. I'm gonna dry-clean it for you.

- Okay, Larry. Okay. - Alright.

[Larry] Eh, I'm so sorry.

Hey, I've got a good joke.

An Arab, a Jew, and an Asian fellow...

...walk into a bar, okay?

I didn't tell the joke yet!

Wait till I tell the joke.

I'm getting a corned beef on rye.

Oh, yeah.

- A vino, a nice vino. - Me too.

- Yeah. - We'll have the same thing.

Say it again! Say it again!

Say it again.

[Larry] Buy it with your money!

[Michael] So what's her name?

- Haboos. - Hello, Haboos!

I mean it's quite amazing when you think about it.

Nobody knows what she looks like, okay?

- Yeah! - Nobody! It's great.

Everybody's in the same boat as you.

You have leveled the playing field for me, Larry.

Nobody will ever know what she looks like.

- Everybody's blind now, yes. - That's exactly what it is.

What an idea! That's just great! Thank you.

Just kind of fell in my lap.

Thank you. Thank you, thank you.

- When can we do this? - It just goes to show.

If you gotta pee someplace

knock on a door.

You never know what could happen.

I'm intrigued. Let's do it.

By the way, you know, I have to go with you.

- Like as a chaperon thing. - What?

I'm sorry. They require a chaperon.

- A chaperon. - Alright, good.

So I'm gonna call her.

You know, there's no downside here.

Really, there's none, it's perfect.

It's perfect. Call her up.

She's quite a Muslim.

Okay, tell me when to stop.

Stop.

Why do you do it so fast?

Well, actually you were too fast.

- Really? Oh, I was too fast? - Yeah.

Maybe I'm just not stopping

where you want me to stop.

- No. - Yeah.

- No, really, no. - I think so.

I think I got a little something here.

You're stopping on the card

you know where the card is, and that's when I say stop

that's the trick, right?

- No. No. - Is that the trick?

It's not. This is your card.

Okay. Ahem.

You listen to me, Superman...

...I want that trick.

No can do.

I apologize. I just can't do anything.

You're not a magician.

You're not a magician either, Stewart.

Yeah, I am.

- No you're not. - Mm-hmm.

'Cause you know one trick

that makes you a magician?

That's not a magician. One trick's not a magician.

Yeah, it is.

You going trick or treating tonight?

Mm-hmm.

I'm taking half that candy. Don't you say a word to her.

You put it in the pantry,

I'll divide it up.

Understand?

- Okay. Yeah. - Okay?

Now, listen, I've got some friends coming over this weekend

to watch the ballgame, so be nice to them.

- capisce? - capisce.

[Cheryl] Larry?

Coming, honey!

Is that leather or Pleather?

[Susie] Vinyl, and it's hot as hell.

I'm sweating like a...

- Well, you look good. - Lar.

- Look at this! - Happy Halloween.

- What do you think? - Oh, my god.

- Huh, is this great? - Doesn't she look great?

Look at Andy Devine over here.

Yes, I am, Sheriff!

- Now you look hot. - Thank you, Susie.

[Susie] What are you wearing? What is this, no outfit, no costume?

- No. - Okay, you know what?

What?

I want you to change your costume.

- What? - I don't like that costume.

- Why? - I have my reasons.

- You got another costume? - Why?

[Susie] Larry, that costume is gorgeous.

- You're wrong. - Thank you.

I've spent an hour getting ready for this.

I don't have anything else to wear.

Not so. Excuse me. I've got just the thing.

No, you have the figure for that, and nobody else--

You know what, I have the figure for that also.

- Ha, in your dreams. - Haboos's burka.

Just back from the dry-cleaners.

You're going as an Islamic fundamentalist.

It's hot in this thing.

What the fuck? Hey, Osama!

Go back to your own fucking country.

Okay, you ready?

Yeah, I'm a little nervous

but let's give it a shot.

I'm a little concerned about the weather.

I got an umbrella. It's alright.

- Okay. - Okay.

Just be casual.

- Hello. - Haboos, hello.

- Larry. - Hi.

- Michael? - This is Michael.

- Michael! You're beautiful. - I am indeed.

- Oh. - Look at this man.

He's like your brother.

He's a bald brother, a bald brother.

I don't believe this.

I've heard so much about you.

Larry has just sort of praised you to the skies.

I've been raving.

Oh, well, I have so few dates

and tonight I have a date with two handsome men.

- Look, I got your dry-cleaning. - Oh, Larry, you remembered.

- Oh, thank you so much. - Fixed your cloak.

I got the stains out of the cloak.

Oh, thank you so much, Larry. Thank you.

And your hood and the whole outfit.

- I like the way she talks. - Didn't I tell you?

- It's kind of a sexy thing. - Didn't I tell you?

This is wonderful!

So what shall we do? What shall we do?

Oh, jeez, um, whatever you like, Haboos.

What about a walk

or something, uh, romantic, uh...

Well, you got the drizzles. It's drizzling.

Yeah, I think it's about to come down.

I don't mind. I don't mind.

- No? - You don't mind.

You got a hood on. What do you care?

You know what, I got an umbrella.

If you wanna take a walk, we can take a walk.

It's like Daredevil. You're like Daredevil.

Can't get this thing.

Oh!

What?

- My veil! - Ugh!

Ooh.

Not so hot, huh?

No, not so hot.

Well... Ahem.

- Thanks for trying. - Yeah.

[Stewart] Please shuffle the deck.

Thank you.

And...

...this should be your card.

Yeah, you peeked.

You bent it so you can peek at it.

You looked at it from behind.

How'd you know?

Anyone can figure that out.

- Uh where's Larry? - I don't know.

The game's about to start.

Well, he's probably in the bathroom.

[Cady] Larry David.

Why don't you close the door?

Well, we have some time before the show.

I'd like to give you your tenth-anniversary present.

What are you doing?

Who invited you? Get the hell out of here.

Look at you! You are sick!

Where's the other one? I want the other one. Get out!

I'm the only one here, baby.

And now for the rest of your life

you sick, four-eyed, pervert fuck

you're gonna be fantasizing about me in this outfit.