Original subtitles

Pasta, if you like, uh, very good.

What? Lu-caza what?

- Eh? - What?

What's the sauce with the fish?

What? What fish? He didn't even mention the fish.

- He said a fish. - There was no fish.

Was the second thing? Was fish the second thing?

I-I-I'll just have the... I'll just have the first thing.

Okay, and I'll have the second thing.

Grazie.

They should write the thing down.

I don't even know what he's talking about.

I have no idea what we just ordered.

So guess what's coming up... in a few months?

I'm sure it's been on your mind, our anniversary.

- Ten-year anniversary. - Ten years.

Boy, they just flew right by, didn't they?

So listen, I know what I want.

I would like, um...

And just keep an open mind.

- So remember our, our... Hmm. - Is it ever closed?

Ever once, has it ever been closed to anything?

Okay.

Um...

I would like for us to renew our vows

and have a real wedding ceremony.

- You got it. Yeah. - Are you serious?

- Nothing big, small. - Okay, no, no, yeah.

Yeah, and some friends, family, that kind of thing.

Right, right. Oh, my gosh.

I can't believe you just said yes to that.

You've just... You just built it all up--

I did. I was...

I didn't know how I was gonna

bring it up, but thank you.

Thought it was gonna be a huge fight.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, now let's talk about

my tenth-anniversary present.

Alright. What would you like?

I believe my present has already been agreed upon.

- Really? - Yes.

- No? It's not ringing a bell? - Yeah, I don't know... No.

What are you talking about?

- We already talked about this? - Right here at this restaurant.

- Really? - Ten years ago.

Right before we got married.

In these seats, same seats.

I feel like we're married already.

We're just making it legal.

It's just gonna be, you know, permanent, and...

And my friends think I'm crazy, but I do. I just--

Eh, what do you mean, they think you're crazy?

- Well... - How dare they?

How dare... that's what I say. This is--

Which friends think you're crazy?

I don't want to name names

but look, it's working, right?

Who, Julie? She thinks... She thinks you're crazy?

I just think that we should be a family, you know?

We should share the same last name.

I want to be Cheryl David.

David? What do you want to be a David for?

I want to be your wife, like...

Davids wanna be out of being Davids.

I don't want to be a David. I have to be a David.

But if you don't have to be a David, why be a David?

I feel like I have to be a David.

Is it...

Are you worried about

not being able to have sex with someone else

for the rest of your life?

Is that what you're worried...

- Where did you get that? No. - Because, you know what?

Okay, okay.

How about if we get married now, like, right now

for our ten-year anniversary

you can have sex with someone else?

What?

If that's your, your hold-up here

then let's just do that.

Come on, what are you... You're not gonna let me do that.

- What are you saying that for? - I will.

Just sex, one time.

It's not a big deal.

- Oh, right! - Ah-hah.

- Right. - Ah.

I can't believe you remember that.

- Yes, I did remember. - Oh, wow.

You have a good memory.

Eh, for some things.

- Mm, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, for some things.

Alright, well, alright.

Then I said you could have sex with somebody

and you should do that, it's our tenth anniversary.

- You should do it. - I'm joking around.

I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna hold you to that.

No, no, no, no, you should.

I said it ten years ago.

You should go out and have sex with somebody.

No, no, no. It's nice, but--

No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no.

Thank you. That's sweet. That's sweet that you wanna...

- You know... - I'm insisting on it.

You wanna keep your word and everything.

No, because if you think you can have sex

with somebody else, then you should do that.

What does that mean?

Oh, you'd go up and do

"Hey, lady. I'm Larry David.

And my wife said I could have sex with somebody tonight."

I'm... first of all, I'm insulted.

- You are? - Okay?

Even if I wanted to

you don't think I'm capable of it.

No, I don't think you're capable of it.

I really don't.

That's why I think you, um...

- So if I do this... - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Okay, just so there's no misunderstanding here

- It's okay with you? - Mm-hmm.

If you find somebody and say, "Hey"--

I don't wanna hear any crying afterwards and say--

- No. - "Oh!"

I can't believe you did that. Why did you do that?"

- No, I will not be crying. - Huh?

Oh, boy, alright. Well, thank you.

Thank you for my tenth-anniversary present.

- You're welcome. - How long do I have to do this?

Well, you have until our anniversary

and that's it.

Good luck.

[Larry] I just hope Jeff is gonna be at that karaoke party

because I have got a lot to say to that young man.

Listen, listen, maybe we should skip the karaoke party.

Why do you wanna skip karaoke?

- Oh, it's horrible. - Why don't we just...

- Horrible? - Listen, why don't we go home?

And I'll, I'll make it worth your while.

I kind of want to go to karaoke.

Oh, my God.

♪♪ust in time ♪

♪ Found you just in time ♪

♪ Before you came, my time ♪

Do you know married men everywhere

that's their dream that their wife says, "Yeah, go ahead."

What's Mel doing here?

Frank's been in, like two of his movies.

You didn't know that?

- Oh, yeah. - They're old friends.

♪ My bridges all were crossed ♪

♪ Nowhere to go ♪

This is great.

You got permission. Come on, man.

She actually challenged me to do it.

- Well, damn it, man, do it. - She laughed.

She was laughing at me.

You've got to, man.

But who am I supposed to do this with?

I don't know, there's got to be somebody

that you've thought about, we've all--

Ah, it doesn't mean I could walk up to them

and do anything.

I-I don't, you know, this is the worst--

But now you've got permission.

This is the thing that I'm

the worst at in the world, this.

This and drawing.

It's a, you know, it's a big thing to do.

How could I do that? Do you think I could do it?

- Yeah? Uh-huh? - Yeah, go, daddy-o, go.

What about it?

- Practice. It's a start, go. - Okay, fine. Yeah.

You wanna see how inept I really am, huh?

I want to see you in action, ineptness.

- You wanna see this? - Just go. Go.

Yeah, go make a move.

Show me. Just practice.

I'll watch. Go ahead.

♪ Hey now you're here ♪

♪ And now I know just where I'm going ♪

- Do you like karaoke? - Yeah.

It's good, you know. It's something to do at night.

There's nothing to do at night. What can you do at night?

Bowling, movies.

It's like a third thing to do

after bowling and the movies.

I don't know if you bowl or not.

I don't go that often

but it's fun, it's fun.

You can't find a ball. That's the problem.

I don't know maybe you own a bowling ball.

I don't own a bowling ball.

My whole life, every time I'm in a bowling alley

sticking my fingers in all these holes

picking up the balls.

You got to get your own ball.

I don't bowl enough

to think to get my own ball.

It takes up space in the house.

You keep looking at it in the closet

going "What I am doing with a bowling ball?

I don't even bowl."

You know what I mean?

So you'd wanna get rid of the ball.

How do you get rid of a bowling ball?

Think about that.

Who do you give a bowling ball to?

Nobody bowls.

It only fits your fingers.

You throw a bowling ball in the garbage can

you know what that sanitation man's gonna do?

He's gonna knock on your door. That's how upset he's gonna be.

He's gonna say, "Who the fuck threw a bowling ball

in the garbage can?

Okay, alright.

I'm around town.

♪ Then you changed my lonely life ♪

How'd it go?

♪ That lucky day ♪

♪ Hey my lonely lonely life ♪

♪ That lucky day ♪♪

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you.

Come on, everybody. Put 'em together. Mel Brooks.

How about that?

That was fantastic.

Alright, now, who wants to go next, huh? Anyone?

Uh, hey, Larry David.

- Oh, come on. - What do you say, Larry?

Can you come up and give us a song?

- Oh, come on, stop it. Huh? - Come on, Lar.

Oh, no. Oh, come on, No. You've got to be kidding.

- Come up here. - Are you crazy?

Oh, will you stop? Oh, you people.

- Come on. - Oh, me? No. I can't do it.

I'm too shy. Oh.

- Alright. - Don't be shy.

[Larry] Oh, shut up. Pipe down.

Alright.

Alright.

♪ I've been away from you a long time ♪

♪ I never thought I'd miss you so ♪

♪ Somehow I feel your love is real ♪

♪ Swanee you're calling me you crazy river ♪

♪ Swanee ♪

♪ How I love you how I love you ♪

♪ My dear old Swanee ♪♪

[Larry] So what do you think Mel Brooks wants?

I have no idea. Usually I know.

So he just called out of the clear blue sky?

Out of the clear blue sky.

- He's one of my idols, y'know? - I know he is.

That's why I was excited for you.

- Hey. - I'll cal... I'll call you back.

What, what the hell are you doing?

- What the fuck are you doing? - What am I doing?

- What are you doing? - What the fuck?

I'm trying to walk here.

You're talking on a cell phone!

You almost fucking killed me, you douche bag!

You cut right in front of me. You was talking on a cell phone?

What, there's a law against talking on a cell phone?

No, you can't, not while you're wheeling around in that.

You almost hit my car.

I'm just trying to get to my car!

- Learn how to drive that thing. - Piss off, you douche bag.

- Oh, asshole. - You fucking pussy. Piss off.

Hey, look at this.

Yeah?

Wow, there's money in here.

Larry David, Jeff Greene to see Mel.

He'll be with you in a second. Have a seat.

Hey, you know what?

I found this thing in the lobby.

Oh.

I don't, I don't know what the deal is.

Uh, actually, this belongs to Dennis.

He does the computers in the building.

It probably fell out of his chair this morning or something.

- Chair? - Yeah, he's in a wheelchair.

[Larry] I'll bet that's the guy. You know that?

A guy in a wheelchair cut right in front of my car

in the parking lot.

I almost hit him.

The guy was talking on his cell phone.

Yeah... well, he's in a, he's in a wheelchair.

Yeah, I know. It's a moving vehicle.

There's got to be some kind of regulations, I would think,

even for people in electric chairs.

- Mm-hmm. - He's motoring along.

You don't need to be talking on a cell phone.

- It's dangerous. - Mel will be right out.

- "Names 4 Babies"? - Yes.

- Is that you? - Yes.

Actually, my partner and I are adopting a baby.

You got yourself a partner.

- I got a wife. - Hmm.

Not exactly a partner. More like a, uh... a rival.

You know what I mean? It's a rivalry.

I wish I could say, "This is my partner."

So let me ask you, you got any, you got any names picked out?

Uh, actually, we do.

Is it a boy, or what are you adopting?

It's a boy. It's a boy.

And we are adopting him from China.

- Ah, adopting from China. - Mm-hmm.

Chinese names. Do I know any Chinese names?

Well, you got, uh

you got Wang from "The Good Earth."

Remember Wang Lung?

Wang isn't a bad first name. Wang?

Then you got the whole Ang family.

Fang, Bang... Tang.

Tang is not actually a bad name

'cause it's like China but it's, it's not China.

It's a juic... is what it is.

Tang.

Is that so bad, naming a kid after a juice?

Maybe that's not so bad.

But it has Chinese overtones, Tang.

- But yet there's a... - Tang.

- You got a little jolt with it. - Mm-hmm, yeah.

I don't think that would go over too well with the schoolkids.

Uh, that's gonna kind of be the least of his problems, no?

Mel will be right with you.

You know what? I'm gonna run to the bathroom.

I'll be right back.

- Oh! Oh! - Oh, my God. What...

Larry. Larry David.

- Ugh. - Oh, my God.

Ooh, did I hurt you? I'm so sorry.

- Is it bad? Is it bad? - Oh, no, no.

- No, it'll be alright. - Is it bad?

No, I've got to get some help.

- Is it bad? - Just lie there. Don't move.

- Don't move. - Oh, my God. Hurry up.

- Hi. Jeff Greene. - Hi.

I'm a patient of Dr. Morrison's.

- I called about Larry David. - Oh, yeah.

Just sign in, and the doctor will be with you in a minute.

Oh.

Do I actually have to put my name on this thing?

Yes. Yeah.

I generally don't like to put my name on these lists.

You know, people come in, they see your name.

- Just... Just sign in. - Just sign in.

I don't like having my name on these lists.

Then sign Ben Vereen.

Who cares what you sign? Come on.

Your head's bleeding. Just sign in.

Eh...

- Hello? - Dude.

- What are you doing? - What?

What are you calling me on the doctor's phone for?

I'm, I'm bored to death in here.

Don't use the doctor's phone. That's not right.

- Why? What's the big deal? - They don't like it.

Well, I just thought I'd give you a call

see what's up, how you're doing.

- What are you reading? - "Men's Fest... Fitness."

"Men's Fitness"?

Yeah, about America's fattest cities.

Oh, you know what? There's the doctor.

Alright, I'll talk to you later.

I will, uh, I'll talk to you later.

That was Jeff.

You're not supposed to use that phone.

Sorry. It was a local call.

You're not supposed to use the phone.

It doesn't matter whether it was a local

or a long-distance call.

We just don't want people using that phone, okay?

Fine. What's, what's the big deal though, if I may ask?

- It's no big deal. - What's the problem?

There is no problem.

We just don't want people using that phone.

I don't understand why not, though.

Why couldn't I use it?

Well, you could use it. You obviously did.

We don't want you to use it, though.

With all due respect, I just don't really

understand the rule.

I don't see what the big deal is.

The history of how we arrived at that

is so complex that I won't even bore you with it.

Just let it be said that we don't allow anyone

to use the phones in the examination rooms.

Yeah I mean, I just don't see how it's hurting anybody.

It's not. It's not hurting anybody.

We just have a rule that you

don't use the doctor's phone.

- It's simple. - Yeah.

I just don't understand what the reason is.

I mean, you're saying not to use it

but what's the reason?

I don't understand why you have to

know the reason.

I'm just trying to understand

why you decided that.

It seems very capricious to me.

You know, it's hard to make a rule

that takes in all the contingencies.

So we just have a rule. Don't use the phone.

- Okay. - Okay?

- Understood. - Alright. Alright.

Glad you understand it.

So what happened to you? Let's have a look.

I got hit by a door.

Wow. Sit down, will you?

Mel Brooks is coming out of a bathroom

and a swinging door hit me.

- Yeah, Mel Brooks, huh? - Yeah.

Yeah, is it the Mel Brooks?

- Uh-huh. - The funny guy, yeah?

I like Mel Brooks. I'm a big fan of his.

- Lay down, will you? - Yeah, he's great.

Put your head on the pillow.

Yeah, I have tickets for his play "The Producers."

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

- Oh, yeah. I hear it's great. - So do I.

Boy, this is a kind of a nasty cut.

Alright, I think all we have to do here

is clean this up and put in a few stitches.

- Oh, really? - Mm-hmm.

Oh, okay.

Again, I'm sorry about the

the phone stuff.

Oh it's okay. Don't worry about it.

Just, if you're ever in a doctor's office again

don't use the phone.

Yeah, it just seems like

an odd policy to me, though.

Mm-hmm, it's a rule that is pretty universal

in examination rooms.

- You don't use the phone. - Yeah, I understand.

It's just that the rule doesn't make any sense, that's all.

- Well, it makes sense to us. - Okay, fine.

Yeah, we don't have many rules here.

That's one of them.

It seems a little odd, though

that if you're making a local call

that anybody would care, but whatever.

Well, it's not the expense of the call we're concerned about.

Now, I don't know if you've ever had stitches before

but there is a slight bit of pain involved

nothing more, I would say, really, than a little prick.

Mm-hmm, yeah, there's definitely a prick involved.

Uh, yes, there is a prick involved.

Yeah, there's one prick involved.

Yeah, I would say there is one prick involved.

I agree. I'm not a doctor.

But I agree. There is one prick.

Yep.

And the more I look at this, I think this is pretty minor.

Oh. What the hell?

You, you drooled on me.

So have you thought about anybody

for the tenth-anniversary present?

I have been thinking about it.

And?

You know, I got three months.

I'm gonna take my time and wait

wait for the right one.

And you, my fat friend, will be the first to know.

Alright, good. I should be.

My big fat friend.

Hmm, fatso.

Oh, fatso.

- Oh, hey. - Hey.

Did, did you get your wallet?

My... Yeah.

How did you know about that?

I found it.

Wait a minute. You're the guy from the car.

- Yeah. - Joanne gave it to me.

- In Mel Brooks' office. - Yeah, right, right.

- I gave it to her. - That's not what she said.

Wait a second. She said she found that wallet?

Yes.

That's an exact quote, "I found this"?

She said she found the wallet, she gave it to me

and I gave her 100 bucks, and you know what?

Seriously, you should worry a little bit less

about the wallet and maybe maintain a little focus

on your driving skills, buddy.

Hello.

Jeff Greene and Larry David to see Mel.

Right.

Okay.

You know, I ran into the guy in the wheelchair downstairs

your friend Dennis.

He told me that you said that you found the wallet

and he gave you a $100 reward?

- What's up with that? - How dare you come in here...

- How dare I? - And accuse me--

- Yeah. - Hey, what's going on?

This is the guy that I told you about.

Oh, you got a problem with our lifestyle?

- That we want to adopt a baby? - No, not at all.

Yeah. You need a good fucking ass-kicking.

That's what you need!

You want to name our baby Tang?

You think it's good to name a kid after a breakfast drink?

We don't think that's a good name!

Do you understand that?

I understand.

Damn fucking right.

You apologize to her. You apologize now!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry. I'm sorry.

What are you doing here anyway?

I got a meeting with Mel Brooks.

[Mel] Well, you're here. You came.

[Larry] Yes.

And I guess you're wondering why I called you.

Kind of, yeah.

Do you remember the other night

I sang at the karaoke club, and then you got up?

Yeah, he was great.

And the audience went pretty wild for me.

And then you sang "Swanee," and they went crazy.

And when you sang, I was absolutely floored.

I mean, I...

- You think I... No, no. - Really?

No, no, I-I couldn't get over it.

And bang. Bang. Something went off in me.

In a couple of months

the guy playing Max Bialystock

will be going out on the road

leaving an empty slot called Max Bialystock

the leading character in "The Producers."

I want you, Larry David

to be the next Max Bialystock on Broadway.

I would like you to play

the lead in "The Producers."

When this thing goes off, I'm never wrong...

- The guy has to be-- - Oh, man, I-I-I-I don't...

I mean, I'm...

I'm... I don't even know what to say.

- Were you great? - Well, Mel, I mean, you know...

- He was great. - A Broadway show...

I'm not... I've never...

I'm not, like, a theater actor.

When we made the movie of "The Producers"

the guy that played Carmen Ghia

was this incredible, talented Greek actor.

His name is Andreas, Andreas Voutsinas.

And Andreas used to say to me

"Or you got it, or you ain't."

I said, "Andreas, you can't start a sentence with or."

He said, "Never mind.

Or you got it, or you ain't."

- You got it, Larry. - You got it, Larry.

- You got it, mister. - Mr. Brooks is right.

My friend, you got it.

[Mel] Oh, by the way, Ben Stiller

will be taking over at the same time.

So it will be Larry David and Ben Stiller.

I got a great idea.

Go to the show tonight. See the show.

Let it get into your pores. Let it get into your system.

I'm telling you, I'm never wrong.

I am never wrong. I know it sounds crazy to you.

I know it sounds insane.

It doesn't sound crazy to me.

- You were born to do it. - You know what it sounds like?

- It sounds like a joke. - No joke here.

This is just like Allen Funt

or Jamie Kennedy's gonna come walking through the door.

[Mel] You were born to do it.

Just see the show tonight, see what happens.

See what happens, and then let this all come back to you.

Okay?

You're gonna do it. It's gonna happen.

- He's gonna do it Mel. - Okay, Jeff.

- Thank you. - Tell him in the elevator.

- Tell him how great he is. - I'll tell him.

- Gentlemen, a pleasure. - Good to meet you.

Take care.

I did all the plays in high school.

I swear to God.

They'd give me the lead, every one.

- Oh, what are you, M4 and M5? - Yeah, yeah, let 'em have 'em.

Are those your house seats?

- M4 and M5. - They'll be at the box office.

He's got 'em. No, they'll be there.

Just pick 'em up at the box office.

- Larry David, yeah. - Thank you.

Giant fucking mistake

if I say so right to your face, okay?

- Zero Mostel... - I know. I know.

- Zero Mostel... - I know what you're gonna say.

Nathan Lane, Jason Alexander, and Larry David?

Come on, Mel.

Trust me. When I know, I know.

And this time, I know.

Thank you very much.

[Cheryl] Alright. What's wrong?

Eh, this thing's killing me.

You know what? I'm gonna take a painkiller, I think.

Oh, wait. I don't think you should do that.

- Why? - Don't they make you tired?

So what, honey?

I'm... It's killing. It really hurts.

How are you gonna take it without water?

I don't know. Pop it in.

Maybe you should wait.

Okay okay. Okay, Larry.

- Did you get it? - Yeah, I got it.

Ben Stiller?

- Yeah, I think that is. - Hey.

Hi.

Hey, how are you doing?

- Good. - Good to see you.

- Hi. - Nice to see you.

- Hello. Hi. - Hi.

- Hi, Ben. - Hi.

- Hi. - Hi. Hi.

- Oh good, thank you. - Muah! Nice to see you.

- Nice to see you. - You okay?

Yeah, what happened?

Mel Brooks hit me with a bathroom door.

- Cut my head. - I know.

- It sounds like a joke. - Really?

- Yeah. - Were you talking to him?

- I met him today, yeah. - Yeah.

Oh, you met him today, okay yeah.

So he told me you're doing the show.

I am. Yeah, I'm doing the show, and...

So you were talking to him about maybe...

- He... - Yeah.

He offered me the... Max Bialystock.

Yeah, I know.

It was a little shocking to me, too.

- That's... Oh, my gosh. - Did he offer it...

You mean, he actually offered...

- Yeah. - Really?

Offered him the... I know.

- That is... - Crazy.

Are you guys just going cra... 'Cause it's...

It took him a long time to make this decision.

- Well, yeah, we- - Can I ask you something?

You, you, you act?

- No, I mean, I know you're-- - No, I don't.

Yeah, yeah, and you sing?

- I don't do anything, really. - Really?

I mean, they'll have to teach me.

- Right, right. - He saw me in a karaoke bar.

- Wow. - You're fucking with me, right?

No, it's true. But I'm still thinking about it.

I haven't made up my mind.

Yeah, yeah, well, you should think about it.

Honey, actually, I see Brian and Lee.

We should go say hi. Ooh, bless you.

Excuse me.

- Oh, gesundheit. - Good to see you, Christine.

See you later.

Well, whatever happens happens, right?

- Good to see you. - Lar, good luck.

This is a big decision. Take care.

I'll watch it tonight, and I'll think about it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, good luck.

Whatever happens, it will be...

Ben, so good to see you.

And we'll talk about apartments if you need to...

- I'm sure we'll all gonna be... - Whatever happens. I know.

- Seeing each other. - We'll see. I'll check it out.

- Yeah. - Okay.

- Okay. - Bye.

Bye.

Come on.

- What is wrong with you? - What are you talking about?

Why didn't you shake his hand?

He put his hand out for you.

He sneezed all over his hand.

- But he just sneezed on it. - How rude is that?

He didn't notice anything.

He put his hand out for you to shake it.

- Oh, please. - Of course he noticed that.

- What, are you kidding? - Everyone noticed that.

I'm not gonna shake his hand.

It's got snot all over it. Come on.

Partners, Leo, all the way.

And nothing or no one will ever come between us.

Nothing or no one, Max.

Come in.

I'm back down from the pills.

Oh, about our tenth-anniversary present...

- Okay... - I just...

Alright, it's fine if you want to get out of it.

No.

Believe me, I will not think any less of you.

No, no, I don't want to get out of it.

A deal's a deal.

I just want to tell you that there's a few ground rules

that we need to talk about.

- You... - Okay?

Okay, rule number one is

it's a one-time only.

- Okay, one time only. - Okay.

And there's a deadline.

It's our anniversary at midnight

and then it's over.

Yeah, kind of like "Cinderella."

- Hey, by the way... - Yeah?

You know, if I do this show on Broadway...

Yeah.

My opening night is the same night

as our anniversary.

Really? That would be fun.

♪ When you got it flaunt it ♪

♪ Show your assets ♪

♪ Let them know you're proud ♪

What do you think? You think you wanna do the show?

♪ Stick your chest out shake your tush ♪

♪ When you got it ♪

You know, maybe I will.

Maybe I will.

♪ When you got it ♪♪

What the fuck?