All language subtitles for Curb.Your.Enthusiasm.S03E10.The.Grand.Opening.1080p.BluRay.FLAC2.0.H.264-BTN_track5_[eng]

It's something a Kentucky farmer

says she's never seen before.

A hen taking newborn
puppies under her wing.

So guess who canceled
lunch with me again.

Susie Greene.

- Really?
- Yeah, and this time...

The excuse was she had
to go to the dentist.

Maybe she had to go to the dentist.

Okay, that's bullshit.

That's like the adult equivalent
of the dog ate my homework.

I'm not making any more dates with her.

She's done it to me before.

I mean, if she doesn't
want to go to lunch

why doesn't she just say, "You know what

I'd rather not go to lunch with you?"

Well, maybe she was telling the truth.

I don't think so.

Listen, are you going to
your office tomorrow?

Can you do me a favor?

Maybe.

- Can't you just say yes?
- No.

[Cheryl] What kind of
favor am I gonna ask you

that you wouldn't say yes to?

I just saw the osteopath
today about my cough

and he told me I should
get some Colon Cleanse.

It's actually called
Colon Cleanse.

It-it helps the whole system

and he said it will flush,
literally flush it out.

What does that have to do with a cough?

What does... I don't understand that.

But he says it'll knock
it out like that.

So, please, will you do that for me?

Alright.

Speaking of good eating

here's Andy Portico with this
week's restaurant review.

Andy?

Oh, Andy Portico's reviewing
a new restaurant.

[Andy] Today I'll be talking
about stuffing your face again.

I don't think I've eaten as
badly since I was in the army

and at least then
I had my youth.

In fact, people could've
learned something

from Army food.

Oh, my God.

- This guy is so brutal.
- Wow.

It's a criminal enterprise,
not a restaurant

and all these people should be...

This place is gonna be
closed in two days.

All because of this.

He's, he's coming to the
opening next week.

- Really?
- Yeah.

But you repaired all the...

All the digging, yeah, shh, quiet.

I'm gonna have to give it
a big two thumbs down.

[Larry] What a surprise!

I'm Andy Portico, thanks for watching.

- Isn't that clever?
- Yeah.

The thumbs down.

It's real original, the thumbs down.

I mean, it's really awful
that this guy's, you know

he's controlling the fate of
our restaurant practically.

I know, it's so subjective isn't it?

- It's terrible.
- How does he decide?

You know, guy couldn't get dates.

He takes it out on the
rest of the world.

I couldn't get dates, you don't
see me taking it out on anybody.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

I don't know about that.

But, listen, don't you know
somebody who knows him?

Could put in a good word.

You know,
Jeff's daughter

actually goes to the
same school as his son.

Oh, that's a start, right?

Ah, Jeff's not gonna say anything.

Goodnight.

What the hell are you
kissing me good night for

with that cough?

Can you get the lights please?

You know how bookstores
make you feel stupid?

Well, health food stores really
make me feel unhealthy.

Hey, what's this bullshit, by the way?

Susie making up this story
about going to the dentist.

She had a dentist appointment.

Well, 'cause Cheryl doesn't
believe a word of it.

I was with her.

Yeah, she keeps breaking these
appointments with Cheryl.

I was with her.
What do you want?

I can't find this colon cleanser.

Ask somebody.

We've been up and down
the store ten times.

Ask somebody, that's why.

- Excuse me.
- Yeah?

I'm looking for a colon cleanser.

- Oh, Adam?
- Hmm?

Where's the Colon Cleanse?

- The what?
- The Colon Cleanse.

Uh, colon cleanse is aisle
"G", it's right behind you.

Oh, okay.

It's just right around the
corner, right there.

It's for my wife.
It's for my wife.

- Who's that guy?
- I don't know.

Boy, does he look familiar.

Does he not look familiar to you?

Who's that?

I know that...

The chef, that's our chef.

Our chef's bald.

That's the chef.

Hey!

- Hey, Larry.
- Phil, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What's with the...

I thought you said you didn't want...

Well, yeah, I did, uh...

- Came into the interview.
- Yes.

I-I just assumed, and I was right that

you were one of those
people who find that men

who enhance their appearance
are wrong and stupid

so I took my toupee off.

You came in bald just to get the job?

I'm-I'm sorry
I deceived you.

I hope this doesn't, you
know, affect, you know...

Well, I'm sorry, but it will.

You-you got hired under false pretenses.

But it had nothing to do
with my food though.

I know, but I don't trust you.

What are you talking about?

No, I'm sorry.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Let's go.

I mean, what was he thinking?

That for the next five years

was he gonna come into work every day

and leave the toupee at home?

Yeah, right. Just wear it on weekends.

Live a double life.

Unbelievable.

- He had no plan.
- He had a good plan.

He knew how to get hired.

Oh, like you wouldn't
hire a fat guy, huh?

You don't have a proclivity
for fat people?

I think you got a strong
proclivity for fat people.

If a fat guy came in, you
wouldn't want to hire him?

You would've been all over that fat guy.

You would've loved that
fat guy, don't tell me.

All things being equal,
I'd hire the fat man.

Oh, that's right.

And, by the way, it's not like
I don't hire other people

who aren't bald, okay?

I don't have a bald manager.

I don't have a bald lawyer.

Yeah, you have a bald accountant,

a bald urologist, a bald travel agent.

You have far more bald professionals

than the average person.

Okay, so I do, so, so what?

Well, I just want you to notice.

Okay, I notice, it's duly noted.

Alright, I knew you'd
say "duly noted" too.

Oh, did you?
Oh, you're so smart.

You know everything
I say before I say it.

- Before you say it.
- Oh, what a genius you are.

"Oh, what a genius you are."

Oh, you knew I was gonna
say to that too?

I knew you were gonna say that too.

Oh, I knew you were gonna say that.

Oh, jeez.

Alright, listen,
I got to go...

We are in so much trouble
here, oh, my God.

I got to tell these investors now

what just happened, we have no chef.

This just stinks.

Yeah, wow, you got to tell them.

I'll be there with you, but
you got to tell them.

We open in four days, no chef.

And you're gonna tell them
you just fired our chef

because he wears a toupee.

Listen, I got to go to Sammi's school

drop off her lunch, and then
I'll take you to your office.

I don't understand, your
daughter goes here?

I see older kids.

It's K through 12, the whole thing.

Oh.
Oh, dear.

Aw, look at that.

Poor kid lost his hair,
he's getting chemo.

No, no, he's not going
through chemotherapy.

Another kid in class is
and a lot of the boys

in the senior class, as
a show of solidarity

have shaved their heads.

- Really?
- Yeah.

[Larry] That's really something.

You know what, maybe

maybe one day
I'll get a chance to do

something good for somebody like that.

It's really touching.

You've already got like kind
of a head start actually.

Ha, funny.

What's all this?

The parents and the kids,
they play dodge ball.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yep.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

You know...

Hey, is that, uh...

- Andy Portico.
- That's Portico.

- Yeah.
- Come on!

[Larry] Boy, is he into it.

Have you ever talked to him
about the restaurant?

No, I wouldn't dare.

I used to love playing dodge ball.

You like playing dodge ball?

Oh, yeah.

Why don't you play, get in the game?

Aw, you know, they got a
whole thing going here.

They can add, it's a fun game.

I'm not gonna ask them.

- Come on, Sandra?
- Oh, come on.

- Can my friend play?
- Sure!

Go ahead, I'm gonna go take
the lunchbox to Sammi.

I'll see you in a few.

Alright, I'm gonna play some dodge ball.

Have a good time.

Okay, let's get going here.

- Alright, Larry David.
- Hey.

Hey, I'm coming to your
restaurant next week.

- Oh, okay.
- I'm gonna review it. Ha ha!

Come on, Larry!
Ha, ha, ha, ha.

You're out!

Alright, you're out.

- It hit the ground.
- It's bullshit!

- Hit the ground.
- Get out of there!

- Hit the ground, Portico.
- You're out!

Ow, fuck!

What have you done?
Aw, oh, ugh.

What the fuck?

Sorry.

How could this possibly happen?

What were you doing playing
dodge ball with Andy Portico?

Adults were playing, okay?

It was a parents-kids game.

Well, what are you, what are you...

What are you throwing it so hard for?

What, you're injuring him
what are you doing?

I got involved in the game.

He was acting like a bit of
an asshole, too, by the way.

It wasn't all my fault.

What about the cook?

We-we open in three days,
we don't have a chef.

Well, the guy was full of shit.

He tried to pass himself off
as bald, and he wasn't bald.

What do you want me to do?

So big deal, so, he wears a
toupee when he's not here.

Who cares?

'Cause he's liar, the guy's a bald-faced

literally, a bald-faced liar.

We've got more problems than that.

We have lost investors.

- Ted's gone.
- Hugh's gone.

Ted Danson is gone.

Okay but I made up that money

you know that, so what,
so what are you saying?

We are trying to open a restaurant.

You've got to pull us out of this mire

that we are wallowing in.

What about the muck?
Are we in any muck?

We are...
Oh, we're in a big muck.

We don't have a chef.

Well, if we're in mire

I would assume that we're also in muck.

Usually one is in muck and mire.

And he just said
I was in a mire.

And I was just trying to ascertain

whether or not muck was
involved as well.

[Jeff] You were trying to ascertain?

- Yes.
- Okay.

Let's not change the
subject because I...

Ascertain.

You know, all of this is moot

because after what he
did to Portico, okay

he's gonna slaughter us, okay?

He's gonna put his thumbs
through the table.

Apologize to Portico.

You know,
I'll apologize.

It's not gonna, it's not gonna...

Apologize to Portico, that's it.

What's the big deal,
Larry?

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

Alright, I'll go apologize.
Let's talk about a new chef.

Everybody's got a...

You know, Ted knew another guy...

Never mind.

- Oh, Larry.
- Andy.

Yeah, you know, I'd get
up and shake your hand

except I don't really have any
hands to shake, you know?

Oh, my gosh.

Well, this is what happens
when you break your thumbs.

Oh, God Almighty.

And I'm a fucking Muppet.

- I'm so sorry, Andy.
- Alright, you know...

- You know--
- I'm sorry too.

We were playing a game and
I, we were into it and...

And you threw the thing like it
was a fucking hydrogen bomb.

I just, you know,
I hadn't played in a long time

and I was having fun and...

Well...

I won't be able to review
the restaurant, of course.

Why not?

Because I can't do
thumbs up, thumbs down.

That's my whole gimmick.

I can't do the show for two
months, what am I gonna do?

I can't do this...

Because you can't...

Because I can't do my shtick.

Oh, what a shame.

Yeah, well...

If you can't do the thumbs up...

I can't do thumbs up, thumbs down.

You can't go like this.

I can't go like this.

From a stupid dodge ball game.

From a stupid dodge ball game.

Well, in any event, it's a shame that

you're gonna miss the
opening of the restaurant.

You're not gonna be able to review it.

And, what am I talking about opening?

There's no opening, anyway,
because we don't have a chef.

- You lost your chef?
- Lost the chef, yeah.

Well, that's, uh, crucial.

Yeah, I'd-I'd say.

You know, as it happens

I know a great chef who
just left Martines.

You know Martines.

Of course I know Martines, in New York.

Yeah, and as a matter of
fact, he's out here now.

He's weighing offers.

I got to get this guy's name.

Guy Bernier is his name.

- Guy Bernier?
- Guy Bernier.

Okay. Okay, I want--

I could put in a word for you.

Would you?

'Cause I have a lot of
credibility with him.

Well this is... I don't
even know what to say.

Hey, look,
I'm happy to do it.

You know, I mean, no hard
feelings, honestly.

You know, it's like this
could've happened to anyone.

- I brought you your lunch.
- You don't mind if I...

Lunch.
Excuse me.

Please.

It's spaghetti with marinara
sauce and some cheese.

Okay, you fucking idiot,
you fucking moron.

How am I supposed to eat that, huh?

Am I supposed to suck it up my ass?

Didn't I ask you to get
me a protein shake

or something
I could eat, you know

with, like, through a straw?

Listen, I'm fucking hungry
so order me something.

I don't care what it is.

Get me something
I can fucking eat.

I'll order something else.

Jesus.

I mean, fucking idiot, you know?

- It's not like I--
- Hey, you know what?

Don't pay her.

Don't worry about it.
I'll help you out here.

Let's make this happen.

- Larry, no.
- Okay, come on.

No, no, come on, really, honestly.

Aw, listen, don't.

- No, no, no.
- Andy, will you stop it?

Please, now really.

No, no, you please, no, you please.

- No, I, uh...
- No, come on.

Good, good, good.

Good.
It's good, isn't it?

Have some. Good.

Oh. Andy.

Oh, my gosh,
I'm sorry.

What the fuck are you doing?

Hey, here you go.

I-I think that I should mention

that I have one problem.

And that problem is with salmon.

I won't buy it, I won't
broil it, I won't bake it.

Oh.

Well, you got a problem
with salmon, huh?

- Oh, a big problem.
- Big problem.

Well, we won't, we won't
have salmon, right?

- No, absolutely.
- Salmon's out.

Plenty of fish in the sea.

- Who needs it?
- And also, uh, caper.

I can't stand capers either.

I don't like them.

If I see one caper in the kitchen

there's going to be big problem.

- Uh-huh, okay.
- Okay.

- Alright, no capers.
- No capers.

Alright.
Forget capers.

- Okay. Okay?
- Okay.

Oh, this is great.

Do you remember
Martines in New York?

Yeah, sure.

I've been there about
three or four times.

- This is the guy.
- I know, I know.

Voila.

Okay.

[Guy] Thank you very much.

Thank you.

It's my pleasure.
It's fantastic spot.

We're thrilled to have you.

I'm thrilled too.

Okay, well, now
I have appointment.

I have to go.
So okay, bye.

Okay, bye.

- See you tomorrow.
- See you tomorrow.

Oh, this is... I'm, I can't...

- Well, Larry...
- Nice job.

You...

[Guy] Shit, shit-face
fuck, shit, cocksucker.

Oh, I'd better get a ticket.

He's got some 'tude, this guy, huh?

Some champagne?

Shall we break out the champagne?

Yeah, let's crack open a
bottle of the good stuff.

[Cheryl] Look at your car.

Why is your car always so filthy?

Are you kidding me?

Ew, it's dirty...

All of it, inside, outside.

Alright, fine.
Sit down.

- Am I gonna get dirty?
- Huh?

You need to wash this, seriously.

Okay, fine,
I'll wash it right now.

No, not now.

No, you can't do it now.

I'm meeting Susie for lunch.

It's right on the way,
don't worry about it.

Listen, this is our make-up lunch

and I don't want to be late for it.

It takes two minutes.

I just don't want another
falling out with her.

Listen to how low my voice is today.

Oh, hey, down, down, down.

I'm starting to get stomach cramps.

Down, down.

From that Colon Cleanse.

Hear that note?
Down.

Outstanding.

And they are miles.

How long do you think this is gonna...

How long do you think
this is gonna last?

Aww...

I think I have to find a
bathroom pretty soon.

It's really, like...

Hey, what's the deal here,
are we even moving?

Are we moving?

How long is this thing supposed to take?

Do you know?

I got news for you,
we're not even moving.

- Are we stuck in this thing?
- We're not moving.

We're not moving.

- Hey!
- Hello?

Hey!

Hey!

- Hey!
- Larry, seriously.

Hey!

Bang on your window. Hey!

Oh, my God.

Seriously, I'm seriously starting to...

It's getting to the
point of an emergency.

I can't be in this car for
much longer, I can't.

Hey!

Hey!

- Wait a second.
- Oh, my God.

- Let me call information.
- Seriously.

I'll get them on the phone.

I'm getting sweaty.

I got to go,
I really got to go.

Alright, just hold on a second.

Hello, yes, I'd like the
number of a Glen-Rock...

Glen, Glen-Rock!

Oh, God.

Glen-Rock!

R-O-C-K, Los Angeles!

Yes, connect!

Glen-Rock car wash.

Hello!
I'm stuck in your car wash!

What?

I said I'm stuck in your car wash!

Tell them it's an emergency.

It's an emerg...

They need to turn it off or something.

Turn off your car wash!

I can't hear a word you're saying.

Turn off your car wash!

Alright, what are they saying?

Call back later.

Oh, God, Larry,
I can't wait.

I can't wait.
I got to go!

I got to go, I got to go,
I got to go, I got to go!

I'm just saying
Susie's crazed, man.

She hung up on Cheryl.

A car wash, who gets
stuck in a car wash?

It's the truth.

We were stuck in a car wash.

You weren't stuck in a car wash.

The car got stuck in one spot

and she got out and she was soaking wet.

That's why she canceled.

You're telling me the truth?

I'm telling you the truth.

I believe you.

But Susie's never gonna
believe any of this.

- Well, whatever, you know.
- Okay?

Hey, so-so let me ask you.

Are you thinking about
anything that you want

to put down on the table

like, before people come in?

When they first sit down?

Do you want to have like bread
or something or bread sticks?

- Um, olives.
- Like a pickle.

Olives, no, I'm sorry for
interruption but is not...

They are really ridiculous, olives.

What do you do with pit?

Ever, never, you can
do nothing with pit.

It's ridiculous.

No, olives,
I'm sorry...

Put in a pit plate or an
ash tray or something.

[Guy] A pit plate, ash tray, pit...

Why don't you just call
it a garbage plate?

- Okay.
- Yeah, he's right.

The personality on this guy, huh?

- He's a piece of work.
- Okay. Um...

[Jeff] What else?

- Something light.
- Carrot sticks, celery.

What about, what about
lemon, lemon in the water?

Motherfucking cocksucker asshole!

I'm starting to think
that that's involuntary.

Viola, everything is finished now.

It's perfect, it's fantastic, okay?

I just want to say one thing that

I am so humbled to be working

in such a restaurant of quality, huh?

- It's fantastic.
- Oh, it's an honor.

Bye-bye,
I see you tomorrow, yes?

- See you tomorrow.
- Yes, bye-bye.

What do they call that,
Tourette's?

- Tourette's Syndrome.
- Wow.

He's got
Tourette's Syndrome.

Portico.

Portico.

- Portico. Portico.
- Recommended.

- Portico.
- Fucking Portico!

That prick,
I don't believe it.

He's laughing right now.

That motherfucker.

You believe that guy would do
something like that on purpose?

[Jeff] Of course he would.

The joke's on us 'cause we
need to find another chef.

Yeah, we got to let him go.

- What?
- Yeah.

We open tomorrow, you
want to let him go?

It, no, but it would be different

if the kitchen wasn't, didn't
look out onto the dining room.

If it was a, you know...

He's on, practically
on stage over there.

It's the design of this room.

It's like a floor show.

We're gonna be known as the restaurant

the chef that swears.

It's, this is a nightmare.
This'll ruin, this'll ruin us.

We're gonna be a laughing stock

if we allow this to happen.
Are you kidding me?

We have to get rid of him.

- No.
- We can't have that.

- What do you mean no?
- We can't fire him.

- Why?
- Why?

He's a survivor.

And then I called Martines, you
know that's the restaurant

where he used to work in New York.

[Cheryl] Okay.

And they told me that their
kitchen was in the back.

So the cursing didn't bother anybody.

There was too much noise.

The only people who could hear him

were the people who
worked in the kitchen.

But our kitchen's right in the front.

He's gonna be right there.

He's gonna be cursing up a storm.

People could be eating their dinner.

Oh, my God.

And, of course, you couldn't fire him.

Yeah, I'm not gonna fire a survivor.

No, you couldn't do that.

- What do you think?
- Whoa, wow, look at you!

Is it too "Knots Landing?"

I know it's a TV show but I don't
get the reference at all.

- Anyway, but you like it?
- Yeah, it looks great.

- It's not too dressy?
- No, I like it.

Um, well, maybe he won't curse tonight.

He can't control it.
Nothing can control it.

I've seen him twice, and
he's cursed both times.

I mean, the only thing
I don't get is

why he doesn't curse in French.

Why is he cursing in English?

That "motherfucker," where
did he get that from?

- I don't know.
- Cocksucker.

Stop it, he does not say "cocksucker."

- He does.
- He does?

Only in English,
I don't understand.

Aren't there obscenities in
French there that he could say?

Listen, can I just tell you,
before we even get there

that I am not looking forward
to running into Susie Greene.

- Susie Greene, yeah.
- Yeah. She hates me.

She really hates me now.
She won't even talk to me.

You know, I mean, what am I gonna do?

Just...

I wouldn't even go if I were you.

It's too awkward.

You're probably right.

Maybe I'll just sit in the car.

- Aw, yeah.
- How about that?

Really, that's what you should do.

Alright.

Alright, let's get out of here.

- Oh, geez.
- Whoa!

- Wow.
- Wow.

[Larry] Look at that.

See, there's a room over there.

- Yeah, this is pretty big.
- Yeah.

- Huh? Pretty good.
- I am very impressed.

- Huh?
- Yeah.

- Not bad.
- Not bad.

[Larry] See, see, the
bell, now watch this.

- Wow.
- Huh?

- It works.
- Yeah, it works.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Oh, hi.
- Wow.

- Uh-huh.
- Huh?

- It's happening, my friend.
- Pretty cool.

Hi, Jeff, good to see you.

This is Cheryl.

These are, these are
my investor friends.

[Cheryl] Wow, hi.

[Larry] Lou, Jim, Michael, Teresa.

- Pleasure.
- Nice to meet you.

- Great.
- What do you think?

I am very impressed.

She's a little knocked out, I think.

This is not what I expected.

Well, we couldn't have done
it without the big guy here.

- Is that right?
- He stepped up, you know?

He stepped up.

It was a little rocky there for awhile.

That's an understatement.

I think Jim's had a
couple of champagnes.

I think Jim Swanson's out of control.

I'm a little nervous, but I
think we're gonna make it.

- It really looks great.
- It does.

Again, eat your heart out,
Ted Danson.

That's all I have to say.

- Cheers.
- Huh?

Cheers, yeah, you got it.

Yeah, cheers.

Where's your wife?

Oh, she'll be here in a little while.

Uh-huh.

And what's going on with Guy?

Any outbursts?

So far, so good.

Yeah, I haven't heard anything.

- Yeah, not a peep.
- Yeah.

Oh, hey, look, there's your parents.

Hey, there's my dad.

Hello, hey.

It's delicious.

Bonsoir.

Aw bonsoir.
How are you, huh?

Oh, tres bien, tres bien.

Well, it seems like a
big success for you.

Oh, my gosh, can you believe
what's going on here?

It's gigantic.

And you're feeling good?

Oh, actually, you know,
I'm quite upset.

- I'm very upset.
- Really?

Yes, I lost the lottery
by one number only.

- One number?
- Yes, one!

Yes, look at that, I was one
number off in the lottery.

It ends with seven, one.

Here, I have four, one.

What's the point, huh?

It's all rigged, anyway,
I'm quite sure of that, huh?

Hey turn that down.

What do you think you are
doing, cooking a goat?

- Hey, thank you.
- Congratulations.

- Thank you.
- Congratulations.

Let's get that waiter.

[Guy] Fuckhead, shit-face, cocksucker

asshole, son of a bitch!

[Larry] Maybe one day,
I'll get a chance to do something good

for somebody like that.

Scum-sucking, motherfucking whore!

Cock, cock, jism!

Grandma, cock!

Bum, fuck, turd, fart.

Cunt, piss, shit, bugger and balls!

Damn it, hell, crap

shit!

You goddamn motherfucking bitch!

Fuck you, you car wash cunt!

I had a dental appointment!

Fellatio, cunnilingus,
French kissing.

Rim job.

Right, piss.

Fucking, fucking, fuck, fuck.

Schmuck, fucks, a tuckus ticker.

Pussy, pig fucker.

- Balls.
- Balls.

Boy cock, girl cock,
E-I-E-I-O.

Fuck whore!
Tits! Slut!