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Come on, we can't. We'll wake up the baby.
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That is what old reliable is for.
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[romantic soul music playing]
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Besides, babies at this age don't remember anything.
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[romantic soul music continues]
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♪ Life is unfair.
7
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LOIS: What is wrong with you?
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You two ruin everything.
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Look what you've done to this shirt.
10
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You saw the price tag, and you knew
11
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I'd just bought it.
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This has become a daily event.
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She actually pays more attention to them than to us.
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[loud clang]
15
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Maybe that's not a bad thing.
16
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Do you think I can afford to keep on buying new clothes?
17
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Oh, honey, come on. Hey. Enough is enough.
18
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Look, I want you to go out and buy a new washer and dryer.
19
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You know we can't afford that.
20
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Look, I wasn't going to say anything yet,
21
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but you know all those crappy stock options
22
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I've been getting instead of bonuses?
23
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Well, I think they're finally going to be worth something.
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There have been people flying back and forth to New York
25
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and all these closed-door meetings.
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I think that merger is finally going through.
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Oh, Hal, that would be wonderful.
28
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Bye, Mom. Bye, Dad.
29
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Don't want to be late for school today.
30
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I'm handing in my diorama.
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No, no, no!
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16 weeks of Intermediate Psychology,
33
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and you can't classify a simple test case?
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I thought at least your ears were functional, Kenarban.
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I know castration complex when I see it.
36
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I'm trying to get you to go beyond convenient labels.
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To quote Blake,
38
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"To generalize is to be a fool."
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Idiot. Excuse me?
40
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Blake wrote, "To generalize is to be an idiot."
41
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Thank you, Malcolm.[bell rings]
42
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Tomorrow, people, I want
43
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progress reports on your term projects.
44
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I have to talk to Herkabe for a second. Will you wait up?
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Got gym.
46
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Have to change...
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my tires.
48
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Mr. Herkabe, you still haven't given me my term project.
49
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I've been asking you every day for a month.
50
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Malcolm, you make it sound like I'm trying
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to sabotage your impeccable grade-point average.
52
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Please just give me something
53
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so I can get started. All right, tell you what.
54
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Why don't you come by my office at lunch
55
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and I'll give you your assignment.
56
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Your office?
57
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Why is everybody so afraid of my office?
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A reminder, class officer ballots
59
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can be picked up at the registrar's office.
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JV basketball practice
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will again be held in the auxiliary gym.
62
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Oh, and Patty Lin committed a Code Nine in the library
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and is hereby suspended.
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[plays sprightly tones]
65
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I trust the stick of gum was worth it.
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Ah, Malcolm. You have waited
67
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very patiently for your term project,
68
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and today your patience pays off.
69
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Here.
70
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What's this?
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You are holding a video surveillance camera.
72
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The lens is in the logo, and the video is transmitted
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via wireless signal to this digital tape recorder.
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What am I supposed to do with it?
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You are going to secretly conduct
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an in-depth case study of a deviant mind,
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the most deviant mind that we have at our disposal.
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A mind incapable of differentiating
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between right and wrong, a diseased...
80
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You're talking about my brother.Yes.
81
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And you want me to secretly videotape him?
82
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Around you, he'll relax, let his guard down,
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begin to talk about himself.
84
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These disciplinary files reveal nothing of the real Reese.
85
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What you're asking me to do
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is creepy on about a hundred different levels.
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You have one week.
88
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The newspaper is here.
89
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The newspaper is here.
90
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The newspaper is here.
91
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You know those come out every day, right?
92
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No, no, today is the day
93
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our review appears in the Lifestyle section.
94
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Charles Cutler himself came out.
95
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He only does the biggies.
96
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Francis, you read it... I'm too nervous.
97
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"A visit to the Grotto raises many questions,
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"foremost among them,
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"how could a kind and loving God
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grant these monsters a hotel license?"
101
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PIAMA: "From the swinish cretins"
102
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"posing as staff members up to and including
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"cuisine that would embarrass an orphanage,
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"the Grotto is quite simply
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the worst hotel in the history of the world."
106
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I'm sorry. I was so nervous, I wasn't even listening.
107
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Start again.
108
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Hey, have you seen Dewey anywhere?
109
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I want to try something out on him.
110
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No. So, uh, how are you?
111
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Huh?
112
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I'm just curious how you're feeling.
113
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How the hell should I know?
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Well, are you happy?
115
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Are you sad?
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Like, when you laugh,
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you're feeling that something's funny.
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Like when I tripped Arthur Hall
119
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and his retainer went flying out of his mouth
120
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into a pile of dog crap? That was awesome.
121
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So you think it's funny when other people get hurt?
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I think it's funny when you shut up.
123
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Okay. Okay.
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Hey, they laugh at me.
125
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People laugh at you?
126
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Yeah, people laugh at me.
127
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But not for long.
128
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So, what you're saying is,
129
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when people laugh at you, it hurts,
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and then you want to make them hurt, too?
131
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No. What I'm saying is,
132
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if you want to talk like a girl, go find a girl...
133
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and take this with you.
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[Malcolm grunts]
135
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[Malcolm groans softly]
136
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See? It is funny. MALCOLM: Ow.
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LOIS: The 4400 has
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the dual-speed rinse cycle?
139
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Mm-hmm. No. No, I placed my order four days ago.
140
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I just like talking about it.
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Hi, Dewey. How was school?
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Good. Great.
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I was definitely there.
144
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Eight times five... 40.
145
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What are you...?
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[phone ringing]
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Hello?
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Hi, honey. What have you heard?
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You're kidding.
150
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Well, who was at the meeting?
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HAL: Everybody.
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People have been running in and out
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of the boardroom all day.
154
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No, I've just been playing Tetris.
155
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Oop. Here he comes.
156
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Hal.
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Mr. Fortinberry.
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Could you pull my jacket up over my head?
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Sure.
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Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
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It's unbelievable.
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The whole company is under investigation.
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They used the pension fund
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to buy a recording studio for the CEO's girlfriend.
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Oh, Hal, this is horrible.
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Okay, okay. Don't worry about this.
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We're going to figure this out somehow.
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[sighs]
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[speed-dialing]
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Hello, Gene, it's Lois.
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Order 387669289-1...
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I'm afraid I have to cancel.
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Great.
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The Flagstaff Elks
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just canceled their convention here.
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Who can blame them?
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That review was horrible.
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Hey, Otto.
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How's it going? We going to get out of the robe today?
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Innkeeper of the Year?
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Hmm.
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It is the lie of the century.
183
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Otto, what are you doing?
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You worked hard for that award.
185
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What was that, Francis?
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I couldn't hear you
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over the crackle of my failure.
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I have dreams where I sing.
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Really high, like that Saturday Night Feverguy.
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Okay.
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Well, you were sort of asking me about, you know, stuff.
192
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I thought you wanted to know.
193
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I do want to know.
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Is your head cold?
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Mine is.
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No. It's okay.
197
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So, you were singing in this dream?
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Yeah.
199
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And there were all these clouds around me.
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You like clouds?
201
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Yeah, I like clouds.
202
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I call them sky kittens.
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This is so weird.
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I've never told any of this to anyone.
205
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It's like you're another wishing hole.
206
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What's a wishing hole?
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You don't have a wishing hole? No.
208
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Oh, man, you got to get one.
209
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Mine's in a tree on Jefferson Street.
210
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You can ask your wishing hole for anything.
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It never calls you stupid or perv.
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My hole always keeps my wishes safe.
213
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It's like a bank for wishes.
214
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It's extraordinary footage.
215
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Yeah, but I only got it
216
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by doing something totally dishonest.
217
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I'm not doing this anymore.
218
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What? Why would you stop now
219
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when you could go so much deeper?
220
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He took me to his wishing hole.
221
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Malcolm,
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he wants to talk to you.
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Be his friend.
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He trusted me, and I exploited him.
225
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That's called being a good interviewer.
226
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It's called being a liar. He's my brother.
227
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I'm not giving you another assignment.
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Fine. I'll just make up the class in summer school.
229
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But I quit.
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[instrumental music plays]
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[grunting]
232
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[applause and cheering]
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[gasping]
234
00:10:20,358 --> 00:10:22,665
[bells jingling]
235
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[applause and cheering]
236
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There are... 50 kinds...
237
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of negative...
238
00:10:36,418 --> 00:10:38,768
trans...
239
00:10:38,812 --> 00:10:40,901
ference.
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Starting with...
241
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Well done, Stevie.
242
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I think we can all just fill in the blanks from there.
243
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Now, we have just enough time for one more presentation.
244
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And our friend Malcolm
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is going to amaze us with a fascinating update
246
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of the Milgram Experiment.
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Milgram Experiment?
248
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Oh, something you don't know, Malcolm.
249
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The Milgram Experiment
250
00:11:13,237 --> 00:11:14,848
was a lesson in the power of authority.
251
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A subject was asked by a man in a lab coat
252
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to administer an electric shock to a third party.
253
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Milgram proved that people will blindly
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follow an authority figure
255
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even if it means harming an innocent stranger.
256
00:11:28,644 --> 00:11:30,080
What are you doing? In our version,
257
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the stranger will be replaced by a close family member.
258
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And the electric shock will be replaced
259
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by devastating emotional trauma.
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Let's watch.
261
00:11:41,570 --> 00:11:43,398
Yeah, I like clouds.
262
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I call them sky kittens.
263
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It's troubling, isn't it?
264
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How willing someone is to sell out his own brother,
265
00:11:50,579 --> 00:11:52,624
knowing full well that it's exactly that kind
266
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of juicy gossip that would compel
267
00:11:53,930 --> 00:11:55,758
each of you to run into the quad
268
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and spread this throughout the school like wildfire.
269
00:11:58,413 --> 00:11:59,370
Hey, that is not...
270
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Malcolm, I am teaching.
271
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[tape squealing]
272
00:12:02,156 --> 00:12:04,419
It's called being a liar.
273
00:12:04,462 --> 00:12:05,420
He's my brother.
274
00:12:05,463 --> 00:12:06,987
And I exploited him.
275
00:12:07,030 --> 00:12:08,423
A liar. He's my brother.
276
00:12:08,466 --> 00:12:10,817
And I exploited him. And I exploited him.
277
00:12:10,860 --> 00:12:13,036
You never said you were taping me.
278
00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:16,257
I never said I was taping him.
279
00:12:16,866 --> 00:12:18,694
[tape squealing]
280
00:12:19,956 --> 00:12:23,960
I wish Malcolm and I will be friends forever.
281
00:12:29,052 --> 00:12:29,966
Breathtaking, isn't it?
282
00:12:30,010 --> 00:12:32,055
Now, none of us can know
283
00:12:32,099 --> 00:12:34,144
if we would do that to a loved one just because
284
00:12:34,188 --> 00:12:36,843
a man in a proverbial lab coat asked us to.
285
00:12:36,886 --> 00:12:39,628
All we can know for certain...
286
00:12:39,671 --> 00:12:41,761
is that Malcolm did.
287
00:12:44,633 --> 00:12:46,069
Tomorrow, Katy reports
288
00:12:46,113 --> 00:12:48,073
on post-traumatic stress disorder in fruit flies.
289
00:12:54,121 --> 00:12:56,384
Hey! You made me look like a total jerk!
290
00:12:56,427 --> 00:12:57,167
You tricked me!
291
00:12:57,211 --> 00:12:58,995
Tricked you? Oh, how could I,
292
00:12:59,039 --> 00:13:02,651
a humble school administrator making low five figures,
293
00:13:02,694 --> 00:13:04,392
be any match for the great
294
00:13:04,435 --> 00:13:06,263
and powerful Malcolm?
295
00:13:06,307 --> 00:13:07,961
Never underestimate your adversary!
296
00:13:08,004 --> 00:13:10,485
You may consider yourself my
moral and intellectual superior,
297
00:13:10,528 --> 00:13:13,009
but this has clearly proven you are neither.
298
00:13:14,010 --> 00:13:16,926
We played the game and I won.
299
00:13:16,970 --> 00:13:18,232
[engine starts]
300
00:13:18,275 --> 00:13:20,843
[engine dies]
301
00:13:20,887 --> 00:13:23,454
[starter chugging]
302
00:13:28,895 --> 00:13:30,853
Well, it looks as if neither of us
303
00:13:30,897 --> 00:13:33,856
is going anywhere for a while.
304
00:13:33,900 --> 00:13:37,077
Perhaps I said some things
305
00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:39,862
that you may have taken the wrong way.
306
00:13:39,906 --> 00:13:43,126
Anyway, I bought you something.
307
00:13:43,170 --> 00:13:45,737
Name-brand fabric softener.
308
00:13:45,781 --> 00:13:47,522
Oh, look at this.
309
00:13:47,565 --> 00:13:49,872
Our chief financial officer had his dog
310
00:13:49,916 --> 00:13:51,047
on the board of directors.
311
00:13:51,091 --> 00:13:54,094
I had to cc him on every memo.
312
00:13:54,137 --> 00:13:55,138
Mom, Dad,
313
00:13:55,182 --> 00:13:56,531
I have a question about school.
314
00:13:56,574 --> 00:13:58,794
Let's say you're making a lot of money.
315
00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:00,100
I mean, so much money
316
00:14:00,143 --> 00:14:01,884
that the idea of going to school is...
317
00:14:01,928 --> 00:14:03,016
You have to go to school.
318
00:14:03,059 --> 00:14:03,930
But what if you're already making,
319
00:14:03,973 --> 00:14:05,975
like, $400 or $500 a week?
320
00:14:06,019 --> 00:14:06,976
Yeah, Dewey,
321
00:14:07,020 --> 00:14:07,934
you start making $400 or $500 a week,
322
00:14:07,977 --> 00:14:09,239
you can quit school.
323
00:14:09,283 --> 00:14:11,372
Okay.
324
00:14:26,953 --> 00:14:29,259
This is an official apology.
325
00:14:29,303 --> 00:14:33,698
I'm a terrible person and I'm sorry.
326
00:14:33,742 --> 00:14:36,179
What I did was horrible even by our standards.
327
00:14:36,223 --> 00:14:36,919
And let's face it,
328
00:14:36,963 --> 00:14:38,790
we've set the bar pretty low.
329
00:14:38,834 --> 00:14:40,009
Look, I'm begging you.
330
00:14:40,053 --> 00:14:43,143
Tell me what I can do to fix it, anything.
331
00:14:43,186 --> 00:14:45,362
Just, just say it and I'll do it.
332
00:14:45,406 --> 00:14:47,147
Sure.
333
00:14:47,190 --> 00:14:49,192
Fly backwards around the Earth like Superman
334
00:14:49,236 --> 00:14:50,324
and turn back time
335
00:14:50,367 --> 00:14:52,630
to before I thought we liked each other.
336
00:14:54,981 --> 00:14:56,069
I still can't believe
337
00:14:56,112 --> 00:14:57,722
you convinced the newspaper
338
00:14:57,766 --> 00:14:59,202
to give us another review.
339
00:14:59,246 --> 00:15:01,180
Honey, you of all people know how persuasive I can be.
340
00:15:01,204 --> 00:15:02,553
You cried.
341
00:15:02,597 --> 00:15:03,946
Like a baby.
342
00:15:03,990 --> 00:15:05,078
He is here!
343
00:15:05,121 --> 00:15:07,471
Everyone, act normal!
344
00:15:10,257 --> 00:15:12,433
Welcome to the Grotto.
345
00:15:12,476 --> 00:15:15,392
Ah, the Grotto.
346
00:15:15,436 --> 00:15:18,874
Upon entering, one wonders which of the five senses
347
00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:21,181
is most brutally violated.
348
00:15:21,224 --> 00:15:24,184
Did you have a nice drive up?
349
00:15:24,227 --> 00:15:27,448
Sight and smell immediately burst into the lead
350
00:15:27,491 --> 00:15:31,452
as the obsequious innkeeper
offers his sweaty slab of a hand
351
00:15:31,495 --> 00:15:33,802
like a bear taught to be friendly
352
00:15:33,845 --> 00:15:35,151
in hopes of a sugar cube.
353
00:15:35,195 --> 00:15:37,129
Mr. Cutler, if you would just give us a chance...
354
00:15:37,153 --> 00:15:40,243
And the pleading vultures immediately begin to circle.
355
00:15:40,287 --> 00:15:43,551
Their outlet mall attire creating such a vortex
356
00:15:43,594 --> 00:15:47,033
of misery that one loses the strength to even ask
357
00:15:47,076 --> 00:15:48,382
for a parking validation.
358
00:15:48,425 --> 00:15:49,818
I'll take that for you, sir.
359
00:15:49,861 --> 00:15:54,170
In a pathetic nod to diversity,
360
00:15:54,214 --> 00:15:57,173
they trot out the token native employee.
361
00:15:57,217 --> 00:15:59,610
Uh, that's my wife.
362
00:15:59,654 --> 00:16:04,224
Not content to merely ruin the vacations
363
00:16:04,267 --> 00:16:05,181
of a single generation,
364
00:16:05,225 --> 00:16:08,576
some of the employees decide to mate and breed.
365
00:16:08,619 --> 00:16:11,013
The mind reels, the thought of an endless stream
366
00:16:11,057 --> 00:16:15,017
of baboon-like hoteliers spewed out of the loins of the...
367
00:16:15,061 --> 00:16:17,063
Otto, I'm sorry. I don't know what happened.
368
00:16:17,106 --> 00:16:19,021
It was like someone else was punching him.
369
00:16:19,065 --> 00:16:21,154
Yeah, it was me.
370
00:16:21,197 --> 00:16:23,156
Here's some of his hair
371
00:16:23,199 --> 00:16:26,072
if you need to put it on ice or something.
372
00:16:26,115 --> 00:16:28,204
One recalls fiercer butt-kickings
373
00:16:28,248 --> 00:16:30,946
meted out on a preschool playground.
374
00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:33,166
The wounds are superficial,
375
00:16:33,209 --> 00:16:35,733
the bruising patterns unpersuasive.
376
00:16:35,777 --> 00:16:39,302
And never before has one seen such a grotesque ceiling.
377
00:16:39,346 --> 00:16:40,738
And frankly, blue is not your...
378
00:16:40,782 --> 00:16:43,567
[all gasp]
379
00:16:56,102 --> 00:16:57,668
Hey, there's Mr. Curtis!
380
00:16:57,712 --> 00:17:02,412
See, he's using Pete the muffin guy as a human shield.
381
00:17:02,456 --> 00:17:03,761
Come on.
382
00:17:03,805 --> 00:17:07,416
There's just a pair of socks in there.
383
00:17:07,461 --> 00:17:09,637
What are you doing?[shatters]
384
00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:10,724
[gasps]
385
00:17:10,768 --> 00:17:12,378
Oh, my God!
386
00:17:13,380 --> 00:17:15,338
Look at all this money.
387
00:17:15,382 --> 00:17:18,733
Hal, when did you hide this in here?
388
00:17:18,776 --> 00:17:19,907
HAL: I don't remember.
389
00:17:19,951 --> 00:17:21,344
It must have been years ago.
390
00:17:22,258 --> 00:17:23,781
Is this my Jet Ski fund?
391
00:17:23,825 --> 00:17:26,348
No, no. We used that to get the
remote control out of Reese.
392
00:17:26,393 --> 00:17:28,917
There's got to be like a thousand dollars!
393
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:31,224
$1,473.
394
00:17:31,267 --> 00:17:32,225
Who cares what it's from!
395
00:17:32,268 --> 00:17:33,269
Thank God it's here!
396
00:17:33,313 --> 00:17:35,706
You're a part of this moment, son.
397
00:17:35,750 --> 00:17:39,710
Here, buy yourself a pack of baseball cards.
398
00:17:46,587 --> 00:17:47,240
Ow!
399
00:17:47,283 --> 00:17:49,242
Why'd you do that?
400
00:17:49,285 --> 00:17:50,721
Why you do that?!
401
00:17:50,765 --> 00:17:52,114
Fight, fight, fight!
402
00:17:52,158 --> 00:17:53,352
[all chanting]: Fight, fight, fight!
403
00:17:53,376 --> 00:17:54,812
[chanting continues]
404
00:17:57,641 --> 00:17:59,426
Animals.
405
00:18:12,221 --> 00:18:15,746
Hello, North High students. This is Malcolm.
406
00:18:15,790 --> 00:18:18,184
You all know the horrible thing I did to my brother Reese.
407
00:18:18,227 --> 00:18:20,751
And I'd like to publicly apologize
408
00:18:20,795 --> 00:18:22,753
for turning him into a laughingstock.
409
00:18:22,797 --> 00:18:26,409
I should never have exposed his secrets.
410
00:18:26,453 --> 00:18:28,194
And I can't turn back time.
411
00:18:28,237 --> 00:18:32,154
I can, however, level the playing field.
412
00:18:32,198 --> 00:18:34,548
I have been having impure thoughts
413
00:18:34,591 --> 00:18:37,203
about Shirley the lunch lady.
414
00:18:37,246 --> 00:18:38,204
[laughter]
415
00:18:38,247 --> 00:18:39,398
Last month, I caught a glimpse
416
00:18:39,422 --> 00:18:40,554
of her cleavage
417
00:18:40,597 --> 00:18:43,339
and I've been fantasizing about her ever since.
418
00:18:43,383 --> 00:18:45,733
And now that I've admitted that,
419
00:18:45,776 --> 00:18:48,605
I'm just as big a laughingstock as he is.
420
00:18:48,649 --> 00:18:50,520
Unfortunately, that doesn't protect him
421
00:18:50,564 --> 00:18:52,609
from the rest of the school.
422
00:18:52,653 --> 00:18:55,699
So I'm forced to bring everyone down to our level.
423
00:19:01,270 --> 00:19:03,098
Let's take a look at everyone's
424
00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:04,273
permanent records.
425
00:19:04,317 --> 00:19:05,666
First up,
426
00:19:05,709 --> 00:19:07,320
David Abernathy.
427
00:19:07,363 --> 00:19:09,322
He wasn't on a construction crew this summer.
428
00:19:09,365 --> 00:19:11,628
He was in theater camp.
429
00:19:11,672 --> 00:19:12,412
[laughter]
430
00:19:12,455 --> 00:19:13,456
Cheryl Adams
431
00:19:13,500 --> 00:19:14,762
is excused from gym this week
432
00:19:14,805 --> 00:19:16,590
because her herpes is flaring up.
433
00:19:16,633 --> 00:19:20,550
Charlie Agnew wets his bed every night during finals.
434
00:19:20,594 --> 00:19:24,424
Leslie Albert forged her parents' signatures
435
00:19:24,467 --> 00:19:25,338
to get a nose job.
436
00:19:25,381 --> 00:19:27,862
Well, Mr. Zyzyx, I'd say we have a half an hour
437
00:19:27,905 --> 00:19:30,343
to erase everything on your hard drive.
438
00:19:30,386 --> 00:19:31,387
James Allen...
439
00:19:33,650 --> 00:19:37,045
James Allen, he likes to eat his...
440
00:19:40,527 --> 00:19:41,354
What's all this?
441
00:19:41,397 --> 00:19:43,356
Did you see the paper! It is wonderful!
442
00:19:43,399 --> 00:19:45,227
He actually gave us a good review?
443
00:19:45,271 --> 00:19:46,228
There is no review.
444
00:19:46,272 --> 00:19:49,449
They bumped it for a much more interesting story.
445
00:19:49,492 --> 00:19:52,365
"Crazed local attacks reviewer"?
446
00:19:52,408 --> 00:19:54,236
But what's with all the flowers?
447
00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:57,370
They are thank-yous from restaurants and hotels
448
00:19:57,413 --> 00:19:58,414
and art galleries.
449
00:19:58,458 --> 00:20:01,287
Charles Cutler is the most hated man in the state.
450
00:20:01,330 --> 00:20:04,333
And look at these room reservations.
451
00:20:04,377 --> 00:20:07,249
Other hotels have sent us their overflow.
452
00:20:07,293 --> 00:20:09,512
We are booked solid through May.
453
00:20:09,556 --> 00:20:11,340
I can't believe this guy.
454
00:20:11,384 --> 00:20:13,386
He actually reviewed the hospital.
455
00:20:13,429 --> 00:20:15,388
Oh, yeah, it sounds terrible.
456
00:20:15,431 --> 00:20:17,433
I'm never going there.
457
00:20:21,002 --> 00:20:24,397
If you overload it, you'll burn out the motor.
458
00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:27,487
You're only supposed to use two caps of...
459
00:20:27,530 --> 00:20:29,228
Aw, just let me do it.
460
00:20:31,404 --> 00:20:33,536
Well, I served my three weeks suspension,
461
00:20:33,580 --> 00:20:36,496
and I got to say things have really changed.
462
00:20:36,539 --> 00:20:37,845
I think I might have created
463
00:20:37,888 --> 00:20:40,239
the most polite high school in America.
464
00:20:45,896 --> 00:20:47,855
For the most part.
465
00:20:47,898 --> 00:20:49,422
Hey, plagiarizer.
466
00:20:49,465 --> 00:20:51,424
Hey, pukes-after-she-eats.
467
00:20:51,467 --> 00:20:54,862
Hey, dad-had-a-breakdown-'cause-mom-went-lesbian.
468
00:20:54,905 --> 00:20:58,213
He actually has an amazing memory for this kind of stuff.
32871
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