All language subtitles for Everybody.Hates.Chris.S01E17.Everybody.Hates.Funerals.DVDRip.XviD-TOPAZ

Chris. How many times
do I have to tell you

to quit leaving this damn yo-yo
on the floor?

- What are you trying to do, kill me?
- I forgot where I left it.

Well, will you remember when I fall
down the steps and break my neck?

Sometimes it felt like all
my mother did was yell at everybody.

Tonya, close the door! You're trying
to freeze the whole house?

Drew, turn that mess down!

Are you trying to make
everybody go deaf?

And get your feet off my table.

Julius, pick up your drawers.

Do I have to do everything
around here?

And when I say my mother yelled
at everybody, I mean everybody.

Rochelle! What did I tell me?
Are you trying to drive me crazy?

But there was one person who always
put my mother in a good mood.

Daddy!

My mother loved her daddy.

- And we did too.
- Where's mama?

At the hairdresser.
Where them grandkids of mine?

- Where they at? Hey!
- Grandpa!

My grandfather
was a great storyteller.

He didn't think I was playing

when I smacked him in the head
with that brick.

And to this day, when I go in there,
my food is free.

Man. Do you have
any more good jokes?

Do I got any more good jokes?

- Come on, now. Knock, knock.
- Who's there?

- Pass me them pork chops.
- Pass me them pork chops, who?

No. Pass me them pork chops
right there.

He got you.

I ain't playing with you, son.

What's the rest of the joke, Grandpa?

Okay. Knock, knock.

- Who's there?
- Oh, Lordy!

Oh, Lordy, who?

- I'm dying.
- I'm dying, who?

I'm having a heart...

You're having a heart, who?

Daddy.

Daddy?

Daddy?

I never did find out who was there.

My grandfather passing away
was the first time

I had to deal
with a death in the family.

I didn't know how to react and I guess
my mother didn't either.

Because instead of doing this:

Damn, damn, damn!

She did this:

Good morning, everybody.

I hadn't seen my mother that happy
since Lionel Richie went solo.

I can't believe Gene is gone.

I can't believe
he never finished that joke.

I'm never eating pork chops again.

I can't believe
he died sitting right here.

Everybody has to do die someplace.

Now, eat your eggs.

I hate eggs.
Can I have some toast?

Sure, Tonya. No problem.

Hey, Mom, do I have
to go to school today?

Usually, the only death that could
keep us out of school was our own.

No. Not if you don't want to.

- Cool.
- Chris,

do you wanna stay home today?

No. I have a quiz.

- Can I stay home too?
- Sure.

I didn't know what was wrong
with my mother.

But at that moment,
all I could think of doing was this:

Snap out of it, woman!

Well, everybody have a nice day.

That was weird.

Man, your grandfather died?
That's rough.

I had a parakeet that died once.

I cried for three weeks.

My mom is acting really strange.

You mean strange like...

There's a TV in my head!

Please just make it stop!

Even the crackheads
would be scare of that.

No.

She's just really nice.

So were you guys close?

- Yeah.
- Chris.

Stand up and tell the rest of the class
what you're discussing with Gregory.

- My grandfather died.
- Chris, that's not funny.

What are you gonna do
when your grandfather dies for real?

Just because you didn't study for a test

doesn't mean you can go
killing off your family. Who's next?

Your father? Your mother?

Why don't you kill your sister
or your brother?

He's telling the truth.

Oh, Chris.

Wait.

- You believe him?
- Of course.

- And not me?
- Oh, Chris, your grandfather died.

You might say anything.

What are you doing here? Bring me
your paper. Don't worry about the test.

You're excused.

In honour of my grandfather,
I should have hit her with a brick.

Hi, Mama. You look good.

And that's my grandmother,
Maxine.

She was the only woman
who could out-snob my mother.

Your hair smells funny.

Are you still using that cheap perm?

Dark and Lovely?

Look at mine, it's beautiful.
It's beautiful, isn't it?

Good to see you too, Mama.

That's my Aunt Charlotte.
But we called her Grievy

because we only saw her
at funerals.

No birthdays, no weddings,
just funerals.

Girl, I haven't seen you
since Cheryl's funeral.

- I know, I know, I know.
- Grievy, stop crying. Come on.

- Okay. Okay, let me go.
- Grievy.

- Okay.
- Come on, come on. In here.

- Come on.
- That's Aunt Mousey.

We called her that
because she talked like a mouse

and she only spoke
when spoken directly to.

Hi, Aunt Mousey.

- How you doing?
- Fine.

My uncle Michael was almost 40
and never had a job.

He put the "um" in "bum."

- How you doing?
- Hey, sis. How you doing?

- Good.
- Got something to eat?

Yeah, we're just...

I think he saw a job chasing him.

Hey, Shaft.

That's too bad about your grandpa.

Sorry.

- Really?
- Yeah. I mean,

who's gonna teach you
how to tap dance now?

Later that day, he beat up
a Chinese kid in my honour.

- Here they are.
- Hey, everybody.

- Grandma.
- Good to see you. Good to see you.

I'm gonna take Michael and Charlotte
upstairs to get situated.

- Are you okay, Mousey?
- Fine.

Okay. Come on upstairs.
Follow me.

Julius,
shouldn't you be at work already?

Hey, you know I'm on my way.

I just came by to say hi real quick.

- How are you?
- Well as could be expected.

You know, Gene and I
were married for 40 years.

I hope Rochelle and me
make it that far.

The way she keeps this house,
I'm surprised you haven't left already.

My grandmother always criticised
everything my mother did.

Mama, you like my coat?
It's all leather.

Feels rubbery. Feel mine.

Italian leather.

At home, even though my mother
seemed to be keeping it together,

the house was falling apart.

Rochelle,
can you change the channel?

Sure. No problem.

They would treat her
like she was me.

Are you gonna help me
pick out this casket

- or do I have to do it by myself?
- Oh, sure, Mama.

I'll help you in a minute.

'Chelle, get me a glass of iced tea.

Sure, Mama.

Tea for Mama. Turtles.

- Damn it.
- What?

You ever had the feeling
you were about

to get smacked upside the head
with a yo-yo?

Here, baby. Be more careful.

- You're not mad?
- No. Why would I be mad?

Here, Mama.

This tea tastes funny.

- What kind is it?
- I think it's Lipton.

Tastes like Nestea.

It's Lipton.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Want a Turtle?

My mother offer me a Turtle?
In her world, that's a cry for help.

No, thanks.

You okay, Ma?

I'm fine. You sure
you don't want a Turtle?

What was that for?

Just wanna let you know
that I love you.

Since my father was working
extra hours,

and my mother
wasn't being herself,

I decided to pick up the slack
the best way I knew how.

Tonya, you go make up your bed.
Drew, you clean up in here.

Sitting here playing cards.

This was gonna be harder
than I thought.

Turn that mess down. You trying
to make everyone in the house deaf?

Take your feet off the table.

Rochelle, tomorrow we're going to
the funeral home to pick out a casket.

Please dress presentably.

I don't want them to think that
we can't afford a decent casket.

Sure, Mama.

- You okay? You need to sit down?
- No, I'm fine.

As bad as she felt, I didn't know
it was about to get worse.

Rochelle, can't you make
a decent glass of iced tea?

Well, can't you leave her alone?
It's iced tea!

If you're thirsty, well, then you drink it.
If you're not, don't.

I might be joining my grandfather
sooner than I thought.

Are you gonna sit there
and let that boy talk to me like that?

Boy, don't you know I'll knock you
into another family?

Who are you?

You don't wanna know.

Hey, man.

Hey.

Chris, you know you're gonna have
to apologise to your grandmother.

How come? She's the one
who's been mean to Mom.

She's hurting, Chris.
And your mother is too.

I know you're trying to protect
your mother,

but trust me, you do not wanna get
between the two of them.

You ain't gonna win that one.

You're already going to a funeral.
Are you trying to go to another?

Well then, what do I do?

Do what I do.

Nothing.

Things will work out. All right?

Apologise.

You can't really believe you're getting
married until you buy that tux.

And you can't really believe
somebody is dead

until you gotta buy them a casket.

Now, we have several models.

This one right over here,
top of the line.

Made of mahogany,

has silk lining over
goose down bedding and a night light.

I guess that's in case
the dead wanna read.

Well, Mama,
what about the blue one?

- The blue one is nice.
- I don't like it.

- She don't like that one.
- It's a coffin, not an Oldsmobile.

- I like that one.
- Good taste.

Maxine? That costs a lot of money.

We've got payment plans.

Can we put it
in my father-in-law's name?

- Well, no.
- I didn't think so.

- Okay, Mama. Whatever you want.
- Okay.

Rochelle, even if we split this
five ways, that's still a lot of money.

Who's talking about splitting it?

Well, I just assumed we'd all chip in.
I mean, it is your husband.

Julius, I wanna help out.

What's this? It's a baseball card.
Al Oliver.

He played in Pittsburgh.

Lifetime.330 hitter.

That card is gonna be worth
thousands of dollars someday.

- How much is it worth now?
- About a dollar.

I got $40 saved up.

What about you, Aunt Mousey?

I have some quarters.

Too bad
he won't be playing Asteroids.

Mama, I just don't think
that we can afford this right now.

Why not?

Baby, you always bragging
about how your husband has two jobs.

I do not.

I do not need this.
My man has two jobs.

My husband has two jobs.
I don't need to be here right now.

I do not need this.
My man has two jobs, okay?

My husband deserves
to be buried with dignity.

Now, who are you to deny me that?

- We're not trying to deny you.
- Nobody's trying to deny you...

You only die once.

Fine. Fine!

- You do whatever the hell you want.
- Mama, l...

- Come on!
- Mama, I wasn't trying...

I'm coming, Mama.

Rochelle, you wrong.

Poor baby.

We'll take the blue one.

My daddy like blue.

I always hated that picture.

It made me look like I got smacked
in the head with a brick.

Oh, hi, Daddy.

You want a Turtle?

- No, but how you doing?
- I'm okay.

Mama's getting on my last nerve.

She can do that.

She used to get on my nerves too.

Just because I'm dead doesn't mean
you have to let her push you around.

And if she tries to do that,

you smack her in the head
with that brick.

By the day of the funeral, there was
still one thing left to fight over:

Who gets to ride in the limo.

Who are you?
And what are you doing in here?

Hi. I'm Monay.
This is Aisha, and this is Kiki.

We saw the limo
so we had to hop in it.

- Where y'all about to go?
- A funeral.

Oh, I'm sorry.

- Who died?
- My husband.

Okay, well, when y'all get back,
and if y'all not taking the limo,

can we take it to the club?

Okay.

The only thing more crowded
than a limo before the funeral,

is your house after the funeral.

Hey, what are you doing here?

My dad dropped me off
to pay my respects.

- Thanks, man.
- He had to go to work.

Mama, come look.

- Chris got a white friend.
- Michael, close your mouth.

Stop acting like you've never seen
a white person before.

Hi, honey. You hungry?
You want something to eat?

- Sure.
- Well, come on.

- Want this?
- No, thank you.

How about this?
Hey, don't go anywhere.

I left a whole load of sloppies
in the kitchen for you guys.

- Thank you, thank you.
- Thank you.

Chris, I got a new video game
at the store.

Okay.

Next time someone dies, let me know.
I'll get you a good deal on a casket.

Man, what is your problem?

Sorry about your grandfather, Chris.

The one good thing
about losing a family member

is that you get lots of sympathy.

- What are you doing?
- My grandfather died.

Just because your grandfather died,

doesn't mean you can go around
hugging people.

- See you.
- Sorry about your grandfather.

At least somebody
was getting some sympathy.

- Who is that?
- I don't know.

Hey, little dude
from across the street.

- Here you go, man.
- What's this?

I robbed your grandfather
a few times.

I didn't know you knew him.

Who ate my Turtles?

Oh, is that what you call them things?
I ate them. But they was nasty.

What's in those things anyway?

If you didn't like them,
why did you eat them?

Mama, I am sick of you.

Ever since you got here,
you have not stop complaining.

Just because Daddy is dead
does not mean

that you could come into my house
and tell everybody what to do.

Michael, get your feet
off my damn couch

before I slap the jam
out of your toes.

And, Grievy, stop all that crying.

You cried on Easter.
You cried on Halloween.

You cried on Flag Day.

Get some Kleenex, wipe your nose
because it ain't that damn sad.

And hang up my phone.
And Aunt Mousey,

take off your coat and speak up.

You're over there
peeping and squeaking:

You sound like a damn rat.
Use your words.

You're damn near 60 years old.

And, Mama, the next time
you wanna eat my Turtles,

the least you could do is like them.

She's back.

- Hey.
- Hey, baby.

- How you doing?
- I'm fine.

- I brought you your Turtles.
- Turtles. Thank you.

I'm proud of you for standing up
to your mother.

You had me worried there
for a minute.

- Why?
- I thought you were about

to smack her with a brick.

So good seeing you, girl.
You take care.

- You owe me some Kleenex.
- See you later, sister.

Thanks for all the chicken.
I appreciate it.

Stay out of them pretzels. Bye...

So...

Did he say anything
before he died?

- Who? Daddy?
- No, Martin Luther King.

Yes, your father.
Did he mention me?

No. He just asked
for more pork chops.

I know what you're thinking,
she should have lied.

But actually, the truth was better.

Figures.

I liked the flowers.

- You liked them?
- I guess so.

I know that doesn't seem
like much of an apology

after everything that's happened,

but here's what she really
meant to say:

- Baby, I am so proud of you.
- I know.

- You are doing a wonderful job.
- I know.

I wish my no-good son
would stand up for me

the way your son stood up for you.

- I know!
- And your father?

- Oh, he would be so proud of you.
- I know.

- Mama, why are you so damn mean?
- I don't know.

- And, baby, your hair, it don't stink.
- I know.

See you around.

Take care, Ma.

- That's all of it.
- Oh, thank you, baby.

- I'm really gonna miss him, Mom.
- Me too, Chris.

Me too.

Chris! Get in here
and pick up this yo-yo!

My father died for goodness sake,
and now you trying to kill me too!