Original subtitles

Ah, well, that does it. 2,000 Sullivan for Congress flyers ready to fly.

No problem.

We love monotonous, servile labor.

Dan, you're supposed to be licking this envelope.

I sprained my tongue.

There's a campaign commercial coming along.

Well, it's going out to the television stations tonight, and I must say, Matt

did a good job directing it.

Really? I thought you said he went way over budget.

Well, at first. But after I threw out the original musical score and mixed the

underwater dream sequence, we were left with a pretty fascinating 30 seconds.

So what's in it?

Me talking?

For 30 whole seconds?

Hope you were naked.

What you reading, Ross?

Humor in uniform?

No, that's what I'm looking at.

This is a letter from my pen pal.

Is it a he-pal or a she-pal?

A he-pal, and his name is Alex.

Oh, how delicious.

Two lonely scribes penning explicit boudoir details accompanied by how-to

photos?

It's nothing like that.

Then why waste the stamp?

So, how'd you start writing?

Well, Alex had my apartment before I moved in. But when he moved to

California, his mail kept coming.

So I sent him a note telling him if he didn't do something about it, the next

package he'd get from me would explode in his face.

How charming.

I guess I did charm him. Because the next thing I know, he started writing to

me. Wow, what a great story.

I had a pen pal once.

But we had to stop writing.

How come?

You couldn't find the time once he became vice president.

$55 in time, sir.

What's next, Mac?

Last case of the night, sir. Files on its way.

Got a stamp?

Sure. Birth of the world or salute to the cotton gin.

I don't care.

I just want to send this letter off to Alex.

Do you two ever run out of things to say?

No, not yet.

We write about everything.

Alex has a really interesting take on life.

A real joie de vivre.

What does he do?

He's a nut salesman from Fresno.

Why can't I ever meet a professional?

When are you going to finally meet?

Never, I hope.

I'm afraid if I ever met Alex, it would take all the fun out of the fantasy.

Yeah, I feel the same way about Lamb Chop.

Yes, sir. People versus Fingers Kirby.

Prosecution? Yes, sir. Fingers was fingered at a downtown hotel after he

had picked his way into 27 different rooms and cleaned out all of the honor

bars.

How dishonorable of you.

Come on, they charge 18 bucks for a club soda. You should see what they get for a

tin of beef jerky.

Defense.

I believe beef jerky runs about $22.

Wow, that is a crime.

Unfortunately, it's not the one we're discussing here.

I'll hold this over for trial, and good night, folks.

Hey, everybody, don't forget my campaign ad is on tonight. Well, not exactly

tonight. More like tomorrow morning.

Early.

How early?

4.16 a.m.

At that time of the morning, the only thing I'm going to be watching is the

inside of my eyelids.

Oh, what channel is that on?

Hey, hey, hey. It's a great time slot.

Christine's commercial airs between I'll Miss Brooks and that show that stars

that vegetable juicer.

You know, you guys can set your VCRs for my debut. I don't expect you to stay up.

I've got a date with my favorite stewardess, Patina. If I pace myself, I

should still be up.

I think you're going to be very impressed with this commercial.

With my artistic eye and brilliant execution, I am confident that this spot

is going to put Christine Sullivan on everybody's lips.

Don't, Dan.

Hey,

hey, do you want to go to dinner with me? My stewardess can't get back from

Chicago. She's got a layover, which means that I won't.

Sure, I'll go.

What you doing?

Oh, I'm just looking through some of these old legal texts.

Look at this.

Prohibition mandates.

This is a dry subject.

Wow.

Whoa.

Look at that. A safe? How did you do that?

I don't know. Must have been this book.

Yeah, there's a hidden trigger back there.

Hold on a second. You mean you didn't know that was there? No, I've never seen

it. Wow.

That sucker is old.

I wonder what's in it.

This is not a sandbox. It's my office.

Finders, keep doing what we both saw. Oh, what are we doing?

Probably nothing in there but dust. I'm sure whoever had that safe cleared it

out before he left the office.

Probably right.

I bet you nobody even knows it's there.

Hey, you found Judge Grimm's old safe.

You knew about this book?

Sure. Rumor has it the old judge was on a take to the tune of millions.

lucrative blackmail business.

Oh.

He supposedly had the goods on all the rich and famous of the time.

Celebrities, politicians, even Houdini.

Oh.

Well, then there's probably nothing in there except some old photos and

letters. Yeah, probably.

Well, good night.

Night, Paul.

Night, Paul. See ya.

If there was ever any doubt about my vote, it was erased last night.

Christine Sullivan must be elected to Congress. Mac, your commercial inspired

me. Well, thanks, Harriet. Hey, never underestimate the power of advertising.

I'll say.

I taped the wrong commercial, Norm's Auto World.

Now I'm the proud owner of a lime green Pacer.

Mac, the commercial is doing wonders.

My headquarters has been flooded with new volunteers and pledges of support.

Good for you, Christine. I thought that commercial was great.

Christine, your commercial inspired me so much, I'm pledging my entire piggy

bank to your campaign.

Oh, thank you. I just wouldn't feel right about taking your savings.

And besides, it takes a sizable amount to keep a campaign running.

Okay, I guess you're right.

My measly $40,000 probably wouldn't make a dent.

the title producer grab you?

Gee, Dan, got a leak?

Beg your pardon?

The tools.

Oh, no, no.

Harry has a loose tooth.

And I'm going to help him pull it. Come along, Harry. Yeah, thanks, Dan.

Oh, you know, my mother used to pull my loose teeth by tying a string around it

and attaching the other end to the ceiling fan at Woolworth's.

work, we'll try that.

Yeah.

Who have you been?

Checking my phone machine.

Any interesting calls?

Just one.

Alec. He's in town and he wants to meet me after work.

Oh, Ross!

You're gonna finally meet your mystery man.

That's great.

Yeah.

Great.

That's a wrap.

Now, look, this computer program will show us all the possible combinations to

the... You know what? Come on.

If this doesn't work, I've got dynamite.

What are you

doing?

I'm painting the Sistine Chapel.

What does it look like? I'm straightening up.

In fact, as soon as I finish waxing these floors, I'm gonna go chew out the

head janitor well into the night.

You're stalling.

What's the problem, Ross? It's not like Alex is a stranger. There are no

surprises.

Are there?

Well, thinking back, I suppose there have been a couple of

times when maybe some of the things I said about myself were slightly

embellished.

Such as?

I'm a classical music buff.

That's easy.

If he mentions Mozart, just say, love that third movement.

I also said I was a figure skater.

Skate? With Holiday on Ice.

Anything else?

Oh, yeah.

One last thing.

I'm five foot two and a size three.

meet i just got carried away oh roz there are worse things i

can't think of any at the moment but there are i can't face him now i lied to

him i think you're missing a really great opportunity roz yeah i

really would like to get a look at him there's only one way to do that you

gotta go

Or you gotta go.

on her, but we're having a tough time keeping fingers Kirby and holding.

He's picked every lock in the building.

Any suggestions?

Yeah, Bull, why don't you bring him up here?

We can probably find something for him to do.

about my commercial. Something is wrong.

Nothing is wrong, Christine.

Ever since the spot ad, you're up in the polls with male voters 18 to 45.

Yes, but I'm losing support fast with the female constituency.

The Sisters of the Flag canceled my speech and the Amish Girls Club of

Manhattan just called off their fundraising quilting bee.

Well, I don't know how you can blame that on my commercial.

Well... thing is very unsettling. No, this whole thing is really boring.

Listen, I didn't see your stupid commercial, but you should be happy it's

getting you this much attention regardless of which gender it's coming

from. That's right, I mean, voters are very fickle.

Maybe those mean old Amish girls are jealous of you.

I don't think so. Well, that outfit really showed off your figure.

Oh, that's fine. Fine!

Five days of shooting, 20 locations, a brilliant script, and all it comes down

to is TNA.

A technique in attitude.

I have to admit, I was filled with trepidation about meeting you.

I didn't know what to expect, but you are everything I imagined and more, Roz.

You're not so bad yourself.

Alex.

Wine?

No, I always talk like this.

He just looks like someone I'm supposed to be.

I mean, no, I've never seen her before.

Oh, the tangled web I weave.

Excuse me. I can't see all the fun I'm having.

Move it.

So, tell me all about that fabulous art collection of yours.

Gee, it's so big I don't know where to start.

Well...

Why don't you start with the 18th century neoclassics you picked up on

your last trip to Florence?

Oh, yeah.

Pretty neat stuff, huh?

I think I'll have some more wine.

You know, I see a lot of couples in here.

I think those two got chemistry.

I predict a hot night ahead for them.

You're right.

Arson is a possibility.

Anyway, they're all wrong for you. each other.

I think they make a cute couple.

Who asked you?

Hey, five bucks so they leave here together.

I'll take that bet.

And then there's that, um, uh, glue painting I have. You know, the one that

was painted by the artist that was named after the Ninja Turtle?

Raphael? How did you get one of those? They go for millions.

Sold my Rembrandt.

Enough about me.

Let's talk about you.

How's the weather in Fresca?

That's Fresno.

Why don't we forget the talking? Let's dance.

They're dancing.

No, they say a good dance is a prelude to, uh... A bar brawl.

Wow.

Wow, back.

You know, Rod, the night is still young.

Why don't you show me the town?

Wow, again.

What is going on?

You're having a great time. Good night.

You win.

I lose.

As usual.

You ever make a huge mistake you knew you were going to end up regretting

every minute for the rest of your life?

Yeah. I bought stock in Earthshoes.

it this way. The air is human, right?

Here. Here's your five dollars.

No. It's yours. You want it. No, really. You keep it.

I'll tell you what.

Why don't you both use it to buy a drink? Or have we forgotten this is a

place of business here?

What do you say?

Got no better place to go.

And the snacks are free. Yeah, but they're not fresh.

Sure they are.

Give me a break. These nuts have been out of the can for two days.

Bring us some fresh ones.

When it comes to nuts, I'm an expert.

We haven't been introduced.

I'm Alex Patterson from Fresno, California.

And you are... Out of here.

Hey, nut man.

See what you get for busting my chops?

Who was she?

First you tell me. Who was he?

He. Who?

He. Was she?

He. He was me.

Was she you?

She was me.

So, that was us.

Cheapened our whole relationship.

Cheapened? I paid $400 for that actor.

He's good. He's died on three soap operas.

Mind if I sit down?

It's a good idea.

You know, Alex, I'm really embarrassed about all of this.

I don't know what to say except I'm sorry.

Me too, Roz.

So, what did you think of my chiseled features?

Very studly.

How'd you like my perfect size three?

You look great.

Listen, now that we don't have to, would you like to have dinner with me tonight?

I'd love that.

Let's go.

How about Thai food?

I hate Thai.

But in your letters you said you loved it.

What can I tell you?

I lied.

Mac,

she hates me. I don't get it.

I do.

Look, I spoke to the guy who duplicated your commercial, and I think it explains

the strange reaction you've been getting.

What is it?

Well, you see, to save money, I bought some used...

Apparently, it hadn't been erased properly because some of the original

stuff bled through.

You know, a frame here and there, kind of subliminal.

Uh-oh.

Yeah, you've been sharing our time with Candy Goodlove, the star of Beauty and

the Priest.

This is so humiliating. We've got to get those commercials off the air.

Look, it's already been done. It's no big deal. I'm sure it's already a thing

of the past.

I hope you're right.

Hey, Christine Sullivan, I'm voting for you.

See?

That's an interesting place for a bumper sticker.

All right, if it's cash, the straight 50-50 split.

Right. I get all Houdini-related memorabilia, and you get any

compromising blackmail photos and documents.

Deal, deal.

Well, that's stocks and bonds.

I'll take my cut liquid acids. I've already had some knocks in the market

this year.

Just open it.

Oh! Yes! Yes!

Oh!

Look at that!

Look at that!

It's a turkey sandwich.