Original subtitles

Hey, everybody, check out this telegram.

Ahoy, swab the deck and pump the bilge.

Coming ashore in 48 hours, you know who.

You got a telegram from Papa?

No, my mom.

Her 20-year tour of the high seas is over.

She's finally going to settle down in my sloop.

Oh, pardon my nautical naivete. Does that mean that she's gonna live with

you? Yep.

You see, a long time ago, we made this pact.

After she retired, I'd take care of her.

I'd better get started if I want my place to be ready on time.

Bo, if there's anything we can do to make your mom feel more at home, you

just ask.

Anybody have a spittoon?

Whoa!

Get a load of this obituary for Phil.

Phil Sanders, tycoon. Gee, I cannot believe that's the same guy who used to

sit in my court and catch bugs with his tongue.

Philip A. Sanders, Wall Street tycoon turned bum, was killed Thursday in front

of Carnegie Hall when a piano slipped from his hoist and crushed him. At the

time of his death, he was 46.

Is that years old or feet wide?

Mr. Sanders was considered the nation's leading commodities broker when he

suddenly dropped out of society in 1977, giving up his posh Park Avenue duplex

for a Kelvinator box in Herald Square.

He spent his remaining years giving away his fortune and catching bugs with his

tongue.

That's our Phil.

Says here his remaining estate has been valued at over $8 million.

We've got to be kidding.

I had no idea Phil had that kind of money.

Well, you can bet if Dan's heard about it, he's already counting his chickens.

I know for a fact that Dan is too shaken up to even be thinking about getting his

hands on Phil's money.

Boy, if you think that's something, wait till you see his daddy.

sees it still wouldn't be enough to pay for this suit.

Well, a good evening to you too, Dan.

You see this tie? A La Porta original.

These shoes?

Handcrafted in Madrid.

The leather is culled from the soft underbelly of a calf.

And now it's covering the big feet of an ass.

think this buying spree is just a bit premature?

I mean, you didn't even know Phil left a will.

Au contraire, my middle tax bracket friend.

Allow me to consult my thousand dollar briefcase made entirely from snakeskin.

Takes one to own one.

This letter arrived from Phil's attorney.

Don't tell me. Yes.

According to this, Phil indeed did leave a will, and my name is the only one

mentioned in it.

His lawyer will be here tomorrow to drop the golden goose in my lap.

I hope it lands beak first.

Nice outfit.

Thanks. These are my dress blues.

So I bet you're really excited about seeing your mom tonight, huh?

Yeah, but I'm a little worried. It's been years.

What if she doesn't recognize me?

What did you look like back then?

Oh, I was real tall and goofy looking.

Well, gee, maybe she'll recognize your voice.

So after session, you'll all be joining us for dinner? We're going to the Lusty

Buccaneer.

They have it all you can eat squid bar.

I'm going to drink some cream to coat my stomach.

Well, no dinner for me. I'm having my kidneys rotated.

Oh, I can't either.

Oh, come on, guys. Where's our loyalty?

I mean, I think we owe it to Bull to share this occasion.

Yeah, we all love Bull. How could we not love his dear, sweet little ma?

Hey, I could drink any man in this room under the table.

Everybody, I want you to meet the woman who gave me life.

My mother, Henrietta Shannon.

Call me Hank.

Hank, it's a pleasure to meet you. And might I add, it's easy to see where Bull

gets his movie star looks.

Who's this lying fat?

Mama, this is Judge Stone.

Remember from my letters?

Can't say I do.

But you must be Roz. And Mac, Christine, Dan, Jack,

and Carlotta.

Carlotta?

Nostradamus thinks the world of you kids.

Oh, who's Nostradamus?

That's my real name.

Yeah, I always loved that hunchback.

Wait a minute, wasn't that Joan?

So, uh, Bull's his nickname, huh? I guess you called him that on account of

his size.

Hell no.

When I found out I was pregnant, I said, Bull!

What are you crowing about?

It's the truth, you bootlicking clown.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta hit the head.

Gosh, Sherry, I think Mom's warming up to you.

Ah, the memories.

Right over there's where I broke China Joe's elbow arm wrestling.

Is that you, Hank? Hey, there's my crew.

Boys, I want you to meet my son, Nostradamus.

Named you after the hunchback, huh?

Yeah, that's right.

You know, Hank, we never knew you had a son.

I've been a mother for 40 years.

A mother?

Why, hell, we never even known you was a woman.

We just figured you was one of them fancy boys.

You're not?

Go on, boys, make yourself scarce.

Me and my new buddies got some chin wagging to do.

Come on.

Christine, may I take your coat?

Oh, thank you.

Dad!

What? You don't really think I'm going to touch anything in this place, do you?

Without protection.

My tongue's hanging so low, I'm stepping on it.

I'd be glad to buy the first round. Forget it, string bean. I ain't keen on

umbrella drinks.

Christine and I'll take care of it. That's sweet of you.

I don't get it. I've tried everything on that woman, and she just doesn't like

me. Everybody likes me.

I know I do.

You got the kind of body makes a sailor want to hang up his duffel bag and drop

anchor.

I'm sorry, I'm not interested.

Butt out, Bones. I was talking to your friend here.

For your information, my friend and I are above your slimy brand of overture.

He said, butt out, Bull.

When Bull was a little tyke, he used to beg me to get him a pet.

So I now to come home from the kelp beds with a surprise.

Would you bring him a lobster?

No, a puppy.

Come on, chum.

What kind of a mother gives a son a lobster for a pet?

I think I'm making progress. She called me chum.

If I'm not mistaken, sir, chum is what they call bloody pulp. They feed the

sharks.

Okay, here's the grog.

Good for you, girly.

Now all we need is some hoofing music.

I bought her a jukebox just like that for the apartment.

Oh, yeah?

Is she excited about moving in?

Oh, we haven't talked about it yet.

I'm waiting for the perfect moment.

I just hope her heart can take the excitement. She's getting so frail.

Frail? Are we talking about the same woman who push-started my Bronco?

Come on over, study boy, and dance with your mama.

Hear that?

Her voice is barely a whisper now.

Long, don't they?

Yep. They're going to be the happiest mother and son to ever share bunk beds.

I missed you, Mama.

I missed you, too, son.

Let's make this the best shore leave we've ever had.

Shore leave?

You mean you're not retiring?

Well, not while I can still shimmy up a smokestack.

I just signed on for another five years.

You happy for me?

Of course.

I'm the happiest son in the world.

What the hell was that?

Beats me.

Want to dance?

Well, if that don't beat all... I tell him I've signed on for another hitch and

he blows out of here like a bat out of...

Wish someone could tell me what's bothering him.

I can, Hank.

Oh, you can, Mr.

Know-It-All.

Why don't you keep your big nose out of other people's business?

Hank, what's wrong with my baby?

Well, Hank... I think it has something to do with Bull's plans for your

retirement. Plans?

What plan?

He said you both agreed that when you retired, he would take care of you. Damn

straight.

But hell's bells, I ain't ready to retire.

Well, he thought you were. He's been waiting for this for years, Mrs.

Shannon. He has?

I'm sure he'd understand if you explained it to him.

What are you, Jim?

I'm the one that needs a talking to.

Damn. If I can still... I can't go through the straits of hormones.

I can be a mother to my baby boy.

I'm out of here.

What happened to your date?

I don't think it was meant to be.

She has a warning from the health department tattooed on her shoulder.

Harry, could we start court this lifetime? I've got to be free when

Phil's lawyer gets in with the will.

He's going to make me a very wealthy man.

You're going to have to wait, Dan. I've got somebody here with a serious

problem.

I'm not helping change him.

Sit down, Bull.

Bull, I don't think you're being fair to yourself or to Hank.

Harry, I had it all figured out.

Every Sunday I'd take her to the zoo.

In the summer, we rent a cottage by the turnpike where she can sit on the porch

and watch the trucks go by.

I even learned to cook her favorite meal, rack of spam.

Bull, you're a real good son, but you're forgetting about the most important

thing.

Mama?

Bingo.

Someday she is going to move in with you, Bull, but until then, you've got to

be patient.

Spam keeps forever, big guy.

But a mom doesn't change overnight.

Excuse me.

Just a minute, lady. I'm talking to the judge.

Bull, you just slammed the door on Mom and Apple Pie.

Huh?

So what do you think, son?

I think you're beautiful, Mom.

Well, thank you, dear.

I brought you something.

Did you bake it yourself?

Hell, heck no.

Don't expect miracles.

Son, I've been thinking.

A growing boy like you needs a mom around the house.

So you're not shipping out?

No. I'm signing on for the long haul with my new first mate.

In fact, I'm running down to the Lusty Buccaneer right now to say goodbye to

the boys.

Yippee!

See there, Harry?

You were wrong.

Now, be nice to the gentleman, son. He means well.

Thanks, Hank.

Henrietta.

Henrietta?

Well, why don't you take the rest of the night off and join your mom?

Well, thanks, Harry. I'll go clock out.

Henrietta?

I'm real glad that we're getting along. In the beginning, I kind of got the idea

that you didn't like me.

I don't.

Why not?

Can't like everybody.

Dan Fielding? Yes. Clarence Egan, Philip Saunders' attorney.

Egan, it's a true pleasure. Please, sit down. If we hurry, you can make me a

millionaire before session or reconvene.

Well, we'll get right to it.

Mr. Saunders left liquid assets amounting to $8.2 million.

Thank you, Phil.

Unfortunately, the government put a lien on his account and it all went to pay

his back taxes.

Stupid Phil.

Mr. Sanders did purchase a CD valued at $2 million.

Now we're back in business.

Unfortunately, it was held by a Libyan bank.

But of course.

But not being one to keep all of his eggs in one basket, Mr. Sanders had a

portfolio of stocks and bonds worth about $3 million.

And where were those held?

First National Bank?

Oh, they were...

Mr. Sanders likes to keep his money in warm climates. I hope he's counting

what's left of it in hell.

I thought you were his friend.

I was his best friend.

Sad.

However... Yes?

Mr. Sanders did have a life insurance policy totaling $111.

Saved you breath.

Forgot to pay the premiums. No, he paid all the premiums. And oddly enough,

there was a musical instrument rider.

There was?

That's fine. If Mr. Sanders was killed by a musical instrument, the policy

would pay his estate $7.8 million.

The show was squashed by a baby grant.

Now, hold on a second. This money actually exists?

There are numbers on all the corners?

Yeah. I have the paperwork right here.

And my name is the only one mentioned in the will? That is correct.

I'm rich.

I'm rich, I'm rich, I'm rich. I'm rich.

I'm rolling in it.

I'm going to quit this lousy job. I'm going to sail around the world. I am

going to eat caviar off the thighs of Scandinavian virgins.

Just a minute, Miss Fielding. This money is not for your personal use.

Huh?

No, as Mr. Sanders' most... trusted friend.

You've been named the administrator of the Phil Foundation.

The Phil Foundation?

It's a charitable organization established by Mr. Sanders in 1978.

Over the years, they've distributed nearly $20 million to worthy causes and

cultural institutions.

You've heard of the New York Harmonic.

It's called the Philharmonic. It is now.

Wait. Oh, wait.

Are you telling me that I have to... give the

money away?

Every penny.

Hey, money bag.

There's a guy downstairs that needs your signature.

Your new Lamborghini has arrived.

Tell him to forget it. I can't afford it.

Hold it.

I can.

You wouldn't believe how generous Mr.

Saunders was with his legal staff.

Good evening, gentlemen.

Hank, what are you doing in drag?

These are my civvies.

Boys, I'm hanging up. my pee coat.

What the hell are you talking about?

I'm moving in with Bull to be a full-time mama.

This some kind of cruel joke?

Nope. This old sea dog ain't getting any younger.

I reckon it's time for me to settle down.

Oh, that's not right.

Come on, boys, now stop your whining.

You're gonna be fine.

Well, you're at least gonna stop by and clean out your bunk, ain't you?

No, I...

I couldn't set foot on that old rust bucket again.

Besides, I've got to be busy.

Just box up my stuff and send it to me.

Uh, will you gentlemen excuse us for a moment?

Why, for two seconds of my life.

Mom, have you given much thought to what you are going to do?

Oh, motherly things, I guess.

Get up in the morning, bake a chicken, boil a pie, maybe.

Go for a walk in the park and feed the pigeons to the cats or whatever they do.

Sounds like Hank Shannon's life to me.

Well, it will be.

And I'll enjoy every single minute of it.

Even if it kills you?

That's how much you mean to me, son.

I can't let you do it, Mama. What are you saying?

The sea's in your blood.

You belong on the ship with your crew.

Just like I belong in the courtroom with my crew.

Son, I know how much you've been looking forward to us living together.

I can look forward to it for a while longer.

Heck, you gotta retire someday.

I'll wait.

Heck hell you will.

Son, it's time you stopped worrying about Mama and started worrying about

yourself.

Go to Paris, France.

Buy yourself a fancy car.

Find a nice, dirty girl and make some kids.

Hell, who'd make a better grandma than me?

Live life for myself.

What a novel idea.

Thanks, Mom.

I love you.

I love you, too, son.

Shit, mate.

Hank's back on board.

Bravo!

Hey, hey, somebody just beat Sammy the Ox in arm wrestling five times running.

You're kidding. Nobody beats the Ox.

Easiest money I made all year.