Original subtitles

Hey, Margaret, hot story?

Mm-hmm. Oh, the Meredith trial?

Mm-hmm. Did they reach a verdict yet? Mm-hmm.

Innocent or guilty?

Mm-hmm.

I can part my hair with my tongue.

Mm-hmm.

Nice talking to you.

Harry, I warmed her up for you.

Mm-hmm.

Hey. Hey.

Hot story? Hot judge.

Jack, if you could see this, you wouldn't believe it.

Margaret turns her nose up at Chateaubriand and then sinks her teeth

into beef jerky.

Why is she pretending she isn't captivated by me?

Maybe she's not pretending.

Maybe she knows a real snake when she sees one.

Snake? Me? Come on. Oh, pose.

Drop it, Fielding.

Hey, Jack, he was Canadian.

Hey, everybody, here's something.

Archaeologists have uncovered the sacred shrine of the Himalflodites, an ancient

religion that practiced animal sacrifice, polygamy, and plate spinning.

Bet they threw some killer parties.

Expensive ones. Among the ruins was a 50-foot gold statue of their god,

Hemofold. Picture page eight.

Hey, Bull.

Turn your head to the left.

Okay.

I don't believe it.

Will you look at that?

Uh-oh.

Do I have another wax nugget in my ear canal?

they became extinct.

Actually, according to the story, there's still two sects of

Himalphrodites left in the world. One lives in the ancient holy land of

Himalphodonia.

See you later, magic man.

Nice-looking woman, huh?

Um, yeah, if you go for icebergs and power suits.

Well, it looks like old Harry's thought her out.

Only because I made it possible.

Well, look, I taught him how to dress, how to walk, how to talk.

I created him.

Then I gave him a bride.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute, Dr.

Frankenstein.

Are you saying that Margaret is a gift from you to Harry? Yes.

Or if we weren't friends, I would have taken it for myself.

I could now if I were so inclined.

Are you so inclined?

No. Of course not. What kind of friend do you think I am?

The kind who would seduce all four bridesmaids at his friend's wedding.

Only three were bridesmaids.

The other one was the bride's mother.

Behold, my children.

Hemophore has returned.

Looks like your flock is growing.

I don't get it. What do they want from me?

Probably the usual.

World peace, eternal happiness, the answers to all the mysteries of life.

I can't even figure out how my water pick works.

You wanted to see me, boss? Yeah, Phil, listen. I've got some undercover work

for you. You want me to do some high-level espionage?

No, I want you to sniff around Harry's girlfriend's garbage and see what you

can dig up. Oh, thanks, boss. That's more up my alley.

All rise.

Criminal court part two is now in session.

The Honorable Harold T. Stone presiding.

Amen.

What the hell was

that?

Amen, sir. It's a word you hear just after deliver us from evil and just

before past the Brussels sprouts.

I know that.

What's it doing in my courtroom?

And who are these cone people?

Allow me to explain, sir. Because of some pictures in a tabloid, these idiots

think the Tower of Stubble is God.

Blasphemer!

Bye, Ian Fidel!

Back it up, or you'll be taking a pilgrimage down the strip, sir.

Speaking of expanding my reading horizons with some popular magazines of

the day... We talking real money this time, Fielding? No tokens, slugs, or

buttons?

Cash on the barrelhead, my sightless friend?

So many choices.

Say, what did the lady just buy?

Well, let me see.

Uh, she took one of these and one of these.

Great, thanks. Here.

Five bucks. Keep the change. What change? It's $6.50.

Hey, Jack.

What was that all about?

Fielding wanted the same magazines that Miss Turner bought.

So I sold them a Guns and Ammo and a Soldier of Fortune.

Margaret reads those things?

No. I overordered. I had to get rid of them somehow.

away from these people. They're driving me crazy.

Paul, you've got to confront them. Be honest. Tell them you're not who they

think you are.

I think it doesn't work.

I've got a bazooka in my locker.

Look, I'm just an ordinary man.

I can't perform miracles. I can't part the Red Sea.

I can't cure the blind.

Watch this.

How many fingers, Jack?

I don't know, four.

Hallelujah!

Mission

accomplished,

boss.

You idiot, I said root through her garbage, not bring it here.

I guess I'm an overachiever.

What is this?

L'air du temps.

Ah, très chic.

What else?

Um... Sunset Pines Retirement Home.

She must be a scout for the obituary page. No, I checked it out.

She does volunteer work there.

Loves the old folks.

This is good, Phil. Is that it?

Nope. Oh, when did you get a load of this, boss? I peeled this off a car.

Eye cleavage opera.

I didn't know you loved opera boys.

I do now.

Oh, Phil.

This is my opening.

The woman wants me. She just doesn't know it yet. Of course.

You're not going to try to steal the judge's girlfriend.

No.

I'm just going to take her to the brink of submission and drop her.

Probably with some tender speech about the cruelty of fate and how I'm always

destined to remain just out of her reach.

Margaret doesn't stand a chance. She's...

Putty in my hand.

Brown bag in it today, Dad?

Hi, Mac, yes.

You idiot. I ordered extra crispy.

Yeah?

Sir?

A little word to the wise about a weasel.

Say what?

Dan is jealous of your relationship with Margaret.

No. Yeah.

Dan Fielding is jealous of me?

Uh-huh.

What are you doing, sir?

I'm basking.

Well, I hope this isn't a long bask because Dan is out to get Margaret, or

at least to prove that he can.

Oh, come on, Mac. You have any evidence of that? Well, he's been following her

around. And I think he had Phil go through her garbage.

Phil goes through everyone's garbage.

It's his calling.

Okay, but don't say I didn't warn you. Now, Dan Fielding is low, but he's not

that low.

Of course.

Oh, Harry, great news.

Dan's taking us to the opera.

I can't believe how far Dan has taken this charade. I mean, this box must have

cost him a fortune.

Well, now, are you sure it's what you think it is, Harry? I mean, maybe Dan's

just being benevolent.

You're right.

I wonder what's keeping the little road apple.

His date is probably trying to decide what color tube top is right for the

occasion.

Now, how's he going to seduce me if he's got a date with him?

Good evening.

Just a few more steps, dear.

You're an angel, Stan.

Dan.

Harry, Margaret, I'd like you to meet my good friend, Matilda.

Hello, Matilda.

Hi. Gee, Dan, you never mentioned Matilda before.

Well, Harry, there's a lot about me you don't know.

For instance, do you know how I spend my Sunday mornings?

Buffing the scratch marks out of your ceiling?

What a crude remark, Harry.

Tell him, Matilda.

Every Sunday, this beautiful boy picks me up at the rest home and takes me out

for a lovely brunch.

How sweet.

I do volunteer work at rest homes, too.

You do?

Oh, what a coincidence.

Oh, Margaret, that's a wonderful feeling. Can we sit down already?

My corns are killing me. Well, then sit.

I wonder what she's saying.

Harry, you opera virgin, you.

This is the moment where the courtesan, Violetta, wonders if she's found her

true love in Alfredo, the handsome stranger who's been admiring her from

afar.

Perhaps it is he.

Dan Fielding, I'm impressed.

So where's my 50 bucks?

You owe 20.

Now it's 50.

Unless you want your friends to know how you almost broke my hip dragging me out

of the bingo parlor.

Fine, fine, here.

Have it your way, you geriatric carpetbagger.

Phone call for Judge Stein.

That's Stone, isn't it?

Says Stone.

Stone. Stone Caller Judge Stone. Sounds important, Harry.

Starting.

Gee, I wonder who would be calling me here.

Dad, what are you doing?

I just believe a beautiful woman shouldn't be left alone under any

circumstances. What about Matilda?

She's napping. No, I'm not.

Go to sleep.

Isn't Maria Coppamagy wonderful?

Oh, yes.

What range.

Oh, and just to think that she started her career at the tender age of 15.

In La Boheme, playing the role of... Continued on page 30.

Whoa, she's good.

Dan? Keeping my seat warm for me? Harry, where were you supposed... There was a

spider in my seat.

What luck, it's gone.

So who called?

Well, it was the strangest thing. This guy launched into this... tirade of

legal mumbo jumbo and then I guess he got flustered because he asked if I had

Prince Albert in a can and then he hung up.

Stupid Phil.

Do I miss much?

Oh, some wonderful singing and some lousy acting.

Dan,

are you okay?

Something in my throat. Maybe it's that spider.

to talk, isn't it? All right, where's the train seal that's been doing all

that barking? Down there, with a drool on his chin.

Thank you.

And the mezzanine thanks you.

Did

you

know that La Traviata was first born...

1853. Dan, your knowledge of opera is uncanny.

Opera's my life.

Okay, Dan.

Thanks.

Thanks, Harry.

So far, no wonder what's next.

What's that, Matilda? You can't see?

I can see fine.

Except for those blurry objects on the stage. Oh, dear, dear, dear. I bet you

could use a pair of those rented opera glasses, huh?

Harry, would you mind renting... Here, Dan, way ahead of you. Borrow ours. Oh,

uh, thanks.

Oops! Ow!

Shhh!

Flumsy, flumsy me.

I'm a spoony. I don't want to be here.

I should have worn my sneakers.

I know what you want.

You do?

Yes, and I'm thrilled because although I've never said it, I want you to.

You do?

Yes, more than you could possibly know.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I knew it. I knew you wanted me. Oh, Dan, I do.

Oh, and I, you, Margaret.

Alas.

Fate has dealt us a painful hand.

You're committed to Harry, and I shall always remain a fantasy forever, just

out of your reach.

Not necessarily.

Wait, what?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What about Harry?

Oh, he means nothing to me.

I've only let him on pining for you. Oh, Dan, how I've agonized.

Wait, no, no. I'm sure it wasn't me, Mark. It could have been anything. Bad

scallops. No, no, no. It's you, Dan.

I need you.

I want you.

Dare I say it?

I love you.

best girl.

My best friend.

And my favorite little old lady.

You all betrayed me.

Hey, I'm just here for the money.

Harry, now, this isn't what it seems. No, he's right, Harry. It's much more

than that.

Dan and I are madly in love.

We are not.

life is falling apart in front of me. No, wait, no, no, Harry, come on. You're

getting a little carried away. Let's sit down and talk this over like friends.

Friends without knives.

Don't shush me. He's got a knife.

This is where I get off.

With my force.

Harry, put the knife down.

Don't tell him, Harry.

I'm the she-devil. Take me.

She's right. It's all her fault.

She's a vixen.

No, don't be ridiculous.

We're friends.

I never meant for it to go this far. I was just toying with her just to see if

I still had the touch.

I wish I could believe that.

You can.

Try. Try.

No, Dan.

There's a pain deep in my heart.

And there's only one way to relieve it.

And for what?

Just to prove that my days as a lady killer aren't over.

Ah, but they are.

Now I'm a judge killer.

And your blood shall forever stain my soul.

And I shall be exposed to the world for what I really am.

What might that be?

You said that.

I can die a happy man.

Didn't you say maybe 40 years?

and finally go home.

Sorry, big guy. The great one has finally emerged from his meditation.

Speak to us, oh hemophone.

You seem like such nice folks.

Let me level with you.

If you're looking for a god, you're looking in the wrong place.

Then you are not hemophone?

Sorry.

Just as we were going to offer you a gift of your weight in gold.

Did he say my weight in gold?

He sure did.

Hey, wait a minute!

Wait a minute. Did you say God?

I'm sorry. I thought you said guard.