Original subtitles

Previously on Night Court... This is a vial of experimental bacteria.

No one knows what horrible plague we've concocted here.

Is that door sealed?

Good. We don't want any more people exposed. No telling what effect this

virus has had.

So all we can do is wait?

One way or another, fate brought us all here tonight.

What brought us all here tonight is our lousy job.

I can't speak for you, Dan, but I think fate played a hand in me getting my job.

I was going to be a big-time magician until my agent dropped dead.

I have a story, too.

Like Harry, it was about a crucial turning point in my life. I was 19 years

old, and I was a contestant in the Miss Greater Buffalo beauty pageant.

I lost because I took a stand.

I bet Roz is one of those lucky types who knew what she wanted right from the

start, right?

Wrong.

All I knew was I liked wearing a uniform and working with people.

So you know what the virus is?

No.

We put a rat in with the culture that we made, and it died almost instantly.

So a rat died.

I mean, it may not be deadly to humans.

Well, what if it is?

Oh, we patented immediately.

I think what she means is, did we get enough exposure to be harmful?

I don't think so.

Oh, thank God. I was so worried.

But just in case, you might want to give your stenographer here any messages that

you have for somebody on the outside.

You mean like a goodbye message?

Oh, don't think of it that way. Think of it as a see you later, maybe message.

So let's come to this.

Oh, that's strange. You know, I never, never guessed what I would say if I was

in a situation like this. But now that I am somehow, it seems all very clear.

Is that what you want to take a letter?

Sure, Dan.

Darling, I hope you will forgive me for the often uncaring way that I've treated

you. I find that only now, facing death, have I the courage to say, I love you.

Your memory is with me and sustains me.

Okay, now, send it to all the names in here with three stars or more.

Look, we've got to stop thinking it's over. We have to have hope.

That's right.

The bacteria has not affected us.

Bacteria can be very tricky.

I once invented a bacteria that would actually eat oil spills.

No kidding. That sounds great. Did it work?

Oh, yes. It ate the oil spill all right.

Then it ate the tanker, two barges, and a club of men.

Always thinking we can outsmart nature and she's always proving us wrong.

This is all my fault.

I broke the test tube.

Come on, big guy. It could have happened to anyone.

Thanks, Harry, but I have a confession to make.

I screw up all the time.

No.

It's true.

Ever since I was a kid.

Once I disobeyed my mom and... Lost every cent we had.

Really? What happened?

Well... It was a critical time for me and my entire family.

We were broke.

We couldn't even buy food.

Finally, Mom said we had no choice but to sell our cow.

So I took Betsy to town.

Before I got there, I ran into a guy who said he would buy the cow in exchange

for a bag of magic beans.

So when Mom found out, she got mad and threw the beans out the window.

And the next morning, you discovered that they'd grown into a giant

beanstalk? I've told you this before.

That isn't from your life. That's the story of Jack and the Beanstalk.

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

Now I remember.

What I wanted to tell you was the story of me and my dad.

Well, I've never heard you mention your dad before.

He sent me away when I was young and I never saw him again.

Oh, how sad.

Why did he do that?

Because he loved me.

And things back home were real bad.

Son, your mother and I love you very much.

It breaks our hearts to think of being away from you.

But it's no longer safe here.

The time has come when, for your own good, we must send you away.

I know you're frightened, but we're sending you to a safer place.

Things are much better where you're going.

You'll grow up safer, healthier, even stronger.

Goodbye, my son.

burned out in there.

You were telling us the story of Superman.

Wait. What about the time I get bitten by this radioactive spider?

Oh, I am tired of this waiting.

If we're all going to die horrible deaths, I would at least like to get it

over with.

Well, if you like that, I can help speed it along.

Come on, guys. You've got to stop talking like this. We're not going to

die. She's right.

We haven't had any symptoms yet.

We're fine, and we're going to stay that way as long as we all pull together.

Come on.

Right, right. Yeah, right.

Come on, we can't jump to

conclusions. Just because Matt coughed doesn't mean that he's sick.

Maybe he just swallowed a dust bunny.

I have a strange ache in my throat.

I feel feverish.

So do I.

Me too.

And I've got this pain.

It's sharp.

Piercing. Oh, you're sitting on the memo spike.

Symptoms? The virus could be a number of things.

Cholera, anthrax, even bubonic plague.

That's it. I'm out of here. I can't take this anymore.

Dan, relax.

Mac, I can't stand this.

I never had a disease that I didn't earn.

Dan, it'll be okay.

You never know what you're capable of surviving until you're put to the test.

I found that out in Vietnam.

Hey, Sarge. Yeah?

When do you get stuck with guard duty?

Oh.

We can't all watch the USO show, Harry.

Somebody's got to guard the perimeter.

Nah.

Anyway, it's only fair to the other guys.

I'm going home in three days, man.

You are a serious short-timer, man. Yeah, yeah. And that's what worries me.

Seems that...

Always the short timers that make the mistakes.

Don't worry.

You'll be getting out of here.

Yeah?

What then?

After all this, I mean, how do I just pick up and go home like nothing

happened?

Well, you just handle it, you know?

You get a nice job with quiet, normal people.

Hey.

You better go before you miss the gold diggers.

I got to make an ammo check anyway.

All right.

I'll see you later then, huh? Yeah.

Hey. Yeah.

Be careful.

Hey, thanks, man.

Man, you're just a kid.

Wait a minute. No, you don't. Hey, calm down. I'm not going to hurt you. Hey,

watch it. That's a grenade.

Oh, man, you pulled a pin on it. We pulled a pin. Hey, I'm going to kill you

today.

I'm going to kill you today.

Now, don't move.

If we both let it go, it'll blow up.

Now, we've got to find a pin and put it back in there.

Oh, man, look, hey, wait a minute. One of us is going to have to let it go.

Okay.

Uh-uh. Oh, no.

You're first.

Uh-uh.

Oh, no.

You're first.

Man, we're not going to find a pin like this.

Maybe I better just call for help. No.

They can help us find a pen. All right, all right, all right, all right. Just

take it easy.

Oh, man, I don't believe this.

Whoa, whoa, take it easy.

Hey, hey, hey, don't get nervous.

It's just the, uh, it's just the U.S.O. show.

U.S.O.? Yeah, yeah.

Uh-huh, yeah.

Buku girls.

Hey, wait a minute.

Is that why you snuck up here?

To see the show?

How about this heat, huh?

Is it wild?

It's so hot here, I saw a chicken lay a fry egg.

I'll go anyway.

Oh, well, uh... He's just telling, uh... Telling jokes, uh... He said,

uh... Nom wa.

I saw, uh... Kanga de fry eggs.

That is funny, huh?

You haven't had an egg in two

years?

Chicken's dead?

Oh, yeah, yeah, that's a... It's war, man.

Hey, but it's going to be all over soon.

V.C. will be gone, and you'll have your country back.

You know?

Viet Cong gundaloy.

We have saying.

No good fight burglar if destroy own home.

This... Law, is it now home?

I know what you mean, man.

Look, I don't know why these things have to happen to you, or whether we're

doing you any good here, but... Hey, I promise you, man, I

won't hurt you.

If you just...

Jay, if you just let go, I'll try to get us both out of this, man.

What are you waiting for? Run!

Anyway, after that, I figured I could go home and settle down and work with

normal people.

Boy, did you miss the mark.

Well, whatever happens, I wouldn't give up working here and knowing

you guys.

Thanks, buddy. You too. I would.

Yes. I'd give up knowing you to avoid dying in this lousy courtroom. Call me a

stick in the mud.

Come on, Dan. You belong here.

Yeah. I suppose I do. Now.

But I didn't always.

What do you mean?

Well, hey, I had a turning point, too.

Okay.

Next order of business.

Drolet versus Drolet.

Classic case.

Old man builds an empire selling hog semen.

Then he dies and his kids commence to fighting over his money.

Now the brother has filed suit against his sister.

How did the sister respond?

She sued him for divorce.

We got to keep that family together.

Any ideas?

Why don't we ask our new hotshot associate?

Good idea.

Danny?

Sir, I happen to be reading over this case before I went to bed last night.

Before you went to bed?

How old are you, boy? 25?

Bedtime is not for working.

I hear Danny is not exactly experienced with women folk.

You mean our Danny here is a virgin?

Don't pay no mind to that, son.

Tell us what you got. Yes, sir. Well, I found a precedent.

In Miller v.

Bartko, Judge Boudin ruled that perishable goods like hog semen should

be divided equally amongst the heirs to avoid spoilage during litigation.

Boy, you are wonder-mutt.

I'm glad we outbid those other law firms to get him.

Cost us 57 an hour more, but worth every penny.

new business?

Uh, no, sir.

There's a case of Gilray Dupre's tractor running over Antoine's hog.

We gotta win this for Gilray.

He's our biggest cash cow.

Bernard!

Gilray, we were just talking about you. I hope you worked up a defense on this

Antoine thing. I ain't paying for no hog's hip surgery.

Of course we have, Gilray. You know we're the best firm in the Tri-Swamp

area.

It is our defense that I'm concerned by.

Your defense, my man.

Sir, I was thinking that we could file a cross-claim, charging the hog with

contributory negligence.

That is a great idea!

Oh, this boy's like the son I never had.

I'm going places, and I want you with me. Yes, sir. I'll talk about that case

right away.

By the way, fellas, I want you to meet my new wife, Evangeline.

Please meet you.

Hey, Danny, what do you say you work up that reef while we take Gilray out for

some crawfish?

Right on top of it, sir.

Oh, Gilray, you go ahead. I'm not hungry for crawfish.

All right, baby.

So, Danny, what you reading?

Oh, a fascinating history of swan thoughts. Did you know...

Better than 1920.

In this parish, hogs had no legal rights.

You don't say.

How about sex?

Uh, beg your pardon?

I mean, do you have any books on sex?

Um,

yeah. Right over there, second shelf.

You want me to what?

You and me.

Yes. I want us to do that.

Oh, no.

You see, I'm saving myself for my future wife.

Come on, V. It's bad to keep your urges bottled up. You'll explode.

Well, no, no, no. See...

I've seen what happens to fellas my age who mess around.

They lose their concentration. First thing you know, that's all they can even

think of. Oh, Ben, hold on.

Raise down your pants and we'll pass a good time.

Please don't tempt me.

I could have gone with him.

Dan, Dan, Dan.

Yeah, I know.

I throw my life away for sex.

But you know, I thought at least I'd get to die having it.

Don't look at me or you'll die trying to have it.

Gee, after hearing all these stories about your lives, I feel like I know you

people.

You do know us. You're the one who killed us, remember?

Okay, we got the results.

It was tough work, but we finally isolated what was in that pest tube.

Was it deadly?

Was it contagious?

It was pesto sauce!

Evidently, the bacteria was on the shelf of the lab's lunch orders.

The young just grabbed the wrong container.

rats that died when you exposed it.

Well, it seems that we accidentally used a rat from a smoking experiment.

He was already up to eight packs a day. I guess all that extra salt just pushed

him over the edge.

Well, wait a minute. We've been having symptoms.

Mac's been coughing, and we've all been feeling tired and feverish.

Come to think of it, you don't look too good.

Seems like the early stages of... It's him!

He's got the measles!

The measles!

in a few days.

Of course, in the meantime, we'll all have to be quarantined. Oh, no.

Great. They'll have time for me to tell my real story.

It's about me, a little dog, and a yellow brick road. Oh, no.

Thank you.