Original subtitles

Hello? Cousin monty,

how nice to hear from you.

Here's Zelda.

Hi, monty.

Yes, we'll be home for Christmas Eve. Why?

[ No audio]

You're kidding. I was sure you'd have other plans.

Of course you're always welcome.

We'll spend the holidays together.

It's no trouble.

We'll see you tomorrow at 7:00, then.

Ugh! You invited cousin monty?

How could you?

He's family.

He shouldn't be alone

for the holidays.

But he's so annoying.

Well, you should have said something.

Smile when you say that, pardner.

[ Humming]

Hot mulled cider.

Want some?

Let me "mull" it over.

Every Christmas that gets a little less funny.

I'll take more egg nog

and this time don't skimp on the Christmas cheer.

No liquor for you, Salem.

Your little kitty liver can't handle it.

Give me a break.

You know I always get depressed this time of year.

Why?

Well, for one thing

I'm a cat.

Come on, just try and have a little Christmas spirit.

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...

♪ Feh.

Now, that's enough.

You don't have to enjoy the Christmas season

but you will not ruin it for the rest of us.

♪ Deck the halls with boughs of Holly ♪

Stupid cat!

Salem, were you in my closet again?

Yeah. So?

You ruined my favorite Christmas sweater.

Yeah. So?

It meant a lot to me.

Then you shouldn't have hidden your diary under it.

You were reading my diary again?

Yes. It's duller than dishwater...

I told you a thousand times, stay out of my stuff!

Stop it, you two!

It's Christmas Eve

and I don't want any more arguing.

Salem, you owe Sabrina

an apology.

Now!

I'm thinking of how to word it.

Try "I'm sorry."

Somehow that just doesn't feel right.

Forget it.

I don't have time for this.

I've got to meet Harvey at the slicery.

But now I've got to change, thanks to you.

Since you thanked me

can I ask a favor?

Excuse me, cat?

You want a favor?

Yeah, can I tag along to the slicery?

I've got a touch of cabin fever,

and I'd really like...

Are you insane?

I wouldn't bring you to the slicery

if you were the last person/cat on earth.

Man, what's her problem?

You are so self-centered

even for a cat.

How about we leave you alone

to think about what you've done?

And when Sabrina comes back downstairs

I suggest you apologize.

Say you're sorry.

Hmm. "I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry."

I'm sorry I didn't think of this sooner.

Oh... Harvey's gift.

Hi. Sorry I'm late.

That's okay.

It's good for me to read sports illustrated.

Now I'll have something to talk about it with my dad during church.

Anyway, here... this is for you.

Thanks, Harvey. It was so sweet of you...

Open it... please.

I'm kind of nervous.

About what?

About whether you'll

like it or not.

I love it! It's beautiful.

A silver necklace.

Technically, it's a choker.

I just learned that.

Help me put it on?

I hope it's the right size.

My sister helped me to pick it out

and she's got a neck like a linebacker.

Your dad must be really proud.

It looks pretty.

Oh, hey, I've got

something for you.

Salem..?

How did he get to this?

My cat ruins everything.

Hey, no big deal. I was going to rip it open anyway.

Here.

Wow! A scarf!

It's great!

I made it myself.

You knit?

I made it myself.

It fits.

Hey, look...

We both got each other neck stuff.

Number 17, your pizza's ready.

That's us.

I ordered "the Christmas pizza."

With red and green peppers?

Yep.

So. This is the slicery.

Man, what a dump.

Hey, look... parsley.

I think it's mistletoe.

Mistletoe?

Yeah, go ahead. Give her

a Christmas kiss.

I bet she'd like that.

Wouldn't you?

Okay.

Is that what I think it is?

What was that?

Salem? I can't believe this.

Who let a cat in?

Sabrina, isn't that yours?

He must have crawled into my bag.

This cat belongs to you?

We don't allow animals in here.

You let a mouse in.

Uh, there's no mouse.

I saw no mouse!

Now, get that dirty cat out of here.

No, not through the front door.

Cats are a health hazard.

Take him through the kitchen.

And don'tcome back!

Who'd want to?

"Dirty cat"?

I was the cleanest thing in the whole place.

You are in so much trouble.

I have never been so mad at you

in my entire life.

What's the big deal? There was a mouse.

I chased it. End of story.

Not end if story. You got me kicked out of the slicery.

It's one place I had a little privacy.

Don't talk to me about privacy.

I'm the one who has to relieve himself

in a box in the middle of the kitchen.

Do know how hard it is to get that faraway stare going?

Oh, like anyone's watching.

Sabrina, are you back there?

Harvey's coming. Now, be quiet.

Oh, meow.

I mean it.

I got the pizza to go.

Are you okay?

No. I'm getting attitude from my cat.

Sometimes I wish I could just [ Groaning] him!

Come on. Cut him some slack.

After all, his brain's only the size of a walnut.

[ Meowing]

That's an excellent point, Harvey.

Sometimes I forget he's just a stupidcat...

A stupid, stupid, stupid cat.

I feel better.

Good. Come on. I'll walk you home.

Okay. Just give me a sec.

No.salem, get in the bag.

Get in the bag!

Get lost, bi-ped.

I don't need you to get home.

Fine. Stay in the trash for all I care.

Let's go.

You know, that's cute... Talking to your cat.

Yeah, if only I could get him to listen...

No, no...

You can't make me.

We agreed.

You promised you would do

the cooking this year.

You're a much better cook than I am.

I have prepared Christmas dinner for the last 280 years.

It's your turn.

But I... Hilda...

You're not getting out of it.

I hate cooking.

Hello? Is anybody home?

Monty!

Monty...

Glad tidings to all.

I come bearing figgy pudding.

And you're familiar

with my familiar.

Merry Christmas, newt.

Newt: I forgot my fruitcake.

You didn't mention you were bringing an extra mouth.

Hilda, how much can one little newt eat?

Besides, any friend of monty's is welcomed in this house.

Well, I'm delighted to hear you say that, zelly

because I have something to declare.

Come forth, my lovely.

Ladies, meet Lulu.

Happy holidays.

Oh, it's awful cramped in there.

Do you mind

if I stretch?

Isn't she a pip?

Oh, she's "pippy," all right.

Of course, she doesn't have a nickel to her name.

I wish I could have married money, like Cole Porter

but, lord help me, I'm attracted to this.

Hey.

Man, I'm glad I didn't invite Harvey in.

Sabrina, you're just in time to meet our guests.

This is monty...

Charmed.

And Lulu.

Hello.

I can roll my tongue.

Oh, and this is

Salem's oldest and dearest friend, newt.

Oldest and dearest friend, my tail.

You know it's Salem's fault

that I'm a salamander in the first place.

Newt was into Salem's scheme for world domination.

Wayinto it.

Yeah, he promised me Denmark.

So where's the dear boy... Out canning around?

Last I saw, he's in a dumpster behind the slicery.

He said he'd find his own way home.

You left him outside?

You know he's a house pet.

He'll be fine.

Salem's the only cat in town that can call a cab.

♪ ...said barnacle bill the sailor. ♪

[ Chuckling]

That's all the sea chanteys I know.

They must be plenty worried about me now.

Time to head home.

Kitty, kitty, are you all right?!

You don't look hurt

but I'd better take you home to make sure.

Zelda, you've really outdone yourself.

Delicious hot mulled cider.

[ Giggling]: It tickles!

[ Thumping]

Did you hear something?

I hope it's Salem.

Tell him I'm still mad.

Salem?

No, it's just a bunch of kids throwing snowballs.

Watch out for the ice.

Kids: Ow!

Newt: Where is Salem, anyway?

Probably out having the time of his life.

I can hear your heart, kitty.

You're going to live!

Rex, wash up.

It's time for... dinner.

What's that?

A kitty.

I see that, but where'd he come from?

He followed me home. Can I keep him?

Oh... you know how your mom is about pets

and we still don't know where the snake is.

I won't lose the kitty.

Well...

Please? It would be

the best Christmas present ever.

Keep him in your room.

I'll talk to your mom about it tomorrow.

Right now she has her family over.

It's not a good time.

Come on. Let's get ready for dinner.

Guess what I named him.

What?

Stinky.

Okay.

I got some names for you, too, kid.

Ooh!

Phone...

Isn't he marvelous?

I just can't keep my feet off of him.

You seem really in love.

Well, she's just so darn flexible.

I still think we should have waited for Salem.

It's not like him to miss a meal.

I hope he's okay. It's getting cold out.

He has a fur coat.

Can we change the subject?

Let's, uh... talk about...

Monty!

I want to know everything about you.

I was born in a lighthouse...

[ Phone rings]

I'll get it.

A lighthouse?

In Nebraska?

It explains the hat.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Salem. Need a ride?

Help me! I've been kidnapped and I'm wearing a nightgown!

What? Where are you?

Some kid's room.

He knocked me out behind the slicery.

I came to... just in time... To see his house.

It has a white door and a Christmas wreath.

Is this a joke?

Hello? Who is this?

Sabrina. Do you have my cat?

Sorry, Sabrina, he's mycat now.

Wait! Don't hang up!

The phone's not for stinky.

Now, I have to go eat dinner

but later on I'm going to give you a nice, long bath

so you'll be all clean for Santa.

What have I done?!

Salem's been kidnapped.

Kidnapped? by who?

A little boy with a lisp.

What does he want? I'll pay whatever it is.

He doesn't want money. He wants Salem.

But remember, I offered.

Look, we have to get him back.

Can we use magic to find him?

You can't file a missing witch's report for 24 hours.

We can't wait a whole day.

Calm down. We can look for Salem the mortal way...

What do we know?

He's trapped in a house with a white door and a Christmas wreath.

Which in July would've helped us

but right now we need more information.

He's also wearing a nightgown.

Interesting but irrelevant.

We should return to the scene of the crime.

The alley behind the slicery. Let's go.

We'll go with you.

I'm stuck!

Uh, plan b...

We'll hold down the fort.

♪ God rest ye merry gentlemen

♪ let nothing you dismay

I'm so alone.

[ Sobbing]

Hello?

They're all closed up for the holidays.

Where's hilda?

No Salem, but I found a lot of crust.

What's with people?

It's my favorite part.

We've got trash and more trash.

We have nothing.

He's our only eyewitness, and he's no help.

Well, we haven't asked.

Hey, what's going on?

Coolio.

Cool.

We need some information.

Oh, as you can see, that's right up my alley.

We were wondering if you'd seen our cat.

Hanging out in this alley

I see a lot of cats.

So you got to be more specific.

Well, he's a black cat

about this tall

and he talks.

Oh, the talking cat.

I remember him.

He was singing sea chanteys.

Then he got hit by a bike.

He got hit? Was he hurt?

No, but the kid took him home just to be sure.

Which way did they go?

Um, down that way and to the left.

Did you see

anything else?

Yeah. The kid's wheels had a vanity plate.

Um, his name was Rex.

Uh, that's Latin for king.

Um, anyway, I got to get back to work.

So, um, are you guys coming to the concert?

It says it's sold out. Can you get me tickets?

Sorry, I'm just an alley poster.

Try a billboard.

Merry Christmas.

Thank you, Mr. Coolio.

Word to your mother.

Right.

Okay, we're on his tail.

Now we know who, when, how

and sort of where.

Let's start knocking on doors.

[ "Jingle bell rock" playing]

♪

Salem?

I need a plan.

What would MacGyver do?

You know, if he were a cat.

It's a crazy idea, but it just might...

No, that won't work.

But that might.

Bye, grandma, see you next year!

Stinky?

Where are you, stinky?

Yes!

Oh, no! Stinky's gone!

Oh, yay, stinky's back.

I told you to keep him in your room.

I'm sorry, daddy.

It'll never happen again.

I'll make sure of that.

[ Doorbell chimes]

I'll get it! I'll get it!

What do you want?

I'm sorry to disturb you, but I was looking for my cat

and I was wondering if you'd seen it.

A cat?

No, my mom won't let me have a pet.

Okay. Thanks, anyway.

Merry Christmas.

You have a lisp.

So?

What's your name?

None of your business.

Rex, who's at the door?

Rex? You have my cat. Give me back my cat!

What's going on here?

Your son has my cat.

No, I'm afraid you must be mistaken.

My little Rex doesn't have a cat.

See! look, I know he's lying.

Salem! Salem? Sabrina?

Can I just check his room?

That's enough. Don't make me call my husband.

Go away!

And merry Christmas.

It's all my fault.

I never should've left him alone.

He'll be okay.

Even before he was a cat

Salem always landed on his feet.

If it weren't for me, he'd be home.

I could kick myself.

I cankick myself.

Can we focus?

We have five witches and a newt.

We should be able to do something.

I've got it.

We all hide inside a giant wooden horse.

Mmm. That worked so well the last time.

What if I used my magic to pop into the house and grab Salem?

Too risky.

If the little boy sees you, you're caught. How will you explain?

I wouldn't... I'd just knock himas I could.

Oh, good plan.

Bad plan.

Well, maybe I just got a better one.

Who's that?

Santa.

Is that you?

Ho, ho, ho.

The other kids said you didn't exist

but I knew you did... I knew it.

Yeah, yeah... listen, Rex, we need to talk.

Did you bring me presents?

Yeah, I did.

Ho, ho, ho.

I, uh... I brought you a, uh...

Spatula.

And...

This, uh, Neil diamond boxed set.

Neil diamond?

Didn't you get my fax?

You'll get more presents tomorrow.

Right now though, I need to talk to your cat.

Why do you want stinky for?

Well, see, you got the wrong cat.

Actually he belongs to this sweet little blonde girl

who misses him very much.

Tough luck.

Well, if that's how you feel about it

then let me just give, uh, stinky his Christmas present.

It's in the bag.

In the bag.

Hint, hint, hint.

Yay, lots of houses to hit.

See you next year.

But, Santa, you have my cat.

Got to go.

You can't steal my cat.

Watch me.

Santa's stealing my cat!

Rex, what's going on?

Santa stole my cat.

Oh, honey, no, no, you must've been dreaming.

You don't have a cat.

No, I saw him. It was real.

He gave me this spatula.

We're ho, ho, home.

Oh, Salem, merry Christmas. You're back.

Safe and sound.

Salem: It isa wonderful life.

And you know

what I realized?

There are worse places

to be during the holidays

than with your family.

Hear, hear. Hear, hear.

Hooray.

♪ Don we now our gay apparel

♪ fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la

♪ toll the ancient yuletide Carol ♪

♪ fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.

Well, it's after midnight.

Let's exchange gifts.

Salem: Psst.

I got you something, but it's upstairs.

So where's my present?

It's more of a promise than a present.

No present?

Wait. You'll like it.

I promise to appreciate you

and respect your privacy.

From now on?

No. For like a week.

That's it?

Okay, ten days, but that's my final offer.

Deal.

For you.

A ring.

Oh, it's beautiful.

Marry me.

I don't care

if you're poor and have no spine.

Marry me.

Monty, I would love to be your wife.

And here.

This is for you.

Oh. Oh, you shouldn't have.

Oh, dear, this is a solid gold cigarette case.

But you're a circus act.

How could you afford this?

Oh, I forgot to tell you.

My dad's loaded.

Oh.

Oh, dear girl.

This isthe best Christmas ever.

I'd like to propose a toast.

To family...

And to friends.

All: Merry Christmas.

And to all a good newt.

I think Salem's really happy to be home.

Yeah, he's been having a great time all morning.

Next year I don't think I'll bother to buy him a gift.

This is good.

This is so good.

Oh, the wrapping... Greens and reds.

Ohhh...

This is the best Christmas ever.

It is great to be home!

Ohh, yes, yes, yes!

I think he likes my paper best.

[ Imitating motor]

Honey, don't you want to ride

your new motocross bike?

No.

Well, you haven't played

with your new basketball.

How about a little one on one.

No!

How about your new train?

No!

Your dump truck?

No!

Volcano?

No!

Rex, give daddy the spatula.

No. Santa gave it to me.

It's the best Christmas present ever.

He loves it so much.

Where'd he get it?

Well, I guess the same place

he got that Neil diamond cd.

Hey, dad, will you put on

"sweet Caroline" again?

No! no!