Original subtitles

Hey, guys.

Hello. The strangest thing just happened in the elevator. This guy tried to get

information out of me about Christine.

Short, shifty-eyed with questionable hair?

No, she's perky with blue eyes and blonde hair.

No, slag brow. The guy.

Well, until we know what this is all about, let's not say anything to

Christine, okay? I mean, it's only going to get her upset.

Okay, you got it.

Bye.

Why'd everybody suddenly get so quiet?

Well, some guy was asking loads of questions about you, and we've been

ordered to zip our lips.

She pried it out of me.

What kind of questions?

He wanted to know about your performance in court.

He asked me if I liked working with you.

He asked me to list your outstanding qualities.

I said you had two.

Although maybe I should have said three.

I don't like the idea of some stranger digging around in my private life.

Well, listen, maybe if the guy's still in the building, we can find him.

Good idea. You take the courtroom. I'll take the stairwell.

Well, Christine, you don't even know what he looks like.

Well, you're right.

You take the stairwell.

I got it. I got it.

Part of it, anyway.

Canubial fusion?

Oh, wait a minute. If that's the one about the lab technician and her magic

beakers, it gets a thumbs up from me.

No, no, it's the video I shot of Bull and Wanda's wedding.

It's empty.

Make that two thumbs up.

No, see, this is just the mock-up artwork for the cassette box.

I'm still finishing my final cut.

It's not easy condensing 60 hours of tape to 90 breathtaking minutes.

Especially since the wedding only lasted seven.

Harry, Canuvial Fusion is not just about the wedding.

It's about the total wedding experience.

Mac, make me a copy of that.

You're interested in my wedding?

I'm touched.

No, I'm interested in the write-off. I'm going to donate that to the Primate

Breeding Center at the Bronx Zoo.

Fifty-five dollars in time, sir.

There's still no sign of that guy. But if he shows up, I'll cuff him and tie

him to a chair until he spills his guts.

Can we just ask him his name?

Yeah, but what's the fun in that?

People versus weeks.

Conspiracy to solicit. Mr.

Prosecutor? Yes, sir. The defendant was arrested when her neighbors reported a

suspicious number of men and women going in and out of her brownstone.

On an almost hourly basis, when the police raided, they found a whole lot of

shaking going on.

We should refer to Ms. Weeks as Madam Weeks.

Actually, it's Dr.

Weeks. Your Honor, Dr. Weeks has a Ph.D. in S-E-X.

That's sex.

It's okay to say it out loud. I can help you with that.

those are my credentials i employ the techniques of sexual surrogacy and the

people my neighbors observed were my patients wait whoa you get to do the

mattress mambo with your patients no my surrogates get to do the

mattress mambo they are paid professionals trained to help the

patients overcome their troubles through actual hands-on sexual encounters well

give me give me a minute

When you say hands-on, you mean as in pulsating hands on naked flesh?

We prefer to call it therapy.

Your Honor, sexual surrogacy is a legal and licensed practice.

God bless our founding fathers.

Well, I'm going to dismiss this case, but Dr.

Weeks, I would suggest that you explain to your neighbors that you're not

operating a house of ill repute. It's just a house of ill recruits.

What a concept.

Sexual surrogacy. I mean, it is the perfect harmony between capital gain and

capital loss.

Gee, I wonder if I'd be overqualified.

Oh, Dr. Weeks. I was hoping that I might find out some more about your

surrogacy program.

Oh, I see. Are you saying you have a problem?

Impotency.

Me.

Doctor, I have an innate talent for sensing a woman's needs.

I could be a big asset to your program.

You know, Mr. Fielding, there are many men who want to become surrogates for

purely selfish reasons.

I see that I'm going to have to level with you.

You see, I'm a product of a sexually dysfunctional family.

My mother was frigid and my

father had to turn elsewhere to warm his coals.

Well, Mr. Fielding, I'm sorry. I had no idea.

To help other people so that they don't wind up like Mom and Daddy Bob.

Well, you know you'd have to go through training.

I'm a quick study.

With a slow trigger.

I hope you understand that what we're doing is serious.

Believe me, I'm serious.

About sex.

Why don't you call me tomorrow and we'll get started?

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

Yes!

Oh, oh, oh, oh! Be careful.

Don't want to damage teacher's aid. So you think Christine Sullivan has a

pretty balanced diet? Pizza, knishes, black-eyed peas, nice ethnic mix?

Good, good.

We've never met.

Hold it, mister.

I'm Christine Sullivan, and I want to know why you're asking all these

questions.

Christine Sullivan, we meet at last. I'm Johnny Dugan. What a lucky woman you are

to have such a stellar reputation, from a shining success in law school to your

tenure as a sympathetic yet tough public defender, not to mention a single mother

to a beautiful son who I hear is...

fitting image of his father.

Tell me, Christine, whose fault was this failed marriage?

What the hell is going on here?

Miss Sullivan, we're thinking of running you as a candidate for Congress.

What? That's right, Christine. You see, I'm a political consultant for the

party, and we feel you have winner written all over you.

Me? I have no political experience.

I was elected class president in my fourth grade class. Vice president? You

only became president when Maureen Foley came down with the mug.

I would have beat the pants off if her mother hadn't bought the whole class ice

cream. A cheap trick.

But ancient history. Are you familiar with the incumbent Louise Cahill? Sure.

Eighteen terms in office, but sadly, Louise has grown so frail. One big gust

of wind and... Well, she's the best.

You are the future. So tell me, what issues does Christine Sullivan care

about?

Daycare?

Oh, I'm tingling.

You could be the voice of the people.

This is just too much, too soon. I'm going to have to think about this. Think

about this, Christine.

You're driven up the long drive to the White House.

You walk down the red carpet into the East Room where the President of the

United States greets you with...

Hello, Christine.

How's little Charlie?

President wants to know about little Charlie?

That's sweet.

You're seated at a state dinner between the Secretary of Commerce and some

general who hangs on your every word. Oh, and that souvenir ashtray you

slipped in your purse for the keepsake?

It's okay.

It's expected.

They've got lots of them.

I collect souvenir ashtrays.

Congress? No, I don't know. Just think about it.

Oh, and Christine, congratulations.

For what?

According to our computer poll, you've already won.

It was a landslide.

They want me to run for Congress.

Is that the funniest thing you've ever heard?

You run for Congress.

You're a great public defender.

You're smart.

You're personable. You're charismatic. I guess you would make a good candidate.

Oh, don't be ridiculous, Harry. How could I be qualified to run for public

office?

What do you want me to do here?

Support me.

Well, fine, then. There's lots of unqualified people in office.

I mean, everybody has to start somewhere.

You know, Harry, I never told anyone that, but...

I have always dreamed about becoming an elected official.

When I'd walk down the street, people would say, there goes Christine

Sullivan. She cares.

And she looks so much thinner in person.

So, what do you think?

Well, I think it's pretty sudden.

But some people are born into greatness, and others have greatness thrust upon

them. Right, Congresswoman Sullivan?

Ooh, I love that.

Okay, I'm going to call him up, tell him to get to work.

Meet Christine Sullivan. She's bright, she's honest, she's running for

Congress.

Wow.

These guys thrust fast.

I'd like that wedding video, huh?

Mac, you took the most beautiful day of our lives and turned it into a satanic

nightmare.

That doesn't sound like a compliment.

So this is what you really think of us? A couple of distorted faces who speak in

slow motion.

Oh, that was symbolic of your timeless love and all-encompassing commitment.

You didn't even hold the camera right.

You cut off my head.

That was an artistic choice.

It was to show that you weren't just you, you're every man.

Well, every man didn't marry Wanda. And every man doesn't appreciate great art.

This was a cinematic statement.

A doll ceremony could be shot by any idiot.

In that case, I could have done it myself.

We probably would have had some record of the happiest day of our lives.

I never want to see this artsy fartsy poop again.

I'm not surprised if your thank you note comes postage due.

The least you could have done was rewind it.

Christine, meet your machine.

Eric's in charge of appearance, Judy policy, Scott fundraising, and Bertram

VI.

VI? Voter impact. How you shake hands, kiss babies, wave, that sort of thing.

You mean there's a right and a wrong way to wave?

The right wave can make or break a candidate.

This country was built by great risk.

Are you ready? I've only had five days to prepare. I'm not familiar with all

the issues.

Don't worry about the issues right now.

Well, I would like to talk about the Harrison Cain daycare bill, which Louise

Cahill voted against.

We've been reading, haven't we?

Yes, I have, and it's something I'd like to spend more time with. And you will,

but first things first, Eric.

Here's your color charge.

Now, remember, primary covers are for primaries.

Luckily, you're an autumn.

Well, Zep, give me your hand.

Why?

I need it for Chapter 7, The Delicate Art of Touch.

What are you going to do with it?

I need it so I can make her feel relaxed. Now give it to me!

More surrogacy training, Dan?

Well, Dr. Wick's course is very thorough.

Unlike her screening process.

Foreplay should be the most important part of lovemaking.

Starting with the fingers, gently trace up your partner's arm.

Correct the shoulder with care, delicately massaging each muscle

while isolating each key erogenous zone.

What's wrong with you?

Oh, nothing, baby.

Tom?

warm up to my sensitivity?

Somebody better alert the morgue.

Well, another few minutes and your candidacy will be officially launched.

I can feel the excitement.

I can hear the pulse of the race starting to beat.

It's my heart.

It's lodged in my throat.

You'll be terrific.

Now, the press will be here soon, so it's time to strike up. Think positive.

Think winner.

Think kicking that old prune in the butt.

I'll be right back.

I'm Christine Sullivan. I'm running in the 13th Congressional District.

I know. That's my district.

Oh, wonderful. My first voter. How exciting.

Here's a pamphlet and a button. I hope you'll think of me on election day.

You don't understand.

That's my district.

I'm Louise Cahill.

You're Louise Cahill?

But you can't be. You look so alive.

Came down here to check me out.

Oh, don't flatter yourself.

I was in the building having dinner with old Bucky Reed.

Thought I'd pop up and I this year's model.

Bucky Reed?

As in Maxwell Reed?

As in Supreme Court Justice Reed? The one and only.

You call him Bucky?

And have for 45 years. Ever since Harvard.

Oh, he had quite a set of teeth on him in those days.

You went to Harvard?

Radcliffe. Oh, surely you can recall some impressive friendships from your

days in Buffalo State.

Well, yeah, yeah, I... How did you know I went to Buffalo State?

Oh, I make it my business to know everything about my opponent.

After all, I think the public deserves a candidate who's well-informed, not the

homecoming queen.

I was never homecoming queen.

Second runner-up. Aha! First runner-up.

Anyway, Miss Sullivan, the 13th district is mine.

It's been mine for 36 years. Now, doesn't that tell you something?

That maybe it's time for a change? Oh, yes. I've heard that one before.

You know, two years ago, they came up with an MBA from Yale.

A nice young man.

Handsome, idealistic, a little like you.

And they convinced him he could win by a landslide, and the next thing he'd be in

the White House posing with the president and stealing ashtrays.

I heard they let you keep them.

Well, then came our first debate, and he was in way over his head, and he looked

to me for help.

Well, I did what anyone would do for a drowning man.

I threw him an anchor.

and watched him sink like a stone.

Why are you telling me this?

I think you should really know what you're in for.

I'm going to annihilate you.

Just like you annihilated the Harrison Cain daycare bill?

Oh, that's just one tiny bill, Christine.

One of hundreds. Well, maybe, but it's a pretty big one to me.

Look, Miss Sullivan, I think it's very noble of you.

to want to serve in a public office. But why don't you start by running for

hairdresser? Oh, look at the time.

I've got a fundraiser at 21.

And at 2,000 a plate, they expect you at least to show up for dessert.

I'll see you on the campaign trail.

May the best woman win.

She has for 36 years.

Bye.

What a great wave.

Congratulations, Mr. Fielding. You passed all of your exams, and your first

patient will be here any minute.

I'm ready, Doctor.

Here's your file.

Her name is Virginia.

She has an insatiability problem.

You mean she... Can't control her sex drive.

Thank you.

I'm serious.

Glad I had oysters for lunch.

Here she is now.

Virginia, this is Dan, and he's going to help you.

As many times as I can.

Come. We are going to have a very therapeutic evening. And, yes, Virginia,

there is a Santa Claus.

Matt? Yeah.

Oh, hi.

So, uh, what'd you think?

There's three words I never thought I'd say.

Bull was right.

You didn't like it?

I mean, didn't you feel the symbolism, the angst, the struggle between good and

evil?

Stupidest thing I ever saw.

You people wouldn't know great art if it came and slapped you in the face.

Well, if you think that's great art, somebody should come and slap you in the

face.

Conuvial Fusion is a masterpiece.

I don't care what any of you think.

Oh, they laughed at Ingmar Bergman. They sneered at Federico Fellini, and they

panned David Lynch.

Those guys got off easy.

They gonna kill you.

Hey, you all set for your big press conference?

Is that pained expression part of your campaign strategy?

Harry, Louise Cahill came to see me.

I have never met a more powerful woman.

I don't want to run against her. I want to work for her.

Christine, she's been doing this a long time. She's a professional politician.

Yeah, my point exactly.

I think the people deserve someone with experience, not the homecoming queen.

I thought you were just first runner-up.

Christine, there you are.

Could you excuse us, Judge? We have a few last-minute details.

Yeah, sure.

See you in there.

I hope.

Now, everyone's here and they're... Johnny, I can't do this.

Of course you can. It's just a little press conference. No, I mean, I don't

think I can run.

Louise Cahill was here and... It's so fair.

So, Louise came to psych you out.

She's been using that trick since the Alamo. You're not going to let that old

battle axe intimidate you. Well, she makes sense.

I have no business running against her. Christine, we believe you can make a

difference, but you've got to believe in yourself.

Now, if you don't think you're strong enough, then the time to get out is now.

But if you have the gut, walk through that door and become our candidate.

You're the only one who can make that decision.

Thank you.