All language subtitles for S09E12 - Shave and a Haircut

What are you listening to, Bull?

It's a tape called Subliminal Physics
for Beginners. It's part of the

Subliminal Books on Tape series.

Relax to the soothing sounds of the
ocean and seagulls as your subconscious

hears Carl Sagan bring quantum physics
to life.

So have you learned anything so far?

Yep. Carl Sagan's voice makes my ears
bleed.

Then why are you listening to it?

Well, it's not altogether a bad feeling.

Here are those wanted posters you asked
for, boss.

Wanted posters?

Yes. I have decided to bring some
fugitives to justice. It's my way of

giving something back to this great city
of ours.

Since when did you become the caped?
Crusader. I heard about the reward

money.

There's big bucks in bounty hunting.
Will, here are your assignments for this

evening. Mail fraud, petty larceny, tax
evasion, parking violations.

It'll be a pleasure to round up this
scum.

You're sending Will after them?

Yeah, isn't that a little dangerous?

Nah, they're all wanted for just minor
stuff. I mean, the bounties are low, so

the key word is volume.

No, the key word is greed.

No, that's the mantra.

Oh, boy.

What's the matter, Harry?

This is the Ed Koch Community College
Humor Magazine.

The harpoon.

So? So now that I'm teaching there,
they've made me the faculty advisor.

The best buns in New York contest?

Our connect-the-dots portrait of Ed
Koch?

A phony phone call to the Pope?

You're their faculty advisor. You should
advise them to stop printing that.

Excuse me, Christine. Could you pass
these sodium chloride crystals that

condense in mass through vaporization?

Hey,

it's working!

Professor Stone, you want to do a test?

Ah, yes.

The editors.

Walter, Travis, come on in, guys.

Take a seat.

I called you down here to talk about the
harpoon.

Yeah, didn't this issue turn out great?
I really liked your idea, numbering the

pages.

Especially that little tip on
consecutive order.

Oh, yeah.

It's a good start, but we have a ways to
go.

Hey, we're really trying, Judge.

It's not easy going to night school and
driving a cab and creating biting satire

that's spelled right.

I understand, fellas, but we've got to
try.

We've got to make this magazine
everything it can be.

We've got to find something to make the
harpoon worth reading.

We can restore the Man of the Year
Award.

Yeah, now you're talking.

The Man of the Year, what's that?

It's an old harpoon tradition from the
late 80s.

They used to put the winner's picture on
a cover and honor him at a fundraiser.

Well, that sounds great. Why was that
discontinued?

Well... In 87, the winner was the
world's fastest chewer, and during the

interview, he swallowed his dentures.

Yeah, but that tracheotomy made for a
great photo layout.

That's ancient history.

But we can't get it started again.

Yeah, this man of the year thing could
be just what the harpoon needs.

We just have to find someone very
impressive to honor.

Well, we're just a small-time community
college, sir.

Nobody's going to want us.

Hey, what about Mel Torme?

Who's Mel Gourmet?

Torme is only the greatest singer and
songwriter who ever lived.

Have a heart of me.

I'm telling you guys, with Mel Torme as
your man of the year, it could get the

harpoon back on its feet.

Great. And where are we going to find
this guy? Look in the yellow pages under

where are they now?

and I are very tight. In fact, last
year, he personally hand-delivered to me

tickets to his concert.

Really?

He sounds desperate enough.

Okay, Professor, if you think so.

So you want me to hire some hookers to
blackmail him into it?

No, Travis. Why don't I just ask him?

Okay. But people are more open-minded
when you got snapshots of them in a skin

sandwich.

Five fugitives, five rewards.

They gave up just like that? No
resistance, no violence? No, ma'am.

Well, where's the sport in this?

Hold on a second. You caught five
fugitives in three hours?

Exactement.

I'm rich.

This is the motherlode.

Catching felons for fun and profit. I
see it all now. A franchise.

Have dozens of guys running around in
little uniforms catching crooks.

It's been done, Dan. It's called the
police.

Rose, these men are all yours.

No resistance.

You guys are going to have a great time
in holding.

No time to stand around. I think I hear
the chow bell ringing at the mission.

Hold on, Will. More important mission.
More crooks to round up.

Edward Lutz, a.k.a. Crazy Eddie.

A.K.A. Eddie the Machete.

A.K.A.

Edward Kitterblands.

Something tells me this guy's gone way
beyond white collar.

Well, be silly. He's only wanted for
performing plastic surgery without a

license. And without anesthesia.

And without permission.

Dan, this guy's a maniac.

Oh, let he without sin.

He might be a little trickier than the
others, but he's worth ten grand.

That means your split is a cool $100.

$100?

Doesn't seem fair.

But since I am your humbled servant and
forever in your debt, I accept the

challenge. Good. Then I'll keep the
$100.

I'll rise defying the gravitational pull
of the Earth.

Part two is now accelerating from an
inert state to an in-session state.

The Honorable Energy Mass, Harold T.
Stone, residing in space and time.

Boy, he said a mouthful.

Yeah, now he's making my ears bleed.

I'd like to see Mr. Torme. Mr. Torme is
rehearsing and not available to his

fawning legions.

I'm not a fan.

I mean, I am a fan. I'm his biggest fan.
I happen to know Mel personally. Many

claim to know Mr. Torme personally. They
merely want him to appear at a banquet

or accept some trivial award.

Oh, it's nothing like that.

Just tell him Judge Stone is here.

If I must. Wait here.

And don't touch anything.

I wrote that one for Ella.

She did a Marvy scat version of that
one. I mean, that kitty cat can really

swing.

Mr. Tomey is a very busy man. We mustn't
monopolize his time with public

adulation. Oh, Chumlee, don't be such a
hangnail.

Fellas, I want to thank you once again
for this fabuloso Junior Woodchuck of

the Year Award.

I want to hang it right here, right here
next to my keychain.

of keys to the cities. Hey, I just got
Tallahassee yesterday.

That Marvy little Hamlet really digs the
mellow, so man.

Hey, Chumlee, those are two with it
chuck-a-duck ducks.

There is a judge here who claims to know
you. A judge? That's wild. I don't know

any judges.

Hey, Mel!

Oh, that judge.

It's really swell to see you again.

Wow, this is incredible.

Oh, it's just a little place I like to
call my shrine.

This must be the baby grand you used to
record Chase Me Charlie on Mel Torme and

Friends, recorded live in 81.

Not bad, not bad. Well, then maybe you
remember my friends.

The Meltones.

Paulette and Ursula.

Like, hi.

A meltone just spoke to me.

So, have you just come to worship or is
there something in this for me?

Well, it is my honor as faculty advisor
to the Ed Koch Community College Humor

Magazine to inform you that we have
chosen you as our man of the year. Man

of the year!

Oh, it sounds scrumptious.

What's the catch?

The catch, the students worship your
music and they want to acknowledge it

with an award.

They really worship my music?

Did you hear that, Chumlee?

I told you I was still steaming up that
campus scene.

Well, as marvy as it is to have fans on
the egghead circuit, I've got... No,

Mel, Mel, Mel, these aren't just fans.

They're the future journalists of
America.

They are? Yes.

And with you as their man of the year,
they can raise enough money to continue

publishing.

They can?

Yes, absolutely. And not only will you
get the cover story and your own awards

banquet, but they also want to give you
a plaque.

A plaque?

How big?

Oh, say, yo big.

And it would be engraved, fab-u-licious.

And all I have to do is just, uh...

Show up at this banquet, huh? And let
them interview you for the article.

Kiddo, you got yourself a man of the
year.

Marvie.

Wow. Great story, Mr. Tomei.

I think we got all we need.

Well, if you kiddos don't have any more
questions for the mellow-so-man, I think

I better fly back to the nest and suit
up for the banquet.

We'll pick you up at 8 o'clock.

Marvie.

Harris-O-Reno.

You know, you've been a pest in the
past, but this time, you really came up

with the goods.

Well, what are buddies for?

Meloso man?

Now, you'll sit on the dais with me.

Oh, Mel, I would be honored.

Magnifico. And then afterward, you, me,
and the Meltones will hip-hop over to

Sardi's for Singapore slings.

Died and gone to heaven.

Wonderful.

Well, till then.

Catch you on the flip-flop, Judge.

Oh, guys.

This is going to be the greatest night
of my life.

Oh, I guess I'm going to have to get the
old tuxedo pressed.

Save your money, Judge.

You won't be needing it, Tux. You fell
for it hook, line, and sinker. Travis,

you just gotta find out sooner or later.

Find out what?

Well, uh, there is no award ceremony.

What? A little prank we play on the man
of the year. Part of the Harpoon's time

-honored tradition.

What's the other part of the
time-honored tradition?

Well, basically, we kidnap the man of
the year.

We blindfold him, take him to the school
gym, shave his head, hang him upside

down over the basketball court, pelt him
with tomatoes.

You can't do that to Mel Torme!

We have to. We sold 3,000 tickets. And
6,000 tomatoes.

Boss, we've hit the jackpot. Wait a
minute, don't tell me. Eddie the

machete, the cranky cosmetic surgeon?

In the homicidal flesh.

I don't believe it. How'd you take him
alive?

Reverse psychology.

I let Eddie beat me till he thought I
was in a coma.

That's when they let their guard down.

So I guess your little scheme paid off,
even though you almost cost Will his

life. A small price to pay in the name
of justice and Dan Fielding's bank

account, huh?

So you're the one who sent him after me.

Fielding.

Fielding.

Fielding! What are you doing?

I'm burning your name into my brain.

Want me to write it down for you?

Come on, Danny. Time to turn you over to
the proper authorities.

I'll be back, boss.

So will I, boss.

Fielding.

Fielding.

Well,

Dan, looks like you got yourself a new
pen pal.

You better pray he stays in the pen.

Come on, Matt, keep them coming. What's
the holdup?

Your Honor, defense is all for the right
to a speedy trial, but does it have to

be warped speed?

I have no time to wait. I have to save
Mel.

What are you talking about? If I don't
get to him before those harpoonies do,

they're going to hang him upside down
and shave all his hair off.

Why would they do that?

Probably so none of the little hair
thingies go down his collar.

Good news, sir. I've got the last five
cases coming right up. People versus

Bloom, people versus Hauser, people
versus Stahl and Fisher, and people

versus Heckler.

Charges?

Littering. Spitting on the subway, a
fist fight, and staging an illegal sit

-in. All right, we have some litter, a
spitter, two hitters, and a sitter.

Good thing there wasn't a pooper scooper
violation.

Uh, yes, sir? Well, they're minor
charges, and they look like nice people,

so to expedite things, what do you say
we call it? Time served, and a stern

warning not to do it again.

That's a wrap.

Dan! Oh, thank God you're all right.

Of course I'm all right. What are you
talking about? Eddie the Machete, he

escaped.

Huh?

He hit right through the cuffs.

Then he overpowered me and ran off
chanting, Fielding, fielding, fielding.

I hope you're not angry with me.

Angry? No.

It's not your fault. He did your best.

That's all any reasonable person could
ask.

Thanks, boss. Sure.

Oh, Will, you know, I just remembered. I
need a house sitter tonight. Would you

mind going by my place, putting on one
of my suits, and sitting by the window?

Of course.

Oh, nice, Dan.

Now that Will's a sitting target, what
are you going to do? Change my name to

Consuelo and move to Ecuador.

I tell you, Chumlee, it's the bow tie.
It shrank.

It did not shrink.

You grew.

I'm the same neck size I was at 30.
These jazzy jowls are as tight as a tom

-tom.

There. Well, how do I look? Fine.

Except someone forgot to wash his face.

Spit.

Ah,

my adoring fans have arrived.

Oh, Mel.

Thank goodness you're still here. Oh,
hi, Harry. How do I look?

Beautiful. And a full, beautiful head of
hair.

And your attire is understated yet
unrefined.

Don't pay any attention to him, Harry.
He's just excited about the big event.

You're excited?

Like a quivering schoolgirl.

You know, Harry...

This is a big night for me, but the
really fab part of it is that you and I

are finally getting to know each other.
Yeah. Mel, about the banquet. Listen,

when you've got some time, I want you to
meet my daughter, Melody.

Isn't she a dish?

A dish.

She's a knockout. And single.

You know, one of these days, Harry, you
may become a member of the Torme tribe.

The Torme?

I could have been a Torme.

No, about the banquet.

Oh, yeah, listen, I meant to ask you,
what are they serving on the menu?

Something about tomatoes.

Stewed or stuffed?

Tossed.

You know, I was thinking on the way down
here, I mean, you've won so

many awards in your life. 2,647, but
who's counting?

Exactly, and then there are... All those
guys out there, they haven't won

anything. You know, that's right. I'm
blessed.

I'm truly blessed.

And no one is more generous than you.

That's true.

I'm generous and blessed.

I was thinking, since you're so generous
and blessed, maybe you would want to

withdraw your name for Man of the Year
and then let someone else get the award.

What, are you kidding, Harry? I can't
let those...

Campus cats down?

Oh, sure you can. It's a nothing award
from a nothing school.

Harry, I'm surprised at you. What do you
take me for, one of those phony showbiz

types? Listen, I gave him my word.

I'm going to be at that banquet tonight
with bells on.

Besides, I need the plaque.

Oh, that must be the kids now.

I'll get them.

Is Mel ready? We got the chloroform and
razor.

Yeah, it's them, all right.

Harry, what is wrong with you?

Nothing.

It was kind of cold out tonight, Mel.
Maybe you need an overcoat.

Not a bad idea. Got to protect these
croon tubes, huh?

Bad news, guys.

He came down with a tuxedo infection.

He's going to spend the night in.

Oh, no.

I know you guys are disappointed, but
you'll get over it. I mean, what the

heck? You just have to wait a year
before you get another victim for your

award. I hate to waste good chloroform.

high stack.

I think that physics tape has vaporized
your brain.

No, no, I'm finished with that book. Now
I'm listening to subliminal Dr.

Seuss.

18,000.

19,000.

20,000.

Where'd you get all that cash?

From Dan.

For recapturing Eddie the machete.

Nice doing business with you, Dan.

All rise, all rise. Put your head in the
sky.

Now in session is criminal court part
two.

Are you?

Hannibal Harold Keystone presiding.