All language subtitles for S09E11 - Santa on the Lam

Christine, who is on your Christmas list
this year? All of lower Manhattan?

Is it for little Charlie?

I know I might have gone a little
overboard, but this is the first

Christmas he'll be opening his own
presents.

He'll be opening them until his voice
changes.

Well, that's it. Our Christmas itinerary
is complete.

At 7 a.m., Wanda and I fly to Boston
Harbor for coffee on Mama's oil tanker.

Then we shoot down to Myrtle Beach where
Wanda's parents are throwing a holiday

luau brunch.

Then we chop her to D.C. to her cousins
for a slice of homemade mincemeat pie.

You're gonna do all that in one day?

I haven't even gotten to noon yet.

Sir Ross, what songs has the bailiff's
chorale worked up for the Christmas

party tonight?

Everything. From Old Tannenbaum to
Santa's Got a Brand New Bag.

Hook her up for safety.

Cover up for safety. Hey.

Well, aren't we in the holiday spirit?

Why shouldn't we be? It is the most
wonderful time of the year. Eggnog on

every table.

Lonely women showering me with gifts.

Lonely women showering me.

And on that lovely note, Dan, why don't
we draw names for our secret Santa gift

exchange? Capital idea. Now, remember,
in the true spirit of giving, Mum is the

word on the name you choose, okay?

Boy, just like last year. I got you
again, Dan!

Gee, I pulled Dan's name, too.

So did I.

Dan, it looks like we all drew your
name.

Wow, a Christmas miracle.

Fifty-five dollars in time, sir.

Next case is on its way, sir.

Okay, out of ease, folks.

Lissette? Yeah?

Merry Christmas.

Thank you, Ice.

Oh, hey, don't worry, Ron. I'm still
working on yours.

You know, papier-mâché really isn't my
medium.

Hi.

Hi.

Christine, I'd like to introduce you to
Miss... Hendley.

Hendley. She's a tax attorney from,
uh... Milwaukee.

Milwaukee. You met at Judge Altman's
Hanukkah horseshoe toss.

And as I recall, the conversation then
went pretty much the way it's going now.

Yeah. But this one's going better.

So what are you doing still in town?

My audit was held over till the 26th,
and the drive to Milwaukee just isn't

worth it.

Why don't you fly?

Flying gives me shingles.

So then you're going to be away from
home for the holidays?

Yes.

Oh, well, we're having a Christmas party
here tonight.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, no, no, no, not now, not now, later.

Would you like to come?

Christine.

I'm sure that Miss Henley has many more
exciting things to do tonight than to

come to our smelly, old, boring office
party.

I'd love to.

When does it start?

Right after session.

Thanks.

Bye.

Well, congratulations.

You just invited the biggest wet blanket
in New York to our party. Harry, you're

being so selfish.

I mean, if I was alone in a strange
town, I'd want somebody to show me a

good time.

I'll meet you in Poughkeepsie in two
hours.

The next case is up, sir. People versus
Belashi.

Assault on a Santa clone.

A Santa clone?

Yeah, it's really a repulsive concept,
Your Honor. Youngman's department store

has set up a robot dressed up like
Santa.

The child pours his sweet little heart
into a computer chip embedded inside a

styrofoam beard.

The store fills his order and bills his
parents.

Well, how did this get Mr.

Belashi's chestnuts roasting?

He's the real Santa they fired to make
way for the machine.

Yeah, I was their Santa for 25 years,
sir.

Gee, and they fired you on Christmas
Eve?

What did you do to the Santa clone?

I hit it in the head with a golf club.

How much damage?

Oh, chipped the beard, flattened the
pipe, and drove the nose into the shoe

department.

I have a natural slice.

Your Honor, the store claims there was
only about $120 worth of damage.

Well, then what do you say we ask Mr.
Belachi to pay restitution for the

damages and we'll call it time, sir? In
a pig's eye, I demand this man be held

over for trial.

We can't let this public menace roam
free on this.

The holiest of nights.

Dan. Sir.

Are you sure this is what you want to
do?

Absolutely.

This man represents everything evil
about Christmas. He is marring the

spirit of commercialism, consumerism,
and every other ism that makes this

season great.

I'm sorry, Mr. Belachi, but if that's
the way the people feel, then I'm afraid

I'm going to have to hold you over for
trial.

Bull, take him to Holden.

Gee, I just don't feel right about
taking Santa to jail.

Well, at least he'll be in good company.

We already locked up two Christmas elves
and a flasher in a pear tree.

Well, I think this thing's got fleas.

Great news, Christine.

More presents for little Charlie.

More? That can't be.

I've got all his gifts.

Where are these from?

Bloomingdale's.

It's a Billy Bronco truck.

No, I've already received his Billy
Bronco truck.

Something is very wrong here.

I'll say, this one needs a front-end
alignment.

Oh, Danny.

I've got your gift.

Oh, thank you, Bambi, my little D-cup of
holiday cheer.

Now remember, you'll be getting yours
tomorrow under the tree at 7.45.

Then again at 8.12.

Must be really cold in Milwaukee this
time of year.

Cold.

Snow? Lots.

Eggnog? No, mostly just snow.

Is it getting hot in here?

Or is it just me?

God rest ye many devotees and widows far
and wide.

Your Christmas luck is gonna change
cause daddy's by your side.

We'll kiss and...

Hi, is somebody there?

Bambi, is that you?

I told you you couldn't undress your
present till tomorrow.

But if you insist... Hold it!

You're Belachi, aren't you? The Santa
clone killer.

Where did you get that gun?

The guard had a little too much
Christmas cheer and he stumbled into my

cell to sleep it off.

So you're holding me hostage?

have a job.

Hey, look, look, Belachi, teeing off on
a robot is one thing, but holding a

prominent prosecutor hostage with a gun,
you're facing serious jail time here.

Oh, boy, this isn't what I wanted.

This morning I was Father Christmas, and
now I'm an escaped convict with a gun in

my hand. Yeah, well, it's better than
being a DA with a gun at his head.

Hey, come on.

It's Christmas.

How about a little goodwill?

is dead.

Christmas has changed, Mr. Fielding.
It's nothing more than greed and profit

margins. And now there's not even room
for a human Santa Claus.

Is that the kind of world you want to
live in?

It was every fiber of my being.

Hey, Dad, have you seen my train
schedule?

Hey, Bull, look.

It's Santa from Holding.

He's here.

With us.

Don't you want to give him some milk or
cookies or a chokehold?

No, I've got to find out if there's a
midnight train to Pittsburgh.

Now, where's that schedule?

Maybe it's there, under Santa's...

It would if they were his.

Look at this. A curling iron, hedge
clippers, a set of wine goblets.

Lucky kid, I didn't get wine goblets
till I was eight.

A bonsai tree. I didn't order any of
these things.

Then there must really be a Santa Claus.

And then, after I let the mailman out
the back door, the gas man came to check

my meter.

me this this isn't confession i just
wanted you to know that naughty and nice

can be the same thing just tell me what
you want for christmas

get off my life

this is the worst night

of my life

Smile there, punch.

know the words, you cannot sing along.

Now get.

He tries that every year.

Come on, Harry.

Lighten up. It's a party.

She's just an acquaintance from
Milwaukee.

A very distant acquaintance.

Gets lonely, Harry.

Oh, so damn lonely.

She's from Milwaukee.

Cannot believe that I am standing in
this courtroom on Christmas Eve with a

madman.

Did I say madman? No, no, no, no, no,
no.

I meant nice man. I meant good man.

You know, Mr. Fielding, maybe I am a
madman because I don't understand the

world anymore. I mean, where's the
compassion?

Where's the caring?

Everything's about taking.

And it's supposed to be about giving.

Fine. You want to give?

Give me the gun.

I don't think so.

Look, with faith's facts, Belachi,
things change.

You think Christmas is different? Hell,
man, the world is different.

That doesn't mean it's any worse, just
different. Can't you accept that?

No, I can't.

I had a feeling.

But you know something?

You win.

You're free to go.

I thought I'd take a stroll up to the
roof.

The roof?

Oh, you know, that's a long way up.

An even longer way down.

Oh, whoa, wait. I thought we had just
solved this.

We solved your problem, not mine.

You're right, Mr. Fielding. The world
has changed.

And since there's not much chance it'll
come back around my way, maybe I just

ought to take my leave of it.

Over a silly holiday?

It's not silly to me.

Wait, wait, wait, listen now.

You're not doing this just because of
what I said, huh?

I'm a prosecutor. It's my job to
persuade people.

I mean, I only said all that stuff to
get you to put the gun down.

You persuaded me, all right.

Hey, you know, yeah, and I can do it
again.

Come on, pal. I mean, you want Christmas
with peace, goodwill, all that

sentimental slop? Come here. I will show
you a room full of people so sugary

sweet with Christmas it will rot your
teeth. Come on.

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all
the way.

Oh, what fun.

it is to ride in a one-horse open
sleigh. Does this place not reek with

Christmas cheer?

Hey, hey, I hope you're my replacement
because I'm out of here.

This suit itches. I found a dead moth in
my beard and some overgrown teenager

almost ruptured my spleen.

Oh, Santa!

Um, forget him. Hey, you know how these
rookie Santas crack under pressure, huh?

Stop here.

Here is a lovely holiday scene.

A happy group of carolers being led by
their sweet bird of song.

Stop the music!

I have headed with this group. I've
heard better harmony from an alley cat

under a truck.

These divas are so temperamental, huh?

Oh, look there.

Our lovely working mother.

No doubt, phoning home to make sure
her...

Little baby boy is enjoying Christmas
Eve.

Well, you're damn right I'm mad. You
screwed up my entire gift order.

I don't care.

I don't care if it's Christmas Eve.
You're going to make this right, right

now, or I'm going to reach to this phone
and I'm going to rip your lungs out.

You're going to love this guy. He gave
up his Christmas Eve for a lonely

stranger. Come on, Harry.

They're only clothes.

I'm going to notice.

Keep your filthy hands off me, you
octopus.

What the hell happened? You had one sip
of eggnog.

What can I say?

I'm a cheap date.

Christmas. Bull, tell our friend about
your holiday plan.

I'm planning to kill my wife.

She's got us making 23 stops in 24
hours.

Why do families always screw up
Christmas?

What is wrong with you people?

When I left here a little while ago, the
Christmas cheer was so thick in here you

could choke a reindeer.

Now look at you.

What are you talking about, Dan?

I'm talking about the Norman Rockwell
world you guys live in.

I mean, you're supposed to be up and
sweet and nauseatingly cheerful.

The one time I need you like that,
you're not.

Instead, you let a couple of sour notes,
a mixed-up presence, a few changes in

your travel plans throw all your glad
tidings just totally out of whack.

What's it to you, Dan?

Everything. How the hell am I supposed
to save this guy's life and let... Oh,

man. Balaji!

Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Come on, hey.

Forget about those grinches.

Come on, the bail bondsmen are staging
the nutcracker on the third floor.

I gotta go, Mr. Fielding. No, come on.

Don't do that.

No, no, I'm going back to holding.

And don't worry.

I'm not gonna do anything stupid.

I found out Christmas might not be in as
dismal shape as I thought.

After what happened in the cafeteria?

Why?

Well, let me ask you.

When we were back in the courtroom and I
told you you were free to go,

why'd you stick around and argue with
me?

I don't know.

I do.

It's you.

You've got the spirit, Mr. Fielding.

Merry Christmas.

Mr. Bellacci, um...

Charges

dropped. Go home.

Happy New Year.

I think I'll call Mama and Daddy Bob and
wish them a Merry Christmas.

Maybe later.