Original subtitles

Mmm.

Mac, do you know that you're eating coagulated amino acids, polysaccharides,

and enough salt to embalm a pharaoh?

Wow.

All that for $2.39.

You're really taking this health food thing seriously, Rod.

Yep, and I feel great.

There's nothing like eating right to make a body feel good.

Especially if it's whipped cream off a glistening thigh.

You know, it wouldn't hurt you to give some thought to your eating habits, Dan.

Thank you, Doctor. I don't have any nutritional problems.

Really? Did you know that in men over 40, prolonged excessive caffeine intake

can cause impotence?

If you'll excuse me, I'm going to get some nutritious carrot juice.

Is there anything healthy I can get any of you?

Oh, no, thanks. I filled up on a lecture.

Well, here it is, your honor. Your suggestion box. Oh, great art. Thanks.

No disrespect intended, but why would you be stupid enough to care what people

think? Because the people deserve a voice, Dan. A forum for progressive and

meaningful dialogue.

Meaningful dialogue.

Install a glitter ball in the men's room.

Hey, if the ladies' room has one, then why can't we?

Well,

congratulations.

That double-dip cream-filled delight you just bought makes you our one million

dollar purchaser.

Now, how did that get on my plate?

Waiting for the next file, sir. All right, let's take five.

Dan.

Will, finished so soon? Well, I did everything you told me.

Brought your shoes in to be fixed, hand-washed your car, and picked up a

frame for Miss Fun Trucking 1992.

Note the alluring flesh-toned mat.

So, what's next?

Your face.

You shaved, didn't you?

Well, it was getting kind of itchy, so I just thought I'd... You thought?

You're not supposed to think. I am your brain. You are my mindless zombie.

Phil never shaved. He never wore suits. For God's sakes, man, you're color

-coordinated.

Look,

here is your new wardrobe.

Soylent with integrity.

Thanks, man.

That's... Boss!

Please, give me another chance. I promise to do the best job I can or die

trying.

Boss!

Well, at least the groveling's improved.

All right, yeah, here.

Go pick up my cleaning.

Uh, how will I pay for it? I spent my last dime having your two-way mirror re

-silvered. You don't feel a fit disposition?

He'd give blood.

Then I shall do the same.

There may be a bum in him yet.

Sir, there's going to be a slight delay.

A graffiti artist painted an escape tunnel down in Holding, and the next

three cases all have concussions.

Well, due to circumstances beyond our control, we've got to go to lunch.

Well, the fingers are long and slender. The nails are manicured.

They smell nice. No calluses. Very soft.

Harry?

Do you two go through this every time you say hello?

We usually skip the dip.

Wanda suffers from lumbago.

But tonight is a special occasion.

It's the six-month anniversary of our first date. And we wanted to start

celebrating where we first met.

In the cafeteria.

I rented a whole place for an hour. But before we go...

I brought you something special to wear.

My grandmother's eyelashes.

She left them to me.

They're beautiful, Bull. I'm going to go slip into these.

Till our rendezvous.

Kiss, kiss.

Isn't she wonderful?

Yeah, she's terrific, Bull.

I've never seen you so happy.

Wanda's the best thing that ever happened to me.

She's nice, she's cuddly, and best of all, she looks great in eyelashes.

Okay, people, I want this oil cap clear.

Now, please, move to your right.

Please move to your right.

Art. Yes, sir?

What is all that? It's your suggestion box.

Ever since I put it up, people are going nuts.

I haven't seen the whole of this crowd since co-ed Rollerblade Night.

I don't remember that.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry about that, sir, but it was by invitation only.

Oh, come on. Keep it moving here. What is this?

Let's go.

Mr.

Russell, have you got a minute?

I think you'll want to hear this.

On behalf of the 18th Floor Cafeteria and its parent company, Tri-State

Industrial Food and Chemical Products, Inc., I am very proud to present to you

This ticket for a trip around the world.

I want a trip around the world? Let me see that.

I don't believe it. It's a trip around the world.

deal. I did that last night with Angela.

Three jelly donuts a day for eight years and nothing to show for it but a root

canal.

Well, mission accomplished, boss.

Finally, we're making some progress.

So where's my cleaning?

Well, I told you I couldn't get the cleaning. I didn't have any money.

What about the money you got for selling the blood?

Sell it?

I thought you wanted me to donate it.

You could have gotten $15 a pint and said you got nothing?

Well, not nothing.

They gave me these.

You idiotic, stupid, boop cookies.

I'm sorry, boss.

I'll do anything to make it up to you.

There you go.

You go back and see how much blood they want for a dozen of these.

chocolate chip.

More Tang, honey?

Well, I shouldn't, but this is a special occasion.

It's from my private reserve.

It's a 1986.

Heart of jello.

I hate to cut it. It's so beautiful.

Well, this is the most wonderful anniversary I've ever had.

And it's not over yet, my sweet.

The night is young.

More presents.

I got one for you, too.

You open yours first.

Oh, honey, how did you know?

Wow!

to use your teeth.

You're so romantic.

Now open yours.

Okay. Oh, look.

Bunny slippers.

They represent the way you popped into my heart.

Thank you, darling.

And now, a poem I wrote special for you.

Wanda, Wanda, Wanda, Wanda.

To no one else do I respond to.

When she smiles, my heart's a-flutter.

Hair like gold and skin like butter.

From her side, I'll never wonder.

Won't even trade her for Jane Fonda.

You're the sweetest, kindest man I've ever known.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could spend the rest of our lives?

Together? It would be heaven.

Bull?

Yes, my darling, my love, my angel, my only.

Will you marry me?

No way.

It doesn't sound like Bull.

I'm not very good at voices.

You know, the best thing to do in times like this, get your mind off of things.

Do something nice for yourself. Go to a movie, read a book, sleep with another

man.

Tim, I don't want a man. I want Bull.

Maybe we should go talk to Bull and see if we can figure out what's going on.

Oh, would you?

Listen, don't worry. Everything's going to be just fine.

It's true.

Of course it's true. I'm sure Bull is headed back here right now.

Oh, no, not Bull. I meant your hands.

They are provocative.

Bull, Wanda's in the cafeteria and she's very upset.

What happened? I thought you loved her.

I do.

I just can't marry her. Not yet.

Still have some wild oats to sow, huh?

No, that's not on my list.

What is that?

The list of things I vowed to do before I get married.

Things that will make me a whole person.

I wrote it when I was 15, and it's been my Bible ever since.

This and Charlotte's Web.

Bull, you're going to risk giving up Wanda for a list you wrote when you were

a kid?

No, Christine.

There are certain things men want to achieve before they commit themselves. I

think it's perfectly reasonable that Bull set some goals of his own. Hold on,

let's see this list.

Number one, eat a pizza from the center out.

Forget what I said.

You're on your own.

Two, write a letter with squid ink.

Three, hear the sound of one hand clapping.

Four, call every Bull Shannon in the phone book.

That one was tough.

Every time I tried, the line was busy.

Bull, have you told Rhonda about this list?

I can't. She wouldn't understand.

Well, you can't expect to accomplish all these things.

I already have.

Except the last one.

Ten, perform a miracle.

What kind of miracle?

You know, your standard type.

Part the seas, raise the dead, nothing too flashy.

Bull, I think you've set unrealistic expectations to avoid commitment.

I mean, if performing a miracle were a prerequisite to marriage, Wanda would

have to marry Moses.

Great, I say no, and Wanda's ready to run off with some Old Testament prophet.

Harry, I think you should just start with the birds and the bees and work

your way up.

Harry, what should I do?

Well, even if you could perform a miracle, you can't expect Wanda to hang

around until it happens.

What you should do now is what's going to make you both happy now.

You're right, Harry.

I'm going to talk to her.

The sound of one hand clapping.

You have attractive hands.

Hey!

Somebody's been doing some shopping.

You said it, Mackie.

New luggage, new camera, and a foreign language dictionary so I can say move it

or lose it in seven different languages.

Roz, uh, about your trip.

Say your goodbyes now, because I just cleared three weeks leave.

Au revoir.

Arrivederci. Ciao. Oh, baby, I'm out of here.

Did you happen to read your ticket?

Of course I read it. Yeah? How about the fine print?

Mac, if you're going to tell me I'm not going around the world, you better say

it fast and then run for your life.

Oh, no, no, no, no. You're going around the world. It's just according to your

ticket. You have to do it one weekend at a time.

What? Yeah. This ticket is only valid on weekends.

So wherever you go Friday, you have to come back by Sunday and start all over

again the next week.

supposed to see the world 48 hours at a time.

Well, look at the bright side. You won't be gone long enough to get jet lag.

Ah, good news.

You got hit by a truck and we can sue for millions.

I got your cookies and your dry cleaning.

Oh, I guess that's okay.

Oh, make a mental note of that truck thing, though.

Hey, you got two whole boxes.

Yeah. Cost me seven pints of blood, and I'm feeling kind of woozy.

You'll live.

You might want to get a little sun, though.

Oh, uh, last but not least, change.

So we're 40 bucks here. I thought you said you were broke.

Well, on my way back from the blood mobile, I found a pawnbroker who was

paying $25 for gold fillings.

I sold him two molars.

Never liked crunchy food anyway.

Fielding. Here's the 50 bucks shown.

Oh, uh, there's most of it.

Most of it ain't good enough.

Oh, boss, I still got another incisor.

Ooh, a crown.

That's for double.

Come on, let's go find a pair of pliers.

Why, George, I think he's got it.

come back, didn't we?

I did.

Bull,

I've been doing some thinking, and if you're not ready to get married, we can

wait.

I can't.

Wanda, you better sit down.

Bull, what is it? What's wrong?

You're not dying, are you?

I wish it were that easy.

Wanda, I'm not Moses, and you can't wait 40 years.

Huh?

It may be hard to understand now, but in time you'll find another to fill the

abyss I must leave in the superior vina cava of your heart.

Huh?

Wanda, I cannot marry you, so I must do what's right and set you free to love

another.

Toodaloo, my lovely.

This is so exciting.

Look at all those suggestions.

Well, read away.

Okay.

Numero uno.

Judge Stone, wear more rings.

That's an odd comment. Yeah.

Judge Stone, cuff your shirt sleeve higher up so we get a better view of

your palms.

Judge Stone, never wear gloves.

Judge Stone, you should model watches. Harry, these are all about your hands.

That's not possible.

Riff.

Beautiful knuckles.

Great pinkies.

These are very sick people.

Oh, come on, Harry. You're not going to let a few compliments upset you?

It's not a compliment. That's an insult. I'm not just a pair of hands. I'm a

whole person.

Harry, lighten up.

If people are fixated on your hands, then, well, your hands are tied.

Get it? Hands are tied.

Oh, real funny.

Harry. Okay, all right, fine. I won't let it upset me. I will laugh

figuratively with you.

Way to handle it, sir.

Yeah,

I'll handle it all right.

Should have had Art build me a show instead of a stupid suggestion box.

So much for the voice of the people.

Your Honor, I just wanted to tell you I talked to Wanda and we straightened

everything out.

That's great, Bull. Congratulations.

For dumping her?

You dumped her?

How could you?

Well, Harry, I can't marry Wanda until I perform a miracle.

I couldn't ask her to wait, so...

I set her free.

Bull!

Sit down.

You know, Bull, you have already performed a miracle.

I have?

Yes. The miracle is Wanda.

Did you ever stop to think that if you two hadn't been in exactly the right

place at exactly the right time, you never would have met?

I never thought about it.

Well, it's true.

In this whole crazy world, you crossed paths.

And you knew in an instant that you were made for each other.

So you're saying the miracle is I met Wanda?

That's it.

You're responsible for miracles every day, Bull, including the miracle of the

love you created with someone else.

It's a big world full of miracles out there, guy.

When'd you get back?

Last night.

So how was Greece?

How should I know?

All I saw was the airport.

Took nine hours to get there.

Plus, there's seven hours ahead.

So after I spent two hours getting through customs, I only had time to grab

a feta burger at the airport and get back on the plane.

Oh, Roz, I'm sorry. You must be so disappointed.

Not really.

Finally got to see Dances with Wolves.

Four times on the plane.

Kevin Costner's got one hell of a butt.

One, two, three.

Ta-da.

It's official.

You're looking at the soon-to-be Mrs.

Wanda Shannon.

Wanda and Bull are going to get married.

That's great. Anybody see my armadillo?