Original subtitles

What can I say about Marsha?

She's a handful, a lot of work, a lot of fun, preposterous, presumptuous,

perfectly imperfect.

I don't know. To be honest, I'm not really sure how I got here or where is

here exactly.

Maybe I'll start where most good stories start.

So I was a little buzzed in Amsterdam and I think I said, Gosh, you girls

sound like you're having fun.

Oh my God, we're having so much fun. Don't mind her.

And one thing led to another and...

Can I see you tonight? I'm working. You know what? Do you mind coming down? I've

got to be on camera in 10 minutes. You work in TV?

That's great. I'm an entertainment lawyer.

I'm really not a bad guy.

Good. Okay, well, bye.

I hope to see you again.

But my plans, along with those of about 9 billion others, got a little

interrupted.

Yep, COVID.

So Marshall went to live in Hawaii.

I stayed in Amsterdam, and honestly, I thought it was over.

I found out later that she was still thinking about me and that she and her

sister were hatching up a plan.

What? Don't dial endangering me. I hate that.

I just want my own life back.

I just want Arnold.

All right, my head is going to freaking explode.

Call Arnold.

Invite him to Hawaii. If you don't, I'm going to board a plane, come out there

and slap you and fly home.

Really? You fly out here to see me?

Bye. They somehow convinced me to travel during the lockdown.

I like to think that I was wisely precautious.

Marsha didn't. I just got your text. I'm on the way to the airport.

Yeah, my flight got in early. I didn't want to stay in a public place.

So you're walking the road all by yourself?

Uh, yep.

No,

no. Great to see you, but six feet distancing.

You didn't fly this far to quarantine.

Well, those are the rules.

Nice hair.

But you did the COVID test.

Yeah, but I flew in a plane.

When did complicity become virtuous?

You're not wearing two masks, are you?

Yep.

Never even took them off to eat or drink.

But wait, that was like eight hours.

But I am pretty thirsty and hungry.

But I never had to use the airplane bathroom, though.

Have you come here to sit in a room for 14 days?

Hey, we'll make this work.

Now what's wrong?

I'm going to sit in the back for safety.

Well, I was there with her, but not actually with her. I even got to find

out a little bit about what she's been doing for the last 20 years or so. New

York City, it was the 1980s, and I was a lifestyle reporter.

Hi, we're here in New York to ask about love in America. We're finding out what

is the truth behind love. I guess she had a show.

Live from the Starlight Room, San Francisco's very own late night show

with Marsha Kimpins.

I want to hear that rock and roll!

There were a few shows.

Here we go!

Welcome to the Marsha, Marsha, Marsha show. A little insight into my life,

kind of reality, comedy, rock and roll. I'm not sure how I ended up on reality

TV, but I am. Or more specifically, a seemingly unending series of breakdowns,

tirades. And whatever this is.

I found with this stupid reality TV show. Cut, cut, cut.

You can't say that. This is reality TV. Yeah, but this is my reality. So why

can't I say the truth?

To understand her, I had a lot of catching up to do. Welcome to Late Night

on Planet M from Amsterdam.

But she made one thing abundantly clear.

Her dream was to get back to doing her very own late night show. Welcome to

Planet M.

I'm your host. The internet interview show, right?

Yes.

No, I want to hear you say it. Say that you know that Planet M is not a real

place and that it's a set that you do your internet talk show from.

Zach, of course I understand that.

Okay, let's take it from the top. Thanks, Zach. That's a great idea. Back

to the story at hand.

We were in Hawaii, Marsha, me, and a mask.

You know, let's just take a deep breath.

Do you smell the ocean?

I smell my breath.

Can you take off that mask?

It smells amazing.

God's grace. I mean, look at this.

But that vacation didn't last long.

I quickly realized that although we had gotten to know each other a lot in a

very little amount of time, that I wasn't ready to make a commitment and

that her life had a destiny of its own. This is beyond stunning.

Makes you want to move here, right? Yeah, it is beautiful.

I don't know. I feel bad saying that I miss seeing people.

I miss my show.

I wonder, are we ever going to travel again?

Are we ever going to see a Broadway show?

Are we ever going to go to the movie theater?

Hey, this too shall pass.

In the meantime, how about I make you some breakfast?

Brighten you up.

Okay.

Hi,

Martin. Marsha, how are you? Ready to get back to work.

That's exactly what I wanted to hear. Listen, I have an idea for a spin-off of

a Amsterdam show.

It's called An American Abroad.

How do you feel about being hired to travel the world?

I say that's pure joy.

So she went off and did her show while I kept being a lawyer and trying to forget

about her.

Spoiler, I couldn't.

Oh, and this is her other house in Aspen and her best friend, Jen.

And a big mess that she made.

Oh, my God.

How am I going to get this done?

There'll be plenty of those.

Hey, you.

You ready to travel the world? I'm ready to travel the world, but I'm not ready

to get that flight.

Let's take a walk, okay?

I'm going to be on that plane for 15 hours.

You didn't mention anything.

You look amazing.

I lost the pandemic tent.

Arnold's not coming on the trip.

What?

A free trip around the world with you? This guy's got a problem, Marcia. You

better dump him and then just give me his number.

No, he's scared like everybody is to travel. I just hope he awakens to it.

I know.

You can't change a man.

So she set off on her new show, An American Abroad.

Her first stop was Cappadocia, Turkey.

We're at Love Valley in Cappadocia, Turkey.

It's pretty cool. You know why? Because everybody gets married here.

They come here if they're in love. She had work to do, but I like to think I

was still in her thoughts. You look around, the rocks really make you think

about one thing.

Oh, my God. Hey, are you a tourist? Are you guys on a honeymoon?

No. Are you in love?

Yes. Okay.

Well, you're in the right place. We're with a real Cappadocian. As I

understand, you were born in a cave and you live in a cave.

Of course. I can't believe these caves are 2,000 to 4,000 years old.

Of course, yes. We are the cavemen.

We got a real live caveman. Did you guys hear that? How are you? You look really

interesting. I want to tell you I love you, and you look like you're very, very

smart. You're not just a camel. You don't smoke cigarettes, right?

I'm Marcia Kempton here in Love Valley, Cappadocia, Turkey.

Did we get it?

Yep, that's it. Okay.

Moving on, right? Yeah. No, I want to take a picture for Arnold.

I can take a picture of you.

Yeah, totally.

I'm a camera guy. That's what I do.

I got a brilliant idea. You gotta pose like this.

You're a plane, and you're flying around this whole place. Trust me. You gotta

have your mouth open.

Yeah!

Come on, Marsha. Keep it classy.

Nevertheless, she kept on her adventure and even found some new ways to keep her

spirits high.

I'm gonna live, right?

Oh my God, oh my God, I just got a phone call. Is that okay?

Of course, okay.

Take your call. It's the guy I really like. I never talk on a balloon in

Cappadocia. Okay, hold on.

Arnold? Hey, what's going on?

Oh my God, I'm on a balloon in Cappadocia.

Okay, I'm sorry, you can't hear me. I'm on a balloon in Cappadocia.

It's a lot of fire in a balloon. We've gone up to about 1,000 feet right now. I

would say I'm 10 feet. I got 100 balloons behind me. Can you believe

that? So cool.

Arnold, can I call you later? I mean, I'm working.

Can you believe I'm working? Can you believe this is my job, Arnold?

I love it. But hey, I've been thinking maybe I should come.

What? Did you just say you want to come?

Okay, nobody jumps out of a balloon when they find out something really exciting

is happening in their life.

Arnold, you're here.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. You boarded the plane.

You got the turkey.

You're an adventuresome guy.

I'm just so excited you're here.

Yeah, I know. I got your text.

What text?

You trying to tell me something?

Thank God that was the cameraman. He's such a jokester.

So, I got to help her make her show. We had a ton of fun.

And I even got to go on another balloon ride with her. This time, in person.

Then the quirks came out.

I found out later that she was more than a little self-conscious about our age

difference. It didn't bother me, but along the way she was trying to cope in

her own Marta sort of way.

Apparently she bought some magical hair-thickening claw device that she

became convinced needed to be applied somewhere around every ten minutes. What

are you looking at?

Just looking at you.

I'll be right back, okay?

Food jam?

Cheers. Cheers.

Bon appetit.

Oh, Amory, I love your hotel. It's so great.

Do you need any help? No.

Oh, my God. What happened?

Oh, my God.

Oh.

If this feels like a bit much, just imagine how I felt sitting there that

night. I'd love to pretend this was the last time she obsessed about something I

just didn't understand.

But then that would be a lie.

Looking good.

Oh, thank you.

What have you been doing in the bathroom?

Don't worry about it.

And that was a wrap for Cappadocia.

After that, we took a quick flight to Istanbul.

I was thrilled to be traveling with Marsh on this trip, but I wasn't used to

so much travel.

Jet lag is real. Oh, man, this place is incredible.

You don't seem that excited.

Gosh, travel takes a lot out of you. Okay, well, I have a solution for that.

Okay, crew, we're taking a brief second.

to stop, to do our pick-me-up. You ready?

Let's do it!

What is happening?

You need to join. Come on.

So after you take a boat ride, you come to Sufil Ahmed, you go to a great

restaurant, there's one thing missing left in Istanbul that you have to do.

You gotta get the baklava!

It's amazing!

Hi. Hi.

How are you doing? Do you want to talk to me?

I guess you don't speak English. Okay, sorry. So what's your favorite thing

about Turkey?

History, everything.

The culture, the food.

Absolutely, yeah. Any tourists over there want to come over for my reality

show to try to get travel going?

Don't all jump up and roam over.

Is that your wife? No, that's my wife right over there. Okay, come on on.

Sure. Come on, my wife. Another beautiful place. And the food?

Oh, my gosh.

Come up.

Kebab. Kebab.

Everybody's having a kebab.

Kebab here. Kebab here. Kebab here. I finally had enough kebabs. I think I'm

over the kebab. But you know what I'm not over? It's the baklava. I love the

baklava. Pretty special. It's exotic.

It's erotic. The food's great. The people are wonderful.

You feel so safe. Is there anything? There's nothing I could say wrong about

Turkey. What made you feel so excited to get on a plane and come to beautiful

Turkey? This is actually my first time, and I have to say it's just mesmerizing

to realize the history that comes out of this country.

Yeah. It's amazing. And the people are so kind. People are really kind. You

feel so safe.

Absolutely. You got it. You got it. You got it. Oh, my God.

It's fun to watch. You're really funny. Thank you.

I got you a little something.

No.

What? You said you liked it. I love baklava.

I need to get rid of it. Will you hide it, please?

I can see it over there.

Just go away and eat it, please.

I already have some.

Just eat it.

Thank you.

If I even have one, then I end up having ten.

Okay? It's not good. You know what? You need to take notes about all my

problems. I'm serious.

Take out a phone. I mean, I've got some issues.

Yeah, I was just joking.

Starving now that you brought that baklava. Let's go eat.

The whirling dervishes were founded in the 13th century by the Mevlevi Sufi

order. Whirling is a learned skill that is promising eternal life and a way to

get closer to God. During the Ottoman Empire, the dervishes had the greatest

influence on the social, political, and economic infrastructure.

Hmm, what is that?

These are my stetzer filters that kind of help get rid of the dirty

electricity. Then I've got to make, we don't want the phone near the bed, so I

have an alarm here, so we don't have to use the phone.

Oh, and this, this helps me make decisions.

It goes back and forth, let's just see.

Should we go to Greece?

Should we go to Greece?

So that's yes.

Well, don't we have to for the show? I mean, oh my God, do you see how it's

going in a circle? It's not sure if we should go to Greece.

Oh my God!

Oh, my God, I can't even deal. We have to go to Greece. Okay, let me show you

what else I have.

Just in case you want to catch up on what I'm doing, 99 tips on EMF. And then

I have a candle.

It's only beeswax because you don't want chemicals. Didn't realize you were so

into this stuff.

Okay, this onyx pyramid ends up absorbing all the EMF. Okay. How does

that work? Well, just all the electricity and the Wi-Fi goes in there.

There's more?

Yeah. The final thing is this.

So this, you can actually stand on it. If you don't want any EMS, you can walk

around the city and make sure it protects you.

But I put it underneath my pillow every night.

It just protects you? Yeah, and then this takes the, it's a thousand-year-old

cedar. It takes away all the nanoparticles.

They cut down a thousand-year-old tree to make that stuff?

Yeah. How come you never busted all this stuff out in Lanai or Cappadocia?

Because you'd think I was strange.

And I got you one of these. It's a tinfoil hat.

Just in case none of this works, I wear this to that.

Are you serious?

You can join me.

You don't want to have electricity in your body or Wi-Fi. It's not healthy. It

causes cancer.

I think I'll be okay with everything else that you got set up here. You think

this is sexy?

Not really.

I guess I'll sleep with you anyways.

I'll take.

Yeah, I'm glad you didn't do that before. That would have been really

creepy.

You like me.

Sorry.

Just finished.

Got to get some work done while I'm here.

Look at the sunrise.

Gosh. Beautiful.

Coffee? Would you like some?

When you're in Turkey, you've got to try the coffee.

You know what else you have to try?

Psychics that read the grounds of the coffee. I'm going to arrange it for the

show. No.

Why not?

Because we came to learn about history and culture, not fantasy.

It's all a part of the history.

I'm having a guide set it up.

All right. Great.

I had no idea what I was getting into being with someone who was on TV.

Hi, Verna. I heard you're one of the greatest psychics in Istanbul.

Just one of them.

Okay, well, I've been to 100 psychics, but I've never had any kind of reading

where it's coffee.

I'm going to get set up. Okay.

100 psychics?

Yeah. Do you have a problem with psychics? I dated a girl years ago.

She saw a psychic, and then we mysteriously broke up. Nothing's going

to happen to us. Don't worry about that. I've got to do the TV segment.

Set, and action. I'm so excited.

This is the ancient tradition of tatiography.

And as you drink the coffee, you have to try and get in the right frame of mind

for fortune telling.

You're going to drink the coffee.

And as you drink it, the fine ground sediments are going to fall to the

bottom of the cup.

Okay, I'm going to turn the cup over, and you're going to turn it around your

head three times.

Oh, other way.

Okay.

You're a global traveler, and this TV show is going to be a huge hit.

Great. Put your finger in.

That's it.

What's your question?

Am I going to marry Arnold?

Yes.

Okay, okay, enough of this.

I don't want... Sorry.

I don't like it. I get that you want this for your segment, but I don't want

any part of my life on TV.

Not a problem.

Um, we're gonna get a new coffee. This one's got a blemish.

Because only unblemished coffee can predict marriages.

Arnold, you're insulting ancient tradition.

I don't want anyone predicting if I'm going to marry or not, or... Okay, we'll

talk about this later. I'm not ready to propose.

Marsha, are we ready to move on?

Yes. So, you're going to need to drink the second coffee so that

I can do a new reading. Turn it over and you will turn it around your head three

times again.

I don't know what you see in there. I have to say.

It says you're going to get married very soon.

Actually, you're going to have two marriage proposals.

What? Mm-hmm.

And one is a Libra, and the other is a Pisces.

A Pisces?

Mm-hmm.

I'm sorry.

I can't believe you asked if we were going to get married.

You know, I just did it to make the TV good. You know, it's good TV.

Yeah, but with everyone there and all the cameras running... I'm used to being

on TV, and I know you're not. So I shouldn't have done that. Thank you.

Random subject. No particular reason.

What's your birthday?

March 14th. What?

You're a Pisces.

I don't see astrology as a science, but enlighten me. What's your sign?

I have to go.

Jacob! Dad!

Call me!

Should I date a Pisces or should I not? No, let's see.

Should I date a Pisces?

Yes. Oh, my God. Okay, that's okay.

Oh, my God. It's changing.

It's changing.

It's about time.

What's up? It's 4 a.m. He wants to know my sign, Kat.

So? He doesn't know I'm on the cusp.

You're calling me to process you're a cusp baby.

I just read that the cusp dates changed.

And the psychic said I was going to marry a Libra or a Pisces.

Tell him I'm sure Arnold's not going to care that you're on the cusp. Yeah, that

makes it worse. I thought you were my sister and would understand my

struggles. Just tell him. I'm sure he'll be fine with it. But if I'm a Capricorn,

as every recent chart says, I don't get along with Pisces. Just give him a

chance and let me sleep.

These relationships always end, Kat.

When you know something's going to end, you start looking for the signs.

Well, you'll know by the end of your trip. Just take a breath, tell him, and

you'll feel better.

What's going on? You're gone a long time.

I have to tell you something.

What happened? What's wrong?

I'm a cuss baby.

What's that?

I feel so much better now that I got that off my chest.

Got what?

I don't know. I'm a cuss baby. So I'm either six hours into Capricorn, but

they changed the calendar on me. And now I could be a Sagittarius and the whole

thing won't work. So I need to be a Capricorn and not a Sagittarius for this

to work.

So the cusp is where the astrological side changes. Yeah, and they've changed

the calendar recently.

Well, just be whatever you want to be. It's not that simple. I believe in

astrology. I've been studying it for years.

Decide that you're a Sagittarius. They can't decide either, so... But the

psychic said I was going to get two marriage proposals.

One from a Pisces and one from a Libra. Okay, first the psychic tells you that

we're going to get married.

And now you're telling me that we can't stay together because of...

astrological incompatibility.

I really like you, Arnold.

I think you should start looking for a Libra.

I'm just going to go take a walk.

Hey, man. Where's Marsha?

There's so many eccentricities, Alan.

Yeah, she's pretty crazy.

Kind of what makes her awesome.

I don't know if I can handle it.

Yeah, you just gotta ask yourself, do I want a boring life or an exciting one,

you know?

That's how I get through.

I thought about it all and kind of came to a conclusion.

If being fake in a relationship is bad, then being genuine is good. And it was

up to me to realize that for all her quirks, Marsha was being very genuine

with me. And it's hard to fault her for that.

You ready for bed?

Yeah.

Thanks for joining me.

The trip was progressing at a rapid pace, so I started a journal in order to

always be able to remember how it felt in the moment. And before I knew it, we

were off to Hydra, Greece, a small and captivating island just outside of

Athens. Hi, I'm Marcia Kimpton in Hydra, Greece, named after the sea-dwelling,

mythological monster, Hydra. In the 15th century, everybody had to leave the

island because the pirates took over. But now it's the hot spot for the rich

and famous.

And the only way to get here is by boat, and the only way to get around is by

donkey. So let's check out heaven on earth.

Petros! Marcia, welcome.

Good to see you.

So long. I'm so glad we can finally come to Hydra. This is Arnold.

Hi, Arnold. How are you doing? He's practically the mayor and has such great

hotels. Thank you so much.

Hold up, hold up. Did I mention that Marcia likes wine, like, a lot?

Is it possible that I've been telling this story for like half an hour and

that hasn't even come up yet?

Wow, this is beautiful.

Wow. When I first came to Hydra at 21, I did not stay in a room this nice.

Oh, no.

Is that bad wine?

It's my favorite wine. How could Petros do this to me?

Terrible. Yeah, I can't stop drinking it.

I'm happy to help make some disappear.

There's more in the minibar. Those bottles are smaller. That's not a

problem. No, that means there's unlimited wine in this hotel. Why did

Petros change the wine list?

Don't buy it.

Easy for you to say. You live moderately. I don't.

I can't believe it. On top of it all, it's even cheaper than home. Half the

price. This just gets worse and worse. Back home in America, I spend $90 on

this bottle, so therefore I can only have it twice a week because it's so

expensive. So it's 45 here times 2 times 52 weeks.

I've been spending $4,680 more.

Can you imagine what I could do with that money?

Buy more wine? Probably.

You want to be on camera. Hello. Are you Greek?

Yes, I'm from here.

So tell me what's special about Hydra. Special, I think, is the view. You know,

it's a very traditional island.

The mayor!

The mayor!

The mayor is here. Oh, my God.

As you can see, it's a car-free island. There are no motorbikes.

And it's a traditional island. As it was back in the 19th century, it's exactly

the same. We feel so wonderful and healthy here. Here come some tourists.

You're American.

Yes. This is called the American Abroad.

Travel TV series, we call it a day. Please grab a shot.

Thank you, God, for this amazing group. We are traveling the world doing this

amazing reality show to unite the world, all religions, all cultures.

I feel so blessed to be with this brilliant group. I want to make sure

we're safe, we're healthy, all our families are healthy.

And my God, look at Hedra. What a blessing it is to be here today. There

we go.

That's prayer yet.

We should do prayers like that again.

Okay. With the shot?

Yeah. Okay, thank you. And I get 50% off if I become a minister.

You? Yeah, when I buy my wine. Yeah, I saw it with the Greek minister.

He was getting his wine off, so I thought, you know what? When I get home,

the wine's not going to be the same price anymore, so why not apply? It's so

easy. You just buy online. You become a minister overnight.

Silly me. I thought she was joking.

Hey, come on. What are you doing?

I'm becoming a minister.

On your phone?

Yeah, it is so simple. You just fill out the form, pay it, and I didn't have any

time before the service.

That wasn't a service. That was your normal prayer with wine.

No, because we added the wine, it was a service.

Adding wine to your prayer doesn't make it a service.

No, if you were a minister, you'd understand.

You're not a minister.

Right now I am.

Congratulations, you are now a minister.

I stand corrected.

Hi, I'm Marcia Kimpton for the American Abroad Travel TV series, and I'm here in

Hydra, Greece.

Isn't this absolutely spectacular?

Well, guess what? This is where Jackie Owen in the 70s and Leonard Cohen made

many of his brilliant songs. It's one of those places that are so special because

there are...

No cars. You have to take a donkey ride.

So come to Hydra. Great.

That was wonderful. I'm not sure about the ending there. No, that was nice.

Okay. Well, I've been thinking about what you said.

And maybe it was a little bit unethical to become a minister.

Now I'm thinking that if I just take all my wine purchases and apply it towards

hiding, then I'm okay, right?

That's fine.

Guys, this has been a long day, okay?

I'm ready to dive in this ocean.

What are you doing?

They don't have my favorite wine.

You could have just went somewhere else. You've got to be kidding. Look at this

view. It's beautiful.

And you can't enjoy it without your...

Bag of wine. It wouldn't be the perfect moment.

I think it's pretty darn perfect.

Yeah, but it wouldn't be perfect if I didn't have the perfect wine.

I guess you can't understand because you're so content.

It's not a competition.

I'm not trying to say it's a competition. I'm just trying to explain

to you why I need the perfect wine.

Cheers. No.

I'm so sorry. Did you not want any more wine? No, no, no. It's just that I'm

trying to...

Peace myself.

Thank you. So sorry.

I'll get a towel.

You had to pull your glass away. You're going to ruin my perfect wine.

Just drink the Greek.

It's not that bad.

It's not that easy, okay? You don't know anything about wine.

I don't like doing this. It's exciting.

It makes you feel like you're a rebel.

I am not.

That's true. Can you please just don't embarrass me and get caught?

I've done this so many times, it's like I'm an expert.

Kind of like a professional.

Professional wine smuggler.

Thank you. You were really quick.

Thank you.

It's not like we're not paying for the grape wine.

He's watching us.

He's a waiter. That's his job.

No. He knows what we're doing. He's buying them.

I'll pour you some of yours out.

No, I want to drink it.

No, but he's going to figure out the wine bottle's not going down. Stop

adding ice to yours, and then he won't notice that your glass is actually going

up. I don't like it warm. It won't be a perfect moment anymore. You own this

one. This is on you.

Hey, what are you doing?

You told me to own it. I do this all the time.

Stop doing that. I'll drink it.

Here.

Faster. Faster.

Are you all right, sir?

Yeah. It's really good wine.

Can't stop drinking it. I noticed your wine glass never goes down. Are you

unhappy with your selection?

Oh, no.

No, it's great. It's just, um, it's ice.

You know, it's melty.

Yep.

That's what ice does.

Okay.

Let me know if you need anything.

Thank you.

So now we've resorted to wine.

It's a white lie.

White wine, real life. I'm trying not to hurt him. I mean, Greek wine is not as

good as French wine.

I need a little bit more.

I

can't

do this right now.

What are you doing?

I'm going to get a cup of coffee.

The ferry leaves in five minutes.

I know, but I don't do lines. They make me really anxious.

Don't do lines?

You're the guy from last night.

A cup of coffee with cream, please.

Marsha, we have to get the ferry.

I don't do lines. I haven't done them in 20 years.

Are you serious?

Yeah, dead on. I have never heard of this.

Well, have you met anybody like me?

No, never.

It's just my thing.

I mean, it's like you look for other people's socks underneath hotel

bedrooms. I don't do lines. I wasn't looking for... Okay, those are two

completely different things. We're going to miss the ferret. No, you can just go

stand over there at the line, and I'll meet you in a minute.

Nope. They're starting to board.

Look, come on, just skip the coffee.

There's still a line. I can't do it. Yes, you can.

No, I'm going to break my 20-year streak.

It's bad luck.

Nothing is going to happen if you break your streak.

It'll be fine. I've survived this long.

Post office, grocery stores, DMV. How do you do anything?

It did make it difficult living in New York City. I'd see the line, walk in,

walk out. So I actually had to hire someone.

Who does that?

People do.

Oh, gosh, great. Thank you.

Can you get the bill, please? We've got to go. No, we don't have time for this.

Just leave cash on the table. Do you have cash?

I don't. And there's still a line.

Four people is the line? Yeah.

It's a matter of perception.

Look, they're all on now. We're going to... Here we go. We don't have time for

that. Can you please hurry? The entire country is slow-paced. What can I say?

Not the ferry.

Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

That was not my intention. I didn't try to miss the ferry. I just don't do

lines. I hope the coffee's really good.

Let's see if Petros can get us another room, okay?

That was a long night. I was obviously frustrated.

I'm a guy that likes to have a plan and execute it. But Marsha has a way of

redeeming herself.

And it's usually because she's generous and spontaneous.

We are not missing the ferry again, Marsha. I've got this completely solved.

Hey, crew, follow me. Please, just follow me.

Welcome to the Joker.

You rented a yacht.

Yeah.

How did you afford this?

I wiped out my savings.

Why would you do that?

Because the crew has been working so hard, and they all had to be crammed

into one room last night. Plus, there's no lines at the Joker.

So you wiped out your savings for your crew, and so you wouldn't have to stand

in line.

Exactly. I didn't want to break a 20-year streak.

Okay, come on.

So excited!

Hey. Upgrade, huh?

Going for the expensive stuff.

My favorite wine didn't make it.

Going to be able to handle it?

Yeah.

Because it's truly perfect.

Wow.

Across the sea and over the waves, her show took us to another island paradise.

I tried to get in my remote work when I could, but who would want to work in a

place like this? We are here in Patmos, Greece, where St.

John wrote the Book of Revelations right here on this island, one of the most

spiritual places on planet Earth. And everyone knows the beaches in Greece are

amazing, especially in Patmos. From the monastery to the town below me, Skala.

This is the jewel of the Aegean. Come along for the ride of a lifetime.

I'm Marcia Kimpton for American Abroad.

Now we're going to take a nap.

That was great. We got it.

You need some sleep.

That's what they say, eight hours a day.

That's important. Lack of sleep can lead to health troubles. That's a problem.

Society keeps on saying that I need eight hours of sleep, and that stresses

me out. Sleep stresses you out.

Yeah.

I just wish I had narcolepsy.

I don't think you do.

Yes, I do.

Oh, God, I'm tired.

Narcolepsy?

All right, Marcia, ready to go?

No. Oh, what's wrong?

Look at my hair.

What's wrong with it? What's wrong with it? I went to a great hairstylist, and

she made my hair my age.

I don't even know your age.

You're never going to know my age.

But now I have to act my age.

Have you ever seen my hair like this?

Looks like the 80s. Oh, great!

Hi, I'm Marcia Kimpton for American Abroad, and I'm right in the center town

square of Scala in Patmos, and we're interviewing all these tourists from all

around the world, and we finally found some great people, so they're willing to

go on camera with us. Tell me what you think is so special about this island.

Marvelous. It's amazing.

It's a unique island in the idea.

You know about the history of St. John here?

Not much. Okay, so St. John came here. He was completely exiled for following

Christ. And he ended up alchemizing the island. It really, really, you feel

stoned. All the time. Do you feel stoned?

Not really. How about no hangovers? I don't get any hangovers on this island.

Have you gotten a hangover? Not really.

Oh, good. Have you drank?

Yes. Okay.

And you've been to the cave, right? The cave? No, I haven't. He hasn't been to

the cave!

He hasn't been to the cave! I've been to the cave so many times, I will never go

into a cave again. My boyfriend, Arnold, I told him I'm done with caves. I mean,

caves could fall in in five seconds.

Do you feel how kind of special it is about St. John at all?

Do you feel like it is? It feels really special, doesn't it?

American abroad!

And that's what they are, Americans abroad.

History, baggage, past relationships, we've all got our share. Some people

just have a little extra.

I never told you about the guy that I dated who hunted Burmese pythons? No,

you never mentioned him. Is his top the Bigfoot researcher?

I didn't date him. It was more of a liaison.

Couldn't see myself spending time looking for squash on the weekend.

His dream was to find Bigfoot. Can't stop on the weekend.

It's called balance.

You ought to look into it.

I dated a flat earther. He set the bar pretty low.

Not in great company.

Slim pickings out there.

If a guy believes the earth is flat, that should be a deal breaker.

Have you ever seen a flat earth man?

I only own globes.

There's even a flat earth society with over a million views.

They explain what they pretend is a secret.

If the earth was flat, it would just be lined with cats pushing stuff off just

to watch it fall.

Look it up. See what you think.

This is Arnold, and I had to bring him to my favorite restaurant in Patmos.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too. Do you have a table? Of course. Follow me, please.

Thank you very much. Oh, that's how

I saw.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

For what?

We passed the mark.

What mark?

The mark when you can eat like a slob in front of your boyfriend.

Okay?

Except for the time when I was with Jim Tanner and I ate three hamburgers just

to spite him. Who was Jim Tanner?

He was my college boyfriend.

I mean, for five years, he was a vegan.

He tried to change me. He was one of those guys.

Sure hope I don't become one of those guys.

No, you're great. You can't be one of those guys.

What are you doing?

That's my metal detector.

What? I just upgraded to a digital one.

No more false signals.

I can spend an entire day on the beach getting false signals.

You didn't bring that out in Hydra.

No good beaches there.

God, I've got to call my sister.

What do you want now?

Cat. Why are you answering the call?

You're not supposed to have a phone next to bed. You're charging your head with

all those microwaves. Did you wake me up to tell me not to answer my phone? I

expected it to go to voicemail. Well, I'm awake now.

What's up?

He's one of those guys.

Arnold? Yeah, Arnold. Who else would I be talking about?

We have a long list of one of those guys.

What did he do that's so annoying?

It's 11-inch coil. Metal detector.

Whatever that's supposed to be.

scans the beach looking for things that aren't there.

You gotta be kidding me. I'm dead serious.

He's beeping on the beach right now in front of everybody.

Yeah, I'm ruining everybody's beach experience.

Well, tell him to turn the sound off. He says that takes away his joy.

He brought it all the way from America.

Oh my God.

I'm watching this gorgeous man look for junk on the beach.

That might be a deal breaker.

He can't be my soulmate. My soulmate would never do this.

Does this mean you're breaking up?

Over a... metal detector. I just have to accept that this is his thing.

No, Marsha, remember what we said. Whenever one of us is dating one of

those guys, it's goodbye, sayonara, bon voyage, dag.

Dag? Yeah, Dutch for goodbye.

Okay, I just have to make an exception with the one of those guys list.

Marsha, this is going to drive you up the wall. I say bail now when it's easy.

You've only been dating two months post-pandemic. I found one of those guys

willing to travel the world.

He has a flexible job.

He listens to me, unlike most men. He's funny, and he thinks I'm funny.

So, no doubt.

Then why are you calling me if you already made up your mind? I made up my

mind right now, talking to you.

I'm sticking with him.

But the beeping?

I don't know. Buy him some headphones. At least everybody on the beach won't

have to hear. Thank you.

As far as so. Thank you, Val. Muchas gracias.

Merci. You're not the only linguist in the family.

All right. Bye.

Find anything?

Find a rock.

I guess that'd work what?

For you, it's free.

The beautiful lady, the rock is free.

Charming man.

close to this monastery or st john's cave and i just i'm buzzed naturally i

guess there's no need for you to drink tonight then oh true but i've got to

take you to george's bar it's just he has the best drink he's an alchemist

kind of like a mixologist in america alchemist is a much much cooler word

wait you didn't date this guy did you oh good then we

can go

Oh, George!

This is Arnold.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, George. Or should I call you the alchemist? The alchemist. I

like that, but I'll never tell my secret.

Let's go.

You know, we had some really good conversation.

Glenn, we're not talking about your actor.

I hope my quirks don't get in the way of that.

Quirks are light shining out.

Don't hold them back.

Maybe that's why I like you.

Your quirks are nearly blinding. I don't have any quirks.

You are high.

Island hopping in Greece was spectacular, but Marcia told me winery

hopping in France was unbelievable, and I knew now never to get between Marcia

and her wine of choice.

Hi, I'm Marcia Kempton for the American Abroad TV series, and we're in the world

-famous Borgogna, France, in front of the Chateau Claude de Vaudon. And here

at Chateau de Moselle, they have the... finest wine tour but they also are part

of the wine auction and that ticket is the most difficult ticket to get in town

and here in the historic third century town of bone you'll have one of the best

meals of your life i'm ready to go and eat are you

all

right pause so what have we covered so far Marsha's worried about her hair

thinning. She thinks coffee grinds and stars can predict marriage.

EMFs seem to be a big concern.

She's addicted to very specific wines and addicted to staying out of line.

She has a long history of dating weird dudes, and perhaps the most

understandable, relatable, and remarkable thing of all, she's

particularly stressed about growing older.

I can relate.

And what does DBYHB mean?

We'll get to that later.

Haven't thought about it until you texted me.

Not freaking out.

Oh, God.

Thank you.

Now I'm freaking out.

Hi, I'm here at the hospice, the hospital from 1443, trying to get some

tourists. Here we go. Hey, how are you today?

Not today. Not today? Oh, damn.

Hey. You know, the French don't have the same sense of humor as me. Why are you

here in Beaune right now? To drink, like me?

Yeah.

The best wine in the world.

Where are you from?

Oh, you're from here.

I love your language. I feel like it's poetry.

Oh, you guys look like you would love to be on camera, right? Where are you from?

Well,

you don't have a very French accent.

Because I'm an English teacher.

That's great. Well, I love your country. And you know what I love most? The wine.

What's your favorite here?

I think it's the one from Bordeaux, because we are living close to... Did

you hear that?

Take that cock.

You can't... Bordeaux? It's not here. This is Borgogna. I think that's a wrap.

We got a friendly French person.

We don't have to do anything else, right?

All right, everything's loaded up, right? What the frick?

Dude, load up the sandbags, you guys.

This is taking way too long.

You guys ready for wine country?

Another day of drinking, another day of fun. In that order. Another day of

getting old.

This place is incredible.

So bright.

Rebelling against the sun today? It doesn't help how I look on camera.

I think you look great.

What? You were going to say for my age, right?

I wasn't.

Marsha, we need you on camera.

Good luck.

Burgundy, France, take one. Mark. Okay, one, two, three. Hi, I'm Marsha Kempton

for the American Abroad TV series, and we're in the world-class Burgonia.

Or, as the ignorant Americans say, Burgundy!

Pause. You can't say that.

What? I shouldn't call Americans ignorant. You know we are. No, you

shouldn't. But why do we say Burgundy?

I don't know, Marsha. I guess I should find that out before I call Americans

stupid. But there are a lot.

There are stupid people everywhere, Marsha. You think I should say Burgonia

is like Napa Valley in California?

Sure. Maybe I shouldn't, because it's like Burgundy. No, Burgonia. See, I just

did the American thing. Well, you are an American, and this is the American

abroad, so I think it's fine. No.

I can't compare Napa Valley, California, to the finest wine in the world. French

think their wine's the finest. Others think theirs is the finest. I don't

know. But I'm in France. I should be talking about the wine I'm standing in

front of.

Yeah. But you've got to tell me, why do we call it Chardonnay? I mean, the

French name it after the region or the terroir, but we name it after the grape.

Honestly, I don't know, Marcia. Guys, can we take a break? I need some wine to

calm myself down.

It's a little early for wine.

Marsha, bickering with her cameraman, honestly turned into one of the most

entertaining parts of the trip. But in this case, I had a feeling there was

something more important hiding under the ramp.

Something, well, you'll see.

Hey, why are you stopping? I bought this phone at the local mobile company and it

doesn't work.

What's the problem?

I can't bypass this no texting and driving slogan.

I'm riding a bike!

Don't think it can hear you.

Yeah, and they call these smartphones.

My God.

Here, I'll get it. Oh, I've got it. You think I'm too old to operate a phone?

So it wants me to sign this pledge so I won't text and drive. I mean, what idiot

came up with this idea? Like that's going to stop me from doing it even if I

know it's wrong?

I'll do it.

You deal with it.

Yeah, I fixed it. Now you can drive and text, ride and text, whatever, without

being alerted. Oh, thank you.

Have fun crashing.

Wait, are you saying I'm old and that's the reason I'm gonna crash?

Saying you're gonna crash because you're texting.

No, I'm not crashing, okay?

Watch me!

Heads up, car's coming.

That's okay.

God, maybe you're right. Dammit, oh shit!

You alright?

Okay, you're right. It's dangerous riding and texting.

But you can't tell me you've never done it before.

I don't. What do you do when you get a text while you're driving? I don't. I

have my phone set up so I don't receive texts when I'm driving. I can set your

phone up too.

No way. I'm not signing the pledge and there's no way in hell I'm doing that. I

care about you. I don't want you to do it. When someone starts texting and

calling me and I don't want to respond, it's just easier to text, even though I

know it's not right.

You just respond when you're done driving.

You make it sound so simple. It is.

Let's go to lunch.

Bonjour, d'accord?

Why don't they make a pledge that says no drinking before five? Let's see how

that goes.

Okay, I created the pledge.

What?

Listen, I'm the idiot who created the pledge campaign, and I was really proud

of it. Why didn't you tell me earlier?

I wanted an honest reaction.

And I got one. Oh, no. I mean, that was just me.

You know, I like doing the opposite thing.

A lot of people do. You should have read all the comments we got.

I'm so sorry.

But I thought you were a lawyer.

Yeah, I am. I work for a mobile phone company.

And I helped create the pledge to shield them from liability.

Other mobile phone companies liked it and adopted it. Because texting and

driving really is a big problem.

You know, it is.

Okay. I see those guys going down the street, and they're winding like they're

drunk, and instead they're holding their phone. Right?

Yeah. Your pledge is really good. Kind of, but people hate it.

I'm at my favorite wine place. I cannot believe that they make my favorite wine

here. This is wild.

It's like Marcia Disneyland.

Even better.

So let's go for the first wine. Okay. So we're going to try the Bourgogne Haute

Cote de Beaune. Okay.

That's excellent.

You like this type of wine?

I like it so much I can't stop drinking it.

I have my lovely guide, Yuri, over there. He's made a suggestion for me to

spit out my favorite wine.

Not going to happen.

Excuse me.

Excusez-moi.

Come on. I took you in this special vineyard never thinking you would get

drunk in our wine tour.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I love the wine.

Great. Cut.

Moving on.

I'm going to pour some wine to the crew.

Merci beaucoup.

Oh, yeah.

I'm so sorry. Time to go now.

No, I have to do my stand-up. All right. Slate in, please.

Burgundy, take one, marker.

Begonia.

God. Hi, I'm at Domaine de Charles, and they have tons of

wine, and it's all really good, and I have some. You know, there's good wine

in the entire world. There's good wine in Turkey, I think Greece. You know

what, Marcia, let's just try it again.

Get that magic.

Burgundy, take two.

Marker? What?

Okay, I need some wine, please, Janet.

You know what? They're totally out of wine, but I'll get you some water, okay?

How could they be out of wine?

Look at how much wine there is. It's spam.

I think every barrel is empty, but there's that.

Oh, my God. Even the water is good. Hello.

Très bien. Très bon.

Okay, I am definitely not texting and riding my bike.

Yeah, we're not riding bikes.

The car should be here soon. Oh, I'm not... I'm not driving.

Correct. That's why we have a driver.

Good night.

Good night.

Stay.

Oh, God. The nap that goes through the night, guys. I love you. You're the best

crew that anybody could have in the entire world.

I gotta stop.

Are you okay? You seem to be having a tough day.

Yeah, I am so sorry for earlier.

It's just one of the toughest days of the year.

What? Why?

It's my DBMHB.

I'm not following you on that one.

The day before my half birthday.

Yeah. Yep. Everybody hates that.

No. I feel like I'm getting old.

Yeah, but why the day before your half birthday?

Because there's singing and it's fun.

Everybody celebrates it. But the day before.

You feel like you're getting older.

People will sing to you on your half birthday?

Yeah, it's a family tradition. We do jokes, and it's a blast. It's just, you

know, it's so obvious on your actual birthday.

Oh, my God, I've got to sleep. Where is that car?

Hey, Jess, give me one sec.

What's that?

I'll meet you in the lobby.

Don't move the sign, please.

You need a reminder?

Yeah, obviously it isn't working

I can't believe it. Not one message from the crew for my half birthday.

You just said you didn't want to be reminded of getting older.

Yeah, but they could have texted me.

You never know. Day's not over.

Here we are.

Watch your head.

Surprise!

remembered. Surviving a birthday is a big milestone in a relationship, and we

had done it. Well, for half of one, at least. Thank you so much for putting

this surprise half birthday together. I've never had that happen before. Don't

think many have.

All right.

Now that we dealt with the age issue, until next week, we were off to South

Africa, a place I'd never been to, but was eager to explore.

See if you can guess what Marsha found to fixate on there.

Hi, I'm Marsha Kempton for the American Abroad TV series, and we're here at

Boulders Beach, often called Penguin Beach.

Go figure.

Look at them. And here at the Cape of Good Hope, where the Atlantic and the

Indian Ocean meet, you're reminded of all the boats that never made it around

this point. If you want luxury, the Presidential Suite at Twelve Apostles is

perfection. Nelson Mandela never stayed here, but he did change South Africa.

And the world forever.

Whatever eat ostrich.

Ostrich are good.

Why are you eating like that?

Counting. Counting what? How many times I chew.

Why? The chewing diet.

Ah, yes. The chewing diet.

Not to be confused with... I did the Brussels sprouts and egg diet.

Oh, and then I did the cayenne and goat's milk diet.

I did the bagel diet.

Don't want that either. I had to go to the doctor. I couldn't move my jaw. He

told me I was chewing too much.

That is not a good diet.

Yeah, but it works when you can't chew. You don't eat bagels. You don't eat

anything. You lose the time!

Hi, I'm Marcia Kempton for the American Abroad TV series, and we're here at the

Cape of Good Hope. And the reason why it's called that is because every boat

hoped it would make it around this ferocious tip.

Normally, it is so windy here, and many boats didn't make it. One of the most

famous boats that we know about is the Flying Dutchman. And the legend has it

is there are ghosts out there, and people have seen these seamen out there.

So I have to say that I have never in my entire life seen such a stunning coast

as this, and let's go and explore.

Cut. Are you good?

Marcia, you sure you don't want to say sailors instead of demons?

I guess.

Should we do it again?

I thought that was good. Let's go take a look at the next shot.

We are in the Indian Ocean at Muscle Bay, just outside Cape Town, South

Africa. Yeah, we are going to see the great white. I couldn't believe Marsha

was going to get into the water with a great white shark.

Oh, God. Here it is. Here it is.

No. Nope. No, it doesn't seem safe. Arnold, can you go?

What? You just said it doesn't seem safe.

It's just not safe for me.

All right. I'll be good. Okay.

You okay, Arnold?

When I saw you down in that shark cage,

I lost my love for meat. I mean, if I ate shark, I'd literally be eating you.

If a shark ate you. God.

The odds of eating a shark that ate a person are probably really small.

Doesn't matter. I can't risk being a cannibal.

Okay, so what diet now?

Well, I'm thinking vegetarian.

But how am I going to eat all these beautiful plants?

Eat the ugly ones, like carrots. I know, but they all have energy. I mean, maybe

they feel it.

Plants don't feel.

Actually, plants do feel when you rip them out.

What? What?

Yeah, look it up. Carrot scream.

My God, I hope he's wrong.

Did you know the carrot scream?

Yeah, like plants and vegetables, I think.

Did you just hear that?

Did you just hear that?

Marsha, it's on the Internet. It has to be true.

Not everything on the Internet is true.

Not true.

Not true, cameraman.

Plus, you're not drinking.

Yeah. You're really taking this diet thing seriously.

Yeah.

So what are you going to eat?

I don't know.

Hi, welcome back. Nice to see you again.

Is it?

What can I get you?

I don't know. Arnold, will you go first?

I'll have the salmon, please.

Great. And I'll have the ribeye.

Oh, wonderful.

Wow, the steak.

What kind of diet is that?

No, you know what? Don't even tell me. I'm just glad you figured it out.

Here we go.

You really like the smell of that.

It smells so good.

Are you going to eat it?

No, I'm just going to smell it.

I'm on the air diet. It's kind of like a breatharian.

I have no idea what either of those things are.

It tricks the mind into thinking you eat.

And then I don't have to eat any animals or plants. But they still had to kill

that cow to make the steak.

And they had to pull those vegetables.

I didn't think about that.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

So I got a little sneaky and called her sister.

That's cute.

No, it's not funny. I'm worried she's going to starve. She won't starve.

When she gets hungry enough, she'll eat.

You shouldn't be worried about how sick she'll get when she loses her will and

eats everything in sight.

It's not pretty.

Great. Just don't indulge her. Eat everything she likes right in front of

her. She'll break.

Thanks. Good luck.

Good morning.

No, it isn't.

I can't believe you're going to eat that big breakfast in front of me.

Oh, no, no. I just wanted to give you something good to...

Smell this morning.

Smelling diet didn't work.

I'm a fruitarian.

Oh, well, perfect.

A fruitarian only eats fruit that has fallen off the tree. Did that banana

fall off?

Yes. No, it didn't. I can tell by the way you said that.

It could have.

I mean, maybe a monkey knocked it off the tree. It's helpful.

So, because I'm not going to eat, let's just go see the ostriches.

Do you believe ostrich meat is the number one selling meat in this country?

Is it? I don't know. I've got to get my facts right and get my head right. I'm

going to go get an outfit for the ostriches.

I should have been a doctor. How long do we have left?

My gosh.

Holy cow, take a look at that.

Guess this is market without a whole week's worth of food, huh?

Camera, I'm ready.

Hi, we are at the Cape Town Ostrich Ranch where the ostriches showed

up. Look at them.

I just want to give you a few facts about them. They are the largest bird

with the largest eye. Let's see. They have three stomachs. I'm sure they're

full and not empty like mine. It's a myth that they put their head in the

sand. They don't.

Let's see. What else?

What else?

Marsha. What?

They just look like big steaks to make me feel like I need to eat them, and I

don't even eat ostrich. Can you believe it? Who would ever eat an ostrich?

Marsha. You guys, I think it's great. We'll just edit it together.

Do you have any fruit?

Certainly. What kind would you like?

Well, just fruit that has fallen off the tree or the vine. Not any that's been

picked, please.

Uh, I'll go check.

It's all right.

If they don't have anything, you can smell my ostrich burger.

These would be yours.

They fell, right?

Yes. I asked, and the machine that gathers the cherry actually shakes the

tree and then picks up what falls.

They shook the tree? I mean, the tree must have hated that.

Much as I'd love to have them, could you please take them away?

Guys, go ahead. Peace.

Talking about something.

You got my attention, baby.

And I can't make a move.

Like a child.

Oh, I'm in love.

It's good, right?

So good.

I thought you said you'd never eat an ostrich.

They taunted me.

You know what?

I'm so dumb, I'm only going to eat dumb things now.

Better watch out, Reggie.

Huh?

Okay, no more diet stories.

Instead, bucket list time. We got to go on a real-life African safari, which I

was so stoked about. It was the best. I was also really happy to believe that I

was finally over the hump and that I had made peace with Marsha's quirkiest of

quirks.

Instead, they led to one of the biggest, most public arguments we'd ever had.

There you are. I, uh... Sorry. I, uh... Not quieter.

Stop talking. I'm trying to...

Tell the Pleiadians so I can become enlightened.

The what?

Pleiadians are multidimensional spiritual beings that come here to

planet Earth to assist us humans in our spiritual transformation.

So you have easier access to the portal because you are enlightened as a

Pleiadian in a previous life.

Exactly.

If you're enlightened.

You're not supposed to come back.

There goes your whole theory.

Are you ready, Marsha?

Let me just check my makeup real quick.

Doesn't upset me. I have complete bags underneath my eyes.

That's very enlightened.

One way to solve it.

Okay, I'm ready. Right over here.

We always want to interview locals, and we have Timothy. He's a hotel guest

relations. Is it Aquila or Aquila?

It's actually Aquila.

Well, you know I make problems all the time on camera. Thank you. Aquila. Yeah,

Aquila's basically just the Latin word for the true black eagle.

Now, have you heard of the Pleiadians?

Um, yes, actually I have, actually I have heard of it. Oh, hey! A little bit.

Where's Arnold?

Where's Arnold? I want to come back to Africa. Every year, every year, guys,

it's safe.

Look at this exotic creature.

You wouldn't often see one of these out here on safari.

I can't tell, but it may be dangerous.

Yeah, that's definitely dangerous.

But I'm still oddly attracted to it.

I think I'm going to risk it and approach.

That's a bad idea.

Okay, I'm a lioness. You know that. Oh, yeah? Who told you that?

I don't know. I just feel it.

Enlightenment?

Oh, look.

Oh, my God. It's looking straight at me.

Well, you are an attractive lioness. You know what I'm doing? I'm going to direct

it over there where I saw the water.

Let's see. How are you going to do that?

With my Pleiadian energy light.

I thought you said enlightenment didn't give you special powers.

Well, sometimes it does.

See, it totally works.

Okay, that was cool, but... No, buts. Accept it. Have faith.

A Pleiadian can connect with animals.

Okay, Marsha, you're not a Pleiadian.

Not now, but I was.

Okay.

Pleiadian, Pleiadian.

Pleiadians.

I hate the Pleiadians.

Thank you.

Arnold, I'm telling you, the Pleiadians visited last night. I know it happened.

Okay, lucky for you, but if they visit again, please tell them not to visit me.

I need sleep.

Just tell the Pleiadians, whoever they are, to just leave us alone.

I have no control over this. If I travel there, would they visit?

I live in the fifth dimension.

I live in the third dimension. But if you want to fly off to the fifth, that's

fine by me. No, it's not about flying off. It's about bringing the fifth

dimensional light into your body and holding it like a portal.

So if I wake in the middle of the night, you'll still be there?

Yeah.

Thank you.

Arnold, it's true.

Oh, my God. You have this beautiful peacock here in Aquila to open up. Could

you just turn a little bit more?

Arnold, where are you?

That's plenty of energy.

Thank you, thank you.

Morning, guys.

Hey, Mark.

Morning. I'll tell you more in the Jeep.

Mind if I join you guys?

Hey, man, hop in.

What? Why aren't you going into the Jeep?

Marsha, don't make a big deal of this in front of everybody.

Are you testing my alignment? Because if so, that's really rude. No, no, I just

need space.

Why?

Later. Everybody's watching.

No, not later. This is going to screw up my filming.

Let's just go in our separate seats and then we can talk after.

No, I am not moving until you tell me why.

Okay, you want to do this in front of everyone? Sure.

All right, everybody, listen up.

I don't believe in Pleiadians.

Stargates, portals, fifth dimensions, whatever. I don't care who else

believes. I am not going to change my mind.

And I honestly hope I never hear about Pleiadians again.

You happy?

I tell you my Pleiadian truth about enlightenment to enlighten you, and this

is what I get?

I have given you every polite hint I could muster, but you will not stop

talking about them.

You talked about them in your sleep, for God's sake. But they did visit.

Marsha. Okay, go to the Jeep. I'm sorry. Never would talk about Pleiadians ever

again. Don't worry. They don't exist. You don't know what it's like.

You don't know what it's like to love somebody.

To love somebody.

Look, I love you.

What is it like?

It's exhausting.

Have fun.

But it's really fun.

Most of the time.

Sometimes.

There's something about getting into nature that makes me realize just how

timeless the world is while simultaneously how much of a blip we are

in the history of the cosmos.

I may think the Pleiadians are a joke, but I suppose that doesn't make me

right. Ultimately, I suppose it's those types of challenges that I find

rewarding in life.

And in love.

I'm really sorry.

I'll never bring up the Palladians again.

I'm sorry, too. I was just tired. I shouldn't have lashed out.

I think it's great that you're trying to be more enlightened.

Aw, thanks.

I was pleasantly surprised how quickly we recovered from one of our biggest

arguments yet.

But I soon found out that the battle for enlightenment was far from over.

Welcome to Pufuri.

This is Devon, your guide. Nice to meet you. Welcome, Marsha.

Welcome, Arnold. So beautiful.

I can't wait for tomorrow. I don't know how anything can top Aquila, but

actually walking the bush with nothing separating you and the animal from

nature is going to be incredible.

All right.

I'm going to go get cleaned up for dinner.

I'll catch you there.

See you in a bit. Yep.

I feel like I could just look at the elephants all day long.

Aren't you excited for tomorrow?

Not really.

Okay. Honestly, I just want to stay at the lodge. That's what I need to do. I

don't get it. You've been so excited to film the walking safari.

I don't feel it anymore.

I think you have to.

Do I?

Who decided that?

Martin, your producer, the Dutch billionaire who funds your show in

American Abroad.

Okay.

I'm scared.

I told you now, okay?

Are you happy?

No.

But there's nothing to be scared of. What happened to enlightenment?

Trusting the universe, all that.

But this is Africa, in the wild, walking. I think I was a nurse before,

in the Boer War, and I was eaten by lions.

Lions are really hard to spot out here, so it probably won't happen again. But

they are there.

Let's just enjoy the time.

All righty, guys. Two minutes. Ready to go?

I'm sorry. The Pleiadians didn't visit last night, and I'm just not feeling

enlightened yet.

Hey, hey. No.

You don't need the Pleiadians.

You're the most enlightened person I know, but you don't have to try so hard

to be enlightened.

It's giving you anxiety, and that is the opposite of what you're going for. You

bring light to everyone around you.

The crew, the people you interview, they all leave laughing and brighter.

And this show is going to reach millions and do the same.

I know you've made me better.

Really? Yeah.

You have brought me more joy and light than anybody.

Aw, that's so nice of you. Thank you. All right, let's go.

Now.

Wait, you're still not going?

No. I can't believe this.

What do you want me to tell the crew?

It's beautiful out there. Just take some scenic shots, and I'm going to go

meditate on it. Have fun.

Hi.

How'd it go?

Oh, it was incredible. So cool.

I did miss having you out there, though.

How about you? Did your meditation go well?

Are you coming tomorrow?

I'm coming.

Hey, that's great. So it worked. Your meditation changed your mind.

Sort of. What do you mean?

Well, cameraman called the producer and now I have to go because they found out

I wasn't going.

Hey, trust me.

No matter what, You won't regret it.

This is so beautiful.

This is amazing.

So you do like it? Yes.

Why would I never want to go?

Let's not get into that.

Yeah, but I missed a whole entire day. You should have convinced me.

I... Thank you, Africa.

Hi, I'm Marcia Kempton, and we're here at the Kruger National Park. And let me

tell you, this place is so large, it is almost the size of Israel. And I am

about to do a walking safari with an amazing guide named Devin Myers, and

he's from African Born Safaris.

Normally when you go on a safari, you have the expectation of seeing the big

five, and that's in a fenced region, okay? It's a game reserve. Not here in

Pafuri. This is all the wild.

Every animal is free, and you don't know where they're going to be. They travel

between three countries, South Africa, Zimbabwe, and Mozambique. And last night

we saw a leopard. So come to Pafuri.

Did I get it, guys?

That was great.

Marsha, are you... Oh, sorry.

It's okay. You can talk.

Really? You always shush me when I interrupt your meditation.

Not anymore.

Talking? Nothing.

Honestly, nothing bothers me anymore.

Really? Yeah, because I did it. And you got enlightened.

Again. Yeah, this time for real.

Last time, I was just close.

Is that hat part of your enlightenment?

Oh, I completely forgot I had it on.

Why are you wearing a watch on safari?

I don't know. I like it.

Seems kind of unnecessary.

This doesn't disrupt your peace, does it?

No, no. It doesn't bother me. I'm fine.

Why do you keep on looking at that?

We're on safari. The beauty's out there.

Can't help it. It's amazing how many steps we're taking and how many calories

we're burning.

Your watch tells you that?

Yep.

How?

Sensors. They measure your steps and heart rate.

Who cares?

I do. I have a minimum I need to meet each day.

According to who?

The watch. Can't you just feel it with your own body and brain instead of

looking at that watch?

Of course, but it wouldn't be as accurate.

Radiation is pulsating through your body. We're electrical beings.

Our cells are affected by electricity.

It's like I'm walking around with my own antenna.

Oh, cool.

You'll always know you have cell service when you're with me. My God, that's why

I'm not sleeping at night. I've got my own EMF tower next to me, lying in my

bed. Is this bothering you?

No. No, it's not bothering me at all. I'm just looking out for you guys.

All righty, guys.

Welcome back.

Well done.

Thank you, Devin. It was amazing.

I just have a boyfriend that's an electrical tower next to me. Anyone need

cell service, come this way.

Anyone but you.

Mmm. This food is amazing.

I know. I told you the Prairie Camp has the best meals ever.

Thank you. Thank you.

What's wrong?

Nothing. I'm just done. So you just said the food was amazing.

Yeah, it is. So why are you leaving one bite?

I didn't burn enough calories to eat it. What? We were walking all day.

I ate a lot.

And my food intake needs to match the calories that I've worked off.

Okay. It's one bite.

It's a big bite.

Are you full?

Sort of. I mean, you're either fat or you're not fat.

You just look in the mirror. You don't need that wad telling you how to feel.

This is a great tool.

Will you just eat that bite for me?

Mmm. So good.

What are you doing?

Just burning the rest of my calories.

You're doing that all because of one bite?

Not just that, but yeah.

Can't you just walk it off?

In the safari? At night? True.

Gotta burn enough calories to match my food intake.

And done.

Didn't even take that long. You know, you could have fooled around and burned

calories that way. Didn't really think about that. It would have been a lot

more fun.

And then you could have had dessert tonight.

Maybe I'll just have a big breakfast tomorrow.

We had been through enough ups and downs at this point that I felt our

relationship had moved to the next level.

After she stole my watch, I decided it was my turn to see if she'd put up with

my crap.

It was a risk, but there's no sense in delaying the inevitable and not showing

her who I really was.

You look happy today.

I am.

Why were you late this morning?

Oh, yeah, I couldn't find my shoes.

Yeah, you need shoes for a walking tour.

How many calories did you burn?

I don't know.

I haven't even looked once.

I know you don't like it, and I want to honor that, because you are such an

amazing woman.

Oh, no, you can do it. It doesn't bother me.

Really? Yeah, nothing bothers me anymore.

That's right.

Qualities of enlightenment.

I'm going to hold you to that.

And so we've been walking for over three days. It's been stunning. We've seen so

many animals, and we feel so safe. It is one of the safest things to do. I highly

recommend this. I just have to ask you one important question.

How many steps do you think we take?

Not sure. Probably about 10,000 per morning, maybe 15,000. Okay. Do you

really need a watch to figure that out?

No, not really, no. I wear a watch, but it only tells the time. Okay, great.

Got it, guys?

Yeah.

Oh, this isn't disrupting your peace, is it?

No.

Oh, boy. Yeah, I gotta get a lot more steps in.

Excuse me.

What is he doing?

He's counting calories.

You can do that on these things?

I just play video games.

Thank you, guys.

Hey, guys, let's move on. Come on.

Head back out. Right.

Yeah, look.

It's really good.

Hey.

What's wrong? Nothing.

I am so great.

Me too.

Loved that much.

Yeah, I could tell you really loved it. You ate half of mine.

I'm exhausted, though.

Hmm. Well, you should be. You've ran in circles half the time.

I don't think I slept well last night.

What makes you say that? I lost my watch while I was sleeping, so I don't know.

You're wearing it right now.

Well, I have one watch for when I'm awake and then one watch for when I

sleep. What? Who has a separate sleep watch?

Well, my awake watch charges while I wear my sleep one. I know.

Just take it off.

Then I won't know how I slept.

Arnold, I'm tired. Why don't you come to bed?

No, no. I'm not sleeping until I find it. It's got to be here somewhere.

Fine. I'll help you look.

I found it!

What? Where was it?

It was just over there. It must have fallen off.

Huh.

Could have sworn I looked over there.

And not hard enough, apparently.

Well, you found that really quickly.

Enlightened people kind of, you know, they're highly intuitive.

Just figuring it out.

Did you take my watch?

Yes.

Hey, it's okay.

What? I know you took my watch.

What? Come on, nobody can sleep through that, and you are anything but quiet.

I saw you looking at your watch all day, going in circles, eating all of my food.

Hey, you stole my watch. I'll steal both of them next time. What if I had thrown

it away?

I didn't think you would.

And if you did, I got a backup.

You're not funny at all.

Yeah, a little bit.

If it really bothers you so much, I'll get rid of it.

Would you be willing to get rid of your metal detector?

No way.

Fine, keep them. But next time I get to eat your dessert.

Deal. My watch will probably tell me not to eat it anyway.

Have you seen my watch charger?

No.

And thus ended the great watch debacle.

I was being a punk, sure. I couldn't let her have all the fun. But let's wrap

this up, shall we? We are approaching the end of our trip, sadly, and would

have to part ways after Lisbon.

are here in the stunning city of Lisbon, Portugal, where it reminds me a lot of

San Francisco with the hills, the trolley, the wind, and the gorgeous

bridge behind me. And the history here is quite impressive. But you know what I

love most about Portugal are the people. They always have such a friendly smile.

So we were finally on the last leg of our adventure.

So much travel, so many different hotels, and so many room numbers.

Oh, good God.

Things not working out with Arnold?

No, great. I just thought this was my room.

You don't know where your room is, huh?

You know how many hotel rooms we've been in and how many cities? You can go to

the front desk and figure it out, though. No, I'm finding Arnold.

Hey, is everything okay?

I can't find my room.

Reggie?

Do you need something?

No, I'm fine. I just don't know where my room is.

Have fun.

Thank you.

Come on.

Oh, look.

I wrote the number of the room right here on the key sleeve.

I feel like San Francisco almost copied from Lisbon. I think the bridge may be

in San Francisco. Yeah, the Golden Gate Bridge. How do you say a Lisbon person?

Lisboa.

Lisboa. Yeah, I like the cuisine and also the architecture and everything

around. This arch and the architecture.

That looks like a traditional costume. You want to go over there and give them

a hug? How you doing?

Oh my God, there you are.

Isn't it a little hot in there? Of course it's hot, yeah. You'll be hot all

day to make people smile. I love people like you. You're my type of person. I

can tell you. It's so great.

I'm not sure what I expected out of this last leg of the trip, but what did

happen was more than I could have hoped for.

Don't fall on your head. I've got to take this.

What's up? I can't believe I'm going to say this.

You went shark diving and you lost an arm?

Arnold lost an arm. He lost a leg. No.

Arnold turned vegan.

You're fighting over your love of meat.

Something's wrong with you. I am anything.

All right, I'm out of guesses. What's up?

I'm in love with Arnold.

Did you just say the L word?

Yeah, I can't believe it. You know how hard it is for me to open my heart.

It's only happened twice in your life.

Jim, Christian, and now Arnold.

Yeah. Why does his name have to be Arnold?

Stop. Have you told him?

No, that's the hard part.

He has to say it first. Yeah, good call. Careful.

Love's a funny thing.

You think you're in love, then they don't turn their socks right side out

when they put them in the laundry.

What? Can I give you some advice for, you know, after Arnold tells you he

loves you? You are so much better at relationships than me. Don't marry him.

Why? You should only get married for the kids.

Stop taking a romance out of this amazing moment in my life.

You think you love all these tiny quirks, then all of a sudden he's

farting on you all night long. You fantasize about getting a divorce. Then

you want to be a lesbian.

Kat, you've got to stop projecting on me.

I mean, this is the biggest emotional step I've taken in a long while.

I'm sorry. This pandemic is getting to me.

Being with the same person 24-7.

Especially a man.

Stop. Sorry.

All right. I better get back to him. We're in this amazing city of Lisbon,

staying at this great hotel, Terrell. Take a picture.

Can't wait to meet him in 10 years when this quarantine is over.

Are you enjoying the ice cream?

So good.

So you would say you love it.

Definitely some of the best I've had.

I love it.

Oh, good.

Glad we got some.

So many tiles go into making this building. Yeah, a lot of love went into

it. A lot of work, but totally worth it.

So you love it?

It's great.

This is interesting neon art.

Lovely. Do you love it?

Yeah, I think it would look great on a wall.

What's going on?

It's just that I just got a text from my sister.

What's happening? What did she say?

She's coming to Portugal.

Oh my gosh, that's great.

Or not.

Yeah, no, it's going to be great. I want to see her. I thought she was staying

locked down for COVID.

She was.

What made her change her mind?

She wants to meet you.

Wow.

Can't believe that got out of her house.

Kind of a lot of pressure.

No, you'll be fine.

Yeah, I'm sure I'll love her.

I feel like we've grown a lot.

trip. Yeah, it's been great and I'm so glad you came.

Kind of sad it's all going to be over.

I love the show and I love traveling, but not a late night show.

No, and I feel so ungrateful saying that, you know? Talk about how grateful

you are for it every day.

But, dream's a dream.

Yeah. You never know what could happen.

And hey, I get to meet your sister tomorrow.

How great is that?

I can't. Don't call me that. I hate that. I know. It's a pleasure to meet

you. Oh, good, firm hug.

Works out.

The magical phase, sort of.

Thanks. Good to meet you, Arnie. It's Arnold.

Arnie didn't work out.

Well, that's a point against you.

Dad. We're sorry.

What are your intentions with my sister?

She's joking.

You know, she's really funny, right?

So funny.

Speaking of which, Marsha used to interview our parents' friends. Everyone

thought she was so funny and clever.

She's weird.

I know.

Okay, you guys have some fun here. Okay, I have to go up to the room. I forgot

something. You gonna go rub that weird claw thing on your head?

Maybe. Uh-huh.

So seriously, what are your intentions?

Then came the interrogation. Share a bathroom?

Yes. Do you do your own laundry?

I can.

Do you turn your socks right side out before you put them in the laundry? Of

course.

Do you do weird things in your sleep?

I don't know, because I'm sleeping.

Can you cook? You do the dishes?

Clean kitchen is very important.

How do you feel about astrology?

Nothing. I like it. I think they're just making it all up. Are you lying right

now? Because if not, you should marry me instead.

No.

No, you won't marry me, or no, you're not lying?

Both.

Aren't you married?

Yeah, that was the task.

Sorry. Yeah, I've got to take this real quick. Who is it?

It's just work stuff.

I'll be right back.

Hey.

Yeah.

What did you do to him?

Nothing. He's on a work call. What's with the air quotes?

He hesitated when I asked what it was.

Are you sure he's not married?

I assume so. I never asked him. Always ask.

Kat, you've got to stop. I know you want to protect me, okay, but it's a fine

line between protecting and sabotaging my relationship.

I'm not sabotaging.

What did you do, grill him?

Isn't that why you went to the bathroom?

Yeah, so?

He's great.

So great, in fact, I asked him to marry me.

What? It was a test.

He passed.

He said no. I hope so.

Would you fly here just to judge him?

What do you think?

He could be great for you.

But maybe not.

That's the worst advice I've ever heard of. He's sweet, and he totally adores

you, but you guys are living in a fantasy world. You're just going from

hotel to hotel, and everything's paid for. What happens when real life hits?

It's very different.

Well, maybe this is the life that I'll have, and it'll continue.

I've seen you open your heart and have it get broken. I know you love him, but

that's only going to make it harder if this doesn't work out.

Don't say anything until you're real life tested and until you find out what

that phone call is all about.

All right, cool.

Yeah, I'll talk to you later.

Marsha, you go in. I'll be right there. Okay.

Hello.

I just love the Portuguese food. This restaurant looks amazing.

He'll know what I mean.

Okay, and tell him to please, please keep quiet. I don't want him to know

anything until we're... I gotta go. Bye.

Tell me what's going on right now or so help me, I will kick you in the balls.

You shouldn't have told me that. Now I'm just gonna defend myself.

It's not funny.

Where's Marsha?

Checking out the restaurant. You have three seconds to tell me what's going

on. Good, because I need your opinion on something.

It's a little late.

I'll try to come back tomorrow.

What is going on? Every time I leave the two of you guys, he's gone.

You can tell him.

Tell him what?

The L word, if you want.

What? What?

What did he say?

Oh, killing me. I can't tell you. Yeah, you can.

We'll just pretend he doesn't know. No, you guys are going out for a nice

dinner. He has a surprise.

And it is awesome.

Oh, come on. Why did he tell you?

I threatened to kick him in the balls.

You've got to stop doing that. It worked.

Come on.

Come on.

Get ready.

Really good.

You're welcome.

Hello. Hi.

Yes, everybody's there. Thank you. Enjoy.

Tell me. I want to know this. I've been waiting for so long.

Okay. I know you don't love Martin.

That's putting it lightly. You love doing this show, but it's not your

dream.

I was thinking maybe I could help you get your dream back.

A late night show?

That is your dream, right?

Yeah.

That's so sweet, but...

Hollywood and most of the world think I'm old. Have you seen some of the men

that do late night? I'm a woman.

Have you seen any of them?

That's true, but they also would say a woman like you couldn't do a show like

this. And an American Abroad is killing me. Yeah, but I have a contract and I

have no time.

We can do the show, the late night show, in Amsterdam.

And then when we're shooting an American Abroad, we can go to the best rock and

roll clubs and shoot your late night show. All I want to do is interview.

Totally.

But it costs money, and I spent all my savings when I put the crew on a yacht

to Patmos.

We don't need your money.

I want to fund your show.

What?

Arnold, you can't quit your job. I am so sick of legal work. I will happily give

that up.

Look, I know a lot of people, and I've made a lot of calls and run all the

numbers. I mean, why do you think I've been dodging you on my phone for the

past week?

Are you serious?

I'm as serious as I am about you.

I love you, Marsha.

Oh, my God.

Arnold, I love Diego.

Excuse me. Oh, my God.

You know what? Can we get a bottle of champagne?

What kind of champagne?

Your finest.

Okay. Second finest, please.

Very well.

That's why I have savings and you don't.

To your late night show. To our late night show.

So that was it.

We produced and delivered the first episode of her dream show.

And we did it in one of her favorite locations.

South Africa.

Welcome to Bright Lights Late Night. I'm your host, Marcia Kimpton. Let's get

this party started.

It was great getting to see her shine. She got to do interviews with artists

and musicians and writers and other people who just love to create, make the

world a better place. And I got to have a part in that and spend my life with

her while she did it. What more could I ask for?

I've had this dream for a very, very long time.

And my dream was always is to showcase artists, because I'm an artist. And it

shows that there are no boundaries between race, culture, religion,

nothing. We are all united through the arts, and it's eternal.

So let's end with some music.

Thank you.