Original subtitles

- All right, I got a serious question.

For $100,000, would you suck a man's penis?

- A man's penis? I don't know.

- Yeah, you get to pick the dude.

- So final dick approval? - All yours.

- Choose any dick I want to?

- Whoever's dick, except for me and Blake's.

- All right. - Well...

- Then yeah, totally. Definitely.

- Okay. - Uh-huh, 100 Gs?

Yeah, I think so. - Whoo!

Okay, what about $75,000?

- Oh, yeah. Yeah, for sure.

- Let's get real. 5 grand.

- Yes. - Really'?

- I'd be 30 seconds away from getting

a pretty sweet used motorcycle.

- No, it would take you way longer than that, dude.

- No, I think- - Who do you think you are?

- Are you kidding me right now?

Have you seen these lips? - I have.

- Have you enjoyed the presence of me eating a kielbasa?

It's ridonk. - Wow.

- It's weird. Girls are like, "I'm impressed by that."

- Okay, hold on.

What is the absolute least amount of money

you could get paid to blow a guy'?

- Now we're talking. - If I'm honest with myself?

- Yeah.

- I'd have to say...

$900.

[tires screeching] - Oh, my God!

- Whoa! - Oh, my God.

Wait. - Was that a-

- Are you okay? Are you all right?

- Uh, yeah, yeah. I think so.

Could you give me a... - Got you, buddy.

- No sweat. Don't sweat it.

- Did you say 900 bucks?

- No, I said $9,000. I said $9,000.

- I heard $900.

- No, I said "thousand," dude.

I've got standards. I'm not just blowing everybody.

Grow up.

[hip hop music]

- ♪ I'm fresh ♪

♪♪

- ♪ You gotta, you gotta, you gotta ♪

- ♪ You gotta be fresh ♪

- All right, I got one.

How much to punch your mother in the face?

- And you really got to try and knock her out.

- 30 grand, I'm laying that chick out cold.

Lovely woman, but... pow!

- Dude, where is everybody?

It's like a Saturday or something.

- Yeah, really. Is it a ditch day?

Do we have those here? Oh, we should start a ditch day.

- Let's do it. - Yeah, we should.

- Fumble! - Oh!

- Are you fucking kidding me right now?

What are you doing? We're in the conference room.

He's here. - Who's here?

- Bruce Benson, Adam, the CEO of the company.

- Never heard of him.

- Didn't you check your work email?

- Work em-is that something that's real?

Work email? - I wouldn't worry about this.

I'm pretty sure we can charm the CEO's pants off.

- Good morning, everyone.

I'm Bruce Benson- yes, that Bruce Benson-

the CEO of TelAmeriCorp.

So our annual investors' meeting is tomorrow morning-

- Let's go.

- And I have a big announcement

that will affect all of your futures.

So I think you deserve to hear first that...

lunch is on me!

[cheers and applause]

Hardee's for everyone!

- Hardee's or Arby's?

I hope it's not Hardee's.

I heard their fries are just rat tails.

- Hey. Bruce Benson.

- That's a beautiful watch.

- Oh, you know what? It's yours.

- Oh, thank you, sir! - Wait.

You can't have it,

not without the shirt too.

- What a cool-ass boss.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. - Hey, hey.

- Where are you going? - Our phone is runni-

Our car is ring- Ugh.

- I got to go... work out or something right now.

- Well, whatever. He wants to meet everybody.

So just smile and try to act normal.

- [clears throat] - Hey

- Oh, my God. - Mm.

- Mr. Benson, good to re-meet you,

'cause we met each other earlier.

Do you remember? - I do remember.

- Oh, good.

So then you don't have any brain damage-whew!

- We were worried. We were worried about that.

- Yeah, what are we talking about?

- We accidentally hit this guy with our car this morning,

so we're just-

it's hilarious, so we're laughing.

- Our bad. - It's not funny.

These three psychopaths almost killed me.

Lunch, Maxwell's.

We're gonna discuss your future at this company.

- What a cool-ass boss.

[soft piano music playing]

- Mr. Benson, hello.

- Hey, how's your food?

- Mm, looking good. - Finish chewing.

- Nice blazer. Whoa.

- Let's just cut to the chase. - Wait.

Before you say anything,

just want to let you know we know we got off

to a rocky start this morning.

- Mm-hmm.

- But it is so natural

for people to hit people in cars.

- Yes, it's truly-it's just something that happens

if you-if you live in the world.

So you do.

- Just sit and listen.

- Just saying you're making a mistake here.

- Wow, this is so harsh.

- Job is fun, but...

- You're firing us... - Pretty good employees...

I cannot go back to working at Hot Topic,

because they said I have to cut my hair,

and I could've swore their thing was punk rock.

- Hew Shh.

I'm not gonna fire you.

- [chuckles] - Okay.

Great. - Oh, my gosh!

I thought for sure he was gonna fire us.

Wow.

- I want to pay you $10,000 to kill me.

- What? - Huh?

- That's real?

- So I'm just gonna leave this here.

You guys talk it over.

I'll be out back, waiting...

to die, hopefully.

- Okay, this guy's insane, right?

- I mean, I don't know. Like, suicide, right?

Like, if your mother was on her deathbed

and she asked you to kill her,

you wouldn't just take the pillow, and...

smother her to heaven?

- Adam, this guy's not dying, okay?

He had a bad day at the office.

There's a difference. - Who knows?

- No, wait. I am not done with that.

There are some calamari... - Sorry, it's really good.

- He loves this stuff.

- Okay, I don't think that I need to say this,

but you guys are you guys,

so we're not going to kill this person, right?

- Um. - Are you serious, Adam?

- No. I'm not really serio-

I don't want to kill the dude, but, like...

we should talk about it a little bit, right?

10,000 bucks?

That's enough to get us our own hot air balloon

or Jet Skis, or, like, just a cool riding lawn mower

for the-you know, whatever.

- What are you- you're doing that right now?

- Yes, it's a bathroom.

You're the weird one for not pissing.

- Actually, that's not a bad idea, Adam.

I do have to tink.

Oh, look, they got a sports section.

- Oh, I want sports. I got travel.

Pinch and switch. - Okay.

- ORGY-

- You guys, there's someone out there

that asked us to murder them.

Are you ready to kill someone dead?

- Yeah, American soldiers kill people, like, every day.

Are you better than American soldiers, man?

Like, think about other people.

- Oh, that's airtight logic.

- Okay, what is this fight in the Middle East all about, dude?

Cash money, right? And what's this about?

This is about cash money as well.

- Stop pointing it at me! - 10,000 little cash monies.

- Adam, I'm with Ders, man.

I mean, really, if you wanted, like, 10 Gs,

couldn't you just blow 11 dudes at 9 hundo a pop?

- Okay, I said 9,000- [gun clatters]

- [shrieks]

- Oh, man! It's a gun!

Oh!

- Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

- ♪ He's insane ♪

- Hey, what's the beef, chief?

- All right, boys. Are you ready to do this?

I know just the place to drop my body

or my head, at least.

- Stop. Why do you want us to kill you?

- Because you're clearly psychopaths.

- Wow, I'm kind of the furthest thing from a psychopath.

- So you'd suck a dick for $900

but you won't kill a stranger for 10 grand?

- Okay, I said 9,000, okay'? You want to go right now, dude?

- Stop it. Okay, clearly he is a psychopath.

- I said 9,000. - Relax.

My question is, why do you want to die?

- Don't you get it? I'm spineless.

I've mismanaged this company into the ground,

and I have to tell the investors tomorrow,

and I can't do it.

H-hell, I tried to jump

in front of your car this morning,

but at the last minute, I bailed.

I couldn't even do that.

- Car dodging? That's cool.

I did that once after seeing the movie The Program.

So good. Have you seen it?

- Yeah, I actually cofinancedit

- So good. - Look at me.

I should've just been a public school teacher

like my idiot mom.

- Shouldn't say that. - I'm about to cry.

I'm really gonna cry here. - You know what?

Get in the car. - What are you doing?

- So you'll do it? - Huh?

- You'll kill me? - No-

Oh, no! No.

Okay. [chamber winding]

This... uh-huh? - No! Don't!

- And you know what? - What?

- Now there's only four bullets left.

And if you don't get in that car,

I'm throwing two more.

- Yup, YUP-

- Okay, take it easy, buddy. Take it easy.

I'm gonna get in the car. - [laughing]

- I call shotgun!

- Now we're holding the cards, huh?

Okay, work sucks. Nobody likes their job.

- Except Jamie Foxx. - Right, that's true.

- But we work for the weekends.

- And we know today's Thursday,

but we're gonna party like it's Friday, dude.

- It's Wednesday. - Is it?

- All right, well, it is settled.

We are gonna throw you a party that is just gonna

make you want to live the rest of your life.

Now, get out.

- Or what?

Okay, okay, okay! I'm going.

- Yo, boss, can I borrow the whip

and go to the liquor store?

- [Sigh] Keep it.

Hopefully, I'll be dead by the time you get back.

- Thank you, but don't joke about that.

I'll get some booze, some Doritos Collisions.

Get this party torqued.

All right, I'm gonna get the Collisions,

maybe some booze,

but I'm really gonna go for a joyride.

- Wow, Ders. You're a wild man.

- I know.

[engine turning over]

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

- Tonight's party is gonna be weird...

in a good way.

- Yes.

It is gonna be so awesome.

Anything you want, man, you name it.

It's your credit card.

- You know what'd really be cool?

Putting a bullet through my face.

- Okay. - You know what?

I would love to just end your suffering.

I really would. I would. I'm your guy.

If you would've caught me without these two,

you would've been dead in an alley somewhere.

But what would you want to do for fun,

since I can't murder you?

- Do you cut loose? Do you drink? Do you smoke?

Do you like getting wild?

Say bye to the bullets.

- Okay, okay! I like girls.

- What type of girls do you like?

- I don't know.

I've never really had a girlfriend.

- What?

Whoa, dude. You're like that movie.

That's weird!

You have an Escalade

and you don't have a girlfriend, man?

You could just, like, cruise past ice cream parlors

and pick up chicks in that thing.

- Hey, I know what it's like not to have a girlfriend.

It's not a big deal, 'cause you know what?

We have our imaginations. Right?

- This is the saddest thing I've ever heard.

- Who's your dream girl?

- Michelle Obama.

- We can work with that.

Somebody get me a phone book.

- I'll do it. - Thank you.

- Whoop, there it is.

- And I'm just gonna put this on there,

'cause my lap gets all hot.

- [knocking]

Open up, man.

Come on, man. Let me in.

Sorry it took so long. I was street racing Asian kids.

- [whispering] The password, sir.

- What? - You have to have a password.

- Sorry, you know the rules. - I got the Doritos.

And I got some Kahlua Mudslide Mix,

but they didn't double bag it, so it's about to rip.

- You have to know the password.

- Yeah. - It is ripping right now.

Just let me in!

[upbeat jazz music playing]

♪♪

What the hell's going on here?

- Celebrity look-alike swingers party.

- What? - Uh-huh.

- Yeah, I'm Shaun White. Sean Astin.

Rudy? Huh?

- We're the Shauns! - We're the Seans!

We planned that.

We were waiting for you to come in.

Jillian's here. She's Lady Gaga.

She's looking good. Nicholson. Jack Nicholson.

He's so good. "You can't handle the truth."

That was-l-l don't know if that's good.

We'll work on it.

You can be Paul Walker if you play your cards right.

- What if I don't play my cards right?

- Hey, everybody, Macaulay Culkin's here.

- Shh, stop. - Ahh!

- I'm Paul Walker, not MacCulkin.

- Macaulay Culkin, dude.

- But I'm Paul Walker, right?

- Yeah, I see it now. - Cool.

What does any of this have to do with Mr. Benson?

- Oh, well, he said that his dream girl was Michelle Obama,

so we hired her celebrity look-alike.

- Looking good. - That, I understand.

So how does Whoopi Goldberg and Dog the Bounty Hunter

fit into the equation?

- Okay, I can't believe you're asking that question.

But, you know, celebrities, they make life worth living.

Do you ever read magazines? - [laughs]

- Come on, all we have to do is show Benson a great time...

- That's all we have to do.

- And then get him hooked up with the first lady.

- Yeah, that's all we have to do.

- All right, let's do it. Let's do it.

Where's Mr. Benson? - He's having fun somewhere-

[gunshot]

- [blows sharply] - Hey

What are you doing with a gun in here?

- What? They're just blanks.

- Uh, who are you even supposed to be?

- Isn't it obvious?

Jason Statham.

- No, it's not obvious,

'cause you don't look anything like him.

Did you even read the post on Craigslist?

Have some respect for it, man. I look like Sean Astin.

This is Macaulay Culkin. - Anyway.

I was wondering if I could fire off the gun during sex.

You see, I can't climax without it.

- No, you can't.

- They're just blanks. In the gun, that is.

My crank works just great.

- Okay, you know what? Give me that.

What is with all the guns today?

- Fine. Your house, your rules.

But don't tell me I don't look exactly like Jason Statham.

- Now you do, actually. It's the attitude.

- The check won't cash until I'm dead.

And you can kill me however you want.

- Oh, sounds awesome.

But what's the time frame, man?

'Cause I'm going to Mexico next weekend, so-

- Whoa, no, no, no, no, no. Dude.

- Captain Jack Sbarro. Cool.

Hey, I wouldn't blame you if you did it, man.

Ease the pain. I get it. I'd kill my mother.

- Karl, I'll give you $10,000 to kill yourself.

- Wow, man.

Words hurt, Anders. They hurt.

- You are not taller than me, man.

I know you're wearing boots.

I hate that person.

But word on the street is that you're in love

with the first lady.

- I wouldn't mind Baracking her world.

- Whoa! [laughs]

- Whoa, somebody has had a little bit to drink.

- You should go get her, man.

- She's way out of my league.

- Come on, what are you afraid of?

- You know what they say.

"Life is an adventure. Live it till you die."

Right?

Of natural causes, like just being old

or whatever.

Don't kill yourself.

- Now, go get her.

[laughs]

- To life.

Right? All: Yeah.

- To life. - Yup, whoo.

- ♪ I'ma give you something real, baby ♪

♪ I'ma give you something real, shorty ♪

♪ Now call me when you're home alone ♪

♪ I'll be waiting by the phone ♪

♪ So I can pick up ♪

♪ And I can, and I can ♪

♪ And I can give you something real, baby ♪

♪ I'ma give you something real, shorty ♪

♪ Give it to you like I should ♪

♪ Make you feel so good ♪

♪ So when I get my hands on you ♪

♪ I'ma, I'ma, I'ma give you something ♪

- Whoa, whoa. Bitch, be cool!

- Just keepin' living. All: Yeah!

♪♪

- I love my life!

- God bless America.

- Job well done, boys. - Thank you.

I'm about to go make some whoopee with Whoopi.

- No way, dude, I called her. - No, you didn't.

- Yes, I did. - You saw me out there with her.

- I said, 'Whoopi, dibs, Ders."

I said, 'Whoopi, dibs, Ders." - Grow up! Stop!

- HEY-

What the hell is going on?

- What do you mean? - Mr. Benson.

He was supposed to be here a half hour ago,

and I can't reach him.

And the last time I saw him,

he was going to lunch with you idiots.

[scoffs] So did you kill him or what?

- You knew?

- Knew what?

- Huh, what? - Nothing, nothing.

I'm sure he's on his way.

- I don't remember anything from last night.

Last thing I remember

is arm-wrestling Dog the Bounty Hunter.

- Hey, how are you?

What's up, Ice Dog?

Hey, how's everybody doing today?

I said how y'all motherfuckers doing?

- Whoo! [cheers and applause]

- Hey, let's give it up for the First Lady, y'all.

[applause]

Also let's hear it for TelAmeriCorp's

very own Blake, Anders, and Adam.

Stand up, yeah.

- Thank you so much. Thank you guys.

- It's not a... - Thank you.

- That's why we do it. - Big deal.

- Listen, without these three geniuses,

I would never have realized what I need to do.

I am liquidating this company.

As of tomorrow, TelAmeriCorp is officially...

[blows raspberry]

[chuckles] What?

Hey, you can travel the world or start that hobby,

just have sex with fake celebrities...

- Okay, I think we all know this is just one

of Bruce's patented comedy bits.

- Not a bit. Very real.

- What are you thinking? Liquidating the company?

- What does that even mean, liquidating?

That doesn't make sense. It's gibberish.

- Yeah, very un-bueno, sir.

We give you the gift of life, and this is how you repay us?

- Don't you see?

I'm freeing you from this-this prison.

This is my gift to you.

- Wow, dude.

You bang one chick who sort of looks like Michelle Obama-

no offense-and then you just go totally insane.

- No, sweet baby prince.

I've never been more sane.

But seriously, I need your buddy Karl's phone number,

'cause he might still think I want him to kill me.

- No, not from us. You brought that on yourself.

- Mm-hmm. - [sigh] Screw it.

He's never gonna find me in Barbados or Prague or...

Where do you want to go, sweetheart?

' Egypt. - Egypt it is.

- Egypt it is. - Off to the airport, boys.

- They're just going to Egypt. - EGYPT-

- Stall him. Like, 20 minutes.

I think I might have a plan.

- Hey, Bruce, real quick.

Hey, bud, real quick, one more thing.

Bruce, come on.

[phone rings] - Go for Karl.

- Remember that gun I took from Jason Statham last night,

the one with the blanks?

Well, I need it.

You're gonna bust in, shoot at Bruce.

I'm gonna dive in the way and pretend to get shot.

He'll owe me forever.

- Ha! Sounds foolproof, man.

I'm on it. Just give me 20 minutes.

- Before you go off to Egypt, I want to show you

what you're liquidating here.

Or should I say who?

- [crying]

- Well, it went straight to his voice mail,

so it looks like you are being hunted as we speak.

- No, Bruce. - Bruce, Bruce, hang on.

All right, ready? This is the deal.

You got to meet one more person, okay?

This person is the foundation of TelAmeriCorp

and a personal hero of mine, a mentor.

- The big boss.

- An ocean of knowledge and experience,

Martin Luther King on steroids.

- A father figure, yup.

We give you Waymond. - Mm-hmm.

- Right?

- Wow.

- Wow, Bruce, you're not even giving Waymond a shot?

- Waymond's a sales machine.

[elevator dings]

Everybody loves Waymond.

- You really care about these people, huh?

- Yes. - Yeah.

- Nah.

I'm still liquidating the company.

Sorry.

Sayonara.

- What kind of person does that? [phone beeping]

- He's here. Come on.

- Wait. Wait. Who's he- What's the plan?

- Karl's gonna fake assassinate me, duh.

- Yes, that's a great plan.

[elevator dings]

- [in slow motion] No!

I tried to call!

Blake said he left a message!

- Blake, wait!

It's the wrong gun! - It's the wrong gun!

[gunshot]

- Ahh, you shot me, you dumb idiot!

- [imitating gunshots]

- What the- - See you.

- Ow.

- Somebody call 911!

You saved my life.

- Yes, but...

it's nothing you wouldn't have done for me, right?

TelAmeriCorp family.

- Anything you want, buddy.

You want to come to Egypt? You want 10 grand?

- How about you just go upstairs

and talk to the investors and tell them

you're not liquidating the company, all right?

- Okay, yeah. Yeah, I can do that.

- Yeah, that's a great idea, but we also want 10 grand.

- And Egypt. Yeah, hi... - Yeah.

And if you could bring the troops home,

that'd be great as well.

We could just package deal, right?

- You knuckleheads. [chuckles]

- How you doing? " Ah. gross!

- Are you sure it just grazed him?

It looks like he's losing a lot of blood.

- No, that's just ketchup,

but it's seeping into my cut, and it burns!

Wait! No, no, no, no, no!

I don't have insurance. How much does this cost?

- About $900. - $900?

Really?

Looks like it's time to put your money where your mouth is.

- Fuck you, guys. I said $9,000.

- Adam? - It's for a good cause.

- Nice.

[dog snorting, party horn blows]